Original subtitles

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

COMING!

[ SIGHS ] I FINALLY LEFT HER, GEORGE.

SHE WAS SUFFOCATING ME.

SHE KEPT ASKING ME, "WHERE AM I GOING?"

"WHEN AM I COMING HOME?"

HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH A WOMAN THAT DOESN´T TRUST YOU?

ANOTHER FIGHT WITH YOUR MOM?

YEAH. A BIG ONE THIS TIME.

SHE´S NOT IN THE BAG, IS SHE?

NO, DUDE, THAT´S MY STUFF.

I MOVED OUT OF MY FOLKS´ HOUSE.

SO WHERE ARE YOU GONNA GO?

WELL, REMEMBER THAT TIME YOU SAID

I COULD STAY AT YOUR HOUSE WHENEVER I WANTED?

MAN, THAT WAS IN THE SECOND GRADE!

I WAS BEING NICE TO YOU BECAUSE YOU GAVE ME A VALENTINE.

ANGIE, ERNIE GOT IN A FIGHT WITH HIS FOLKS,

SO IS IT OKAY IF HE STAYS HERE?

OF COURSE. ERNIE, WHAT HAPPENED?

AH, MY MOM DOESN´T LIKE MY NEW GIRLFRIEND, LINDA.

SHE THINKS LINDA´S USING ME BECAUSE SHE´S NOT WORKING,

AND SHE HAS THREE KIDS FROM THREE DIFFERENT FATHERS,

AND I MADE HER A COUPLE OF LOANS.

HEY, MAN, IS THERE A SCAR WHERE YOUR KIDNEY SHOULD BE?

AS LONG AS SHE MAKES YOU HAPPY, BRO.

OH, SHE MAKES ME HAPPY.

BELIEVE ME, SHE MAKES ME VERY, VERY HAPPY, HUH?

YEOW! YEOW!

OKAY, ERNIE. WE KNOW YOU GOT SOME.

OH, NO, I DIDN´T,

BUT SHE MAKES ME HAPPY.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME?

I CAN´T RIGHT NOW. I GOT TO READ THIS THING FOR WORK.

[ SLURPING ]

MAN, YOU GUYS GOT THE BEST BOARD GAMES.

SIX.

THREE.

TWO.

FOUR. FOUR. FOUR. FOUR.

FOUR. FOUR. FOUR. FOUR.

DUDE!

STOP THE DICE, MAN!

I GOT TO READ THIS THING BY MONDAY.

I GOT TO RECOMMEND A RETIREMENT PLAN FOR YOU GUYS.

THIS COULD DETERMINE WHETHER YOU´RE PLAYING BINGO FOR FUN

OR BINGO FOR SURVIVAL.

HEY, I´M SORRY.

LISTEN, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU LETTING ME STAY HERE.

I´LL JUST SAY GOOD NIGHT TO LINDA,

THEN YOU WON´T EVEN KNOW I´M HERE.

[ Deep voice ] HEY, BABY.

IT´S SWEET DADDY.

[ Normal voice ] ERNIE.

IT´S ERNIE!

I JUST, UH,

I WANTED MY VOICE TO BE THE LAST ONE YOU HEAR TONIGHT.

OH, YOU´RE GOING OUT?

WELL, WHEN CAN I SEE YOU?

OH, I DON´T KNOW. I´LL ASK.

HEY, CAN LINDA AND HER KIDS COME OVER TOMORROW?

YEAH. SURE.

THOSE KIDS HAVE PROBABLY NEVER SEEN

A HOUSE WITHOUT WHEELS BEFORE.

HEY, BABY, I´M BACK.

NO, ERNIE!

DAD, ARE YOU BUSY?

UM, YEAH, MAX. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

UM, CAN YOU SIGN SOMETHING FOR SCHOOL?

WE´RE GOING TO THE ZOO...

UH, SCIENCE...

SPACE PLACE.

YEAH.

SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

WHAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN?

HE´S GOING TO THE ZOO-SCIENCE-SPACE-THING PLACE.

MAX, LET ME SEE THAT NOTE.

DAD ALREADY SIGNED IT.

GIVE IT TO ME.

SHE´S UNDERMINING YOUR AUTHORITY!

THIS IS FOR A PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE.

HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

THE TEACHER HATES ME.

THE TEACHER CAN´T JUST HATE YOU, MAX. WHAT DID YOU DO?

THERE WAS THIS STUPID TEST.

I DIDN´T FEEL LIKE TAKING IT, SO I DREW A PICTURE.

OF...?

MY TEACHER...

TAKING A TEST...

IN HELL.

[ LAUGHS ]

SON, THAT´S WRONG.

MAX, WHY DIDN´T YOU TAKE THE TEST?

I DON´T KNOW!

GEORGE, OUR CHILD JUST WALKED AWAY FROM US.

THE GOOD ONE.

ANGIE, I´VE GOT ALL THIS WORK TO DO.

CAN YOU DEAL WITH IT?

NO! MAX HAS NEVER BEEN IN TROUBLE AT SCHOOL BEFORE.

WE´RE BOTH GOING TO THAT MEETING.

CAN´T WE DO IT ON THE PHONE?

MY MOM NEVER WENT TO MY SCHOOL.

SHE ONLY WENT TO MY GRADUATION TO HECKLE ME.

"OH, LOOK AT HIM, MR. OH-YOU-THINK-YOU´RE-ALL-BAD.

MR. HIGH-SCHOOL-DIPLOMA. MR. I-KNOW-WHERE-AFRICA-IS."

WHAT?

YOU ARE SO DAMAGED.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

WE BOTH GOT TO TALK TO THAT TEACHER.

ALL RIGHT.

HEY, BUT LISTEN -- YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES AT NIGHT

YOU CALL ME "SWEET DADDY"?

DON´T DO THAT ANYMORE.

[ INTRO TO WAR´S "LOW RIDER" PLAYS ]

♫ ALL MY FRIENDS ♫

♫ KNOW THE LOW RIDER ♫

♫ THE LOW RIDER IS A LITTLE HIGHER ♫

"ALL ABOUT ME."

OH, GEORGE.

LOOK AT THESE LITTLE AUTOBIOGRAPHIES.

"I´M BRANDY. I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS,

"AND I DON´T HAVE A DAD.

"BUT THAT´S OKAY

"BECAUSE MY MOM SAYS I´M PRETTY,

AND THE WORLD LOVES A PRETTY GIRL."

THERE´S A FUTURE STRIPPER.

MR. AND MRS. LOPEZ, THANK YOU FOR COMING DOWN.

LET ME START BY SAYING MAX IS A JOY TO HAVE IN CLASS.

HE´S A JOY AT HOME.

AND HE LIKES YOU, TOO.

HE DRAWS ALL HIS FAVORITE PEOPLE IN HELL.

GOOD.

UM, LOOK, MAX IS HAVING REAL PROBLEMS WITH HIS READING.

HAVE YOU SEEN HIS CENTIPEDE?

I DON´T KNOW WHAT THAT´S GOT TO DO WITH READING,

BUT IN OUR HOUSE, WE CALL IT A "WEENIS."

UH, NO.

JUST LOOK UP AT THE WALL HERE.

YOU SEE, EACH TIME A STUDENT FINISHES A BOOK,

WE ADD A SEGMENT TO THEIR CENTIPEDE.

FOR EXAMPLE, DAKOTA HERE

HAS ALREADY READ 20 BOOKS THIS YEAR.

WHERE´S MAX´S?

IT´S JUST THAT HEAD UP THERE.

MISS WILDER, WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PROBLEM?

WELL, WE´VE TESTED MAX,

AND IT SEEMS HE HAS A LEARNING DISABILITY.

WE THINK HE´S DYSLEXIC.

WHAT? THAT CAN´T BE RIGHT.

I KNOW HE´S NOT THE BEST STUDENT,

BUT HE´S A REALLY SMART BOY.

NO, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH INTELLIGENCE.

IT HAS TO DO WITH THE WAY HE PROCESSES LANGUAGE.

SOMETIMES HIS BRAIN REVERSES LETTERS,

WHICH MAKES IT HARDER FOR HIM

TO COMPREHEND WHAT HE´S READING.

WELL, WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP HIM?

WELL, I THINK MAX SHOULD BEGIN SPECIAL-EDUCATION CLASSES.

YOU WANT TO PUT MY SON IN SPECIAL ED? NO. NO WAY.

BUT, GEORGE, IF HE NEEDS THE CLASSES --

NO, ANGIE!

YOU´RE NOT GONNA PUT MY KID IN SPECIAL ED

SO ALL THE OTHER KIDS CAN MAKE FUN OF HIM! GEORGE!

MR. LOPEZ, IF HE DOESN´T GET THE TOOLS HE NEEDS TO READ,

HE COULD BE HELD BACK.

DOES EVERY KID IN THIS CLASS READ THE WAY THEY SHOULD?

HE´S A BOY. HE´LL GROW OUT OF IT.

I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN, BUT THIS IS A SCHOOL,

AND YOU´RE A TEACHER, SO WHY DON´T YOU TEACH HIM?

WELL, WHY DON´T I LET YOU TWO DISCUSS THIS?

WE DON´T NEED TO DISCUSS IT, ´CAUSE WE´RE LOPEZES.

AND WE DON´T ASK FOR HELP, AND WE DON´T GET HELP.

AND EVEN WHEN WE GET HELP, WE DON´T TAKE IT, BECAUSE WE DON´T DESERVE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I DON´T KNOW, BUT I DON´T NEED YOUR HELP!

I´M SORRY.

ERNIE, WHAT´S GOING ON?

I´M MAKING LUNCH FOR THE KIDS.

THEN I GOT TO TAKE BRANDON TO SOCCER PRACTICE

AND CONNIE TO BALLET.

WELL, WHERE´S THEIR MOTHER?

OH, IT´S OUR 3-WEEK ANNIVERSARY.

SHE WANTED TO CELEBRATE,

SO SHE WENT TO A SPA UP IN OJAI.

HEY, MAN, GO LIKE THIS.

OH, THIS IS CLEM, JR.

HEY, THING ONE, THING TWO, TAKE IT OUTSIDE.

WE CAN´T GO OUT.

THE YARD LADY´S WORKING WITH THAT DUMB KID.

WHAT THE HELL?

HEY, NOT IN FRONT OF CLEM JR.!

OKAY, WHAT LETTER COMES NEXT?

"G"?

TRY AGAIN, HONEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT´S JUST AN EXERCISE. I HOLD UP A LETTER,

AND YOU TELL ME THE LETTER THAT COMES AFTER IT.

ANYBODY CAN DO THAT.

BUT YOU HAVE TO DO IT

WITHOUT SINGING THE ALPHABET SONG.

TRY IT.

OH, SURE, "Q." IT´S THE HARDEST ONE!

GEORGE, IT´S SUPPOSED TO BE RANDOM.

THEN YOU TRY IT. OKAY.

"S."

"N."

"H."

"V."

YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT´S NOT A TURN-ON.

COME ON, KIDS, WE GOT TO GET MOVING.

HEY, I DON´T WANT TO BE LATE FOR MY "MOMMY AND ME" CLASS.

BYE, GUYS!

SEE YOU, "SLOW-PEZ."

YOU HEAR THAT KID?

THAT´S WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF WE SEND HIM TO SPECIAL ED.

SPECIAL ED? I DON´T WANT TO BE IN SPECIAL ED.

IS THAT WHY YOU´RE DOING THIS?

George: TELL THE TRUTH, MAX.

HAVE YOU BEEN DOING YOUR BEST AT SCHOOL?

NO, I GUESS NOT.

PROMISE YOU´LL DO BETTER? YOU´LL READ MORE?

YES.

OKAY, THEN NO SPECIAL ED FOR YOU.

THANKS, DAD. I PROMISE I´LL WORK REALLY HARD.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

WHAT WAS THAT?

THAT WAS ME MAKING A DECISION WITHOUT CONSULTING YOU FIRST,

AND NOW THIS IS THE FIGHT ABOUT THAT.

GEORGE, I DON´T WANT TO FIGHT ABOUT THIS.

I WANT TO HELP MAX.

WE DON´T EVEN KNOW IF HE´S GOT DYSLEXIA. WHY? BECAUSE ONE TEACHER SAID SO?

NO. I´VE BEEN READING ABOUT IT. HE´S GOT ALL THE SIGNS.

NOT ONLY THAT --

GEORGE, IT CAN BE GENETIC.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I THINK YOU HAVE IT, TOO.

OH, GREAT.

YOU´RE SAYING THAT I PASSED IT ON TO HIM?

I DON´T THINK SO, ANGIE.

THERE´S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY CENTIPEDE.

GEORGE, THIS IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

SOME OF THE MOST PROMINENT PEOPLE IN HISTORY

HAVE BEEN DYSLEXIC.

EINSTEIN, da VINCI,

CHURCHILL, CHER...

CHURCHILL.

COME ON! IF I HAD IT, DON´T YOU THINK I´D KNOW BY NOW?!

NOT NECESSARILY. YOU WERE ON THE LINE FOR 15 YEARS.

YOU DIDN´T HAVE TO READ.

ALL THESE BOOKS TALK ABOUT HOW PEOPLE WITH DYSLEXIA

FIND WAYS TO GET OUT OF READING.

WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT? RIGHT HERE.

READ IT TO ME.

GEORGE, YOU´RE DOING IT.

I CAN´T BE DOING ANYTHING, BECAUSE I DON´T HAVE ANYTHING.

AND I NEVER GAVE MAX ANYTHING...

EXCEPT A GREAT HEAD OF HAIR.

AND SALMONELLA,

THAT ONE TIME I TRIED TO MAKE MY OWN CHICKEN FINGERS.

HEY, GEORGE. YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

YEAH, LISTEN, I HAVEN´T FINISHED READING THIS YET,

SO GIVE ME THE HEADS-UP IF YOU SEE THE POWERS BROTHERS.

NO PROBLEM.

WELL, GEORGE, HAVE YOU ANALYZED THE REPORT?

[ NO AUDIO ]

YEAH, SURE. YOU KNOW, I JUST NEED TO MAKE SOME COPIES.

HELL, GEORGE, WE DON´T NEED TO READ ANYTHING.

WE KNOW WHICH PLAN WE THINK IS BEST.

BUT WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?

WELL, YOU KNOW,

I´VE BEEN CONSIDERING THE COLOMBIA 401(k)...

BUT I´M ALSO INTERESTED IN THE JANUS PENSION...

AND THEN THERE´S THE GRUBSTICK PLAN...

WHICH IS THE ONE THAT I RECOMMEND 100%.

WOW, THAT WOULD SAVE US A BUNDLE.

WHO´D HAVE THOUGHT YOU´D BE AGAINST

PAYING FOR NURSING HOMES?

I GUESS IF THEY´RE MAD AT YOU, THEY WON´T BE MAD FOR LONG!

OH, NO, NO, NO. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WE CAN´T DO AWAY WITH NURSING HOMES.

MY MOM DIDN´T SMOKE FOR 40 YEARS

TO DIE ALONE IN MY ATTIC.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW, I CAN´T RECOMMEND ANYTHING

BECAUSE I DIDN´T FINISH READING THE PROPOSAL.

OH, DAMN IT, GEORGE.

THIS JOB ISN´T ONLY RUNNING THE PLANT FLOOR.

[ SIGHS ] WE WERE WORRIED THAT A GUY FROM THE LINE

WOULD HAVE TROUBLE WITH THE PAPER WORK.

I DIDN´T HAVE TROUBLE. I GOT CAUGHT UP WITH OTHER STUFF.

WHEN DO WE GET IT?

TOMORROW MORNING, FIRST THING. COUNT ON IT.

HEY, LISTEN, MOM, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

HEY, I´M NOT CO-SIGNING CRAP FOR YOU.

WASN´T THAT THE TOAST YOU GAVE AT MY WEDDING?

LISTEN, WHEN I WAS A KID, DID I HAVE TROUBLE READING?

YEAH, YOU DID.

YOU DIDN´T READ SO GOOD,

AND YOU WROTE STUFF KIND OF FUNNY, TOO.

DID THE SCHOOL EVER SAY I WAS DYSLEXIC?

[ SIGHS ] OH, THERE WE GO WITH THOSE FANCY LABELS.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE WHAT YOU HAD?

YOU FINISHED SCHOOL. SO YOU WEREN´T THE GREATEST STUDENT.

WHAT WERE YOU GONNA BE -- THE FIRST MEXICAN ASTRONAUT?

HEY, MAYBE.

WE BOTH KNOW I CAN SURVIVE IN A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT

WITH A DANGEROUS LIFE FORM.

LOOK, THE SCHOOL WANTED TO PUT YOU IN REMEDIAL CLASSES.

I SAID, "NO WAY!

I DON´T WANT THE KIDS LAUGHING AT MY SON!"

YOU ALREADY HAD A GIANT HEAD.

NO DAD. YOU PEED THE BED. YOU WERE PATHETIC ENOUGH.

YOU KNOW, MAX HAS DYSLEXIA,

AND ANGIE WANTS TO PUT HIM IN SPECIAL ED.

NO. FORGET THAT.

JUST DO WHAT I DID FOR YOU.

I HELD YOU BACK A YEAR SO YOU WOULD LOOK LIKE A GENIUS.

Ernie: HEY, GEORGE.

WOW, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL.

YOU BEEN UP ALL NIGHT READING THAT PROPOSAL?

OH, MAN, I´M SO EXHAUSTED.

I DON´T EVEN CARE ABOUT RETIREMENT.

JUST DEATH.

SWEET, BLISSFUL DEATH.

HEY, I MIGHT BE A LITTLE LATE TODAY.

I GOT TO TAKE THE KIDS FOR THEIR VACCINATIONS.

WHERE´S LINDA?

OH, SHE´S IN COURT.

SHE´S GETTING CUSTODY OF HER TWO OTHER KIDS

FROM HER FIRST HUSBAND.

PLUS, SHE´S GOT TO SEE HER PAROLE OFFICER.

OH, AND THEN SHE´S GOT TO RETRACE HER STEPS

AND FIND HER TOOTH.

SO SHE´S DOING GOOD?

YEAH.

ERNIE, DUDE, SHE´S A MESS.

SHE´S JUST WITH YOU SO YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF HER KIDS.

HEY, THAT´S NOT TRUE.

COME ON, BROTHER, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE PAMPERS.

I MEAN, ARE YOU REALLY HAPPY?

I´M TIRED.

I´M SO TIRED.

DUDE, YOU GOT TO TELL HER IT´S OVER.

YEAH, YOU´RE RIGHT.

I´M GONNA HAVE TO MOVE BACK IN WITH MY FOLKS.

OH MAN, I CAN HEAR MY MOM NOW.

LISTEN, I KNOW THIS THING WITH LINDA DIDN´T WORK OUT,

BUT LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE...

WHAT?

HEY, MAN, YOU GOT USED.

YEAH!

I GOT USED!

HEY, MAX, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO EARLY?

I DIDN´T FINISH MY HOMEWORK LAST NIGHT.

SO YOU´RE DOING IT NOW?

YOU SAID TO TRY HARDER. I´M TRYING HARDER.

NOT EASY, IS IT?

IT´S OKAY.

I JUST HAVE TO GET UP 20 MINUTES EARLIER.

MAX, I WANT YOU TO TAKE THOSE SPECIAL CLASSES.

YOU SAID I DIDN´T HAVE TO.

I KNOW, BUT LISTEN, IT´S 20 MINUTES NOW.

PRETTY SOON IT´LL BE AN HOUR.

SOMEDAY YOU´LL BE UP ALL NIGHT TRYING TO FINISH YOUR WORK,

THINKING ABOUT SWEET, BLISSFUL DEATH.

I KNOW WHAT I´M TALKING ABOUT, OKAY,

´CAUSE I GOT THE SAME THING.

WE´RE BOTH DYSLEXIC.

THAT MEANS THAT WE HAVE A HARD TIME WITH WORDS,

THAT SOMETHING IN OUR BRAIN´S JUST CONNECTED DIFFERENTLY.

YOU CAN HAVE THIS AND STILL BE REALLY SMART,

LIKE EINSTEIN OR CHER.

OF COURSE, EINSTEIN´S THEORIES ARE BEING CHALLENGED,

BUT CHER, HEY, SHE KEEPS PUTTING OUT THE HITS.

MAYBE I DON´T HAVE THIS THING.

MAYBE I JUST SUCK AT SCHOOL.

THAT´S THE POINT, MAX. YOU DON´T HAVE TO SUCK.

AND WITH THESE SPECIAL CLASSES, YOU´LL GET HELP.

YOU´LL GET MORE ATTENTION.

EVERYONE AT SCHOOL WILL MAKE FUN OF ME, THOUGH.

I´M NOT SAYING IT´S GONNA BE EASY, BUT LOOK AT ME.

I CAN´T FINISH THIS, AND I DON´T WANT YOU TO GO THROUGH WHAT I´M GOING THROUGH.

I´M NOT GOING TO SPECIAL ED!

YOU´RE GOING. NO! YOU LIED TO ME!

NO, I CHANGED MY MIND.

YOU CAN´T MAKE ME GO!

YOU´RE GOING! NO!

GO UPSTAIRS AND GET READY FOR SCHOOL.

I´M TAKING YOU.

SOMEDAY HE´LL THANK YOU.

RIGHT.

RIGHT AFTER HE THANKS ME FOR TAKING AWAY HIS FAKE I.D.

AND MAKING HIM BREAK UP WITH THAT REAL SLUTTY GIRL

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?

READ THIS DAMN THING TO ME!

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ SIGHS ]

"DISTRIBUTIONS IN EXCESS OF THIS AMOUNT WILL BE TAXABLE,

"EXCEPT TO THE EXTENT THE DISTRIBUTION IS ALLOCABLE

TO YOUR AFTER-TAX CONTRIBUTIONS MADE AFTER 1980 --"

GOOD LORD, MAYBE YOU´RE NOT DYSLEXIC.

COME ON, READ IT TO ME.

BUT, YOU KNOW, MAKE IT INTERESTING.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ Sexy voice ] "THE AMOUNT OF EACH...

"DISTRIBUTION,

"WHICH IS TREATED AS A REFUND,

"WILL BE GIVEN BACK

IN ONE...LUMP...SUM."

OOH.

MMM.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE REALLY SEXY?

WHAT?

IS IF YOU STARTED TO TAKE NOTES, TOO.

I THINK THESE COLORED LENSES ARE WORKING.

THEY´RE HELPING ME FOCUS ON THE WORDS.

I´M REALLY ENJOYING READING.

THAT´S GREAT. MY BOYS ARE GETTING THEIR "READ" ON.

HOW´S YOUR BOOK?

WELL, SO FAR, THE GRUBSTICK PLAN

HAS A BIG PENALTY IF YOU RETIRE BEFORE 65.

CAN WE SWITCH NOW?

ALL RIGHT.

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT´S SO FUNNY?

HEY, SORRY, YOU WANTED TO SWITCH.