Original subtitles

Do you, Doris Bolton, take this man as

your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Walter Rowland, take this woman

as your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Congratulations.

And the best of luck to both of

you.

Thank you.

Or perhaps I should say the best of

luck to all of you.

Children of love, start the celebration.

Wake up the world to a new creation.

Let it be known as the generation that

will light up the sky with love.

Light up the sky with love.

You are now and now is not to

be thrown away.

Life is love and love is all that

you need today.

You are good vibrations.

World, get together now.

We can win somehow if we join our

hands and carry love across the land.

Oh, children of love, start the celebration.

Wake up the world to a new creation.

Let it be known as the generation that

will light up the sky with love.

Hey there, Plato.

Hi, kids.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

You look kind of funny.

We just got married.

You just got what?

Married.

You just got married?

Oh, nice.

I thought you were married.

Whatever gave you that idea?

I don't know.

Just...

Oh, kids.

Hey, hey, I'll give you a wedding present.

One month's free rent.

Any month you want.

How about last month?

Paid.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hold this.

Hey, aren't you going to carry me over

the threshold?

Upstairs.

All right, come on.

Hey, wait.

Take your time coming up.

No, not yet.

I thought you hated post-pictures.

I'll hate this one.

Oh, hey.

Smile.

Yeah, I'm smiling.

You're heavy, Doris.

It's a crush?

No, it's not.

Keep smiling.

This is our wedding portrait.

Oh, Doris.

Oh!

Are you all right?

Yes.

Good.

I'm so happy.

Do you feel married?

I always felt married to you.

Walter.

Listen.

I'd love to call my father and tell

him how happy I am.

Do you think he cares?

He never calls you.

I'm supposed to call him.

That's our agreement.

Listen, when I was a minor, he was

impossible.

He was saving me for you.

Yeah.

I bet I'm exactly what he had in

mind.

You are.

He'll be all for what you're doing.

He's very progressive.

He fought for years to maintain his own

purity in that terrible advertising business.

$9.60. How many of these it takes

to reach from here to Madison Avenue?

It's not going to rack you out, is

it, Walter?

Me being married and everything.

Tori.

You're the greatest thing that ever happened to

me.

Promise you won't tell your father anything about

our plans?

Of course not.

Okay.

Go ahead and call him.

Denver's two hours earlier.

I'll call him at the office.

Collect.

I don't want to announce our marriage on

a collect call.

Dial direct.

Just keep it very short.

Walter, you're so good to me.

Mr. Bolton's office, please.

Hi, it's Doris.

Is he in?

He's talking to his big boss in Chicago.

Should I leave my number?

Oh, no, no.

No, I'll hold on.

No, don't interrupt.

It's not that urgent.

He'll only be a minute.

Arthur, don't you see?

People who don't know what masochist means, they

might think it's one of the dogs.

That's your word.

I selected a man that was weak and

neurotic looking.

This guy looks like an ad for cigarettes.

Well, what's wrong with keeping everybody happy, huh?

Well, nothing, but when's my turn?

Payday.

Arthur, how about printing cancer in red?

There you go again, splitting hairs that nobody

else can see.

Well, I need them for my invisible split

hair shirt.

Just wear it on weekends.

Okay, Arthur, have a good one.

You too, pal.

Bye.

Your daughter is on three.

Hey, Doris, are you all right?

Never better.

Thank God.

I'm sorry I haven't called you.

I've been so worried I broke my promise

and tried to call you.

Don't you have a home?

I've moved out of there.

To where?

Well, uh...

Is something wrong there?

No, no, no, there's something right.

I just got married.

Daddy.

Daddy.

Are you happy, sweetheart?

Oh, yes.

Listen, he's wonderful.

You'll be crazy about him.

Yeah, well, who is he?

Oh, listen, don't tell Mother.

I'll call her myself.

Is she still in Palm Beach?

Yes, who is he?

You picked him out yourself.

I can't wait for you to meet him.

Well, when?

I mean, what are your honeymoon plans?

Well, um, we're not going anywhere.

What about this weekend, then?

I'm free tomorrow.

Look, I'll catch the TWA flight that gets

into Kennedy at 3 p.m. We'll have

dinner together.

What's the matter?

Don't you want me?

Oh, of course.

Yeah, that'll be wonderful.

Well, we'll meet you at the airport tomorrow.

What?

Listen, Daddy, I have to hang up now.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye.

He's not coming here.

Doris, what's the matter with you?

Look, if he sees this, he'll know we're

planning to deliver it ourselves.

Now, he'll never understand why.

Never.

He will, Walter.

I know him.

I have complete faith in him.

Just as I have complete faith in you.

Oh, Doris.

Look, people change.

Now, you're up to date on me, but

you haven't seen him in months.

It'll be all right.

Yeah, it'll be all right, because we're gonna

leave him up there at the airport until

he goes back home.

Oh, Walter, don't do that to him.

Jim, were you trying to reach me?

Uh, yeah, Mark.

Uh, listen, I just found out I have

to go to New York.

Would you do me a favor and entertain

Ted Greenfield for me tomorrow night?

My daughter, Doris, uh, has just gotten engaged

to be married.

Well, what's the rush?

Well, you know how impatient kids are today.

As soon as I give them my blessing,

they want to get married right away.

As long as it's an emergency.

Thanks, pal.

Hello, Jim.

Good evening, Andrew.

I hear your daughter's getting married.

Anyone we know?

No, he's a New York fellow.

Sounds marvelous.

Good family, uh, great catch, apparently.

Terrific, Jim.

To the father of the bride-to-be.

Walter, I found this old lock under the

sink.

We could put it on the delivery room

door.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We can tell him the room's full of

grass.

It's terrific.

Hope it rocks all right.

What are you cleaning up for?

Well, under any circumstances, it won't do any

harm to have a clean house, will it?

Walter, would you mind taking that trash downstairs?

They might pick it up in the morning.

You washed the floor, too, didn't you?

You see, that's how it starts.

Compromise, compromise, and before you know it, your

whole life is ruined.

Many men have taken out the trash for

their pregnant wives without ruining their lives.

On their wedding night?

And besides, this isn't for you.

It's for your father, who's gonna be stuck

in a cave.

I'll be back tomorrow evening, Martha.

Hey, Doris,

what time is it?

I don't know.

Why?

We should have some kind of clock or

something, you know.

What time do you think it is?

Late.

I think it's late, too.

Late for what?

What did you say late for?

I asked you first.

What time is your father's plane supposed to

get into Kennery?

Well, now, what difference does it make if

you're not going?

I didn't say I wasn't going.

I said I wasn't gonna meet him there.

I'll go.

Take a look at him from behind a

post or something.

If he looks anything like I think he

looks, I'll just leave him there.

Now, what do you think he looks like?

Oh, you know.

I don't know what he looks like.

I haven't the vaguest idea.

How can I possibly go meet him if

I don't know what he looks like?

He'll be carrying a tan pigskin under the

seat bag with the initials J.D.B.

under the handle.

How do you know?

Because I gave it to him.

Doris, how am I gonna get out to

the airport?

We spent all that money on food.

Jim!

Well met, dear boy, well met.

Come and sit down.

Have a drink with me.

Thank you, Mr. Vlado, you're a dear.

Bye.

There, you can borrow the station wagon.

Oh, he forgot how to drive, too.

I still don't see why he can't come.

I told you, I want him to get

to know you first.

By the time you two get back, you'll

be good friends.

I can't get over how your mind has

deteriorated since we got married.

Hey, Rick.

Did Mr. Vlado call you about my borrowing

the station wagon?

Oh, yes, Walt.

But his wife took it.

He said you could have the van.

It'll be all right, Walter.

All right.

Well, look at it.

It's all full of big tin things.

He'll just think the whole thing's very amusing,

that's all.

Oh, well, then, don't wipe off the dirt.

That's the funniest part.

There isn't even a seat in there for

him.

He'll have to stand up.

Of course there's a seat.

It's just under those pipes.

Don't waste time with that now.

It's 2.30. All right.

All right.

The only thing about this that really bothers

me is that it really bothers me.

And if you can keep the guest list

under 200, you can have the reception at

the club.

Hey, you can't park here.

Is this where the emergency is?

What emergency?

Is this the passenger terminal?

Yeah, but...

What happened?

What's wrong?

If you don't know about it, this can't

be the passenger terminal.

No, no, this is the passenger terminal.

You go in right through there.

Taxi.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's wrong?

Well, I'll tell you as soon as I

check the thermocouple.

Well, make it as quick as you can.

Are you James Bolton?

Yeah, what's the matter?

No, nothing.

I've come to meet you, that's all.

You're, uh...

Walter Owen.

Doris's husband.

Uh, how do you do?

Where's Doris?

Oh, she's back at the, uh...

The, uh...

Apartment?

Yeah, sort of.

You're Doris's husband?

Yes.

It's out here.

I'll get that you have your hands full.

Sort of.

Are you a photographer or a plumber?

Which would you prefer?

I'll get these.

Get in the other door.

Will you pick that stuff up and get

out of here!

Take this heap and get out of here!

Look what you've done to the traffic, you

stupid nut!

You ought to be arrested for pulling a

stunt like that!

Now you get moving!

Leave the rest of the things!

Just get out of here!

You think I enjoy all this?

I can't help it.

Everybody's tied up here.

Oh, I'm faded!

See what you did to me here?

You see what you did to the traffic?

Get out of here!

Get this heap and get out of here!

Get out of here!

Maybe we should leave this here.

Better get

some gas.

We'll make it.

Give me a gallon.

A gallon?

Look, I just have 40 cents.

Don't you have one of our credit cards?

No.

Well, here.

Just fill up this application.

Just give me a gallon.

Fill it up.

Yes, sir.

Doors tell you I used to live in

the regular village after the war.

Yes.

I loved it.

Real excitement.

Great people.

A feeling of happiness.

I suppose all that's changed now.

Yes, it all changed.

Who lives there now?

People like you.

Leave it there, Walter.

I'll take care of it.

Thanks, Rick.

Gas.

Five dollars.

I don't write these things down in my

tax book right away.

I forget them.

How can you deduct a visit to your

daughter?

Consumer research.

You work here?

No.

We live here.

We're upstairs.

Doris and I looked all over, all kinds

of places.

We saw this stairway.

We knew this was it.

Daddy!

Hello, sweetheart.

I'm so glad you came.

Is that a baby?

When is it?

At any time now.

Come on in.

Why did you tell me you were...

I was afraid of your ulcer.

Well.

Gee.

You're...

Going to have a baby, then.

That's wonderful.

Congratulations, Doris.

And you too, Walter.

Walter.

This model's going to have a baby.

That's exciting.

See, I told you she's the greatest.

Well, let's go for a drink.

I should have thought of that.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

We don't have anything to drink.

Oh, no, listen.

I don't know why I didn't think of

getting some champagne on the way down here.

I'll tell you what.

I was going to take you out for

a big dinner anyway.

So why don't we go uptown right now

and start celebrating?

You run along and get changed.

I am changed.

You look fine.

Look fine.

Daddy, I don't want to go uptown.

Don't you want to eat here?

Huh?

Oh, sure.

Well, sure, sweetheart, sure.

It just never occurred to me that you

could...

Cook.

Oh, well, Walter taught me how.

See?

Oh, good.

Hey, good for you, Doris.

You got it.

Look at that, stove and everything, huh?

You know, honey, you've done a marvelous job

with this place here.

I mean, you know, it's very...

Spacious.

Spacious, simple.

It has atmosphere.

It has atmosphere.

And when you...

You get a great feeling of...

Well, honest.

It's an honest, honest feeling.

When you look out here, you get a

wonderful feeling of...

Down the street there.

What's the matter, Daddy?

What do you mean, what's the matter?

Well, you seem awfully sort of jerky.

No, I'm just getting myself oriented, that's all.

You are married?

Yes, sure.

Yesterday afternoon.

That reminds me, you missed our 24-hour

anniversary.

I thought about it.

What's the matter, Daddy?

You, uh...

You think we copped out?

No.

No, I...

In fact, I think it would have been

all right if you'd done it even earlier.

Oh.

Well, we probably should have.

I mean, we felt like it, it's just

that...

Well, that marriage is such a fundamental part

of this diseased society.

The point is that marriage doesn't have to

be contaminated.

I mean, the institution predates the system by

centuries.

I know.

I still feel right about our ceremony.

Well, let's face it, Walter, we were very

lucky.

Yeah, he could have ruined our whole thing.

No.

Well, I mean...

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I wish I did.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, what's your mother gonna say?

Huh?

Oh, God.

What is it she's gonna say?

Gonna blame me for the whole thing.

What whole thing?

Walter, there are people who have not thrown

out all the social conventions the way...

We have.

Daddy, you never had any respect for those

people before.

Why bother with them now?

I have to bother with them.

I live with them.

They're all over me.

My ulcer is back.

Yeah, I can see those rows of yoga

containers already.

It's not our fault if you're hung up

in Denver.

I'm not hung up in Denver.

You can't enjoy your own grandchild.

You're hung up somewhere.

I'm enjoying it.

I am.

I have nothing against a baby.

I love him.

I love children.

It's just that if he were to be

born a little later, it'd have been better

for everybody.

Well, it wouldn't be better for him.

You can't wish for a later birth without

wishing this child out of existence.

And how do you know he won't solve

the mystery of the universe or something?

I'd be satisfied if he'd just figure out

what to tell them in Denver.

He says one good thing.

We could save money by sending out a

combination birth and wedding announcement.

Why tell them about the baby at all?

They're going to have to know about it

sooner or later.

I can't just suddenly produce a teenage grandchild.

Of course, by then, a lot of the

relatives will have died off.

Wait a minute.

What's wrong with this?

We let a few years go by, and

then we announce that we're going to adopt

a child.

We'll stick the kid in an orphanage in

Tulane, which will put us way ahead cost

-wise.

When the great day arrives, you'll be there

with Raymond Burr at your side.

We'll cut to a medium two-shot of

the orphanage gates, then do a close-up

of the two-streak little face.

Grandpa.

Walter, why don't you go down and get

a container of yogurt?

What flavor?

Plain.

What's the matter with you?

I've never seen you like this.

Doris, all the times that you've phoned me,

why didn't you tell me you were...

pregnant?

I'm sorry.

But this was something we had to resolve

by ourselves.

When I first told Walter, he reacted as

if I conferred some great honor on him.

And then...

Well, I'm very happy with Walter, Daddy.

And remember, you haven't lost a daughter, you've

gained a son.

You were to help me set the table.

What did your mother say when you phoned

her?

Well, I...

I didn't.

I thought the best way to tell her

would be to just give her a darling

little baby doll.

Let's hope it looks exactly like her.

How are you and Mother these days?

Oh, just about the same.

She's mad all the time.

At what?

Me still?

No, me mostly.

She's decided I'm drinking too much.

Are you?

Yes.

Now, Doris, I thought that this generation gap

was just something the media created.

You created it.

I'm your generation.

This is my generation in the original sense

of the word.

For God's sake, Doris.

Now, look, honey, what do you want from

me anyway?

Nothing, Daddy.

Relax.

I just told you I'm very happy.

Aren't you glad?

Of course I am.

I'm delighted.

I'm delighted.

Now, what about his parents?

They were old, and they're both dead.

At least I won't have to meet them

for a while.

And I've got all the schooling.

A $10,000 debut to marry a plumber.

You mean Walter told you he was a

plumber?

Well, he didn't tell me he wasn't a

plumber.

Actually, a plumber wouldn't live in this broken

-down, rat-infested farm town.

Well, we're getting a Scotty.

They're wonderful ratters.

You mean it is rat-infested?

A little.

Look, Doris, look, I'm calling exterminator right now.

Look, I'll pay for it.

I'll have your rats killed as a wedding

present.

Look, don't worry, Daddy.

Walter has the whole situation under control.

Now, why don't you go in and relax?

I want to give you something.

Something you really need.

How about a new set of furniture?

Oh, you're kidding.

Walter just made those.

We love handmade things.

Look, a friend of ours blew these up

himself.

They look handmade, don't they?

And actually, I guess they're very nice.

They're very...

honest-looking.

This one won't stand up.

Oh, that one, you'll have to let me

get something.

Doris, why don't I give you some money?

Don't tell me you print your own money.

Daddy, Walter has a nice little photographic business.

We don't need anyone.

It's just a gift for the baby, for

the hospital, for the doctor.

It's all very expensive, you know.

Arrangements are all made.

I've got an old friend.

He's an obstetrician.

If he's still practicing in town, he'll do

it for nothing.

Daddy, this is my first dinner for you

and Walter together.

You know, it means a lot to me

to have a nice dinner.

I'll be old genial Jim, the king of

the back-slappers.

Just be yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Hey.

Guess what?

I ran into Bullitz Farnsworth.

She paid me for that enlargement of her

girlfriend.

So I bought wine for dinner.

Can you drink it?

Yeah, why not?

So long as business is booming.

This is a very fine wine.

Label was copyrighted in 1963, an excellent year.

You see it in all the best storeways

around here.

Well, I'll drink a toast to the baby.

To the little stranger.

And to the big stranger.

And to the sudden stranger.

Well, maybe I'd better get ready for dinner.

Where's the bathroom?

You do have one, don't you?

It's right down here.

All handmade, I suppose.

It's right in here, Daddy.

You must admit he's trying very hard to

be tolerant.

Talk about contamination.

He just got here and already we're thinking

of ourselves as something that has to be

tolerated.

By the time he leaves, we'll have turned

ourselves into the AMA.

Listen, whatever you do, don't get started about

the doctors.

Why not?

Just don't, please.

I feel like putting my soul in a

baggie.

Well, that's quite a little dark room you

have there.

Yes.

Walter, why don't you show Daddy the rest

of your setup?

Show him your workshop.

This is my workshop.

Well, look at all the tools.

Walter got them from pawnbrokers in return for

taking pictures of their children.

The old barter system, huh?

Let's hope your grocer has a lot of

kids.

Listen, you don't know what a good photographer

Walter really is.

Walter, you know I've always wanted some good

pictures of my father.

Why don't you take some for me while

I fix dinner?

I don't want my picture taken.

You don't have to pose.

Walter doesn't like posed pictures.

That's all right.

Go ahead and pose.

I want nice, natural pictures.

Posing is natural for him.

Walter.

I could use that yogurt.

Oh, sure, right away.

Ready?

Take any natural pose you want.

Well, how about this one?

It's called square father being put on by

smart Alec's son-in-law.

Well, how about this one?

Father-in-law pretending to be square in

order to support boy's shaky ego.

Why don't you just make two prints of

the first one?

I can tell the difference.

Are you getting some good ones?

Yeah.

Walter, don't use up all your film.

You know you have that big job tomorrow.

Don't waste all your film on me, Walter.

You got a big job coming up.

Come on down here, Daddy.

I'd like to have your opinion of Walter's

finished work.

I'd be glad to criticize his work.

Where is it?

It's right in here.

This is the only place Walter let me

put anything up.

Oh, the spaghetti.

They're good.

They're very good.

Thank you.

Doris?

Yes?

Would you come in here?

There's something I want you to hear.

I can't right now.

I'm on a very crucial stage.

All right.

We'll come out there.

I want you to hear this.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime sort

of thing I want to say to you.

What's that?

Well, as you know, I've been in advertising

for 19 years now.

Walter!

Walter!

I'd like you to hear this.

Would you mind coming out here if it's

not too much trouble?

I've just got an idea.

She'll be right back.

May I?

Yeah.

Why in the hell did I lean my

glass?

As I was saying...

Just a minute.

Doris.

Doris!

Would you mind listening to me for just

a minute?

What's the matter?

Your father wants to say something.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

Did you like the pictures?

As I was saying...

I've been in advertising for 19 years now.

A lot of people owe me favors for

one reason or another.

So, Walter, you want a career in advertising

photography?

I'm prepared to cash in all my IOUs

to get you started.

The first year, you should earn about $100

,000.

After that...

That's very nice of you.

I'm sorry.

You wouldn't like to think about it?

Actually, no, I wouldn't like to think about

it, if you don't mind.

I don't mind.

Why should I mind?

Didn't really think that you were going to

degrade yourself by going commercial.

Just a little disappointed that your attitude is

so stereotyped, that's all.

I'm not in any originality contest.

You're not in any contest at all.

The game's rotten, so you won't play, right?

Right.

Sort of.

I don't want to spend my life at

something and then be as embarrassed about it

as you seem to be.

Walter, would you mind tossing the salad?

Everything else is ready.

It means a lot to me that you

wanted to help Walter.

Walter should be grateful too.

I'm in such a contemptible line of work.

If I were a scientist or a great

humanitarian doctor or something, then he'd have to

face the fact that he's afraid to compete

with the real men.

If they really were humanitarians, they'd have trained

a lot more doctors, instead of deliberately keeping

the supply down so they could all make

a good buck.

Walter...

You married an anarchist, you know that, don't

you?

Oh, yeah, I know.

But can't we have a nice dinner anyway?

She wants a nice dinner.

Well, you're going to have a lot of

nice dinners to pay for.

You made a big mistake, pal.

Doris told you she was pregnant, you should

have run.

Run like a playboy or run like a

monk, but you should have run.

I don't accept that.

I mean, this is right.

It's the only thing I'm sure of.

And you're already a part of the system,

so you might as well face up to

it and try to make it better.

How, by cheating on my income tax?

You know, he's deducting this visit to you

as consumer research.

I was putting you on.

But you're still going to deduct it.

Daddy, you take that money for our wedding

present, you pay your taxes with it.

What wedding present?

Don't get upset, there won't be any.

Now, just everybody sit down.

We don't want any of your money.

Ignore us financially.

How can I ignore you financially?

You're part of my family.

Ah.

You know I can't ignore you.

You know I'm going to force you into

the system.

You married my daughter so you could be

forced into the system.

I will not be forced into the system

under any circumstances.

You couldn't exist without the system.

There's the water, and the gas, and the

police department, and even the phony doctors.

You're going to have to turn to them

to deliver your child like everybody else.

No, I won't, because I'm going to deliver

it right here by myself.

Of course, I told him.

Don't worry, he won't say anything.

Won't say anything?

Daddy, if you do anything to spoil this,

I'll never speak to you again, I mean

that.

You expect me to stand by and let

him do an insane thing like that?

Don't stand by, boil water.

Doris, you're out of your mind.

I'm not kidding.

Promise me you won't interfere, or I want

you to leave right now.

How can I promise anything like that?

Get his bag.

Wait a minute.

What, will you wait a minute?

I promise.

I knew you'd come through.

Now, let's all sit down and have a

nice dinner.

And then afterwards we'll show you our delivery

room, and our equipment, and our books and

everything.

We're using the Lamar's method of prepared childbirth.

Practice every night, and it's terrific.

Have some more wine.

Yeah.

Walter made all of this himself.

It's very nice.

It's very clean.

And we have a real obstetrical stethoscope.

Very honest-looking.

Daddy?

It has an honest-looking feeling.

We have a real obstetrical stethoscope.

From the pawn shop, I suppose.

We've been practicing breathing exercises every night, and

now I'm able to...

What's the matter?

Walter?

Yeah, I've just finished, hon.

You can come in.

Has your father left?

No.

I want you to help me make up

the couch for him.

He's staying here?

I thought he had a reservation.

Well, we can't send him out on the

streets like that.

Like what?

You don't have to worry about a bed

for me.

I'll go out and sleep in the gutter.

Daddy.

You just lie down here.

Walter!

Anytime you want that boiling Walter water.

Okay.

Okay, Daddy, you just lie down.

I'm going to get my shoes on.

No, no, no, no, you just go to

sleep.

We shouldn't pour a ring of kerosene around

the bed, or something, all around the bed.

No, just lie down.

Losing a hand, sewing paint seals instead of

simple shoes.

I know, I know.

No one but the rats need them.

I know.

It's a well-known truth.

Just, you just lie down.

I'm having such a good time.

I've never seen him like this.

He's probably not used to that cheap wine.

Aren't you going to practice tonight?

I'm awfully tired.

You'll be awfully tired after hours of labor,

too.

Come on.

Okay?

What was that?

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

Relax.

Contraction begins.

Contraction over.

How hard were you pressing?

No.

Ow!

I was squeezing twice as hard as that.

Your concentration is getting great.

All right, kids, come on, get a move

on now.

Does that phone work?

Oh, sure.

Hurry up.

I'll take that.

May I have the phone number of Dr.

Stanley Herman in Manhattan?

Calm down.

Talk slowly.

Stan, this is Jim Bolden, your old buddy

from Denver.

Jim, what's up?

You in town?

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, Stan, I can't go into it right

now, but are you in the same line

of work?

I mean, you didn't go into research or

anything, did you?

I've still got my obstetrical practice.

Stan, where can we meet someplace quiet?

I need your help.

That is, my daughter needs it.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I...

I went out for a walk and now

I'm trying to find Broom Street.

I'm staying with my daughter.

What number on Broom Street does your daughter

live at?

I don't know, but if I could just

get to Broom Street, I know I could

find a place because there's a drunk sleeping

in the doorway next to her.

Well, go up to the corner, make a

right, and Broom Street's about three blocks.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Doris!

Doris, wake up!

What is it?

Your father's not here.

Oh.

Well, he probably went out for a walk.

I hope he doesn't get lost.

I don't think he knows our phone number.

He doesn't even know our name.

Hello?

Hello, Wynn, this is Jim Bolton.

Oh, good morning, sir.

How are you?

I'm fine, fine.

How are you?

Very well, sir.

How's Doris?

Well, that's what I want to talk to

you about.

I'd appreciate a little legal advice from you.

Not in your capacity.

Not in your capacity with our firm, but

as a personal family friend.

I was looking to see if it was

Torpedo Red.

It isn't.

Hey, there it is, Blatto's.

He's got the cops with him.

No.

What have we done?

We haven't done anything.

That's right.

It's all right.

The police car's driving away.

Well, he's probably just putting a finger on

us.

Good morning.

Daddy, where have you been?

Well, I went for a walk and I

got lost.

The police thought I was trying to roll

drunks or something.

Not that I can blame them.

I was the only one in the entire

neighborhood and left standing up.

Uh-huh.

I have to get ready and go uptown.

You do?

What for?

You made me feel so guilty about my

income tax I thought I'd turn this into

a legitimate business trip.

I knew you two would be good for

each other.

Uh, Doris, could you press that while I

take a shower?

Oh, I've got some film hanging in there.

I can't, Daddy.

We don't have an iron.

Well, that's something I can give you for

a present.

Well, I'll ask Walter first.

As long as Walter's got this big job,

why don't you come uptown with me?

Well, he has to take pictures of me.

Of you?

Of the baby's vibrations, actually.

The baby's vibrations?

It's for a cult of vibrationists we know.

They have this marvelous place with big silver

windows and...

Wait a minute.

Let me get it straight.

You're actually going somewhere to take pictures of

vibrations coming from the baby?

And that's the big job?

You think it's easy?

Well, I think it's impossible, don't you?

Sort of, yeah.

You think there's a possibility?

Well, I think there's a possibility that I

can't feel everything there is to feel or

know everything there is to know.

Just realize what's the matter with me.

I've got the worst hangover I've ever had

in my life.

Jim, how are you, buddy?

Stan, am I glad to see you.

Jim, did they follow you?

Who?

I don't know, but on the phone, you

sounded like somebody was following you.

I can see you haven't changed a bit.

You have.

You look terrible.

Thanks.

I feel terrible.

Come on in.

Tell me all about it.

You won't believe it.

Stan, you won't believe it.

It's like a nightmare.

If I ever thought she'd marry a guy

like that...

You mean they're married?

Of course they're married.

On the phone, you were so upset, I

assumed...

I have a right to be upset.

Sit down.

Wait till you hear this.

The baby is due any day now.

They have no doctor, and this guy she

married is planning to deliver the baby himself

right there.

No kidding.

I ask you, what kind of a lunatic

would want to deliver his own baby?

Or any baby, for that matter.

In fact, it's insane.

What's the matter?

Nothing, except that my life's work is delivering

babies.

But you're a doctor.

Before I was a doctor, I was just

a kid who wanted to deliver babies.

Even today, when they give that first yell,

I get a tremendous thrill.

Let's go eat.

I'm starving.

Stan, you didn't deliver babies until you were

trained, did you?

I mean, this maniac...

Take it easy.

What do you call it, vein there?

It's pulsing like a bastard.

You have really built up an impressive medical

vocabulary.

Jim, I'm not trying to impress you.

This way.

No, Jim.

Home delivery is a very good idea at

all.

It'll be very dangerous.

I think you should definitely try to talk

them out of it.

I wish I'd thought of that.

Look, I couldn't even get started.

Doris threatened to cut me right out of

her life.

Just enough of a mother in her to

hold a grudge indefinitely.

Don't worry.

We'll take care of her.

Look at all the fancy stuff we have

these days.

And this is just my office.

I'm not getting through to you.

Doris is not going to come here.

That's with reality.

Who knows what she's going to do, huh?

She got married the day before yesterday.

That's how much she knows what she's going

to do.

Well, you're in love and nine months pregnant.

That isn't too dumb, you know.

Just happened to be passing City Hall.

Well, you always said you wanted to bring

Doris up to be a free, independent woman.

There's a difference between being free and being

crazy.

Yeah, I know.

All these kids are murder.

I bet his hair is longer than Doris's.

Hot all over the place.

He's not hooked on anything, I hope.

Well, no.

No, these political militants stay pretty clean.

How far left is he?

Well, I don't know.

What a Republican, is he?

Good to see you again, sir.

An old friend of mine.

Stan Herman.

Winston Garand.

He's in our legal department here.

Hi.

How do you do, Doctor?

Good, thank you.

Bloody Marys?

That's fine, Doctor.

Raymond, three double Marys here.

I'm afraid, sir, that as far as the

law is concerned, you're not an interested party.

Not interested.

A legal term, sir.

Meaning you can't request court action on your

own behalf because the law doesn't consider that

your rights are being infringed upon.

Raymond, an emergency cheese crowd here.

At once, Doctor.

You mean a father has no right to

protect his own daughter?

In the sense Doris is not a minor

and in full possession of her faculties, the

law assumes that she does know what she's

doing.

And that I'm an idiot.

I'm sure the law doesn't mean anything personal,

sir.

Ah, here we are, gentlemen.

Eh?

Drink up.

To fathers and young lovers wherever you are.

All right, let me get this straight.

I have...

Always been for young lovers.

Good for business.

Can't I get this guy for practicing medicine

without a license?

But that would be difficult to establish, particularly

before the fact.

And even then, childbearing's a natural condition, not

a disease, and if he performed no surgery

and administered no drugs but merely assisted his

wife in natural childbirth, then it might not

even be considered practicing medicine.

I don't know what in the hell he's

bellyaching about this system for.

It's all on his side.

Cheese?

If I may be allowed to continue, sir,

there are other ways of getting your injunction.

He's an old friend.

Why, I don't know.

No offense intended, doctor.

And of course it would come under the

heading of a professional confidence anyway.

Of course.

Cheese?

No, thank you.

The agency's handled several political campaigns and the

bills have not been paid except as in

the case of one judge by certain favors.

What can he do?

He'd take the unborn child under the protective

custody of the court and what's the matter

with you?

Oh, nothing.

Just practicing my head shaking.

I have a feeling I'm gonna need it.

I haven't decided to do this yet.

This is a last resort.

I haven't tried the first resort yet.

By the way, sir, this judge won't be

available tomorrow or Tuesday.

What's the first resort?

We go talk to the boy.

Well, actually, Stan, they made me promise not

to say anything.

Oh, did you cross your fingers or anything?

Look, I had to promise.

Get right out of there.

Where is he?

What's his name?

Walter.

Walter...

something.

Where is Walter now?

I mean, right now?

Well, they're taking some silly pictures down in

their neighborhood.

Well, let's go and find out what he's

after.

All right.

All right, but don't tell him you're a

doctor.

Quinn.

Oh, Cory.

Why don't I run you down there, sir?

It's supposed to rain.

Fine.

Where's the car?

Right out front.

That's some style.

Would you hold this?

Operator, this is KG62114, New York Registry.

Press to talk.

Oh, thank you.

Would you get me 6A32099?

Yes, thank you.

Sir, is Doris with her husband in this

place?

It's her vibes they're photographing.

Her what?

Don't ask.

Are you

ready, Walter?

Yeah, I'm ready as I'll ever be.

You're tapping your foot again.

Sorry.

Oh, come on, Walter.

I'm not doing anything.

You practically bent the needle.

I was hardly breathing.

I just had a contraction.

You gonna eat that?

Yeah.

Would you like something to drink with that,

Doctor?

Hey.

Hey.

Secret drinkers delight.

No one will ever know.

Oh, hello.

All right, that's not good.

You better put it on.

Now, Eleanor, you know you can't have any

chocolate glop in your skim milk.

I don't care what it's fortified with.

You'll get a big fat behind like I

did last time.

But I can't help being mean.

That's what my middle initial M stands for,

Stanley Meany Herman.

All right, Eleanor, I'll see you Tuesday.

Bye.

You needed eight years of medical school for

that?

Certainly.

That's what makes you mean.

But actually, sir, if you should decide to

use this judge, it'd help if the good

doctor here could verify the dangerous conditions of

the proposed self-delivery.

So if we could drop by their apartment

for a moment.

You don't have a key, do you?

Of course I do.

Doris gave me hers.

Doris?

Doris, anybody home?

I ask you to stop that.

My first time as a housebreaker and you

spoil it.

Look, this is Doris's house.

I'm staying here.

Can you imagine?

This is Doris's home.

What is he, a photographer?

Yes, and a good one, too.

Well, can't you help him get work somewhere?

No.

Well, why not?

You know everybody in town.

Well, he's too pure for my obscene profession.

Oh.

And the reason he's so damn pure is

because he hasn't done anything yet.

So why don't we go away and come

back in about five years?

I got it, Dad.

It's open.

Go ahead.

No, no, the less we contaminate this place,

the better.

You think I'm gonna let him use this,

do you?

Some of the most appalling pictures I've ever

seen in my life.

Turn to the bookmarks.

Prolapse cord.

Hemorrhaging.

Yeah, well, he's trying to prepare himself for

emergencies.

Well, that means he's gonna try to deal

with those emergencies right here.

Yeah, well, if they have a normal delivery

and they use this Lamaze method properly, they'll

probably be all right.

This is great.

What if some of these things happen?

Well, then they'll be in trouble.

Oh, Mr. Garraud.

There was a phone call for the doctor.

He used to call this number.

Thank you, Charles.

Where's their phone?

Back here.

In there.

I'd like to get some pictures of all

this.

Yeah, go ahead.

Hey, hey, will you listen to me for...

Hey, hey, Sonia is gonna be fine.

But if you don't cool it a little,

you're not gonna make it.

All right, I'll meet you at the hospital.

Okay.

Is this Walter?

Yeah.

Well, if you can get them to come

up town to dinner tonight, I'll talk to

them.

Would you please put this back on the

dresser?

Yes.

I've got to go to the hospital.

The car will run you out there, Doctor.

Thank you.

I don't have time to beat around the

bush.

You resent this boy so much, you don't

know what you're doing.

All I'm trying to do is to prevent

my daughter from dying in childbirth, that's all.

You sure you're not using that as an

excuse?

What do you mean, an excuse?

Kids, I realize that if you mess this

up for them, Doris will never forgive you.

I know, I know, you've said this before,

but you really don't believe it.

Well, you better believe it.

Pregnant young women I know about.

I've got to run now.

Leave word while you'll be having dinner.

Are Doris and Walter here?

I'm their father, her father.

Just a moment.

Who is it?

It's Doris' father.

Well, let him in.

His vibes are so hostile.

Do you want to talk to Walter and

Doris?

No, I just want to talk to them.

Well, whom do you wish to harm?

I don't wish to harm anybody.

Come in.

They're upstairs taking pictures.

Oh, please, remove your shoes and try not

to tear the insulation.

This is, uh, well, it's really a marvelous

place you have here.

It's, uh, spacious.

It's, uh, it's, uh, it's simple.

But...

original.

It's original.

They're upstairs, huh?

Wait.

Oh, please, don't go up there.

You're too discordant.

Walter put him up to this.

Uh-huh.

Well, this is really a unique place you

have here.

We ought to get a couple of pictures,

huh?

Good idea.

You don't mind?

Well, not if he takes them.

He's harmonious.

He's harmonious?

Wow, where are those bad vibes coming from?

Who's he?

Danny.

That's your father with vibes like that?

Yeah, he's my father.

Come on.

William, what are you doing here?

What's the matter with you, Walter?

How could you let your own father-in

-law drift into such discord?

All right, never mind that.

Let's go.

Look, I know a screwed-up guy when

I feel him.

Well, hey, it's not too late.

Look, I've got my own problems.

Walter, I'm telling you, this guy's about to

twine out.

Will you shut up, Walter?

Well, goodbye, everybody.

Bye, Walter, bye, bye.

Help him with his shoes.

Oh, no, you help him.

Wynne, I'd like you to meet my husband,

Walter Owen, a Winston Garand.

How do you do?

Congratulations, Walter.

Thank you.

How did you happen to run into Wynne?

Wynne, are you still in the public relations

department?

Yes, I am.

Oh, that's nice.

Here comes the car.

It's only a couple of blocks.

We'll walk.

Walter, I'd like to ride.

I thought you were in the legal department.

No, sir, I've been in PR for some

time now.

How come I've never seen your name in

the regular PR roster?

Well, I don't handle any of the regular

accounts.

What is your job?

Sir, we must get to that judge.

He's going to be hard to handle.

Well, I've got to try, Wynne.

This is definitely it, Walter.

You know, pictures of those weirdos would help

the quackery angle.

I'll take some.

You send the car back to me later,

and I'll pick you up for dinner.

That's not necessary.

Sir, I'll pick you up later.

No, I think Wynne is harmonious.

Completely amoral.

It's the moralists like Walter and me that

have all the trouble.

We become very obsessed with our own ethics

and become very selfish.

We put women and children last without really

meaning to, right, Walter?

Wrong.

If I lose my self-respect, my family

loses too.

You have to make sacrifices for your family.

Believe me, I made a lot of sacrifices

for Doris.

I know you didn't live your life the

way you wanted to because of me.

And I don't want our child to feel

as terrible about Walter's life as he does

about yours.

I don't suppose he'd mind if I took

some of these little bottles.

Oh, no, sir.

He got them for you.

Just trying to resonate myself.

Come on.

There's an old friend of mine I'm anxious

for you to meet.

So tonight I thought we'd all go uptown

to some horribly expensive restaurant.

Uh, Daddy, uh, not tonight.

I'm having the baby tonight.

Tonight?

How'd you know?

I'm in the first stage of labor now.

She's actually going to have the baby right

now?

Oh, no, it'll be ours.

Why don't you let the car go?

I have to send her to the hospital.

I'll call them on the radio.

Walter, open the door!

I've had enough of this nonsense now!

Daddy, you promised me you wouldn't spoil it.

I can't spoil this.

If he won't protect your life, I have

to anyway I can.

Don't make me choose between you and Walter.

I can't boil water out here.

What do you want me to do?

I'll be with you in a minute.

Uh, this is Jim Bolton.

Uh, is Stan Herman there?

Where can I reach him?

When you hear from him, would you tell

him that my daughter's baby is on the

way and that I'm...

that I'm going to need some cigars.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I know.

Yeah, I know.

Listen, he knows me.

My name is Jim Bolton.

That's right.

You just tell him to bring them down

here immediately.

Bring the cigars.

Wait a minute.

No, I don't have the wrong number.

I, uh, got a terrific deal on cigars,

but I got to go down and pick

them up.

Well, where are you going?

The wholesale.

They're cheap.

Would you excuse me?

Dr. Herman?

Wait at the end of the line.

It's for

Dr. Herman.

When he's finished, he'll be in to talk

to this man.

Hey.

Boy, that

was a strong one.

I think this is going to be quicker

than we thought.

Or rougher.

Hey, Doris.

You think I'm being selfish like your father

said?

Walter, I love my father.

And I still have faith in him.

But I don't want you to end up

like that.

Your self-respect is one of my most

precious possessions.

I know you'll do the right thing.

What, what?

She's coming along fine.

She's just a little slow, that's all.

Stay, stay.

Jim, what are you doing here?

You know, hey, hey, Jim Bolton, hey, hey,

Halland.

You know he's one of the truly great

jazz drummers?

Yeah, I know, I know, stay.

Doris is in labor.

You have to get right down there.

Well, I can't leave here until she delivers.

Stanley, please, Stanley.

What?

She's got some horrible complication, right?

No, no, I told you.

She's just a little slow, that's all.

Now get back down there.

Hey, Stanley, she's never slow.

She's a very fast person.

She must have some horrible complication.

Hey, listen, she does everything fast, right?

Right.

She talks fast.

Right.

She plays the piano fast.

Right.

She's never had a baby before.

Right.

Okay news, baby she has slow.

We don't pass each other on the east

side drive.

It's wonderful.

It's a clean and white.

I wish I could help.

I'll be in as soon as I spray

the drapings and take my shower.

You really got me barefoot and pregnant now.

Don't be too long.

Who is it?

It's me, Jim Bolton.

Are you alone?

Very.

How's Doris?

Fine.

Well, first things first with us PR men.

Coming down in the cab from the wholesale

cigar place, I tried to think of a

way to communicate my attitude toward the whole

rotten system.

And I think I came up with a

metaphor that might be communicative.

What I mean is that there are times

when you have to, not compromise me, not

compromise, but there are times when you have

to use jujitsu against the system.

You see, you have to fall back and

then utilizing the weight of the system against

itself, you flip the system, you see.

Why?

Why?

Well, I...

I said it was just a metaphor.

Are you gonna help us or are you

just gonna get drunk?

What do you want me to do?

Well, for one thing, keep an eye on

that water.

See that it doesn't boil away.

All right, come on over here.

I'll need sterile draping around Doris.

Now hang up these sheets, spray them every

inch of them with this disinfectant, both sides.

Can I trust you to do that?

Of course you can.

This is my daughter.

All right, but this is my wife and

my child and my house.

Remember that.

Contraction's over.

Cleansing breath.

Cleansing breath.

Relax, you got about two minutes until the

next one.

You look worried.

I'm not worried.

You're doing beautifully.

Thank God.

Good evening, sir.

I have the car.

Just a minute.

What's the matter?

They've decided not to go out.

Now, sir, Stan is coming down here.

Oh, well, I've...

been spraying things.

Sir, is Doris in labor?

I'd better go for the police.

Everything's fine.

Sir, if you get mixed up in this,

the agency will also be involved.

Say, isn't it about time you leveled with

me whose side are you on?

Well, this is one of those times when

my desire to help you and Doris and

my duty to protect the agency coincide.

Don't go.

Come on.

Keep your voice down.

Protect the agency from what?

Well, sir, if we fail to get Doris

to the hospital and there's a serious obstetrical

accident here, which would be impossible to hush

up, it would hardly attest to the kind

of sound judgment and hard-nosed effectiveness we

claim for our top executives.

Also, if you should be caught actually helping

them...

I'm just playing for time.

Stan will be here in a minute.

Has Walter agreed to let Dr. Herman take

over?

I've been working up to it slowly, laying

the philosophical groundwork, experimenting with various metaphors.

I hate to bring this up, but in

the event some statement's needed for the press,

I wonder if you've thought of a euphemistic

way to describe what might happen.

No.

Well, the copy people being off on Sunday,

I've had to take a crack at it

myself.

But so far, all I've been able to

come up with is the pregnancy resulted in

a negative nativity.

Negative nativity?

Yes, sir.

Small antisocial.

Yes, sir.

Well, I know I'm not doing this correctly.

Why doesn't Stan get here?

It should be done by a qualified physician.

This is Walter's house, you know, and he

can throw you and or Dr. Herman out

any time he chooses.

The rubber gloves are burnt.

And this stupid water boiled away.

I knew something like this was going to

happen.

I'm going to get blamed for the whole

thing.

Actually, I think, I think they're still all

right.

I know what I'm going to get them

for a wedding present, a pothole.

They're all right.

They're all right.

What is he doing here?

He just came to take us to dinner.

In the car.

Hello, Walter.

You told him, didn't you?

You told him!

Well, we may need the help of a

lawyer.

I don't want his help!

I don't want this plastic patsy in his

obscene car to have anything to do with

the birth of our child.

Get out of here.

Go on, get out.

Get out!

You cheat.

I'm coming.

I don't think he really meant me.

You'd better go.

What's the matter out there?

Nothing.

Father's trying to make the whole thing meaningless.

Walter.

He can't.

Only we can do that.

Sir, I'll wait down in the car.

Or is it across the street?

Over down the street a ways.

How far?

He wouldn't be satisfied with half a block,

would he?

I don't know.

I can't see the hairs he's splitting.

Well, he is not the only one whose

self-respect depends upon split hairs no one

else can see.

You know, Doris said that she feels terrible

because I haven't lived my life the way

I should have.

Well, I'm afraid I really wanted it just

the way it was.

And I hope I get a chance to

tell her that.

I have to switch to transition breathing.

I just felt this urge to push.

No, no, it's too soon, Doris.

Well, I made it.

Stay, Dr. Herman.

How's Doris?

I don't know.

He's got her in there.

All I can hear is breathing.

Well, that's always a good sign.

Put that there.

He'll come out and see it.

You mean you still haven't told him about

me?

Understand, I've been more or less thrown out

myself.

I know I bungled the whole thing.

I backed him into that corner there and

there's no telling what he might do.

Well, let's just wait a bit and let

nature take its course.

You don't happen to have a cigar, do

you?

No.

I've been spraying these sheets with disinfectant.

It's a good idea.

It is?

Yes, it gives you something to do.

It kills the germs, doesn't it?

I guess so.

You guess so?

Well, I'm sure it makes them very nervous.

I understand.

Come here.

Could you tell me, without going into too

much detail, what are they going to use

my boiling water for?

Washing.

Washing what?

Everything.

The cleaner everything is, so there's less chance

of infection.

That's all they use it for?

Well, you could make yourself some instant coffee

with it.

Here it comes.

Help me count.

How are things at the hospital?

Fine.

When I left, Heihei was drumming on the

nursery window.

Wait, Jim, what are you doing?

Jim, come on.

Jim.

Jim, give me that stuff.

Let's go.

Now, listen at the wall there.

What?

It's plywood.

Now, maybe you can hear that breathing or

something.

Jim, it's hard enough to hear through the

abdominal wall.

Try it.

Try it.

Sounds like she's doing the Lamar's breathing for

the transitional stage, which means she's well along.

Got a great girl there, Jim.

It's a baby girl.

It's a baby girl.

No, no, Doris.

It's one of the most painful stages of

labor.

The baby's coming.

I have to push.

No, don't push.

Blow.

Doris, don't push.

Blow.

It's a breach.

Blow.

I can't.

What's the matter?

It's a breach presentation.

You mean the baby's turned around the wrong

way?

Well, it's not wrong.

It's just awkward.

But if he tries to do this by

himself, it's going to be very rough on

Doris.

They could lose the baby.

Doris, look at me.

Blow, blow, blow.

Look at me.

Look at me, Doris.

Stan, you better think of something.

You can't go in there with that monogrammed

shirt when they'll punch you right in the

mouth.

You're a fool not to accept help now.

Maybe he isn't man enough to.

It'll be a big blow to his ego.

Maybe he hasn't got the right stuff in

him after all.

Ah, hell, everything I say sounds so phony.

It's my fault I should have done something.

All right, I'll be back in a second.

No.

Doris, I'll be back in a second.

Hang on.

This is my old friend, Stan Herman.

He's an obstetrician.

He respects what you're trying to do.

So do I.

We could use some help.

Be right with you, Walt.

Go keep her from pushing.

Jim.

This is some of the finest boiling water

I have ever seen.

Oh, come on, get in there.

Don't you want my sheets?

Congratulations, sir.

You handled it beautifully.

You really hooked Walter with that respect bit.

Arthur's going to be very, very pleased.

In fact, I'd better go down to the

car and call him.

Arthur Arlington?

He's very fond of you, sir.

And he's been following all of this very

closely.

In fact, he set up the judge thing

for you himself.

And he'll be delighted to know of your

own sound, sober judgment.

Goodbye, sir.

Please give Doris my congratulations.

You know, it's so rare when duty and

personal feelings coincide.

Good night.

He wants the sheets.

Yeah, I asked him if he would.

Just touch the corners.

Thanks, sir.

Hey, Walt!

You're doing fine, just fine.

All right, now.

One more push.

Ah, good, good.

Good, good, good.

Good girl.

Hey, it's a boy.

Grandpa.

It's a boy.

Just what we need.

Another troublemaker.