Original subtitles

- Morning, sir. - Morning, Albert.

(DRUMMING)

(SIGHS)

What's all this noise?

(COINS CHINKING)

Ah.

I wish to take a room here.

By the week.

(com JANGLES)

You er... all right, Mrs Hall?

Quite all right, thank you, Teddy.

Yes.

Have you a guest parlour?

(MRS HALL) This way, sir.

That's right, just in here, sir.

Here we are. Oh, a bit dark, isn't it, sir?

Just get some Light on it.

There we are. Bit of fresh air too. It's a Lovely evening.

There you are, sir.

- This will do very well. - Oh. Thank you.

Er... may I take your hat and coat now, sir?

No, I prefer to keep my coat on.

May I ask how long you'll be staying, sir?

I Left some boxes at Bramblehurst station. How shall I have them brought here?

I'll mention the matter to the postman, and the carrier will bring them over tomorrow.

Tomorrow? ls there no speedier delivery? A man with a trap?

It's a very steep road by the station, sir.

It so happens, last year, a coach overturned. After dark, that is.

- Very well. - The rubbish was everywhere, sir.

- Everywhere! All over the roads... - I should like my supper now, please.

- I intend to retire early. - Yes, sir.

Very good, sir.

I'm sure we can arrange that.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MAN) Hello, young Silas.

Whoa, there, jasper. Whoa, there.

Mr Hall!

(GROANS)

That's right, Sandy. Yep.

Well... bye, Sandy.

Go on, jasper.

I tell you, I'm gonna win this!

- Oh! - That's it!

(LAUGHTER)

- Good evening to you. - Hello, Leslie.

- Evening, Mr Hall. - How do, Teddy.

You've got a rum 'un stopping.

- Eh? - Rum-Looking customer.

- In there. - Eh?

My sakes, Mr Hall. If the police were looking for him he couldn't be more wrapped up.

Who is he?

I'd like to see a man's face if he was stopping in my place.

- What's his name? - He ain't given one.

He's took a room, he's not given no name?

- Women are that trusting, aren't they? - That stupid, you mean.

- How Long's he stopping? - By the week.

By the week? We can't get rid of him under a week?

Now, Listen here, Hall. You mind your own business and I'll mind mine.

Two sovereigns is two sovereigns, and he wasn't no haggler, neither.

Got his Luggage coming tomorrow. Let's hope it won't be stones in boxes.

- Eh, we'd best see about this, Jenny. - YOU'LL see about nothing.

My aunt in Hastings got swindled by a bloke with empty portmanteaus.

- What's he on about? - Put stones in 'em.

- See? You don't know everything. - Where you been, anyway?

- Oh, Sidderbridge. - Stopping a bit, by the smell of it.

(CLOCK TICKING)

Oh!

Upon my soul, sir, you gave me quite a shock.

It's the bandages, sir.

Yes, bandages.

Excuse me, sir.

But accidents do happen though, don't they? And all in a moment, too.

Oh, yes. But they takes long enough to get well, and that's a fact.

- If you leave the tray, I'll put it out later. - Yes, very good, sir. Do that.

Now, you take my sister's son Torn, sir.

He hurt his arm with a scythe.

It happened in an hayfield, sir.

And they kept him bandaged up for three months. Can you imagine?

Oh, I tell you. Gave me a fearful dread of the scythe.

(CHUCKLES)

Ah. There we are, sir.

Bit gloomy in here, isn't it? Shall we get a bit more light?

(SHOUTS) No!

Leave the lamp where it is, please.

Just as you like, sir.

I thought you might like a bit more light, that's all.

My eyes are very weak.

I am sometimes obliged to shut myself up in the dark for hours.

Strong Light is a source of excruciating pain to me.

(MRS HALL) I'm sorry.

I need this parlour for my own private use.

It's written on the door, sir. No one's gonna disturb you.

Nevertheless, I do not wish to be disturbed by anybody.

Well...

I'm sure that can be arranged.

- Good night, sir. - Night.

(SNORING)

(CLOCK CHIMES)

No, see, Look, he could be an achranist.

- Oh, no... Anichrist. - Make your mind up.

- What's that word? - Oh, anarchist. Explosives.

- Not in my parlour. He wouldn't dare. - I don't like the sound of him.

- Looked Like a disguise to me. - I suppose I'LL be dreaming of bogeys.

Heads like great big white turnips. Ugh!

(ROOM GRADUALLY FALLS SILENT)

Would you care to show me to my room, please?

Certainly, sir.

If you would follow me, please.

Poor soul's probably had an operation or an accident or something.

Them goggles! Makes him look more like a diving helmet than a human man.

Perhaps he's hurt his mouth, as well.

It's a rummy case, Teddy.

Let's hope it won't be stones in cases tomorrow.

(DOG WHINING AND YELPING)

All right, then. Push then pull it.

- Push, man, go on. - (MEN STRAINING)

Here! Steady, there. Easy.

There you go, then.

- There's a step there. - (DOG BARKING)

In the corner. And take care not to upset it. They must be kept upright.

No, no, no. In the corner! Are you deaf?

- Gently. - (RATTLING)

Great heavens!

For goodness' sake, come along with those boxes. I've been waiting for them long enough.

- Hold it, hold it. - Steady, steady!

- (SNARLING) - Ow!

Get down, you brute!

- Was you bit, sir? - Here, Teddy!

I'm rare sorry about the dog, sir.

It never broke the skin. Hurry up with those things.

Bit, Mr Hall. Sandy's dog bit him. Best go and see to him.

- Why did he go and bite him for? - How should I know?

- It ain't right to have a dog like that. - I'd shoot him, that's what I'd do.

Listen, he's got no right biting one of my guests like that.

(TEDDY) Ar. Eh, I tell you something...

You... you brute, you!

(DOG WHINES)

- What's all the commotion? - The carrier's dog's bit him.

- Who? - Well, him.

- Sir? - You won't find him in there.

- Well, where is he, then? - He's gone upstairs.

Oh! (TUTS)

- I never heard so much commotion! - Sir!

- Sir? - What is it?

- Well, was you hurt, sir? - Not a bit.

- He don't want no help. - No, George, he should have a doctor.

Go on.

Er... sir, Mrs Hall thinks...

The sooner you put my cases indoors, the better I'll be pleased.

Out of the road, Silas.

Eh, eh. Here, I'll tell you something.

- Where is he? - He's upstairs.

I was just telling Sandy, here. He's black, that chap.

- Black? - Leastways, his legs is.

- (DOG BARKING) - Black?

Here, ask him what he means.

Teddy!

- Sh! - I seen through a tear in his trousers.

There weren't no pink showing at all, just blackness.

Don't be so simple, Teddy Henfrey. Why, his nose is as pink as paint.

- Well, his legs ain't. - Here, he's piebald.

Black here, white there, in patches, like.

- Oh, is he a kind of half-breed, you mean? - Aye, that's it.

That's why they're wearing them there bandages. 'Cause the colours come off in patches.

- I have heard of such things, Jenny. - Common enough with horses.

Here, if he chose to show his self at fairs, he'd make a fortune!

- A fortune! - Sh!

Feeling better, sir?

Everything is safely off the wagon, sir.

Arh!

Ach!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(MRS HALL) Sir?

- (KNOCKING) - What is it?

Yes, yes, yes.

Sir, the doctor's come to take a look at your Leg.

What?

Here.

Here, what's all this mess, eh?

- What have you done to my table? - Put it down on the bill.

Perhaps you could tell me what you consider a proper price. just look at my table!

- A shilling. Put down a shilling. - A shilling?

A shilling? Eh?

A shilling!

And look at all this straw.

There's straw everywhere. I've never seen so much straw in all my life.

All over the floor! This is not as I expected, sir.

Surely a shilling is enough? If there's damage done, put it down on the bill.

Pardon my intrusion.

- Cuss. - What?

William Cuss.

Dr Cuss, general practitioner for lping and Sidderbridge.

The Landlord tells me that you were bitten by the carrier's hound.

- (MRS HALL) That's right, sir. - It was nothing. Nothing at all.

- (HISSES) I told you it was nothing! - Excuse me, please, sir.

My word! You have a great many bottles here, Mr...

- Mr...? - I am extremely busy, Doctor.

My dispensary can't boast half as many bottles as this. Are you researching?

I am an experimental investigator and anxious to get on with my inquiries.

I don't mind telling you, all this arouses my professional interest.

Please...

take care.

A bad fire, was it?

I beg your pardon?

The bandages.

Well, this is an ideal place to recuperate.

My reason for coming to lping was a desire for solitude.

I must ask you to Leave, Dr Cuss.

Even the unexpected entry of someone into a room could ruin an experiment.

- Yes, of course, of course. (COUGHS) - Give it here! Give it here!

Good Lord. How...?

How can you move an empty sleeve?

- Empty sleeve? - How did you keep it up?

I could see down the sleeve to the elbow.

So it's an empty sleeve, is it?

Well, that's how I saw it, yes.

Have another Look.

Well?

Well, there's nothing in it.

I don't understand.

Is it glass?

(SLAP)

(LAUGHS)

- Well, Dr Cuss? - Excuse me, Mrs Hall.

- Excuse me. - I...

Oh! It's getting worse.

(KEY TURNS IN LOCK)

I know it sounds mad, but am I mad, Padre?

- Do I look insane? - Perhaps a Little distracted.

That Egyptian mummy, when he held up his arm, the one with nothing in it...

Oh, it's too ridiculous! But something like a finger and thumb nipped the end of my nose.

- (SNORTS) - But, damn it, there was nothing there!

A most remarkable story, William.

Something tweaked your nose, you say.

You can't imagine what the fellow looks like.

But I have seen him. I must confess, he is a rather daunting spectacle.

And a disagreeable one! He calls himself an experimental investigator.

- Do you have reason to doubt him? - Well, there are bottles and chemicals.

It looks more like a laboratory than an inn's parlour.

- Is he a doctor, perhaps? - No name given. He arrived last night

and took rooms in the Coach and Horses.

I don't mind telling you, Edward, it's put me in a blue funk.

Perhaps if I were to have a word with this gentleman?

You'd fare no better, I guarantee it.

There's something unapproachable about the fellow, something dangerous.

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

(MAN) You be one of the best girls in this village.

(WOMAN GIGGLES)

- You be one of the best girls on this river-bank. - (GIGGLES)

(MOANING AND SIGHING)

- (COUGHING) - What's that?

- It's only a fox or something. - Foxes don't cough.

- Course they do! All the time! - Oh, you!

- I've heard a fox cough often. - Blew his nose, too, did he?

Oh! Right, now that does it.

Come here! Come here!

- Eh! - You won't catch me!

Ooh! You wait! That's all your fault.

I talk to you about foxes coughing... Come here.

(BUZZ OF CONVERSATION)

For the damage I have done to your furniture. If it's not sufficient, put it on the bill.

That will be most satisfactory, sir, thank you.

- Good evening. - Good evening, sir.

I am obliged to send away to London for certain scientific journals

- but can find no post office in the village. - Oh, no.

- The nearest post office is at Bramblehurst. - Yes.

But the postman, he does call here, every morning round nineish.

Perhaps you'd inform him tomorrow

that I wish to entrust him with a registered Letter.

Right. Very good, sir.

- (MRS HALL) Evening, sir. - Evening.

- George, look at this! - Sinister's right!

God, I've never seen a more sinister-looking cove.

Well, his manner may be a bit overbearing,

but if he's to give me a shilling every time he scratches my furniture, who cares?

Bills regular paid is bills regular paid.

Well, I don't like it, Janny.

I'd rather he kept his money and moved on.

- Whoo! - Mr Hall!

Just a minute, Sandy. Here, how do we know what he's up to in there?

- And suppose he's not right in the head. - Oh, George!

I'm telling you straight, he's going to be trouble, that one.

God! We'll all end up with our throats cut.

- Sandy, what's that? Do you want a...? - Please.