Original subtitles

Hey.

How fun is it that we get to share a bathroom forever?

The most fun.

It's just-- it's--it's silly,

but I-I've--I've never fully washed my face

in front of you since I moved in.

And I've been flossing in secret.

Well, I think flossing is sexy.

That's what my dentist says.

I think we're just being weird

because we're still in the honeymoon phase.

You know, I mean, soon we'll be comfy enough to pee

with the door open.

- Is that the goal? - Not based on your face.

How is it possible you're even more beautiful

without any makeup?

Because I'm still wearing quite a bit.

Phew.

No more shame in my flossing game.

Uh, this is my side.

This is my side.

How is it that we have never talked about this

in all the minutes we've been married?

Ooh, is this our first fight?

No, because we're still in our honeymoon phase...

and because I want that side.

Good, 'cause I still want this side.

Where should we go on our actual honeymoon?

Paris?

Home of the world's greatest thinkers--

Descartes, Voltaire, Simone de Beauvoir.

I've always wanted to buy a beret

and wear it the whole trip

and then come home and realize I looked like an idiot.

I hear that the spas of Budapest are really incredible.

You know, it's actually two cities--

Buda and Pesht.

The besht are in Pesht.

I love you, but never rhyme again.

I've never noticed that painting before.

It's a landscape.

God, those hills are so sensual.

Oh, God, right. God, it's Claudia's.

I'll tell her to take it.

Ooh, how about Japan?

All three options are fantastic, but I can't go now.

It's mid-semester.

My students are working

on Heidegger's philosophy of concealment.

And my eighth graders are working on concealment

of their acne and anxiety.

Well, I guess we'll have to wait till next summer.

Oh, I-I want to have our honeymoon

during our honeymoon period.

You know, we're both totally free this weekend.

I mean, I know we can't go to Paris,

but how about if we bring Paris to us?

We can have a mini-moon right here at home.

I like it, but why just Paris?

We could spend the morning there,

the afternoon in Pesht, and then grab dinner in Tokyo.

Start with baguettes?

And hit the spa and then--

both: Sushi!

Okay.

I like this.

I wish we could start our mini-moon now.

- I hear California is nice. - Ooh.

Oh, Arvid. Hi.

Apologies to startle you.

The time change from Norway has not been easy.

I am awake all of the hours from day and night.

Milky, how much coffee have you had?

Mm, about half of this...

- Oh. - Times two.

I just gave it up.

Ah.

See you later.

Okay, I'm off.

I cannot wait to go to Paris with you this weekend.

Mwah.

Adieu, mon parapluie.

That's French for "goodbye, my umbrella."

My French is limited, but, boy, if it rains, I got you.

- I love you. - Bye.

She's gone.

How are we doing with the mini-moon plans?

Did you get my texts? - Yes.

Fortunately, the nine days I have not slept

have allowed me to get this work done

and to begin hallucinate seeing my ancestors.

Are they here now?

No. These people I do not know.

But I found a bakery that overnights

baguettes from Paris. - Fantastique.

We've got the best of everything.

Jeanie found a masseuse who's actually from Budapest.

According to Yelp, she's a very sturdy woman with soft hands.

Ah, just my type.

And I've got a sushi chef coming at 8:00.

Normally, he's impossible to get,

but a guy died the day before his 70th birthday,

so he's available tomorrow.

Ah, what luck!

You're not James.

Welcome to Paris, ma chérie.

Enjoy a jaunt through the streets of the Marais.

But first, look in this box.

Whoa.

Ooh.

Ooh, la la.

A beret.

Mm... idiot.

Mon dieu! Tu es magnifique!

Now put that ensemble on and come to the boulangerie

for breakfast.

Oh.

Ah, bonjour, Jeanie.

Café?

Oh, Arvid, you came to Paris.

Typical American--

assuming I speak English.

Merci.

Through that door, enjoy the gardens

leading to the Eiffel Tower.

Welcome to Paris, mon amour.

Oh.

James.

It's beautiful.

And a street musician who doesn't play anything

and leaves quietly--

this is so much better than Paris.

You've thought of everything.

Oh, God.

I didn't think of that.

- Honey, what happened? - Lucas dumped her, again.

Uh, this is kind of a bad time.

Yeah. It's why she's crying.

Oh.

What is going on with Poppy?

She said Lucas broke up with her again.

He texted her that he needed space,

but really he just doesn't want to be tied down

before his trip to Lake Havasu.

You got all that from that?

I speak Poppy heartbreak.

Poppy, you know, you and Lucas do this all the time,

and you usually make up the next day.

Or within the hour.

I know, but...

It's been two days.

And six hours.

She said she's sorry for busting in

and ruining this janky floor picnic.

It's a great floor picnic.

All picnics are on the floor.

Damn, this caviar is hella good.

It ought to be. It's hella expensive.

Come on, Pops, we should go.

Come on.

Honey, you're--you're better off without him.

Thanks.

Can you come over for our usual post-breakup popcorn,

froyo, "Sex and the City" sesh?

But the sturdy Hungarian masseuse--

Oh.

Good idea.

I'll do half a massage and come over after.

- I love you. - Oh, I love you, too.

I'm sorry.

Gosh, y-you worked so hard to make everything perfect.

You even rented Arvid a mime costume.

Nope. He already had that.

Why didn't you just tell her we had plans?

I know. I should have, but it's hard.

I mean, Poppy has always had big emotions,

and I've always been there to talk her down.

Well, that's because you're a good mom.

Even though your son did eat all the caviar.

Oh, my hungry guy.

But, look, thank you for being so great about all of this.

Now let's just go enjoy our 30 minutes in Budapest.

Hello, James, Rebound.

- What are you doing here? - Oh, I've come for my nude.

Your nude?

Yes, the painting.

Those sensual hills are you?

Yeah. Don't believe me?

She believes you. She believes you.

Anyway, the movers are on their way

to help me haul it out of here.

Well, not now. We're busy.

Oh, doing what?

Well, we're having a little mini honeymoon at home.

We're both too busy with work to travel,

so we're recreating the spas of Budapest here.

Aw.

I think that's the most embarrassing thing

I have ever heard.

And it explains the sad little floor picnic downstairs.

All picnics are on the floor.

Anyway, don't worry.

My sensual hills and my sensual hills

will be gone soon.

Why didn't you just tell her to leave?

Setting boundaries with Claudia is impossible.

She sees every limit as a challenge.

So how do you ever get rid of her?

I let her tire herself out,

like a martini-swilling toddler.

I'm the same with Poppy.

I mean, why is it so hard to set limits

with the people we know best?

Because they also know us best.

I just had what is probably a terrible idea.

Have you ever seen "Strangers on a Train"?

That old movie where they make a deal

to murder each other's loved ones?

Yes, exactly.

I was thinking maybe we could do something like that.

Huh.

I don't know if I'm comfortable killing Claudia.

Okay.

You could talk to Claudia for me,

and I could talk to your kids for you.

Doesn't that sound a little cowardly?

Does getting to eat our sushi sound cowardly?

Sounds pretty brave to me.

Yeah, besides, maybe if they hear it

from a different person who has a different approach,

they'll hear it in a different way.

So I kill Claudia with kindness.

Yes, and I'll be direct with Poppy.

I'm a professor.

I talk to young people her age all the time.

I don't know.

Navigating Poppy's breakups

is like the black diamond of parenting.

You should probably start on the bunny slopes.

Well, let me try.

I don't want to be just some guy that married their mom.

I want to be involved in their lives.

Damn it, that's lovely.

Besides, I'm getting the easier end of this.

You have to deal with Claudia,

and she's coming in the bathroom.

Hi. Are you guys gonna take the massage, or can I pop in?

I'm actually asking out of politeness

'cause she's already done my feet.

Maybe that murder thing isn't such a bad idea.

Thank you, Zsa Zsa. That was fabulous.

Jeanie will Venmo you.

No fair.

We said we would split the massage.

You took the whole thing.

Why would you trust me?

I cheated on your husband.

Why are you doing this?

Because the movers pushed back the pickup time.

And what was I gonna do-- go through your clothes again?

A lot of Madewell.

Listen, this can't be convenient for you.

I mean, you--you have so many things to do.

Why don't you just get out of here

and come back tomorrow?

We'll work it out then, okay?

Yeah, that's so sweet of you,

but I don't want to do anything you say.

Okay, here's another idea.

You and I could move the painting ourselves.

Yeah. No, mm-mm. Thank you.

I just had a massage.

Where's Mom?

Is she parking? - No, she's--

I told her I'd come.

But I don't want to watch "Sex and the City" with you.

I don't want that, either.

Poppy, invite the man in.

Sorry, she's feral.

Have a seat, bro.

You comfortable?

Not usually.

Uh, what's up?

Well, your mom and I were talking,

and I offered to come here and--

We were trying to have a--

Poppy, are you familiar with Aristotle's views

on passive versus practical acts of love?

Why would you bring up love

when I'm clearly going to die alone?

Not the move, J.

- W-what did she say? - Nothing nice.

Oh! God, this is so heavy.

You know, I always knew Pilates was a scam.

I am as weak as that bird man who lives in your pool house.

You're doing-- you're doing great,

but we got to get over this hump right here.

- Okay, well--Okay. Okay. - Okay.

Oh, it's--it's hard.

I know, it's heavy, but you're stronger than you think.

I mean, it's hard when you're supportive,

because it makes it harder to hate you.

I mean, not impossible, of course, but harder.

Oh!

That's the movers.

Okay, I'll wait here.

So, ultimately, it's a good thing you got dumped.

As Sartre said, "Hell is other people."

O-okay, you're right, Poppy. I shouldn't have quoted Sartre.

But he's not just some French douche.

You understood me.

Well, I-I guess I speak Poppy.

Not bad, Professor.

Would you like to watch "Sex and the City"?

O-okay. That sounds nice.

Great.

What city is it?

Oh, it's New York.

Arigato.

Nice try, honey.

Bye.

I'm so glad you're enjoying my honeymoon.

Oh, it's so much better

than the one I had with James on Mallorca.

That's where I had commissioned the painting.

I think I even made out with the artist a little bit.

You cheated on James on your honeymoon?

Well, kissing isn't cheating.

It's just sort of a handshake with tongues.

Here, let me show you.

- Wha-- - Oh.

I'm just kidding.

You wouldn't know what to do with me.

What a fun hang.

Claudia...

you got to go.

This has been weird and at times flattering,

but you can't stay here.

This is my honeymoon. my honeymoon.

So just grab your purse

and grab your breasts and get out of here.

You're kicking me out?

I-I mean, I still have half a glass of sake.

Oh, God, I-I'm sorry. I didn't even notice.

Go ahead, finish. - You can top it off.

Top me off? Thanks. - She's still here?

Yes!

And she's too good for you

and surprisingly strong.

I mean, she's skinny, but some real Madonna arms.

I tried to get her to go, but she's a brick wall--

a very flirtatious brick wall.

- You tried to kiss her? - A little.

I'm guessing that you had better luck with Poppy.

I did.

- Hey, Mom. - Hey.

- Oh, thank God, I'm starving. - Hi, kids. Here.

Oh, the boundaries? No.

But I figured out what... Means.

Those hills are you?

Don't believe me?

You really got Poppy to snap out of it.

It's impressive.

Yeah, it was nice.

We even had a hug.

- Really? - Yeah.

It was a tiny bit awkward...

kind of one arm to the side.

Nobody was happy about it.

You're overthinking it.

I'm sure it didn't seem awkward to her.

It was so awkward.

Oh, good, there's video.

He looks like a robot learning how to hug.

I mean, it gave me hope. Someone married him.

Someone also divorced him.

- That's messed up. - Well, the hug was awkward.

But in my defense, I'm thinking maybe

it's a good thing that I'm bad at hugging young women.

That's supposed to be our mini-moon.

They're sitting around, laughing their heads off.

Stupid Claudia trying to kiss everybody.

Lolo's eating his body weight in sashimi.

That's my hungry guy.

I mean, Poppy's not even a little sad anymore.

It's like--it's like they're having a party in there.

Yeah.

It's kind of nice.

I know we're supposed to be setting boundaries,

but I kind of want to join them.

Me too.

Maybe if we stop thinking of it as a mini-moon

and more of a wedding reception?

They're already eating our food and drinking our booze.

Seems a waste not to enjoy it.

Should we?

Not very Miranda of me, but maybe I'm a Carrie.

all: Hey!

Hey, looks like a party in here.

- Come on in! - Thank you.

- To Mom and James. - Cheers.

To Jeanie and Professor Brennan.

Salud.

- To me and my nude. - Cheers.

all: Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

Wow.

Shocking to think you've had no formal training.

Nope! That's it. I am out.

Au revoir. Merci beaucoup. A bientôt.

You can come out now, Professor Brennan.

I have set your boundary.

- Oh. - Coast is clear.

Thank you, Milky.

We are finally alone.

both: Milky, beat it!