Original subtitles

Love. And sex.

Exotic and new.

Climb on board.

We want to have sex with you.

And love.

And sex.

There's tits askalore.

Girls will blow you.

And do so much more.

is something that's done for fun.

The love boat promises pussy for everyone.

Drop your pants for adventure.

There's booze, broads, and sex.

Romance and love might

hurt when ashore.

See that blonde girl smile.

Hiding a herpes sore It's love

Time to get laid, it's love

I need an update, Miss McCoy.

Housekeeping said all the cabins are clean.

We're ready to go, Captain.

Great. Permission granted to start boarding passengers.

I'm departing the bridge, and I'll see you in the lobby.

Hello. Welcome aboard.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, your cabin's going to be on the promenade deck, 231. Take

the second elevator on the left.

Wow, she's sexy.

I wouldn't mind giving her a full physical.

Didn't you see her disability, Doc?

What disability?

Her husband?

Hello,

crew. The ship looks great.

Captain, steal me.

We are delighted that your daughter Vicky will be joining us. It's Vicky's

spring break from college.

Please watch out for her. I don't need a sex scandal rocking the high seas.

A sex scandal?

Well, Vicky's 21 now, and she's been doing a lot of experimenting sexually

with guys.

Captain, congratulations. That's great.

That is not great, Isaac.

Sex makes me nervous.

Well, if it makes you feel any better.

I still get a little nervous before sex, too.

I wasn't talking about me, Gopher.

They need me in the engine room. I'm going down.

I bet his daughter will be going down, too.

Knock it off, Doc. I remember when I was 20, my hormones were raging.

Mine still are.

Hi,

guys.

Hey, Vicky.

I bet you're looking forward to a nice, quiet cruise, huh?

Quiet? I'm here to boogie.

There's going to be a lot of really cool guys on the ship.

Julie, thank you so much for letting me share your cabin with you.

I hope you don't mind if I bring a friend or two back.

All right, guys, I got to split. I'll see you later.

A friend?

Or two?

That girl's going to sink the ship.

Welcome, Jessa.

You're in room 128 on the Lido deck.

Do you have a companion?

No, I actually just split with my old man, so maybe there's, you know, someone

around here you can introduce me to that's fun and not looking for

commitment? I think I know just the guy.

Your elevator's right over here to your left.

Thank you.

Now that's my kind of passenger.

I think she's gonna need a little room service.

Room service?

That's not your job.

I knew medical school was a waste of time.

Welcome aboard, Mr.

and Mrs.

Mr. and Mrs.

Stone, actually. Well, not actually, because we're not actually married, but

we're going to get actually married as soon as we get to Puerto Vallarta.

Isn't that right, honey?

Oh, how romantic.

I'm too young to get married.

You know, I want to meet other guys before I settle down.

That's my wife.

Such the kidder. That's why I'm going to make her my wife.

Your cabin's right this way on the promenade, 247. Thank you.

I'll see you all soon?

Doubtful. We'll be spending most of our time naked in our cabin. I doubt that

you'll be seeing much of this ship at all.

I smell trouble in paradise.

And on that note, I think it's time for me to serve some drinks.

Some very strong drinks.

Oh, yes, Miss Carson.

Welcome aboard.

You're going to have such a wonderful time.

I hope so. I haven't been laid in two weeks.

A whole two weeks?

Here, let me help you with your bags.

Cooper, bags are already in her cabin.

Oh, well, maybe I could help you with, uh, whatever it is you may need help

with?

You're cute, Gopher.

Why don't you give me a little tour of the ship and then show me to my room?

Here you go. You're on the fiesta deck.

124.

on the Sunday.

I love being on a sexy man.

I want to suck your balls, Gopher.

What?

Well,

Miss Carson, here's your cabin.

Aren't you going to come in and help me unpack?

Let's have sex right now.

But Miss Carson, it's still light outside.

You're going to be my personal fuck toy.

Do you want to eat my pussy?

You are very attractive.

Your face, my pussy, right now.

Well, keep in mind, I can't go swimming for at least an hour after I eat.

explanation.

Thank you.

You're such a pretty pussy.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah.

Ugh!

Oh, my God.

So good.

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Oh yeah baby.

Thank you.

I love you.

I want you to make me a little comfort.

May I help you?

No, thanks. I'm fine.

Aren't you Gia Grace? I checked you in earlier.

Lido deck, but this is the Promenade deck.

Oh, well, they look all the same to me. I'm waiting for John Travolta.

The actor?

Too bad he's not on this ship.

But he is. I saw him come down this hallway into that stateroom.

I'm his biggest fan.

I think I would have known a star that big was on our ship.

That cabin belongs to Tony Manero. I knew it!

John played a character in Saturday Night Fever named Tony Manero.

He's using an alias.

That's just a coincidence.

I promise you, he's not on our ship. Now, let me show you to the elevators

and you can make your way back to the Lido deck.

Come with me.

Let's make it a double avoid.

No can do, sir. Got a strict maximum of 1.5 ounces.

Cut the corporate crap.

Make my cruise include one.

All right.

Oh, my God. It is him.

And who exactly would him be?

Him is Mr. X.

The most feared travel and leisure critic alive.

Captain, we'll just have the crew pamper him head to foot. No!

He mustn't know that we know he's on board. Otherwise, we're doomed.

Nobody knows what he looks like. But his reviews can make or break a hotel, a

restaurant, or a cruise ship.

Well, if nobody knows what he looks like, how do we know that's actually

him? Years ago, I worked as a radio operator on The Jewish American

Princess. We had a good ship until Mr. X wrote some unflattering reviews.

It led to the sudden dismissal of my mentor, Captain Thomas McCormick.

He was a good man and only a year from retirement.

What happened to this Captain McCormick? He's renting jet skis in Panama City,

Florida.

Captain Stu looked like he saw a goat.

Yeah, he rushed right by me without saying a word.

You are not going to believe what's going on.

No necking at the bar.

Oh, okay. We'll go in the pool.

No, not in public.

Hey, has anybody ever told you you look like Vinnie Barbarino?

I hear it all the time. Not you, him.

Aren't you Ron Jeremy?

Hey, Ronnie, how you doing?

You know, we get confused for each other a lot.

Isn't he cute?

Yeah, he's pretty cute.

Wait, aren't you him?

Who, Ron Jeremy?

Nah, me and Ronnie are old friends.

I mean, you know, that guy, him.

Can you keep a secret?

Yeah, yeah.

I am him.

All right, yeah, that's what's up.

Oh, my God.

Gio was right.

What are you doing on our ship?

You know, sometimes I like to sit back and relax.

I just finished the movie.

If you can keep a secret, I'd really appreciate it.

What if one of the passengers sees you? He might recognize you or something.

Well, usually I just tell him I'm Rod and Jeremy, and it works itself out.

Hopefully they fall to their knees.

Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.

All right.

Come on. Let's go to my cabin.

Ah, thank you. I think I'd rather stay here with my man, Isaac. Just hang out.

Oh, my God. I can't believe John's gonna have sex in my bed.

With the captain's daughter.

Isaac, we promised Captain Steubing we would watch after her and keep her safe.

Yeah, Julie, you better go, uh, keep an eye on her. Make sure she doesn't do

anything stupid.

Like your prick.

That's what blowjobs are for.

Mexican Martini Mixer begins at 2 p.m. in the Acapulco Lounge.

Do I look good doggie style?

Oh, oh yeah. Babies look hot. Look hot.

What a blowjob.

I told you.

It's not your dick. I want to suck.

Oh. Well, then maybe I'll save a tree and eat a beaver.

Ha ha, funny.

Seriously, watch out.

My baby's sucking.

Just a tip. Just kiss the end of it.

Dick ain't sucking its head.

Let me fuck other guys.

Just leave me alone. I told you, I want to go fuck one of the crew members.

The crew members are gross.

You can't expect me to stay loyal on a cruise.

Go and find somebody to fuck.

Okay, honey.

Have a good time.

So, hey, Julie.

You want to get naked and make love? I got a raging hard-on. And my fiancé has

just given me a whole dance.

Miss McCoy, report to the bridge.

Maybe a rain check?

I gotta go.

Okay, then.

All right, I'll keep my cock hard for you.

Doggy style, right?

Doggy style.

Anybody like doggy style?

Miss McCoy, report to the bridge.

I've been getting complaints lately that there's a crazy woman on board looking

for a big Hollywood actor.

I have everything under control, Captain.

Her name's Miss Grace.

She's very beautiful.

So it is true.

That Ron Jeremy's on our ship?

No, not Mr. Jeremy. Is Miss Grace a beautiful woman?

Oh, yes, sir. She's a perfect ten.

Does she have a nice body? Does she have nice tits?

Captain, what does that have to do with her thinking there's a famous celebrity

on board?

Nothing whatsoever.

Tell Miss Grace that I would like to see her right away.

How do I look?

How do you look? Are you serious?

You're giving me an excedrin headache number 69.

I'm going to go to my cabin and rest for a few.

Engine room.

Increase power to 70%. I'm feeling lucky.

You have to stop following me.

If we're meant to be together, we will be.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm smothering you.

Then just let me fuck other guys.

What if you fall in love?

I'm not gonna fall in love. I'm not looking for love. What exactly are you

looking for?

I'm looking for a big fat cock to put in his mouth, my pussy, and maybe my tight

little asshole.

I'm really turned on now.

Well, maybe I will find myself a pretty girl who likes disco.

Well, hello.

Would you like to be my disco date for tonight?

You're such a slut.

Well, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.

So, where were we?

You were about to get in my pants.

Hello, Captain.

Oh, sorry, dear.

I didn't mean to barge in on you.

It's okay. I mean, I was just super horny.

Besides, it is your room.

Yeah, I almost forgot.

I'm going to leave you alone and let you do your thing.

Just don't let your father find out.

Why don't you come join us?

Are you crazy?

Yeah, because who wouldn't want to have a menage a trois with this guy?

Come on, let's have a threesome.

It'll be out of sight.

Julie's not digging the scene.

I'll go down to the pool and find another chick.

All right.

No, no, no, no. Okay, I'll do it with you, but this has to stay in the cabin.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Oh wow.

Do you have any booze, Julie?

No, the crew's not supposed to consume alcohol.

Well, I fuck much better when I'm buzzed. I think I'm going to go ask

Isaac if he'll give me a bottle of Southern Comfort.

I'll be right back.

I love you.

like that oh i like it oh i do

Bye.

My pretty little pussy.

Yeah, I do.

I do. I like it.

Mm-hmm.

you do that.

I'm gonna take it. I love it.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Thank you.

Oh yes, oh yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh yeah.

Sorry baby, I gotta go.

Man, I think the captain wants to ball that check. Really? Which one? The one

that's looking for Vinnie Barbarino. Man, that bitch is a pretty

motherfucker. I bet your pussy's so good, make a dead man scream.

Come on, let's roll.

Thank you for visiting me on deck, Miss Grace.

Call me Gia.

Very well, Gia.

I understand that you're under the mistaken impression that there's a big

celebrity on board.

He's on the boat. I saw him. I would do anything to see him.

Anything?

Do you know him?

Do I know him?

Uh, yes, I know him. In fact, I had lunch with him.

Oh my god, I would die to have lunch with him.

Well, why don't we talk about this in my stateroom over, say, a 1965 bottle of

Chateau Margaux?

Captain?

I wouldn't do that if I was you. Why not?

Doc, I'm with a patient.

Oh, the full frontal exam?

Exactly.

I gotta get back to the bar.

So, what are your symptoms, Mrs. Stone?

Call me Capri.

I'm not married.

I feel all lightheaded after the champagne that I drank.

And my pussy feels all tingly. Would you take a look at it for me, please?

Are you sure this is a medical issue?

Does it make a difference, Doc?

I'm offering you my body.

How can you resist these big, beautiful tits?

Well, I am a professional.

My God, those are some nice tits.

May I?

You can touch anything you want, Doc.

I can't. I'm examining a patient right now.

Thank you. Bye.

Now put that tongue all inside that ass. Yeah, dog, just like that.

Mm-hmm.

Mm, make that pussy feel so good.

Mm.

Mm.

and call me in the morning.

Obvious.

Stick out your tongue.

Stick out your tongue.

Get up. Get up.

No.

Yeah, I have that fucking cock all up inside that pussy.

Yeah.

Oh my God, that fucking cock feels good. Yes, please, fuck.

Oh my God.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it runs me up and down off that fucking big dick.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, just... Oh, fuck.

Hey, I keep fucking you like that.

Tell me you love getting fucked. Oh, yeah.

Tell me. I love getting fucked.

I want you to cum all over me, Doc.

I want you to cum all over these fucking titties.

I want you to cum all over me. Give it to me.

I want that cum.

I want it. Give it to me.

This is Breaker.

Can you come up now?

I'll be right there.

You sure are beautiful.

Captain, when you're down here trying to get laid, who's driving the boat?

Well, my dear, that's a very good question.

Can you introduce me to Johnny?

Well, John is very particular about the type of woman he meets.

John is very shy, but he has a certain physical type he prefers.

Am I his type?

I would have to see more of you to know for sure.

Should I take off my clothes so you can see?

Only if you want to.

Did I tell you that he loves it when a woman plays with her pussy?

Oh, you mean like this?

Did I tell you that John prefers girls who give good blowjobs? Oh, I really

enjoy sucking cock, Captain.

Maybe if I suck your dick, you can tell him how good I did?

Well, only if you want to.

Look around the bulkhead.

Hmm.

Bye.

You're a cop.

She blows!

Oh, jeez.

Come

on,

Isaac. I promise to fuck you if you give me a bottle of Southern Comfort.

Girl, keep it down. Your father will kill me.

Come on. You know I won't tell him.

I told you that I have a thing for black, huh?

No, you did not.

Besides, don't you got a Vinnie Barberito back in your cabin?

Yeah, but Julie's fucking... What?

Sheesh. Seems like everybody making love on this Yabba Mee.

This is great.

I take cruises all the time.

Two or three a month.

Wow. This is my first time on a ship.

Really? Yeah.

You know, you really, really haven't lived until you've had sex out there on

the open sea.

Okay, that is the worst pick-up line I've ever heard.

But it might be working.

What about your girlfriend?

Oh, didn't you hear?

She fell overboard.

Come on, Isaac.

Give me the bottle. I promise I'll fuck you later.

Later? You're like a fool to you.

Girl, there is no time like the present.

You know, I can put a bar in like two hours or so.

So now is the time to get down.

Folks, hey there, everybody. It's your main bartender, Isaac, over here. And

unfortunately, due to maintenance, we're going to be shutting this bar down.

So why don't you head over to one of the other mini bars throughout the ship?

Enjoy yourself, and I will catch you all later.

So do you want to go to my cabin or yours?

Mine.

You and I are going to be making some love right here, right now.

Let's get down.

You better.

It's hot so much

um oh

Yeah, I like that.

I promise I won't tell anyone.

Now where's my bottle?

One bottle of Southern Carver coming right up.

Mm-hmm.

That's my teddy bear.

Oh my God.

I'm gonna shout that out.

Oh, my

God.

It's gonna take so fucking long.

Oh, look at that.

That is so fucking awesome.

I'm gonna pull my hair back so you can watch me suck your cock.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah

Here, grab my fucking cock. Keep me from fucking your mouth all the way, baby.

Just like that. Fuck off, you fucker.

Yes, baby.

Fuck,

that's fucking great.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

watching it, big fuck.

Fuck yeah Fuck

yeah

1900 hours for those staying on board disco dance lessons begin in one hour in

the ballroom it's come to my attention that mr x has

witnessed a few unmentionable acts on this ship hello captain oh god here he

comes now the name's mr x and in my 30 years as a leisure and travel

reviewer i have never ever witnessed what took place here on this ship

this weekend.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can explain.

There's no need to explain.

I will send you an advance copy of my review by telegram.

I'm getting off the ship here in Puerto Vallarta and flying right back to Los

Angeles.

Goodbye, Captain Studing.

Oh, shit. I'm screwed.

30 years of good service down the drain.

And because not one of us could keep our pants on.

Vicki, you're grounded for 10 years.

10 years? Isn't that a little harsh?

Captain.

Sorry.

We all fell into temptation.

Well, I'm just as guilty as all of you.

I'm going to my quarters and pack my things.

Maybe Mr. X won't be too hard on the captain.

Fat chance of that.

I better update my resume.

You think I'm gonna get another job as a bartender on another cruise line when

they found out I fucked the captain's daughter?

Hey, I didn't know you two fucked. Oh my god, Isaac's cock is so big.

Hey guys, have you seen the captain?

I want to thank him for introducing me to Johnny.

The captain introduced you?

While he's waiting for me in my cabin, so he must have.

Is it okay for me to have an extra 25 minutes to fuck him? God, those are some

nice tits.

Sure, take all the time you want.

And enjoy that cock.

Here's the telegram. Look what he wrote.

Never before have I witnessed a more hospitable cruise liner. The personal

attention the crew members and their esteems tap in.

gave to their passengers was second to none. They really took care of them.

Call it the personal touch that rarely exists in the corporate world of travel,

but this was the greatest cruise I have ever experienced.

Well done.

Let's go say goodbye to our passengers.

Thanks for sailing with us. Come again and again and again.

Miss Carson, I hope you enjoyed your cruise.

Oh, yes, Captain. It was marvelous.

See you tonight, Gopher.

Yes, ma'am. I'll pick you up at eight.

Gopher, you dirty dog.

Oh, where's Miss Grace?

I think I'd like to give her a kiss goodbye.

Thanks for helping me see the light.

You're a pretty good fuck doctor.

What?

I hope you come and sail with us again.

You know, with all the fucking going on on this ship, I'll be back.

You know, I really wish this cruise lasted another hour because I really

need to get fucked again.

Wait!

Exotic and new.

Climb on board.

We want to have sex with you.

And love.

And sex.

There's tits askalore.

Girls will blow you.

And do so much more.

is something that's done for fun.

The love boat promises pussy for everyone.

Drop your pants for adventure.

There's booze, broads, and sex.

Romance and love might

hurt when ashore.

That blonde girl's smile Hiding a herpy soul