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[GLASS BREAKS]

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[IN UNISON] Kevin Smith! Kevin Smith!

Uh, thanks for, uh, coming to Canada there, Mr. Smythe, eh?

I’m here as Buddy Christ.

On the way over here to get tickets, I got bitten by a dog.

I love you, Kevin Smith.

You’re-- You’re awesome, Kevin.

But we came here to see you.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing my dad, Kevin Smith.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[SCATTERED CHEERS]

MAN: We love you, man!

Oh, Canada.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

Oh, Canada.

I fucking love me some Canadians, sir.

I really, really do. I fucking love this country.

Um, I would, uh-- Don’t. No, don’t, don't.

No, believe me, I’ll be patronizing later on.

Right now...

I just wanna be confessional more than anything else.

I, uh, always felt like I was kind of born

a bit too far south.

Uh, I do dig this country quite a bit.

And I don’t fucking say that because of the recent election.

That seems to be in vogue, to be like,

"Oh, fuck the States. Canada, eh?

They let gays get married, and-- And Bush is not the president."

But, uh...

But that shit doesn’t matter to me so much because I could--

I survived four years of Bush.

I could survive another four years of Bush.

I survived Bennifer. I can--

Bush has nothing on fucking Bennifer...

I assure you.

But, uh, it is a country that I’ve always fucking loved,

and I’ve often thought about moving up here

because you guys are, like-- You’re the flat out--

You’re the girl next door, right?

And who doesn’t wanna fuck the girl next door?

Especially when she’s anal as well, so...

You are the three-input woman next door.

"That’s it, we're leaving." You know.

Um, but I can’t--

I can’t fucking make the commitment to move up here,

and there’s one-- Two words, really,

that kind of sum it all up.

and that is: Tim fucking Hortons.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, JEERING]

True story. Because I’ve been here now for--

You know, I came up a week ago.

Uh, I mean, a month ago, for one week, and then I came back.

I’ve been here for about two weeks.

And when I got here, I was like,

I’m gonna stay all fucking low-carb and shit,

and I’m gonna just eat--

Because, you know, I’m from the land--

U.S.A.: United States of Atkins. And, um...

So I’m like, "I'm gonna stay low-carb and shit,

"because I’ve got the show,

and I wanna be as trim as fucking possible."

And then they put me in a goddamn hotel

where right across the street there’s a Tim Hortons.

And I’d just look at my window and be like,

"That fucker’s open 24 hours."

[CHUCKLES]

Because I’m a fucking man of strength.

Like, I-- You know, I will never cheat on my wife,

but I will cheat on a fucking diet

like you wouldn’t believe.

So I just sit there and fight myself,

fight myself, fight myself.

And finally I was like, "Oh, fuck it.

Double Double and 30 Timbits."

And that’s why I'll be wearing the coat all night long.

Always helpful to have the fucking people in the back...

looking at you all night going, "God, he is fat from behind.

He is literally wearing a spare tire around his middle."

So the first question of the night

sets the entire evening up.

No pressure whatsoever.

SPEAKER: It’s actually two things.

Two questions? If that’s all right.

Sir, you’re playing on my sympathies?

[CHUCKLES] Well, my name’s Andre,

I’m an actor, comedian and writer.

And people always try to get me to dance too. Um...

I see. My first question is--

Well, I’m currently writing a screenplay now,

and I’ve been having major--

Major, uh, writer’s block for the longest time.

I was wondering if you ever had writer’s block,

and what you did to deal with it?

Have I ever had writer’s block? Yeah, a little bit.

I just basically don’t have writer’s block,

I get writer’s laze.

Where I just don’t-- "Why should I write?" You know?

Pretty much.

Let’s see how many Law & Ordersare on today.

[SPEAKER, AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I do, basically, because I would rather sit there

and watch Hang ’Em HighMcCoy

throw, you know, another scumbag murderer in jail

than-- Than create shit.

I wanna be entertained sometimes,

where it’s just like,

"Yeah, good, burn him. Fucking burn him!

Send him to the goddamn chair. Murder one, eh?" You know.

And then my wife’s like, "The mortgage is due."

I’m like, "Oh, shit." Uh...

"Jay and Bob say something remotely witty." You know.

Cha-ching. Back to Law & Order.

So, uh...

So I will-- I’ll just kind of veg out

and sit in front of the TV for a while.

And it’s not so much writer’s block, where I'm like,

"I have nothing. Nothing."

It’s just this kind of place where I’m like,

"I don’t wanna do nothing. Nothing."

And I’ve only really had it maybe once.

I was working on the Six Million Dollar Manscreenplay,

fucking eons ago,

like in 1995, and there was this--

We were working at Universal

on Mallrats,kind of.

And-- [AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP]

Don’t. And, um--

And basically, somebody--

One of the producers, Jim Jackson,

was just like, "Hey, Six Million Dollar Manis up for grabs.

They wanna do a feature version. Did you ever watch it?"

And I was like, "I did watch that show."

And he was like, "You wanna write it?"

And I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me?

Not really, but...

But it would be awesome to get the job," you know.

Like, that’s basically what it is for me.

It’s not doing the work, it’s just having somebody go:

"You, sir, are good enough."

And then I’m like, "Oh, phenomenal, thank you."

And then I fucking fight it the whole way home.

Green Hornet,perfect example. Nice to have somebody say:

"You, sir, are good enough to make a comic book movie."

And I was like, "Tremendous." And I sign the contract.

And I was like, "Wait. What? Do it?"

Um, so that kind of-- That kind of happened

with The Six Million Dollar Man.

And there were just days where I was like:

"I don’t know what the fuck Steve Austin does."

You know, what does he do? He’s fucking-- He wakes up,

and he watches Law & Order.

Because I don’t live the Steve Austin life.

I’m used to writing where I just kind of take pages

out of my own daily life and shit.

But I am not bionic by any stretch of the imagination.

Not even remotely athletic, you know?

So I would be totally blocked writing that,

and it really started to show.

Like, I’d hand Mosier over some pages to read--

Scott Mosier, my producer.

- -and I was like, "What do you think?"

And he was just like: "Well, in this scene here,

"the big action sequence,

you have Steve Austin hiding behind a rock."

And I was just like, "Dude’s gotta hide sometimes."

I mean, it’s not always:

[IMITATING BIONIC SOUND EFFECT]

You know, sometimes...

Sometimes he’s gotta be on the down-low and shit.

And-- And Mosier’s like, "And he’s fighting 20 ninjas?"

I was like, "Not good?

Bionic ninjas?"

So that one, it took me a long time

to fucking write the script for.

And I pitched it to one team of execs,

who were then replaced by another team of execs.

And then, by the time I turned in my script, they--

That second team of execs had been replaced

by another team of execs. So I turned in my script

to people going, "Are you kidding?

"This is your idea for a Six Million Dollar Manmovie?

"Motherfucker loses a leg and an arm,

"you give him robotics,

and he hides behind a fucking rock?"

And I was like,

"Well, the first people really liked that idea."

So, you know, it fucking never got made.

That was the last time I really got blocked.

And ever since then, it’s just kind of laze.

Because TV is my kryptonite.

Where it’s like, if it goes on,

suddenly I’m like, "I don’t wanna create.

I just wanna be entertained and shit like that."

And having a kid, you watch a lot more TV

than you normally watched-- Excuse me.

- -before, because back in the day, it was just, like,

Degrassifucking reruns on tape and shit like that.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

Don’t, I'm not-- I’m not pandering. That's true.

And, um-- And watch the fucking Simpsons,

and then-- And porn. So, um...

So, uh... But later in life, with a kid--

The kid has all sorts of programs she likes to watch,

and then you’re kind of forced to watch them as well.

And sometimes they’re fucking insanely bad

and really tough to sit through.

There’s this one fucking program she was watching the other day.

And, uh, she was going to school--

She watches TV before she goes school.

- -and I was-- You know, I went down there to say goodbye.

I was, "Well, how you rolling? What’s this?"

And she’s like, "This is, uh, Rainbow Fish."

And I said, uh, "What’s it about?"

And she kind of looked at me like:

"Are you fucking retarded? Like...

The title pretty much says it all." And...

[CHUCKLES]

And I peeped it out. And she was right, you know.

It really is literally about a bunch of multi-colored fish.

And they go to school

because, you know, fish travel in schools and shit.

And that was the height of their fucking imagination.

Just, "Let’s put the rainbow-colored fish

in school and fucking nobody’s watching. Do it."

I was like, "Can’t we watch something else?

Let’s pop in some fucking Sponge Bob."

She’s like, "No, Rainbow Fish! Rainbow Fish!"

Because she was heading to school,

so she wanted to see what they did,

and then she’d take it to school with her

and pretend to be a blue carp or something like that.

I don’t know. I don't know what goes through her head.

But then there’s some shit she watches

where I’ll get roped in.

Like, at first, I’m like, "Ugh, this is fucking dog shit."

But then you’re like, "This is actually pretty good."

And the fucking show that she really turned me on to

was this show called Dora the Explorer.

Which is an amazing fucking show if you’re really stoned.

Because it’s all about this little Mexican girl...

who hangs out with a monkey...

who wears boots.

Who is named, ironically enough, Boots.

And she got a backpack on,

because presumably she’s fucking trafficking hashish

across the border.

And they bomb around looking for very simple things,

in order to get to a goal.

They gotta find three things and fucking get somewhere.

And the only impediment through the whole process

is a little-- A little-- What is he?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Fox! He’s a little fox.

You know what I’m talking about.

MAN: Swiper. A little fox named Swiper, thank you.

[MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

Exactly. The kid’s name is Swiper.

He’s a little fox.

And you know he’s the bad guy because he wears a mask.

So Swiper periodically will bomb in on the kids

and try to fuck with their day.

And, um...

And basically it’s one of these interactive shows

where you gotta yell at the screen and shit.

Dora’s ever asking for your help because she’s

so fucking hapless she can’t do shit by herself.

So you sit there, watching, and periodically

she’ll be like,

"Boots, we need to find the red berries," you know.

And Boots is like, "I agree, I agree."

But, you know, whatever.

And then they’ll say, "Can you see the red berries?"

And then me and kid sit there

and, you know, we see the red berries.

And we’re like, "Yeah.

"Bitch, don’t you? They’re behind you.

Turn around."

That’s my take. My kid is just like:

"They’re behind you, Dora!"

I just look at her like, "Jesus Christ, kid.

"Don’t buy into this.

They are patronizing you."

"Can you see the berries?"

And then you’re like, "Right behind you."

And then she goes, "What? They’re where?"

And you’re like, "Right behind you!"

And she’s like, "They’re right behind us?"

And you’re like, "Yeah!"

Which, as an adult, straight, you’re just like:

Ugh. But if you’re stoned...

which I have been...

upon viewings... you’re there.

You are in the fucking show.

You’re having a discourse with Dora.

Dora’s just like, "Help me out, Kev."

I’m like, "Right on. Where are the berries?

[CHUCKLES]

"You’re hungry too, aren’t you, Dora?

"Oh, I could go for some berries.

"With mayonnaise.

For some reason."

But periodically, fucking Swiper will bomb in and shit,

and just try to fuck with your day.

And he’s going for the berries as well.

So it’s this race against time

between you, Dora and Boots, and Swiper.

And, uh, she’ll say, like:

"I think Swiper may be around. Do you see him?"

And he pops up. And in the audience, you’re like:

"Oh, Jesus, he’s there! He’s there! He's behind you!"

And, you know, "Is he--? Is he--? Is he to the right?"

"No, he’s behind you!"

And "Is he--?" "Yes, he’s behind you!"

And how they stop him is rather ingenious.

Because, me, it would just be like:

[IMITATES GUNSHOT]

Or a fox trap, you know, or...

Kill him and wear him. And, uh...

Or at that point, I’m so stoned, eat the fucking fox.

Mask and all. Um...

But how they stop him is rather ingenious.

And it’s a bizarre lesson to teach to kids,

because it really doesn’t pan out in the real world.

They just turn around, and they go:

"Swiper, no swipin’. Swiper, no swipin’.

Swiper, no swipin’."

They say it to him three fucking times.

And that stops him.

But of course, you’re helping out,

because it’s audience participation.

So, you know, she’s like, "We gotta stop him.

Tell him, ’Swiper, no swipin'.’"

So it becomes, "Swiper, no swipin’.

Swiper, no swipin’. Swiper, noswipin’."

And then the fucking fox goes:

"Oh, man."

That is literally a line of dialogue.

You tell Swiper to fucking stop, and Swiper goes, "Oh, man."

And he fucking bombs away. And that’s it.

You’re on the berries and on to the next fucking goal.

And it was just like--

It doesn’t work in the real world.

I gotta pull the kid aside and be like:

"Look, this all fun when we’re high...

[CHUCKLES]

"...but telling somebody to don’t do something three times,

it ain’t gonna fucking change shit."

It would be nice if you could. If you could be like:

"Uh, Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country.

"Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country.

Uh, Bushy, no bombing of an innocent country." But...

There goes my political material for the whole night.

But it doesn’t work like that shit.

So, periodically, I have to set her straight.

But I’m usually so stoned that I explain it to her,

and she looks at me like: "The cartoon makes more sense."

And she’s like, "Daddy, no eating.

Daddy, no eating. Daddy, no eating."

Oh, man.

So I get caught up in shit like that,

and then I get to this place where I don’t wanna write.

And so I just kind of chill out and shit like that.

[CHUCKLES]

But I am kind of-- I’m a deadline whore.

So, like, if the deadline comes up--

Green Hornet,I had like-- What did I have?

I had 50 pages.

And then I had another 50. So I had 100 pages.

And in four days I wrote 64 pages

and brought the motherfucker home.

Like, that’s how I write.

"Oh, shit, the fucking calendar’s

creeping up behind me." I’m like, "Shit happens,

"and people hide behind rocks, and--

Fuck it. He beats the bad guy. The end." Hm. And you know--

Mysteriously, people are like: "Wow, this is pretty good.

You put a lot of work in this." I’m like, "I absolutely did."

Like, "Why does he say to the bad guy:

’Swiper, no swipin'?"

Just take that out. Sorry.

What was your other question, sir?

My other question--

My other question was kind of related to it. Um...

I’ve only got like 40 pages in the last year and a half.

And I haven’t shown-- Too much Dora the Explorer

for you, as well. That’s my problem.

I-- Well, I haven’t shown what I’ve written to anyone,

and I know you probably get this a lot,

but I was wondering, if you’re still in Toronto,

I’d really like to get your opinion.

[AUDIENCE BOOING] I remember--

I remember--

You motherfuckers turn on each other quick.

♪ Our home and native-- ♪

Till he says the thing we don’t like, eh?

I remember, uh, in An Evening With Kevin Smith,

there was that one-- When you were talking

about how your brother couldn’t relate

to movies featuring homosexuals.

Yes, because he’s gay. Because he’s gay, yeah.

Are you gay? Is that what you’re telling me?

No, I’m not gay, but-- This your roundabout way--?

I don’t know if you’ve noticed this,

but I am a physically disabled midget, and, um--

No? Yeah. I’m serious.

Oh. I--

Sir, let me tell you something right now.

You’re passing, because I had no idea.

[CHUCKLES]

You know what? I just found out two years ago myself.

It’s unbelievable.

[CHUCKLING] I, um...

So there’s-- There’s not a lot of movies

featuring people like that in a positive way.

Right. There’s a few, but whatever.

And-- Unless you’re a member

of the fucking Lollipop Guild, then--

Then there’s movies.

But other than that, you’re right.

You’re absolutely right. Station Agent. Station Agent.

Station Agentwas good. Yeah.

Willowwas pretty good,

but still, it’s like a fantasy-type--

Willowis fantasy, isn’t it?

It’s fantasy, like, only midgets

can play fantasy-like characters.

MAN: Mexican wrestling.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don’t you--? You gotta hate the fucking

non-height-challenged, don’t you?

There you go.

Because once in a while they’ll just hit you

with the fucking Ewoks.

They’re like, "Oh, shut up. You got the Ewoks."

And you’re like:

Yeah. So if you’re-- If you’re in town, uh,

whatever, for the next few days-- whatever, still

- -I have a business card, I’d like to give it you.

You can give me a call. That’d be great.

I know you’re probably thinking, "No fucking way."

But...

whatever.

It’s worth trying.

It was worth a shot. But, no, I would never

in a million fucking years do that.

Yeah, I understand.

But not because of the height.

Just understand, because-- I like you,

you’re the right height. But the, um...

Remember the whole Dorathing? Yeah.

That’s me basically saying I hate to work myself,

so the idea of working on somebody else’s bullshit--

I don’t want you to work, I just wanna get your opinion.

But it’s totally worth a shot to ask. Yeah.

But where are you, 40 pages in? About 40, yeah.

Finish it, sir.

Finish. Sorry?

Just finish it. Oh, yeah.

Finish it and shoot it.

Because basically, I know a story about a motherfucker,

fat, and he lived in Jersey,

and he wrote a movie about people

bombing around a convenience store.

And-- And it led to him being on-stage,

being like, "Fuck you," you know.

So...

So I’m telling you, finish it,

make your picture,

and then stand up here and tell somebody--

Tell some tall fucker, "No!"

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

In Jersey Girl-- Yes, sir.

- -how did you convincingly get Ben Affleck to cry?

How’d I convin--? I mean, that was believable.

That was very fucking easy. Yeah--

I brought a astrologer on set,

laid out the cards for the next two years.

[LAUGHS]

No, Affleck doesn’t need any help, sir.

Affleck is a brilliant, brilliant actor.

He’s getting the shit beat out of him right now.

I am not one of those people that fucking:

"Oh, lets jump on the ’Fuck Ben Affleck’ bandwagon."

I still believe in Ben. I would cast Ben as anything.

I’ve said it a million times.

I would cast him as the fucking shark in Jawsif we remade it.

And the robot in--

I believe in fucking Ben Affleck.

So Affleck, he can cry on command, sir.

It’s easy. He's very bitch-like in nature, so...

So very, very easy for him to cry on command, and great.

It’s a real weird process to watch an actor be like:

"Give me a few minutes."

And they go someplace really fucking dark,

and come out and fucking throw it down and shit like that.

You’re like, "Cut," and they’re just like,

"Were any chicks watching?"

Because they know, if chicks watching,

they got it fucking made, right?

Because like, "He’s so sensitive," you know.

And he gets them back to the trailer, he’s like,

[TEARFULLY] "I am very sensitive... Now, roll over."

[CHUCKLES]

But Affleck, crying on cue is fucking--

It’s a walk in the park for that dude.

He’s really quite good at it.

He cries in almost every movie, doesn’t he,

if you watch him. Go back. There’s always a point

where he’s got that glazed fucking look on his face,

and he starts squirting a few.

That’s what he does. He cries very well.

And does everything very well. So that was--

It was-- It was a cakewalk to get him to do it.

I love making him cry in movies too.

I love getting him to an emotional place,

because that’s my favorite version of Affleck in movies.

My favorite version in real life is the one who makes me laugh,

because he’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever known.

My favorite version of Ben Affleck in movies,

is the guy who fucking cries.

I’ll hand him a script, and invariably I get the call,

and he’s just like, "Come on, dude.

Michael Bay don’t make me cry."

I was like, "That’s funny.

He makes me cry." Um...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS]

"As does your work in his picture, sir."

But, uh, I really-- I like seeing it,

because I think he emotes very well.

So yeah, that’s easy, to get him to cry.

Thank you very much. Thank you, sir.

Some other guy dropped this off and was hoping--

Some fan art, I guess.

Right on. You hold on to it.

Just in case.

Once we get past the one-hour mark, where it would go boom,

if it doesn’t explode, bring it back.

Sir, you came in costume tonight.

Oh, sweet Jesus, there go your chances

of getting laid tonight.

I kind of came in costume too.

[SPORADIC WHOOPS]

Rock it, sir.

Last time you were here you gave us your-- Yes.

Basically, your personal review on some movies that you’ve seen.

Yes. And you ripped them apart

in only a way that you can do. Yes.

I was wondering if you could give us an updated version

on the crap you’ve seen lately. For example?

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Wha--? Let the savior fucking speak!

How often do you get a chance to talk to Jesus?

Sir?

Any movie you want.

I mean, it’s up to you, Lord.

Well, listen to my people. I’m sorry?

Listen to my people. Come on, come on, come on.

Any movie.

Ugh.

This is why they nailed you to the fucking cross!

[CHUCKLES]

The Jews were like,

"He’s so fucking indecisive. Hang him up."

Because if Mel Gibson taught us anything,

it’s that the Jews killed Christ.

But not before they beat the shit out of him first.

"Fucking savior. Just--"

Um, recent movie?

WOMAN: Gigli! MAN 2: Team America!

Team America.

Gigli,I honestly--

Gigliis a movie that I really didn’t find

as atrocious as most people.

But I was partial because I like the guy in the movie.

Like, I’ll watch that dude in anything.

You know, I was even-- You know, he was the bomb in Phantoms.

Phantomsis a terrible picture. But I liked it because of him.

I kind of like watching him do shit.

I watched Surviving Christmas

and thought he was very funny in it.

So same thing with Gigli. Because I watched it, I’m like:

"That’s my friend, and he’s kind of funny.

Even in movies that aren’t that great."

But, um, the one thing--

My only issue with Gigliwas, like, dude,

you’re really gonna play--? Ring this fucking bell twice?

Where you’re like,

"I can turn a lesbian," you know.

We did it once, and we kind of got away with it.

But he was like, "No, I’m gonna do it again.

This time it’s J. Lo," you know.

That, to me, was the only mistake of Gigli.

Double dipping and shit like that.

But, uh, so, no, I didn’t have a problem

with that movie very much.

MAN 3: Paycheck.

Paycheck.You know--

The title of the movie is very appropriate.

Because that’s flat out what he was earning. Um...

[AUDIENCE SHOUTS]

Team America I fucking enjoyed.

You know, puppets fucking. Nothing wrong with that.

MAN 4: The Incredibles.

The Incrediblesis fantastic.

I loved The Incredibles.

We should probably move on from--

MAN 5: I, Robot.

I, RobotI saw, and I fucking totally dug.

Except they kind of--

It was like, uh, getting a really fantastic blowjob

where at the very end she’s like:

That’s why they don't let me

review movies in papers, because...

Everyone’s got the whole "thumbs up, thumbs down,"

two, three, four stars.

I’m like, "No, it’s like getting a blowjob

"where the chick pulls it out

"and jerks you off to a conclusion

all over your belly," you know.

Where you’re like,

"Oh, this is phenomenal. This is awesome.

Oh, no, wait. Out? No. All right, well..."

[MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY] Loved it.

Mean GirlsI didn’t see, because fuck Lindsay Lohan.

Don’t know anything about her.

Just don’t like the look of her, you know.

Looks a little trashy.

I like my shit to be less trashy than that.

I’m not-- I'm also not a Duff woman either.

So fuck her too.

My ideal movie would be, like,

fucking throw those two chicks in the pit...

give them a couple broken bottles...

go.

I don’t think we're gonna see that one.

Are we really gonna do this all night?

Fucking... MAN 7: Burt Reynolds.

yelling out random--? Let’s move--

Jesus, can we move on?

Right on. Well done.

Sir, really, that is a commitment

for the whole evening.

Just sit there as God and...

You live with the parents, or what?

You do live with the parents?

You know, you’re walking out,

and your dad’s like, "That’s why."

[BURPS]

Excuse me. Yes?

All right, first of all, I’d like to say I'm an animator,

and I love your movies. But...

And the next thing I want to know is

what happened to Clerks II, the cartoon?

You said it was gonna be a cartoon movie?

Yes.

What’s going on with that? I’m sorry.

It’s such a decent question, I was flabbergasted. Um...

[LAUGHS]

Um, Clerks II,we were calling it Clerks Sell Out.

And the plot of the movie was essentially,

uh, Dante and Randal are like:

"Hey, lets make a movie set here in the Quick Stop."

Because I really, really ran out of ideas. And, uh...

And so basically we were thinking

of doing it theatrically,

because Harvey Weinstein,

the chairman of Miramax, was like:

"Fucking The Tigger Movie.

"Disney put out The Tigger Movie.

"Cost 8 million bucks to make,

movie made 40 million bucks."

We were like, "Right on." And he was just like:

"We could do the same thing with Clerks."

And I was like, "You want us

to put fucking Tigger in Clerksand...?"

He’s like, "No, we make a cartoon real cheap,

"and we throw it out there.

We just go to the bank, laughing all the way."

I’m like, "First off, nobody watched the show, dude.

"That’s why they cancelled it, remember?

"Second off, like, you know, you got a kid,

"you’re gonna take him to see The Tigger Movie.

"You’re not gonna take him to see:

’Noinch, noinch, noinch, smoking weed,’" you know, so...

I mean, because he’s kind of Tigger-like,

but, you know...

But it ain’t the fucking-- I don’t--

I just don’t think any parent's lining up to see that movie.

So, um... So basically, we went back to him and said:

"Wouldn’t it make more sense if we did it

as a straight-to-video movie?"

The people who really want to see it would see it.

Because the Clerkscartoon,

when we put them out on DVD as a collection, sold well.

So we said, "Can we do that

instead of trying to go theatrical?"

And he was like, "Whatever,"

because he’d forgotten about it by that point.

This was two years later.

He’s like, "What are you talking about?"

I was like, "The Clerkscartoon movie, Clerks Sell Out."

And he was like, "Oh, right. Yeah, well, whatever."

So we eventually have to get to it,

but the last we talked about it,

we were gonna do that as a straight-to-video movie.

Try to cross it over with Winnie the Pooh,and, uh,...

and see what happens there.

But straight to video, Clerks Sell Out.

Because, believe me,

I will ride the Clerksthing right into the grave.

You know, they work at a store, and they’re pissed.

Cool, that’s it. Right on. Well done, sir.

So my question is,

you’ve pretty much had the life of a fanboy thus far.

I mean, you’ve-- You've got to make an entire universe

based on your characters,

you’ve run a com-- You’ve owned a comic shop,

you’ve worked on a comic,

you got married at Skywalker Ranch.

I mean, you’ve done everything

that I would think any...

geek would love to do.

My question is, what’s next?

For one second, as you went through the list,

I thought you were gonna be like, "And now, tonight..."

For the world to see.

[LAUGHS]

I thought you were building up to the Howlingmoment,

where you’re like, "Tonight I’m gonna show you something..."

[SCREAMS]

Nothing like that, no.

What’s next? I don’t know, sir.

What’s next? I always often think about what-- What it is--

Why do I do what I do, and why I got into the business.

And chiefly, it was because I wanted

to throw something on the screen

that, you know, I recognize.

Something that I could identify with.

And that was Clerks, and everything

I’ve ever fucking done since then.

So I’ve accomplished that.

Then it was always like, "Wouldn’t it be cool to do this?

Wouldn’t it be cool to write comic books?"

And then I fucking did that and shit.

I think I’ve reached the final frontier,

you know.

Totally fucked Jason Mewes.

MAN 1: Where’s Mewes? Where is Mewes?

MAN 2: Call him up. MAN 3: Call him.

[CHUCKLES]

Just call Mewes up? Does anybody have a phone?

MAN 4: Yeah.

You know, sir, I don’t need your phone.

Whenever I call Mewes, I just do this:

Mewes!

Mewes!

Doesn’t work always.

Mewes!

[CROWD CHEERS WILDLY]

[CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY]

Hello...ladies and sirs.

Sir, don’t leave me up here by myself. I’m scared.

I don’t talk much. He does.

Dude, you’ve answered like two questions.

That’s it. He goes on and on and on, right?

No? All right, no one’s answering.

You want--? All you.

You wanna ask--? You wanna do two questions?

No, I don’t want. I said, you’ve only had two questions,

but you’ve been here for an hour.

Dude, back off, it was three.

Three questions. Because I was saying, one question,

you just keep going on... I go on.

...talking about Dora the Exploreror something.

I’ve been listening on the--

That’s how I fuck, sir.

They ask for a little, I go overboard.

[KEVIN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

You wanna hang out on the couch? I wanna sit on the couch.

Right on. Drink this free water.

First off, I would like to thank you for making Clerks.

It’s nice to see a non-Asian dude

that knows the pain of, uh, being behind the counter.

That’s true, that movie is kind of really fictional,

because...

there’s two white guys fucking behind the counter.

Every convenience store I’ve ever been in is the:

[INDIAN ACCENT] "Thank you, come again."

Okay. Um, my first question is-- I have just two quick questions.

Um, one is, on the first DVD, you pretty much trashed

a lot of the big Hollywood guys,

with your Supermanstory, Tim Burton,

and, as well as, um, Prince.

Have you ever got any, um... backlash from that,

since releasing that DVD?

I’ve-- I've never gotten backlash--

Never gotten backlash from it.

But I’ve heard, like, P.S.’s to everything.

Like, Jon Peters apparently is very flattered by the story.

Proving once again that the man

is just almost insane, clinically.

Um, who else was there?

Um... MAN: Tim Burton.

Tim Burton. Um...

Tim Burton, no. Since that story,

I don’t think I ever heard of anything.

I mean, I told the story

about the Planet of the Apesthing? Yeah.

Where his claws came out. Um...

So, no, never heard anything after that.

Tim Burton’s just like, "This dude’s small fucking potatoes."

Prince I did hear a P.S. from.

Because the DVD came out,

and, uh, his, uh, producer at the time--

The one who told me about Prince World--

Her name’s Stephanie.

Stephanie called me up and was just like:

"Oh, my God, you named me."

She’s like, "It wasn't bad enough that you just said

"he’s got this producer he works with,

you fucking gave me a name. And it was my name."

And I was like, "Was that bad?"

Um, but thankfully, she had left his employ at that point.

But she told me that, uh, people at Paisley Park

would pass that around

like an underground movie and shit.

And be like, "You gotta watch this. He nails him.

He even talks about Prince World." You know.

They didn’t want to talk out loud,

because all the rooms are bugged. Um...

Because he can record in every room.

Um...

So, uh, she said after he--

It finally got to him-- somebody showed it to him

- -and he was just like, "Find his nondisclosure agreement."

Because, essentially,

when you come in to shoot or do something,

they make you sign this agreement that says:

"What happens in Prince World stays in Prince World."

You don’t go out there and fucking talk about, like:

"Go get me a camel at 3 in the morning." Just--

You don’t talk about that shit.

The funny part is, the day that they handed it to me,

I was like, "Oh, right on. Let me just set up this shot."

And I never saw it again.

And it was never intentional.

Like, "Oh, I’m gonna talk about this shit."

It was just one of those things I never fucking did

and never thought about it, until Stephanie told me

they tore apart Paisley Park

looking for that nondisclosure agreement.

And it’s not there. And I was just like,

"Oh, that would be because I probably never signed one."

And she was like, "He was fucking mad."

Um, and then, I guess, uh, he was on the cover

of Entertainment Weekly

a few months back, when he was doing the tour and shit,

the tour-- The brilliant tour, where he overso--

You know, sold tickets that were more expensive

and included a DV-- A CD,

his latest CD, Musicology.

And then all those tickets sold for the concerts counted

as units sold for his Billboardranking,

so it made it seem like--

You go to a Prince concert, "I wanna see Prince.

"I don’t wanna listen to Musicology,

"because it fucking blows.

But I wanna go see Prince." You love Purple Rain.

There they were like, "Here’s your CD."

And you’re like, "Right on, free CD."

But it wasn’t free,

because they built it into the price.

And every CD they gave out counted toward Billboard.

So for a while, Prince was rocking the fucking Top 10

in the Billboard and shit.

But not really. But, um...

But it was enough to get him on the cover

of Entertainment Weekly.

That, plus the fact that, you know,

he’s fucking Prince and...

Okay. My second que--

That gets him on there. Not done. Um... Okay.

And in his fucking interview,

at one point, he went out of his way

to fucking talk about me, to bring me up.

And I only know because the guy that wrote the piece

is a dude who’s interviewed me a few other times,

and he just dropped me an e-mail.

He’s going, "Prince talked about you in his interview."

And I was like, "Oh, get out of here.

Did he talk about the Evening With?"

And he goes, "Kind of. He didn’t reference it specifically,

but he talked about seeing Jersey Girl."

And I was like, "Oh, right on. Did he love it?"

Because I thought maybe he watched it, and he was like:

"You know what, Kev’s an all right guy."

Not the case. Um...

Because he said in the article-- He was like:

"I saw Jersey Girl." And he trashed it. And he said:

"That’s what happens when the potty mouth

don’t work for you no mo'."

So the guy who was writing the piece

told me that, and he’s like:

"Do you have a comment?" And I was just like, "Okay."

Um, so I was like, "Well, you know,

it’s okay that he hated Jersey Girl,

because I fucking hated Crystal Ball."

Which was an album that he did a long time ago.

And he was like, "Oh, that’s perfect. That’s going in."

It went in the article. And it wasn’t till a few days later,

where I was like, "Ugh. I should have just said:

’This coming from the director of Under the Cherry Moon.’"

Which would have been a little more obscure.

But still, he-- He also directed a movie.

So it would have been like one director

tagging another and shit.

Kind of like playing a game of the dozens.

But, uh, it didn’t really pan out like that.

And I guess he read the article, or saw it,

but I never heard from him again.

Still haven’t heard from him about that.

Uh, people were always kind of mystified about what happened

to all the footage and shit,

because Stephanie had called me at one point and said:

"Hey, do you wanna edit this stuff together?"

And I was like, uh, "No. I mean, not really.

"I mean, if you bring it to Jersey,

I’ll totally edit it together."

I said, "Didn’t you guys try editing already?"

She’s like, "We've gone through a few editors."

And I said, "Why? Is he that difficult to work with?"

She’s like, "Well, no, it’s just that

"what he wants to do with the footage

a lot of people don’t agree with ideologically."

And I was like, "What does he want to do

"with the fucking footage?

Insert it into a porn? Like..."

Because I’m down with that. I’ll cut that shit.

And she goes, "No, he wants to turn it into a recruitment film

for the Jehovah’s Witnesses."

Because he’s a Jehovah’s Witness now.

So he wanted to take all the footage

from the interviews we did and shit,

intercut it with concert footage,

and turn it into a recruitment film

for the Jehovah’s Witnesses and shit.

And I was like, "Get out of here.

That’s what we were doing this whole time?"

She’s like, "I guess.

You wann--? You wanna work on it?"

And I said, "Oh, shit, no.

"No, I already made my recruitment film

for Catholicism. I don’t..."

I, uh...

[CHUCKLES]

I said, "I got no interest in-- In fucking doing that."

I was like, "He’s really serious

about this fucking Jehovah’s Witnesses shit?"

"He’s pretty hard-core." I was like, "How hard-core?"

Because in my mind, I just see fucking, "Bing-bong."

Open the door. And Prince is like, "Dearly beloved...

Would you like to buy a Watchtower?"You know.

But she said that’s what he’s doing.

He’s trying to use the footage for that.

So last I heard, it was going into a recruitment film

for the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

So if you’re ever approached by Jehovah’s Witnesses,

and they’re like:

"We’d like you to watch this video,"

that’s my latest film.

Um, hi. So for all your movies,

you’re, like, writer, director--

You got like five credits.

Um, so I figure that’s gotta be a pretty good paycheck.

I have two questions: Uh, how much are you worth?

And what do you waste money on?

How much am I worth? Um...

I don’t know.

I have no idea how much I’m worth.

What does that mean, exactly?

Like, to my mother,

I’m worth a lot. Well--

Well, like, what’s your net worth?

Like, you know, like, if you were theor--

Let’s say you were one of those good filmmakers,

and they put you on that Forbes list--

[AUDIENCE GASPING & BOOING]

I don’t--

Calm down. No, no, no, no. Shh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait.

Okay-- This is-- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Dude, I couldn’t fucking hear you the first time.

So I missed the setup. Go.

Uh, if you were appreciated enough--

- Wait. - -to be put on that Forbes list--

On the Forbes list? Why was everyone, "Oh!" to the--?

[MAN YELLS INDISTINCTLY] I know. I heard him.

You reined that shit in pretty quick.

You’re like, "What if you were good enough--? Whoa!

"I mean, what if they were smart enough to--"

I ad lib like--

Because 2000 fucking Canadians were like, "Let’s get him!"

Anyway, what if somebody put me on the Forbes list,

what would I be worth?

I wouldn’t make-- Obviously, I haven’t made the Forbes list.

Well-- Ballpark figure. Do you have $10 million?

Do I have 10 million?

Are you looking for a fucking loan, sir?

What do you mean "Do I have"? Am I liquid?

Am I so liquid that I got 10 million sitting somewhere?

Sure.

No.

Sir, I have a family. I’m married and I have a kid.

And I buy a lot of fucking DVDs.

So...I-- I’m a real--

Honestly, I kind of live very hand-to-mouth,

where it’s like, I get paid, and then I get fat,

and then I go back to work.

And I get paid, and I get fat.

And basically we just spend that money

until there’s no money left, and then I’m like:

"Well, what did Jay and Silent Bob do this week?" You know.

But, no. But I don’t have, uh,

fucking $10 million sitting somewhere.

Affleck does. He’s got more than 10 million sitting somewhere.

Affleck had that stretch where he did, like, three movies,

where he made 15 to 20 million, or something like that.

And thank God, because now

he can live off that for, you know--

Wait till the storm passes and shit.

But I don’t have that chunk of change sitting somewhere.

Also, Affleck’s not fucking married, doesn’t have a kid.

A wife and a kid will fucking bleed you dry, sir.

I’ll keep that in mind. Don’t fucking get married.

Which I don’t think is a problem for you.

What’s your net worth, eh?

How much you worth? What do you got in the bank?

How many toonies and loonies do you have in--?

I give it up, sir. Nobody’s ever asked me that question before:

"How much are you worth?"

That’s a real fucking esoteric question.

One that’s gonna plague me too.

Wake my wife up 3 in the morning,

"Honey, what am I worth?"

"Get it off of me, get it off of me." You know.

Hi. I just have two questions. Two questions.

One question, actually, and one comment.

Thank you for coming to Toronto, first of all.

Thank you. Thank you for having me.

And my second question is just about why you actually come

and do these shows.

What reasons do you have to come and do these shows?

[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

"They want you to do up a show up at Roy Thompson."

"I don’t know." "They got a lot of Timbits."

"I’m there."

[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Smart motherfucker right here.

Come on up, sir.

How do you do, sir. Thank you, bro.

Hi.

What’s your name, new best friend?

[CHUCKLES]

Um, my name is Adam, but all my friends call me Jaws.

SPEAKER: Hey, Jaws. MAN: Hi, Jaws.

Because you suck dick?

Um, back in grade nine, I hit over 6 feet, and I had braces.

Our friend was a huge James Bond fan,

and he started calling me Jaws.

And you sucked his dick?

We’ll save that for the special edition.

Um... Because you sucked his dick. Yes.

My Timbits.

Now, wait, so they’re your Timbits?

Oh, I bought them. For you.

Did you sweat in them?

Because they look a little worse for wear, sir.

You didn’t do anything to them, did you?

I’ll eat one if you want.

Well, what if you put the poison in,

but you have the antidote? Pick one.

Pick a Timbit, and I’ll eat it.

Do that one.

Yeah, but--

But what if that’s the one you didn’t put the poison in...

knowing that I would choose that one

because it was so different-looking?

Security.

What’s this?

I was also worried with the no-food policy

that they would take it away.

So I also smuggled a little dime bag just in case. So...

You’re giving me weed?

A Canadian version of weed. But, yeah, just more Timbits.

Oh, it’s a dime bag of Timbits.

Just in case if they confiscated that one,

I had that one as well.

So this is your secret stash?

Exactly.

You guys got any questions for the doughnut man?

[AUDIENCE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

All right. Question?

[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Where are my doughnuts?

I’ll give you Timbits tomorrow for free at school.

Remember, my mom works there.

She is so fired.

Is this what you have to deal with all the time?

Owen.

SPEAKER: Take your pants off too.

Right on. Thank you for signing my comics.

You’re welcome, sir. Don’t forget the coat.

Are those your glasses, sir?

No. They are, right?

Well done.

Sir, what was your question?

My question was why do you come here,

aside from money, which is probably an obvious factor.

And Timbits. Aside from the food, right.

Um, you know, honestly, I kind of dig it.

I like it. This is my, uh, second--

Well, third-favorite part of the job.

I like writing, I like editing--

Because editing is kind of like writing.

It’s like getting to write another version of the script--

Another draft, if you will. I like doing this part,

because that’s what it’s all about, right?

It’s a communication medium. You throw the movie out there

and see if anybody identifies.

And you manufacture for you,

so you wanna hear what people have to say about it.

And this is kind of the way

I hear what people think about the shit.

The feedback. And it started that way.

It started by going to the screenings

and doing q and a’s afterwards. And then sooner or later,

we just started losing the screenings altogether,

because people we’re like, "Oh, fuck the movie.

Just get up there and talk about your dick," you know.

So, uh, I don’t know, I just kind of like it.

This is where I feel comfortable.

I’m fucking terrible in person.

That’s what happens. A lot of people are like:

"Oh, you must be fucking great in a room."

I’m terrible in a room.

If you get me in a room with five, six people,

I shut the fuck up. I’m just like, "Hello."

But I can do this.

Like, I can do 2000, 3000 people.

But one-on-one, dog shit.

Except my wife. I can talk to her pretty well.

My wife will invite her friends over, and they’re like:

"Why did you marry him? He’s such a boring guy."

Then she hands them An Evening With Kevin Smith,

and then they’re like:

"Oh...

"An Evening with Kevin Smith is four hours long," you know?

And my wife’s like, "No, it’s not.

"Evening with Kevin Smith is two minutes if I’m lucky.

Three if he gets on top," you know.

So I don’t know, I just kind of dig it.

I’m just kind of into it. I like it.

I like doing it here too. Love fucking doing it in Canada.

Love-- The last one we did at Roy Thompson Hall

was, hands down, my favorite q and a that I’ve ever done.

Here at Roy Thompson.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE] Um...

Because you’re-- I don't know, you guys kind of get it.

It’s not like they don't get it down in the States,

but I don’t know, it feels--

I truly feel, like, welcome here.

Like, I feel like, uh, you know, Superman,

fucking his world blew up...

and so Earth became his adopted homeland.

And that’s how I feel about Canada.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

Of course, the analogy falls to shit right away,

because, unfortunately, America has not blown up yet.

Although, soon. Give it--

Give it time. And, uh...

And also, I can’t do shit to protect Canada from anybody.

But nobody seems to wanna make war with you,

so it’s all right, you know.

So basically I could just be like, "I am protecting them."

Until shit starts going on, and I’m like,

"I got your back from back here. Go."

MAN: Behind the rock!

Behind the rock, sir.

You just became a better writer than me.

But I dig it. I just kind of dig it.

I feel at home doing this kind of shit. This feels good.

Because, you know, it’s kind of a rush too.

Three thousand people wanna hear what you have to say.

MAN: Yeah, right.

[CHUCKLES]

Only in this country.

He’s talking about Geddy, eh?

Oh, Geddy’s amazing.

Maybe he’ll do a little "Tom Sawyer."

Um, it’s nice though. It's nice.

It makes you feel wanted and shit.

Because then I go out in the real world,

and nobody wants me.

Here, though, I could probably get laid.

Moments like this, I’m just like,

"I could totally get laid." That’s why it's so--

You gotta keep your head straight with this.

Because you jump on stage, and people are like "Whaa!"

You’re like, "Oh, my God, why did I get married?

"I could fuck all of these people.

"At least once, you know.

"Till they figured out I was a terrible lay.

But all I need is one crack."

But then, you know, I get off-sta--

Then I get off-stage, and it’s just not really the case.

Then there’s only one person that wants to fuck me,

and that’s, you know-- That’s kind of beautiful.

AUDIENCE: Awww.

It is. That’s why I got married. Because she fucks really well.

And she loves me. And I love her.

But, uh, on the stage, you tend to like:

"Wow, I’m pretty happening."

And then, you know, you go home and shit, and she’s like:

"Ugh, quit farting."

And you remember you’re not that happening at all and shit.

And she’s too smart for me to be like:

"Look, there are 3000 fucking people

who would like to hear me fart."

She’ll be like, "I fucking hope so,

because that’s how we earn our living, fat ass." You know.

She’s a pretty sharp cookie.

But that’s really it. I just kind of enjoy it.

I mean, the money’s nice too, don’t get me wrong.

I used to do it for free, though,

Then one day, somebody was like--

I was at a school in New Jersey--

I was at Rutgers in Camden-- the Camden campus

- -and I used to just drive places and do q and a.

They’d be like, "You wanna talk to the college students?"

I’d be, "Right on."

One day, I was at Rutgers, we were showing clips,

so I went outside to smoke--

because that’s when I used to smoke

- -um, and the chick who was running the program was like:

"Wow, it’s so awesome that you just do this for free."

And I was like, "It really, really is.

What--? What does that mean, exactly?"

And she’s like, "Most people kind of charge to do it."

And I was like, "Charge? To do this?

"Why would somebody charge for an ego boost like this?

"This is awesome. How much they make?"

She was like, "We just had Janeane here, Janeane Garofalo."

I was like, "Right on. How much she make?"

She was like, "20 G’s." I was like:

"Twenty G what?

Twenty thousand dollars? American? Or Canadian?"

Which is actually pretty fucking close now.

"Twenty thousand." I was like, "Get out of here."

So then I started charging for gas.

And I was, like, I feel secure enough to be like:

"Look, you gotta give me gas money."

They would pitch me 5 bucks, crumpled up.

"Here you go.

Fuck off, Clerksboy."

Right on.

I took those fucks. My net worth, 5 bucks.

And then there was a period where I just--

And then it started going up, and they started paying me more.

Then I got to a place where I was like,

"Ugh. I don’t wanna do it anymore."

Because they always send you to remote places.

At least this, we’re in the middle of a city.

So you fly into fucking... Pearson.

Pearson. Is that what it’s called?

Named for, you know, that guy, Pearson.

And-- And you know, you’re in the city in fucking 20 minutes.

Sometimes, though, they’ll send you to a fucking college

in Bumblefuck, fucking--

Like, "You wanna go out to the Maritimes?"

"Shit, no," you know.

"You’re out of your fucking minds." Um...

And then you fly in and drive four hours

to get to the fucking college.

So there was a period where I was like:

"I don’t wanna do it anymore,

so I’m just gonna fucking raise my fee."

And that way, people will be like:

"Oh, fuck him," you know, "He’s not worth it."

And, uh, they still kept fucking paying.

I was like, "Oh, good God.

They got me. I guess I gotta go."

So, uh...

But I dig it. Really, I kind of dig it.

When I’m busy-- When I'm making a flick or something,

I’m like-- You know, I'd rather concentrate on one thing.

But right now, I got nothing going on at the moment,

except for fucking Degrassi... so I’m all up in it, you know.

I’m like, "Send me in. I'll go anywhere. Fucking I’m there.

"Send me to fucking Oakville, Kitchener. I’ll do all the...

"I’ll fucking play the newfie towns too. I don’t give a shit.

Send me to every fucking province."

And they’re like, "You’re going to Toronto."

I’m like, "Right on."

So, uh, I just dig it, really, is what it comes down to.

All right, thanks very much. And just-- Thanks.

I hope that you, uh, come back another time.

Come back? Yes.

Yeah, well, I mean, I-- This is amazing.

I have never repeated a place.

I don’t think I've ever gone to the same place twice.

You should do it three times. Which says a lot about the show.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE] Because apparently...

No, no, no.

Apparently, y’all are starved for entertainment,

because most places are like, "Ugh, we saw him."

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: No hockey!

No hockey, right?

The boys are on strike, eh? The Leafs aren’t gonna play.

Bring the fat guy back.

You fuckers and your hockey, man.

God, you love some hockey. And the whole fucking town.

There’s a real pall over the whole fucking town.

And I was like, "What’s with all the down spirits and shit?"

And they’re like, "No hockey, eh?

"Hockey night’s gone, eh? Saturdays we got nothing to do.

"We look at each other and talk about the hockey.

"How good it would be, how great it was,

and how wonderful it will be when it comes back."

So I says to the guy, I says, "There’s no hockey."

He says, "I know there’s no hockey, eh?"

And I says, "Well, there it is."

Those are actual conversations I’ve listened to.

But, uh, generally I don’t-- I’ve never doubled up.

This is the first place I’ve ever done twice.

Not only have I done it twice-- it’s not like three years ago

- -I was here in fucking March.

Like, nothing has really happened to me

between March and now.

So I was so worried coming back. I’m like:

"I’m-- I'm not gonna have shit to talk about."

But, uh, it’s-- It’s cool. I like this room.

I could come back all the time.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE] And we sold it out pretty--

Don’t, because-- Don't. Because you’ll get tired of it.

You know. If I come back in another four months,

you’ll be like:

"Ugh, he’s talking about his fucking dick again.

Oh, hockey’s back? Oh, fuck him."

Go Leafs. Um...

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

Stop it.

Stop living into the stereotype, for chrissakes.

Like:

[SNORES] "What? Leafs? Yes, go Leafs!

Did they settle the strike? No? Fuck."

Um...

So there it is. I just kind of like doing it.

But I can’t do it without you, so thank you for coming.

Yep, thank you. Right on.

SPEAKER: All right. I wanted to know

um, what is, like, the meanest, most cold-hearted thing

you’ve ever done or said to someone, just because?

Meanest, cold-heartedest thing

I’ve ever done or said to anybody?

Yeah. And did it feel bad after?

No, it was never-- It’s never been any of that shit.

Probably the meanest,

cold-heartedest thing I’ve ever done--

and I still kind of carry it with me sometimes

- -is, uh...

junior year-- The end of junior year...

uh, in high school,

which is, what, 11th grade to you guys.

Grade 11, sorry. Grade 11, eh? Um...

Uh, but Michelle [BLEEP], who was a classmate of mine,

really sweet girl, was running for student council president,

because the juniors ran for it at the end of the year,

because senior year, you’d be a student council president.

And she was running unopposed. And I was just like:

"That’s not democracy. Somebody should run against her."

And I ran against her just for the fuck of it.

Didn’t want it. Was just like, "Shouldn’t Meeshy--"

We called her "Meeshy." "Meeshy will totally win,

but there should be somebody else in the race."

And also it gave me a chance to kind of, uh,

get up on the PA system and sing a song.

Which was, uh, in 19-- What was it? Fuck.

I forget. Essentially, it was to "New York, New York,"

but the chorus was "vote overweight, vote overweight."

And they did.

Proving once again that it’s not really the qualifications,

it’s just who puts on a better show.

So basically, Meeshy was just like:

[FLAT VOICE] "If you vote for me for student council president,

"I will totally lead our class and this school

into the next generation."

And I got up there and was like:

♪ Vote overweight Vote overweight ♪

And they were like:

"Oh, let’s vote for the fat guy."

Uh, and I won. So senior year, I was student council president.

And the first thing I did as student council president

was to abolish the fall carnival,

which was the big thing everyone looked forward to.

Why?

[CHUCKLES]

I was like, "Fuck it. It’s a waste of our time.

We don’t need it." Got rid of it.

Everybody was like, "What happened to the fall carnival?"

They’re like, "Student council president got rid of it."

Drunk on my own power, I was like:

"Let’s see how far I can go."

Got rid of homecoming.

Which is not a big deal because we didn’t have

a fucking football team.

So I never understood why we had a homecoming dance.

I was like, "Homecoming is for football games.

"We don’t have football. What do we have homecoming for?

Fuck it. No, it’s gone."

And fucking people were like, "Right on. It’s gone."

I was Bush, you know.

I was flat-out W.

I just made horrible, fucking random decisions,

and people were like, "He’s our president."

But...

I did try to abolish the prom,

and that one, I got overruled on.

That was when people like, "You can’t take away the prom.

We’ve had it up to here."

And they kept their fucking prom.

But I refused to go to it and shit.

And my girlfriend at the time was a junior, right?

So the junior prom the year before I had gone to.

She was a sophomore at that time.

And I brought her with me. So we went to the junior prom.

So senior year, she was supposed to go with me

to the senior prom.

We had junior, senior prom together and shit.

So I told her, I was like,

"Look, I’m not doing a senior prom.

I’m just blowing it off and shit. I’m taking a stand."

Against what, I don’t know. But I was in high school.

I was rebelling against everything.

Including my fucking waistline. So, um...

So I was like, "No fucking prom.

"Prom’s stupid. Stupid fucking tradition.

"Look, if we wanna fuck, we’re gonna fuck at a hotel room.

"We don’t need to go to the prom.

"Or we’ll just fuck in your parents’ house.

There’s no reason to go to the fucking prom."

And she was just like,

[CRYING] "But I wanna go to the prom."

It meant the world to her. She wanted to go.

I was like, "No, we’re not going to the prom.

"It’s my prom, we're not going. It’s my senior prom.

"We’re gonna hang out, we’re gonna watch

The Breakfast Clubagain."

So she was like, "All right, all right."

And then, uh, that night--

- class move - -she went to the fucking prom.

Didn’t even tell me. I called up her mom, I was like:

"Where’s Kim at?

"We’re gonna hang out and watch Breakfast Club."

She’s like, "Kim’s in a gown...

at the prom."

And I was like, "Oh, fucking--

We were supposed to be rebelling together."

But she had no interest in rebelling and shit.

And that was where our kind of relationship started to:

Fft. She didn’t wanna rebel with me,

I wasn’t gonna roll like that and shit.

So, uh-- So it comes to the end of the year,

and the student council’s in charge of the elections

for the next round of student council elections,

the juniors who are running.

And, uh, there was a kid who was running

for, uh, student council president

against, uh, some girl. And their names, well, I’ll--

Fuck it, I’m not gonna tell you their names,

because the story’s pretty bad.

And, uh...so basically, there was a kid--

One guy running, one girl running.

And, uh, my Spanish teacher at the time pulled me aside

and was like, "You’re failing. You’re gonna fail this year."

Excellent teacher, [BLEEP]. Fantastic fucking teacher.

But I was a terrible student.

Didn’t bother to learn any Spanish and shit.

Didn’t know that one day

I would live in Los Angeles and need Spanish.

I was like, "I live in New Jersey,

I’ll never need Spanish."

Move to L.A., I need Spanish. MAN: Watch Dora.

That’s why I watch Dora. All right, rein it in, sir.

Not everything is the rock.

Um... So-- But still, I liked it.

I tried to pull your credit away, but that was good. Um...

So, uh-- That was good.

So, um-- I gotta remember that for the next show.

Dude, I’m taking all your material.

Um...

So, uh-- So my Spanish teacher says to me:

"Listen, uh, do you want to pass?"

And I was like:

"Oh, God, I’m gonna have to blow this motherfucker."

Because I’m okay-- I’m okay with blowjobs, man.

Like, I get it. Like, I’m--

I’m comfortable with my sexuality.

Doesn’t mean I can't take a shot in the mouth for a good grade.

Doesn’t necessarily make me gay.

It just means I give good head.

So he was like, "No, none of that."

He said, uh, "I just want to-- I want you to make sure

that the chick wins and not the guy."

And I was like, "Really? You want me to throw the election?

And you’ll pass me in Spanish?"

And he was like, "Totally."

And I was like, "I don’t know, man. I gotta think about this.

All right."

Votes came in and shit, and we tallied them up and shit,

because guess who counted the votes.

I was like the chick in Florida, dude.

What’s her name? MAN: Katherine Harris.

I was fucking Katherine Harris.

A 12th-grade Katherine Harris.

Tossing shit away.

I was like, "Where are the black votes?"

So, basically, the guy won by a very slim margin,

the girl didn’t. And sure enough, I was just like:

"One, two, three... Hey, she won."

And that was probably the worst thing

I’ve fucking ever done in my life.

That girl got to be student council president,

and that dude spiraled fucking downwards and...

uh, kissed the end of a shotgun, blew his head off.

[MOUTHS] No.

Or something, I-- I can’t remember. I--

I never did the follow-up to that story.

I just know that he didn’t win.

And he really, legitimately, he did.

But the real weird fucking vengeance

is that dude wound up dating my ex-girlfriend the next year.

Which he must have known, right?

He was like, "You steal my presidency,

I’m gonna steal your fucking pussy, sir."

So then Iwent out with hisgirlfriend.

Like, "You steal my pussy for stealing the election,

I’m gonna fucking steal your pussy, sir."

And then we were all miserable.

And the great irony is, the girl that he was dating--

his girlfriend that I wound up stealing and going out with

- -was named Amy.

And so forevermore, people would come to her

and be like, "Oh, my God, didn’t you date the Clerksguy?

Is Chasing Amyabout you?" And she’d be like, "No."

And it’s not.

But I like the name.

That story has no ending, really.

Wait. No. It does.

That motherfucker came looking for blood, and what did I do?

Hid behind a rock.

I want to say good job on the movies.

Thank you, sir.

And Roadside Attractions, it’s really good.

I had a question for Mewes, but he deked--

You are the most laid-back person I’ve ever met.

You’re just like, "Right on, dude. Get on with the... Right.

Rock on with your bad self and the Roadside..."

You are super cool, sir. You’re Fonzie.

[IMITATING FONZIE] Eh.

Anyways, um,

I was thinking you-- Fonzie was Canadian, wasn’t he?

[IMITATING FONZIE] Eh? [CHUCKLES]

I left my leather jacket at home.

Um, I was gonna say that you have an image:

the trench coat, jacket, the beard

Have you ever thought about getting rid of the beard?

Because you look at guys like Chuck Norris and Chewbacca,

Jesus, even,

without a beard--

Without a beard, they would,

like, lose all their power

and their credibility. And, uh...

[CHUCKLES]

I was gonna ask, have you thought of that.

Because I’d think it be a truly horrible thing

if you did that.

You would, I don’t know--

Like, no one would recognize you.

I wouldn’t, you know. Heh-heh.

Like, Alex Trebek got rid of his mustache,

and I was watching Jeopardy. "Who is that guy?"

I didn’t know who he was.

[CHUCKLES]

It’s like having a conversation with one of my characters.

Sir, I just think that it’s fucking brilliant

that you somehow managed to tie Chuck Norris...

Chewbacca the Wookiee

and Jesus Christ--

- heh-heh - -together.

Because if I was on a fucking game show,

and somebody said, "Name three people who have beards..."

Maybe-- Maybe I’d be like:

"Uh, the son of God,

our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ."

I wouldn’t even-- Chuck Norris wouldn’t come to mind, and--

Never in a million years.

I don’t know, does he have a beard?

Doesn’t he just rock a mustache?

He’s got a beard, yeah. Does he really?

You and me on that game show, you win.

Chewie, I wouldn’t even think of.

Chewie would be the answer-- They’re like, "Judges?"

And they’re like:

Um, have I ever thought about taking off the beard?

I do take it off from time to time.

Um, but, uh, only if I’ve got nothing going on.

Like if I’m not gonna have to be public,

you know, except to go to the store and shit like that.

But if I don’t have to get on-stage or take a picture.

Because when I take it off...

I look dramatically different.

I look like a 16-year-old fat kid.

As opposed to a 34-year-old fat man.

Um, and it also-- My wife hates it.

First time I took it off when we were together,

I came out of the bathroom,

and I was like, "Notice anything different?"

And she was like, "Oh, Jesus! Whoa!

Dig it out of the drain and glue it back."

She hated it, she hated it. And the first time I did it

when I had the kid, she was just like:

[SCREAMING]

Because suddenly I wasn’t Dad anymore.

I was just some random fat dude fucking her mom.

So I have taken it off from time to time,

but I just look really, really bad with it.

You know, and it’s just, you know...

fucking chin city and shit.

MAN: Your wife is your beard!

My wife is my beard, isn’t she?

Oh, sir. Who was it?

That was you? That was your move.

Because in your head, you were sitting there going:

"I’m gonna yell out ’Your wife is your beard,'

and they’ll laugh like they laughed at the rock guy."

And you yelled it out, you got it out there.

You had the guts to do it and shit,

And then I even echoed it for you,

just in case the cheap seats didn’t hear.

And there was fucking crickets, sir.

You are a fucking Gigli incarnate, sir.

But I respected that. That would have been my go-to joke.

I should have fucking thought of that.

I should have been, like--

Rock the why "my wife is a beard" joke

and talk about sucking cock. Thank God you did it first.

I will never use that joke.

Right on.

You’re feeling pretty good right about now, because...

you’re like, "I busted out Chuck Norris."

Anyhoo, no, I’ve never shaved the beard on a regular basis.

You should bring the Roadside Attractionswith Leno

to Toronto. I think that’d be pretty funny.

Do Roadsidesup here. Yeah, I’d like to.

I would like to totally do that. You like them, huh?

Yeah, for sure. They’re not bad.

I have fun doing them.

The guy I do those with, Andy McElfresh,

he’s the real brains behind it.

He’s way into that kind of sense of humor.

And my jokes, I tend to write very long--

They’re not even jokes.

It’s just observations. And he’s a real joke guy.

"Go for the punchline" kind of thing.

So if you really like those,

truly he’s the genius behind them.

I’m just the guy who stands there

and fucking dances like a chimp.

And once in a while I find something

kind of quick to tag up with.

But, uh, they’ve been fun to do.

I would like to do one up here. That’d be nice.

You don’t really have attractions, though.

Like, CN Tower. And that’s it. MAN: Tim Hortons.

Tim Hortons. That’s not really a roadside attraction.

Tim Hortons is fucking legion in this country.

What do you got, 30 million people living up here?

You have 31 million Tim Hortons.

There is one Tim Hortons, 1.8--

1.008 Tim Hortons per fucking resident of Canada.

You all got your own. Like, "What’s that?"

"Oh, that’s Bob's Tim Hortons."

"Bob who?" "I don’t know.

But there’s one guy named Bob, and that’s his."

So Tim Hortons wouldn’t really be a stop, man.

MAN: The Leafs!

The Leafs is not really a roadside attraction,

it’s a sporting team.

Hall of Fame is definitely a roadside attraction.

Good point.

MAN: Niagara Falls. Ah, fuck the Falls.

I just went back to the Falls for the first time.

I have not been to Niagara Falls since I was 5 years old,

and my parents took us on a road trip and shit.

We drove up to the Falls.

My parents had honeymooned there.

So I guess they wanted to go back.

My old man wanted to get another crack at her up at the Falls.

So I was 5 years old,

and, uh, we went to the fucking Falls--

me, my brother, my sister, my parents and shit

- -and took those fake photographs,

when it was about the barrels and shit.

You stood in a fake barrel

with the fake Falls behind you, and you reacted.

Like you were going over it.

As if anyone would be hanging outside a barrel

to go down the Falls.

And you can see the stairs under my feet and shit.

But the one thing they did do was take us up

in a fucking helicopter.

You know. They sent-- It was my mom, I guess-- No, my dad.

My dad was like: "Let the kids go up in a helicopter."

My mom was like, "No." My dad was like, "They’ll be fine."

Because I think my old man was like:

"If the kids die, I get another crack at her alone."

Because we were all crammed in the same room and shit.

So either that, or my old man was like:

"While they’re up in the helicopter and shit,

I’m gonna go tag her in the bathroom."

Which I would like to think of my parents

as being those people.

Who are just like, "Are the kids up there?

All right, fucking do it quick."

Which I don’t-- I don’t think is disrespectful.

Like, my old man died last year, and I miss him like mad.

My mother misses him way, way fucking more.

But the older you get in life,

the more you realize your parents

are as full of shit as anybody else.

They’re just like you.

They probably did the same shit you do.

And so I like to think of my parents

not so much as, you know:

"Ah," gods up on fucking pillars, as two people

who were trying to fucking get it on in a bathroom.

In a public restroom.

Like that, where my old man’s like,

"You get on the other side of this wall

and fucking glory-hole me, woman." You know.

When I--

It’s true, though. Whenever-- I do miss my father.

But whenever I miss him, I just think of him

in very human terms and shit.

Because when you miss the dead, you tend to really, like,

you know, think of all these wonderful things that they did.

And they had no flaws and shit like that.

And I tend to-- To combat the emotions and the tears.

I tend to try to humanize my father as much as possible,

and just think about my old man being like--

Trying to wake my mother up in the middle of the night,

rubbing it on her asshole.

And then my mother being like, "You’re crazy.

Not now." Then my old man being like,

"All right, just watch while I jerk off, then."

[LAUGHS]

And then I just kind of get silly. I gi-- Giggle.

Like, yeah, that was probably my father.

Because you never get to know

that aspect of your parents, right?

Particularly when they go away early.

I’d ask my dad-- "What were your dreams?"

Shit like that.

And my old man was too cool for school. He was just like:

"Are you asking me because you want to rub it in

"that I never achieved them?

"And that you’re living the fucking dream,

and I’m stuck here with her?" You know.

So my father was-- I love him to death,

and he took me to movies and shit.

I have a career in film

because my old man would take me to movies,

show me movies, and shit like that.

My old man took me to see The World According to Garp,

when I was so not age-appropriate.

Like, it was the kind of movie that I should have been like:

"This fucking blows.

Why isn’t he saying, ’Nanu Nanu?'" You know?

Because it’s Mork. Um...

But he-- He kind of-- He just wanted--

He took me to see movies that he wanted to see.

Which really led to me having an appreciation for film

beyond the simple fucking Raiders of the Lost Ark

and Supermanshit.

So...I do miss him quite a bit.

But I find it always helps to just think of him as

this fucking dude that I might have hung out with

had I been a little younger or something like that.

And talked about like, "Did you get it last night?"

He was like, "Oh, shit, dude.

Fucking all over her back."

[CHUCKLES]

Or just, like, my old man trying to, like, talk my mom

into a fucking three-way with a hooker.

Or maybe not a hooker.

Like, you know, one of my fucking aunts.

Like a-- Not-- Not a blood aunt.

But, like, one of those women that you call aunt,

but she just-- They know--

You know, the friends of your parents.

And, like, you know, Uncle Jay to Harley.

He’s not really her uncle, but we call him Uncle Jay.

But just my old man being like:

"Why don’t you, me and fucking Judy get it on, Grace?"

And Grace being like, "You are so fucking high, Don."

And my father going to work every night

at the fucking post office-- a soul-killing fucking job

- -just sitting there, processing mail.

He was a guy that cancelled stamps, right?

Whenever you got your mail and the stamp was cancelled,

that was my old fucking man.

And he hated fucking doing it.

And the only thing that kept him alive,

night after night, was like:

"I’m gonna get those two together.

"Oh, sweet Jesus, I’m gonna get them together.

"And it’s gonna make up for this shit,

"I’ll tell you what.

Then I’m gonna take Kev to see a matinee."

[CHUCKLES]

Are we done, sir? Right on. Thanks.

Good on you, with the Chuck Norris.

[CHUCKLES]

I’m not gonna let my mom see this. Yes?

So, uh, who’s the biggest dick in Hollywood?

Me.

Um, I don’t know, sir. I don’t know.

Who’s the biggest dick I ever met?

Yeah. That we would know. MAN: Jon Peters.

I guess he’s up there. I--

Eisner. I mean, I never really had dealings with him.

Chuck Norris, I mean...

I don’t know.

MAN: Tim Burton!

Tim Burton, Affleck. No, no. Not really.

[MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] Who?

Who?

The black guy?

"The black guy, eh? You know the one.

He’s black."

MAN: J. Lo! No.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

No. I can’t honestly--

There’s the biggest dick I ever met.

Matt Damon is so not a dick. He’s a good guy.

I don’t know. Honestly, like, you know,

there are people I’ve talked about and shit. And...

Doherty’s not a dick. She’s actually all right.

[MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY] Who?

Russell Crowe I never met. Maybe, though.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Apparently, everybody has an idea except me.

You really should have directed it to them.

Yeah, I guess so. But I don’t know.

There are people I’ve worked with

that I haven’t liked,

and I’ve, of course, talked about them

at great lengths.

But I guess since that DVD,

I haven’t really met anybody that--

That I haven’t really liked.

Although, there are people that I haven’t liked

that I used to like, and now I’m just like...

[WHISTLES] "...What a dick."

Such as? Mel Gibson.

Okay. What happened?

What happened to Riggs?

Martin Riggs went-- Really went crazy.

Like, fucking nuts, to the point where he’s just like:

"I’m not about stem cells.

"I don’t believe in chewing up little babies

and feeding them to people."

Like, "What?"

You know, he makes the fucking P assion,which, whatever--

But, um, apparently during the Passionshit,

like, it outs that his old man is like a-- A--

A Holocaust denier.

Which is like, "What?"

Your old man is one of those people that’s just like,

"It wasn’t 6 million.

"Maybe two. And I even doubt that.

And it was probably their own fucking fault."

Strange shit like that.

And they belong to this real weird sect of Catholicism

where they just don’t recognize any pope post-Vatican II.

Like, they like it when the priest was turned around,

facing the other way.

Because back in the old-- Pre-Vatican II, the Church--

Mass used to be in Latin, and the priest would face away.

So he was always doing this shit.

And you’d be in the audience going, "What’s going on?

Oh, he’s making Jesus."

Like a cooking show, but from the back.

But then he, you know, went and made the fucking--

the Passion--which, to me, was like, "Why bother?"

Why would you bother making another movie about Jesus

after The Last Temptation of Christ?

The Last Temptation of Christ, to me,

was the ultimate Jesus movie, right?

Took Jesus, made him more interesting

than he had ever been in the Bible.

Because in the Bible, it’s all beatitudes

and miracles, and shit like that.

And then he dies. And he’s a sacrificial lamb.

And he always has something nice to say,

or the right thing to say at the right time and shit.

But Last Temptation of Christ made him total pimp.

Because he was just like:

"I don’t know if I wanna be God."

And then he goes out to the desert, and he comes back,

and he’s like, "I used to believe in love,

now I believe in this." And it’s a fucking axe.

And you’re like, "Get him, Jesus!

"Cut him down!

"Break the chain of evil!

"Oh, Jesus is here!

"Shit’s on!

Kick his ass. Kick his ass!"

And then the-- The-- The-- The, um, fucking Passionmovie,

they take-- They took the man’s balls away.

Suddenly he was back to, like,

you know, "Blessed are the cheesemakers,"

and shit like that.

And then take it one step further,

and they’re like:

"Let’s beat the fuck out of Jesus."

And they beat him up and shit, and--

And just, I don’t know.

Like, I fucking took a lot of shit

for making a movie about religion

that had a fucking rubber poop monster in it.

And they made a movie where it was just like:

"Is this Jesus? You fucking, fucking...

fucking faggot!" You know.

Like total hate-crime Jesus.

Beat the shit out of him because he was a man of peace.

"We want war."

And people went in droves. They fucking paid.

They paid to go watch it and shit.

I was in-- Where was I?

I was in Texas the day that it opened.

And there was a multiplex that,

like, had fucking 12, 24 screens,

something like that.

Religious group came in, bought every fucking screen

and showed the Passion on all those screens.

Busloads of fucking Jesus-loving Christians coming in with kids.

Getting off the bus with little fucking kids

who were just like, "We can’t to see Jesus get beat up."

And I was taught to love Jesus, not fucking beat him up.

So that movie, I was just so--

So not down with. And it just-- It didn’t deviate, right?

That’s why I didn't feel the need to see it,

because like, fuck it, I read the book.

I know what’s gonna happen.

It’s like going into Titanicand shit.

The whole time, I was just like, "The boat fucking sinks."

Like, we all know this.

There is no chance that the boat won’t sink.

At least you go in to see fucking, like, you know, any--

Of course, evil usually gets triumphed by good and shit.

But every once in a while, they throw you a curveball.

Empire Strikes Back ends miserably.

Everybody’s like, "Oh, Jesus. Everything went wrong.

"And fucking he’s gone, and this dude got his hand cut off,

"and she fucking liked the dude, but he was like, ’I know.'

And that was it. And fucking--"

Nobody got what they wanted,

and Vader was just like, "I’ll be back," you know, and--

And then in the next movie everybody wins.

So-- But, you know, you had no idea that was coming.

But with the fucking Jesus movie, like Titanic,

you know what’s gonna happen. Jesus is gonna hit the iceberg.

No two ways about it.

Any movie with Jesus in it is gonna end like this:

So I was just like, "Fuck it. I don’t wanna go and see that."

Like, you wanna show me a movie about Christ,

show me a movie about Christ’s life,

where Christ’s walking around, going:

"You, get up, Zippy. Right on.

"You, here’s some fish.

Where’s the loaves? Coming at you."

You know.

Not the movie where it’s just like:

[MAKES BEATING SOUNDS]

"Oh, fuck," you know.

"Not again."

If it were me, I would have deviated from the text.

I’d have done something a little differently.

Because fuck it, you know. You know everyone’s going anyway

because they’re Christians, right? What else they got to do?

It’s that, or watch Touched by an Angel.

So they’re all going.

So they’re expecting the fucking same old,

same old, and shit like that.

Give them something different. Spin it a little bit.

I would have-- I would have set the movie up

a little bit differently.

I wouldn’t have gone like he did,

where we go through the Passion of Christ,

and it ends with him fucking dying.

I say, fuck it, let him die right at the top.

Right away. Curtain comes up and shit:

The Passion of,fucking, the Christ,as told by Smitty.

And, um--

And right away, it’s just:

[MAKES BANGING SOUNDS]

And he’s getting nailed up and shit like that.

And everyone’s like, "Ah, die, king of the Jews."

And he’s just like, "Oh, man.

"Fucking at least-- At least we’re gonna fucking do it.

"You know, at least I’m gonna save these fucking people,

and shit like that." Five minutes. Right away.

The whole time, people are going:

"I guess they’re gonna tell it

"in fucking flashback form.

We’re gonna start at the end and work backwards."

But, no, we don’t do that.

Because just as he’s out there about to die,

and pass into his fucking heavenly kingdom,

the glory of God, two ninjas swing in.

Two fucking ninjas swing in, wielding Uzis, just:

[IMITATES GUNSHOTS]

Spraying centurions. And they’re like, "Good God!

"Ninjas with Uzis!

This is the most anachronistic movie ever made."

And "Bang!" hitting the ground.

And one fucking ninja scurries up the cross,

pulls out the claw hammer, pulls the nails out.

Puts Jesus over his shoulder, and he’s like:

"I’m supposed to die."

And he’s like, "Not on my watch."

"Boom."

Then you’ve got interesting places to go.

Because you can go anywhere with that movie.

If I’m sitting there, and that happened,

I’d be like, "I'm fucking in."

And they get him to a safe distance and shit,

and he’s like, "Who are you?"

And they pull off the masks: Jay and Silent Bob.

And that’s it, they only have a cameo.

And then they’re like...

Uh, Silent Bob says something, pulls a quote from Star Wars.

And they pimp away.

And Christ is left to live a normal life and shit.

And he’s like, "I think

"I’m gonna become a fucking accountant.

"I like numbers, you know.

"I was real good with them loaves and the fishes.

Fuck it, I like numbers. Multiplication is my bag."

And then he’s just like:

"Fuck Christianity. I’m a Satanist now."

And he starts holding black masses

when he’s not doing math.

Like, you would fuck with a billion Christians’ heads.

They’d be like, "Is this in the fucking book?" Huh.

"Religion just came to life."

You’d see a lot more kids get into it.

They’re like, "Jesus is into Satan? Yes!

I am down with G-O-D."

But it don’t fucking happen like that.

So I didn’t go see that fucking movie. Fuck it.

Me neither.

What was your question?

Uh, the biggest dick in Hollywood.

Biggest dicks in Hollywood? Yeah.

MAN: Jesus! Jesus.

Jesus fucking figures out--

All right, did you ever see that movie Race with the Devil?

Definitely not.

Race with the Devil is this old ’70s movie

with Warren Oates in it, right?

Warren Oates, Loretta Swit and two other actors.

Who’s the other one? Peter Fonda’s the other one.

I forget who the other broad was.

And they’re in a Winnebago,

and they’re driving around the country,

because this is, you know-- That’s what you did in the '70s.

And they come to a campground, shit like that,

and they’re camping out,

and they hear some music in the distance.

And they go out and look.

And they go through the bushes and shit.

And there’s a satanic ritual going on.

This little cult is sacrificing a virgin and shit.

And they see it, and they go, "Ah!"

And the Satanists turn around, like:

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

And they spend the rest of the movie

chasing this Winnebago.

Put Jesus in that movie.

[CHUCKLES]

As the guy who drives the Winnebago.

You know, there’s some metaphor you can mix in there.

Christ is always leading us away from...

And at the end of the movie, to get away from the Satanists,

they all hide behind a rock.

We good? We’re good.

Thank you, sir. Thanks.

MAN [SHOUTING]: What would you do

for a flying car?

Lord?

What would I do for a flying car?

Fucking-- I would suck two dicks, sir.

Even if they were like, "You just gotta suck one."

I’d be like, "That’s worth two to me."

You’re can have a fucking sword fight in my mouth

for the flying car.

Oh, like you wouldn’t do it.

You’re all liars.

Suck three dicks for the flying car.

Three at once. Take it up the chute.

I’d fucking-- Turn me--

Fuck you, I’m honest.

Turn me into a fucking pincushion,

you give me a flying car.

[CHUCKLES]

[IMITATING JET ENGINE]

Fuck you, straight people!

[CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS]

Sir.

Okay, I don’t know

what the fuck to say to follow that. [CHUCKLES]

You should be saying, "Sir, I havea flying car."

[CHUCKLES]

And it’s gonna cost ya.

No, so my serious question was, uh,

there’s a little news article circulating on the Internet

a few-- About a week ago.

I know it’s not true.

But it was about Ben Affleck saying

that he’s pissed off at you about you making him--

Like, appearances he doesn’t wanna make.

And I know it’s not true. You've debunked it on your website.

I was wondering, maybe you could explain the story for us.

Clarify? Yeah. Yes.

So he-- In an interview, he fuck-- Somebody’s like:

"Hey, Kevin was mad you didn’t go to the--"

We had an opening

of Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash in Westwood,

where we did a signing of the Clerks XDVD

and the Jersey GirlDVD, which came out that same day.

I was like, "You want to come down?"

Knowing, in a million years he never would.

Affleck doesn’t do that kind of shit.

He’s too busy fucking his career up. And, um...

Um, so, uh-- So he was like:

"No, dude, you know I’m not gonna do that."

I said, it’s totally fucking cool.

And when they interviewed him

on the Surviving Christmas junket,

it was like, "Kevin was really mad

you didn’t go to that signing."

Which I totally wasn’t. He knew I wasn’t. But whatever.

But he was like, "Fuck Kevin and his fucking store.

And fucking putting himself on all the merchandise."

The same fucking routine he always does.

The same, "You fucking sell shit

with your face on it, you QVC whore."

Go-to joke that he uses all the time.

And somebody-- It was in the--

Somebody put it, you know--

Did a transcript of the interview on Dark Horizons.

And then this woman named Jeannette Walls,

who runs a column called The Scoopon MSNBC--

She’s a gossip whore.

Um-- I’m sorry, columnist.

Um...

- -took-- Took a piece of the transcript, you know,

not kind of saying--

Not putting it in context whatsoever, and said like:

"Affleck’s gone nuts.

And now he’s just lashing out at his friends,"

and shit like that. MAN: Called you gay.

What? Ben Affleck called you gay.

Called me gay. Did he, in that piece?

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

He called me gay?

Oh, he wrote--? He signed it on the book?

I know. He stole my move.

I used to-- Every time somebody gives me a Dogmabook

or a c-- Or a cover to the video,

I always write "so gay," with an arrow pointing at him.

And now he’s fucking like:

"Dude, if I get to them first, I’m doing it. I'm--

So then you got nowhere to go."

And then-- So he writes "so gay,"

with an arrow pointing to me,

And then I write "not really, but really gay,"

with an arrow pointing to him.

Or I don’t even write "gay" anymore,

I just write "Gigli," with an arrow pointing to him.

So anyway, Jeannette Walls ran it as, like, an item

going like, "These two are at fucking war.

"Affleck’s gone out of his mind,

and he’s attacking his friends and shit."

But it was so not the case

and it’s-- It’s such a shame that I had

to fucking explain it at all and shit.

But, uh, not to you.

Just that I had to explain it on the website.

But, um, I talked to him after that. I was like:

"Dude, did you see what Jeannette Walls did?"

And he was just like, "Dude, you knew I was kidding."

I was like, "I knew you were kidding,

"but it’s been excerpted places,

"and people are trying to run it

"as a real item and shit like that.

"So I just want you to know that from now on,

"I’m gonna say like: ’I'm sorry, I couldn’t read it

because I was too busy dodging a falling star.’"

[CHUCKLES]

And he was like, "Oh, you fucking bitch. You just--

Now I mean it all."

But it was just kind of a joke that got taken out of context.

But that-- Proving once again that they will find anything

to write about that dude. Like he’s that fascinating.

Like, I love Ben. I think he’s really funny and shit.

Not-- Not that interesting.

Not interesting enough to warrant an item

every week in US Weekly.

Which has really become Ben Weekly.

Which I actually kind of like, but...

But, God, everything, they’ll fucking write about.

There was one piece where they were like, "He wears a wig.

"He was getting into a fucking game of Grab Ass

"at a bar with Vince Vaughn,

and Vince Vaughn ripped his wig off."

We were shooting Jersey Girl at the time.

And I was like, "Dude, did you read this?"

And he was like: "Grab Ass?

Vince Vaughn? I haven’t seen Vince Vaughn in two years."

I’m like, "Keep reading." "Fucking wig?!"

I was like, "Yes, sir. Yes. They say you have a wig."

He’s like, "Fucking it's not a wig, dude. Pull my hair."

I was like, "I’ll take your word for it, sir."

But, yeah, they’ll just fucking write shit about a bitch, man.

My heart goes out to him,

because he’s had a bad fucking year,

with people just going like,

"Let’s fucking beat up on him and shit."

But it just means that his comeback

will be that much sweeter.

And God willing, it’ll be in a film that I do,

because then that motherfucker will owe me so big.

So big. And then I’ll be like:

"You show up at a fucking signing, bitch."

[CHUCKLES]

We good?

Yeah, fuck the media. Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, fuck the media. Fuck the media.

Yeah, fuck them hard, sir. Fucking media.

Fuck them hard until I need them to promote a movie,

then love them.

MAN: Bring the wife on-stage before you go.

What? MAN: Bring the wife up.

Bring the wife up?

[CROWD CHEERS, APPLAUDS]

Is she--? Is she back there?

Is the wife back there?

[PEOPLE YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

Well, come on up, hon.

Come on up.

Get her this microphone, would you?

Yes. Yes. Because we have to ask you a question.

MAN: She’s got sweet titties!

She does, sir. She does.

And you just ensured yourself

that you’ll never get to fuck her.

’Cause I don't know what you heard,

but chicks don’t respond to that kind of attention.

You got sweet titties!

[CHUCKLES]

You’ll be throttling your cock for a lifetime

with moves like that, sir.

Chicks like a more subtle approach than that.

Just for future reference.

She got the mike? You got the mike?

She don’t wanna answer, sir. I’m too shy.

Just answer this one question. Jay’s gonna answer them for me.

Answer one question. MAN: I took off my gear.

How much of the shit I say--? What’d I say? What'd I say?

How much of the shit I say is true?

She said, "None of it." [LAUGHS]

Answer this question:

Is your hand in Mewes’ lap?

No, sir.

No, no!

He got up-- He got up to look and shit. He’s like:

[CHUCKLES]

Third question:

Do you indeed have sweet titties?

I do, indeed.

"I do, indeed." [LAUGHS]

I mean, she does, indeed, she said.

What? She says.

Indeed, she does. She says.

What was the answer to the sweet-titties question?

I didn’t get it.

She said, yeah, she does. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

The better answer to that is,

"Not as sweet as yours, man boobs."

I’m not as quick as you are.

I always gotta be writing for fucks.

Let’s get to your question though, sir.

Okay. My name’s Dan, and it's half for you and half for Mewes.

Um, I was wondering how much

you had to pay Shannon Elizabeth

to make out with Mewes on-screen.

MEWES: Oh, sir, come on.

He’s asking him how much he paid.

Just back up and stand under a light, sir.

So we could see you.

You-- You’re like fucking Batman.

That way? You’re out of the light, sir.

Sir, really? Really in the light?

Come into the light, sir.

Sir.

We’re almost done. Come up on stage, sir.

But he asked you the question.

Ask the question again.

How much did, uh, you guys have to pay Shannon--?

[BABBLING SARCASTICALLY]

It was a lot of money until she saw this, sir. Hold on.

[MOUTHS] No.

No. Not there.

And the wife and Nana’s there. And Jeff.

But, sir, come back.

Come on.

Ask Kevin. How much was it? How much did she get paid?

I’d like to know too. Not a lot. Not a lot.

See? Almost free, sir. She got paid--

She got paid to be in the movie... Try me out.

...but the kissing was for free.

[LAUGHS]

And, uh...

how many practice takes did you get with her?

He made sure a lot.

I was like, "Make sure I’m gonna--"

That’s how I made 200 bucks. It’s really not the same as if--

You know, like, if I found someone here,

and brought her in the back.

Because it’s like, "Action," and you’re like:

Which is as a big a hint as, "I like Tim Hortons."

What? What? Tim Hortons?

A hint. A hint of...?

Because you’re like,

"It’s not the same as if I found someone--"

If I get to fuck

someone here tonight? There it is.

Whoo, yeah.

MAN: We love you for free!

[CHUCKLES]

I saw a--

What? I saw a girl go, "Whoo!"

Are you raising your hand?

What?

Wait, wait. What are we doing?

I just-- She raised-- Come up to the mike, ma’am.

[CHEERING, WHOOPS]

[MEWES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[KEVIN LAUGHING]

He mentioned having sex. And then you were like, "Whoo!"

What’s that about? What's that all "aboot," eh?

He’s fucking hot.

He’s the hottest piece of ass I’ve ever seen.

Sir.

What?

So we’re gonna fuck, you’re saying?

What now, sir?

[MEWES SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

You want--?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN: Use the thumb!

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Throw some half-half-whole up in that piece.

KEVIN: Wait. Wait, wait, no.

Show them what half-half-whole is, sir.

Show them what half-half-whole is.

You saw it. It’s-- You show them. Do half-half--

No, I’m not doing it. Dude, you have to do it.

Keep going.

Listen-- I don’t know.

I don’t want to. It’s your signature move, sir.

Let the people know what half-half-whole is.

I don’t wanna do it. Just a little taste.

On the spot, I can’t do it. You just did it. Just--

It’s the half-- I can’t do it.

I’ll do the voice, you do the move.

Ready? All right.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen.

Jason Mewes, half-half-whole.

Sex with Jason Mewes. Ready?

Half, half, whole.

[CHUCKLES]

Then you gotta give the swivel head.

Give the swivel head. Ready?

Half-half-whole, swivel head.

[CHUCKLES]

There’s more, there's more. Wait, ready?

Wait.

Oh, he’s not done yet, ma’am.

Because after the half-half-whole

comes this... slight moderation.

Ready?

Half, half, whole.

Swivel.

Ah.

Is there more? One more.

What is it? You’ll see. Ready?

You know it. You know it.

I just got to follow you? Follow me. Here we go.

[CHUCKLES] Follow--

I don’t know what we’re doing.

You’ll follow-- You’ll hear it. All right.

Half, half, whole.

Swivel.

Hide behind a rock.

[SPEAKER WHOOPING]

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

[MOUTHS] Thank you. Thank you.

[MOUTHS] Thank you.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

MAN: Hi, Kevin. [ALL WHOOPING]

She loves Kevin Smith, really.

Kevin Smith, he’s brilliant.

Ladies and gentlemen... Kevin Smith.

[APPLAUSE & CHEERING]

That was, uh...

That was a really-- That was a sweet reaction.

That almost, almost makes up for the fact that...

you know, Charles is gonna marry Camilla.

[LAUGHTER]

Almost.

This is a very intimate room.

When I heard "theater," I was like, "Right on, theater."

But this is kind of like, uh... Affleck’s living room.

Except not as many whores, I don’t think.

Um...we have a few, uh, members of the British press

in attendance tonight as well.

So, uh, if you see people writin’ shit down,

punch ’em in the face.

Not really.

Punch ’em in the nuts.

Uh, British press I’ve had, uh, you know,

a decent relationship with.

I haven’t really gotten beaten the shit out of,

like some people, but last time I was here,

I got into a bit of a row, as they say,

with some fuckin’ chavs in the British press.

That’s the thing, they weren’t even chavs.

If they were chavs, I could’ve gotten along with them,

but they were just... three fuckin’ cunts.

I don’t say that in the charming, British,

like, "Oh, you fuckin’ cunt." I say it in the hardcore,

American, like, "You dirty fuckin’ cunt!"

These three broads, they call themselves the 3am Girls,

they write for the Mirror, is that it?

[CROWD GROANS]

So you’ve heard of them.

We were coming over, and, uh, to do a Jersey Girlpremiere,

and, of course, Affleck, at the last minute--

Well, not "of course." We all expected he was going.

But suddenly came down with bronchitis--

Hence his new nickname, "Bronchifer."

- -and, um, had to bow out.

So it was me and the little girl, Raquel Castro,

who’s in the movie, who wound up doin’ all the press,

which was, you know, weird, ’cause nobody knows her

and what do you ask an 8-year-old anyway?

Like, "What do you wanna be when you grow up?"

Because the kid’s like, "Fuck you, I’m it. I'm acting."

Um, and then me, who wasn’t really in the movie.

Basically, I was the guy who was just making excuses

for the movie apparently, most of the time.

So it was, uh--

It was kind of a lackluster premiere

and it was heralded in the 3am Girls’ column by, um--

You know, I never forget anything, so I bring shit.

I, uh, have an elephant-- Elephantine-like memory.

And ass.

And, um, so this is--

This is what they said, initially:

"Surprise, surprise, Ben Affleck has pulled out

of the U.K. premiere of movie turkey..."

[GROANS]

"...Jersey Girl, in which he starred alongside

"ex-fiancée Jennifer Lopez.

"The star was due to attend tonight’s screening

"with director Kevin Smith and young actress Raquel Castro,

"but the 31-year-old is staying away because he has,

ahem, bronchitis."

The "ahem" is just like--

Just dig it in, you know?

So anyway, this is the part that really stood out to me.

It’s a quote. "'It’s a shame Ben has pulled out

"because it’s obvious this film needs all the publicity

it can get,’ says an insider."

Now, A, we didn’t want publicity on the movie.

We had too much of it. Sadly, all bad.

But the thing that really bugged me,

who the fuck is the insider?

Like a British insider? Like, who was it?

’Cause there weren't-- As far as I know,

there were no Brits in the cast or the crew.

And I checked.

’Cause I said "cunt" an awful lot.

If you say it here, people are like,

"Right on, mate," you know.

You say it back home, they’re like, "Oh...'cunt’?"

"Ugh."

As if people don’t like it.

As if we were in Toronto.

Um, so, uh, the quote, or the insider, went on to say,

"It’s unusual for none of the big stars

"to put in an appearance,

and it says a lot about what they think of the movie."

What? So who is this fuckin’ random person,

and why do they have so much to say, and why--?

Is their finger really on the pulse and shit?

Like they know so much about Hollywood.

So we’re at the premiere that night,

and this chick, Caroline Hedley, who is one of the 3am Girls.

Hedley. You know, right there.

Most people are named, you know, back in the day,

for what they did, like--

I’m Smith, presumably somewhere in my line I had a blacksmith.

Hedley?

That says "cocksucker" to me.

[APPLAUSE]

So...

So I’m meeting with Caroline Hedley,

and of course I fuckin’ remembered her name

and her atrocious-looking face from the-- From the byline.

So I said, "Hey, what’s up? Who’s the insider?

"Why are you trashing the movie without giving it a shot?

"Why do you have to write like that?

"Why does it always have to be negative?

"Can’t it be positive and shit?

"Little girl’s here, first time in England,

she’s in the movie, and why--?" And she’s like,

"You know what, you’re right. You’re turning me around here."

And I was like, "I am?" And I said, "Right on."

So I started givin’ her a pretty decent interview.

Then she wrote this.

"It’s obvious to everyone else that Ben Affleck and J. Lo

"do not a good movie make.

"But at least the director of their latest flick

has the grace to admit as much."

Um...

"The pair dubbed ’Bennifer' made Jersey Girl

before their rather acrimonious split earlier this year."

Now, this is my quote. This is the guy saying--

This is the director, um, having "the grace to admit as much."

"’I think from now on I’m gonna have

a no-couples rule in my movie,’ he said."

That’s me.

"The negative vibe surrounding them has definitely taken away

some of the business we could have done."

Is that really me admitting to anything,

or going, like, "I’m so fuckin' sorry.

"This is the worst thing that’s happened to humanity

"since the Holocaust,

"and I don’t know what I was thinkin’.

Please, mea culpa, mea culpa"?

No, not at all.

But this is the really weird thing.

She refers to me as "the movie’s fat, bearded,

"hobbit-look-alike...

director, Kevin Smith."

Now, I’ll take fat and bearded...

and you can throw in sweaty...

but hobbit-like?

Like, if I’m a hobbit, this bitch is an orc.

But the thing that really bitched me out the most,

the thing I really couldn’t stand, was the insider thing

’cause it's just so vague, right?

Anybody-- You could just make shit up and be like,

"Insider told me. Total insider."

And I think, in this case,

it meant some dude was fuckin’ inside her.

But two can play at that game,

because I did some investigating of my own,

and insiders tell me,

vis-à-vis, regarding the 3am Girls,

that for a euro,

not a pound, mind you, a fucking euro,

you could take any one of the 3am Girls

and brick in her fuckin’ mouth.

Now, mind you, I don’t know if that's true.

It’s just what some insiders told me.

Seemed credible.

But these British press people aren’t anything like that

so don’t punch 'em in the fuckin’ face.

I changed my mind in the middle of that story.

Um, all right, so enough about fuckin’ me.

Let’s-- Let's go over to you guys

and then come back to me.

So who’s got the mike first?

This side of the room. You got it?

You got the mike?

Yeah, it’s a real hand-raising--

And don’t, you know-- Jut right the fuck--

Be American about it. Like, "Hey, I demand things!

"It is my right, according to our Constitution

that we piss all over."

First question of the night, sir. Set the tone.

Okay. First of all, on behalf of everyone here,

thanks a lot for coming over to England.

It’s great to have you here.

Thank you, very grateful... to be here. Thank you.

Thank you. My question is regarding

your, uh, fictional cartoon characters

Bluntman and Chronic. Yes.

Is there a chance that we might see

a Bluntman and Chronicmovie at some point?

And also, if you don’t make one,

is there a particular Marvel or DC comic character

that you’d like to make a movie about,

seeing as you’ve already starred in Daredevil.

So basically, in England there’s a 46-part question?

It’s never as simple as like, "Who would you fuck?"

I’m like, "Well, um..."

Let’s take it piece by piece.

I’ve gotta wait for you to get around the room,

so I’ve gotta get it all in now.

Right, right. Cram it all in there.

Exactly. I understand. I grew up fat.

So I always understand the feeling of like,

"This might be my last meal."

That’s why that's-- You feel my pain, thank you.

You got--? Oh, really? Let me see your gut.

You don’t look that fat.

You’re sitting next to a chick? Do you know him? No?

You will by the end of the night.

I’m gonna romance you two.

For each other.

Oh, you’re with him? Fuck that guy.

Um, why--? He seems rather fit.

Go for the heavy guy.

Heavy guys are awesome lovers.

Once you get past the grotesque swinging gut.

Heavy guys try harder

because they’ve got a lot to make up for.

And they’re so fuckin' slobberingly grateful

for even the tiniest piece of pussy they’re thrown,

you will be eaten out

like you’ve never been eaten out before.

You’ll be eaten out like a man coming off a desert island

diggin’ into a chicken.

I mean, you do have the skills to back this up, right?

I would hate to go this distance and have you be like,

[BRITISH ACCENT] "Sorry, I like cock, you know."

So Bluntman and Chronic.

Are we ever gonna make a Bluntman and Chronicmovie?

Came close. And that’s what eventually became

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Like, I had initially thought,

"Hey, maybe a whole movie about Bluntman and Chronic."

Um, and I forget who I ran it past.

I think I ran it past Mewes, and I was like,

"What about us as superheroes the whole movie?"

He was like, "You really wanna do that?"

And I was like, "Wouldn’t it be cool?

We can do, like, a fake comic-book movie."

He’s like, "You’re gonna wear tights?"

I was like, "You’re right, maybe just a scene."

’Cause we don't need that.

So, no, probably no Bluntman and Chronicfeature.

Um, maybe in the comic-book form.

Maybe I’ll get around to doing another

Bluntman and Chroniccomic,

but I can’t see myself doing a whole--

A whole feature about it.

And what about the sort of X-Mentype character angle?

Would you ever think about doing like a Batman

or Supermantype movie? Or a Fantastic Four?

Do, like, a big comic-book movie? Yeah.

Um, at one point I was attached,

and still am, kind of, to The Green Hornet.

I was gonna-- You know, I was doing Superman

at one point a long time ago.

But, um-- And we won’t talk about that anymore.

But I was attached to do Green Hornet

up till recently when I decided to not direct it.

I wrote it. I turned in a first draft, turned in a second draft,

but I don’t wanna direct it, ’cause for me

I just don’t have the patience to do a movie like that.

Like, Harvey Weinstein, the chairman of Miramax is like:

"You wanna do the Green Hornetmovie?"

And I was like, "You wanna give me--?

"You wanna give me a comic-book movie?

I love comic books."

He’s like, "That’s why I asked you."

Said, "I would fuckin’ love to do it."

And it was one of those things that you’re so happy to get

that you don’t think about it until, you know,

the smoke is fuckin’ cleared,

and it’s announced and shit like that,

that you have no interest in doing it whatsoever.

Like, I love watching comic-book movies,

but makin’ one? Fuckin’ boring.

Like, the few times I’ve actually had to shoot

an action sequence,

what passed for an action sequence,

in some of the flicks we’ve done,

it’s always so tedious and fuckin’ slow

and it’s just, like, you grab this little piece here,

then you shoot that fuckin’ until it’s right,

then you grab this little piece here.

It’s a series of cuts. Whereas, shooting dialogue,

it’s just people shooting the shit,

and they’re saying the dialogue you wrote,

and I’m kind of in love with my own shit,

so it’s just fun.

I’m like, "That's great, let’s do it again."

Like, "It wasn’t good enough?"

I’m like, "It was great, I just wanna hear it again."

Action sequences take like a day to shoot,

and at the end of the day, when you cut it together,

it’s, like, maybe 10 seconds of screen time.

So that kind of shit’s boring to me.

Also, I just don’t have it in me to be a real,

like, visual, visceral director.

Like, I’m not the guy-- My version of the Green Hornet

would be, like, the Green Hornet and Kato

leaning against the Black Beauty,

the amazing super car that can do anything,

and talking about, you know, pussy.

I mean, it’s that simple.

And then Kato would just be like,

"Hey, is that a crime happening over there?"

Pointing off-camera.

And we wouldn’t even pan to it.

And Green Hornet would be like, "Yeah, you’re right.

We should do somethin’ about it. Let’s roll, Kato."

And then they step out of the frame

and we hold on the car, and we just hear shit.

Ass-kicking, and then the two come back

and they’re just like:

"So where was I?

"Oh, totally, dude.

Anal sex has nothing to do--"

You know, and just go on from there.

And nobody wants to make that movie.

Like, if I could get away

with making that version of the movie,

like, the least visually interesting

comic-book movie of all time,

that’s essentially, like, one of my chick--

One of my flicks, but just puttin’ motherfuckers in masks,

I’d do it, but nobody will finance that.

And the thing is, once you take a budget--

Like, the budget in Green Hornetis gonna be

like 50, 70, 80 million bucks.

Once you take a budget,

you have to start listening to other people.

It’s no longer your flick.

Like, Green Hornet would never be my movie.

It would always be, like, this movie

that was kind of noted to death

because, wisely, the people who invest the money in it,

which would be Miramax,

or whatever the new company Miramax becomes,

or Harvey and Bob become when they leave Miramax,

um, they would wanna make back their investment.

You don’t make your money back doing my version of the movie.

So essentially they’d be like,

"An action beat has gotta happen every 10 pages."

You gotta follow a formula.

Like, you’d hear a lot of like, "Do it like Spider-Man."

Something like-- What, he should shoot fuckin’ webs

and...act really stiffly? I--

I was gonna say, if you were to make it

would you put Affleck in the, uh, leading role?

I would totally cast Affleck. Totally, totally.

I would cast that dude in anything.

Anything whatsoever. Yeah, Green Hornet.

I’d cast him as Green Hornet and Kato.

Just have him doing a really insulting Asian accent.

Do split-screen, have him talk to himself.

"Kato, do you like pussy?"

[ASIAN ACCENT] "Oh, me ruv pussy!"

Just where critics were like, "We don’t even know what to say.

"He’s fuckin' lost his mind.

Yeah, it’s funny, but he lost his mind, you know?"

So, no, you’ve got to give movies like that

to people like Bryan Singer.

Like, you know, I love-- He did the X-Men,he did X-Men 2.

And I love those movies. He’s doing Supermannow.

And I love fuckin’ X-Men 2.

I thought that was an insanely well-made comic-book movie

and balanced a lot of storylines and shit like that.

And just it works so well ’cause it’s just one big, gay parable.

You know, essentially X-Men is about bein’ gay

and how weird it is to live in a world

surrounded by people who are like,

"Ew, you’re gay."

So it’s totally entertaining. But meanwhile, you know,

most people don’t view it like that.

Most people view it, you know, the way it’s presented

where fuckin’, you know, Toad is gettin’ the shit

beat out of him by Cyclops or some such shit.

Or Wolverine is taking on fuckin’, um--

Colonel Stryker’s attacking--

The team attacking, you know, the mansion.

But me, I’m sitting there goin', "This is all about bein’ gay."

You know, so you come out of the theater,

and little kids are like, "I love Wolverine.

Snikt, snikt, snikt!"

And you’re like, "Come here, come here.

"You like Wolverine, dude?

"’Cause if you like Wolverine, it’s pretty much sayin'

"that you’d put a cock in your mouth.

"Let me explain shit to you

about what a gay parable this movie is."

Then you drop science on, you know,

a little 10-year-old for about 20 minutes,

and, by the end, you send him off into the world,

ready to eat cock.

’Cause that's what the X-Menmovie is.

It’s just preparing a whole next generation of kids

to be like, "Hey, it’s all right to be gay.

"I’m down with it. Wolverine’s gay.

That fat guy told me he is."

So I’m kinda hopin' Bryan Singer takes, like, Superman

and just turns that into a gay parable as well.

Just make it all about how Superman’s gay,

and Lois is like, "Oh, Superman!"

And he’s like, "Whatever. Hey, Jimmy...

[CHUCKLES]

I see you have a camera."

So, I don’t-- Give it to those cats.

Those cats know how to make movies like that.

You know, I don’t know how to make movies like that

and really not that interested.

Like, as soon as the smoke cleared from--

From Green Hornet

and the fallout of Jersey Girl, I was just like:

"You know what, fuck, I’d rather make a small movie."

I’d rather make something cheap. And that’s eventu--

Then we were working on the Clerks XDVD,

the 10th anniversary DVD.

And I was like, "This is what I’d rather do,

go back and see what these dudes are about."

It’s like making The Green Hornet,

just takin’ off the mask.

Well, my version of The Green Hornet.

But just takin’ off the mask.

So that’s where I switch and was just like,

"This is what I’d rather-- This is what I’m made to do."

Like, "This is what I like to do, shit like this."

I love to watch comic-book movies,

just don’t wanna make 'em. Too lazy.

Way too lazy.

Because they just require too much effort and shit like that.

I’m the guy who, like-- I don’t even fuck on top, sir.

Like, I’m a bottom guy

because being on top takes too much energy.

Like, how can I direct a superhero movie

if I won’t even have--

Give my wife the courtesy of climbing aboard.

Where I’m just like, "Go."

Maybe you’re looking to be the antihero in that?

In my relationship with my wife?

Like I’m the villain and shit?

I hadn’t thought about it like that.

I guess so.

My idea of being Lex Luthor is like, "No, you fuck me."

"Don’t you wanna take over the world?"

"No... I just don’t wanna do the fucking,

"’cause I get sweaty, and then the gut swings.

"Just, you jump onboard and tell me when you’re done.

And then I’ll wrap up, and we’ll watch some TV."

So no Bluntman and Chronic.

Thanks a lot. Right on.

Upstairs. WOMAN: Hello.

Hello. Where are you? I’m actually up here.

You missed me. Hello.

One, I think you’re great.

I love all your movies and your comics. Thank you.

[BRITISH ACCENT] "Comics."

Your comics. So cute. "Comics."

[GIGGLES]

"I’ve never read one ’cause I'm a girl."

That is not true! You read comics?

I’ve got loads. You’re a comic-reading chick?

Yes. Right on. Hardcore.

Got over 300.

You must be fuckin’ swamped in a comic-book store.

I used to work at Forbidden Planet, I’ve got access.

Really? You worked there? Yeah.

You know half those dudes came in

they didn’t even give a shit about comics,

they were just like,

[BRITISH ACCENT] "She’s got boobies."

Big ones, I know.

[BRITISH ACCENT] "She’s one of those, what do you call them?

What do you call them, Gordon?"

"Ladies." "Yes.

"She’s one of them ladies.

Hello, love."

My accent is not that bad. It’s not that bad?

I got a comic-book store. I know what I’m talkin' about.

Same shit, they just don’t have the cute accent.

I’ll come work in your shop then.

Yeah. Oh, please do.

We’d triple business.

We’d triple foot traffic.

I don’t know if anybody would buy anything unless you said,

"Who wants to buy this, I rubbed it on me bum."

Then you’d see motherfuckers trample one another

to get a book that touched a lady’s bum.

I hope you got a question.

Uh, my question is, like, you listed Shaun of the Dead

as one of your top-10-favorite films of last year--

I loved Shaun of the Dead.

Would you consider working with them?

[CHEERING]

That’s so easy, man. You just come to the fuckin’--

Do the hometown favorites.

You’re like, "I love Shaun of the Dead,"they’re like,

"Woo! So did we. We’re fucking British."

I love The Office."Woo!

He’s a smart one, he is." I don’t like The Office.

You don’t like The Office? No.

Get out.

You didn’t like The Office?

No. Officeis brilliant.

Wow. It takes all sorts.

That job I offered you? Forget it.

It does take all sorts. So anyway, your question was?

Would you consider working with them?

Would I consider working with the bunch

that did Shaun of the Dead?

I mean, yeah, if they were like,

"Hey, you wanna be in our movie?

Try to ruin it like you ruin all yours?"

I just can’t imagine they would--

They don’t need help, man.

They’re-- Those dudes are doing great.

I never saw Spaced, is that what it’s called?

Yeah. It’s really scary. Until I was flying over

and watched an episode on the plane.

Fuckin’ brilliant. It’s really, really cool.

So I’m gonna grab like--

I guess the first three seasons are out over here?

There’s only two. Only two?

Yeah, we’ve been bugging them for the third season

for quite a long time now.

When you say "we," who do you mean?

The British public.

[BRITISH ACCENT] Me and my bloke.

We go to the network, we’re like where's three, eh?

It’s like the first question that’s always asked,

like, "What’s a Nubian?"

"When’s season three coming out?" "Oh, for fuck’s sake."

They get that question a lot, do they?

And then they’re like, "Wait a second,

you’re one of them ladies."

Yeah, so I like that.

I thought that was really funny and kind of very much in the--

Looked and felt like Shaun of the Dead.

So now I wanna see all that.

I love those dudes, I don’t think they’d need help.

Seem to have their own crew going.

Call them.

Next time they work an event, I’ll tell them to call you.

Right on. I think I’m gonna see 'em.

I think-- I’m doing the Empire Awards.

I’m getting an Empire Award.

Empiremagazine has an awards thing they do every year

and they’re giving me an award.

And I think those dudes are gonna be there,

so I’m gonna hit 'em up.

Be like, "Can I be in one of your movies?"

They’re like, "I think the fat Clerksguy...

"wants to be in one of our shows.

No."

Thank you very much. "J. Lo lover."

Thank you. Thank you.

Down here. Yes, sir?

Uh, yeah, a while ago you, um, did the commentary,

the director’s-cut commentary, with, uh, Richard Kelly.

I did the Donnie Darko commentary, yes.

Just, basically, I wanted to know, A, how that came about,

and B, there was a kind of phrase that you said

where you kind of said to Richard,

"Now you’ve done Donnie Darko,

"people are wanting you to remake this film,

like, over and over."

And you said that’s basically how you felt with Clerks.

I was just gonna ask, with hindsight,

would you actually consider going back

and maybe have done Jersey Girlearlier

or maybe have done something without Jay and Bob?

Um, would I--?

Well, I don’t think now, having done Jersey Girl,

I don’t think I’d ever make another movie

without Jay and Silent Bob.

’Cause people are like, "Are they in it? No? Fuck it.

Fuck it."

So, uh, but, uh, no, I don’t think I'd ever do--

I’d have ever done anything differently, looking back.

I really kind of like the way the dominoes fell.

You know, and it sucked that Jersey Girl

didn’t do more business,

but, like, whatever, it doesn’t make me go and wanna go back

and to catch the fuckin’ DeLorean, jump back in time

and nearly have sex with my mother.

For the record, I took my brother to see Jersey Girl,

and he said it was your Annie Hall,

which I think is a really big compliment.

And he said what? He said it was your Annie Hall.

My Annie Hall?

I thought he was like, "It was your only hole."

What is that? British slang for, like, "good job"?

It’s your only hole, mate.

You’re only fucking hole,

you fucking cunt.

Annie Hall? He called it my Annie Hall?

That’s very sweet.

I basically mumble ’cause some fat guy told me

about Wolverine was gay, you see.

Right.

So you’re gay?

Not really. No?

Lot more options when you’re gay.

Shit’s opened up. I was at a comic-book show and, uh...

Pun intended.

I was at a comic-book show in San Francisco

about two weeks ago, the WonderCon,

and at the same time, across the street

they were having this big bear convention.

You know about the bear movement?

Like, where big dudes who look like me,

and, if I may, like you, who are kind of,

you know, hairy and large,

are referred to in the gay community as "bears."

And there apparently are a bunch of dudes

who like dudes who look like us.

Those dudes are called cubs.

Or twinks.

But I like "cubs." That’s cute.

So apparently, like, these dudes make out like--

Like my friend Malcolm Ingram. Big, big burly dude.

I don’t know, you might’ve seen him in stuff.

He directed Drawing Flies,

and he’s been around some of our stuff.

Great guy. Big Canadian idiot.

But one day he was just like-- He called me up--

And he, you know, never represented himself

as being anything but into chicks.

Then one day he called me up like,

"Yeah, fuckin’ weirdest thing happened, eh?"

I was like, "What is it?"

He said, "I went out with some dude.

Went out to dinner, and turned out it was a fuckin’ date."

And I was like, "What?" And he was just like,

"I just thought I was goin’ out to dinner with a fuckin’ dude,

"and it was the fuckin’ date load.

"All of a sudden, we were on a date.

He told me he was gay and we were on a date, eh?"

I was like, "Well, did you then accept the fact

that you were on a date or--?"

He was like, "Well, you know, he was payin’."

So, um-- So that was Malcolm’s--

Years later, I realized that was

Malcolm’s very charming way of saying,

"Hey, I’m gay," without just saying, "Hey, I’m gay."

He acted like he got fuckin’ hornswoggled into bein’ gay.

"Some dude bought me a pizza,

"and all of a sudden I’m gay. Go figure.

Well, I guess that’s what I am, you know."

So Malcolm told me, Malcolm’s like,

"Dude, fucking A, if you liked guys,

"you’d be huge in the bear community

"because, you know, you fuckin’ make movies,

and you’re very sexy to cubs."

And I was like, "What?"

And he was like, "Truly.

You wanna see? This is a picture of my boyfriend."

And Malcolm whipped out a picture of his boyfriend

and this-- I would fuck this dude.

Like this dude’s real, like, Joe-college cute

and shit like that. Like real good-lookin’ dude.

And the fact that he wants to fuck Malcolm is like...

I wanna get the kid some therapy. Some help.

’Cause I got no problem with him being gay,

but, like, being gay and wantin’ to fuck Malcolm?

Like, you’re like, "I’m choosing a life

"of nothing but fuckin’ ridicule

"and people fuckin’ gettin’ on my ass

"and I can’t fuckin' do what straights fuckin’ do

"without hearin’ it from the fuckin’ church,

and I’m gonna fuck the fat bearded guy too," you know?

Like just make it a little bit harder on himself.

So Malcolm’s like, "I'm telling you, man, fuckin’ you're--

"If this straight thing don’t work out for you,

you can totally fuckin’ fuck a lot of guys."

And I was like, "All right, man, that’s-- That's good to know."

’Cause it would just kind of open up a world of options.

He’s like, "You go to a fuckin’ bear bar,

you’d be Marilyn Monroe."

And that’s when I started thinkin’ about it.

’Cause I always kind of wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe.

That didn’t pan out for me.

So I’m like, "Essentially these dudes are like chubby chasers?"

He’s like, "Yeah, you know,

you don’t have to be mean about it."

And I was like, "Well, I married a chubby chaser, apparently."

He’s like, "Well, but, you know, she don’t have a dick."

And that’s when we moved on to another topic.

So, yeah, bears, dude. If you ever think about--

Fuckin’, y-you'd make out.

Apparently. Yeah.

You like chicks, though?

Uh, yeah. I haven’t found one in about 10 years though, so...

CROWD: Awww...

Time to try the guys. I know.

What was your question, though?

I mean, basically, the whole Donnie Darkothing was, um,

’cause you're-- Apparently you’re in Southland Tales?

I’m in Richard's movie Southland Tales.

He cast me in it. I don’t know if I'm in it yet.

We haven’t shot yet.

It’s just kind of,

the whole kind of, um... second-movie thing.

I mean, if-- If you could go back in time,

would you do Mallratswith Miramax rather than Universal?

Yeah, basically, if I could’ve--

If I could go back in time, um,

and narrowly avoid sleeping with my mother like Marty McFly,

um, I would, uh-- I wouldn’t have made the movie--

I wouldn’t have made Mallrats at Universal.

I would’ve waited another year and then made it at Dimension.

’Cause at that point Dimension existed

as this kind of genre offshoot of Miramax,

but they didn’t do comedy,

they only did shit like The Crow.

So a year later, they started doin’ genre comedy as well.

So we could totally fit right in there.

Which is where we wound up doing Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

So that was about it.

I mean, that would be the only thing

I would kinda think about changing.

But I don’t really have any regrets

regarding doing Mallrats at Universal.

I mean, I did on opening weekend,

when the movie did, like, no business.

But then the movie found its audience.

It was kinda this wonderful, organic discovery

of its audience, and the audience discovered it,

And suddenly it felt like,

"Well, that’s the way it was supposed to happen."

I just wish somebody told me

when I had the fuckin’ shotgun in my mouth.

The day after the movie opened, you know, where I was just like,

"Oh, it’s over."

But I didn’t have any bullets. Um, so--

So I-I don’t think I would have changed that.

Southland Talesis a movie Richard Kelly is doing.

For those of you who don’t know him,

he’s the guy who directed Donnie Darko.

Um, and he was like, "Hey, you wanna be in this flick?"

And I was like, uh, "Right on."

Because you ask me to be in a movie, I’m like, "Okay."

’Cause I'm kind of a whore for that thing,

that kind of shit. So, um, I said, "What do I do?"

And he was just like, "You’re a guy who--

"You’re kind of like a Harry Knowles kind of guy.

"You run an internet site.

"It’s not really a movie, it’s called Southland Tales.

"You traffic in Southland section of Los Angeles gossip,

kind of like a Drudge." And I was like, "Right on."

So, you know, I read it. Brilliant script.

I was like, "Oh, I’m totally in."

A month ago, he wrote me an email. He’s going,

"Um, I’m doing a redraft of your character,

"and you’re still the guy who you are,

but now you’re a Iraqi-war vet, and you have no legs."

[LAUGHTER]

So I was like, "Like Lieutenant Dan?"

He said, "Kinda like that."

He’s goin', "Also, I was wondering,

"and I hope you don’t take this too personally,

"but I was wondering if--

Do you think you could lose 50 pounds to do it?"

And I was like, "If you chop off my legs,

I will lose 50 pounds."

I said, "Other than that, unless you’ve got, like,

"you know, gastric bypass in your budget,

that’s really not gonna happen, Richard."

He’s like, "Right, right. What about shaving your head?"

And I was like, "No. That shit’s goin' thin already.

Like, I’m not gonna speed the plow on that one. Fuck it."

He was like, "All right. But you will pretend you have no legs?"

I was like, "Yeah, that’s easy."

He’s like, "Right on." Click. ’Cause he's just, you know--

He’s the most normal guy you’ll sit there and talk to.

He’s a dude from Virginia and shit.

Real straight-laced. Good guy. Talk movies and shit.

But, like, then you see Donnie Darko,and you’re like--

Credits roll, and you’re like, "What the fuck happened?

What happened in that movie?"

And I ask him, and he still can’t fuckin' explain it.

Southland Tales, you can understand.

It kind of-- Like, it makes sense.

But Donnie Darko, still to this day,

is fuckin’ mystifying.

And he-- I don’t even think he knows what the fuck it means.

I think he just shot a bunch of shit, threw it in the air,

taped it back together and said, "Here it is."

And people were like, "It’s brilliant!"

Especially here. They fuckin’ loved it here.

You guys ate it up like fuckin’ candy over here.

In the states, people are like, "Pfft."

But here they were like, "Darko.

Darko’sour religion," you know.

Richard is very, very happy with the reception of the movie here.

I told him I was comin’ over here, and he was like,

"They love my movie there, dude."

I was like, "I’ll be sure to drop your name."

He’s like, "But don't tell ’em the role

I want you to play in Southland Tales."

I said, "I won’t."

We good?

Thanks very much. Thank you, sir.

Yes? WOMAN: In Jersey Girl

one of the funniest bits, I found,

was the whole Will Smith storyline.

Yes.

I just wondered how you managed to get him in the film.

Did you have a special contract

where he was contractually obligated

not to do any of his raps?

[LAUGHING]

[APPLAUSE]

That’s one very long question

that just builds up to you fuckin’ slammin' Will Smith.

You don’t even wanna know anything.

You’re just like, "I’m going to ask a question

"and totally make fun of Will Smith.

The floor is mine."

I think he’s great, but the raps are a bit dodgy.

They’re dodgy, are they?

You don’t go for like, "Get Jiggy Wit It"?

It’s a shame.

I’ll let him know.

You are a white girl, though.

I don’t know if he really writes for you.

How did we get him?

Um, it was, basically-- There was a contract involved.

It was a contract he had to sign that said

that this would be the lowest-grossing movie

he’s ever been in.

’Cause that movie-- Like, he opens in movies

and just fuckin’, boom-boom, they fuckin’ explode and shit.

We were probably the lowest-grossing movie

that dude’s done in 10 years and shit.

I’m sure he looks at his track record, he’s like,

"Hundred million, 100 million, 100-- What the fuck’s that?

It goes off the chart."

"That’s Jersey Girl.""Ohhh.

"Fuckin’ fat guy.

Ruined my edge."

How did we do it? We got him through Ben and Jen, really.

’Cause I sent him the scene and shit,

and sent him a letter--

Originally, it was written for Bruce Willis

’cause it was set in '86, and it was around that period

where Bruce Willis thought he was a singer

for a little while.

I don’t know if you all remember that? When he was Bruno?

And he released an album as Bruno?

When you pick up the album, you’re like,

"That looks like Bruce Willis."

And people would be like, "Shh. It is."

He did. He released two albums as fuckin’ Bruno and shit.

As if we wouldn’t notice that it was Bruce Willis.

And he’d go on stage, and people would be like,

"You gotta call him Bruno."

I thought that was so funny.

So I wrote about that. Like, basically he ran into--

Basically, the thing that Ollie got fired for

for was for essentially being,

"It’s fuckin' Bruce Willis. It’s not Bruno."

And then later on he met him years later and shit like that.

And we sent it to Bruce Willis, and Bruno, just to be safe.

I never heard back from him.

Ben was just like, "I’ll fuckin' handle this, dude.

"We were in the fuckin’ space-rock movie together.

"Runnin’ from the space rock and shit.

"He’ll fuckin' answer me back

’cause I was like, ’Harry, I love you.'"

You know.

And Harry didn’t answer him back and shit.

Harry’s like, "I don't love you back," you know.

So we never got a response, so I rewrote it.

I was thinkin’, "All right, well, that leaves us out of ’86.

"We can update it.

"And who is, you know, if I count back Gertie’s age,

"who would be the pop-culture figure who was, like, big now

who wasn’t that big then."

And I was like, "Oh, shit, Will Smith."

So I wrote it for Will Smith

and then we got it to him, and he was like,

"You know, I kind of--

"It’s funny, and I'd kind of like to do it,

"but I think if I play myself

people might think I’m arrogant."

’Cause he's such a sweet guy, and so, like, unassuming

"and one of the best people in the business.

Real sweetheart of a fuckin’ dude."

So I was like, "You’ve gotta talk to him, dude."

You’re fu-- You know, to Ben. I was like, "Talk to him.

"Talk that famous-person talk to him and shit.

"Start talking, like, in the millions

"and, uh, whatever you guys make and shit.

"Bentleys, Hummers, throw those words around.

You know, and maybe he’ll say yeah."

So, uh, Ben talked to him and shit, and Ben was just like,

"Look, man, like, don’t worry.

"Like, he’s easy to work with and shit.

"And you’ll come off great.

"And trust me, like, you playing yourself,

"you come off way better than when I played myself

"in this motherfucker’s last movie.

So-- So do it."

So basically, those-- Ben-- And then also Jen talked to him

because they were gonna do a movie together at one point.

Will and Jen, this remake of A Star Is Bornor something.

So she knew him through that.

So they both basically asked him

and spoke to him and made him feel at ease.

And he was like, "All right, I’ll do it."

Showed up, greatest fuckin’-- The sweetest dude in the world.

Just-- No entourage and shit. Nice dude.

And it was weird, like, rehearsing with him

’cause you're, like-- He’d do the lines, I'm like,

"You wouldn’t say it like that."

He’s like, "Well, the hell I wouldn’t.

It’s me, ain't it?" You know.

I’m like, "All right, you’re right.

Get jiggy with it," you know?

What’s the big chav community out here?

Not in this room. Anyone--? Is anyone really--?

What is indicative or representative of a chav here?

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Burberry?

Burberry? Is that a town, or the scarf?

It’s a scarf? So if you wear a Burberry scarf you’re a chav?

So my wife is a chav?

Trousers tucked into socks?

A chav’ll take your wallet?

Good to know.

I know a few chavs.

I brought one with me.

Are you back there, chav?

This shit’s always pretty well-planned.

Is there a chav buried back there anywhere?

Is there one?

Ladies and gentlemen, my chav, Jason Mewes.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

What’s a chav again?

They love me.

Yeah.

It’s amazing.

Why don’t you field some questions, sir?

I’m here. I'm ready. I have a story to tell, though.

Yeah? About your toilets.

Yes.

I think I’m gonna bring the toilets

that you’s have out here ’cause it's really deep

and there’s hardly any water in it.

So I feel bad for the women who have to clean the shit

that, like, slides on the side.

But I was shitting before I came out here.

I know you’s wanted to know that.

But I went to give myself a courtesy flush,

and the water comes from the front

and it fuckin’ splashed all over my balls.

I had to tell that story. I was thinking, I’m--

So I think I’m gonna bring it home,

and I’m gonna put it next to my bidet,

and I’m gonna be able to clean my ass and my balls

before I get my dick sucked.

Isn’t that right?

It’s a really good thing.

But anyway, I thought it was pretty amusing.

My balls are clean now, so if anyone wants to suck my dick.

Ladies, that’s an open invitation.

No? No takers. Or fellas.

And it’ll never get more appealing than that.

A dude whose balls have been washed by toilet water.

It’s gross, though, what--

Like, the women have to clean that shit, you know?

When the water rushed at your balls,

did it mix with the shit water?

No, because it shoots out the front.

It shoots out the front, and it’s so deep

that the shit’s way down anyway.

But it’s, like, there's no water for the shit to, like, go in

so it just slides down the side of the fuckin’...

It’s pretty gross, so--

You just have to deal with it all the time, I guess.

We were on our way here today, and the--

Oh, no. Yes, sir.

The cutest thing happened. We get off--

When you travel international and shit,

you gotta fill out a card, the disembark--

Embarkation card? Disembarking--?

The fuckin’ card you gotta fill out

any time you go some place, like a different country.

And, uh, you know, they ask for your name

and ask for your passport number

and then they ask for, uh, your nationality.

And, you know, we’re American, so I wrote "American."

Then I looked at Jason’s card...

and under nationality he wrote "Polish."

I learned something new today.

You did.

I was like, "What, dude? What?"

He was like, "Well, you know, I’ve got some Polish in me."

I was like, "That’s not what they’re asking there.

They’re asking the country of your birth, sir."

I really didn’t know. No.

I think they thought it was a joke,

like I wrote it as a joke, but, no, I didn’t.

We thought the dude was gonna be like,

[BRITISH ACCENT] "So you’re from Poland then?"

[NO ACCENT] "No."

[BRITISH ACCENT] "Well, that’s funny, 'cause it says here that you’re Polish.

Which isn’t really a nationality."

The guy just let me through because I was laughing so hard.

He was like, "Go."

We were in line laughing, and the dude was like,

"What’s so funny?"

And I was like, "My friend’s a fuckin' idiot."

[BRITISH ACCENT] "Welcome to the U.K."

Yes, sir.

If you could be half man, half sausage,

which way around would you have it and why?

One more time. If I could be half man and half sausage...?

Which way around would you have it and why?

Well, that’s the part that...

Right, so you could have, like, top half man,

bottom half sausage.

Okay, so which end would I rather be the man?

Or top half sausage, bottom half man,

so you can run around. Classic.

Which side--? Which side do I want to be the sausage side?

Oh, yeah.

That is hands down the best question I’ve ever been asked.

Uh, I would choose bottom-half sausage

because then I would finally have a massive dick.

Top half, not real good.

That’s brilliant.

Is it a good enough answer?

Not nearly as brilliant as the question, though.

I’ve seen you cameo on shows and movies and stuff.

Do you just--?

People call you up that admire your work

and ask you to be on these shows,

or do you have like an agent?

Do you actively try and get work?

The only-- There were two shows that I actually pursued.

Or I didn’t-- It wasn't hardly-- It was hardly a pursuit.

It was me going, "Can I do this?"

And somebody was like, "Yeah, I guess."

And one was Law & Order. I was a huge Law & Orderwhore.

And I called up my agent, and I was like,

"You never do anything for me."

He was like, "Excellent way to start a conversation.

I can tell you want something." I said, "Yes, I do.

I would love to be on Law & Order."

He’s going, "What do you wanna play? Like, the fuckin’ suspect?

"You wanna be a lawyer?

You know, one of the defense attorneys?"

I said, "No, I just wanna be the guy

"that leads them to the guy

that leads them to the guy who leads them to the suspect."

He’s like, "Let me see what I can do."

Called back 10 minutes later, he’s like,

"You go to New York next week. You’re in."

I was like, "Woo!"

And I went, and I wound up being the guy who lead them to a guy

who lead them to the guy who lead them to the suspect.

You know, it was fuckin’ awesome.

Yeah, I saw it. It was just fun to do.

It was creepy ’cause I wasn’t expectin'--

You know, Law & Order, in America, is on, like,

pretty much 24 hours a day.

Yeah, basically.

I mean, it’s on like four different channels. USA, NBC...

But anyways, I was watching, I’m like-- TNT.

It’s a good show to watch

when you basically don’t wanna watch anything

because everything’s wrapped up in an hour.

So I’m watching, I’m going, "Yeah--"

Well, that’s like most TV.

Well, I know, I know.

Everything wraps up rather quickly.

Well, anyhow...

So I’m watching it, I'm mildly interested, I go, "Kevin Smith!"

Yeah.

Now I’ve got heightened interest in this one.

That was my reaction, as well, and I knew I was gonna be in it.

What I did was, I went to the mall, to a TV store,

and just hung out there

turned every TV to fuckin’ Law & Orderand waited.

And then when I popped up, I was like, "Kevin Smith!"

And there was one 65-year-old black guy

that was like, "That’s the dude from Leno."

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yes?

Hi, what was it like working with Will Ferrell

and have you got any funny stories about that?

Again?

What was it like working with Will Ferrell?

Will Ferrell.

I don’t know what the fuck you said.

Honestly, I thought you were like,

"What was it like with Boba Fett?" And I was like...

"I don’t know, what was it like with Boba Fett?"

[BRITISH ACCENT] "Well, it was quite nice, actually."

What was it like working with Will Ferrell?

You know, the dude’s hysterical as fuckin’ hell.

Just really, really funny guy.

Constantly, like, makin’ jokes,

but not like, you know, "badda-bump " kinda jokes.

Just constantly funny. Can’t help but be funny.

Even when he tries to be serious,

the dude’s kind of funny.

So, um, no, like, killer fuckin’ stories.

He would come in, shoot, and then go back

’cause he was working on SNL at the same time

so we didn’t get to hang out much.

Do you--? You have any--?

No Will Ferrell stuff?

Nothing. Great guy. No.

Funny. Funny.

Sweet.

Can I ask Jason a question?

Yes, please do.

I was wondering if you’d make my night

and say "snoochie boochies" in a seductive way to me.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

Oh, no.

I don’t know if I can do that.

It’s not a sexy word, is it? Please?

Now you’ve got me on the spot. I don’t know if I can do this.

Hold on. Let me get in the mood.

[DEEP VOICE] Snoochie boochies.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

I tried.

I never had to do that before.

That might work, huh?

Are you a little wet in the pants?

Yeah. You are?

It might work. I’m gonna try that tonight when I go out.

I’ll be like, "Snooch."

Thanks. Thank you.

I’m by myself.

Questions? Anywhere? Fuck this thing. Fuck that.

Fuck these guys.

Duh, um--

WOMAN [IN DISTANCE]: Up here.

Fuck that. You’re too far.

Dude.

Fuck the mike.

It’s my show now.

It’s Evening with Jay Mewes. What?

Do something for us. Do a monologue.

Do a monologue about, um...

eatin’ a clit, lickin' the clit.

Do it.

MAN: Hold on.

Okay. All right.

You say you’re the clit commander.

Can I be your commander in chief?

I like the clit too.

I love the clit. I love the clit.

And I take my-- Just dip it in.

[LAUGHING]

But you’ve gotta get the hood apart.

You’ve gotta just pry the hood apart.

And then just get your tongue in, just underneath there.

And then just tease it, tease it a little bit

with your finger tip,

and then slide underneath the clit and around.

And then inside, inside, inside!

And then back to the clit, back to the clit.

Don’t over do it. Not too hard. Don’t bite.

Never bite the clit. Never suck too hard.

Just lick it, lick it gently.

How was that? Love that.

Was that okay?

If it was my movie, I’d cast you, sir.

Thank you.

If I could cast you, I would.

Thank you. Awesome.

I might want you to eat my ass tonight, sir.

Sorry, I don’t do ass, sir. Oh, come on, sir.

Oh, okay. Maybe in your case I’ll make an exception.

That was awesome.

You know Woody Allen don’t have Q & A's like this.

Um, where were we?

I think she was-- She’s got a mike.

MEWES: Who was it?

Hi, I had a refined question.

But, no, after that.

Me and my friend Neil earlier

were talking about sex euphemisms.

My personal favorite being "pole in the hole."

And Neil’s-- What was yours?

Would you like a portion?

[LAUGHS]

Did you see my man?

WOMAN: Yeah.

You know, she’s--

You know what she said, right? No?

I didn’t hear a word. Sex euphemisms.

Sex euphemisms. My favorite:

Pole in the hole. Pole in the hole.

What’s his name? Neil.

And she goes, "Neil has one. What’s yours?"

And he goes:

She puts the mike down:

"Would you like a portion?"

It was the delivery that was genius.

Brilliant delivery. Would you like a portion?

Right on. That’s my new euphemism.

What’s yours?

It’s that, now.

Would you like a portion? What--? What is mine?

What’s my favorite sex euphemism?

I don’t even really have a dirty one

’cause my wife doesn't let me get away with really dirty ones.

You’re-- What's yours?

How about "give her a couple of inches"?

What’s that? A coup--

A couple inches?

I said, "How about give her a couple of inches?"

That’s a-- Really? Is that what girls say over here?

WOMAN: Maybe just me.

Fuck, we’re in the wrong country.

’Cause you asked for just a couple inches,

that’s what you get from me.

It’s all in. It’s there.

All in. That’s balls deep right there.

Can I ask a nicer question?

Have you ever been watching one of your own movies

and sat there and smugly thought to yourself,

"I am a fucking comic genius"?

No.

I sit there, watch my own movies, and I’m just like,

"Would you like a portion?"

No, I don’t know, I rarely watch the movies anymore, you know,

just ’cause you spend so much time with them, making them,

that you don’t really think about it.

But, you know, you spend one-- That makes no fuckin’ sense.

You spend so much time with the fucking movies,

by the time the movie’s done,

you don’t wanna ever see it again.

Like, I’ve seen every one of those movies

so many fuckin’ times. Then you let some years go by.

Like, ClerksI was only able to appreciate it again recently

’cause I hadn't watched it in a while.

I was like, "It’s pretty fuckin’ good. It's fun.

This dude’s funny."

But, never, never like, "Ooh. I’m a comic genius."

’Cause, like, my man who stood up and did the fucking--

His clit monologue.

And suddenly I’m like, "Well, anybody can do that shit."

He’s lying. You're always just like, "I’m fucking brilliant.

"I’m so...

Mewes, leave."

Come on.

I wanna be alone with myself.

He does.

Would you like a portion?

What, um...?

What is your euphemism for sex?

Um, "Knock the bottom out," you’re talkin' about?

Knock the bottom out.

Knockin’ the bottom out.

Does that work?

I knocked the bottom out.

So hit a girl-- Go ahead, hit her with it.

Come on, I already did the "snooch." Come on.

Yeah, but you would never do that in real life.

Like, "snoochie boochie." No, I wouldn’t.

After, how do you--? How do you approach them?

You just say, "Let me knock the--

Let me knock the fuckin’ bottom out"?

Let me get up in them guts. How do you say it?

I don’t know.

I mean, mine’s more jokey. I’m not really--

Let’s hear it. I don’t know. There's a bunch:

"Knock the bottom out." "Let me get up in them guts."

You do it. What?

Let me--? Let me get up in them guts.

Dude, your mom’s here. Don’t ask me this stuff, sir.

I hate it.

Because you really--? That fucking works on somebody?

N-no, it never works. This is what works.

Not really.

Because that-- Yeah, no...

I’ve got to piss really bad, so I’m leaving.

And I’m gonna smoke a cigarette. Oh.

And I’m gonna go jerk off. All right.

I’m gonna go have my balls washed, okay?

What did he say? What is it? "Let me get up in them guts"?

Is that what he said?

Let me get up in them guts.

Would that work on you, if some dude was like,

"Let me get up in them guts"?

WOMAN: Maybe if it was Jason. Usually not.

Like that, with that harsh, hostile tone?

Let me get up in them guts!

I think I’d be like, "Oh, shit."

Try whispering it.

What is it? Try whispering it.

Try whispering it?

I don’t even think the guy can pull that off.

It’d just sound spooky, wouldn’t it?

There’s nothing fun about that or playful.

Do you like your vag being referred to as "guts"?

[LOW VOICE] Let me get up in them guts.

Bloody hell, no.

You’re the bear.

What was your favorite euphemism?

Pole in the hole? Pole in the hole.

That’s how you refer to it?

Not normally, but it amuses me.

Not normally, though?

No, I understand what pole in the hole means,

but thank you for the demonstration.

Because that was a little-- What does she mean?

Pole in the hole?

That’s when you're sitting around with your girlfriends.

"Oh, we got a little pole in the hole last night.

Hee, hee, hee."

But you don’t say it to your man.

You’re not like, "Come on--"

If I’m out with my lady friends,

it’s "giving away the whole pudding," or--

What is it?

"Giving away the whole pudding."

I didn’t hear that. What?

Giving away the whole pudding.

"Giving away the whole pudding"?

Yes.

You British broads are dirty.

I mean, when you say "the whole pudding,"

you mean H-O-L-E, or W-H-O-L-E?

Like "giving away the whole pudding"

or "giving away the hole pudding"?

Whichever takes your fancy, go for it.

Or a bit of fanny fun.

What was the other one?

A bit of fanny fun.

A bit of funny fur?

Fanny fun.

Fanny fun? MAN: Fanny fun.

Family fun?

Fanny fun.

Spell.

F-A-N-N-Y.

Fanny fun. Like ass play?

PEOPLE: No, no. Not ass play?

WOMAN: "Fanny" here means "fanjita."

What is it?

Pussy.

"Fanny" covers pussy up here as well?

"Fanny" means "pussy" here.

Back home, fanny is your ass. Yeah, no.

It’s not here? No.

That would-- I could see why every British--

British woman I’ve tried to fuck has been very confused.

"Would you like a bit of fanny fun?"

"Oh, Jesus. Yes."

"Hey! Hey! Hey!

I said ’fanny fun.'" "So did I."

So fanny is the front part, the girl part.

It is indeed. It’s literally ass back home.

Like, "I’ll spank you on your fanny." Not here.

Wouldn’t wanna get spanked on your fanny.

Nasty surprises. No.

How many international incidents have been caused

because of that, you know...

Fanny fun. Interesting.

Two company-- What is it, two countries--?

Two countries separated by a common language, is that it?

And it all comes down to "fanny fun." Yes.

And the word "fanny."

That was the cause of the Revolutionary War.

I think so too.

Excuse me. Yes?

After that conversation, what does your mother think

of you and your career?

I don’t know.

Can we ask?

When I knew I was coming over here,

um, you know, I was like,

"Would you would you wanna come and see me do Q & A in England

’cause it's just like doing the Q & A in America,

but everyone sounds smarter."

Except for that broad, but, um...

I forgot that the show tends to be a little bit blue.

She has spent a lot of the show

with her head in her hands, shaking.

Have you really been shaking,

up there just editorializing?

Shaking your head like, "Oh..."

My mother, in the beginning, I remember, when the movies--

When Clerksgot picked up and shit, she was just like,

"I think it’s terrible.

"All they do is curse in the movie,

and I think that reflects poorly on me."

I was like, "Really?"

She’s going, "Everyone’s gonna think

that I raised you with a potty mouth."

And I was like, "Ma, I’ll set 'em straight."

So here’s me doing it.

She-- My mother never cursed at me.

My mother’s one of those people that’s like,

"Oh, H-E, double hockey sticks."

She don’t curse, really.

Until you get her really fuckin’ mad.

And then she’s like, "Fuck that fanny fun."

Thank you. Shoom. Yes?

Um, Jason, I saw R.S.V.P.

Let me get up in them guts.

Did it work? No? All right, whatever.

Yeah, let me find out.

How old are you?

Seventeen. I was gonna say, she’s a child.

Oh, wait.

"I’m 14.

"What guts are you talking about?

Mummy."

I’m out of here. Probation.

R.S.V.P.what?

I saw R.S.V.P. and Tail Lights Fadetoo.

I was wondering, does anyone ever offer you

any other kind of role other than Jay?

Um...here and there.

Here and there. Not a lot, though.

But I’m doing a movie, we start shooting next month.

Uh, this guy Erik who wrote and directed.

It’s called Bottom’s Up.

It’s about fuckin'.

No, but Paris Hilton’s in it.

So hopefully we’ll be fuckin'.

Not really.

But she is in it,

and, uh, I think Paul Walker’s in it.

And some other dude, I don’t know.

It’s like a 3-million-dollar budget.

But, no, you know, no one’s beating my door down

for Batmanor anything like that.

So... Is that the dream?

Why, are you giving me a job offer? You got a movie?

Uh, my friend sort of does.

Not movie. Not a movie.

Just, um, stupid thing.

He’s gonna kill me.

Does this movie involve a video camera and--?

Yes.

And Mewes and--?

No, it’s just skateboarding and things.

GIRL: It’s stupid.

There you go, dude.

I can do some moves, right?

Yeah, you can fuckin’ ollie a bus.

I could kickflip.

Totally. Right?

GIRL: I’ll let him know.

I can’t.

Is that your dream role? Batman?

No, no.

"Nobody’s offering me Batman."

Like if somebody called right now like, brrrp,

"Will you play Batman?"

You’re like, "I’m gone, moves."

No, I don’t-- You wouldn’t do it?

I couldn’t be the Dark Knight, sir.

I couldn’t play that.

What a sincere answer that was.

Not like, "That would never happen,"

or, "You know, it would just--"

"I couldn’t be the Dark Knight, sir."

Thanks so much. Thank you.

Okay, goin’ up.

Yeah.

WOMAN: Good evening to both of you.

It’s a question--

So very British.

"Yes, um, good evening to both of you."

I do have a question for both of you.

If you had the job of deciding the official word of the day,

what would today’s word be and why?

The official word of the day?

Official word of the day.

Can it be a hyphenate word? Sure.

"Fanny-fun."

"Polish."

Thank you. Thank you, good night.

Thanks, that was easy.

Shit, why aren’t they all like that?

Who’s got it over here?

Or you can pass it over to somebody.

Oh, somebody up there.

How are you? What’s up, sir?

Don’t jump, sir, don’t jump.

How old are you?

Uh, 19.

Almost incredible.

What?

Nineteen.

Nineteen. Yeah.

God, you’re dressed--

You dressed formal for tonight’s affair.

You got a button-down shirt and shit.

It’s cold.

Not here, obviously, you know, hmm.

That shirt wards off the cold, does it?

Well, it has, you know,

something of a reverse effect in here,

but it was working out there.

Right on. Right.

What’s your favorite of the John Hughes flicks?

Uh, uh, uh-- Uh, I just thought there was more, but--

That was it.

My favorite of the John Hughes flicks,

it’s not the most-- It’s not the obvious.

I go for the later work. I--

Uh, my favorite was She’s Having a Baby.

Which Jersey Girl was kind of modeled after.

And that movie failed,

and I don’t know why I thought mine would succeed.

Probably should have patterned it

after something like The Breakfast Club,

which was successful. I was gonna say.

I mean, if you’re talking about just the teen movies,

the Breakfast Club.

Or even-- I might even put Weird Science

ahead of the Breakfast Club, just ’cause it's so out there.

But of the entire catalogue of his directed bo--

His directorial body of work,

I’d give it up for, uh-- For She’s Having a Baby.

Thank you.

We have one guy going, "Yes."

Thank you.

Right on.

WOMAN: Hello. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Um, I love, like, standup comedy and stuff like that.

I was just wondering if you have any

particular favorite comedians and stuff like that,

that you like to see, or what so...?

Or stuff like that.

Or stuff like that.

Um, Sam Kinison, George Carlin, Chris Rock, David Cross.

Those are the people I really dig.

Um, what’s his name? Bill Hicks.

No longer with us.

[CROWD CHEERS]

Um, some people like that.

There’s Bill-- Older Bill Cosby stuff I really get into.

Did you ever hear that album

To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With?

No.

I mean, it sounds dirty, but it’s so not.

It’s brilliant. It’s like a 35-minute bit.

One whole half side of a record, back when they made records,

um, that was essentially about two brothers

trying to go to sleep at night. Really, really fucking funny.

He was-- He was great when he wasn’t selling Jell-O.

And, Jay, if he’s paying attention?

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Evidently not.

Favorite comedians.

Oh, what? Come on.

Um, I don’t have a favorite. I like David Cross a lot.

That’s who I've been listening to with him a lot.

But I’m not one to listen to comedians,

like, on tape and stuff, and then watch them on HBO.

I’m not into comedians too much.

Okay, fair enough. Okay, thank you.

JAY: Quick, right?

She’s like, "Fair enough."

I know, but it was more like, "Fuck him."

I don’t know.

Hey, Kevin. Hey, Jay.

BOTH: Hey.

Um, this is one for both of you, really.

Um, if Clerkshad never been made,

what do you think you would be doing right now?

Sucking dick.

Well, I was gonna say, Kevin could probably--

Kevin could probably pimp you out.

But did you have, like, any, like, career plans,

or was anybody bugging you to go to college like Dante,

or anything like that?

Still don’t.

Still lacking a career plan.

Uh, I probably would have been still working

at that convenience store,

’cause that was a really good gig.

Really good, easy gig that I dug doing.

But, uh, that was it.

And I was roofing.

I was putting roofs on houses.

I’d probably be doing the same.

Or sucking dick, I don’t know.

I think it’s cute that you were like, "I was roofing,"

and then you were like,

"Let me explain roofing to these-- To these idiots.

"I was putting roofs on houses, you dumb fucks.

You ain’t got roofs here?"

I’m not saying that at all.

When I say that to people, they’re like,

"Roofer? What do you mean?" Really?

I bet there’s a few people there who were like,

"Roofer, what’s a...?"

So I was explaining it.

Was anybody confused by that?

No? Well...

They’re British, dude. They’re way smarter.

They are, aren’t they? Super intelligent.

Fuck.

Thanks. Thank you.

You got a question?

Can somebody--? You want mine?

[APPLAUSE]

Kevin. Sir.

Was it a turn-on shooting Jen for Playboy,

or was it distracting?

And what did, uh, Jason think of the pictures?

Um, for those uninitiated or don’t know,

I shot my wife for Playboy,

for the 50th-anniversary issue of Playboy.

They had a bunch of directors,

they asked them to shoot their idea of eroticism,

something erotic.

So I was like, "Well, what’s more erotic than my old lady?"

’Cause she's the one that does all the fucking.

So, um, you know, I asked them, I was just like,

"Well, I’d like to shoot my wife,

if that’s cool with you." And they were like,

"Well, um-- Well, can we see a picture of her?"

You know, ’cause they looked at me, and they were like,

"I don’t know. What chick would fuck him?"

Then they saw a picture, they’re like,

"Oh, yes, you can shoot her, of course.

She’s very lovely," you know.

So I got the go-ahead and shit.

And I asked Jen, and, you know, I thought she’d be like,

"You’re out of your fucking mind."

You know, I was just like,

"So I’m doing this thing for Playboy,

and I can shoot any-- Anything I want as long as--"

And she’s like, "I'm in."

And I was like, "What, you wanna be in it?"

She’s like, "Oh, God, yes, that’d be so hot.

Me in Playboy? That’d be awesome."

And I was like, "Really? You don’t feel it's like--?"

You know, because my wife is a real man-hater.

She total-- Hates fucking men, which is why she married

the dude with the smallest dick imaginable.

Um, but she really fucking hates guys,

and she’s so insanely pro-women and shit.

And we can’t even really get into porn anymore and shit

because, you know, porn kind of degrades women.

That’s what she says.

[SIGHS]

Um, so I was like, "But you’ll do--?

But you’d be in Playboy? You don’t find that degrading?

She goes, "Oh, fuck, no. They’ll make me look hot."

And I was like, "Wow, I’ll never fathom the female mind."

She’s like, "It is kind of complex."

So, um-- So we, uh tried to come up with a scenario.

And my first idea for what I thought was erotic

involving Jen was, uh--

I guess it wasn’t met with a resounding fucking "Whoo-hoo!"

Like, I told her about it,

and she was like, "What do you wanna do?"

I was like, "Here’s my idea of an erotic photo.

It’s you, wearing glasses,

you’re dressed up in a graduation cap and gown.

You’ve got one diploma in one hand,

and the other hand you’re just throwing up in the air,

and the robe is just kind of open."

And she was like,

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

And I was like, "I don’t know.

It was the first thing that came to my mind."

She’s like, "You want me to dress up

"like a fucking college graduate with glasses?

And why is that sexy?"

I was like, "I don’t know.

’Cause I never graduated college

and, I don’t know, it’s the first--"

She’s like, "We’re not doing that."

I was like, "All right."

I was like, "What if you dress up like Jay,

and I’ll be Silent Bob?"

And then she kind of dissected that for a few hours,

as to why I would want to do that.

"I think you have some unresolved issues

with your friend, Kevin."

So the third time was the charm. I was like,

"You know what, fuck it.

You used to be a newspaper reporter--"

’Cause when I met Jen,

she was a journalist at USA Today.

She interviewed me. That’s how we met.

So I was like, "What if--?

What if you were Lois Lane,

and we have Superman in the photo with you,

and he’s kind of holding you sexily from behind,

and, like, your skirt’s blowing up, and shit like that?"

And she was like, "You want some other dude

to be in the picture with me?"

And I was like, "Yeah." And she’s like,

"Well, why don’t you just put on the tights?"

And I was like, "Think about what you just said."

And she’s like, "It just means that

if you stand behind me in those tights,

I’ll look infinitely sexier than I--

Than I would normally."

And I was like, "No, I’m not gonna do that."

I said, "We’ll get some dude to do it."

She’s like, "I'm not gonna be comfortable

being held by some guy."

I was like, "Trust me, all male models are gay.

"So you don’t have to worry about anything.

It’s not like the dude's gonna put the moves on you and shit."

So she’s like, "All right."

So, uh, we hit Playboy up with it,

and Playboywas just like, "Yeah, totally.

If that’s what you wanna do, we’ll build a set and shit."

And, uh, we went to the studio in Santa Monica to shoot it.

And, you know, on the drive there,

she was like, "I’m nervous. I’m really nervous."

And I was like, "Well, you know, we’ll get over it."

And she’s like, "What's this ’we' shit? You have clothes on."

And I was like, "Well, what would be a--?

Well, you wanna pick up, like, a bottle of wine?"

She’s like, "A bottle? Four."

So we picked up some wine and we went to the studio and shit.

And then they spend, like, three hours doing makeup,

’cause they do your entire body and shit.

Not mine, hers. And, um--

And so, you know, I was walking around

kind of looking at our set.

They build us a rooftop and shit like that.

Checking things out while she got ready.

And then we went through a wardrobe,

picking out the wardrobe, which was so funny.

I couldn’t believe they had a wardrobe department.

I’m like, "It's Playboy.

There shouldn’t be any wardrobe, you know."

So we figured out what she was gonna wear and shit,

and then came to take the picture.

Suddenly, it comes time to kind of get the gear off.

And we did it in phases. Like, at first,

it was just kind of a transparent bra

and, like, panties and then the skirt,

and then lost the panties,

and then just got down to the business.

So about a bottle of wine in,

which would be about an hour into the photo session,

It-- All the inhibitions fall away.

Like, at first, you know, we’d take shots,

and there’s like 12 shots per roll,

and then between each, as we change a roll,

dude would come out and put a robe onto the chick,

who was the wardrobe chick,

put a robe on her and stuff like that.

About an hour into the session, a bottle of wine later,

she’s like, "Fuck the robe," you know.

She’s just, well, strolling around fucking naked,

which is pretty fucking hot.

And, uh, the whole thing was kind of a turn-on

’cause it's naughty, right?

’Cause nobody's supposed to be seeing your wife naked,

and you’re surrounded by these fucking people,

looking at your naked wife and shit.

But the thing is, these dudes who work at Playboy,

the guys who, like, do the scenery

and run the smoke machine,

and shit like that, and set up the camera,

they see naked women every fucking day,

and, oddly enough, have become inured to it.

You know, like, it doesn’t turn 'em on anymore.

They’re just like, "Right, tits."

You know, it just doesn’t do it for them anymore.

But every once in a while,

I would catch one of them fucking taking a peek and shit.

Like, they’re professional and doing their job.

But every once in a while, I’d see one fixing the light,

and Jen’s over there, and he’d be like,

And look at me, and he’d be like, "Right on."

So I was like, "Right on."

So, um-- So when we-- We did the photo shoot,

and-- And, uh-- You know, I was getting

incredibly turned on by the whole thing,

so I hit her up at one point, I was like,

"How are you doing? How are you feeling?"

She’s like, "It's kind of-- How does it look?"

I said, "It looks fucking great.

You look hot. Damn hot.

You wanna go in the bathroom?"

And she was like, "What?"

I was like, "We got, you know, 25 minutes between shots,

let’s...do some shooting of our own."

And she was like, "You’re serious?

"You wanna go in the bathroom and fuck

"so that you’re fucking leaking out of me on film?

"For all posterity.

"So when our kid sees this picture

"fucking 20 years from now

"there’s you, running down my leg.

Is that what you want?"

It’s like, "Well, not anymore."

So we got through the photo shoot and shit,

and then eventually, you know, picked the shots,

and they ran the shots and shit,

and I had an issue of Playboy with my wife in it,

which was really, really fucking quite cool, you know,

to just be flipping through it, like,

"Oh, my God, there’s my wife,

naked, being held by Superman."

You know, rather sexy, I thought.

And came in incredibly useful, because my wife is--

Jen’s not a morning person.

I am. Like every guy, I wake up fucking rock-hard,

with the best boner of the day.

Like the one that could cut glass.

The one that could break rocks. The impressive one.

The one where you just wanna call people up like,

"Come over and look at. Hold on, ready."

The fucking-- The boner to end all boners.

And every other boner you get throughout the rest of the day,

any time you get fucking hard, it’s just not the same thing.

It’s just not as fucking impressive, you know.

Just, it’s fine, it gets the job done,

but it’s just not the fucking--

It’s not the bomb like the morning rod is.

Or you call it "piss boner."

’Cause it's the one where you gotta piss real bad,

but you get shit done before you take a piss,

because it’s that impressive.

It’s the shit where you can just chip it into marble walls.

So like every man, I’m kind of a mor--

You know, early-morning riser and shit,

and, you know, I learned very quickly that Jen is not.

She’s more of an afternoon delight kind of person.

So in the morning, I’ll wake up,

and, you know, nudge forward, and she’s like "Ugh."

I’m like, "Right on."

And, um, so, you know, I usually have to wait

till about fucking 2:00

before she gets her motor running and shit,

and then she approaches me while I’m fucking knee-deep

on my website and whatnot.

Our timing tends to be off sometimes.

So suddenly I had this magazine with my wife naked in it,

which is cool because I found that after I got married,

like, I really dig my wife.

I’m really into her and just kind of--

I love her, I think she’s amazing.

I think she’s this weird enigma that I gotta figure out.

I’ve got 50 years to kind of figure her out.

So far, not doing well at all.

Fucking puzzle. Um, but, uh-- But I kind of dig her,

and I find her very sexually captivating.

So much so that, like, I got married,

and I really stopped thinking about other chicks.

Other chicks just kind of stopped existing and shit,

and I just kind of became really focused and fixated on her.

Almost, really, obsessed with her.

Um, her body. And when I think about sex, I think about her.

So much so that, like, I’ll go to an Internet site

and try to check out some porn and shit, and I’m like,

"Pshht. You call this sexy?

Well, it’s a little sexy, but, you know-- But not for me."

And so I’m just really not into it.

So every time I wind up, like, jerking off,

I’d wind up thinking about her.

And suddenly I had a picture.

So I’d wake up in the morning, grab my Playboy,

go to the bathroom, snap one off, start my day.

It was a great way--

And I’d stopped bothering her in the morning and shit.

I had this beautiful fucking boner to deal with

and had the image to go along with it,

and suddenly, I was like, "This is great.

Why didn’t I shoot my wife naked years ago?"

It would solve so many fucking problems.

I wouldn’t be nudging her in the morning.

You know, and I wouldn’t be, like, sitting there going,

"What do I do with this?"

I figured out what to do with it.

So one morning I came back from the bathroom,

and she’s waking up at the same time,

and she’s like, "Good morning." I was like, "Good morning."

And she’s like, "What--? What are you holding?"

I was like, "What, this? This is Playboy."

She’s like, "Is that my Playboy?"

I was like, "Yeah, I was just reading the articles."

And she was like,

"Were you jerking off to my Playboy?"

I said, "Jerking off? What--? Yes."

And she’s going, "Why?"

And I was like, "I don’t fucking-- You know."

She’s like, "You idiot, you can fuck me.

"Why are you jerking off to pictures of me?

You could fuck me anytime you want."

I was like, "Yeah, but not till like 2:00."

So it became this kind of useful tool.

Aside from being able to kind of shoot her

and have something that--

’Cause you really buy into the Playboymythos

when you get there, ’cause they're just like,

"All the Playboybunnies have loved these photo shoots

because they have something to look back on years later

to see how beautiful they looked at that time in their life."

Which is, you know, a weird way of saying

when they get old, they’re ready to put a shotgun in their mouth

’cause they don't look like this anymore.

But she bought into it right away.

She was just like, "This will be so great.

I’ll be able to look at myself years from now,

and see what I look like. I looked so pretty,

and what a great time it was, and blah, blah, blah."

So it was cool.

It was a very cool thing to do. Very hot.

And I got something out of it: spank material.

And I get to fuck the chick that I spank to.

I mean, that’s rare.

Rare that you want-- You know, I can’t tell you.

When I was a kid, I used to jerk off

to Playboyall the time. Never met one of those chicks.

Never got to fuck Barbi Benton, you know.

Now I can look at this chick and go in the next room,

and if it’s, like, midafternoon, I could probably fuck her.

Jason-- What did Jason think of the pictures?

And also, is it the first time you’ve seen either Jen

or one of Kevin’s other girlfriends in the past naked?

I haven’t looked at it. I haven’t seen Jen's picture.

I really won’t look at it.

I can’t look at Jen like, I don’t--

MAN: Liar.

Ask Kevin. He has it on his computer.

It’s his, uh, wallpaper, and I make him cover it up

before I come and look at shit on his computer. Ask him.

And there’s a painting of her in his hallway that’s like--

It’s like 6-foot.

And that was covered for a while,

but now I just-- I go by it because it’s hanging

in his office so I can’t avoid it.

But I don’t look at her.

I really don’t want to see it.

And that’s serious. She’s the one girl-- Well...

maybe out of 10 girls in the world

that I wouldn’t want to see naked.

[LAUGHS]

No, I wouldn’t.

You know why he doesn’t look at her?

Gay.

It’s true, though. He is really--

I remember I whipped open the issue,

I was like, "Dude, check it out."

He’s like, "What is it? Oh! Oh! Oh!"

Like, fucking, he had looked into the sun.

It’s funny. He won't--

And there’s a big painting,

and he won’t look at that either.

So if I don’t want him in the office,

I put the painting in front of the door.

He’s like, "Ohh..."

It’s like Kryptonite.

Why is that, though?

Jen’s like, "What’s the matter?

He doesn’t think I'm pretty."

I was like, "No, he just sees you like Mom,

and nobody wants to see Mom naked, you know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yes? You’ve got a mike.

How did you broach the subject with your wife

that the first time you fucked, it would appear on a DVD?

Yeah. With your bleeding cock.

Yeah, right. I didn’t broach the topic.

It just kind of--

It was a story that kind of, you know, evolved

while I was doing Q & A and shit.

So the first time she heard it, she was none-too-thrilled.

If you ever saw An Evening with Kevin Smith,

the first part, as opposed-- This being the second part,

Evening Harder.

I told a very long, involved story about the first time

I had sex with my wife, and how I cut my dick open.

Um, but it’s very romantic.

So the first time she heard it,

she got, like, super fucking pissed.

And she was like, "Oh, my God.

Not only do you talk about intimate details

of our sex life,

but you say sticking your dick in me

is like putting your dick in battery acid." You know?

I was like, "Because I was cut open."

She was like, "It doesn’t matter, Kevin.

No woman wants her vag referred to as battery--"

It’s like calling it "guts," you know?

Um, so she wasn’t too keen on it,

and then I didn’t bother to tell her

that we had recorded it for the DVD.

So it wasn’t until a few months after--

’Cause, you know, she's seen--

She had been to the fucking circus so many times.

She doesn’t-- She'll watch a little bit of the Q & A

and then fuck off, ’cause she's like,

"Ugh, it’s you fucking up there telling stories."

MAN: But the kind of first time she actually saw it

and saw that it was on there, did she go,

"Why? Why did you fucking put it on there?"

Yeah, yeah. And never lets me forget, to this day.

Still to this day, she’s just like, "Why--?"

She’ll be like, "I have to tell you something,

but it can’t wind up on a DVD."

Which is so weird ’cause most people would just go like,

"I gotta tell you something, but you can’t tell anybody."

Hers is very specific.

She doesn’t worry about the vagaries.

She’s just like, "It cannot wind up on a DVD."

"Do you understand me, Kevin?" And I’m like, "Yeah, I do.

Is it 2:00 yet?"

She didn’t take too kindly to it.

But she’s kind of used to it by now.

That’s why she'll come-- Like, she was here earlier,

then she takes off, ’cause she's like,

"I don’t wanna hear you tell stories anymore,

’cause sooner or later you’re gonna talk about me."

Like, I don’t think she knows about the Playboystory.

Probably good.

And a kind of quick question.

What did Jason think about you telling the story

of his fuck tape with his...?

He was-- Well, I remember, like, at one point when he watched it,

he was just like, "I had a fuck tape?"

You know, just didn’t remember it.

There was a bunch of stuff he didn’t remember.

When he came over for this trip, he was like,

"I’ve never been here before. This is awesome."

We have been here before.

It was during the lost years.

But, uh-- So it’s nice. It’s nice,

you get to re-experience a lot of shit with him.

You know, it’s like he was a fucking droid,

and he had his memory wiped.

So you get to do a lot of shit twice.

And he’s just like, "This is great.

I’ve never done this before."

And inside, you’re like, "Yeah, we have."

It’s kind of like Groundhog Day a little bit.

But he didn’t seem to care. He don’t care.

And he hasn’t even watched--

He hasn’t even asked to watch the tape.

Which is so weird ’cause I would imagine,

sooner or later, he’d like be,

"Let me see that tape." But no interest.

Thanks very much. Thank you.

Hi. Hello.

God, loud.

Jersey Girlis quite different in some ways,

from your previous films, and dedicated to your daughter,

and I was wondering if

becoming a father has changed you creatively

in terms of what you’re interested

in doing in your work?

Um, you know, it hasn’t really changed me creatively.

I mean, I guess in a small way.

I wouldn’t have done Jersey Girl if I didn’t have a kid.

So for all the people that didn’t like it, blame the child.

You know? Like, really, if I didn’t even have a daughter,

I wouldn’t have thought to write that movie.

Um, and I started writing it when she was about 6 months old

or something like that.

So I guess that did have an effect.

But I always made this promise to myself

that I would never change the content of my work

or just not be me and not do what I do

just because I had a kid.

Like, we have a very-- We’re not hypocritical in the house.

Like, it’s not like we don't swear around the kid.

We’re not like, "Earmuffs." You know, nothing like that.

It’s just we tend to be the same way we are around the kid

that we are when we’re not around the kid.

You know, not certain--

Like, I don’t fuck my wife while the kid looks.

Although, that happened once.

By accident. Which was the weirdest thing.

Like we were going at it really hard and heavy and shit,

and she, of course, was on top.

And, um, we’re real chatty, fucking talkie lovers and shit.

Not even like, "Oh, you’re so pretty," and shit.

It’s dirty shit. Shit like,

"You’re fucking-- I'm having me some fanny fun, bitch."

You know?

Just real fucking dirty, fucking nasty,

nasty fucking talk and shit,

where other people’s names come into it and shit.

And like soon you’re in this weird fantasy where, you know,

you’re fucking a football team.

It’s just like way the fuck out there.

Just nasty fucking dirty shit.

And, you know-- Any names you’d repeat?

Sorry? Any names you’d repeat?

MAN: Affleck.

I’ve never brought Affleck up for some reason.

Never thought to work him in there and shit.

I should whip a little Affleck on her, see what she says.

So that’s one thing you wouldn’t cast him in then?

Yeah.

There is one thing. I wouldn’t cast him in my wife.

Pshhhh...

Pht.

Um, so there we are,

fucking and talking nasty to each other and shit,

and then the moment of truth comes and shit.

And, um, we-- It was one of those rare times

where we both kind of came together,

and it was kind of powerful and nasty and dirty

and fucking-- Just hardcore too.

And it was hot, so we were both fucking sweating, and just--

We just didn’t hear the door open.

So we’re finished, and fucking, like,

my head just kind of lolls to the left,

and there I see Harley

sitting at the edge of our bed like this:

You know, like a little scientist from another planet.

Just really kind of...

...trying to figure out what went in where.

So we were like, "Hey, hey, hey. What are you--? Hey."

And Jen flips off me and shit and--

And we were, "What are you--? What are you doing?"

She was like, "What are you’sdoing?"

And we were like, "What? We were just-- We were playing.

We’re, you know-- We were just playing. Playing."

She’s like, "Playing what?"

We were like, "We were play...fighting.

"We were just, like, play wrestling.

Having some play-fighting time."

And she was like, "It didn’t look like you were fighting."

I was like, "What did it look like?"

She was like, "You were swimming."

And under her breath I hear Jen go, "I was swimming."

I was like, "That’s what we were doing.

We were doing-- We were doing-- We were night swimming."

And she’s like, "Is that why you’re all wet?"

I said, "Absolutely. We were in the pool,

"and then we were doing some night swimming in the pool,

"and then we came up here,

"and we were showing each other how we swim,

because it was too dark to see it out there."

She was like, "But the lights aren’t on in here.

It was like, "Yeah, but... the moon."

And then she was like, "Can I go night swimming?"

And I was like, "Not till you’re 30, I hope, you know."

And then she was like, "Can I get in the bed with you?"

And immediately, I’m like,

"Get this kid away from the wet spot."

I was like, "No, no, no, you can’t.

"You go hang out and shit. Do other things.

Just...Dad needs a few minutes."

It took a lot out of me.

Um, so she caught us, but, you know,

it didn’t-- It never came back to the subject.

She bought "night swimming," which was tremendous, you know.

’Cause now anytime she-- You know--

We lock the door now, of course, when we fuck.

’Cause we didn't know she was so strolly.

She crept in like a fucking ninja.

Like, who knew she was there?

She could have slit both our throats.

Instead she was just:

So...

So now we lock the door, and she’ll, you know:

Boom, boom, boom. "Mom."

And we’re like, "Night swimming."

"Okay." Off she goes and shit.

It doesn’t occur to her that the pool is upstairs.

So-- So we-- You know, aside from that,

we tend not to kind of live our lives differently.

You know, we curse in front of the kid.

And some people think that’s kind of not right and shit,

but it would be so hypocritical of me

not to curse in front of the child,

’cause that's how I make my fucking living.

Cursing will put her through college.

So we tend to, you know, not rein it in.

We’re just kind of ourselves and shit like that.

And I find it has, you know,

a kind of reverse effect on the kid.

It doesn’t make the kid wanna curse.

It makes the kid not wanna curse.

Like, we were driving somewhere,

me and Jen were talking about something,

and I was like, "You know what, that’s total bullshit."

And out of the backseat where Harley was,

we hear, "Bullshit."

And we were like, "What the--? What? What did you say?"

She’s like, "Bullshit."

And we’re like, "That’s awesome." You know?

’Cause nothing cuter than a little kid cursing.

And so, you know, we were chuckling and shit,

and she was like, "Bullshit."

We’re like, "Yes, say it again."

"Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit."

It was tremendous,

and suddenly she started varying it up and shit.

And she was like, "Horse shit."

I was like, "Yes, fucking horse shit. Horse shit."

And she was like, "Dog shit. Mom shit. Dad shit.

Nana shit. Pop shit."

We have two dogs, Scully and Mulder.

"Mulder shit. Scully shit.

Bat shit." Which was my favorite.

And we were dying up front. We were like, "This is awesome."

She went through a litany of shits.

Anything you can modify shit with, she did.

You know, fucking pass a roadside sign, "Sign shit.

McDonald’s shit. Volkswagen shit."

You know, "Shit, shit, shit."

This went on for two hours...

and never lost its fucking edge.

I was just as amused when she said "bullshit"

as I was when she later on

got down to fucking wee-wee shit.

Which is pee-pee poop, you know. It was just--

But she didn’t know that, that’s the thing.

So I said to her, I was just like,

"Harley, do you know what shit is?"

And she’s like, "No."

And I said, "Shit is poo-poo."

And her face, fuck, she went:

She realized she just spent the last two hours

talking about shit.

And then she said--

She never said "shit" ever again.

So it’s weird.

It had this reverse effect on her,

where she doesn’t like to curse anymore

because she spent two hours cursing.

So, um, I don’t know, we’re kind of--

We kind of let the kid progress her own--

You know, ’cause, especially with language,

it’s like there's no such thing as bad words.

Bad intentions,

but not fucking bad words and shit.

Bad words will put food on the table if you do it right.

So, um...

So, no, the work has never been affected by the kid.

And our lives haven’t been affected by the kid.

I mean, inasmuch as we have to make time

to feed her and shit.

You know, and protect her from danger.

But other than that,

everything kind of remained the same for me.

Has she seen any of your other movies?

She did. She finally-- We got around to showing her

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Backone night.

Um, and that was by accident.

We were watching something on the big TV upstairs

and watching a DVD, and it ended,

and when the DVD player cuts off, like, TV kicks back in.

And it was Showtime, the cable channel was on

and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Backwas on.

And it was the scene with Jen coming out of the van.

And she was like, "Oh, my God, it’s Mom."

I was like, "Yeah, oh, it is Mom.

That’s right. That's Mom. I fuck that chick."

But I was like, "That’s Mom, you're right."

And she was like, "What is--?" ’Cause suddenly--

She lives in this weird world where, like...

you know, sometimes Dad has short hair,

and sometimes he has long hair,

and sometimes, you know, he never says anything,

and sometimes he’s always talking.

And sometimes he’s like, "Clean that shit up," you know?

And sometimes him and Uncle Jay run into a wall.

So it’s this weird world of, like, reality and not reality.

Like, I hang out with Jason in real life,

and I hang out with Jason in the movies.

And Jason, in the movies, we’re always together.

And in real life, he lives in our house.

So, you know, for her, movie world and reality

kind of-- Kind of blend and shit like that.

Like, there, I remember for a wrap gift

for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,

Hilary, who was the script supervisor on the show,

um, had a long time prior, a long time before,

when she was a kid, she had been the voice of Sally

in some of the Peanutscartoons.

So as a wrap gift she had somebody draw

the animated Jay and the animated Silent Bob

and Sally together in one picture.

And Harley was about two and into Snoopy at that point,

and I showed her the picture...

and her head fucking exploded.

’Cause she was like, "Dad, Uncle Jay...

"Charlie Brown’s sister?

They all know each other?"

Pfft! You know. So it’s not bad enough--

Like, you know she’s gonna be on some therapist’s couch

years from now, going,

"Silent Bob was my dad." You know.

You know, it’s weirdness like that.

When you’re a kid, when you see Dad interacting

with people who aren’t real,

you start to wonder, I guess, if your old man’s real,

to some degree.

Um, so here she’s seeing Mom suddenly in the mix,

’cause we'd never really thought to show her the movie before.

And I was like-- I turn to Jen,

I was like, "We could probably show her the movie."

You know, I mean, we could just do it without the volume,

because if the volume was up,

she’d lose interest in the movie ’cause there's so much cursing.

And that’s just-- To her, that’s grown-up shit.

So I was like, "Let’s show her, her."

’Cause she's in the movie.

She plays little baby Silent Bob.

So we go and pop in the DVD, and there’s her.

And, you know, little baby her as Silent Bob.

And then suddenly little baby her dissolves into big fat me.

Which I’m sure she'll be talking to a therapist about.

You know, 20 years from now, going like,

"He fucking-- He showed it to me when I was a child.

"I-- I-- That’s what I would grow up to be?

"Like, how am I supposed to deal with that?

"And that’s why I killed my parents in their sleep.

I could get away with it ’cause I could creep like a ninja.

Caught them after a little night swimming."

So we kept going, you know,

and I was like, "Hey, there’s Uncle Jay,

and there’s, you know-- Here’s some other stuff."

And suddenly I realized that the movie plays to a child

if you turn the sound down.

’Cause, like, at a certain point we’re hitchhiking,

and all of a sudden there’s, you know, the Scooby-Doo van.

And she lit up like Christmas. She was like, "Mystery Machine."

And I was like, "Mys-- What?

"Oh, my God. Yes, you’re right.

That is the Mystery Machine. You recognize that?"

She’s like, "Mystery Machine."

And I was like, "Hold on to your hat because check this out."

And all of a sudden, the door opens and Jay and Silent Bob.

Dad and Jay, Uncle Jay,

are hanging out with the fucking Scooby gang...

which she is very into at that point.

And she’s just like, "Scooby and Fred and Velma!

You know Scooby?"

I was, "Oh, yeah, we hang out."

And she was just-- Her fucking head exploded.

She was just enraptured,

and then reality sank back in for her,

and she was just like, "That’s not Shaggy."

I was like, "What do you mean, that’s not--?

"Of course, that’s fucking Shaggy.

That’s as Shaggy as it gets."

And she was just like, "Shaggy’s shirt is green.

His shirt is blue."

And I was like, "You’re just like

all those fuckers on the Internet, you know that?"

So yeah, she’s seen some shit. We’ve showed her some shit.

But she gets real bored real easily, you know,

’cause she don't want to see people sitting there,

talking to one another.

And that’s what all my movies are.

Just people like, "Blah, blah, blah."

You know, she-- We--

I felt like a filmmaker, though,

showing her that movie for the first time.

Generally, I don’t feel like a filmmaker or a director.

I feel like a writer who just happens to direct his own stuff,

’cause I can't really tell a visual story to save my life.

But watching that movie with a kid,

I felt like a visual storyteller.

I felt like I communicated ideas with images.

Because there’s a point where we’re being chased by--

By Judd Nelson’s character, and they’re shooting at us,

and then Jay dives through a pipe,

and then I throw Suzanne the Orangutan

through the pipe and then I go to dive in the pipe,

and I don’t make it through.

And the kid starts cracking up.

She’s just laughing, and she’s like,

"Ha, ha, ha. You’re too big. Ha, ha, ha."

And at first I was like, "Fuck you.

You’re no spring chicken," you know.

That’s my gut instinct and shit.

"You’ve got my legs, kid," you know.

But then I was like, "Wait a second,

she-- She gets it. Like, she’s right."

Like, I can’t get through the pipe ’cause I'm too big.

And she was like, "Just like Winnie the Pooh."

Then in the movie, Jay goes, "Just like Winnie the Pooh."

And she was like, "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

You know. And then later on,

when it came to the diamond-exchange sequence,

you know, the girls go--

There’s no dialogue in that scene.

The girls flip down the hallway.

One, two, trying to avoid the lasers,

and the "be quiet" and shit like that.

And then Ali does her flips, gets to the end and farts.

And the alarm goes off.

And the kid was just like, "She farted.

She frogged." That’s what she says.

She doesn’t say "fart," she goes, "She frogged."

And I was like-- That was a new one for me,

’cause I didn't know where "frog" came from.

’Cause, you know, a fart’s a fart,

but suddenly the kid’s busting with a frog.

I was like, "What do you mean?"

She’s like, "She frogged, frogged!"

I was like, "Oh, she blew ass out? Or gas ass? What? Farted?"

"She frogged," you know.

Just like, "Come on, follow me, Father."

And I was just like, "My gosh, she got it."

She understood that the alarm went off

because this girl frogged and shit.

And I felt like, "My God, I’m a filmmaker."

You could turn the sound down,

and you get the movie, pretty much.

At least that one.

Clerks,I think she’d have a hard time with.

But that one, she got.

So we’ve showed her some... We showed her some stuff.

But I’m curious to see how she reacts to this shit

when she gets older.

If she has any interest in it herself.

She’s got good ammunition for her teenage years.

Totally, right? She’ll get away with murder because she’s like,

"What about the time you two fucking ran

from that rubber poop monster?"

"That wasn’t real."

"Oh, it’s not? It’s you and Uncle Jay.

"You’re always hanging out together anyway.

Where is the difference, Dad?"

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes. Do you have a mike?

You still don’t have a mike?

MAN: Kevin. Hi. Sorry.

Hey.

MAN: I heard that you did a rewrite

on the classic that is Coyote Ugly.

I did.

And there was very little left in the actual film.

How did that gig come about and are there any other films

with small contributions from you in them?

Um...

let me see. I did a rewrite on Coyote Ugly.

I don’t think I've done any rewrites since Coyote Ugly.

I think that was the last one I did.

But that one was, like, a page-one rewrite

where I rewrote everything from scratch.

Changed characters’ names.

Set scenes in different places and shit.

And they paid me. It was a Bruckheimer movie.

They paid me a shitload of money to do it.

And Jerry Bruckheimer was a big fan of Chasing Amy.

That’s how Ben wound up getting cast in Armageddon,

and Jason Lee got cast in Enemy of the State

and shit like that.

And then I wound up working on rewrites on Coyote Ugly.

So I turned in my draft and shit like that,

and they’re like, "You wanna direct this?"

And this was right while I was going off

to direct Dogma,I think. I think it was Dogma.

And I was like, "You know what, I wanna do my own thing."

But I said, "But I love this,

’cause it's all about Jersey and shit like that,

but I’m gonna go off and do my own thing."

So then they brought another guy on to direct it,

who brought in his writer,

and completely changed

everything that I had written, dialogue-wise.

Which was weird, because, like,

of anything of my scripts you’re gonna keep,

keep the dialogue. Everything else is bullshit.

But the dialogue, they got rid of everything,

with the exception of one line.

Like, they kept settings, odd things.

Like, they would keep things set

in the place that I had them set.

Or they would keep character names.

But everything else fucking changed.

And the one line of mine they kept was,

the one girl talking about-- Like, one girl asked

the other girl, like, "Have you ever done--"

This ain’t the exact-- This part’s not the exact line.

But have you--? She was asking if she’d ever done

any lesbian stuff. And the other chick was like,

"No, no, no. I’ve only played in the minors,

I never went pro." Like, lame line.

And that’s the one they fucking kept.

So I went to the movie to watch it,

and there’s a subplot involving a dude who loves comic books,

and shit like that, and wants a Punisher--

The first appearance of the Punisher.

And at one point Jen leans over to me, she’s going,

"Oh, you did all the comic-book stuff, didn’t you?"

I was like, "I had nothing to do with the comic-book stuff.

"I didn’t write this shit. I wrote that one line about

’Played in the minors, never went pro.’"

And she was like, "Well, I wouldn’t really cop

to saying that if I were you."

I was like, "I’m just telling you."

Um, so that was it. That was my last rewrite gig,

and I was just like-- Just, what’s the point?

It was like working on Superman.

You spend all that time,

somebody else comes behind you and just changes everything.

So, no, that’s it.

But that’s my contribution to Coyote Ugly.Very small.

Although they paid me an insane amount of money

to essentially write that one line.

I was like, "Why don’t we just skip the middleman?

"I would’ve wrote that line,

and, you know, you cut me a check."

Thanks. Thank you.

Sure.

MAN: Hi, Kevin. My name’s David.

How are you, David?

MAN: I’m very good. I’m very good.

I just wondered what’s the official stance

with the Star Warsdrama that you’re so-called involved in?

Yeah, I’ve read on the Internet

that I’m supposed to be involved in a Star WarsTV show.

Okay.

Nice answer. How about Episode III?

Have you seen it, and were you tempted

to get your agent to get you a cameo?

That was one of the requests I just made recently.

I didn’t make it through my agent, though.

One of our associate producers on the last few flicks,

this great, great gentleman by the name of Phil Benson--

We met him on Dogma, and he worked at Skywalker,

he was a sound guy.

And he wanted to-- A really high-up sound guy.

Essentially, he was the guy that when The Lord of the Ringswon

for sound mixing, sound design,

shit like that, he would’ve been the guy.

But he opted not to do Lord of the Rings

so he can do Jay and Silent Bob Strike Backinstead.

No accounting for taste.

But, you know, I always say to him,

"Do you ever regret not doing it?"

He’s like, "No, 'cause I wanted to do

"something other than sound,

"that’s why I went to do Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

’Cause no offense, but it's not a cure for cancer."

I was like, "What?"

But he was like, "But I wanted to try

other things beyond sound."

So we made him an associate producer and stuff,

and he did other things on the movie

that he never had the opportunity to try

as a sound guy and stuff.

So Phil worked at the ranch, at Skywalker,

for years and years and years.

From when he was a kid up to--

And he’s not that old, the dude’s like my age.

But he’d worked there for like eight, 10 years.

So...and I knew Rick McCallum ’cause I'd met him at the ranch,

the producer of the new Star Warsmovies.

But Phil really knows him.

So I dropped him a line, I was like,

"Dude, I wanna go to an early screening of this movie.

Can you talk to Rick?" And he wrote Rick an e-mail.

Then Phil wrote me back, he was like,

"He says he’ll show it to you." And I was like, "When?"

He’s like, "April 15th they lock picture.

Come up, he’ll show you the flick."

I was like, "Ahhh..."

’Cause that's the fucking movie I’m looking forward to.

I think that movie’s gonna-- I like the first two.

You know, Phantom Menace, not a huge fan, but I liked it.

You know, could have done with a lot less Jar Jar.

Second one, I really fucking loved.

I think the third one is just gonna be fantastic.

I think it’s gonna fucking, you know, take everybody

who’s naysaid the last two and make ’em--

Spin ’em completely.

With your power in Hollywood, would you try to maybe

be the character to maybe kill Jar Jar?

Go down in folklore or something?

No, no. I mean, why cast more attention on that fucking guy?

You know, even a death scene is too good for him.

Just basically let it happen off camera. Have somebody go,

"What happened to Senator Jar Jar?"

"We killed him."

Now on with the real movie and shit.

That’s the one I’m looking forward to,

’cause that will always be the trilogy to me, right?

Well, not this new one. That’s the second trilogy.

But the first one, that’s the fucking trilogy.

That’s why it was so disheartening

to live through The Lord of the Rings

over the last few years,

because suddenly that became the trilogy to people.

People are like, "Have you seen the trilogy?"

I was like, "I saw it when I was a kid."

They’re like, "No, the Rings."

I was like, "Motherfucker, there is one trilogy.

There’s not fucking more than one."

’Cause Star Wars,you know, that’s an adventure story.

Those Lord of the Ringsmovies, as good as they looked

and as wonderful a director as Peter Jackson is--

’Cause I'm a huge fan of Heavenly Creatures.

- -they’re fucking movies about walking.

You know I’m right.

’Cause people go, "He’s right. That's it."

It’s just three fucking movies about motherfuckers walking.

They’re all walking to a fucking mountain to pitch a ring in it.

You know, that’s it. To a volcano.

That’s all they do is walk. The first movie is fucking this:

That’s it. That's the whole fucking first movie.

The second movie is this:

And the fucking third movie is:

[APPLAUSE]

So I couldn’t understand what all the excitement was about.

Three movies about fucking walking.

And then that third movie had 46 endings to it.

Like, that movie just kept ending and ending and ending.

Like, there’s a point, you pitched the ring

in the lava, shit’s done.

Send me the fuck home.

You know, it’s finished. The walk is over.

You know, unless you’re gonna do a trilogy about the walk back.

But it kept going. First they pitched the ring in,

and then fucking Gollum shows up,

and then they fucking fight, and then a bird picks him up,

and then they take him back to the hobbit land and shit,

or the Shire.

And then all of a sudden somebody’s like,

"We gotta go. We’re catching a boat."

Like, what? What?

What does that have to do with anything?

"You guys stick behind. You take care of the book."

And the end of the movie is a dude

literally writing in a book,

which is like the least cinematic thing

you could possibly do, and I know ’cause I make

the least cinematic movies imaginable.

Like, this movie that was all about grandeur

and fucking amazing creatures, ends with a dude going,

"And then they all got on a boat...

"which is something we just showed you...

"and went someplace where, apparently,

"Sam can’t go.

"But that left me to be the pimp...

of the Shire."

The movie ends with him writing a book.

The dude’s gone off on a boat to Never-Never Land and shit.

Like, it’s so weak.

The ending of that movie, I thought, was rather clear.

I thought it was the moment when Frodo wakes up from his coma,

or whatever he was in and shit,

and the little hobbits, the little gay hobbits,

are jumping up and down on the bed.

Merry and Pippin, whatever.

’Cause they were clearly fucking gay.

They’re fucking, you know--

It’s the first time in the movie people aren’t walking...

’cause instead they’re bouncing on the bed.

I mean, admit it, even the trees in that fucking movie walked.

So the little gay hobbits are hopping up and down on the bed,

and shit, and then fucking, you know,

everyone’s happy that Frodo’s alive.

And then Sam pimps into the room

and just leans against the door jam.

And he’s looking at his boy in the bed,

and his boy makes eye contact with him,

Frodo and Sam looking at each other,

and you just get this feeling.

Like, they’re looking at each other, and they’re just like,

"We’ve been through some fucking shit.

"Granted, we walked a lot.

"But we’ve seen some shit, and we took the ring,

"and fucking two hobbits saved Middle-earth.

"You and I, we saw spiders, we saw giant fucking birds,

"we saw a lot of shit.

You and I have been through the shit."

Like two Vietnam vets

who made it out of Danang and shit.

Like, "We did it, Frodo."

And they share this fucking look.

That’s the end of the movie to me.

That’s a beautiful way to go out.

And if you really wanted to blow the mind of the Academy--

’Cause that's a movie that won the Academy Award

for Best Picture.

And it was a foregone conclusion

that it was gonna make a gazillion bucks, right?

Everyone was gonna go see that fucking movie

’cause they went to see the first two.

I always thought Peter Jackson should have just completely

fucking taken a left at that point, you know.

’Cause it's like every-- That’s the tail end of the movie.

Everybody’s seen the fucking adventure story,

we’ve gotten all the box office, why not just go fucking nuts?

Like, just do something that nobody was expecting.

All the people that know the books really well.

All the hardcore fans of the other movies.

Like, instead, fucking Frodo’s looking at Sam,

Sam’s looking at Frodo.

And then Sam tells Merry and Pippin to take a hike.

And then Sam goes over

and just sucks the fucking cock off Frodo.

Like, just a hardcore...

Just this amazing, fucking awe-inspiring,

luscious blowjob scene between these two hobbits.

Like, just to watch the audience go,

"What the fuck happened?"

Like, "Did you fucking--?

"The little guy is blowing the little guy.

Fucking Jackson’s lost his mind."

And just like a 10-minute version of it.

Like, from a real porno fucking scene.

Just fucking like working it and fucking...

And no music, just stark.

So you’re just hearing, like:

[SQUISHING]

People would just be like, "What the fuck?"

Like, it would be amazing.

I would give that dude the Academy Award

right then and there. I’d be like,

"That is the bravest move I’ve ever seen

"in a mainstream movie.

Congratulations, you insane, glorious bastard."

And at the end of it all,

fucking Sam just bricks in Frodo’s mouth.

Credits.

This is why they don’t let me direct other movies.

MAN: Okay, we’ve heard about Jen’s Playboyshoot,

but I was wondering if you’d tell us--

Sorry, am I too loud?

Who the fuck is talking?

Is that you? You?

I didn’t even see your lips moving.

Are you a ventriloquist dummy?

That was awesome. Or the ventriloquist, rather.

MAN: Maybe.

Right on. Try again, sorry.

I was just wondering if you’d like to tell us about

a cartoon strip you did,

a very sweet story about you and Jen’s first kiss.

I was just wondering if you’d tell us how that came about,

’cause I thought it was really nice.

It was kind of sweet.

Not a real entertaining story, but sweet nonetheless.

New York Times Magazine asked me to do

a fashion issue for them.

They were doing this big fashion issue.

And they’re like, "We hear you write comic books.

Do you wanna write a story that involves fashion?"

And I was like, "All right, are we allowed

to use comic book characters like, you know, Spider-Man

and fucking Daredevil and Green Arrow?"

They said, "No."

I was like, "All right. Well, can I write about

"the first time I met my wife,

or the first time we kind of fell in love?"

She’s like, "Okay."

So I wrote that, and Joe Quesada drew it.

And we worked--

Every outfit she wore in each panel was different,

but it was based on real clothing and shit like that.

So we got the original artwork hung up in our house,

all framed, and it’s hung up and shit.

But it was the sweetest thing in the world.

It was a tough thing to top,

because one day I was just like, "Surprise!"

And there was this little nine-page comic strip

about, you know, how we met and fell in love,

in the New York Times Magazinesection.

And she was like, "Oh, my God. It’s not 2:00,

but let’s fuck," you know.

But, uh, tough to top that, you know.

After that, you give her things, and she’s like,

"It’s great. It's no New York Times Magazine."

You know, shit like that.

Cheers.

Cheers, sir.

MAN: I was just wondering, I’ve seen the Degrassiepisode you did.

Yes.

And you’re playing I guess sort of yourself,

but not yourself. Yes.

Have you, since then,

been offered any other roles which--?

You personally. I know Jason has answered this.

Which are slightly more dramatic

and not so much Silent Bob?

No, nobody offers me acting work ever.

Ever.

No offers whatsoever since then?

No. Well, Degrassijust aired, but even then, no.

I mean, I tried to convince the people in CTV,

the broadcasters in Canada,

to do a spinoff of Degrassi where I keep playing myself.

Not much luck with it then, huh?

They weren’t into it.

No. Okay. Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, sir, you.

Right. I’ve just got a question about, um...

what do you think, sort of, of all of your movies?

Do you think there’s a scene that sort of sums up

how you sort of view the world?

Sort of what is your--?

Perhaps a scene that sort of says:

"That’s really what I wanna say in movies."

And for Jay,

what’s your favorite scene of all the movies you’ve done?

Do you think,

"Oh, I really, really like that scene?"

The scene that kind of sums up my entire body of work,

I think is when Silent Bob’s swinging off a rope.

Puts his head in the changing room,

and catches a glimpse of a pair of titties.

That really sums me up best.

I don’t even know.

Did that scene wind up getting cut out

when we’re talking to the two hookers in Jay and Bob?

Yeah, that was cut.

But was it on the DVD? It was on the DVD.

So you know the scene--

You tell them what scene. But that’s a scene I enjoyed.

I really liked that scene even though it got cut out.

But I think it’s on the extras on the DVD.

Even though I haven’t seen the extras on the DVD,

so I didn’t know.

It’s great that you’re like,

"Was that scene in the movie?"

No, I knew it wasn’t in the movie,

but I wasn’t sure if it was on the extras on the DVD,

’cause I don't really watch the extras so much.

Sometimes a little bit.

Not into the commentary tracks and shit?

Don’t wanna know?

Don’t wanna see behind the curtain?

Been behind the curtain?

No, because it all goes away.

This is real to me, these movies.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Every once in a while, he wakes up in the middle of the night

going, "Oh, poop monster.

He was chasing me, we gotta run."

Does he know what scene? Before you cut him off.

Do you know what scene we’re talking about, sir?

Yeah, unlike you, he’s familiar with the DVD.

I didn’t say I’d seen it.

Maybe he didn’t see it, though.

Thank you, Jay.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Yeah, it’s just a quick one about funding.

Now, are you at the stage in your--?

About funding?

Yeah, are you at the stage in your career now

that you could just make--

Sir, we wanna go out on a good one,

not like, "I have a question about financing."

Have you ever sat in the office with the suits,

and they said, you know, "He’s here again,

"the guy who keeps promising to make the Titanicof comedy,

but keeps delivering The Avengers?"

CROWD: Ohhh!

I-- What? Wait-- What?

MAN: Kick his ass!

Were you picking on me? Just a question.

The Titanic-- What is the Ti--?

You know, the Titanic. Bring in the mega bucks.

Have you ever been sat down and said,

"If your next film doesn’t deliver,

that’s the end of the road"?

Oh, has anyone ever--? Okay, I get it now.

The Avengersof comedy.

I was like, "What? What, what, what?"

Um, and fuck you, by the way.

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

No, it doesn’t work like that.

And here’s a brief education in the movie business.

Theatrical release of any movie doesn’t really fucking matter.

Essentially, now, in the age of DVD,

and, you know, revenue streams that continue going

long after the theatrical life of a film,

the theatrical is one big commercial for your DVD release.

Because theatrical box office,

the studio doesn’t even take 100 percent of it.

They only take, like, what, 45 percent,

’cause the exhibitors get the rest.

And sometimes they, of course, have to split up

back end of a feature as well,

with, you know, some stars who were involved or whatever.

So theatrical life, it doesn’t matter.

I mean, the more you make at the box office, great.

It just means that there’s more interest on DVD.

But ultimately, the real money is in DVD.

So we’ve always done really, really well on video.

That’s why I continue to work.

So there’s never been this scenario.

’Cause I always read about critics of mine,

people who hate me, who are just like,

"This is it. After this one, he’s done.

"They’ll never let him work again. Whoo-hoo!

Silent Bob’s dead, long live me, Internet guy," you know.

And it’s just like, you sit there chuckling,

’cause it's like, "Dude, you have no idea

how this shit works."

Like, I’ll never not have a fucking job

because I never really make expensive movies.

And as long as I can always make back

the initial investment, plus a little on top,

I’ll always work. Like, that’s the secret.

The secret is to just not spend a lot of money.

Or really, essentially, the secret is

to not lose anybody a lot of money

and to make ’em a little bit of profit,

because then they’ll keep you around.

If you can turn even a tiny profit for ’em,

they’ll keep you around

’cause that's better than losing money.

So every movie we’ve done has eventually returned.

And some returned a lot.

Like Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,

we did 30 million in theaters, we did 37 million on DVD.

You know, and they were ecstatic.

They were like, "You guys made more on DVD

than fucking theatrical.

Why don’t you just make straight-to-DVD movies?"

Which ain’t a bad idea, you know.

There’d be a lot more money to be made

and a lot less risk being taken.

So I’ve never had the, you know,

somebody-sat-me-down conversation.

Harvey Weinstein going,

"If this one doesn’t work, you’re out of the club,

and we’re putting you in movie jail."

It doesn’t work like that.

That’s why the Internet is hysterical.

Everyone’s got a theory about how shit really works,

and it’s just like, "No."

So I’ll continue. I mean, the movies--

As long as they make this much money,

I’ll continue to make shit.

It’s the day that I make, like, the $80 million movie

that makes two bucks, you know, that’s when you're like,

"Nyugh!"

But, you know, I’m smart enough to avoid that

and shit like that.

So me, I like to keep my shit kind of inexpensive.

Even Jersey Girl,which was like a lot for us, 35 million,

was kind of average or below average for a studio film.

Like, most studio movies now cost about 40, 45,

and ours was like 35.

And really the whole movie wouldn’t have cost that,

if Affleck didn’t get paid 10 million bucks...

to essentially fuck up our movie.

So without Affleck getting paid 10 million, Jennifer got four,

the movie would’ve cost around 20, 21 to make,

which is pretty much

what Jay and Silent Bob Strike Backcost to make.

So I tend to keep my shit responsible,

and because of that, I’ll keep fucking working.

I don’t have to deliver the Titanic.

I keep giving them the Avengers, and they’re like,

"Bring it on. Avengers 9."

Someone else. It was good but not great. Yes?

Hi. By the way, congratulations

on the English accent, it’s spot on.

Was it good? Definitely.

It’s from watching a lot of Eddie Izzard.

My question was about Jen.

I remember her writing something about

when she was going into labor...

Yes.

...you flew her across from L.A. to New Jersey.

Uh-huh.

And I was just wondering why it was important for you

for Harley to be born in New Jersey?

We were in Los Angeles, and she was-- It was weird.

This is something you only find out

when you’re hanging out with pregnant chicks.

They don’t let pregnant women on airplanes

if they’re very close to term. If you’re like nine months,

they won’t let you on an airplane.

’Cause they don't-- Especially a cross-country job.

’Cause they don't wanna run the risk

of you going into labor in the air,

and them having to land in a cornfield or some such shit.

So they tend to keep ’em off.

And Jennifer, her water broke when we were in Los Angeles,

and they wanted her to go the hospital, you know,

to get ready for the fucking baby,

and I was like, "Not out here.

"We’re not having a kid born in fucking Los Angeles

over my dead body."

And she was like, "How are we gonna get home?"

I was like, "We’ll figure out a way."

Scott Mosier, my producer, called up Harvey Weinstein,

was like, "Jen’s water just broke,

and Kev really wants her to have the baby in New Jersey."

And Harvey was like, "Uh-huh."

Scott’s like, "Well, can we use the jet?"

And he was like, "All right."

So they sent the jet, jet for us.

And we got on the jet,

and it was me and Jen and Mosier...

and the guy up front driving the jet.

You know, a four-and-a-half-hour flight,

during which like, Jen sat in one chair,

and me and Mosier sat across from her just like this:

And every once in a while Mosier was like,

"Should we get some hot towels?"

’Cause in TV and movies, they’re always like,

"Get some hot towels!"

We figured if we had some hot towels,

we’d be good to go.

Just throw them under her and let shit drop.

But we made it all the way to Jersey.

She didn’t wind up having the baby

for another week and shit.

So it was kind of a false alarm,

but we got a free jet ride out of it.

And we didn’t even get to use it.

Like, we could have sent Mosier into the bathroom,

joined the mile-high club and shit,

but she was all preggers and whatnot.

Do you like L.A. now? Do I like L.A. now?

I like my house, which happens to be in L.A.

If I could move my house to New Jersey,

that’d be awesome.

And if we can change the weather patterns in New Jersey,

so it was constantly 77 degrees like it is in Los Angeles,

that would be awesome too.

But...not gonna happen.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Super powers, what would you have,

both of you?

Super powers, sir.

Really?

Yes, you.

Oh, you’re asking-- I don’t-- Um--

Oh, fuck, I don’t know, dude.

Fly, I guess. I guess I would wanna fly.

Such a commitment, there.

Fly, just fucking fly.

Fly, fly.

I never really thought about it. I’d want 'em all

if I really could fucking have super powers.

The ability to be Polish and American at the same time?

Maybe. That’d be pretty--

That wouldn’t be super, though.

It wouldn’t be super.

Super-stretchy cock would-- I would get that.

’Cause then I could have the big cock all the time.

And then you could suck it too.

That’s it, sir, stretchy cock.

[COOL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[♪♪]