Original subtitles

I might have a bit of a drug problem.

And we have a bit of a drink problem.

Wesley wants Grinner. We want Maurice.

It's a straightforward swap.

He's fucking gone!

This is your chance.

I'll give yous half of it. What do yous think?

I don't trust him either.

Time to take. Can we put it in there on top of him?

Well, there's nothing there now. You're not gonna shoot me.

I'll do it, then.

GUNSHOT

Poor old Toby. He was with our family all his life.

Providing a grave for his mortal remains

is the least one can do.

One does all one can.

So there isn't anyone else going in on top of him now?

Poor chap was a foundling.

No wife, no children,

no next of kin to speak of.

Your treasure will be perfectly safe here.

And he wouldn't mind, would he?

Well, he lived to serve.

Here you go.

Dig.

Oh!

PANTING: Surely...

Surely it's deep enough now.

I'm not built for this sort of... WOOD SPLINTERS

..ghastly business.

What's the story with your man? Was he in the army or something?

Good God, no.

He was our ghillie.

You know, fishing, deer stalking, that sort of thing.

Help me out of here, old boy.

Oh.

Very funny. Very droll.

Get me out of here, if you wouldn't mind.

Now, that sounds like you're giving me an order, Your Lordship.

No.

In fact, no, no. Absolutely not.

Because it's a long time since yous English

had the run of this place, you know?

Lording it over us.

If I left you in that hole

with your buddy there,

I'm the only one who knows where all the gold chalices

and thuribles is buried.

What do you think about that?

Please...

..I beg you.

Well, that doesn't look like any kind of begging I've ever seen.

Because you're still on your hind legs.

Yes.

I beseech you,

on my life, on the souls of my ancestors,

spare me.

You are a slippery fucker, Fitzgibbon.

You know that?

You would sell your own mother for a bowl of gruel.

Now...

..when we're done here,

I'm going away for a while.

I don't know for how long.

But you steal my shit,

I'll come back and I'll gut you.

Yes, sir.

# I am nowhere but home by the sea

# Le na iascaire, agus a bhriongloidi

# Whisper my secrets

# Embracing thee

# Oh, carry my song across the sea. #

GUNSHOTS

Jesus Christ! Take it easy, woman! You're gonna hit me!

Like I give a fuck.

You're such a fucking prick, Grinner.

Leading us on this wild goose chase.

I had so many plans. What plans? Like...

Like I wanted to get a yacht, or any kind of boat, really.

Normal stuff.

Like, I wanted to buy a mountain of that Charlotte Tilbury,

the make-up.

GUN COCKS

I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Jesus!

I want no more of your shenanigans! Do you hear me?!

GUNSHOT

For fuck's sake!

If you've been fucking with us this whole time,

and there was never any treasure...

If that's the case... It was here! You have to believe me!

You have to believe me.

I think he's telling the truth.

Yeah. I believe you.

I was robbed.

I was betrayed.

That's kind of ironic, I suppose, isn't it?

I know who's got it.

Because all of this land here,

all of this, all belongs to Lord and Lady Fitz-fucking-gibbon,

where the treasure was found. The Fitzgibbons were in on it?

They were an' all, yeah. They got Wesley to rob it?

You said it.

And then you took it back to the scene of the crime.

To their own private graveyard.

Because no-one would ever think to look there.

And now His Lordship stabbed me in the back.

He must think I'm dead. Come on, come on.

We need to get going. Where? To catch some aristocrats.

Fuck it, like.

What? What choice do we have?

PHONE VIBRATES

PHONE VIBRATES

Right.

Shit!

They have Grinner and they're going after the treasure on their own.

The bastards!

The lying, conniving fucking bastards!

And, er...they took your car.

Took? Well, stole, I suppose you could say.

Fuck them anyway! If I ever get my hands on them, I'll fucking...

Wait. Oh, hang on. What?

This is great news. Oh, yes.

This is great news, altogether. Why?

I've found my fucking car.

Little pig, little pig, let me in, let me in,

or I'll huff and I'll puff,

and I'll blow your door in.

Looks like they're away. They won't be back till Monday.

GLASS SMASHES

He could have tried the bleedin' front door first!

FOOTSTEPS

Welcome to my crib!

Right, let's find this fucking treasure.

Fuck...! How many fucking cables?!

HE GRUNTS

Anything? Nope.

Looks like you've found something anyways.

There's fuck all here, like.

Now what?

Grinner?

As soon as these fucks are back,

we're gonna be here, waiting for them.

What if they don't have the treasure?

Grinner.

What?

I don't want to talk about it.

Come on. What is it?

It's fucked. It's all fucked.

It's not fucked. It is.

It's not. I'm not arguing with you, Paul.

We've no treasure,

and if we gave up now, we've nothing to go back to, do we?

Do we?

So, yeah, it's all fucked.

Just don't see the point in driving like a fucking maniac.

Look, we know where they are. We have them on the iPhone.

It's called Find My Car, Bunny. And that's fuck all use to me

if they abandoned my car! Why would they abandon your car?!

I don't know. Sure, how is it that I'm driving a Winne-fucking-bago?

Slow the fuck down, will you?! You're gonna blow the engine!

I have news for you, Bunny Ryan, I'm not letting anyone kill my Maurice.

Nobody's going to kill Maurice.

Sure, don't they need him if they want to swap for Grinner?

Yeah, but we don't actually have Grinner, do we?

If we don't get him back, then poor Maurice is as good as dead!

Jesus Christ, woman!

I fucking told you!

CHURCH BELL TOLLS

Are you going to die, mister?

Do you want a sweet?

Say "peas".

It's cheese. It's peas.

CAMERA APP CLICKS

Do you want to light a candle, Waldo Jr, son?

Aye. OK.

Like this.

You light one off the other.

CLATTERING

Give me fucking patience.

Do you want to say a prayer for your da, son?

There's a funny smell, that is. What is it?

That's the incense.

What's it for?

Well, they're used... Who's your man?

That is Saint Anthony.

He'll look after my da, won't he?

In heaven, like.

He will, yeah.

Is that what you're praying for, Uncle Wes? For my da?

It is.

That and other things.

What other things?

Saint Anthony is the patron saint of lost things.

Like the treasure? Yeah.

And the book?

The holy book, Waldo Jr, son.

The holy book.

Yeah. The holy book.

And he'll help us find it, will he, Saint Anthony?

Yeah, he will.

And what about the treasure?

I don't give a bollocks about the treasure!

Ah.

All I care about is the holy book.

You said a bad word, Uncle.

I know. In a church, like,

in Holy God's house.

I shouldn't have. You said "bollocks".

I'll say an act of contrition.

You said "bollocks". I know.

I know what I said.

You can't go around saying "bollocks" in Holy God's house.

It's a bad word, so it is, bollocks.

God's not going to be very happy....

That's enough now, Waldo.

Bollocks. Enough. Sorry.

Finish your prayer.

Right, what have you got for me? Nah, nothing yet.

Well, what about facial recognition?

I mean, can't you download an app and find him?

We've got all this technology - driverless cars,

robotic dogs, ski slopes in Saudi,

spaceships to Mars,

life-sized talking dolls

that you can actually fuck any which way you want.

What? Nothing.

We are on the precipice of a technological catastrophe,

the end of the world as we know it,

and you can't find two hairless cartoon cats?!

Uncle, wait. Not now.

For fuck's sake, Junior!

When was that taken?

At the traffic lights. At the traffic...

That car looks familiar, old man.

Now, isn't that the car that I got you for your wife?

That car has a tracker.

Shouldn't be too hard to find Maury in that.

Are you still sulking like a big baby?

We're in the middle of fucking nowhere.

And that's my fault, is it?

Well, it's not my fault either, is it? Ha!

Is this smart, going back to the caravan?

Well, if you have any better ideas, I'm all ears.

I don't suppose there's any point in hitching, is there?

WHISPERS: No.

CLOCK CHIMES

Grinner's gone.

Do you not think we should try and find him, no?

I don't care at this stage.

I'm cold and I have a crick in my neck.

What's the point in having a castle if it's so fucking cold?

That's why they do have the fur coats.

PHONE BUZZES

It's Gitsy.

Yeah, go on, answer it, then.

Gitsy, it's a bad time, bro.

Ma Baker's doin' our bleedin' nut in, so she is.

Fuck Ma Baker.

Paul, you owe her. You need to pay her back.

I have a big score going down. I can pay her back then.

What kind of score?

Well, I obviously can't bleedin' tell you, can I? But it's big.

Where are you now?

Fuck knows.

Somewhere in the back-arse of Wicklow.

What are you doing? What?

What are you telling him for?

He's somewhere in Wicklow.

Didn't I hear himself explain himself?!

Ma? What do you think? Does the blue suit me?

Suits you right enough, love, yeah.

Sure, that boyfriend of yours, he will rue the day he ever dumped you.

He didn't dump me, Ma. I dumped him after what he done to me.

I loved him, Ma.

He was the one, Ma. For real.

Yeah, you know, Britney, you've said this before.

Like, a few times, like. This is different.

What about Curly Watson in the sweet shop?

Oh, I was only...

..I don't know, mad in the head.

How's about Jimmy Behan, the fence?

That was only physical, Ma!

This was something...different.

Gary was my true love.

And he broke my heart.

I hate him, Ma.

I want to kill him, so I do.

Smash him to pieces.

Murder him!

That'll teach him!

All in a good time, love.

Save that rage.

Hmm.

Bottle it.

You couldn't put the kettle on there for me, love?

OK.

You're not going to scald me flute, are you, Ma Baker?

I'm going to have a cup of tea is what I'm going to do.

I'm not going near that dirty little thing of yours.

Because me and you and Britney, we're all going to take

a nice little drive down to Wicklow and find your old pal.

And if you play your cards right,

there might be a little reward in it for you.

A reward for me?

Oh, yeah.

What kind of reward?

Well, if you behave yourself...

..I might let you keep your flute.

I used to have problems myself with intimacy, you know?

Yeah?

I think intimacy is meant to be all about honesty.

Like...

..knowing what you like and being able to tell somebody.

Like, what do you like?

Like, sexually?

I like...

..I mean, the usual stuff.

I know, but everybody says that.

Like, what was your earliest sexual memory?

I don't know.

I just like girls, you know?

Like, it might have been something that you'd be embarrassed about,

like maybe wanting to have sex with one of your teachers, or...

Not at my school. They were all bleedin' geebags.

A sexual fantasy doesn't have to make sense.

I don't know.

This country is so fucked.

None of us are even Catholic anymore,

and we're all still fucked in the head from it.

Ah, right. There was one time...

It's embarrassing, but.

I won't judge.

When I lived with my nanny.

And?

She had a cat.

What?! You're joking me.

I thought you said you weren't going to fucking judge me!

I'm not. No, I'm not, I'm not. Sorry.

Just, when you said "cat", I wasn't expec...

I mean, it's fine and everything.

Well, it's not. You didn't...?

No, fuck off! 'Course not!

Sorry. Again, no judgment.

I'm not a bleedin' pervert.

I know you're not.

Whatever it is, I don't care.

All right.

I was only a kid, now.

I was about 12 or 13,

and I was in my nanny's, at the kitchen table, doing my homework.

Well, pretending to anyways.

And the cat comes over, looking for food or attention, whatever.

She was annoying me.

And I put my hand out to push her away.

And she licked my hand,

there.

Here? Yeah, it's weird, I know.

I'm embarrassed. Don't be, it's not weird.

Was it like this?

Yeah.

And all this time, have you longed for someone to lick you like a cat?

Yeah.

GRINNER COCKS GUN

Look what Daddy found!

Ew! What the fuck, man?!

I'm not going to kill yous, if that's what yous are thinking.

What?!

No. Why... Why would we think that?

That's exactly what we were thinking.

If all we've got is this yoke

and your shitty little pistol with no ammo, then we're dead meat.

Come on.

Let's go and get tooled up.

Just to clarify, what do you mean by "all tooled up"?

It means I'm not going to stand around too long in the same place

scratching my bollocks, because Wesley Swanson will find us.

He'll find a way.

SHEEP BLEAT

You can get anything in here, and I mean anything.

Can you get Hula Hoops?

I would murder a pint.

Is the horse man in? WOMAN: Chick?

Who else would I be talking about? Inside.

Tell him I'll see him at six o'clock, OK?

Chick!

I'll see you later, OK?

Nice one.

You've been away, Grinner.

It must have been something serious enough to keep you quiet.

Hi. That's a bottle of whiskey story.

I miss the smell of this stuff.

Your health, Gringo!

Have you got money, Grinner? Money makes the world go round.

Oh, yeah.

I do.

Loads of money.

HORSE SNORTS

Would you like to give Teddy a drink?

HORSE WHINNIES

He'd like a car bomb.

He is a horse after my own heart.

How you doing, Teddy?

You've been away a long time, Grinner.

We all thought you were dead.

I was dead.

But you've come back for more.

Like the Lord himself.

A resurrection, huh? Back from the dead.

What are you looking for?

Guns and ammo?

All of the above.

What about a little pick-me-up for a start?

Madame.

Help yourself, ma'am.

You can have mine.

Really?

Thanks.

So, what about the money?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yous go and get the money.

Us?

What, are yous deaf?

How much money?

Enough for the drugs, the drink, the guns and any extra.

OK.

I, uh...

I have an old bazooka as well, out the back, if that's any use?

Where are we supposed to get money?

Paul, wait a sec.

Maybe we could rob that digger.

HE LAUGHS

What? Why?

We could use one to rob a bank. You're serious.

Yeah, I saw a video on TikTok of someone using one to rob a bank.

Ripped the ATM right out the wall.

Absolutely not. I'm trying to get away from all that shite.

It's bad news. Guess we'll have to think of something else, then.

There she is now.

Don't talk to me.

Queer-looking thing.

Duck lamp.

Lamp in the shape of a duck.

It was her mother's.

TOILET FLUSHES

Bunny...!

Bunny! I've got this. I've got this.

Whoa, whoa, relax now!

You don't want to do anything stupid.

GUN CLICKS

Come on.

GRUNTING

SHE YELLS

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS NEARBY

What's going on here?

"Paul Mescal Lookalike Contest."

It's a sign.

Nah, I don't think so.

I think I'd prefer to rob a bank.

Ah, go on, what have you got to lose?

My dignity.

I'm really not feeling this. I think you're a shoo-in.

Oh, sorry!

Would you watch where you're going?!

You watch where YOU'RE going.

Young women these days, they have no manners.

That's half the problem.

Oh, fuck up your mout'!

I got another one for you.

Ah, stop.

You can't enter unless you're togged out in football shorts.

Well... But he doesn't have any shorts.

All right, you can borrow a pair in the back.

SHE SNIFFS

HE GROANS

Oh, God...

Is he...?

Are you cryin'?

It's totally fair, like, if you are.

Killin' a fella...the shock of it.

Do you want to let go of that?

Thank you, bitches!

I love you all!

CHEERING

And now to the main event of the evening,

please make some noise for our sexy Paul Mescals!

CHEERING

Oh, my, just look at those legs!

Check them out!

SHE MOUTHS

Pasty and Irish has never looked so good!

Woo! They're not normal people, they're hot people!

Yes! Right, let's put these boys through their paces!

GRINNER SNORTS

Anyway...

Yeah, anyway...

Uh-uh, hold up, aye, not that one there.

Eh? Why not?

It's horse Viagra, so it is.

Horse Viagra?

You heard me the first time.

It's experimental, like. Can be a bit hit-and-miss.

But if I get the formula right, I'm on to a winner.

Horses need Viagra?

They do indeed. Indeed they do.

They get the nerves like any other man in Christendom.

Teddy here does get shy around the ladies sometimes.

Don't you, Teddy?

TEDDY SNORTS

It's never been tested on humans, mind.

I wouldn't advise it.

It fair packs a punch.

Oh...!

Hmm.

All right, let's get out our numero siete.

Number seven!

CHEERING

Yeeeaaaahh!

Mmm! Slap an 11 onto that and I'd stay open all hours!

OK, show us what you've got.

Come on, lad! Woo-woo!

Mm...

Hmm.

WHISPERS: Hands in pockets.

Ohhhh! Mmm! AUDIENCE: Ooh!

APPLAUSE

Oh! He is giving so much realness, yes!

Yes, let me hear what you think of this realness, bitches!

Oh! Oh!

He is serving arms. Woo! He is serving blue steel.

He is serving boy-next-door!

Brilliant!

But it's not official till we hear what our judges have to say.

Hmmmm!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Oh! Yay!

Oh!

CHEERING

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

AUDIENCE BOOS

Oh, boo!

Boo! Boo!

No craic.

Right, number eight, up you come.

Prick.

So petty, like, not giving it to you just cos we had a row with him.

Wasn't that more a row with you?

Paul, I think you forgot your trousers.

Bollocks. Do you want to go back?

Fuck it, just leave it.

What are we going to do for money?

Look!

It's that prick judge.

It's his bank.

It even has an ATM.

What do you think?

GRINNER SNORTS

This horse Viagra's bleedin' muck.

Didn't I tell you it was experimental?

Nothing's happening.

TEDDY SNORTS

All right, Teddy.

All right, I'll chop you out a cuntin' line now

if you stop annoying me, eh?

Good lad. He understands you?

Of course he understands me. Why wouldn't he?

TEDDY WHINNIES

All right, Teddy, all right.

You've been a very patient boy all evening.

There's a good lad.

There you go, Teds.

Now you're cooking. There's a good horsey.

SHOUTS: Oh, fuck!

You all right there, Grinner?

No!

Agh! Fuck!

Agh! I'm in fucking agony here!

Aah...

Hmm, looks like she's kicking in now, all right.

Make it stop. Make it fucking stop.

Get me a... Get me a fucking brazzer or something, will you?

A brazzer would be no good to you now.

We wouldn't have the time to organise it anyway.

What am I going to do?!

Well, you may go and take the edge off it. How, I don't know.

As soon as you can, or you'll end up in A&E,

or fucking worse, six foot under

with a separate coffin beside you for your fucking lad, eh?

HE MOANS

Gitsy, what's the story? Come here, how do I rob a digger?

What?! A digger.

You know the big bleedin'... The yellow yokes?

Um, send us a photo of it, then, and I'll see what I can do.

Bye.

Gitsy's going to send us a video on how to rob one now.

Seriously? Yeah.

How are you fixed there, Grinner?

Are you getting any satisfaction at all?

Yeah, that doesn't help, you out there talking to me.

Oh, well...

GRINNER GRUNTS

Fuck! I'll keep me mouth shut, so.

Put your back into it, best you can.

Keep at it, as the fella says.

I, um...

GRINNER GRUNTS

..have an old photo of Sophia Loren in a magazine out the back,

if that's any use to you. This isn't going to work!

What am I going to do, Chick?!

How am I going to get this to go down?!

Well...

..there might be a way.

GRINNER GRUNTS

But, um...I've never done it on a human.

Yeah, that'll be enough to find him.

Britney, phone up there and find out where that yoke is registered.

No, Ma.

All you have to do is you save it, open it in your photos,

swipe, and you get the metadata.

The what?!

The metadata, Ma. The what?

The metadata!

The metada... I'm not bleedin' saying it again!

He's here.

That's only ten minutes away.

I know what you're playing at, Gitsy.

You're driving nice and slow, aren't you?

So he might have a fightin' chance of getting away.

Well, if you don't put that boot down,

I'll batter you to fucking bits!

SQUELCHING

The fuck? You're not putting that up my hoop, are you?

Nah, only just have to milk you.

Right.

You ready? Hit it.

MUSIC: A Trace Of A Heartache by Margo

# You say he asked last night how I was getting on... #

This is brilliant!

# I hope you told him that I'm doing fine... #

Woo!

# Doing fine

# I hope you told him how I go out having fun

# Having fun

# And time has healed the hurt... #

SQUELCHING

What the fuck are you lookin' at?

Don't mind, Teddy.

We're really going to tear it up now.

You think you can handle the glove?

Yeah, go on. Go for it.

That's it.

GRINNER GROANS

That's it, boy.

You're doin' great. You're flyin'.

No bother to you at all.

You're in the final furlong.

GRINNER GROANS

Oh, yep, that's the job.

One last jump and you're home.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

# Just tell him that I've found someone to take his place... #

Oh, my fuckin' God.

# Take his place

# A boy who saves his kisses just for me

# Just for me

# You'll never see a teardrop rolling down my face

# Down my face

# I'm still the happy girl I used to be

# Used to be

# There's just the trace of... #

Come on, now, Grinner, concentrate!

What's going on over there?

SQUELCHING

I think...Grinner's getting wanked off by the horse man.

I could be wrong, though. No, that is what it looks like, all right.

This night couldn't get any weirder.

Oh, my God!

Holy fucking shit! Fucking hell!

THEY LAUGH

Here, pull in for a second, I need to go for a wee.

What? Hurry!

HE SIGHS

Right.

The body's still in the toilet.

Just go by the side of the road.

No, what are we going to do about the body?

We'll figure something out.

Jesus.

20, 40, 60, 80...

One...

Where's Grinner?

Man's gone to get himself cleaned up.

Oh, I see yous have money.

I like money.

We need to get rid of that digger.

Will you load up the car with the gear? OK.

Don't be long.

What are you doing?

Ah, just a wee bit of adding and subtracting.

Mostly subtracting.

Subtracting? Mm.

For what?

Well, the drink, the drugs, a few extras.

Yous had a fair old whelt of the white, if I recall.

So what do we get for our money?

That's all?!

Well, yous did eat me out of house and home.

Sure, this yoke looks banjaxed. Does it even work?

Maybe.

Great.

It's worth about the same as a bag of white.

Fuck it anyway.

SHE SNORTS

GRINNER GROANS

He's all set now.

I don't want to know.

Take two of these on the hour, every hour.

It should keep everything nice and calm.

Or on the off chance that the pills don't work,

you'll need this.

What the fuck is it?

I call it...

..the cock blade.

Only to be used in emergencies.

All else fails - tkkk!

Let the air out of the tyre.

Goodbye.

GRUFFLY: Thanks.

As a dog returneth to his vomit,

so a fool returneth to his folly.

What's that?

That is the estate where

the treasure was first found.

Grinner must have come back.

Are we going to catch the baddies, Uncle Wes?

Yeah. WALDO JR CHUCKLES

Yes, we are.

Where is he? He's coming back now.

He needs to hurry up.

We need to get back and prepare for war.

Come on, Paul.

Gitsy.

Sorry, bro.

"Fuck Ma Baker"?

Is that what I heard you say?

BRIDGET COCKS GUN

Back the fuck away, bitch.

You know what the best strategy in a war is, Waldo Jr, son?

No, what is it, Uncle Wes?

The element...

..of surprise.