Original subtitles

Yeah, baby. Come on. Show Mama the booty.

Oh, yeah. You know what I like.

Giddyup.

Come on. Make me proud. Ring my bell.

Yeah.

Okay. You're losing me.

Well, I'm kind of stuck here.

That's because it's shoes first then pants.

I'm sorry.

It's just-- I can't remember how it goes.

Could you just show me one more time?

All right. But just one more time.

You start with your hips.

Just hear the music with your hips.

Right. Got it. Got it.

And then you take your belt off.

Belt. Got it.

Good. Because tomorrow night I'm coming to bed with a fistful of singles.

And I expect to fall asleep broke.

Dharma?

You notice something?

It's okay. We'll just kiss for a while.

All right. I'll be right back.

Calm down, fellas.

What is it?

Hey, boys. What's wrong?

-lt must be a mouse or something. -No. It's not a mouse.

They only growl when they're scared.

Like when they hear your mom's voice on the answering machine.

Look at that.

It's like a patch in the wall.

It's a door.

Cool, open it up.

It's probably just an access to pipes or wiring.

Greg, it's a secret door. Open it.

Let's see what's inside.

I just took a shower.

Open it.

God, that is not funny.

Breakfast is ready.

Greg?

Greg?

Greg?

Hello, Dolly.

-Still not funny? -No.

-What are you doing in there? -Come here.

See?

I cleaned it out. This is gonna be a great storage space.

Yeah. For our blood-drained bodies.

Yeah, or skis.

I was thinking of giving the dolls to a charity.

What? Like "The Salvation Army of Darkness"?

Dharma, you're not really scared of these things, now, are you?

No. I'm wet-myself-scared of them, Greg.

I'm telling you there is bad energy up here.

There's no such thing as good or bad energy. It's how we perceive it.

Yeah, well:

What do I know?

Let's just board up the devil's doggy door...

...and pretend we never found this place, okay?

Okay.

Mama.

Oh, my God. The doll just said "Dharma. "

No.

It said "Mama. " See?

Mama.

I am not your mama. Go back to hell.

-Happy housewarming. -Thanks.

It-- It's open.

Yeah.

It's good too.

-Heard you got some evil demons. -Don't tell me you believe that stuff too?

No. But you gotta admit it's pretty spooky what happened...

...to the people who lived here before you.

-What happened? -They were kind of quiet...

...kept to themselves, never talked to anybody.

One day they moved, no one ever heard from them again.

Spooky, huh?

Everything's spooky when you say it.

What a lovely gift, Larry.

-Did you make this yourself? -Yup.

You're right, Edward. He is part savant.

Handcrafted with handcrafted handcrafting tools...

...that I handcrafted.

Then there's the other part.

I sell them Saturdays at the East Bay Swapmeet.

-You ever go? -No. No.

Sadly, Saturday is when I take my laundry down to the crick.

Now, tell me, if I wanted to purchase a set like this...

...how would I do it without actually venturing into the East Bay?

I don't know. I don't sell them anywhere else.

What she means is, Finkelstein, can she buy one from you now?

Oh, sure. T ell her yes.

He says yes.

Wow, that sounds creepy.

There's nothing creepy about them. They're a bunch of old dolls.

-Yeah. But they scared her, right? -Right.

So after?

Was she raring to go?

What are you talking about?

Come on, Greg. It's common knowledge.

A frightened woman is an aroused woman.

Yeah. That's why you take a date to a scary movie, a haunted house.

Slip a homeless guy 5 bucks to put on a ski mask and knock on the window.

Oh, jeez, Pete.

Greg.

She sounds scared.

Excuse me.

Still not funny.

-What? -That.

Wha--?

What are the dolls doing back?

Oh, come on.

Dharma, I didn't put them back.

Are you serious? Because it'd be an excellent joke.

You got me.

Dharma, I did not unpack the dolls.

Oh, God.

-This is a real head-scratcher. -You scratch. I'm moving.

What?

Where are you going? We're having a housewarming.

Yeah, it's warm enough, Greg. What are you waiting for? A pitchfork in the ass?

Come on. Just think of the guests, please?

You're right.

Okay. Everybody, can I have your attention, please?

Okay, I don't wanna be a downer.

But it turns out that our apartment is a portal to hell.

And we should probably just do the housewarming somewhere else.

She--

What is this? Some sort of Halloween prank?

Why? Are you afraid?

Sweetie, are you all right?

Me? Oh, I'm-- I'm fine.

I'm having a hard time adjusting to the devil dolls that are behind my closet.

-What? -We found a room full of old dolls.

And Dharma thinks they're possessed by evil spirits and she wants to move.

Oh, Dharma, don't be silly.

There's no reason to be afraid of a bunch of old dolls.

That's what I'm telling her.

There's plenty of reasonable things you can do.

Exactly.

You can have a s�ance, build a spirit trap.

Oh, God.

Heck, if none of that works...

...you know your Aunt Joan's a white witch.

Come on.

A white witch on wheels.

-Am I right? -Yeah.

This is seriously creepy.

I'm not getting anything.

I'm not wearing my good crystals, so--

Do you think they got mad when Greg boxed them up?

Well, it's possible.

But I'm just not feeling anyth--

Wait a minute.

There is a distinct chill.

Like the cold breath of a disturbed spirit.

Sure.

Maybe an unfinished room with no insulation?

That is another possibility.

Listen. I'm sure that there's a reasonable explanation for all this.

Maybe. But how do you explain little Dharma and Greg?

On the offense, number 74.

Half the distance. Still first down.

So you' re saying you weren't scared?

Scared of what? Dolls?

Jane said you screamed.

I did not scream.

She said you screamed like a woman.

It's because I was in pain. I fell.

She said you fell pushing Abby out of the way.

Look at that. Look at him run.

Maybe a doll scared him.

Would you just let it go?

You smell something burning?

That's sage. White sage.

And why is white sage burning?

Because Dharma and her mother and Jane are having a kind of exorcism.

Honey, have you seen the big plastic trash can and the molasses?

-Kitchen. -Thanks.

-Trash can? -Spirit catcher.

It's got a good, tight lid.

And so, what? You catch more evil spirits with molasses than with vinegar?

Hey, buddy, those dolls look just like us.

Nice work, Finkelstein.

-Nice. -Thanks.

Hey, check this out.

I built you a little secret compartment.

-For what? -Up to you.

It's your secret compartment.

And take a look at this.

It has an airtight seal.

It will keep things fresh.

What am I gonna keep in there? Salad?

That's entirely up to you.

Because it's my secret salad.

Bingo.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Exactly, my friend.

And I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, Larry, that is wonderful.

-Thank you. -My pleasure.

It's not level.

I can adjust that.

There you go. Solid as the white man's hold on the Senate.

You're not going to leave that matchbook under there, are you?

You bet.

She means don't leave that under there.

Edward, I can speak for myself.

Don't you want to sand the legs so that they're level?

No. Not really.

She means do it.

Okay.

Thank you.

What does that mean?

I don't know. But it rarely means thank you.

Man.

Do you feel the difference?

The space is so clean.

So you're happy now? We're not moving?

No need to. We kicked some serious demon butt today.

That ought to teach them to screw with the living.

Speaking of which.

I do believe a certain lawyer owes me a striptease.

You want me to take my pajamas off and put on a suit just to take it off again?

Just start taking off your pajamas and we'll see how far you get.

Oh, my God. Did you hear that? Someone's walking around in the closet.

Could be the dogs.

The dogs don't wear shoes.

In front of us.

God.

Okay.

-You stay here. I'll be back. -No, we can't split up.

-Then come with me. -Okay.

No, wait, I have a better idea.

We go down, get in your car, drive till it's out of gas, get out and keep running.

-Come on. -Wait, wait, wait.

Okay.

Okay, whoever you are.

I'm a cop who was kicked off the force because I couldn't play by the rules.

And I am a Navy SEAL with PMS.

Come on.

All right, whoever you are...

...I'm not kidding around.

Don't move.

I'm turning on the light.

Dharma. Dharma.

-God. Greg, we gotta get out of here. -No, no, no.

There's got to be a logical explanation.

Good, go.

-Well, obviously-- -You've got squat, lawyer boy.

Come on. Wake up and smell the dead people.

Dharma, somebody is obviously playing some kind of practical joke on us.

And I'm gonna stay here and spend the night until I catch whoever it is.

Oh, my God. Look.

I could use a little company.

Stinky. Nunzio.

Get in here and keep Daddy company.

You asleep?

Oh, yeah. Right.

I got a bucket of baby heads staring at me. I'm sleeping.

You didn't really play with dolls much when you were growing up, did you?

No. I wasn't allowed to.

My parents believed...

...that little dolls forced the motherhood paradigm on little girls.

-So, what did you play with? -A lot of things.

I had a dump truck.

I dressed it up, named it Barbie, so they took her away from me.

Poor ant farm Ken had to go to the prom alone.

-No. No. Dharma. Dharma. -Greg, help me. She's got me.

Wait, wait. I've got you. I've got you. Now, calm down.

It was just some old woman.

Hello? Hello, ma'am?

-Don't try anything. I got a bat. -Oh, yeah? Well, I've got a curling iron.

All right, all right.

Let's just all take a deep, deep breath and put our weapons down.

What are you doing in my attic?

Your attic? We thought this was our closet.

Are you the ones that have been moving my dolls around?

I'm sorry. We had no idea.

I thought I was going out of my mind.

First my dolls were moving around by themselves.

And then there was the chanting.

And then the dreadful smell.

And then something oozing down from the ceiling.

Molasses.

What did you think you were doing?

Getting rid of evil spirits.

Well, I hope you're happy.

You scared the daylights out of me.

We scared you?

What about the hanging doll? What was that about?

I was painting her feet.

She was drying.

What about the dolls that look just like us? How do you explain that?

Oh, well...

...I don't get out much.

So I just sit and look out the window...

...and make dolls out of the people I see.

If you wanna make the doll that looks like me more accurate...

...just put her little head up her butt.

This is a very awkward way to meet a neighbor.

Why don't you come for tea sometime?

-I'm Mrs. Shumaker. -Hi.

-I'm in 5B. -We'll do that.

-Good night. -Good night.

-Good night. -Sorry.

-Sleep tight. -Okay, you too.

Told you.

Is that how you wanna play this?

Yes, please.

Morning.

God, did you spend the entire night here?

Yup. Once I start something, I like to finish it.

Otherwise I tend to forget.

I see.

I didn't have my level so I had to eyeball it.

But take a look--

Perfect.

Larry, how are we expected to use this table?

Way ahead of you.

-What a cute little table. -Thanks.

Reminds me of when I was stationed in Japan.

But of course we didn't have these cute little chairs there.

Wobbly.

I'll fix that.

I'll just put a matchbook there.

Why did I get out of bed? Why?

What does that mean?

That means she's gonna start drinking early today.

Dharma, maybe we should just leave her a note.

Greg, we haunted the poor woman. The least we can do is bring her a cake.

It's devil's food. Think she'll get the joke?

Yeah. But I wouldn't open with it.

-Hello? -Hi.

We're looking for Mrs. Shumaker.

Who?

The older woman who makes the dolls?

Oh, you must mean my grandmother.

Yes. She asked us to stop by. We brought her a cake.

My grandmother's been dead for 1 5 years.

No. That can't be right. We just saw her last night.

What is this? Some kind of sicko joke? The woman is dead.

You get the dogs. I'll get the car.

-Why do I have to get the dogs? -They're your dogs.

They're gone.

I got her good.

So this is a Halloween tradition for you guys?

Yeah. I scare the crap out of her.

She turns around and does it to me.

How long has this been going on?

This is the first year.

Wait a minute. So it wasn't a real old lady?

No. It was a real old lady.

But Jane put her up to it.

Oh, I missed that.

But we really are dolls inhabited by spirits of the undead, right?

If we weren't, would we be able to do this?

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