Original subtitles

Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.

Come on. Come on, buddy.

Let's go. Let's go.

We gotta go, okay?

We gotta go.

Mr. Tickles!

Don't worry about Mr. Tickles.

We'll get you a new Mr. Tickles.

-Mommy! -Hey.

Okay. Buddy, look.

Look, Mommy's waiting for us.

We're gonna go see Mommy, okay?

Timmy!

Timmy!

Timmy no!

♪♪ It's a beautiful world ♪♪

♪♪ A wonderful life ♪♪

♪♪ A beautiful day ♪♪

♪♪ A wonderful way to live ♪♪

♪♪ So I picked up the paper ♪♪

♪♪ I threw out the news ♪♪

♪♪ Read all the comments ♪♪

♪♪ Read the reviews ♪♪

♪♪ Debates about nothing beginning to end ♪♪

♪♪ Life is what you make it ♪♪ ♪♪ And I say it's a beautiful ♪♪

♪♪ A wonderful life ♪♪

♪♪ A beautiful day ♪♪

♪♪ As long as I make you smile ♪♪

♪♪ I'm just living and I'm just fine ♪♪

♪♪ But don't expect nobody to read my mind ♪♪

♪♪ So I stick around and see what I can find ♪♪

Mama.

♪♪ So don't get down ♪♪

♪♪ Stay up high ♪♪

♪♪ And know it's a wave ♪♪

♪♪ But that everyone cries ♪♪

♪♪ Everyone's got their burdens to bear ♪♪

♪♪ Just know you're not alone ♪♪

♪♪ Not alone out there ♪♪

♪♪ There's always someone who needs you ♪♪

♪♪ Right about now ♪♪

♪♪ Somebody who needs you ♪♪

♪♪ So show them how ♪♪

♪♪ And if you're feeling down ♪♪

♪♪ Beautiful world ♪♪

♪♪ A wonderful life ♪♪

♪♪ A beautiful day ♪♪

♪♪ As long as I can make you smile ♪♪

Hey, reporting for duty!

♪♪ It's a beautiful world ♪♪

Where the fuck am I supposed to go?

Oh, shit!

You scared the shit outta me, man.

I thought you were a dummy.

I mean, I didn't think you were a dummy.

I thought you were like a...

Like a mannequin, you know?

So are you a method actor?

Is that why you're out here getting in your scenery?

Make sure you know you're all synced up for tonight?

I think it's great that Mr. Bull

only hires professional actors.

Yeah, I really like your mask.

I think that's incredible.

This is the cheap the got me.

Yeah, I don't really think I'm gonna scare anyone with this,

but maybe one day I'll get a mask like yours.

I'm really impressed with your entire outfit.

I think all that's incredible.

And is that blood real?

Okay, just my pants for the second time today.

Look, all right, if we're gonna work together, that's fine,

but I'm gonna respect your personal space,

please respect mine.

I value you, you value me.

We're gonna be coworkers.

But hey, I'd still like to meet up later

over lunch or something

'cause I really wanna learn everything about this place.

Anyway, I'm supposed to cut the weeds right now.

Do you know where I need to go to do that?

Or are they over here?

They told me it was by the skeletons.

There's a lot of skeletons here though, so...

Yeah?

All right, so I'm gonna go do that now.

But before that, I know this is a bad habit,

but I'm a little nervous after what just happened.

So, yeah, if you don't mind, I'm just going to-

Damn it all to hell, Tickles!

He just started!

What the fuck did he do?

Use your brain!

Shit. Really?

Really?

Really, really, really, really!

Dammit.

We needs to get you a therapist, boy.

At least you could've let him finish

cleaning up the graveyard.

What do you think?

Hell's Waiting Room or The Zombie Room?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, we could use some fresh blood

and meat in The Butcher's Room.

All right, load his ass up in the trailer.

I'll takes care of the rest of him.

Load. Trailer.

I'll take care of it.

Hurry up, boy.

That's it. To the meat locker.

Get to the fucking meat locker.

Is she coming?

Yes.

My sweetheart will be here soon

and we'll all be reunited.

Love you, Mimi.

Wish me luck.

I'm Creole, which is a mixed bag of races and cultures.

And a big part of it is voodoo.

You know, spirits spells, things like that.

And I've always been a little bit curious.

I mean, who wouldn't be?

So when I saw your ad for a camera operator

for a paranormal investigating show,

I thought, "What the hell?"

Well, if you'd like to go around the country with us

looking for ghosts, we'd love to have you.

-Really? -Yeah.

Yeah, we decided before you got here

that if you didn't show up with three heads, we'd hire you.

Get your head outta your ass, boy!

Yessir, boss.

Hurrying up as fast as I can.

Time is money!

Yes, sir. I know that.

I know that.

Scarface-looking motherfucker

Come one, come all!

No one's too tall!

Hey, get on in there, asshole!

Put that shit out here.

-Oh! -You missed!

You suck, dude.

-How many you got? -Four.

Four? It's gonna be 80 bucks.

Oh, yeah.

I'm getting a little hot in here.

Oh, man, this is really nice.

Hold on to me, babe.

Stop it, asshole!

Oh, great. What is this?

-I'm so scared! -How's it going?

How are ya, buddy? How are ya?

What's up, man? How you doing?

How are ya?

Nice to see ya again!

Look at his chin.

-Chinny chin chin! -It's so cute!

It's nice and wet in here!

Gross! I'm moving!

Wow.

Ooh, so scary.

Come.

Come, my darling.

Come!

Come, have a seat.

Don't be shy.

Let me tell you your fortune.

What are you doing?

Come on.

Just getting my fortune told.

What?

Come on, let's go.

Shit!

Ally, what?

Sorry, I just had a really weird dream.

That sounded like a nightmare.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ghosts?

No, I've been dreaming a lot

about my grandmother recently.

Is she dead or...

Shit, Mable.

I was just wondering if her granny's a ghost or not.

Oh my god, Eric.

Well?

What did granny have to say?

Well, she passed.

She said to drive carefully.

James, you getting sleepy?

Yeah, a little.

Somebody else wanna take over for me for a bit?

Cut that shit out, asshole.

Yo, I think there's a real person in there.

Get off me!

A real person?

Yo, they're supposed to be real monsters here!

All right, come on. This is stupid.

-Let's go, you dipshits. -No, wait, wait, wait.

-What? -Give him a kiss.

-Get off! -Hey!

Hey, hey, what the fuck!

Run, run, run, run, run!

Fuck!

Jesus.

God, you don't have to be so rough!

Shit, man.

Yeah, we're gonna sue your ass.

Yeah, do you know who his dad is?

'Cause if you do, let him know. He has no fucking clue.

Punk.

Yo, fuck that guy.

When are we gonna have enough money

to get a hotel room on these trips?

What? You don't like the great outdoors?

I don't wanna spend all of our budget on a hotel room

and then we won't have anything to pay ourselves,

and then we can't pay our rent.

Oh, well, I'm sure we could afford

some roadside motel or something.

Hey, some of those roadside motels are haunted.

And we're scared of the bedbugs in those places anyway.

And the blotches that show up because of the UV lights?

-Yeah. -Yeah. So true.

I hate clowns.

-Yeah, but clowns like you. -Get the fuck away from me.

Hey, guys.

I got an idea.

Yeah?

Me too.

Oh, fuck, come on!

I'm sitting right here!

What's your idea, asshole?

It's a great idea.

Yeah? First time for everything, huh, baby?

Yep.

Hey, Chuck, you still got that can

of spray paint in the back?

Yeah.

All right, let's go.

Let's do it.

Yo, you're a smart man.

What's the occasion?

To celebrate Ally's maiden voyage.

To Ally.

-To Ally. -To Ally.

Now, in our grand tradition of

popping the newbie's cherry-

Oh my God.

If you'll excuse the expression,

Ally has to tell us a ghost story.

-Absolutely. Mm-hmm. -Yeah, she does.

Ally.

Okay, okay, okay.

Once upon a time, deep in the woods-

And there was a drip, drip, drip, blood everywhere.

Fuck!

Hey, what are you doing?

Shut the fuck up, Dustin.

Sally, what the hell?

Bring the light back over here.

Hey, are you afraid of ghosts?

-Ooh! -Ooh!

All right, here we go.

And ta-da!

Boy, what the hell is that?

It's like a fucking dinosaur

-or something. -Let's go!

Come on!

-Let's get out here. -Fuck out of here, guys.

All right, I think it's this way.

-Oh, fuck, a dead end. -Oh, shit.

Dustin, get me out of here now!

Okay, okay, I think it's this way.

Shit!

And they were all dragged off to their deaths.

-Are you serious? -How was that?

-That was terrible. -So weak.

-That was bad. -So weak.

-You can do better. -Okay, okay.

But I'm warning you, it's a really scary story.

And I bet it's all true, right?

Of course.

In Louisiana, a beautiful Creole baby girl

with eyes the color of lapis

was born to the voodoo high priestess,

the most powerful priestess in all the parish.

Her name was Mimi.

Mimi was growing to be the most beautiful woman

they had seen in generations

and even more powerful than her mother.

One day, a woman from a neighboring parish

comes to see the Voodoo Queen

and was crying about her husband.

Her husband had a baby with another woman.

She wanted her to kill her adulterous husband,

the woman, and the baby.

The Voodoo Queen told the woman

that she didn't work black magic and to get out.

The woman got really angry

and started cursing at the Voodoo Queen

and yelling at the top of her lungs.

Mimi ran into the room

and blew some ashes from the funeral pyre

of a great Haitian witch and cast a spell on the woman.

The woman stopped yelling, turned and walked away.

A few days later, they found her half eaten body

by the alligator nest.

The Voodoo Queen got so angry with Mimi

that she kicked her out.

Papillon voodoo priestess do not perform black magic.

So Mimi packed up her things and moved away.

So what happened to Mimi?

Legend has it she joined the circus

and became a fortune teller.

That was a good story.

Hey, man, chill!

What the fuck's your problem?

Now, why are you all wanting to vandalize my property?

-Listen, man. We're sorry. -We're sorry.

We didn't mean it, I promise.

We were just being teenagers.

You know how it is?

Yeah, we were just messing around.

-We didn't mean anything by it. -Just having fun, you know?

Just joking around.

This place?

It's our livelihood.

-Yes, sir. We understand. -We're sorry!

-We didn't mean it. -Shut the fuck up!

I wasn't finished.

Have you no respect?

You spoiled, narcissistic little pricks.

I can't say I blame you.

You were raised by hilbred cretin

who had the misfortune of procreating

while they were still in high school.

What should we do with them, Tickles?

Fuck, man. Please don't call the cops.

-This will be my third strike. -I'm sorry!

-We didn't mean it! -Please! Please!

-We'll do anything! -We'll do anything!

We'll clean the place. We'll do whatever you want!

These brats need to be taught a lesson.

Sally gives great head.

And if Sally gives you head, can we leave, please?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

How the fuck would you know Sally gave great head?

-Dustin, stop! -No!

How the fuck would you know

-that you gave great head? -It was a long time ago!

I didn't mean it! We had broken up!

We only broke up for 36 hours!

Shit, you know how many hours y'all were broken up?

Did I say you to say fucking anything?

Did I say?

Guess we can't leave 'em here now, can we, Tickles?

Lucky's Bar and Grill has been known

to exhibit paranormal activity

and is a favorite among ghost hunters.

Cool. Let's do it.

Hello?

Hello?

Is anyone here?

Maybe he's in the bathroom or something.

♪♪ Wake up into the dark ♪♪

♪♪ Only time will tell ♪♪

♪♪ Do I let my soul embark ♪♪

♪♪ Only time will tell ♪♪

♪♪ Will I see heaven or hell ♪♪

♪♪ Only time will tell ♪♪

Sorry, I didn't hear y'all come in.

I'm sorry. Are you open?

Apparently I am now.

What y'all want?

Lunch or?

I can do lunch.

Menu's pretty limited though.

What's you got?

Hamburgers.

You got a salad?

Hamburgers.

Got lettuce and tomato for the hamburgers.

I guess you could pull 'em off the hamburgers

and make your own salad.

Gotcha.

So what you want?

Four hamburgers, I guess.

Good call.

Call drinks?

Four waters?

Four beers?

That's better.

Three beers and a vodka tonic.

Beer makes me gassy.

I'll be right back.

This place says it seemed haunted.

It's not.

Oh my goodness, sweetheart!

You scared me.

I didn't expect to see you here.

Looks like you've been busy.

Working on a new attraction?

Mama.

Oh, my.

Disgraceful.

Do you have another paintbrush?

That's a nice EMF meter you got there.

You know what that is?

Of course I do.

Getting any readings?

-No. -That's good

'Cause a couple weeks ago,

I spent a few thousand bucks to some shaman dude

to get rid of all of my ghosts.

You had paranormal activity?

Of course.

Nothing scary. I mean, they were just mischievous.

Move some bottles around, break some dishes.

Wasn't until they started drinking my good stuff

that they had to go.

Anyway, y'all enjoy.

Good thing you know them.

You can stay if you want.

Just don't drink the good stuff.

Yeah, that's better.

Can't have the F word all over our

fun-for-the-whole-family attraction, can we now?

Welcome to Hellbilly Hollow!

What you say, pissheads?

Come on.

Welcome to Hellbilly Hollow!

That's better. That's better.

You all need to keep your arms and legs

inside the haunted trailer at all times.

Now, why might this be? Why?

'Cause I want you to kicks them, got it?

Now, the monsters in the ghouls in the woods

are very hungry tonight.

So be careful.

Let's roll.

Faster! Go faster!

Here we go!

What do we have here, ladies and gentlemen?

Other than the newest, the coolest,

the greatest version of Whack-a-Mole.

We like to call it Whack-a-Troll.

Would anybody like to take a turn?

-Yeah, I'll do it. -I'll do it.

You right there!

Yes, you.

Okay, Tickles

Tickles.

Will you please give, what's your name?

Andrea.

Would you please give Andrea, the lovely Andrea, the club?

Just hand it over to her.

It's okay, buddy.

Give her the club. You got it.

She's good. She's good.

Give lovely Andrea the club.

That's it.

Andrea, are you ready to rock and roll and Whack-a-Troll?

Let's go!

Ooh!

We got the double bingo B13!

Andrea, you're a winner.

Help me, help me.

Grandmother.

Ally?

Ally?

Ally, you're sleepwalking.

Evenin', brother.

It's already lit, Tickles.

It's already lit. You know that, boy.

I got you some of your favorite pizza.

Sit down right here.

Pull up a chair over there.

Move it to the pizza.

Open that up. Get down to it.

It's your favorite.

Yeah. Get you a slice.

You deserve it.

I love you, Tickles.

You did good.

I got somethings I wanna talk to you about.

We are here at a Civil War era iron work site and hotel.

Every year, an apparition of a woman running can be seen

as her husband chases her down and shoots her dead,

then promptly turns the gun on himself.

Pretty, huh?

I thought she'd like her.

These folks called me the other day

about shooting an episode

of one of their ghost hunting shows,

doing some series on haunted attractions,

like all Hellbilly Hollow property, Tickles.

I thought, "What a fucking pain in the ass."

But then I thought, "How apropos.

Have them folks out, and yous and I have a little fun."

You knows how we like to have a little fun.

Good.

She'll be here tomorrow.

Right tomorrow.

♪♪ I wanna go to a happy place ♪♪

♪♪ A happy place with you ♪♪

♪♪ I wanna go to a happy place ♪♪

♪♪ And be happy with you ♪♪

Good afternoon.

I'm James Hobbs.

Are you Bull?

I am.

We spoke on a phone a few days ago.

We're Paranormal Scream Team?

The YouTube show?

Yes. Yes, I remember.

Welcome to Hillbilly Hollow.

I'm Mabel, one of the producers and the talent.

And this is Eric, audio guy, and Ally, camera operator.

Nice to meet you.

Your hands. Nice to meet you.

We appreciate you letting us

film an episode at your place.

Been looking at it on the internet.

Seems like a fan favorite among the people in the area.

Not just the area.

People come from Atlanta, Nashville, all around

to experience Hellbilly Hollow.

Really? Why is that?

Wait, let's actually get this on camera.

Yeah. Good idea.

Guys, get the gear.

Mr. Bull, is this an okay time?

Is there some place here really cool

where we could shoot a short interview with you?

Yeah, I think I can come up with somewhere really cool.

It was Halloween.

I saw the other farmers doing this,

so I decided to try it too.

Hoping to make up for some of my deficits.

So I built a small corn maze and a haunted house

and I invited my neighbors, and it took off from there.

And every year, got bigger and bigger and bigger.

And here we are today.

Do you still grow soybeans and pigs?

You can't grow pigs.

Yes, I know that.

Yes, I have a small pasture of hogs.

And I still grow soybeans.

Cool.

Now, if we're finished here, I have some more work to do.

Oh, okay. Yes.

Sorry about that. Thank you for your time.

Actually, I do have just one more question.

Why don't you advertise that these woods are haunted?

'Cause they ain't.

Really?

When I was doing my research about this place,

I uncovered several stories of strange apparitions

and going ons happening out here.

Even several people that disappeared

in those woods over the years.

Is that so?

Mm-hmm.

Funny as I haven't heard anything about that.

Can you tell me about the traveling carnival

that stopped here about 40 years ago,

where everyone mysteriously died in a fire.

There was never a fire or a carnival here.

Just pigs.

And soybeans.

I think we need to wrap this up.

It's just a farm, Mable.

Okay. Just one more question is all, Mr. Bull.

I know we're here to highlight the attraction

and get you some advertising,

but we are also in the business

of paranormal investigatings.

I was wondering, would it be okay

if we stayed the night on the property?

We have all our own camping gear

and we'll just do a little ghost hunting.

Seems like such a dangerous request,

being that these woods are so haunted and all.

I guess we'll find out, won't we?

I will not be responsible for anything that happens.

Did you get that?

Do you agree?

I will not be responsible.

Yes, we agree.

You will not be responsible for anything that happens.

Did you get that on film, Ally?

Yeah.

Okay.

Anything, James?

No, we're good.

Still cut. Cut.

Thanks, Bull.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

What the fuck, Mabel?

What?

What? Why'd you try so hard to piss him off?

Another fucking night of sleeping on the ground, huh?

Are you serious right now, James?

-Yeah. -That guy is fucking nuts

and it's gonna make amazing TV content.

We're gonna get so many views, it's gonna go viral.

And besides, he is hiding something, I can tell.

Everyone's hiding something.

There was a fire on this property.

All of the carnies died and only one boy survived.

A little boy, that's it.

What's that fucking smell? Jesus Christ.

Oh, God!

You all right?

Yeah, I guess.

I just felt a little woozy.

I didn't eat much this morning.

Probably that smell.

Let's get some fresh air and then we can watch playback.

Okay.

Fine, all right. Just leave us here.

So I built a small corn maze and a haunted house

and I invited my neighbors, and it took off from there.

And every year, it got bigger and bigger and bigger.

And here we are today.

Wait, wait. Did you see that?

What?

Oh, I don't remember seeing that.

That is really weird.

That is really good, huh?

-Ally? -Yeah. Yeah, weird.

Are you okay?

You ever heard someone say,

"Someone just walked over my grave"

and get a weird shiver down your spine for no reason?

Hey, Mabel, Ally, where are you?

We're heading down to see the pigs.

Copy that.

Are you still mad at me?

Yeah.

Bull's hiding something, you're hiding something.

James, I'm sorry.

You came here for the haunting,

not the Halloween attraction.

Why can't we kill two birds with one stone?

I thought we were partners.

We are. It's just...

James, I know how you feel about fire stories.

How can you even say that to me? Huh, Mabel?

You...

You know my uncle died in a fire.

I know. I shouldn't have done it.

I shouldn't have, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

You know, I'm just trying to get our show on basic cable.

Some things never change.

James, come on. Forgive me.

Okay.

It's mostly 'cause I don't feel right about this place.

Ally getting to you?

No.

Is it Eric?

He's just being a little pussy

'cause he doesn't wanna sleep on the ground in a tent!

I can hear you and I'd wish you'd shut the fuck up.

I'm trying to get pig sounds.

Oh, shit!

What is it?

Look.

Whoa, shit, man. Be careful.

Pig's bite.

Had a second cousin that lost three fingers.

It's a prop.

Plastic.

I'm sorry, guys.

I don't think I was meant to be a ghost hunter.

Oh, it's okay.

It happens to all of us on our first investigation.

Right, guys?

All of this, it's just, it's bullshit,

So when's lunch?

You better wash your hands.

I'll get ya.

Sometimes a mouse runs into the wrong house.

Sometimes they come out clean.

These little mice ran into the wrong house.

They ran into my bad fucking dream.

Hey, guys.

I'm Mable from the Paranormal Scream Team.

I knew that was you! I knew it. That's awesome!

Can I get a picture with you?

Sure, but first, can we thumb you guys

as you go through Hellbilly Hollow?

You guys doing a show on this place?

Yeah! Of course y'all can come with us.

So are we gonna be on TV?

Yeah!

-Well, you two. -Oh, that's nice.

Okay, guys, you ready?

All right, camera's...

Camera's rolling, and action.

I'm here with my new friends.

Randy.

Stephanie.

Tammy

Paul.

They're graciously allowing us to accompany them

as they go through the southeast scariest haunted attraction

right here in Vincent, Alabama.

Hellbilly Hollow.

This is so creepy.

You asshole!

That freak grabbed my tits!

Aw, you fucking loved it.

God, I hate you!

Tammy!

Hey, big boobs!

Aw, Joey's gone! Joey's gone!

You got all that, right?

Well, that was cool.

Actually, that was pretty lame.

Well, that's a cut then.

I'm gonna ask you a couple questions.

Sure.

Let's do it over by the Hellbilly Hollow sign.

All right.

This is cool.

Okay, this is good right here.

Let's just line up here.

So Randy, what did you think of

Hellbilly Hollow's Haunted House?

Oh, man.

That was the scariest fucking hau-

Sorry, can I say that?

It's the internet.

Cool.

Okay, well, that was the scariest haunted house

I've ever been to in my life!

Right, Steph?

Where's Tammy?

I guess they got kidnapped by the monsters!

How's that?

Perfect. Thanks.

All right, cut.

Goddammit, are y'all coming or not?

Yeah. Yeah.

Here, let's go.

-Well, let's go. -Where's Tammy?

Come on, after you.

Are y'all ready?

-Hold on. -Hold on!

I'm really starting to worry.

About what? About them?

Yes about them!

Don't go in there.

Don't go in there, we're not gonna come back out.

Do not enter!

There's another one!

Oh, God!

Watch out behind you!

What the heck!

Bye!

He attacks and it's a polite monster.

Boo.

Get him, Eric.

Take that, man.

I think it's over.

Yo, Mable, you wanna film something.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, there.

So we seem to have survived the Haunted Hayride

through the Haunted Woods and Hellbilly Hollow.

Let's see how our friends fared.

Guys, what'd you think?

Oh, I didn't think we were gonna

make it out of that alive, you know?

Good job.

I think that's a good score from them.

They liked it. Thumbs up.

We survived Hellbilly Hollow.

We live for another day.

Last ride of the night. We're closing.

I thought we would catch up with them by now.

They're probably just in the Party Barn.

I hope you find them.

Thanks.

Well, I guess it's time to set up camp.

Yay.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

It is now 12:00 midnight.

Hellbilly Hollow is officially closed.

You must all be off the premises within 15 minutes.

We hope you enjoyed your visit.

Please drive carefully.

-I gotta go talk to them. -What? Why?

Hey? Hey?

Have y'all seen Tammy or Paul?

-We can't find them anywhere. -Is their car still here?

I got the keys.

Well, I mean, they probably just

caught a ride with someone?

They aren't answering their phones either.

Middle of nowhere, shitty cell service.

Yeah, I guess that's it.

You guys staying here tonight?

Yeah. We're ghost hunters, remember?

I wouldn't stay here overnight

for all the money in the world.

This place is really creeping me out.

Well, let's go.

See you guys.

They didn't get a ride home.

Help! Help!

You awfully pretty.

-I'd like to get me some. -Get me the fuck out of here!

Fresh honey smoked bacon on my burgers tonight!

That'd be really good shit.

Paul!

Tammy!

What we got here, Tickles?

Some condiments?

Paul! Paul!

Get your game under control, boy.

Please! Please!

Get me out, please!

Get off me!

Come on. Let's go.

Come on!

Goddammit, Tickles. You letting that boy whoop your ass?

Finish him off!

Paul! No!

No! No!

Finish the game, boy. Come on.

Let's roll.

That dart game.

Hurry up, finish that shit up, boy.

Help me!

Help me!

Two strips! Two strips!

Three strips of bacon!

That's what I call the extra bacon burgers, Tickles!

Oh, we got a bonus strip!

Hurry up, Tickles!

Bullseye!

Looks like you might overcook the bacon, Tickles!

Dinner's ready, boy.

This place is super creepy at night.

Jesus!

Here's James!

Oh my God.

-God. -Okay, watch the light.

What'd you get?

Nothing.

You got a cooler full of nothing?

Help me down there, Mabel.

All right. Damn tent.

You were gone long enough

-to bring back nothing. -Did you find anything?

-No. -Snacks? Food?

Let me tell you what happened to me.

I finally found you meddling kids.

Would you like to try one of my tasty burgers?

Wow.

Great. Thanks.

Bon appetit.

Thanks, man, we were just scrounging up some gummy bears

and chips under our car seat.

I was wondering why y'all's not prepared,

being that you're ghost hunters in the all.

Y'all scared? Yeah?

Thank you, Mr. Bull.

We really appreciate it.

-Yeah. -We were actually

just making our plans for where to start tonight.

Any suggestions?

There's usually activity by the mausoleum in the woods.

Spooky. Scary.

Yeah.

As good a place to start as any.

Will you be joining us, Mr. Bull?

I don't think I's be joining you tonight, dear.

Any place we should avoid?

The energy by the small pond is particularly negative.

-Negative. Yeah. -Mm. Mm-hmm.

-Sleep tight. -You too.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

We won't.

Nighty night!

What the hell?

-Go ahead, Eric. -Yeah. Dig in.

No fucking way.

Oh my God.

What the fuck was that?

It was fucking weird.

Yeah.

We're staying here?

Nice. We have a full moon to help us out, too.

All right, let's head to the woods.

James?

So, this mausoleum this crazy guy I was talking about,

is that real or just part of the exhibit?

Who would build a mausoleum out here?

It's fake. Let's go.

The owner of Hellbilly Hollow said the mausoleum

is a good place for paranormal activity.

The EMF isn't showing anything quite yet.

What the hell was that?

I dunno, something's going on.

Ally?

Something's here.

Oh, shit!

What the fuck!

What the-

There was someone in the fucking woods over there.

-What? -What?

It's like a big fucking clown or some shit.

-I don't know. -Wait. Clowns?

-Yes. -Are you serious, Eric?

-Yes. -A clown?

Ooh. A scary clown in the woods.

No, no. I believe him.

I've been having all these edge-of-my-vision

glimpses of a tortured clown all day.

But we are at a Halloween place, so...

Yeah, it's probably just a plastic prop like this thing.

-What the! -What the fuck!

That is not fucking plastic!

I think we need to get outta here.

I agree. Let's go.

-Yeah, I'm ready to go. -Yeah.

I'm fucking outta here.

Hey, guys.

What?

Come back.

You gotta see this.

What is it?

I'm sorry. I gotta go home.

I'm scared.

Yeah, I agree.

Let's get outta here.

Look, guys, it's probably just Bull trying to scare us.

Okay, so you wanna stay?

No, I wanna go.

I'm just saying it's probably Bull messing with us.

Okay, explain that fucking head by the mausoleum, dude.

I can't. I can't explain it, Eric.

Fuck this shit.

Let's go before we get shot. Come on!

Oh, I thought Bull was just messing with us, dude.

Just shut up, you watch too many horror movies.

Yeah.

Ally, let's go.

Ally?

Ally?

Mimi?

Mimi?

I haven't been completely honest with you guys.

The story that I told you, it's true.

The Voodoo Queen is my Mimi, my grandmother.

I thought she was bringing me to you guys,

but it's something evil.

No, Ally, it's not Mimi, it's not something evil.

This is just Bull. He's just fucking with us.

I mean, he's putting on a show, right, James?

It's just Bull, Ally.

Let's go.

Eric, wait up!

Eric, don't wander off by yourself!

Oh, fucking sweet.

Guys, come check this shit out.

Shh.

Ha-yah!

Ding!

I'm the Strong Man!

-Mabel! Come back! -Oh my God.

Mabel!

Shit. Shit!

-Oh, God! Oh, God! -No, Ally!

Let's go! Come on!

Mable!

Come back, Mable! Where are you!

What the fuck is happening, Ally?

Wait. That's the path!

That's the path we came to get here!

I don't know! I don't know!

-I don't know! -Yeah, that's it!

Right, Ally?

Okay.

Help me, Mimi. Help me.

Let's go! Come on!

Come on, Ally!

Mimi?

What? You see, Mimi?

Come on! Come on!

-Where did she go, Ally? -I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh, shit.

Where are we?

This way! Come on!

Mimi!

Timmy is in there with Fergus.

Every night with Fergus.

My poor, precious boy.

Don't trust a sword swallower.

Do you think it hurts my baby?

Yes.

Yes, it hurts.

What hurts?

Timmy.

What hurts, Ally?

I don't know.

What do you see?

I'm not responsible.

You says these woods are haunted, right, Ally?

Yeah.

Look out there.

Hear it.

Feel it.

What do you see, Ally?

Fire.

Pain.

Yes.

The fuck, man?

We must proceed.

I

will be your armed tour guide for the rest of our journey.

Shall we, ladies?

Shall we?

I said ladies.

What the fuck's wrong with you, man?

I just said ladies, just telling the fucking truth.

Ally, what the fuck is going on?

Don't look back at me.

James!

Get the fuck in here!

You get the fuck down there too!

You twos make your selves at home.

No fucking around in my cabin.

This my house.

You hear me, boy?

We gotta get outta here!

Mable!

Mable!

Help! Help!

Goddammit.

What?

What is it?

-This lady, I just saw her. -Where?

In the woods by the carnival.

What? What?

Fuck! Mable!

-What are you looking for? -I don't know, something.

Get me out! Let me out of here!

Fuck!

Mable!

What is it?

What the fuck is it, Ally?

Oh my God.

James! James!

Someone!

Help!

Look, it's the field by the edge of the woods here.

The carnival fire was here.

Mabel was right.

And that kid?

It's Bull.

I don't understand.

Let me out! Please!

James!

Mable!

You fucking old fucker!

Let me out of here now!

Mable!

Here's your balls.

Throw them balls, Tickles.

We's at the Dunking Booth!

Throw that ball, Tickles.

Shut the fuck up, boy!

No! No!

Miss Mable fall.

And then fall.

And then fall and dunk!

No!

Mable! Mable!

I'm gonna kill you, Bull!

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Bye, Miss Mable!

Bye, Miss Mable!

Shut the fuck up!

Shut the fuck up!

Help me, Mimi.

I'm gonna kill you, Bull!

I don't know what to do.

I'm so scared.

Easy.

Let's go say hi.

Oh, God.

Let's go!

It's time to clean up these

stinky little squirrel turds, Tickles.

Let's go.

Ally!

You son of a bitch!

-Ally! -Now! Now!

Don't you move, boy.

Mable!

Let's get back there.

Mama.

Mama. Mama.

Mama.

Oh my God, will you shut up?

What the fuck is this, man?

It's your fucking destiny, boy.

Shoot me now, motherfucker!

-You're gonna kill me anyway! -Oh, that would be

too fucking easy.

That'd be like stomping on me a little wood tick!

And I ain't no little wood tick!

Now you keep walking, boy,

because Tickles had been planning

this fucking Halloween party for fucking months!

All right? You get it?

We are having a big Halloween finale tomorrow night,

and you's a big part of it, boy.

Fuck you, man!

Fuck you and shut the fuck-

-Oh! -Fuck you!

All up to you what happens to Miss Ally.

All up to you, boy.

Now, you might wants to get your ass right back over here

before I lose my fucking mind more.

Right now.

Three!

Two!

Don't touch her, man.

Fucking one.

I'm here. Don't fucking touch her.

Okay. All right.

All right.

Okay.

-No! -Get your ass up!

Fucker.

Bull!

Let me out of here!

They had very little to bite or to suck.

And once there was a great famine in the land,

the man could not gain the daily bread.

As he lay in bed one night, thinking of this,

turning and tossing, he sighed heavily and said to his wife,

"What will become of us?

We cannot even feed our children.

There is nothing left for ourselves."

I'ma fucking kill you!

-Let me out of here! -Change your nightie!

Brush your little gay fucking hair!

Do your douche and change your tampon

'cause you are a fucking annoying little bitchass!

I'll fucking kill you!

-Fuck you! -No, fuck you!

If you touch Ally, I'm gonna fucking kill you, man!

Gretel wept bitterly and said to Hansel,

"It is all over with us."

Welcome, welcome all my lovelies!

Can I hear it a little bit louder, please?

Who's ready for the most amazing ride

through all Hellbilly Hollow Haunted Woods?

See, we just got us some stragglers on the back.

Welcome, aboard.

We're getting ready for the Haunted Ride,

but we's got to hurry

because I don't want Pappy to fall asleep

before we get outta the woods.

You okay, pappy?

I'm all right, let's go.

Mr. Miller, are you ready?

I think he nodded.

He don't talk much.

Let's hit it, Mr. Miller!

Are you guys ready? Let's go.

Let's party!

Well, well, well.

What do we have here, folks?

But the beautiful, gorgeous, stunning

Sasha the Snake Charmer.

Now I ask, would anyone like to come up here

and touch Sasha's snake?

Me! Me!

-You right there? -Me!

You right there? Yeah.

That's you I'm pointing at.

Okay, okay. All right, then.

Hurry up, boy.

I'm coming now. Back off.

Son of a bitch.

-Come on down. -I'm coming, mother fucker.

What's your name, fine gentlemen?

Name's Elvis.

-Elvis. -That's right.

You gotta be shittin' me.

Oh no, I wouldn't shit you, boy.

My mama loved The King, all right?

So it's the Elvis.

-Well, Mr. Elvis. -Uh-huh.

Do you have an affinity for snakes?

They leave me alone, I leave them alone.

But otherwise, I will blow those little fuckers

to kingdom come!

Yeah, baby!

Whoa!

Mr. Elvis. That makes no sense to me.

Then why in the fuck would you want to come up here

and touch Sasha's snake?

See, that's where you're wrong, mister.

That ain't what I want to do at all.

What I want is for Sasha to touch the king's cobra, baby.

No, no. Stop right there.

-Oh. -This is Hellbilly Hollow.

We need to keep this PG 13.

You're right, you're right.

Use your brain, numb nuts.

All right. Come on up here.

All right, here I come.

-To touch Sasha's snake. -Like a train.

Like a locomotive. I'm on my way.

-I'm on my way, baby. -Get in here, boy.

Here I am.

Man, I just did me a 360.

You got me all excited, having Elvis up here with me!

Miss beautiful Sasha.

-Oh, she is fine. -Will you please introduce

Louie to our friend Elvis?

Be very careful, Elvis.

Alrighty, then.

-Here we go. -Yeah.

-Oh! Hey. -Oh.

You might have hurt your turtle.

Oh, you mights have hurt him.

All right, be very careful with Louis.

Oh, she's a heavy baby.

Now, Louie is a heavy boy.

It's a beauty, it's heavy.

Oh, it's getting-

Why is it so tight?

Knock, knock, knock!

Elvis? Is that you?

I can't hears ya!

Elvis? You okay?

Oh my Lord!

It's killin' him!

Oh my!

I think Elvis has left the building!

We'll come back and clean up the bathroom later.

What do you say we all proceed to our next attraction?

Isn't this shit fucking nut fun?

All right, let's go see.

Well, what do we have here,

but one of the only living swallowers

I know to walk this earth.

I like to call him Master Fergus the Sword Swallower.

Everybody, please say hello to Master Fergus.

Hello, Master Fergus the Sword Swallower.

Master Fergus, why don't you go ahead

and show our guests your sword swallowing skill?

-Help me. -Oh. Oh.

I think Master Fergus may have been swallowing

a little too much yesterday.

Would anybody like to come up here

and help Master Fergus swallow yet in other sword?

How about you right there, young man?

Come on up here.

He didn't say pappy.

Come on, James.

You've got to entertain our guests.

-Help me. Please. -Do it for the boy.

Oh, stops right there, young man.

Do tells us what your name is.

Richard.

Ah, little Richard.

Over here, I've got some swords.

Won't you please come over and pick out a sword?

Yes, sir.

Ooh!

Good job, little Richard.

Everybody give little Richard a little hand.

Give him a little courtesy.

I want you careful because that is a sharp instrument,

but run your hand up the blade

so our guests out here can see that this is a real sword.

Be careful.

-Is it a real sharp sword? -It's a very real sword.

Yes.

Little Richard, could it cut another person to ribbons?

Yes, sir. It could cut someone to ribbons.

That's what I'm talking about.

Cut 'em to ribbons.

Master Fergus, get down on your knees

and swallow yet another sword.

Get down on the fucking floor.

Get down, boy.

Get your whits about you.

Okay, now, little Richard, please come around the front

and you are now his assistant.

Master Fergus, open up that mouth wide.

I knows you know how to do it, you chubby licker.

Put your head back.

Now, little Richard, proceed.

Stop. Stop.

Oh my God.

Deeper.

He's like an animal.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Ta-da!

Yeah, boy!

You sure does me a big concert!

We got more treats in store for you.

Let's go to some more attractions.

You guys ready?

Fuck yeah!

Come on, little Richard. After you, sir.

Help me.

James. James.

Ally?

I wanna go home.

We are. We are home.

Yeah.

That's Bull when he was a kid.

James!

James!

Timmy, Timmy, Timmy!

Come on. Come on, buddy.

Let's go. We gotta go.

-Mr. Tickles! -We gotta go.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Ally!

Ally! Help me!

Ally!

Help me, Ally! Help!

Help me, Ally!

Ally! Al!

What the fuck?

What the fuck!

Ally! Help me!

Get me out of here!

Bull, you son of a bitch!

♪♪ Do you ignore ♪♪

♪♪ Is it coming for you ♪♪

♪♪ A figment of your mind ♪♪

♪♪ Something dark and blue ♪♪

♪♪ We do drugs ♪♪

♪♪ We get lit ♪♪

♪♪ Hate on each other ♪♪

♪♪ That ain't the worst of it ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ Psychos and killers roaming free ♪♪

♪♪ A lightning bolt, hepatitis C ♪♪

♪♪ Life is scary, a runaway train ♪♪

♪♪ Take the ride, go out of your brain ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ Fire to consume ♪♪

♪♪ Check the sonic boom ♪♪

♪♪ Take another bullet for your brother ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ You can melt it on a spoon ♪♪

♪♪ Send it to the moon ♪♪

♪♪ I got some flowers for your mother ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ Fire to consume ♪♪

♪♪ Check the sonic boom ♪♪

♪♪ Take another bullet for your brother ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ You can melt it on a spoon ♪♪

♪♪ Send it to the moon ♪♪

♪♪ I got some flowers for your mother ♪♪

♪♪ I got some flowers for your mother ♪♪

Morning, Virginia.

Morning, sheriff.

What can I do for you, hun?

I'm probably just being silly, but...

Tammy?

She hasn't come home in several days.

She hasn't called, she doesn't answer her phone.

I thought at first she'd just run off

with that new boyfriend of hers for a few days,

but I'm getting worried.

Well, Virginia, I don't have to tell you, hun.

It's Tammy.

I mean, she always comes home.

She will come home.

She called me a couple of days ago

and said that she was on her way to Hellbilly Hollow

with her girlfriend Stephanie.

Well, I'll go up there and take a look around then.

Thanks a lot, Jean.

I appreciate it.

All right, bye.

♪♪ Sex of unprotected ♪♪

♪♪ You feel the bloom ♪♪

♪♪ A kiss of death could put you in a tomb ♪♪

♪♪ Fly the freak flag that's in your head ♪♪

♪♪ Feel so alive in the dance of the dead ♪♪

♪♪ The dance of the dead ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ Fire to consume ♪♪

♪♪ Check the sonic boom ♪♪

♪♪ Take another bullet for your brother ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ You can melt it on a spoon ♪♪

♪♪ Send it to the moon ♪♪

♪♪ I got some flowers for your mother ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ Do another shroom ♪♪

♪♪ In a rubber room ♪♪

♪♪ Think about what you've been through ♪♪

♪♪ But wait ♪♪

♪♪ You just took the bait ♪♪

♪♪ To gamble with your fate ♪♪

♪♪ And now the joke's on you ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ Fire to consume ♪♪

♪♪ Check the sonic boom ♪♪

♪♪ Take another bullet for your brother ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ You can melt it on a spoon ♪♪

♪♪ Send it to the moon ♪♪

♪♪ I got some flowers for your mother ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ Fire to consume ♪♪

♪♪ Check the sonic boom ♪♪

♪♪ Take another bullet for your brother ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ Fire to consume ♪♪

♪♪ Check the sonic boom ♪♪

♪♪ Take another bullet for your brother ♪♪

♪♪ Doom ♪♪

♪♪ You can melt it on a spoon ♪♪

♪♪ Send it to the moon ♪♪

♪♪ I got some flowers for your mother ♪♪

♪♪ I got some flowers for your mother ♪♪