Original subtitles

Yeah, buddy.

One, two, three, four.

[music]

[music]

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

>> Bling blow. Boing blow. Boing blow.

Bla bla bling blonga bla bling bling.

>> This meditation tape is awful. It's not

soothing me at all. In fact, I'm

beginning to grow infuriated.

>> That's not your tape, Posie. It's Kevin.

He's been doing that since he was a kid.

He uses it to drown out distractions. I

I should have mentioned it to you when

he moved in.

Yo, Pac-Man, how's it hanging?

>> Kevin Hitler's on the phone. He wants

his haircut back.

>> I'm a leaf in the wind. I'm a leaf in

the wind. I'm a leaf in the wind. My

haircut.

Now, what was it you wanted?

>> Nothing.

>> Nothing.

>> Hello. I'm back from Japan.

>> Oh, wow. I didn't realize you'd left

yet.

>> Sorry about that.

>> Hey buddy, that was a computer

convention.

>> I don't know. Oh, I forgot to attend. I

spent all my time absorbing the insane

culture of modern Japan. I slept in a

cubicle and smoked musical cigarettes.

And that's not all.

[music]

>> Did you get my eel bladder tea?

>> Better. I got you these

>> fun fun umbrella juice.

Anus bar.

>> That's the future. Get used to it. The

Japanese are way ahead of the curve.

>> I want a present. Where's my present?

>> Hold on. You're going to love these.

They're next year's hottest fashion.

Huh?

Hot pants? I'm not going to wear hot

pants.

>> They're not hot pants. They're kery

pantsu. Spicy pants. Which do you want?

Pink happy bear or purple kissing bunny?

>> Can I just have the anus bar? Hey, what

are you doing? geeking out or nerding it

up.

>> I wish this is school work. I have to

write a paper on ocean ecosystems.

>> You know, I was just reading an article

about that. Maybe you could use it.

>> Here, it's all about marine biology.

>> Oh, that sounds perfect. [laughter]

>> What?

>> There are women touching each other in

this magazine.

>> Really,

>> Andy? That is pornography. Mom said that

I should never look at stuff like that.

>> What about the article? Just let me read

you a few snippets.

>> No.

>> Topless deep sea fishing off the coast

of Yucatan is no laughing matter.

>> There is a warning on the cover. Not for

minors. I am a minor, Andy. I don't want

to go to jail. And even if I weren't a

minor, I wouldn't look at your filthy

pornography. Because when I am married

and I'm kissing my wife, I don't want my

head to be filled with perverted

thoughts like yours.

>> Perverted? Hey, if you are perverted,

check this out.

>> Okay. Bling bling bling bling bling.

Justice League Aquaman speaking.

Oh, hi George. Uh-huh. Oh, sure. I'd be

happy to help out.

[music] Thanks for filling in. I just

need a couple of hours to get my paper

done. It's impossible to concentrate

around here.

>> Have you tried bling blonging?

>> Yeah, but my dad says it scares the

customers. Call me if you need anything.

Oh. Uh, Kevin, my next door neighbor.

Uh, uh, you're working here. I'm filling

in for George. Wonderful. I'll, uh, I'll

take, uh, two, uh, eyeglass repair kits.

They're very handy, you know. And how?

Anything else?

>> Mm-

I just can't.

>> Oh, why you matter of you?

>> I don't like you. I care what people

think. I don't like my personal life to

be everybody's business.

>> Excuse me. I need some condoms so I can

make love to my lover. And don't smirk.

They're for gay sex. That's how you do

it.

>> Okay. Shall I wrap them up or would you

like to wear them home?

>> Very funny, Wise Ner.

>> Yo, it's that fool from school. Hey,

sweetie. Where the comic books at?

>> Uh, I too. But you can't just read them.

You have to buy something or uh aisle

two. All right.

>> Stupid.

>> Holy crap. We're in public. What are you

doing?

>> Falling.

>> Hey, Jim. Hot pants. Is it? Don't

encourage him. Seriously, man, how long

are you going to keep this up?

>> Just until they catch on. Then I'm off

where the millennium takes me.

>> Yes.

>> Thank you for shopping at Mission Hill

Market.

>> Oh, hey, do you have lowfat salad

dressing?

>> No, sorry. Bye.

[music]

>> [music]

[music]

>> Yo, man. What was that,

>> dude? I'm trying to concentrate on

Richie Rich and his picnic.

>> But check it.

Dude must have gone home.

>> Mhm.

>> [music]

>> We better get out of here, man. Hold up.

I got to take a leap.

Dude didn't go home. He is in there

spanking it, man. He is indecent.

>> [music]

>> Oh no. Oh no.

Help!

Help!

[music]

[screaming]

Kevin!

Kevin,

>> come, Kevin. Come into the light.

What's in there? It's what you've always

dreamed of. Every man's wildest fantasy

inside. It's like Yale University.

[screaming]

>> Man, I am so glad you're all right. When

I heard what happened, I just dropped my

bowling ball and ran out.

>> I can vouch for that.

>> My hand. Is this to punish me?

>> Punish you for what?

>> For massive damage to the store during

the uh mysterious fire.

>> Oh, Kev, nobody blames you. That's why

they called in the arson investigators.

>> Arson [music] investigators.

We figured the asalants locked you in

the bathroom so they could rob the

joint. Then they set it on fire so you

wouldn't be around to finger them. The

>> asalent?

Oh. Oh, yes, of course. How could I

forget those rotten asalants?

[laughter]

>> Easy, Kev.

>> Let me get that for you, champ.

>> Why are you being so nice to me?

>> I don't know. It It's weird. I've

thought about setting you on fire

hundreds of times. I never dreamt it

would affect me like this. Oh.

Oh man, you're still wearing those. Gus,

Wall-E, doesn't Jim look gay in those

pants?

>> Nah, no self-respecting gay man would be

caught dead in them trunks.

>> I would die twice if anyone saw me in

those.

>> Nice linen suit. That's a thing like

David Nan used to wear.

>> David Non. David Non. David Nan, he is

all you ever talk about.

>> Oh yeah? Well, you get giddy every time

Brick Crawford's on television, which

thankfully these days ain't that much.

[music]

>> Kevin, hi. I missed [music] you at

school.

>> Oh, thanks. And thanks for emailing me

those virtual flowers.

>> Sure.

>> Hey, welcome back. Did you hear they

caught the guys who burned you up and

robbed our store? Really? That's That's

great. Did they say anything? What was

their side of the story?

>> Who cares? I'm sure it's something sad

about broken home. Boohoo.

>> Yes. Boohoo. [laughter]

>> And that, believe it or not, is where

eggs come from. So don't forget kids,

nutrition is dope. For Clearil, I'm

Panzer, your student network EJ. Now,

here's your local principal.

>> Good morning, students. A special

announcement today. Welcome back, Kevin

French. Kevin survived a vicious attack

by two of our own students, John Griffin

and Christopher Dodge. That's why Griffo

and Sea Dog are in jail. And Kevin is

student of the month. [music]

>> All right, Kevin.

>> So, Kevin, stop by the office to pick up

your bumper sticker and your

complimentary supply of acne medication

from Claracil. Help stamp out

zitzophrenia with Claracil.

>> Yeah, buy more crap, kids. All right,

turn to chapter 7.

>> Uh, why is Kevin a hero?

>> Uh, because

he was attacked. Keep up the good work,

Kevin. You're a fine example of young

people who are attacked.

>> Excuse me. I'm here for my bumper

sticker and acne medication.

>> How is our very special student? Oh, you

know, come see he comes.

Certainly. Did you hear about Griffo and

Sea Dog? They claim they had nothing to

do with the fire. [laughter]

>> They say they caught you in the bathroom

with pornography.

>> Imagine [music] an honor student reading

pornography. Why, it's absurd.

>> With those two gone, it'll be a lot

quieter around here for the next 25

years.

>> 25 years in prison for robbing a store

and burning a bathroom. 25 years to

life, son. It's not just arson. It's

attempted murder.

>> They're 25 years

>> to life.

>> And the award for video of the year goes

to Beck. [screaming]

>> Yes, finally some justice. The Beck is

back. And at last he Oh.

>> Ah. Orange friendly frog. The spicy

pants of champions.

>> Hi Andy.

Got a minute?

>> Sure buddy.

Oops. Sorry. I know how you hate this

stuff. Okay. What's up?

>> Can you keep a secret?

>> Mhm.

>> Um, how should I say this? I was

manipulating myself uh to pornography.

>> My brother in the grocery store.

>> Uh, okay. Okay. And well then I heard

sirens and it's not for minors, Andy.

Pornography is not for minors. I didn't

want to get in trouble, so I tried to

burn it, but the toilet paper caught.

And

>> you started that fire. Kevin, those two

guys are going to jail.

>> Well, they shouldn't have robbed the

store.

>> They took $53 and they could get a life

sentence for attempted murder.

>> I never said they set me on fire.

>> You never said they didn't.

>> But I was looking at smut. If I tell the

truth, people will think I'm a pervert.

Ah, like me. Yeah, you wouldn't want

people to think you're like me. Dirty

old horny Mcwack-wack. Far better you

should send two innocent people to jail.

>> They're not all that innocent.

>> Get out of my room.

>> But we were getting along so well.

>> Out.

Hey.

Good morning, Andy. Let me pour you some

coffee.

>> I'll get it myself. I wouldn't want you

to slip and accidentally frame me for

murder.

>> The trial's tomorrow, and I have to

testify. I sure could use you by my

side.

>> I refuse to degrade myself in that

fashion.

>> But I can't testify at the trial without

a guardian present.

>> Then maybe you should call mom and dad.

You know, in fact, why don't I get him

on the phone right now?

>> No, no, no. Wait, wait. Stop.

>> Hey, Mom. How's it going? You know what?

Kevin started a fire and you'll never

guess how.

>> No. Mom, wait. I

>> You're just lucky I don't know their

number.

>> Looks like we've got five of them in

progress.

>> What are you looking at?

>> The jeans you're wearing. So, Tex, how

are things down at the rodeo?

>> Come on, everybody knows jeans are cool.

And you should know, Mr. Fonzerelli, or

shall we call you Jethro? [laughter]

>> Hey, jeans are the classic cool pants. I

mean, uh, you know, they they'll always

be, uh, hip,

[laughter] won't they?

>> [music]

>> You'll come back now. Here.

And when those two got blamed for the

fire, I went along with it. I'm not a

hero, just a hypocritical pervert.

>> Son, it took guts to tell me the truth.

And it'll take even more guts never to

tell it again. Believe me, we'll all be

better off if you stick to the original

version.

>> But that those guys will go to prison

for something they didn't do.

>> Oh, maybe those boys didn't do exactly

what they're accused of, but they've

done other things, like defecating in my

file cabinet. Would you like to see?

>> No, thank you, Mr. Cresto. You're asking

me to commit perjury.

>> Oh, no. No, Kevin. I would never tell

you to lie under oath. At the [music]

same time, I'd hate to tell Yale

admissions you were pleasuring yourself

in a public restroom. [music]

I might even get confused and tell them

you defecated in my drawer. And we don't

want that, do we, Kevin?

>> No, sir.

And they jammed the door, trapping you

in the bathroom.

>> Yes, [clears throat] as I recall.

>> And then they set you on fire with this

magazine.

Kevin, did they set you on fire?

Yes. Yes.

Yes, ma'am.

>> Once again, the gallery shall refrain

from heckling the witness.

>> Sorry. No further questions.

>> I told you you should have pled guilty.

>> Man, just tell them homeboy was in there

spanking it.

>> I am not going to drag that young man

through the mud for you.

Mr. French, since you're an honor

student and are very busy, I'll keep it

short. Actually,

I don't have any questions for Kevin, so

let me go straight to my closing

statement.

Attempted murder, they say. Well, I say,

ha, I submit that if these two ruthless

thugs wanted to murder this honor

student, he'd be dead. I mean, look at

them. They're scum. Yo, man, tell him he

was in there whacking it.

>> All right, that's it. The defense rests.

Very good. You may step down, Kevin.

>> This sucks. Where's justice?

[music]

>> Kevin.

Kevin, why aren't you telling the truth?

Are you ashamed of me?

>> No. I just don't want everybody to know

about our liaison. I said the witness

may step down.

>> If you don't confess, I'll morph my face

into your mother's. Live with that image

for the rest of your life.

>> Kevin, honey, what did I teach you

about?

>> Oh, God. No. Wait. They're innocent. I'm

the one who burned down the store.

>> I was manipulating myself to

pornography.

I tried to hide it by flushing it down

the toilet, but it backed up, so I set

it on fire and things got out of

control.

Those two had nothing to do with it.

>> Yo, whack man coming through.

>> Oh, so that's what happened to his hand.

[laughter]

>> Now, just a minute here. Who are you?

I'm Andy French, and Kevin is my

brother. I'm sorry. Did you say lover

brother? Oh, cuz those pants look gay.

>> They're not gay. People, you mock this

boy. But it's your fault he's here

today. Your hypocrisy has made [music]

this boy a prisoner, terrified of his

own sexuality. So much so, he'd rather

[music] send two relatively innocent men

to prison that admit he looks at

pornography.

>> Not anymore. From now [music] on, I'm

sticking to lingerie cataloges. He

thinks his natural urges are filthy and

perverted. And why? Because of your

conspiracy of silence. Nobody dares

admit the truth. [music] That you're all

just like him.

>> Oh, come on. You've never looked at

pornography. Well, only [music] in

magazines and films. And you? You've

never manipulated yourself? Uh, well,

maybe once, but by accident. And the

[music] rest of you, do you have the

courage to tell the truth like my

brother did on the stand?

>> I like smut and so do I, my friend. The

truth is nothing [music] to be ashamed

of. In fact, the only thing that's

shameful is [music] your hypocrisy. So,

shame on you for judging this boy.

Shame, shame, shame. [music]

Wrong. You think you were?

>> The man in the hot pants [music] speaks

the truth.

>> Case dismissed.

>> Man, next time we got to find a guy

spanking it at a bank.

>> But they rob my store.

>> Well, perhaps you should have given a

rousing speech.

>> Wow, Andy. I never realized so many

people were so perverted. Thanks for

standing up for me like that.

>> Well, I'm proud of you. You did the

right thing. Besides, wearing these

crazy pants made me feel, well,

invincible.

Hey, what happened to your carry pants

suit? I thought all the cool people were

wearing them.

>> We were. Then they caught on with

everybody else. [music]

>> A nuts.

[music]

>> [music]

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>> A Bill Oakley Josh Weinstein production.

Important

message for users of [music] the drug

Vio. The FDA warns that those who take

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>> On September 30th, 2004, the largest

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>> Merc, the multi-billion dollar

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compensation the law entitles you to.

Call 1800810900.

That's 1-800 8010900.

It's cool with your freak to the beat.

Don't [music] sweat the technique.

>> Imagine you're an NFL quarterback.

[cheering] You're on the road.

It's snowing.

The last drive of the game.

Your thumb is throbbing.

You're down by six.

Playoff spots on the line.

You see the threats coming.

>> Still think you can play quarterback?

Madden NFL 2006, year of the

quarterback. Rated E for everyone.

>> EA Sports. It's in the game.

>> Don't tell me we don't have time to do a

fancy lunch, cuz now there's McDonald's

allnew premium chicken sandwiches. Juicy

chicken breast.

>> Shop on cartoonetwork.com.

Heat. Heat. N.

[music]

>> [music]

[music]

>> How long before we can get the chopper?

>> Two, maybe 3 days.

>> Too long. Leave a cracker. Don't heave

the fuel.

>> The gazeline?

>> Yeah, the gazeline.

>> Yeah, it's in a safe place.

>> Where?

Dug a hole.

>> Good. Who'd you steal it from?

>> A bazooka mama from quadrant 4.

>> Bazooka mama? She's tough as dingo.

She'll skin us alive if she finds out.

>> No, she won't.

Maybe she will. It's too late, boys.

Bazooka Mama, that's me already found

out. Now, prepare yourselves. I have a

feeling this will be uncomfortable.

>> Me, too.

>> Isn't there anything we can do?

>> No, there isn't. It's time to pay the

price.

>> Can we cut?

>> What?

>> I just can't keep it going.

>> Are you afraid you're going to laugh or

I don't understand?

>> No, it's my neck hurts.

>> Really? I think I have nerve damage.

>> Hey, this is a Saturday, folks. No

school, which means you're trespassing

on school grounds.

>> Mr. Pendleher, we didn't know. We just

We just came here to make a movie. We

didn't know, did we guys?

>> No, we didn't, Mr. Pendleher. Honest.

>> Yeah, we sort of did.

>> Oh, really? Well, it's time you learned

about rules. You three are spending the

next week with me in detention. Got it?

>> No, I've never had detention ever.

>> What's detention? It

>> It's when they make you sit in a room

and that's about it.

>> So, it's like therapy

>> kind of. Hey, you watch your mouth

there, pal.

>> What? What' I say?

>> I know you've never dealt with me

before, so let me explain how I work. I

used to work at a prison as a guard. You

don't want to get on the wrong side of

me. I am hard, but I am fair. If you

keep your mouth open, I will shut it.

You keep screwing around and I'll take

you to the prison and show you what

happens to little smart mouths who never

learn the rules.

>> All right. All right. Gosh. Yesesh.

Jeez.

>> Whoosh. Hey, can we get one more take at

that last scene? He kind of screwed it

up when he yelled.

>> How'd it go?

>> Not great.

>> Uh, did you get me out of detention?

>> What makes you think I was going to get

you out of detention?

>> I don't know.

>> I had to practically get myself out of

detention. That Pendleton guy is scary.

>> Pendlehurst.

>> Pendlehurst.

>> I I know. He's very scary. I was I was

this close to crying back at school, so

I fake laughed to hide it. You know,

like I did one of the [laughter]

>> That's what I did on the phone. I did

one of those.

>> He's intimidating.

>> Yeah, I know.

>> But you know, you shouldn't have been

trespassing, Brendan. He's right about

that. Anything could have happened to

you. Maybe you could use a little

disciplining. Hey, you mind setting the

table? Dinner's going to be ready soon.

>> Can I do it after dinner?

>> Sure. Look, Brendan, just go to the

detention thing and stay out of trouble

because this Pendlehurst guy means

business.

>> Well, you happen to be talking to a

businessman.

>> And besides, you're not as charming as

you think.

>> Nah, you're wrong.

>> So, what do we do about the movie? We

can't use the location because it's

trespassing and we can't film during the

day because we can't close off the set.

>> Well, um, we could reveal the set in the

basement.

>> I don't know. I don't think it's in the

budget.

>> What's the budget?

>> Well, we had a dollar, but then we

bought the binder.

>> Well, why do we buy the binder?

>> To keep the budget inside.

>> That's idiotic. You just spent all the

money for the movie on the binder. For

the budget of the movie.

>> Yeah, don't tell Brendan.

>> Well, why did you do that?

>> Cuz I wanted to look professional. Let

me see the binder

>> here. It's nice.

>> It is nice. It's a nice binder.

>> Worth a dollar.

>> Well, guys,

>> maybe we can make a movie about the

binder.

>> Guys,

>> hey, Brendon.

>> How's it going?

>> Hi, Brendon.

>> Hey, that's a nice binder.

>> Thanks.

>> I want you to come to my house. I

discovered something amazing that I want

you both to see. This is what I was

talking about.

>> Wow. Weird coat.

>> Wow. Brennan, how many movies did we

make?

>> Thousands, Melissa. Thousands.

>> Where'd you get that coat? Do you want

us to help you put them back in the

closet?

>> No, no, no. There's a reason they're out

here on the floor in front of us. We

have to watch these movies and figure

out where we're going and what we're

doing. Do you understand? We never watch

these movies.

>> Um, just wait. So, these aren't

videotapes of the movies we made?

>> Yeah, the videos of the movies. Jason,

>> we were taping those movies?

>> Yeah.

>> Well, let's burn them.

>> No, let's watch them,

>> right? It's like discovering a hu get

the picture.

>> Man, I thought it was going to be

something good. Like a dead body.

>> Look at these movies. Do you remember

these titles? was like I don't even What

movie is this? The hand that Wasn't

there?

>> I kind of remember that one.

>> I don't remember that one at all.

>> No, I was the hand. Remember?

>> Oh, yeah.

>> Right.

>> And how about this one? Jesus Zilla.

>> I do remember that one. I wore a beard

and a tail. Remember?

>> What about this one right here? The

magic balls.

>> Yeah, I wasn't there that day.

>> Or how about this one? The box bots.

>> Remember we wore cardboard boxes and we

talk like robots, right?

>> Oh, yeah.

>> Box bot 1050. I thought you perished.

>> No. Boxbot 10:22 still alive am I?

>> I too have somehow survived

miraculously.

>> Did anyone find the boop beep beep

secret plans that we are hiding?

>> Negative. They are hidden in my memory

banks. Someone will have to get a

cosigner to withdraw the memory banks.

>> Goodep.

>> Oh no, we've been found. Beep boop.

>> Tell my girlfriend that I won't miss

her.

>> I can't. We're all being caught. Well,

tell me that you'll miss me then.

>> I'm going to miss you.

>> Here they come.

>> It's time to pay the price.

>> I think I remember this one. I think

this is the environmental one.

>> All right. You went all green on us.

>> Yeah.

>> I'm going to chop you down, tree.

>> Well, okay, but um don't um because what

about the environment?

>> Hello. I'm a skunk.

>> Hello.

>> Hello.

>> Hey. Um I mean don't chop down the

forest.

>> Okay, I won't chop down the forest. just

this tree.

>> But I'm a tree and I'm a house for birds

and chipmunks and cats and dogs. And I

can be useful for people, too. I can be

made into wood,

>> man. Chop it down.

>> I'm with you, skunk.

>> Hey, you guys suck.

>> Lumberjack.

>> Yep.

>> Pass me that axe.

[screaming]

>> It hurts.

>> You can't shut this one up.

>> Hope you learned your lesson, Trey.

>> It's time to pay the price.

Oh, Brenda, this was the one that you

ripped off the verdict. I didn't rip off

the verdict. We ripped off the verdict.

Isn't it true that you are lying?

>> No.

>> Isn't it true that you're lying?

>> No, I'm telling the truth. I do work at

that hospital and those are my initials,

but the time was

>> How on earth do you explain that the

time was altered?

>> I can't I can't explain.

>> Then who on earth altered the time?

[screaming]

>> That man. [gasps]

>> Oh, you sure it's that man?

>> I'm almost positive. You sure it wasn't

that man over there? The the defendant's

client?

>> Yes, I meant to point more to the right.

That man,

>> the baiff?

>> No, to the left.

>> Order in the court. Order in the court.

You It's time to pay the price.

[music]

>> We will have quiet in here.

>> We will have quiet in here. [laughter]

>> You think it's funny, huh? Huh? Huh?

>> Listen, I used to be a prison guard,

pal, and I'd love to take a trip back

there and show you what real discipline

is. I'd like to show all of you. You

understand?

>> Yes.

>> I'm sorry. What did you say?

>> Yes, sir.

>> Again.

>> Yes. Yes, sir.

>> Now, keep your little mouth shut. Got

it.

>> That isn't loaded, is it?

>> What did you say? [clears throat]

>> Your finger. It's It's really really

close to my face. I'm having intimacy

issues with it.

>> Stand up right now.

I will be back shortly. I trust that all

of you will behave.

>> Are you okay, Brendan?

>> Yeah, man. Pendlehurst is a real jerk.

>> Hey, you guys want to check something

out? That's cool.

>> Yeah, it's pretty cool. We got to check

it out now while Pendlehurst is gone.

>> But won't he be back soon?

>> Yeah.

>> Nah, you went across the street for a

coffee. He always does that. You guys

coming or what?

>> No way, guys. We'll get in so much

trouble.

>> He's early. There's no way we'll make it

back in time. Screw the tide.

>> We have to try to make it back to the

class.

>> Let's go now.

>> Uh, not a good runner.

[laughter]

>> Ow. Ow. Come on,

>> Brendon. You have to carry Jason.

>> Okay. Come on. Come on, baby.

[sighs]

>> That was close.

>> Oh, mister, you are in trouble.

You poured sugar in Pendlehurst gas

tank.

>> No, some other kids did, but we ended up

getting caught.

>> So, what's the punishment?

>> He's making us do this scared straight

thing at the prison he used to work at.

>> Scared straight. You're already

straight.

>> I'm already scared.

>> I've been to the can a few times,

Brendan. That's what we call it, the

can.

>> Yeah.

>> So, when you're there, you call it the

can. All right.

>> What do you call cans in prison?

>> You mean actual cans?

>> Yeah. Yeah, like food. Cans of food.

>> Those are still cans.

>> Okay,

>> here's another thing, Brendan. You got

to be the craziest one there,

>> right?

>> You act like you're insane and people

will leave you alone.

>> You mean like what? Like unstable?

>> Well, yeah, but more like overreact to

something.

>> Oh, yeah. Like what?

>> All right. Here's an example. Come up

and brush against me. Like walk by.

Ready?

>> All right. How do you do?

>> No. [screaming] No, man. No, man. No. I

don't think so. I don't think so. All

right.

>> All right.

>> Is it? Yes.

>> Is it?

>> See what I mean?

>> That was good.

>> Freaks you out.

>> Feel my heart. It's pounding.

>> Yeah. And here's another thing. Make a

shiv.

>> Yeah. How do you do that?

>> I don't know. You find stuff, you make

it. Can stab someone with anything.

>> Yeah.

>> You wear glasses?

>> No.

>> You wear contacts?

>> No.

>> Make a knife out of contacts.

>> Really?

>> That's what I learned.

>> Wow.

>> I killed a man with contacts

>> in a can.

>> Yeah.

>> Wow.

>> And the other thing is you can make a

knife out of um tags from t-shirts. like

the cloth tags.

>> Yeah, because they're a little harder

than the material

>> and that's enough to

>> to penetrate skin. Just got to find the

right spot.

>> Wow.

>> You know what I'm going to do?

>> What?

>> I can give you a tattoo.

>> What?

>> That would help you.

>> Please don't.

>> You have a pen.

>> Are you a good artist?

>> Well, what kind of design you want?

>> I don't know.

>> I can do a moon.

>> I could do a smiley face.

>> Yeah.

>> I'm going to put one right under your

eye. Three teardrops. No one will touch

you.

>> [music]

>> How many movies have they made?

>> Blanc and glon and blogan.

>> Blunk and glunk and blogging.

>> Plunk and glen blogging.

forklenim.

>> Yeah. Duncan vanheim.

>> Yeah.

[music]

>> This is the messaul. This is where

prisoners eat. You might be made to cook

or clean up. Lots of fight start here.

>> Pendalist, is that you?

>> Oh my gosh, it is. [laughter]

>> Pendalurst is back.

>> I thought you weren't coming back.

>> Hey, Pendalist is back. [laughter]

>> Hey, Pendalist.

>> Hey, who am I? Pendalurst.

>> Hey, Pendalist.

>> Okay, let's keep moving.

>> Your kids don't want to come here.

>> No, you don't.

>> White collar criminals. Don't get too

close to the cages.

>> Save your receipts when you file your

return. Check references of accountants.

Always check references. Be a great

place for a movie.

>> Doesn't look so bad.

>> Is that a wet bar?

>> These gentlemen are all convicted

felons. They're here today to talk to

you.

>> They just call those guys gentlemen.

>> You kids think there aren't no

consequences for the problems you cause,

huh? You come from families?

>> Uh, yes. I come from a family.

>> I came from a broken home. Nobody cared

what I did. Next thing I know, I'm in a

gang. Got put in jail for petty crimes

just to get out and steal again.

>> Well, at least the system works.

>> Is that what you want to do with your

life? Huh?

>> Not really.

>> You have families. What are you throwing

everything away for? Can't reach these

kids. Cannot reach these kids.

>> I'll take it, Craig. You think there

ain't no consequences for what you do,

huh? Your family loves you. You want

[screaming] to be like me? I'm in jail,

man. I'm in jail, man. Look at me.

[screaming] Look at me in the eyes.

>> Get off the stage.

>> You're not my friend.

>> Listen to me, Star Boy. I wouldn't be

telling you this if I didn't care about

you.

>> Oh, you're stupid, Captain of Outer

Space.

>> But what I say is true, Star Boy. The

woman you love is a ghost who's trying

to kill you. You lie. You jealous liar.

>> What's that noise?

>> You blew my cover. Captain of outer

space.

>> I told you, starvoy.

>> I'm sorry, Captain of outer space. From

now on, I'll believe you.

>> Little late for that.

>> Hey, ghost lady. I'm breaking it off

with you. I didn't realize at first that

you were a ghost and was trying to kill

me. Had I known that up front, I

probably wouldn't have dated you. Maybe

I would have. I don't know. But that's

definitely something you should have

told me upfront.

>> Nobody breaks up with ghost lady. It's

time to pay the price.

Boo

boo.

>> Uh I think this guy's actually trying to

scare us straight.

>> I come from a broken home.

>> Here we go. And

>> I got put in jail for robbing a bank.

But before that, okay, wait. Oh, no. I

was in a bank. Okay, let me start over.

I was in [screaming] a gang and then I

got put in prison and then I robbed the

bank.

No, wait a second. I robbed the bank

first. Okay, bear with me, people. I've

got to look at some notes.

Okay, I got it. I worked at a bank, then

I robbed it, then I came to prison.

Gong,

[music]

>> you're going in a cell now for six

hours. See what it's like as a prisoner.

What do you guys want to do? We have six

hours to kill. [panting]

Okay, second word.

>> It's only one word.

>> All right. Um, Jaws.

>> You already guessed that.

>> All right. Um, he's definitely like a

shark. M.

>> No, he's running.

>> Brendan, what are you doing?

>> You give up?

>> I give up.

>> Marathon man.

>> You said one word, Brendan.

>> I know.

>> Marathon man is two words.

>> It is.

>> Yeah.

>> Okay. Well, whose turn is it?

>> Mine.

>> Mine.

>> D.

What's going on in there?

>> Parades. Shh. Oh,

>> this isn't a time for games. Small. Wipe

that smirk off your face.

You think this is funny? Wipe that smirk

off your face

now.

[laughter]

All right, mister. Congratulations. Your

weekend is gone. You just bought

yourself another day in the can. Here's

your receipt. You are now canned goods.

Pendleh, [screaming] what do you think

you're doing here? I

>> I I was cleared for this, sir.

>> I don't care what you were cleared for.

This is my prison. You know you're not

allowed back here. Now, get out of here

before I put you in one of the cells.

>> Sir, they're my students. They are

They're They

>> go now.

>> Um are you the warden?

Better conditions for prisoners now.

Better condition for prisoners now.

Better condition for prisoners now.

Better condition for prisoners now.

>> We shall overcome.

>> We shall [singing]

overcome.

>> We shall overcome. I shall overcome.

Now listen guys, I'd appreciate it if uh

you didn't mention this, you know, whole

thing to anyone at school, you know.

Please, it it can be our little secret.

>> Look, Mr. Pendlehurst, we promise not to

tell anybody, but we need to know why

you're not a prison guard anymore.

>> So, wait, Pendlehurst was fired?

>> Yeah, it's like a minimum security

prison. So, one day he leaves the door

open on like one of the cells and a

couple of the white collar criminals get

out,

>> right? They go straight to the warden

and they tell on Pendlehurst.

>> Uhhuh.

>> So that's that.

>> Wait, he took you to a minimum security

prison,

>> right?

>> Well, that's not scary at all. Those

places are like nice.

>> It was really nice. It was fun.

>> I know. They're like condos. Rooms with

nice furniture and

>> a couple people had yards.

>> Really?

>> Yeah. It's digital cable.

>> Was there a pool?

>> There was a pool.

>> Yeah, those places are better than where

I live, Brendan.

>> Yeah. white collar prison is better than

where I live. That's one of the saddest

things I've ever heard.

>> But coach, you'd still be like confined

and you'd still be uh not allowed to do

anything, you know.

>> Well, Brendan, what do I do anyway? I

leave my house, I come here, and I go

home. I don't know, Brendan. Sometimes I

think that we're in the prison and the

prisoners are not,

>> right? That's weird.

>> It's like the walls are keeping us out.

>> Yeah.

>> You know what I mean?

>> Kind of.

>> We all live in our own prisons, Brendan.

Yeah.

>> I mean, we're all trapped in these

bodies.

>> Yeah.

>> You have to go to school. That's a

prison.

>> It's a prison.

>> I have to be a soccer coach.

>> It's a prison.

>> This conversation.

>> It's a prison.

>> It's a prison. Can't get out of it.

>> Hey, I've been watching that huge stack

of movies you left out.

>> You have?

>> Yeah.

>> Huh?

>> You know, they were really good.

>> Thanks. I wanted to ask you though, is

there a reason you end all your movies

the same way?

>> No. How How do I end them all?

>> It's time to pay the price.

>> It is.

>> No, that's the line you use to end every

movie. It's time to pay the price.

>> No, I don't.

>> Yeah. Yeah, you do. I just watch them

all, Brendan.

>> No, my movies are different.

>> It's time to pay the price. They're all

the same ending. Brendan,

>> you probably mistakenly watched the same

movie like twice or something.

>> No, every movie ended with that line.

That was the the last line of every

movie.

>> No, it wasn't. I don't think I've ever

used that stupid line to what?

>> Husband, did we get all the groceries

that we need?

>> Yes, wife.

>> That will be $1,000.

>> Oh, man. It's time to pay the price.

>> Oh, it's time to pay the price.

>> It's time to pay the price.

>> It's time to pay the price.

>> It's time to pay the price.

>> It's time

>> to

>> pay the price.

>> It's time to pay the price. The T to the

P to the P.

>> P to the A to the Y.

>> It's time to pay the price today.

[laughter]

>> It's time to pay the price.

>> Huh? I uh

>> You didn't realize it?

>> No.

>> I thought you were doing it on purpose.

Like that was your your your style, your

signature,

>> right? No,

>> it wasn't.

>> I don't know. Well, maybe I guess I'll

try to end them differently from now on.

>> Well, we've done a lot of bad things,

right, guys?

>> Yes, we have. Yes, we have.

>> And now we're here in jail.

>> Yes, we are. We're here being punished.

>> And we hate it. But what can we do? We

did wrong. We can't do anything. Justice

has been done. It's time to pop.

>> Yeah.

>> You speak the truth, my brother. It is

time to

>> time for that.

>> Yes. Time to

>> What time is it? Actually,

>> it's 2:30.

>> Yeah. I got to go home.

>> Okay. Fade to black. The end. Oh, we

try.

[music]

[music]

>> [music]

[music]

>> Joshua at the battle of Jero. Jericho.

Jericho. Come on. Josh at the battle of

Jero. And the walls of Katumb down.

Only about 100 guys in the world make a

living riding motocross. What would you

risk?

>> This isn't a game. This is your life.

>> How far would you go?

>> You better watch your back tonight.

>> I will kick your

>> for one shot. David Beach. That's the

dream at the top.

>> Think you can take me on?

>> No risk, no rewards.

Time to go get famous.

>> Supercross, rated PG-13. August 17th,

only in theaters.

>> Get a vintage Almond Joy t-shirt. It's

just one of five classics [music] you

can choose from, and they're all free

with 15 proofs of purchase, shipping,

and handling. Go to hershey's.com for

complete details.

Hey,

hey,

hey,

hey,

hey,

hey,

hey.

>> Hank.

>> Delicious Starbucks double shot espresso

drink. Bring on the day.

>> [music]

>> pump. Custom fit technology. Turn it on,

turn it off. Imagine you're an NFL

quarterback.

It's snowing.

You're down by six. Playoff spots on the

line. You're on the road. Your thumb is

throbbing. You see the blitz coming.

>> Still think you can play quarterback.

>> Madd NFL 2006.

>> Rated E for everyone. EA Sports. It's in

the game.

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

>> I don't want to know.

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

>> Okay. You walk in, [music] you're angry.

Your best friend set you up.

>> Yeah, like that. Okay.

>> But why? You're confused.

>> Um um you look around, you're thinking,

"Why did I come here? I should go back

to California, get my old job back.

Didn't you think of your old girlfriend

for a minute?" And

it makes you laugh. And you start

laughing uncontrollably. Uncontrollably.

Then then you remember that she used to

laugh too and you start to cry.

>> Yeah. But then you hear a noise and

you're quiet. You look around again. You

think about the guy you saw following

you yesterday.

>> And then Charlene enters and you hide.

You know, you don't hide. You hide.

>> Which one?

>> Who?

>> Me. Hide.

>> May I hide?

>> Hide. You're afraid. You hide.

>> Go hide. Hide.

>> Okay, Charlene. You look around

confused.

You don't know why you came here.

>> You think about your old boyfriend in

California and how I used to make you

laugh [laughter]

>> and it makes you laugh

uncontrollably.

>> Yeah. And then you hear something.

>> Oh,

>> somebody's coming. You're [gasps]

scared. You hide.

>> Melissa, I'm hiding here.

>> I No, it's the only place to hide.

>> Don't hide in the same place.

>> There's only one thing to hide behind.

>> Uh,

>> yeah. Can I make um a suggestion at this

junk? Shore.

>> Uh cut. Yeah, sure. What?

>> Uh I think it might be easier if someone

in this movie speaks.

>> Uh

>> well, I uh

>> I don't really follow the story.

>> Well, I I get the story. It's about

um Brandon, what is this about?

>> Okay, it it is it's a story. You're

right about that. It's a story about uh

exactly what it's about. I'm I'm not

totally sure right now, you know.

Um, yeah. I I still have to kind of

figure out.

>> So, you don't know what it's about.

>> I didn't say that.

>> You kind of did.

>> You did, Brendon. I was right here.

>> Okay. Okay. You You want to know the

truth? You want to know why I didn't

write anything? Do you? Because I can't

write. Okay.

>> Oh my god.

>> I'm Brendan Small, the writer of some

500 movies, cannot write. I have

writer's block. Oh, there. I said it.

Okay. You guys satisfied now?

I'm satisfied. Melissa,

>> Brendan, this is serious. The writer's

fair is next week.

>> I know.

>> Well, what are we going to do? This

counts for half our grade.

>> We're going to do something. Don't

worry. I will figure it out.

>> Hey, Brendon.

>> Mhm.

>> How about a song and dance about rice?

>> Yeah. Um,

>> rice is nice, but it's just a grain. And

I like rice, so I'm not insane.

Yeah, that's a Can we play hide and seek

again?

Okay. Idea for movie. A guy. Uh, guy.

No, a dog. A dog. Big dog. Really big

dog. A kid. A kid. No. Forget the dog.

Forget the guy. Forget the kid. It needs

something. It needs

>> Brendan. Honey, time to go to bed.

>> All right. Uh, have sweet dreams. Good

night.

>> No, I mean you, Brendan. Time for you to

go to bed.

>> Ah. Oh, idea for movie. Kid has to go to

bed. His mother wants him to go to bed.

She goes to bed instead. And then a dog

comes in. And

>> Brendan

>> falls.

>> Brendon, you should have been asleep an

hour ago. What are you doing?

>> What? I'm trying to write, Mom. I have

writer's block.

>> Oh, bad case.

>> You tell me.

>> Fade in. Well, it's tight.

>> Yeah. We're supposed to perform a scene

at the writer's fair, but I can't write

anything. Well, as one who wore the hat

of a writer and the hat of a teacher, I

think I can help.

>> Mom, you have way too many hats.

>> My students used to ask me about

writer's block all the time. You know

what I told them?

>> What?

>> Don't get it.

>> Well, that's it.

>> I'm kidding. I told them to get in touch

with their muse.

>> Muse? I thought a muse was fake.

>> It's not fake. It's mythical.

>> Uhhuh.

>> Or mystical,

>> right?

>> Um mythical.

>> Mom, thanks for the help. Uh you know,

if uh if you don't mind, I have to get

back to my panicking.

>> Hey, you know what can help? Writing

down your dreams.

>> Really?

>> Oh, sure. Sure. It helps you tap into a

very creative part of your brain.

>> Right. Well, well, which part is that?

>> The middle, I think.

>> Middle part.

>> Actually, I don't really know, but it's

a very creative process. Okay. So, you

try that.

>> Okay.

>> Okay. Good night, Brendon. I love you.

>> I love you. [gasps]

>> Idea for a dream.

>> How long, Coach Mcgherk? How long do we

have to stretch?

>> Coach Mcgherk,

>> what?

>> It's already been 45 minutes. We're all

stretched.

>> Whoa. Whoa. Why? What was I saying?

>> You weren't saying anything.

>> Well, what are you saying?

>> I was saying we're all stretched.

>> Great. What does that mean?

>> We're all stretched out.

>> Yeah.

>> Can we stop?

>> Who are you?

>> It's Melissa.

>> Melissa who?

>> Kcherk, what's the matter? You don't

look so good.

>> Oh, well.

>> Are you on another bender?

>> Where'd you learn that word, Melissa?

>> From you.

>> All right. No. Oh, no. Of course not,

Melissa. I'm not on a bender. I wouldn't

do that to you. I just I haven't I

haven't slept in uh about 4 days.

>> How come?

>> You mean how come? What kind of question

is that, Melissa?

>> Well, why?

>> I just can't. All right. I can't sleep.

I have insomnia.

>> What's that?

>> You don't know what insomnia is?

>> No.

>> It's when you can't sleep.

>> Did you try lying on your bed and, you

know, having your eyes closed and just

relaxing? Oh, that's genius, Melissa.

What a great idea. Let me write that

down. So, you're saying what I have to

do to fall asleep is go to sleep, right?

Is that what you're saying, Melissa?

>> Good. Cuz it's brilliant. You should

write a book. You should give seminars.

All right. You'll make millions of

dollars. Attention all insomniacs. All

you have to do to fall asleep is lie in

your bed.

>> All right, coach. I was just trying to

help.

>> I'm sorry, Melissa. I didn't mean to

snap at you. All right. It's just that I

haven't slept in four nights. All right.

>> All right.

>> Then I got you peeping in my ear about

stretching.

>> I'm just trying to help.

>> Like every other woman in my life.

>> That's okay. But I don't see anything

wrong with you physically.

>> Well, what about this?

>> H.

>> Well,

>> that don't look right.

>> Okay. Well, we don't

>> Have you seen African queen?

>> I'll be right with you. There are

children outside waiting.

>> Well, bring them in. I don't give a

damn. I don't think

>> Look, lady, you can come on to me all

you want. I'm going to say no every

time. All right.

>> Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. I I got

carried away. You know what?

>> I'm sorry. Look, forget about what I

said. I just need some help here. I

haven't slept in 4 days.

>> I know.

>> All right.

>> Okay. There's a sleep center at the

university.

>> Mhm.

>> They do all kinds of research,

>> right?

>> So, maybe they can help.

>> It just seems like a brush off.

>> It's a referral. I can't just give you

extra time, Brendan.

>> But I'm not ready.

>> Well, I'm sorry. I I can't change the

entire schedule of the writing fair just

for you. I mean, that would be like

changing the date of the art fair just

because your painting wasn't ready. Or

the state fair because you didn't have

the world's largest pig.

>> Yeah. Yeah.

>> Or the date of the health fair because

you didn't have an STD. Or the date of

the sociology fair because you didn't

bring in a family that had fallen

through the cracks of the very system

that is supposed to protect it.

>> Mr. Lynch, I'm just

>> One week.

>> No.

>> One day.

>> No. 1 hour.

>> No.

>> One minute.

>> Okay, I'll give you one minute. Instead

of going on at 1:30, you will be going

on at 1:30 one.

>> Now, was that so hard?

[music]

>> Okay. Well, Mr. Mcgherk, did you

understand the waiver you signed?

>> Uh, not really. I

>> Okay, great.

>> I signed it.

>> Okay. Um, all right. We're going to

monitor your brain waves right now. It's

a little uh

>> Go ahead and hook you up.

>> Okay. Okay. We're going to figure out if

we can see what's keeping you up at

night.

>> All right.

>> That's That's the point, right?

>> It's pretty bright in here, though.

>> Yeah.

>> Those lights go off or

>> We do need to keep those on.

>> Yeah.

>> How do you sleep?

>> I mean, how do you go to sleep with the

lights?

>> Yeah.

>> Okay. Can you just go ahead and sit up

straight?

>> Sorry. Can you hand me that

>> behind you?

>> Um

>> I'm sorry. It's here.

>> Oh.

>> So, what uh where do you want me? You

want me

>> Yes. Thanks.

>> I don't think ow. You can uh

>> I'll do his legs. You do his arms.

should fit snugly.

>> Okay, that's uh

>> Is that tight enough?

>> Yeah, that's actually pretty tight.

>> Just one more notch. Okay.

>> All right. Now, now how am I supposed to

sleep with all this stuff on now?

>> Well, that's for us to worry about,

>> right? But am I getting blood to my leg?

>> You ever get electrodes put on your

face?

>> Uh, no. Welcome to town.

>> Ow. Ow.

>> Um,

>> that's my eye.

>> Can you take that one off? All right.

So, we've got

>> Can I ask one question?

>> Yeah, I think it's fine.

>> Can I ask one question? Seriously? Sure.

Yes.

>> Is this candid camera?

>> Sir, we're students. We're just trying

our best.

>> Yeah. Well, here's a suggestion.

>> Um, go get someone who knows what

they're doing. Oh my. You sir, you I'm

sorry. You might be a little irritable

cuz you haven't slept.

>> Yeah, that's really maybe what it is.

And also, maybe you don't know what

you're doing.

>> Okay, I think we're all set here.

>> Great. Good night.

>> Wait, have a good night.

>> Have a good night. We leave you alone

now.

>> We will see you in 12 hours.

>> I'm not hooked up.

I know it's wrong, but I don't care what

is right and wrong anyway. When it comes

to love, let's run away together now,

somewhere, anywhere. I don't care where.

Let's feel the blood in our veins, the

passion burn through our skin, the

madness curdle in our souls. Oh, yes,

Sheila. Yes. Free me from this novacane

called marriage. I confess that whenever

I cleaned your gums, I always tried to

look all the way down your throat into

your soul.

Oh, this is good.

This is good.

>> Jason, I'm not going to hurt his

feelings.

>> Well, let's say he's very fragile. Okay,

I think I know him all better than you

do.

>> Well, I don't.

>> Okay, good news.

>> I tapped into a very creative part of my

brain last night.

>> That sounds awful.

>> Brenda, did you use a drill?

>> No, I used a dream.

Brandon, that's poetic.

>> Thank you.

>> Um, did you know that they used to uh

drill holes in people's heads to let the

evil spirits out?

>> I wrote down my dream and it's it's uh

very creative to write down your dreams.

>> Did you get a good scene out of it?

>> Did I listen to this? Fade in. A man

with an ice cream body enters a bicycle

throwing contest. So, he swims across

the Pacific Ocean with a typewriter tied

to his fingers while being chased by

little sharks wearing napsacks. Then he

plays catch with his moose.

>> I I like the little sharks.

>> Brendan, that scene doesn't make any

sense at all. And the writer's fair is

in two days.

>> Yeah, Brendon. Melissa is right. Lose

the sharks.

>> Okay. Yeah. I uh

>> Brendan, I don't think it's going to

work.

>> Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. You're right.

You're right. This was just an

experiment anyway. The the real stuff is

almost ready. You didn't think this is

the real thing. Did you Did you guys I

was kidding. This isn't I'm working on

it, though. I'm working on the scene and

it'll be the best scene you've ever

seen. No pun intended. Actually, the pun

was intended.

>> Oh, you got me.

>> I thought so. Yeah.

It's just everything's stupid and I

can't write anything. It's stupid.

>> Brendon.

>> Yeah.

>> I haven't slept now in six days.

>> Did you try closing your eyes?

>> Yeah, I tried that. Oh,

>> point is is that I can't really keep my

train of thought.

>> Okay.

>> All right. So, while I'm talking, I may

just

>> coach.

>> What?

>> Um, you were saying

>> what are you doing?

>> Talking to you, I guess. I mean, I

guess.

>> Well, why are you talking and not

practicing, Brendan?

>> We were bec It's Oh, I were talking

about my writer's block, remember?

>> Here's what you do then,

>> coach. Right.

>> Yeah. Take a scene from a famous movie.

Right.

>> Right.

>> Coach,

>> what?

>> Oh, nothing. You were just you were just

kind of starting to tell me like some

advice or something then.

>> Right. And then just change the names

around. Right.

>> Right.

>> Instead of using the name Veto Corleone,

>> call him Marty. All right.

>> But that's stealing,

>> right? So I'm saying don't call it the

Godfather. You just change that, too.

Call it the grandfather.

>> She weekended Bernie's.

>> No. I write a movie like that.

>> Sheila smiled as she lie. Laid lane sat.

Sheila smiled as she sat on the

king-sized bed of the hotel with

Lockwood sleeping soundly next to her.

Just before falling asleep, Lockwood had

talked about a a trip to the Grand

Canyon. A romantic getaway, just the two

of them. Suddenly, the phone rang.

Sheila panicked. Maybe it was the hotel

manager calling to kick out the

adulterers. Sheila answered the phone.

It was room service. She ordered some

champagne and woke up the sleeping Dr.

Lockward by first kissing him on his

dimpled chin.

>> Oh, this is good.

>> All right, you know what? I'm out of

here.

>> Hey, no. Whoa.

>> Yeah, but you're a great subject.

>> Yeah, you haven't slept in seven days.

This is great for our research.

>> I'll tell you something. I'm done. Got

it? No more for me. If you want a guinea

pig, get a rabbit or get a guinea pig.

>> Okay. Whoa. Okay. Great. Thank you for

coming anyway.

>> Yeah. If you still can't sleep, please,

you know, consider returning.

>> You know, I'm not returning. I'm out of

here. Hey, can I keep these, though?

>> Sure.

>> And here's your check, Mr. Mcgherk.

>> Check.

>> It's your fee for letting us study you.

>> 150 bucks. Just for this week.

>> Oh, yeah.

>> Wow. 150?

>> Mhm.

>> You betcha.

>> Do I keep getting more money if I keep

staying?

>> Yes.

>> That's how it works. Yeah.

>> All right, let's get going, guys. Hook

me up.

>> Wow, this is good.

[screaming]

>> Um, so Jason's playing the dentist.

>> Yeah. And you're the female.

>> Shouldn't this say root canal?

>> No, it's love canal. It's a different

kind of a thing.

>> I really have to kiss Jason passionately

for five minutes.

>> Puck her up, sweet lips.

>> Five five minutes stage time. So that's

like really like only like three and a

half. We can't do this on stage.

>> Oh, Jason's a fighter and a lover.

>> It's a little Okay, I'll clean it up.

I'll clean it up. Don't

>> Melissa.

>> Yep.

>> Can we do a little practice?

>> No. Okay, we are going to be live in

front of the entire school in a couple

of hours. Brendan, what are we going to

do?

>> Don't worry about it. I'm a writer. I'm

I'll fix it.

>> Brendon,

>> what? Yeah,

>> let's run away.

>> Okay, nobody's running away. I'm just I

just I I've got to do some tinkering.

>> You have to pee.

>> Tinkering?

Brendan live in front of the whole

school.

>> Oh, right. Yes. No, we can't. No, we

won't. I won't. I'll fix it. I'll fix

it.

>> Uh, Brendan, if I don't get a good grade

on this writer's fair thing, I might

have to go to summer school.

>> I thought you were already going to

summer school.

>> Oh, thanks a lot, Melissa. I was trying

to get him going.

>> Oh,

>> Jason, don't worry. You won't have to go

to summer.

>> No, he does have to go to summer school.

>> Melissa, guys, I got to go tanker.

This is a poem we wrote.

>> Yeah. Perry and I wrote a poem. Yeah.

And we're going to read it for you um

right now.

>> Right now for the writers fear.

>> Okay. Ready?

>> Okay. Okay.

>> Um Oh, wait a second. Um we're supposed

to have a a podium.

>> Yeah, we're supposed to We requested a

podium.

>> Thank you.

>> Thank you.

>> Okay, that's better.

>> This poem is called This poem is called

And we wrote it together. It's a poem

called We Hate. We hate Fenton by Walter

Walter.

>> Ready?

>> Yeah.

>> We hate Fenton because sucks.

>> We hate Fenton so much.

>> Fenton smells bad. Fenton sucks. Fenton.

Fenton. We hate you. They are an idiot.

And I hope you turn blue because you

can't breathe. Fenton. Fenton.

Wow. Aren't they great? Aren't they

great? Big hand for Walter and Perry.

>> We're not finished.

>> Oh, yes, you were. Thank you. Next time.

Okay, [laughter] good.

>> Next up is a oneact play written by and

starring Natasha. Oh, uh, Kit Ketv

Kitf Ketchup Fest. Am I pronouncing that

correctly? Ah. Um, how about a big hand

for Natasha?

Natasha. [applause]

>> Mother, I'm home. The horse bit me again

and fawned at the mouth.

>> Brendan, uh, you're on next.

>> I know.

>> Nervous?

>> No.

>> You should be. This counts for all of

your grade.

>> What?

>> Just kidding. [laughter]

But mother, I cannot eat a chair and I

cannot feel my [screaming] arm.

>> She's good.

>> She's very good. Yeah,

>> the piano player is great.

>> Piano player is fantastic.

>> Mother.

>> Huh? Merk, one more session and you can

buy a DVD player. All right. You want a

DVD, right? Coach. Coach, stay with me.

Stay with me. DVD.

DVD.

Eye on the prize, baby. So tired.

All right, wake up. I need more coffee.

I need the noise. What happened to the

noise? Start digging up the street again

for the love of God.

[applause]

Okay. Okay, Natasha.

Isn't she something? Yes. Now, please

welcome a scene by Brendan, Jason, and

Melissa in a Brendan Small production.

[applause]

Here they are.

>> Forget the script.

>> What?

>> Are you crazy?

>> Uh, no. He's right. Let's run away.

>> Okay, guys. Hum.

M rice

is nice,

>> but it's just a grain.

>> Uh,

I like rice just the same,

>> so I'm not insane.

>> Hit it.

Well, rice

rice

rice.

>> Hola, I am Spanish rice.

>> Hello, I'm [music] peel off.

>> And this, my friend, is wild.

>> I'm a wild rice.

>> Wild rice. Wild rice. That's right.

That's his name. Wild rice. Get wild.

Get wild. Get wild. That's right.

Sheila looked out over the vast Grand

Canyon. It was big. It was vast. It was

grand. Lockwood took some pictures, then

realizing he could never show them to

anyone, tossed the camera into the

canyon below. "That's us," said

Lockwood, sporting a healthy windburn

cheek. "We're like a disposable falling

camera in a canyon that's constantly

careening off things. Oh my god, this is

awful.

Long grain or short grain,

>> brown or white? Rice is the nicest grain

I

[cheering and screaming]

>> rice. Thank you.

>> Thank you. [applause and cheering]

>> All right. Thank you very much. Thank

you for coming out. That has been the

writer fair. All right. Good night

everybody. Good night. I mean everybody

back to class

now.

>> Mr. Mcgherk.

>> Mr. Mcgherk. Mr. Mcgherk.

>> Mr. Mcgherk.

>> You can't stay here.

>> Huh? What?

>> Mr. Mcgherk. You're sleeping again. Go

home.

>> Your insomnia is cured.

>> Oh, no. No. No. No. No. I was just

dozing. It's different.

>> I'm sorry, Mr. Mcgherk. We can't do it

anymore.

>> Do what?

>> We can't have you at the sleep study

program if you're sleeping.

>> Come on. 150 more bucks.

DVD player.

>> Oh.

>> Oh,

>> he was a good subject.

>> Yeah.

>> Well, I better call the police.

>> Yeah.

[snorts]

DVD player.

>> Think you know all about Adult Swim

sizzling summer season smackdown? Wrong.

Get ready for [music] Adult Swim's

meaning of life doomsday bash.

>> Witness the polluted beauty of human

existence,

>> the corruption of the soul,

>> the disintegration of the flesh,

>> and after world gone mad.

>> I've seen it and I can't handle it.

Goodbye.

Afternoon, sir. Bill Butler, how are

you?

Good.

>> Good. Well, prepare to be great, my

friend.

>> I present the Turbo Suck 3000.

>> Actually, you know, my show's about to

start.

>> Don't worry, Dave. The Cox DVR is set to

record every episode. You can watch it

when he's done.

>> Perfect. I'll just need an outlet. There

you go.

>> Watch your favorite shows on your

schedule with the DVR from Cox. TV waits

for you.

>> Now you can get into the deep crevices

here in the corner.

>> Important message for users of Vio

Celebr. I'm attorney Bob Goldwater.

Estimates of how many people have been

injured by Vio, Celre, and [music]

Beextra keep going up. If you use one of

these drugs and had a heart attack or

stroke, I want to talk to you.

>> If you used Vio, [music] Celre, or

Vextra and had a heart attack or stroke,

or if someone you know has died, call

the law firm of Robert Goldwater right

now. You may be entitled to a large cash

award. Call 1800728-4200

now.

to teach the world to chill. Take time

[music] to stop and smile.

I'd like to

get together everybody.

[music]

>> That's what I'm talking about.

>> They call me

[music]

Don't tell me we don't have time to do a

fancy lunch cuz now there's McDonald's

all new premium chicken sandwiches.

Juicy chicken breast in my kind of

flavors like the [music] ranch BLT and

the club. Yep, they're totally five-star

all the way.

Adult Swim Futurama Family Guide

Lab Venture Brothers Robot Chicken Tom

>> [music]

>> Oh, I'm happy.

[music]

[music]

All

right.

[music]

2.

[music]

Damn. Sleepy.

These were like made for you. They'll

accentuate your um mini package. Ew. I

think I'm going to be sick.

>> I'd sure like to show her my package.

Bro, this magazine's from 1962. This

lady's mad old now. She probably wears

diapers, has no keys. Ah, now you're

making me sick.

>> What do you say, Mecca? Is this me? I

don't think that's anybody.

>> Are you here for my delightful company,

or could it possibly be the air

conditioning?

>> Hey, it's cheaper than a movie. You

know, you guys could be hanging out at

the beach or something instead of

absorbing the odor of my mothballs.

>> Jen's right. We should hit the beach.

How about Coney Island?

>> Coney Island? Yeah. The [music] ferris

wheel, bumper cars, cotton candy,

>> throwing bikinis, all types of women

rubbing oil all over.

>> Oh, come on, you guys. It'll be so fun.

Oh, damn. I forget how to get there. You

take the B train. Duh.

>> You're wrong, Chaka. The R is fastest.

Everybody knows that.

>> What? Nah. You have to get the be at

West forth and it's like I don't know

like three stops.

>> Girl, when you talk makes sense. Hey, I

think it all depends on what time of day

it is. Really?

>> Who brought you into this Matt?

>> Hey, what's up your ass?

>> Guys, can we like chill out please? Easy

now. Okay, if this is such a matter of

personal pride, why not, you know, have

a race, okay? And, you know, have a

train race or something. Whoever loses

has to walk around in one of these

bathing suits I have deemed unfit for

human consumption.

Winner's choice. Battle of the sexes.

Yes.

>> I'mma do you in Eddie Gordto style,

baby.

>> Oh. Oh.

>> Hey, Jen. Did you get the

>> Oh, hi.

>> Hey, Alex. We're going to Coney Island.

You want to come?

>> Alex, he's afraid of jellyfish.

And women are throwing bikinis.

>> Thanks, sis. Anyway, I can't because,

you know, I've got stuff to do. I was

just dropping by on my way to, you know,

do stuff.

>> Come on, you guys. It's already noon.

Okay, last one to Nathan's or Big Herbs.

Let's go.

>> You're going down like Nina Williams.

>> Let's roll, baby.

>> So, did you get it?

>> Oo, baby. Yeah. Highest quality. I got

connections.

>> All right.

>> Mhm.

>> So, can we get it on here?

>> Oh, come on. Are you crazy? And get

fired? I'll get fired. There's no way

I'm going to jeopardize my job for some

cheap thrill. Sorry.

We'll go over to your place.

>> You are such a conscientious worker.

>> Thank you.

>> Is the art really faster?

>> I don't know. So why did you say it was?

Chaka thinks she's so smart. You both

think you're smart. You're both wrong,

though. Look right here, man. Right here

on the map. Look. The N is best right

here, bro. Look. We sit on that and we

can't lose. Damn, man. You really blow

me away. It was a year before I even

knew this thing was a map. Sucker. Here

it comes.

Sit back and relax. Victory is ours.

Damn, man. I can't wait. It's one of

those topless chops from the 60s.

Chaka's going to freak. We should pick

up a camera.

We've been waiting like a billion years

for this stupid B train to come. Come

on. What's the problem? This is the

fastest way, right? I don't know. Then

why did you say it was? Fruity thinks

he's so smart.

Finally, it's about time.

We can't take it. And it's an F. Damn

it.

Isn't this the wrong train? Who cares?

Every train is up in Corny Island

anyway. Are you sure? Yeah.

[music]

So, break it out. Dinosaur dentist. A

classic.

>> He has got all his teeth.

>> You first.

>> Okay, [ __ ] You get in a root canal.

[music]

Hey, your turn. Okay.

Focus. Focus.

You are not going to bite your head.

[music]

Yes, I am the king of the world. I'm

going to just I love playing games. I

love it. What would you say is your

favorite game of all time? What's the

best game?

>> Pass the Orange.

That's not a game. That's that's it's a

perversion.

>> Well, it qualifies as something. I admit

it may not have the groundbreaking

graphics of Final Fantasy, but it's

cheap and simple and provides

opportunity for physical contact with

like [music] cute near strangers,

>> right? Girls like you can handle that.

Like when we were at that party,

remember on Beth Ber's roof and you had

to pass the orange to me

>> and then you dropped it on purpose.

>> I was doing you a favor, baby. I could

tell you had it bad for Beth.

>> Damn your evil [music] minations. Did it

just to torture me?

I was simultaneously in heaven and in

hell.

So then it was inevitable that Beth and

Brett hook up

>> and live annoyingly ever after. [music]

>> So why did you run away like that? You

got shy all of a sudden?

>> Um something like that. I uh got a I

>> you know. Yeah.

>> Did Alex get a little boner?

>> We stay on until the last stop at

Stillwell Avenue. Okay. My abrasion.

That sounds like sex.

>> Oh, sweat. Matt. Matt. Look, I'm

serious. I'm going to marry that girl.

You know, before you make a big decision

like this, you might want to check out

the bus.

[music]

>> Hi. Could you help me? I'm supposed to

meet a friend in some place called uh

Coney [music] Island.

That change blows. I could walk faster.

>> Quick, let's get the B.

Crap. We are so screwed. Hurry. Get back

up.

Wait. Hold the door, sister.

[laughter]

>> [music]

[music]

>> That skirt looks good on you, but it

will look better baldled up in [music]

the corner of my room.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Cuz

I can see [music] myself in your pants.

>> [music]

>> Do fries come with that shake? Cuz I'm

feeling greasy.

>> So, [music] you're saying it's not

really an island?

>> They just call it Coney Island. It's

part of Brooklyn.

>> This is really messing with my reality

now. Gilligan's Island, that's a real

island, right? And Thousand Islands

dressing. What's up with that?

>> Do you believe in fate?

No, I believe I have to go.

>> Hey, wait up. This is my stop, too. Come

on, man. Come on. I'm getting off. No.

Wait. Remember the plan. Don't mess up

the plan. What's wrong with you? I'm

missing my big chance here. We'll take

the R or something. What's the

difference? Don't flake out on me,

Fruity. I'm not going to end up in no

Spider-Man under. Hey, you forgot to

trade numbers.

>> I don't think so.

>> Little mama's boy. Damn dog.

We should stop and look at a map.

The guys are going to win. The M train.

What the hell is that? I think it goes

to Mars. Oh. Oh. Oh, not funny. It's not

even supposed to be here. Whatever.

We're getting [music] on.

Let the game begin. When he eats my

balls, I win. I have got to beat cuz my

balls loves to eat.

>> That last one doesn't count towards your

total. You were supposed to throw a pink

and you threw a green.

>> What are you talking about? Give me a

break.

>> And you've been keeping score all wrong

from the beginning. You marked yourself

for a triple blast all when you only got

a double. Dare you. And the diagram.

>> Hold it. Hold it. Let's just take a step

back. Okay.

>> What's the matter? what we're doing.

It's not normal. You know what I'm

saying?

>> Man, you're right. This is pitiful.

>> Yeah.

>> I mean, come on. Look at us. Just look

at us.

>> Is this how normal adult human beings

should be living their lives?

>> No. I'm ashamed.

>> We should be doing something that

requires a bit more maturity.

>> That's 30 points.

Do you think they'll actually make us

wear one of those stupid ugly bathing

suits? Mecca, we're going to win. This

train is going like mad miles an hour.

You saying like I don't know what I'm

doing or something?

>> No, not really. It's just that you know

how you are. Sometimes you just sort of

jump into things. Look, honey, if I

didn't take a risk once in a while, we

wouldn't like even know Matt and Fruity

in the first place. So, I was the one

dancing in the fountain in Washington

Square Park that day and looking really

hot. So, [music] all the guys checking

me out. Matt and Fruity especially. They

were probably just trying to get the

nerve to talk [music] to me or whatever,

but

>> yeah, they sure were staring at you.

Who's the dork on the skateboard? Ew.

And where'd his friend get that haircut?

Kmart.

I was working up some fancy moves and I

guess it was my impressive [music]

skateboard technique that attracted the

ladies.

I swear man, right then [music] I saw

Chaka and Mecca just scheming at me all

out.

Forget it. She's really flat, man. Like

an ironing boy. You never know. Some

girls start late. But man, I'm in a

hurry. Impressive skateboard techniques.

You got a warped memory, man.

>> I got another one.

>> My antenna's messed up. No excuses. I

got six pollen pellets. How many do you

have? Shut up. Do you have any?

>> Shut up. Wa. Did I touch a nerve?

Guess so. [music] She had a gorgeous

face, man. Symmetrical. Everything

corresponded with her body.

And I lost out because of your precious

plan, Professor X. You should loosen up,

bro. Hey, if it wasn't for me, your

horny ass would get us into all sorts of

trouble. You got to keep a cool head to

get by in the city, man.

>> [music]

>> Did I tell you about the other day when

I was on a D going downtown? All right.

Look, some guy is pushing through as the

doors are closing. Get out. Um, he must

have been in some kind of rush. He's

yanking himself through the door, you

know, pushing everybody out the way. And

this gun falls out of his jacket, falls

right there on the [music] floor, man,

in front of everybody. Get out of here.

Yeah, man. Look, everybody runs out the

car into the next one. I'm I'm there by

myself, man, cuz I didn't know what to

do. I was like, "Whoa." Right. And then

like I don't know. He has he's coming

right at me. He has this like weird look

in his face, you know? I'm scared, man.

Cuz he look crazy. He sits down next to

me. I can feel his knee against mine. I

can smell his breath. It's bad breath.

I'm thinking, "Be cool. Be cool, man.

Don't let on that, you freak." Cuz I was

pretty scared, man. And he looks at me

and he says,

>> "Want to buy a gun?"

>> Yeah, man. So, I was like, you know,

trying to be smooth, but I was like,

"Yeah, man. I just bought one on the A

train." Damn, Maddie. You're one lucky

boy. I hope it's catching here. Come,

come here. Let me let me rub your belly

for my belly, man. Don't touch my That's

Buddhist belly you're supposed to rub,

not mine. Damn.

>> Construction Avenue. U will be the last

stop on this entry. End of the line.

Everybody off.

>> Man, your plan really sucks. [music]

Can't wait to see Fruity hanging in the

breeze. Hey, wait a minute. Isn't that

that loser who held the door for us? Oh,

yeah.

What are you doing?

>> Hands up, ladies. Oh my god.

>> Isn't this the train Frutti said to take

in the first place? Um, no.

Mega, the thing with guys is, all right,

they're going to walk all over you if

you don't like take a stand for

yourself. You know, even when you're

wrong.

>> Are you kidding me, girl? Especially

when you're wrong. You don't want to

look vulnerable in front of anybody.

>> Sure. I guess that makes some kind of

weird warped chaka world sense.

>> You got to like train a guy. A guy isn't

a dog. True that. But when you cut off a

dog's nose, they call you socially

responsible.

[music]

Wow, we're really moving. Maybe we will

win after all.

Hey, why are we at Prince Street?

>> What do you mean?

>> Oh, I can't believe it. We're in

Manhattan. E, we went the wrong way. Oh,

[music]

>> you never leave a man behind. I'm going

in. Cover me.

>> Watch it.

>> Hey, you did that on purpose.

>> And what if I did?

>> You're a big cheater.

>> Cheater? You can't stand to lose, can

you? You are so serious. Oh my god, I

didn't follow the rules. It's the end of

the world.

>> Oh, now I'm seeing the real Jen. The

sneaky conniving [ __ ]

>> I was enjoying myself until you turned

into the Rudy Giuliani of board games.

>> God, you're difficult. No wonder you

don't have a boyfriend. [laughter]

>> Yeah, what about you? What girl in their

right mind would go out with a tight ass

control freak?

>> I'll take that back or I'm leaving.

>> A guy who needs to check a rule book

before he takes a piss.

>> I checked the book once.

>> A guy who takes a Polaroid of the

Monopoly board when he leaves the room

just to keep things honest.

>> Oh, so now you're against honesty.

>> No wonder the only woman in your life

has missed July.

>> And when was the last time you went out

on a normal date? Huh? No wonder you're

hiding out here playing kitty games all

weekend. Loser.

>> Oh, you're the loser. You're a loser.

>> You know you're I don't even have to

read. I know you're loser.

>> [sighs]

>> How about a round of tiny tiny tadpole?

>> You're on.

Watch it. Damn.

Great. That really adds to the day. God,

we we are some poor ass suckers, man.

Well, at least we're in the right

burrow. How could a train line just end

like that in the middle of nowhere?

We'll never beat the girls now. [music]

I better get ready to walk down the

beach in spandex panties.

>> I'll be there, too, you know.

>> Yeah, damn right. Cuz if we had switched

when I wanted to, not only will we be

there by now, but I could have gotten

with that cutie on the train.

>> Oh no, naughty cat. [music] Mind

overboard. I would have worked her and

she would have been all over me. It

would have been fat. And on Saturday

night, I go out with this hot gal on my

arm. And because I be with such a

beautiful looking woman, all the other

women would want to be [music] with me.

Me alone. And it would go on and on and

on in an escalating matter. Really?

Yeah. And I'd be going, [music] there's

plenty of me to go around girls and

getting my freak on with them on the

dance floor. But of course though, when

it's time to decide who to go home with,

I will carefully consider the

possibilities. You know, I'm I'm I'm a

Papy Chulo. You know, you got to you got

to sort them out, right? You know,

[music] choosing one or two or maybe

even three of the finest. I can't be

greedy, bro. I think I can see your head

growing.

Damn, just when it was getting good.

>> Listen, Captain Suave, we're not going

to let ourselves be emasculated. No way.

What? It's kind of like castrated, but

not as bad.

>> If it's anything like castrated, it's

bad enough.

Like, we can do this, man. We're guys,

we're strong. We're determined. We're

wearing cross trainers. Yeah. Come on.

It's only 20 more blocks. [music] Let's

run. Let's bounce, cowboy.

>> Girl, I like the way you spin.

>> Oh, thank you. Well, I've never been

with a guy who rolls doubles the way you

can. Over and over.

>> Well, you know I save that for you,

right?

>> I know. [music]

It was unbelievable.

You think you could do it again, big

boy?

>> I don't know. Can you handle it?

>> I think so.

>> Are you ready? You ready for some more?

I could really go for some Uncle Wiggly.

>> I think I need 10 minutes.

>> No problem.

>> I'm hungry.

[music]

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>> Woohoo. [screaming]

Yeah. All right. What's up, Shake Money

Maker? It's going to be fun.

Damn,

>> I'm going to be masculated.

>> The bomb. Yo,

>> congratulations.

>> Wouldn't believe what happened to us.

>> I don't care. You lost.

>> But there were extensuating

circumstances.

>> Hold up. Let me say it again. You lost.

[laughter]

>> I should have waxed, man. I feel the

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>> Oh no, you two again. Are you following

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>> Ah, you took a taxi.

>> I think you are fatly mistaken, sir.

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>> Oh, you you big fat dumb guy.

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>> The name's Jackson.

>> Lisa, so what do you do?

>> My business is all about you.

>> He thought he could threaten her.

>> Joe Risert,

>> your father.

>> Where did you get that?

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>> He thought he could control her.

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>> You're going to kill my dad.

He thought wrong. When the plane lands,

the ride begins. From director Wes

Craraven, Rachel McAdams, Killian

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August 19th. [music]

We now return to Thugnificent. Rags to

[ __ ]

The story of Thugnificent begins here in

the projects of Terabel, Georgia, one of

the poorest and toughest towns in the

country. Terabel leads Georgia in

homicides, infant mortality, AIDS, and

everything else bad. Yeah. You know, in

Latin they say Terabel means beautiful

earth, but in Georgia, Terabel means

[ __ ] up place to live. Terrible.

Terabel. Yes, sir. That's our name for

it. Now, this right here is where I grew

up. I seen everything, man. Everything.

I seen a [ __ ] get killed right over

there. You know, they beat him up,

stomped him, shot the dude, stomped the

[ __ ] again, and then I seen him take a

dump on the dude. I swear to God, man,

they actually like shot a deuce on this

[ __ ] man. You know what I'm saying?

They shot on the [ __ ] man. And I

started thinking to myself, man,

what did he do to make them [ __ ] that

mad?

Now, right over here, that's where the

police station used to be. Yeah, they

must not have liked that location much

cuz uh they up and left.

>> So, where's the new police station?

>> What [ __ ] There was no more police

station after that. Pigs got the [ __ ] up

out of here. That's when they put this

big ass fence up around the city.

[screaming and groaning]

>> So, what was it like growing up in a

place like this?

>> It was hard. You know, a lot of people

don't know that places like this even

exist in America. You know what I'm

talking about. They don't know how dirty

the South really gets.

That's a damn shame. But that's real

[ __ ] though, [ __ ] You got naked kids.

You got parents got to choose between

food and clothes for their kids. Shorty

or for themselves. It's real out here,

[ __ ]

I am the stone [music] that the builder

refused. I am the visual, the

inspiration that made ladies sing the

blues. I'm the spark that makes your

idea bright. The same spark that lights

the dark so that you can know your left

from [music] your right. I am the ballot

in your box, the bullet in the gun, the

[singing] inner globe and let you know

to call your brother son. The story that

just begun [music] the promise of what's

to come and [singing] I'mma remain a

soldier till the war is farop.

[laughter]

[music]

I think he's in.

>> She said there's probably going to be a

lot of orgies.

>> I can't believe it. This is soight.

That's not true. Like the greatest thing

that ever happened in our neighborhood

where you can like track like if someone

like does anything.

>> What in the hell?

>> Totally.

>> What's going on?

>> What's going on?

>> Well, he's moving in.

>> Who?

>> You really should come to more of the

community council meetings, Robert.

>> I ain't worried about no damn council

meeting. Damn, who's moving in?

>> He's coming, you guys. Everybody get

ready.

>> Oh my gosh. Totally.

Get ready.

>> Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know

that song. Magnificent.

Oh man, and the lethal interjection

living here.

>> Magnificent. I can't believe it.

Yeah.

>> That's right, y'all. Put your hands on

white [ __ ]

is the [ __ ]

>> Man, I want to go over there, but I

don't want to dick ride. You know, would

that be dick riding? You think to go

over there?

>> What it do, Wood Crest? What's hood in

the wood? White folks, I just want to

say we happy to be out here in our new

crib. And

>> all right, what if I just go over there

and give him a pound and be like, "What

up, dog?" Like, not really all on his

sack or nothing. Yeah.

>> Get back here, Riley.

>> Oh, come on, Grandad. I'll be right

back.

>> I don't want either one of you going

anywhere near that house. You hear me?

>> I might buy everything. You know what?

Uh, I don't want a dick ride, so I'mma

just uh go back to the house in our new

crib in Woodrest with all these trees

and white [ __ ] and lemonade and

bagels and [ __ ] But you know how we do.

We bring in the hood with us right here.

Now, let's make it rain.

[screaming]

That's right, [ __ ] I'm about to do a

big wood press, [ __ ] Right across the

street, I'm going put a club. Uh, next

door is [music] going to be my detail

shop, [ __ ] I'm about to clear all this

[ __ ] out.

>> Look out, bro. That's right, y'all. Then

you never bringing the hood to this very

street. The ghetto was here, y'all.

>> Ain't this a picture?

>> Who in the hell left the gate open?

>> Cuz I love it.

>> What up, old [ __ ]

You got some words of welcome for all

this thugnance? Come on over here. Do it

big, man. Thug out with the homie

nappy beheaded hoes.

>> Oh yeah. Well, [ __ ] you old ass [ __ ]

Stop hating and get money, my [ __ ] You

just mad at all this thugnificence.

Respect it, man. [snorts]

Breathe it in, [ __ ] Bask in it. Now,

where were we?

I don't know. I I think it's pretty

cool, I guess, having a big celebrity

move in. Well, I don't really know much

about him, but my two teenage kids are

very excited. You know, they love him.

They have the CD discs and the video

games and the dungarees [music] with his

name on the um pocket.

>> I don't want them damn [ __ ] living

across the street from me. Shoot. You

paid too much money for my house. Funny

ass music.

>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get them out of

here.

>> I'mma kill this [ __ ] Doug and

his cohorts, [music] Mtastic and

Phenominal, formed the Lethal

Interjection Crew and tasted success

early with the Smash Club Anthem, Booty

Butt Cheeks.

Now, Thug Nific has a new multi-million

dollar [music] major label deal, a new

house in the suburbs, and a new album,

Rags to [ __ ] You see, Rags to

[ __ ] is more than an album. You know

what I'm saying? I consider as a

movement. The way I'm looking at it, I'm

picking up where Malcolm Xler falls,

[ __ ] It's that big. You know what I'm

saying? This is the movement that says,

you know, don't grow up and basically

act like a [ __ ] fool all the time and

you can still make it about the hood and

enjoy everything that life has to offer.

It's like somebody threw a million

dollars into the monkey cage at the zoo.

It breaks my heart to watch the

degradation of this decent place.

>> Well, we can't live next to their kind.

We have kids.

>> I ain't going to stand for it. We were

here first,

>> right?

>> What we going to do?

>> Well, I'd sell my house if I thought it

was still worth anything.

>> Why don't you just invite them over for

dinner and get to know one another?

>> Yeah, I guess I could do that.

>> What's it, [ __ ] Hey, [ __ ] What the

chicken wings and the donuts say?

>> What the [ __ ] you got to eat in this

[ __ ] [ __ ]

Mm- That [ __ ] ain't happening.

What the hell going on out here?

Hey, shut up about all that damn noise.

I'm an old man. Y'all need to listen to

some net king co and some Johnny

Matthysse.

Oh. Oh, no.

>> Why don't you call her that?

[music]

Hey, little homie. [music] Hulk up, my

[ __ ]

>> You ain't got no drink.

>> Get some of this Incredible Hulk, little

[ __ ]

>> Thanks, man. Hey, my name is Riley and I

live across the street.

>> Oh, with the mean old man.

>> Yeah, that's my granddad. Don't mind

him. He a hater. Look, I don't want to

be dick fried or nothing, you know. I

just want to say that I like your music

and uh you know this is my turf over

here and I'm holding it down for all the

young G's. So you know holl at your man

if you need anything. I ain't on your

nuts though. [laughter]

>> Oh man. Respect little partner. Hey this

little nigga's all right y'all. Hey

[ __ ] get your [ __ ] feet off

the table. You know your mama taught you

better than that ghetto ass [ __ ] It's

your mother. Hey put the [ __ ]

cool in the jacuzzi.

So then I say to R. Kelly, did you wash

your hands?

>> Hey, for real or on the real, yo, this

little [ __ ] funny, man. This little

[ __ ] like Charlie Murphy or some [ __ ]

man. Hey, man. This your brother?

>> Hello. Goodbye.

>> Yo, [ __ ] your brother told us how you

be all into reading and [ __ ] Hey,

that's some real good [ __ ] my [ __ ]

For real. Congratulations, [ __ ]

>> Did you just congratulate me for [music]

reading?

>> Word. Oh yeah, man. You know, it's good

[ __ ] homie. Word. You know what I mean?

You know that reading [ __ ] you know

what I mean? It's hard, son. Word. You

know what I mean? Word. You know what I

mean? Especially when them books be, you

know what I mean? You know, real thick

and heavy like, you know what I mean?

Word. You know what I mean?

>> Oh, we're going to take off. This

doesn't seem to be a place for kids.

>> The [ __ ] you talking about, man? We got

PlayStation and Xbox, [ __ ] And we got

Incredible Hulks, [ __ ] All the kids

welcome, [ __ ]

>> Huh? Get your drunk ass out of here.

>> What the [ __ ] My yard. [screaming]

>> 911 emergency. A hole.

>> Okay, so that's complaint number 34457.

Dash two regarding excessive noise.

People walking around where they don't

want them to be eating outside when they

think they should be inside at a table.

Uh-oh. You filed a complaint against me,

old man. You filed a complaint against

Thug Nific.

Fine. It's on now. Rap beef, [ __ ] Cuck

ass

[ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] stomp them in the

nuts. I'm stomp them in the nuts.

[music] Stomp them in the nuts. I'mma

stomp them in the nuts.

>> We now return to Thugnificent Rags to

[ __ ] Thugnificence rags to [ __ ]

story took an unexpected turn recently

when he moved into his first home in the

super elite suburb of Woodrest. Several

of the neighborhood's black residents

filed a complaint to have Thugnificent

forced out of the neighborhood. Let me

ask you something. How did it make you

feel knowing that this neighborhood's

black residents didn't want you here?

>> Man, it hurt more than anything, you

know, to be stabbed in the back by your

own people. And for no reason, man,

we've been good neighbors.

>> Superb, homie.

>> Exemplary.

>> I feel sorry for them, though, cuz they

must have forgot where they came from.

>> You don't know where I came from. I'm

from a small town called whip a rapper a

little narrow country ass and you Hey,

put that camera back over here. I ain't

finished my damn line and y'all making

me homesick and stick that up your ass.

>> Eat a dick old man

of baby dicks, [ __ ]

>> Yo, welcome back. Welcome back. It's

your boy T. All right, let's get into

something brand new. The club banger f

Grandad by my man, that's my boy, my

friend Thugnificent. You know what it

is. Fat man scoop on the radio right

here. New thugnificent F granddad. The

first diss record against somebody's

family member. And it's got my main man

Nate Doggity Dog on the hook. Check it

out.

[music]

>> You're just mad cuz your [music] ass is

old. First thing you do is just pick up

the phone

next to your home. [ __ ] Grandpa.

Old [ __ ] is

>> Oh, [ __ ] Lethal interjection

versus what? Oh, [ __ ] He picked up the

phone. Now [music] my fingers on the

trigger. Snitching ain't the thing to

do. So now me and my crew going to show

the block how to handle this fool. He

just hating cuz we went from rags to

riches [music] to badest [ __ ]

Somebody need to ask these snitches why

they talking to police. No justice, no

peace. My house is paid for. No rent, no

lease.

>> Just mad cuz your ass is old. Yeah.

First thing you do is just pick up the

phone. Lethal interjection living

[music] next to your home. [ __ ]

grandpa. Oh, [ __ ]

You're just mad cuz your ass is old.

[ __ ] First thing you do is just

[music] pick up the phone. Interjection

living next to your home. [ __ ]

grandpa.

This old man, he played fool. Now

[singing and music] his ass is grass for

dropping dimes on my crew. The only

reason that I pack a strap is that I

knew this old [ __ ] was fouled like half

a shack. Shack. This is the type [music]

of heat that when they start playing it,

oh folks should get their ass whooped

for acting all game [ __ ]

>> You done cross the line so it don't cost

a dime. Somebody toss my nine.

[screaming]

That was crazy. What in the hell was

that? Was that about me?

>> Man, tell me you didn't think that was

hot. Oh, wait. Oh, wait. Let me guess.

You going to hate on it just cuz they

was talking about you. You need to stop

with the hate crimes. Grandad,

>> that wasn't even me. That's that [ __ ]

from Friday dressed like me. I'll sue.

>> You might want to go over there and talk

to them before this gets out of hand.

>> You know what? [ __ ] them. They can make

all the silly little videos they want.

When the council vote on my complaint,

they'll be out of the neighborhood.

>> Dang, Grandad. I always knew you was a

hater, but I never thought you'd be

famous for it.

>> Goodbye, magnificent.

>> Tom.

>> Oh, uh,

hey, Robert.

>> But Tom, you filed the complaint with

me.

>> Yeah, then I thought about it and I just

went over there and met the guys and

turns out they're not so bad. A little

country, maybe. You know, they use the

word the instead of there.

>> But Tom, I thought we were in this

together.

>> Yeah,

I know. Me, too.

This is really uncomfortable. So, I'm

just going to [laughter]

mosey.

[cough]

Hello. Yo, this X. Who's this?

>> Uh, hey there. This is uh Granddad. Uh,

you did some work on my car.

>> Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You

talking about the Grandad from the Thug

Nific song? Oh [ __ ] man. That's my [ __ ]

right there, man. I love that song. They

roasted you, man. How it go? How it go?

Oh, you just mad cuz your ass is old,

man. They killed you.

>> Yeah. See, that's actually why I'm

calling. See, I'm going to make my own

rap about Thug Nent and embarrass him.

>> Hey yo, you never going to guess who on

the phone. And did you know that fool

parked cars on my yard? I'm going to rap

about that, too. So, uh, XYZ, whatever

your name is, I was wondering if you

would be interested in rapping with me

on this song. See, I rap first. You can

come in and rap second. But no curse

words and none of them crazy metaphors.

Your breast look like two mountains.

Done that. Just stick to the point.

>> Can you turn me up in the headphones?

>> Grandad, you're only making things much,

much worse.

>> Oh, hush boy. I can rap. Big Tank,

please make it hot. player. Yeah. This

rap go out to punk nificent and all his

fame. Yeah. Yeah. Old punk ass nicely

went to high school. [music] That's why

he's a mother. Mother mother fool. Mama

was a fool. Daddy was too. You want to

be like the don't go to school, fool.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

>> This [ __ ] went to YouTube.

>> No, this [ __ ] didn't. It's really on

there.

>> Oh, hell no. This little [ __ ] [ __ ]

ass old ass [ __ ] Hey yo, where the

mother? Hello. Oh, hey. Hey, man. What's

What's going on, Ma? Ma, I ain't

threatening no old people. Come on, man.

That ain't even my style, man. This

little old dude, Ma, just one. Ma, I

really need to call you back, please.

Cuz I do. Mom, I'm in a meeting. Ma, let

me Can I call you back, please? Ma.

Oh, okay. Okay, cool. I will. I'mma call

you back, Mommy. I love you, too.

Hey, we going to [ __ ] this old ass [ __ ]

up. Nah, you know I don't hate old

people. It's just sometimes you got to

let him know not to get it twisted. Just

cuz you live a long life don't mean it

can't come to a short end. [ __ ]

what's up world? This is Sway. Law

enforcement sources have confirmed that

two Cleveland teens have been arrested

for assaulting this man. while reciting

the lyrics to Thugnificent's hit F

granddad. One of the teens reportedly

told police, "I beat up old people

because Thugnificent does it and that

makes it cool." It wasn't the last

incident. Recently, a rash of elderly

assaults attributed to the beef have

broke out, including two in Lithuania

and one in Tokyo. The AARP announced a

boycott of Thug Nific's record label.

It's feared that the protest could soon

explode into more violence. Man, Thug

Nent ain't tell nobody to beat up no old

people.

>> I don't even really see how someone

could even get something like that out

of that song.

>> Thug is talking about what he's going

through. So maybe a young person

listening won't have to go through the

same [ __ ] You smell me?

>> Hey yo, people always want to

You know what I mean?

>> Ladies and gentlemen, what started as a

simple disagreement between neighbors

has devolved into senseless, ignorant,

self-destructive generational tribalism.

Fortunately, a robust exchange of ideas

has taken place and we are hopeful to

having a resolution shortly. Thank you.

>> He lets me whoop. We can call it [ __ ]

wood trying to whoop me.

>> You know you mess with [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm

from the [laughter] dirty dirty [ __ ]

>> Somebody here please be an adult. You're

neighbors. You have to live together.

>> Hey man, you know what? Somebody here

needs to be an adult. We're neighbors.

We have to learn to live together. Yeah,

I agree. Exactly. That's what I'm

talking about. Damn. I

>> That's a really grown up way to look at

it, Doug. Not that I'm pole jocking or

nothing. Hey, everybody good in here?

Beverages?

What about you, big guy? You good?

Hey, let me get that for you, homie. Any

of y'all need a coaster? Let me go get

y'all these coasters right quick. Now,

old man, we feel like we've been very

courteous neighbors.

>> Courteous? Well, what about the loud

party,

>> [ __ ] You gave us permission to have

that party.

That's not my signature.

>> Hey, uh, I think I'm going to go whip

y'all up a little snack or something.

Who's up for guacamole? I'll make some

me.

>> Well, what about parking all those damn

cars in [laughter] my yard and ruining

my lawn,

>> man? How is we supposed to know Valet

was parking cars on your yard? [ __ ]

was passed out by then.

>> We was fixing to come over and

apologize, but then you had to go off

and start filing complaints and doing

all that old gay [ __ ]

>> And you know what really hurts me is

that you didn't respect us enough as

homeowners to just talk things out in a

neighborly fashion.

>> That's a really powerful sentiment you

just expressed right there, [music] Thug

Nific.

>> Well, what about all that stuff in the

video, huh? Oh, [ __ ] that was just

entertainment.

>> You being real sensitive right now, man.

>> Yeah, man. Anybody can see that. That

was a satirical ass beating.

>> [music]

>> Granddad, if you apologize to

Thugnificent for filing the complaint,

then I'm sure Thugnificent, you will be

willing to apologize for the video.

>> Wait, wait, wait, wait. Please,

>> can we at least agree for the sake of

old people everywhere that there will be

no more disc records?

>> Fine. Spits hot fire. I'll eat your ass

up on the mic if you keep messing with

me.

>> You pay for my lawn, boy. Eat a dick,

old [ __ ]

>> Yeah. You know what rags to [ __ ]

means is that there's more to life than

what you're born into. There's also

[ __ ]

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

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great tastes all in one pack.

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Trident, I'm out's best friend.

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>> [music]

[music]

>> I'm tired of eating all this junk at

night.

>> You got a better idea.

>> Hey guys, over here.

>> All right, punch it. [screaming]

>> Satisfy those late night cravings at

Wendy's pickup window.

>> Welcome to Wendy's. Everybody hide.

We make everything fresh. From our hot

and juicy hamburgers to our spicy

chicken sandwich till midnight or later.

>> It's good to be nocturnal.

>> Do Wendy's. Do what tastes right.

>> From visionary director Terry Gileiam.

A dark secret.

>> We're here to save your land from evil

enchantments. A hidden past. This place

is haunted by a witch

>> and a legend. That's Graham.

>> Your town shall be haunted. No more.

10 girls gone missing.

>> We have to do this.

>> The Brothers Grim story time is over.

>> Rated PG-13 in theaters August 26th.

>> It's cool with your freaks on the beat.

It's flat out. Compete in full throttle

racing, then hit the destruction derby

and trash everything you see. There's

also six bonus games where you hurl the

driver off the windshield. You want the

most destructive racing game out there?

You want flat out

>> awesome.

>> Rated T14.

This morning, the center nation is

directing in the direction of St. John.

>> I am the stone that the builder [music]

refused. I am the visual, the

inspiration that made ladies sing the

blues. I'm the spark that [singing]

makes your idea bright. The same spark

that lights the dark so that you can

know your left from your right. I am the

ballot in [music and singing] your box,

the bullet in the gun, the inner glow

and let you know to call your brother

son. The story that just begun, the

promise of what's to come and [music]

I'mma remain a soldier till the war is

far.

Now, let's see here.

Ryi was

Riy was her. I'm afraid I don't get it.

It says Riley was here.

>> No, it doesn't. It says Riley was her.

>> How you going to tell me? I wrote it.

>> Oh, I'm not saying it's not good. I'm

just saying you could make it more clear

to people that you were here. You're

Riley, I presume?

>> Uh, yeah.

>> Hey, Riley, it sure is super to meet

you. See there where the here is all

scrunched?

>> I ran out of room. Well, that's why God

gave houses four walls.

You see how roughing out the letters

first helped us make sure everything

fit?

>> Yeah, now [ __ ] will definitely know I

was here.

>> But as an artist, you must ask yourself,

why should they care that I was here?

Well, that's all the time we have for

today. I hope to see you again real

soon.

Hey,

>> who are you?

>> Come back here. [screaming]

>> It wasn't me.

>> It says Riley was here.

>> Or maybe it was another Riley. You

dropped these pictures and um you have

paint all over your hands.

>> Riley, graffiti is a serious crime. Now,

as the assistant district attorney, I'd

have to arrest you and send you to jail.

And you wouldn't want that, would you?

>> No, cuz I remember when you got arrested

that one time and you was crying cuz you

thought they were going to rape you.

>> I don't exactly remember it happening

like that.

>> Yeah, it did. The way you was talking,

they was f to wear that ass out.

>> Okay, so we're all agreed that none of

us wanted to go to jail.

>> And then there was something about a

salad or something.

>> Yes, salads for dinner. They make you

eat vegetables every night and they're

not delicious

at all.

>> Uh, is the cop here for me or Riley?

>> Your brother got caught spraying

graffiti on Wait, why would he be here

for you?

Uh, don't reason.

>> Fine. I knew y'all was going to find a

way to blame me for this. Go ahead. Say

hello to the bad guy. But a white man

told me to do it.

>> Wait a minute. What white man? What did

he look like?

>> White? I just assume he was in charge.

>> Why?

>> Cuz he was white.

>> And just what did this white man look

like?

>> He had a Who do I look like? Snitchy

Mcrat. I don't talk to police. Boy, you

better work your mouth.

>> If you're going to take me to jail, then

take me to jail.

>> Tell the Robinsons I'll pay for all the

damages. I'm very sorry. It won't happen

again.

>> Man, what was up with them? They was

tripping. What we got to eat?

[screaming]

>> Come here. boat over here.

>> We all know that the images we see can

elicit strong emotional reactions,

>> but I've always wondered, can the images

we see do more than hurt us emotionally?

Is it possible to see something so bad

that it actually hurts you physically?

In other words, can too much black

television kill you?

>> You keep it up. I'm going give you

another rubber of heaven.

>> The idea that too much black television

can kill you is absolutely preposterous.

I should know. I'm an expert. Can't you

tell by my accent?

>> Actually, in 1999,

21-year-old Shakoya Peterson died

suddenly in the 13th hour of a 24-hour

Parker's Marathon on UPN.

The exact cause of death was never

determined.

Shakoya's family settled out of court

for an undisclosed [music] amount of

money. UPN admitted no wrongdoing. I

decided I would watch nothing but black

people on TV for 2 weeks to see if I

suffered any adverse health effects. I

started by getting a full physical at

the health office.

>> Oh, your blood pressure is fine, [music]

which is unusual for black people. And

your overall level of health is

excellent.

>> These were the rules. I was only allowed

to watch TV featuring a majority of

African-American performers, commercials

included.

Okay, niggerize me.

>> And this is just more proof the white

man made a tragic misjudgment when he

made illegal that these [ __ ] to read

and right paint faster. Oh, what? What?

What you call that art? Huh? Ain't no

[ __ ] ever been good at drawing. If

Michelangelo had been black, Jesus would

look like George Jefferson. Keep

hanging.

>> Okay, we're here. I'll pick you up in an

hour.

>> Grandad, I'm sorry. I don't want art

lessons.

>> Well, maybe if you learn to draw on

paper, you wouldn't be drawing on

people's houses.

>> I won't draw again ever.

>> I know you won't. I picked a good

teacher for you, too. Oo, boring. And

you better not fall asleep now. Get out

of here.

>> It's you.

>> Hey, Riley. It sure is super to see you

again. Let's get started.

And what the heck? Let's have some

mountains and some clouds. Oh, and of

course, some joyful little trees right

there.

Isn't that beautiful? I love painting

trees. What do you like to paint, Riley?

[laughter] Aside from your own name, of

course.

>> I got in trouble cuz of you. I thought

it was your house.

>> It was my mistake. But you'll find I

don't really believe in mistakes. I

believe in happy accidents. Because you

got in trouble, your granddad hired me,

and we are going to have so much fun.

Well, Riley, I certainly don't want to

keep you here if you don't want to. Your

granddad wants to make sure I make you

do just one drawing a day. Then you can

go.

>> I just got to draw one thing.

>> Anything you want. Have fun.

>> Cool.

[laughter]

What?

>> Oh, nothing. You're free to go.

>> What's funny?

>> Nothing. Nothing at all. I'll call your

granddad and tell him you're walking

home.

>> I wasn't really trying. I could do

better if I wanted.

>> Oh, I'm sure.

>> Hey, you ain't have to ball it up and

throw it in the trash. You know what?

That's disrespectful.

Your mama should have raised you better.

>> I wasn't even really trying.

>> Wait a minute. I forgot why I came in

here. That's odd.

What are you doing on the computer? I'm

looking up art. I swore I came in here

for something.

>> Yeah. Throw this away.

>> Hey, man. That was good.

>> Yes. But you didn't draw this.

>> Yes, I did.

>> I don't think you did.

>> Uh, yeah. Then who drew it?

>> I did. You got this off my website.

Now, I bet you can sit down and draw

something even better than this. Let's

try.

>> Um, I don't feel like it.

>> Well, then just do it real quick like

before.

>> Oh, I get it. Is that how you get your

kicks? You get little kids to draw stuff

when they ain't even really trying that

hard just so you can laugh. You sick.

finished.

>> No, man. Damn. Stop sweating me. I mean,

can I draw? Can I put the damn lines on

the pages, please? Please.

>> You sure can. I'm sorry for

interrupting.

I think it's time to move to a bigger

canvas.

Yeah.

>> So, you mean you really going to go out

with me while I tag the house?

>> I sometimes like to paint murals. I

think they're fun.

>> Wow, you pretty cool.

>> So, do you know what you want to paint?

The difference between good artists and

great artists is not how well they

paint, but what they choose to paint. I

want to paint Scarface shooting like 15

Colombian drug lords with [ __ ]

>> That sounds really violent. I don't like

violent things. You should take people

by surprise and do something they

wouldn't expect you to do.

Hey, Riley. It's great to see you. We'll

be painting a mural tonight, so we got

to make sure we have all our equipment.

Okay, I see paints, flashlights,

ooh, and a pair of fast running shoes

for getting away from the police. We're

all set. Let's get started.

I'm a little nauseous, man. But no

serious problems yet.

>> Finish.

>> Oh, no. Riley, you can't sign it. If

anyone finds out what we're doing, I

won't be able to teach you art anymore.

And that would make me real sad.

>> But how people going to know I did it?

An artist who has done his job well

doesn't need to sign his name.

Huh?

Someone sprayed graffiti on another

house.

>> It touches my soul. My god. I have to

know who did this. It's It's fantastic.

>> Well, I'm positive it wasn't the

hooligans who spray painted the

Robinson's house. This is far too

sophisticated. I should know. I'm an

expert.

>> Oh, yeah.

>> Oh, [screaming] if the Lord was here

right now, he would want you to take

care of yourselves and give me the money

in the basket so I could take care of

eight days in and I don't know. I feel

okay, I guess.

I'm tired.

>> Supposed to be checking my blood

[screaming] pressure, but

>> got to use this thing.

[screaming]

>> I don't trust that art tutor of yours.

He seems a little strange. I heard he

was a golf war vet. I don't know. He

might be crazy.

>> Hey, did you see that painting on the

Franklin's house?

>> Yeah.

>> What you think? Nice, right? Not that I

had anything to do with it.

>> Of course you didn't have anything to do

with it. Steen one can see you didn't

have anything to do with it.

>> I'm very excited about tonight. Riley,

have you decided on what to paint?

>> No.

>> Oh, that's okay. You'll know what to

paint when the time is right. Tonight,

let's paint a picture of someone you

love. Maybe someone who's not with us

anymore.

Oh, you mean like a fallen soldier?

>> That's exactly what I mean.

Now, the great artist shows the viewer

something beautiful about himself that

he's never seen before. Or maybe

something he'd forgotten.

>> If I keep practicing, do you think I

could sell my art and make like millions

of dollars?

>> Maybe. But you'll never possess anything

of greater value than the art you sold.

Whatever, [ __ ] I want to get paid.

Are you sure I can't sign this one? I

don't care if I get in trouble.

>> H I don't think it's a good idea.

>> Oh, what if I use one of my aliases?

That way, they won't know it was me, but

nobody else can claim my [ __ ]

>> Yeah. Yeah.

>> It's beautiful.

>> Yep.

>> Very gangster.

moves me deep within.

>> Is that a signature?

>> It's many signatures.

>> I can't believe it.

>> How will we ever ascertain the identity

of the true artist so that we may shower

him with praise and adoration?

>> Perhaps the bigger the signature,

>> the more they contributed.

>> No, no. I believe they're in order of

importance from top to bottom and right

to left.

>> No, no, no, no, no. Wrong, wrong.

According to guild rules, each credited

artist must have contributed [laughter]

an equal part to the total work.

>> Well, I'd pay a lot of money for a

painting like this in my house.

>> I can't believe it, man. How [ __ ] go

how [ __ ] going to just come by and

just sign their name on someone else's

[ __ ] all after the fact try to steal my

sign? Man, that's some more [ __ ]

Damn. You know, Riley, the moon steals

it shine from the sun, and no one ever

gets the two confused. Take it as a

compliment.

>> Why can't [ __ ] do them, huh? Why

[ __ ] got to do me? Why [ __ ] got to

ride me like a rodeo show? Why can't

they shine on their own [ __ ] No, man. I

ain't having it.

>> Excuse me. Excuse me. Listen everybody,

I got an announcement to make. Now, I

know this is going to come as a huge

surprise to everyone, but

I'm the artist. That's right, people. I

know. Amazing, ain't it? So young. So

young.

[laughter]

Can you see the

look?

>> Hey kid, can you get out of the way? I'm

trying to take a picture.

>> I'm serious. I painted this.

>> Stop lying, boy. Stop lying. Everybody

knows [ __ ] can't paint. Why you think

all the great artist have all been white

and called masters? Master Van Go.

Master Picasso. That that genius that

draw that comic script with the talking

penguin. That mouse the penguin raw

>> boy. Come here. Get over here now.

What's going on here? What did you do?

>> I painted this.

>> You painted this?

>> Yeah, right. And I suppose Gary Coleman

painted the Mona Lisa. [laughter]

>> Hey, you know what? I painted it, too.

>> Me, too.

>> What did I tell you about lying? Come

here. You've been looking at too much

television. Stop lying so much. Now,

that in my expert opinion is an ass.

>> You better start looking at Don't Trim.

>> It's that damn art tutor. He's doing it,

isn't he?

>> Well, why can't I painted the walls? Why

can't I be a talented artist?

>> Boy, you ain't even a talented vandal.

>> What's good y'all? You [ __ ] is making

a whole lot of noise.

>> Where you been? just, you know,

chilling, you know, just doing my little

TV watching thing, you know, doing me.

>> You know, when you taking a dookie and

it's a dump that ain't the dookie that

you want to take, but it's the dookie

that the dookie want to take. It's

working you over, not like how you want.

>> Yo, move. It's the boss. Rocking the TV,

[ __ ]

>> You the boss, but the dookie doing it

what you want. You know what I'm talking

about. You wish you had a baby wipe. For

God's sake, where's the damn baby wipes

when you need it? And then your ass just

itching all damn.

>> Don't tell grandad I left.

>> We got in grape soda.

>> [ __ ] you stupid.

>> Sensing a gruesome battle ahead over the

injured ibex.

>> Yo, and it was like just like that. The

experiment was like over and I ain't

really get sick of nothing.

>> So, you're sure you want to do this?

>> Yes, but I need help.

>> Okay, let's get started. [music]

[snorts]

>> I wish we had a few more hours.

>> I think you got your point across just

fine. Freeze.

>> Run.

>> Go. Go.

>> I believe you should buckle your safety

belt, Riley.

>> It's the police. I don't really like the

police very much.

>> Me neither.

>> Good. Then I'm going to drive really

fast so we [music] can get away from

them. if that's okay with you.

>> Yeah,

>> that's great.

>> Hold on.

[cheering]

>> Hello.

>> Again.

>> Huh? Whose house?

[cheering]

>> I think it's time we lost these [music]

guys. When my dreams come true.

>> Hold on.

>> Yeah.

[music]

to be any more than I am would be

[music] alive.

I'm so

>> Let's paint a picture of someone you

love. Maybe someone who's not with us

anymore.

Thanks, man.

>> Thank you, Riley. I had a great time

painting with you and you keep on

painting and God bless.

>> [cheering]

>> It's so beautiful.

>> Thank you, boy.

>> Well, that's it. Out of memory. You can

start cleaning it off now.

>> What? But, but what?

>> No butts. Start drawing on paper and

this wouldn't happen. Nobody told you to

paint all over my house cuz you want to

make a point. This ain't beat Street.

>> [music]

[music]

>> New Family Guy episodes Thursdays at

11:30 on Adult Swim.

>> Cox presents Excuses to Watch more Major

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>> Want to put a smile on your face every

day? Grab [music] your cell phone and

send the text message comic 24 to number

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and get the best, funniest, and most

original [music] jokes on your cell

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And starting right now, you'll be a hot

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and start each day with a belly laugh.

So, are you on this

>> very delayed flight to Miami?

[clears throat] Yeah, you

>> sadly. Yes.

>> To always looking forward.

>> Cheers.

>> Hi. That's actually my seat.

>> You're kidding. You're not kidding.

>> What do you do?

>> When the plane lands,

the ride begins.

>> Sometimes bad things happen to good

people.

Red Eye, rated PG-13. Starts Friday,

August 19th.

>> How big do you like your Reese's?

>> As big as they can get them. That's how

big I like them. It's gigantic. Wow.

>> Is it new? Looks new.

>> Look at all the peanut butter inside.

>> It makes me want to go like this.

>> New Big Cup is a Reese's lover's dream

come true.

>> Introducing Reese's Big Cup.

>> You're going to like these guys though.

They're a pretty good crew. Everybody

listen up. This is Leavonne.

>> Hey, Leavon. I'm Wenty.

>> You're on the 120 today.

>> How are you?

>> So, uh, if there's anything you need,

just ask these guys. He'll take care of

it. All right.

>> Okay.

>> Welcome aboard. Thank you.

>> You ever been around anything this fast

before?

>> Yeah. In my last job.

>> Get strength for now, strength for

later. Learn more at goharmmy.com.

>> Man, this thing is smunchy. Smunchy.

Soft. Melty. Crunchy. It's smunchy.

>> I'm thinking graffi. Crunchy. Soft.

Melty. No, it's more of a crunchy chewy

cheesy crunchy.

>> Nice.

>> I know. Knuckle me. Thanks.

>> Oh, okay. I'll just

>> Taco Bell's cheesy gordita crunch. Warm

flatbread covered in three melted

cheeses wrapped around a crunchy taco

and topped with a zesty pepper jack

sauce. It's a textural taste sensation.

To get crunchy, chewy, and cheesy. Think

outside the bun.

>> For the first time ever on DVD by

Thundercat season 1, volume 1. Enter the

realm of thunder. I'm looking forward to

it.

>> 33 action-packed episodes, 14 hours on

six discs by Thundercat season 1, volume

1, Tuesday. Available only on DVD.

>> Okay, this is getting old. Time to move

on, buddy. This has been going on for

days now. Dude, get off my Minty Cool

back.

>> Extra polar ice with the minty cool

flavor that lasts and lasts. Sorry.

>> Extra flavor and beyond.

Hey, Zora. Guess what? I'm going to be

at the talent show this year. A loser.

Ain't

>> wrong. I'm going to be a potato and sing

my amazing potato song.

>> I can't wait not to hear it.

>> What do you mean? Aren't you going to be

there?

>> Oh, I'll be there. I'll be there.

[screaming]

>> Bad. Bad. So then I get a letter that

says, "Please stop sending devild eggs

to the bishop."

>> Maybe you need to change your recipe,

dear.

>> My recipe is perfect. The bishop is a

fool.

>> I'll get it. Who is it? It is I,

Cloneborg.

>> Mother, do we know Mr. I Cloneborg?

>> Well, now let's see.

>> I have come to destroy you. Prepare to

meet your doomed thundercl.

>> Whoa, whoa, hold on there, Steelely Dan.

I am happy to report I am not thundercl.

>> He lives down the street in the big

black fortress.

>> Out the door and to the left. You can't

miss it.

>> Except for that you already did.

>> Prepare to meet your doom, thunder,

please.

>> Well, he seemed nice enough.

>> Oh, does someone have a new boyfriend?

Now, honey, all I said was,

>> "I may not have 17inch claws, but when I

grip you, you know that you've been

gripped."

>> Good morning, Mom. Good morning, D.

>> You fell.

>> Oh, now look. That clone board left a

puddle of oil on my kitchen floor.

>> Cloneborg. Did he kill anybody?

>> No, he had the wrong address, so we sent

him over to Thunderlazes.

>> Smackdown. Oh, yeah.

D, are you all right?

>> Yeah, I think I'm

>> N. Wait a minute. I'll go get my jar

>> again with the jar. What are you doing?

Building a monster.

Oh, that's right. You are. How's that uh

coming for you?

>> Very nicely, thank you.

Finally. I was dying out there. Hey,

sweet cheeks. Get me a beer, will you?

>> I have some root beer.

>> Did I say root beer? Hey, Zora G sounds

just like you.

>> Yeah, I was just noticing that.

>> And you have a beautiful man voice.

>> What the hell is going on?

>> Let me explain, kid. The name's Carmine.

That's right, Carmine. I've been living

in your throat for years. When you took

that shot to the neck just now, it shook

me loose.

>> Well, this sucks. Pass that jar over.

I'm going to swallow that lump and get

my voice back.

>> That'd be a big mistake, Jack. I can

make you rich. And I mean stupid rich.

I'm listening.

>> That new voice of yours is a gold mine.

That's right. A mindful of gold. Go on,

try it out. Why don't you sing a few

bars?

>> Why don't you bite me?

>> Let me tell you a little story. Who's

your favorite singer?

>> Notorious Fluffy G.

>> That's right, he is. But when I met him,

he was a hairball living in a fat man's

pocket.

>> Wow.

>> Then I taught him everything I know. And

today he and his multi-millions live in

the biggest mansion in mansion land.

>> And you did all this living in Zorax

throat. Let out, Gramps. I'm talking

about Mansion Land.

>> Mansion Land H.

>> Go ahead and sing something, Zorak. Of

course, you won't be as good as me, but

then who is?

>> I don't know what to sing.

>> Just sing what's in your heart, dear.

>> All right, you ask for it.

>> My heart is full of hatred and loathing

for your ugly faces and stupid stupid

clothing.

Oh, Zorak, that was beautiful.

>> If my ears could talk, they would say,

"Thank you, Zorak. You have enriched us

both."

>> I didn't think it was so great. I mean,

where is the costumes? Where were the

flash pots? Where was the dry ice spot?

>> Do I smell the stink of jealousy?

>> Zorak, [snorts] why don't you sing that

song tonight at the talent show? You'd

be certain to win first prize.

>> Don't you mean second prize, Mom?

>> Of course, dear. You're going to win.

>> The broad's right, kid. Come on. Let's

go work up a number.

>> Yeah, Zoro, you go off with your new

friend, K.

But I'll see you tonight at the talent

show. And when I say see you, I mean see

you, buddy. Because potatoes have quite

a number of eyes.

Well, I wonder who that could be.

>> It is I, Cloneborg, too. I have come to

avenge the death of

Cloneborg.

>> I can fl not again.

>> I'm a jolly spot and people call me B. I

live down in the mud with all the other

to

[applause]

that, gentlemen.

>> All right, kid. Get out there and watch

the stink out of their heads.

I want to kick your [music] ass until

your head falls off. And then I'll kick

your head and [music] kick your ass

again. [singing] Why?

I don't think it's learned [music] it

lesson. Open the door, sucker. It's Ora

here to kick your ass.

[applause]

>> You're an ugly audience and I hate you

all.

>> And the winner is Sorat.

I'm not kidding. You make me sick.

>> Say something, lady kid. Money.

>> You got to be kidding me. My potato has

won his contest every year.

This is an outrage.

>> Looks all right. He's going to cry.

>> Yeah. Why doesn't he go cry to his

mommy?

>> That's exactly what I intend to do.

Right after I tell you that we're

officially

broken up.

Well, baby, the sweet bread's in the

oven and the sun's coming up on the

cabbage farm.

>> What does that mean? H,

>> never mind. Let's go. I got your book

solid for the next 3 weeks.

>> What a night.

>> Money.

I'm rich.

Hey, I got another routine to try on

your guys. Okay,

>> Bre, this has been going on for weeks.

>> I can't take it anymore.

>> Now, father, go ahead, Bre. Sing us your

little song.

>> I for you, baby. I'm a big old beat. I'm

red, but not embarrassed. And I am good

with meat. Of course, I make you

excellent.

And I'm hard for you, baby. Ah,

>> well, you're no Zorak.

>> Oh, man. I give up,

>> honey. Maybe people just don't want

their vegetables to sing.

>> Or maybe what you're doing is just no

good.

>> You keep at it, Bradley. I know you'll

come up with something wonderful.

>> You know it, baby.

>> I thought we agreed to stop encouraging

him.

>> Mother, did you put the sign up like I

told you?

>> Oh dear, I forgot.

I am Cloneborg 167.

I have come to

>> That's nice. Down the street on the

left.

>> Like I said, I hate you jerks. [music]

What a bunch of stupid jerks.

I smack you up and stomp you down. Stomp

you [music] back to ugly. Or maybe I'll

kick your fat ass. [applause]

>> That's all you get, morons. Now go to

hell.

>> [cheering]

>> Get me up. Hey, go, go, go.

>> I just don't get it.

>> What's up your shoot?

>> I tell them how much I hate them and

they love me for it.

>> Ah, so what if you're making the poor

slobs happy?

>> I hate it, that's what. I liked it a lot

better when I was making them miserable.

>> Yeah, but the money's good, right?

>> What money? You haven't paid me yet.

>> That's cuz we're broke, honey, baby. And

I ain't cooking the books if that's what

you think.

>> What happened? We must have made a

fortune.

>> Yeah, but that was before taxes. Then

the market tanked and the ex-wife came

climbing on my pole again. But don't

worry, big daddy. We'll make more money.

>> No, we won't cuz I quit. Now give me my

voice back.

>> Sorry, Junior, but I've had a taste of

the good life, and there ain't no way

I'm going back to clown town. So long,

sucker.

>> Uh, where's my lunch?

>> Oh, look who's here. Mr. Wind's a talent

show. who deserts his best friend to be

a famous singer only to find that he's

unhappy making people happy

and not getting paid. So he quits the

music business and comes back begging

for my forgiveness which I will happily

give.

[gasps] I love you Zoro.

>> Stay away from me.

>> Okay, that's settled. Now I need to get

your voice back. Where's Carmine?

>> Damn divino. According to this, he has

used Zorax money to purchase the most

splendid mansion in Mansion land. He

said we were broke.

>> No, it says here that was a lie.

>> Come on, buddy. We're heading for

Mansion Land. It's time to put a lump in

your throat.

>> Thunder does not live here.

>> I know where he lives. I'd rather not go

down there. I don't want to die. Huh?

>> Let me get you a doubled egg.

Yeah, what can I do you for, chief?

>> Greetings. I have recently been told

that I have a beautiful man voice. I am

currently looking for someone who can

make me a successful singer on the

stage.

>> Well, you've come to the right place.

That voice of yours is money in the

bank. That's right, a bank full of

money. I certainly hope I won't have to

shave off my handsome mustache and derby

hat.

>> Are you kidding? Don't touch it. Come on

in.

>> Get him, Dor.

>> Welcome home, jackass.

>> Dorak, you got your voice back. We did

it. Boy, I'm sure happy that we're

friends again.

>> Get lost.

>> Great to have you back, buddy. My nose

is bleeding. You're nothing but a

[music] fool stepping up on me. Cuz I'm

the one and only notorious fluffy J. And

when I see your girl walking down the

street, how you get so fluffy?

>> What she says to me? [music]

>> How you get so fluffy?

>> Oh yeah.

>> How you get so fluffy?

>> How you get so fluffy?

>> Look how fluff I [music] be.

>> How you get so fluffy?

>> Straight up fluffy. See?

>> [music]

>> Harvey Birdman, attorney at law. Stories

ripped from the headlines. Law firm exec

nabbed in baby shaking shakeddown.

Popped up hippo linked to lap candy sex

ring. Professor Nightshade kicked in

nads [music] five, no, six times. Space

Ray gives fat ass woman fatter ass.

>> Oh yeah.

>> Practical joke backfires when Bunny

explodes.

>> I'll take the case.

>> Watch for headline ripping new episodes

of Harvey Birdman. Sundays at 11:45 on

Adult Swim.

>> Only about 100 guys in the world make a

living riding motocross.

>> What would you risk?

>> This isn't a game. This is your life.

>> How far would you go?

>> You better watch your back tonight.

>> I will kick your

>> for one shot. David beats Goliath.

That's the dream at the top.

>> Think you can take me on?

>> No risk, no rewards.

>> Time to go get famous.

>> Supercross. Rated PG-13. August 17th,

only in theaters.

>> ESPN fantasy football is so easy to use.

>> Yeah. And it doesn't require a major

time commitment. And we love the

camaraderie it engenders.

>> The way we're talking is so weird. This

room and our clothes. Brandy. Randy.

Candy. I don't think we exist.

>> What do you mean, Sandy?

>> I think we're just part of some guy's

fantasy. And whoever he is, he obviously

loves ESPN fantasy football. And we're

just icing on the cake.

>> There's cake.

>> ESPN fantasy football. Play for free at

ESPN.com/fantasy

football.

>> I'm Steo and snowshoes are so tough

alligators can bite your feet. No

problem.

All right,

that is a darn good shoe.

With unlimited text and pics from

Verizon Wireless, you're [music] free to

get in touch,

get informed,

and text and picture message however you

want.

So you can get invited.

With unlimited in calling, you can add

unlimited text and picture messaging for

just five bucks a month from our

enhanced service area. Only when you're

in. With Verizon Wireless, we never stop

working for you.

Jack Links Jerky. Feed your wild side.

New Family Guy episodes Thursdays at

11:30 on Adult Swim.

Please reverse your shoes above each

feet when you are talking to me. [music]

It will be better for your

understanding.

>> Okay.

Darling, what is for dinner tonight?

>> Oh, nothing.

>> I hope that's a clever name for

something.

>> You know what, hun? I just didn't feel

like cooking.

>> Well, maybe I don't feel like going to

work tomorrow.

>> You don't have a job, dear.

>> Thank god your papa got money.

>> Ah, Fish Pockets is holding their annual

salute to crabs. Let's make a night of

it, darling. Call the boys.

[laughter]

>> My head.

>> Get down here. I said,

>> "Hang a minute, Mom."

>> Well, what have you boys been up to all

weekend?

>> We've been playing head taker. I've been

playing. You've been getting a red ass

beat down.

Well, now get everybody's fish tasting

mouths into the vehicle. We are all

going to fish pockets.

>> Fish pockets.

All of the wonders of the sea will be

served up hot to me. Baked or broiled or

lightly breaded. Just a thought makes me

laded

at

the bottom.

And there I go.

>> Hold on there, Buster. Have you finished

your homework? Well, I no

>> no homework, no fish pockets.

>> Can I do it when I get back?

>> You had your chance and you blow it.

Life is not about the second chances.

It's about a little mouse and his voyage

to an exciting new land. That, my

friend, is what life is.

>> But Dad, I'm a growing boy. I need fish.

>> Rack, let me tell you a little story.

Long ago.

>> Hey, can I go to the bathroom?

>> Of course, dear.

Long ago, in the days when the buttery

lobster walked the earth,

>> he was ruled by the delicious crab.

>> Oh, don't tell that story. He'll have

nightmares.

>> No, I won't. What happened to the

buttery lobster, Dad? Huh?

>> He was strangled by his own bib.

>> Oh, God.

>> Many people suspected the delicious

crab.

>> But he was nowhere to be found.

>> True.

>> Unless that's him right behind you.

>> Look out.

Aha! I fooled you again, boy. Go change

your pants,

>> Zorek. I thought you were going to the

bathroom.

>> I did.

>> Oh dear.

>> This is probably a good time to leave.

>> Isn't there any way I could come along?

>> Of course there is, my son.

>> Really?

>> Simply do your homework yesterday and

you're all set.

>> Wait a minute. How can I do that?

>> You can't. I fool you again, boy.

Mother, we go.

Oh,

>> you go ahead, Dad. Eat on the poop deck.

Rub the magic clam. Get your picture

taken with Gary Grouper. See if I care.

Could I do?

>> What's the big deal? Fish pocket sucks.

Homework sucks. Everything sucks.

>> Hey, you should have done your homework,

too, bub. One more f and you're going

right back to grandma prison.

[groaning] You want me to

run back?

>> I ain't going back there. I [music]

can't. But you might as well get ready

for a date with grandma's feet. And I

might as well forget the crap that I was

born to eat. Cuz we didn't do our

homework for the love of P. If only we

could go back in time.

We need a freaking time machine.

>> Yeah, like the one in Mr. Thunder's

backyard.

>> What? Of

>> course he's on vacation.

>> Out of my way.

[screaming]

Taste the [ __ ]

>> And I got the key in my pocket.

>> Really? But it's my haunted pocket. When

I bought these pants, I found a note in

there. It said, "Inspected by number

47." Number 47? What about the other 46?

Were they not good enough to inspect my

pants?

>> Just give me the damn key. So, here's

what we do. We go back to Friday

>> and we make a kite out of squirrels and

fly it to the moon.

>> No, we track ourselves down.

>> Then what?

>> We make our other selves do the

homework.

>> Hey, Zora, can I ask you a question?

>> Yeah. What?

>> Where are we going to find enough

squirrels to make a kite?

>> Are you really that stupid?

>> Oh, I dare you to say that again. Only

this time say, "Breck, I love you."

>> Let's go.

Look, there we are. Check out the vest.

>> Hello, my name is Brack. Hello, my name

is Brack. I live in a house down the

street. I live in a house down the

street. I'm wearing clean underwear. You

are not. You got me.

[laughter]

>> So, who are you guys? We're you from the

future?

>> Yeah. Well, what do you want to tell you

that you have to do your homework by

Sunday night? Now, why in the hell would

I grandma prison?

[laughter]

>> I ain't going back there. You and me

both, Jack.

Hey, who does your hair? Oh, I usually

go to Paul down at Paradise City. Oh,

he's a dream.

>> What are you guys going to do while

we're doing homework? Probably play head

kicker. Count me in.

>> Hey, can we play, too? I should say so.

It's our game, isn't it? Hey, let's wash

ourselves. Oh, yeah. Then we'll be nice

and clean when we get to the future.

Yeah, buddy. Yeah, buddy. Yeah, buddy.

Yeah, buddy. Yeah, buddy. Yeah,

buddy.

And no matter how you say it, as long as

you say it, but don't play it.

[screaming]

Let's go play.

My head.

Oh no. This is a time where they talk

about going to Fish Pockets. Fish

Pockets. Let's eat. We can't. We didn't

do our homework, man. All I got to hear

is welcome to Fish Pocket, sir. I'm in

your party. I say that's me. We're not

going [screaming] brag. But I'm hungry.

Time shed.

Oh no.

Oh no.

>> Oh no.

>> Wait a minute. This ain't working.

Nobody's doing the homework.

>> I haven't eaten in 25 days. Me either.

Somebody feed me. We're never going to

get the fish pockets. I wish there was

no such thing as homework.

>> We can arrange that.

>> How?

>> We need to go back to the day homework

was invented

>> and kill it. Yeah. Kill it. Stop that

crap in its tracks. [screaming]

Oh, baby. Well, you guys aren't going.

I don't care.

The microscope.

>> The flying lawnmower.

>> Penicellin.

>> The golden shower head.

>> The combustion engine.

>> Behold

the double beer hat. Check it out.

>> Marlin, what good is that?

>> What are you talking about? It's twice

as good as the beer hat. But Marlin, I

can't see the you.

>> Get off my back.

>> Who are you?

>> Well, my name is Brack and this big

green fell here, his name is

>> I'll handle this.

>> We are the presidents of the future.

>> Oh, good day to you, Mr. Presidents.

>> Why have you come to us?

>> One of your inventions has destroyed the

future. People are suffering and

starving. Zoro, what's wrong with your

voice?

>> Shut up. They're burning it.

>> Do you need a Len?

>> No, I'm good.

>> The streets are filled with wickedness

and filth.

>> The fun is gone. It's gone. It's out of

here.

>> It's bad. Very bad.

>> Austy spumonte. Which of our inventions

has caused this misery?

>> It goes by the name

homework.

I was just about to invent that.

>> See, I told you that was a dumb idea.

But nobody listens to Marlin. He's just

an old fool with a beer hat.

>> I don't see how homework could

>> listen to them, Merlin. They're from the

damn future.

>> Well, what can we do to prevent all this

suffering?

>> You must uninvent

homework.

The presidents have spoken.

>> How about that? Meen the presidents.

>> We must destroy all the inventions. Who

knows what damage we've already done?

>> Well, what have you boys been up to

[music] all weekend?

>> Well, I'll tell you one thing we haven't

been doing, Mom. Our homework.

>> Homework?

What is this homework you speak of?

Mother, have you ever heard of such a

thing? Oh,

>> I certainly haven't. My goodness.

>> Dor, it worked.

>> What worked?

>> My stomach works, Daddy. Let's get the

Face Pockets.

>> Fisher Pocket? What are you talking

about, son?

>> I'm talking about Face Pockets. My

favorite restaurant.

>> Brack, your favorite restaurant has

always been Lord Wellington's Beef

Trappies.

>> Really? That sounds pretty good.

>> I'm glad you see it that way, son. Life

is too short to worry about eating and

making kites from animals. Better to use

your time for the schoolwork, only at

the school, of course. And maybe you'll

grow up to be someday the president of

the future.

Or you could be snatched up by a

gigantic terrible bird and torn limb

from the limb on a lonely mountaintop.

Do you understand what I'm saying, son?

>> Yeah, buddy.

>> Yeah, buddy.

>> Yeah, buddy.

Yeah.

[screaming]

Turn. Turn off.

Turn off.

[music]

That's it.

Robot,

robot,

robot,

robot.

[screaming]

>> When you struggle with credit card bills

every month, you're not just in debt.

Debt is all around you.

>> I see people every day that are on the

brink. they're going to go over the edge

and at the bottom is a bankruptcy and we

pull them back and they appreciate it.

>> You do get to consolidate your payments.

You don't have to worry about making one

payment a month instead of making three,

four or five.

>> The people who provide Care One credit

counseling services know how to

[clears throat] help you get out of debt

and get on with your life.

>> Care 1 debt management program. It is

your path out. People are truly amazed

when they call us and they see what we

can do to help them. I mean, the relief

in their voice is just this makes the

job worthwhile.

>> And so, my advice is don't struggle with

it. Look for a solution today.

>> Call us because we can do amazing

things.

>> Gather up your bills and talk to the

people who can help, to the people who

care. Call for Care One Credit

Counseling today.

>> Care One for [music] you.

You're

>> going to kill me, aren't you? Sometimes

bad things happen to good people.

>> On August 19th,

>> not today.

>> When the plane lands, the ride begins.

Red eyee.

>> There is a man trying to kill me.

>> Rated PG-13. Starts Friday, August 19th.

>> In the US Navy, you'll get hands-on

training with the most sophisticated

equipment in the world. [groaning]

Because rocket science is more fun when

you actually have rockets.

Navy. Accelerate your life.

Trident Strawberry Fusion flavor has two

great tastes all in one pack.

One sweet, one sour.

Trident, I'm out's best friend.

Everybody who's a senior, stand up

and

>> look at the name on the jersey and think

about the teams of the past that have

worn that name.

>> Hey cheeseburger, pick it up.

>> Very nice. Finish at the end. Very nice.

[screaming]

Punch up. Two more. Punch up. Two more.

What time is it?

>> What time is it?

>> Your finest moment is on the other side

of that door. Are you ready to knock it

down?

>> Every day.

>> Every day.

>> In every way.

>> Every

[cheering]

[screaming]

on three. Bros on three. 1 2 3.

Alter your face the easy way. Pucker up

your Sonic slush. A whole new sour

sensation from Sonic.

>> For the first time ever on DVD by

Thundercat season 1 volume 1. Enter the

realm of thunder.

>> I'm looking forward to it. 33

action-packed episodes, 14 hours on six

discs by Thundercat season 1 volume 1,

Tuesday. Available only on DVD.

[music]

>> [music]

>> One, two, three, 4.

[music]

[music]

Heat. Heat.

[music]

>> [music]

[music]

>> Oh, this could be a bad day. A very bad

day.

Oh, shut up. How can I read the

newspaper with that deafening racket

blaring out of your mouth? It sounds

like a gorilla eating a log cabin.

>> Jeez, calm down. Why do you have to get

so worked up every time some

insignificant event happens in the news?

>> Because that's the way I am. Can't you

just accept the fact that we're

different? Like mom always said, it

takes all kinds of fruits to make Fruit

Cup. We could all learn a lot from Fruit

Cup.

>> What a beautiful

>> Yes. Fine. Now, please, I have important

news to digest.

>> Oh no. Oh god.

>> Oh no. Oh god.

>> Oh. Oh.

>> Mommy, stop babying me.

>> Oh yes. I'm sorry, my sweet baby. Oh,

now hurry or you'll miss the school bus.

>> I'm sick of taking the bus. When can I

walk to school like everyone else my

age?

>> Oh, Angel Baby. Oh. Oh, honey pumpkin.

No, no, no. It's just not safe for a

young boy to walk to school. Not with

all the strange people that live in this

neighborhood.

>> The journey to enlightenment will not be

easy. We must summon our inner being and

look to it for strength and [music]

guidance.

>> Oh, wow. Don't I know you? Um, weren't

we in the fifth grade together? No,

Posie. I am your inner being. So, in a

way, yes. But who cares? I'm here to

guide you on your path to enlightenment.

The way is fraught with traps and

dangers. Together, we must cross the

chasm of selfishness and defeat the ogre

of personal resentment.

>> Oh, wow. And what does he represent? Oh,

that's just Frankenstein. Nobody really

knows what he's doing up here.

Come on, let's get going.

>> I'm sick of mommy bossing me around. I

can walk to school if I want to.

Hop to walk, walk, hop to walk, walk. I

walk to school. No bus for me. This is

so fun. What could go wrong? Hello, Mr.

Dog.

Oh god, what do I do? Run away. No, they

can smell fear. Just ignore him and

he'll ignore you.

>> Mommy,

>> as you ascend, gaze down at the tiny

earth.

>> Feel how trivial the cares of the world

are. How unimportant.

>> We interrupt this trivial program to

bring you important world news.

>> This was an Action Cast 12 special

report. We now take you live to

Keep it tuned to 99 rocks for live

coverage of tonight's Grammy Awards

featuring special appearances by

Jennifer Love Hewitt, Courtney Thornne

Smith, Tiffany Amber Thes, Melissa Joan

Hart, Becca Michelle Butterfield, and

Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

>> Becca Michelle Butterfield was pretty

hot. And I still have some issues with

what you did last summer.

>> Nah, don't go for that crap.

>> Hey, let me out here. I have to get some

coffee before work.

I know. I can't do anything.

>> I'm sick of all this bad news. When is

something good going to happen?

>> I'm sorry.

>> I'm Andy.

>> And a diplomatic solution would be

totally dope. But so far, efforts have

pretty much tanked. Hey, it's a real

bummer when people can't get along. Just

like some people can't get along without

the crispy, crunchy, chocolatey goodness

in every KitKat bar. for Hershey. I'm

Panzer, your student network EJ, and

this has been a special report.

>> Go ahead and laugh. When I was your age,

I thought the Tonkin golf incident was a

real hoot, too. Bullet in the shoulder

wiped that smile off my face real fast.

>> I'm concerned, Mr. Zanski.

>> Yeah, you would be.

[sighs]

And then he says, "It sounds like a

gorilla eating a log cabin."

>> [laughter]

>> Oh my god, your brother sounds so

totally lame. You know who else says

stuff like that all the time?

>> David Schwimmer.

>> Oh man, look at you. You look just like

that girl that got milk ads. You know,

Becca Michelle Bubbity Bup. She's

wearing this lab coat with nothing

underneath and these glasses like she's

some sort of genius. And

>> oh my god, did you think I was cute in

that one? Did I think you were

>> Oh, man. I You're her, aren't you?

>> I'm totally her.

>> Oh, wow. I I had no idea. I I I am so

sorry. If I'd have known, I never would

have talked to you. Sorry.

>> Don't be silly. I hate when people think

they can't even talk to me just because

I'm famous. It's okay, Rolo. He's cool.

>> You know, if you're not doing anything

tonight, maybe you'd like to come to the

Grammys with me.

>> What you mean? Like you could sneak me

into the balcony or or

>> No, silly. As my date.

>> Baby, this is going to be the best day

of my life.

[music]

>> [music]

>> Hey everybody, what's going on?

>> They're just about to raid the compound

in Oregon. Oh, and they had this amazing

footage of the airlift.

>> What airlift

>> from the ship? You know, Dennis Rodman,

>> do try to stay at least two steps

behind, eh?

>> And this is Becca Michelle Butterfield's

lipstick.

>> Lucky duck.

>> Man, I got a ton of stuff to do before

my date. Get her haircut, rent a tux. I

guess I should watch one of her movies,

too. Which one should I rent?

>> I recommend it's just like last summer,

what with the killing and all. Hey, why

don't you just split now and take the

whole day off?

>> Won't somebody notice?

>> Nah, everyone's just going to watch news

all day. Work's pretty much cancelled.

>> But I still get paid.

>> Yep.

>> God bless America. L

>> I'm sure many of you have already

overheard the honor students talking

about the crisis our nation currently

faces. Any student who feels that she or

he needs to be with loved ones may be

excused for the day. Now I'll answer any

questions you might

>> what?

Andy, help. This dog has rabies and he

won't stop following me.

>> Uh stay over there then.

>> Okay, what else do I do?

>> Just keep walking. Yeah, that's good.

And and don't stop or start running.

That'll make him crazier. Okay, just

keep on walking.

>> Andy, should I just keep circling the

block until you come back?

>> Andy,

>> watch day one.

>> What are you doing home? Did they spray

your school for nerds?

>> Please. This is no time for personal

attacks. Our very way of life is at

stake.

>> News flash, Spazmire. This is no great

shakes. It's just another media snow

day. We grown-ups have them periodically

so we can blow off work. Right,

>> Posie?W.

>> Unlike some people, Posie is taking this

matter seriously.

>> Good job, Posie. You destroyed the she

wolf of jealousy. Now we must summon our

deepest core of goodness to help us

travel to the sacred city of light

within. Summoning.

summoning.

What the hell will take my Miata?

>> We now go live.

>> Anyway, you'll never guess who I have a

date with.

>> Steven Spielberg is preparing to address

the nation.

>> Steven Spiel isn't even a politician.

>> It's politicians who got us into this

mess. Andy,

>> great ride at Universal Studios. But

seriously, [music]

and even though the crisis is taking

place hundreds of miles away,

big-hearted are with donations of warm

blankets and canned goods. And as

correspondent,

[bell]

>> please [music] pay attention. This

thing's got to fit right.

>> Except in the crotch. You can make it a

little tight in the crotch.

>> Never mind. Never mind.

And join us tonight for a special date

line examining the roots of the crisis

and also hidden poisons lurking in your

refrigerator.

>> Well, these will have to do.

>> And I think we're all, you know, seeking

a peaceful resolution.

>> Hello. Hey, it's Andy. I need you to do

me a favor.

>> You're interrupting Dennis Rodman.

Goodbye.

>> Crap. No, don't hang up. I'm running

late and the tuxedo place closes at 5.

>> Several dramatic new developments.

>> I'd rather not, frankly. I might miss

important crisis coverage.

>> Who gives a

>> Please, buddy. Don't you want me, your

loving freaking brother, to have the

best night of his life?

>> Confirmed at this.

>> Fine. Give me the address.

>> Kevin, help. Oh,

>> hello.

>> Mommy, listen. There's a dog following

me. It's Toby. [laughter] Auntie,

>> well, I can't understand.

>> Mommy, no. Listen. No. Let me talk.

Mommy, I don't have I don't

>> talk. Toby. Toby.

Toby.

>> Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis.

Penis.

>> Money for liquor, which of course has

become a familiar phrase during this

crisis. Coming up at 5.

>> Bzac. I better get Andy's tux. Uh,

Posie. If I'm not back by 5:30, take

Alec Baldwin's speech to the UN. Huh?

>> Kevin. Hey.

>> Oh, hi Natalie. Uh, what brings you out

this fine evening?

>> Oh, just handcuffing ourselves to this

fence to protest the crisis.

>> You know, with all the hunger and

illiteracy in this country, should we

really be wasting money on compound

raids and celebrity airlifts?

>> Ooh, did you see that footage? Ooh,

wasn't it marvelous? Those Blackhawk

helicopters are incredible. I know. Any

infrared shots from those Sidewinder

missiles?

>> Boom.

[screaming]

>> Kevin, you got my tux.

>> Kevin, go. Wherefore art thou?

>> Decrying military action and media bias.

These crackpots certainly won't have

much of an impact.

>> Damn that kid and his douchebaggery. of

just how deeply this is. They're not

that far away.

>> Posie, if Becca Michelle whatever calls,

tell her I'll be back here in 10

minutes. Okay.

>> I'm going to take you to this great

sushi place in the Enlightenment

District. You'll love it.

Of course, first you'll have to overcome

the serpent of worldly attachments.

I told you about that, right?

>> Did you notice that Wolf Blitzer has put

on like 10 lbs since the last crisis?

>> Oh, I know. And did you see Christian

Almond Por's new jacket with like a 100

pockets?

>> There you are, you little creep. Thanks

to you, I'm going to be late for the

Grammys.

>> I was doing you a favor. There's no need

to be abusive.

>> Left hand, please. Sure.

>> Abusive? You don't know what abusive is

yet. I'm going to miss my date. Just

look at the time.

Don't worry, I'll have him unlock you.

[music]

[screaming]

>> This was supposed to be the best night

of my life. Hey, you two knock it off.

Andy, look at this.

>> How's about a little distraction so we

can make our getaway?

>> What do we want?

>> When do we want it?

>> Hey, these leftwing beastnicks don't

know the first thing about Finan.

[clears throat]

>> I'll never make it to the Grammys like

this.

We got to get these freaking cuffs off.

>> No need for pseudo profanity. I think I

see a solution right up ahead.

>> Crap. There's only one match left.

>> Have you been smoking?

Yes.

Uh-oh.

Huh?

Huh?

You wait right here. I'll go get help.

Bye.

>> And then I'm going to make dog burgers

and dog dumplings. And Andy, No, I can't

keep going.

>> Don't stop. You'll excite the dog.

>> It's no use. Besides, I think he's

pretty tired, too.

>> [music]

>> Run. [screaming]

Quick. Get behind me. Tubs.

>> I left him right here. Why would he

wander away? Well, if he's not here, he

could be anywhere

except here.

>> You keep looking for Andy. I'll head

over to the Grammys and tell his date to

wait for him. If you find him, bring him

there.

>> Claim it was a military target rather

than a petting zoo. But

>> and I don't need to own a [music] beach

house to be happy either.

Good job. You've rid yourself of

devotion to worldly possessions.

Oh, great.

Are you going to rid yourself of the

Miata? H I don't have to. It's It's

least.

[music]

>> Hey, how you doing?

>> Hello. I'm here to see Miss Becca

Michelle Butterfield.

>> No, no, no. I'm serious. Look, I even

have a tuxedo.

>> Hello. I'm here to get married to Miss

Cheryl Crowe.

Ow. Hey,

>> my name is on the list. Andy French.

>> He's on the list. Sorry about the rough

stuff, but we got to keep the psychos

out.

Live from the Cosmopolis Metroplex, it's

the 43rd annual Grammy Awards.

>> Now, here are your hosts, the Backstreet

Boys.

>> Excellent. They're I mean,

>> and he's handcuffed to a what? Where did

you say Andy was? I don't know. But he

didn't stand you up. He really, really

likes you. Oh, this is all my fault.

See, we were fighting all day when we

should have been making Fruit Cup. And

>> what? Oh, it's just a saying my mom used

to have. You know, she used to make

>> to present the award for best pop song

by the offspring of a rock legend, Becca

Michelle Butterfield.

>> You're on, Becca. [cheering]

Before I present this award, I'd like to

talk about what we're all feeling

tonight. I know the world is concerned

about more important things than these

dumb, silly ass backwards awards.

>> Hey, man.

>> So, I'd like to say to our leaders and

the others whose squabbbling started

this crisis, some profound words spoken

by a very wise mother of two. It takes

all kinds of fruits to make fruit cup.

This can't be happening. Kevin,

>> shut up. Trying to watch your freaking

Grammies here.

>> That little He steals my date and gets

on TV. I can't take anymore.

Andy, you did it. You did it. Yay. I

can't believe it. Yeah, you're the best.

I Hey, what happened to your hair?

Becca, I just got off the phone with the

president and you know, I think your

remark really hit home.

>> Thanks. But most of the credit belongs

to my friend here.

>> Wow, David Schwimmer. I'm a huge fan.

>> Oh, thank you. Yes.

>> Hey y'all, look at here. The

geopolitical tides are returning.

>> Expect a peaceful settlement by

midnight. Sources credit actress Becca

Michelle Butterfield and her call for

sanity at tonight's Grammy Awards for

kickstarting the negotiations.

[applause]

>> A courageous actress and her impassioned

remarks heal an embattled nation.

>> Yeah, the reward the president promised

Dennis his very own White House intern.

>> Number six, not in my fruit cup. You

know,

>> now that things are back to normal,

here's freaks with the weather.

>> Get out those umbrellas cuz

thunderstorms are expected tonight.

You've reached the final level. Are you

ready for enlightenment? Oh, yes. I

Oh, what's that? What is that noise?

Concentrate,

it cannot be revealed unless

I can't. It's so loud. Oh, for Pete's

sake here.

>> Oh, hi, Auntie.

>> Sorry, Posie. I wake you up.

>> Oh, no, not at all. Are you okay? Why

are you chained to a fence? And what

happened to your hair?

>> I'll tell you in the morning. I'm going

to go take a bath.

>> Hey, how are the Grammys?

>> Oh, they were okay. I met Patrick

Stewart and Gordon Lightfoot. I think it

was great. Oh. Um, Becca asked me to

give this to you. Andy, I had one of the

most exciting nights of my life, and I

owe it all to you. So, uh, thanks. I'm

proud to be in this crazy fruit cup with

you.

>> Uh, yeah, sure, Kev. No problem.

>> Andy, I found this backstage and thought

you'd get a kick out of it. for lifetime

achievement in the recording industry.

Quincy Jones.

>> Well, I'm off to another awards

ceremony. This time to get a prize

myself. You don't have any plans to be

in Stockholm next week. Do you? Peace,

Becca.

[music]

Freaking Michelle Butterfield.

[applause]

Uh, I'd like to thank everyone who made

this possible, especially Steve, Tommy,

my agents at ICM, Justin at Brentwood

Fitness. You're the best. And I couldn't

have done it without Andy and Kevin's

mom. Oh, and to Shimone Perez, you

deserved it, but better luck next year.

I love you, Stockholm.

A Bill Oakley Josh Weinstein production.

>> [music]

[music]

>> At a time that time forgot when tomorrow

promised to be forever. For Futurama,

forever never came. Trapped in the

nightmare now of a distant past by mad

mutants and Amazon sex masters.

>> We need rest. The spirit is willing, but

the flesh is spongy and bruised.

>> Prepare for the unpreparable.

>> Baby, it'll blow your mind.

>> Futurama, King of Tomorrow, Saturday at

11 on Adult Swim.

>> Oh god, you're killing me. Oh god,

you're killing me.

>> Many roads lead to Terabone Parish,

Louisiana.

>> Hello. I need to pay for some gas.

>> But once you are there,

>> not bad. I'll be taking care of you for

a while. [screaming]

>> There's no way out.

>> Good night, child.

>> Let me out of here.

>> You can't get away for a while.

>> The skeleton key, rated PG-13, starts

Friday.

>> They will see us waving from such great

heights.

Come down now.

>> [music]

>> pump. Custom fit technology. Turn it on,

turn it off.

>> Why am I in the Army Reserve?

>> It's not just for the experience

or the training I can use as a soldier

and as a civilian.

It's for them,

for my country,

and it's all worth fighting for.

>> Visit go [music] armyreserve.com.

>> What you want me to come over tonight?

That's cool. [screaming]

>> Positive mobile says you ought to prepay

minutes. Yo,

>> I just bought minutes.

>> Fees, shorty fees.

>> 25 cents to connect.

>> Extra dollar a day extra.

>> Boom. You guys are clowns.

Getting burned by your prepaid company?

>> I'm out of here.

>> No hidden fees.

>> Introducing T-Mobile to Go. Get [music]

more prepaid minutes without hidden fees

or contracts.

>> Sweet.

>> T-Mobile to Go. Straight up prepaid.

>> [music]

[music]

>> Ladies and gentlemen, what you are here

to answer the question that frankly is

never far from my own mind is

get you. Get that thing.

Did you get that thing?

That time

I sent you.

Heat.

[music]

Hey. Hey. Hey.