Original subtitles

- Well, I've spent the entire weekend

watching a tape of my a&e biography

and I've realized a number of things.

- How many don't involve your looks or your weight?

- Four.

- Or your hair.

- One.

- Make it quick.

- Everything bad that's happened in my life

has had a direct connection to men.

- Huh, go on.

- Well, I've spent all my energy

pleasing husbands and boyfriends

and having them please me,

if you catch my drift.

- Yeah.

- I mean, who knows what I might have become

if I hadn't always been side tracked.

I could've been the president or a scientist

or at least mastered multiplication

and goes into.

- I have a radical suggestion.

Abstain from sex for awhile.

- Well, thanks for listening.

- Seriously, seriously,

just think about giving up sex.

- You know, my therapist once suggested the same thing,

but I thought that was just his way of breaking up with me.

- Now, a few years back

I was going though this confusing time

and I decided to give up sex for awhile.

I mean, not to get all new agey, but you know,

suddenly I found all this clarity.

My life really came into focus.

- Clarity, focus.

You know what?

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna be celibate.

- Hey, don't let that discourage you, alright.

That's only one person's opinion.

Nina?

- Here's your problem.

Port connection isn't hooked up to your panties,

your printer.

- So, what is the big crisis?

- The writer we hired to pose

as a high school student just called in sick.

- What?

We set aside 10 pages for this.

- You know, as a backup...

- We're not doing the Sandra day o'Connor piece.

- But I've got some hot new stuff.

Do you know what the other justices call her?

Sandy.

- Maya, no.

All we have to do is find someone who can pass

for a high school kid.

- Yeah, but where?

- You said but where.

No way.

- Dennis, it's just one day.

Stanley can fill in for you.

- It's Kevin.

- You don't look like a Kevin.

- I know, I don't feel like a Kevin.

- Look, I'm not wasting my time

hanging out with a bunch of children.

- Come on, Dennis, it'll be fun.

You'll be undercover.

- Yeah, it'll be easy.

You just have to hang out with the kids,

find out what they think.

I'll do all the writing.

- Forget it.

I hated high school the first time around.

I was too fragile to play sports,

never had a date, never went to the prom.

- You must've had friends.

- Just a bunch of guys that called me Denise

and took my pants.

- Dennis, I strongly suggest you reconsider.

- Jack, you really think you can bully me

into going back to high school by taking my juice?

- Whoops.

Hey new guy.

- Dammit.

- Kevin, is the radio on in here?

- No.

- I thought I heard singing.

- I didn't hear anything.

Just organizing.

- You didn't hear that?

- What?

- Nothing.

Well, okay, see you later.

- Okay.

- It is you.

- It won't happen again.

- No, no, it was so beautiful.

- I have to go.

- So sweet.

Such sweets sounds from such an odd bird.

- Nina!

- Miguel, what are you doing in town?

- I have a two day layover.

Layover.

- My goodness.

- Can we go back to my hotel for a drink?

I'm in the mood for Nina-colada.

- If anyone needs me I'll be in ecstasy.

- Nina, Nina, can I talk to you?

- Can you hold on for just one moment?

- I am in an erotic holding pattern.

- What about our conversation?

You know, focus, clarity, no sex.

- But the only thing Miguel and I have in common

is sex.

- Nina, this is the perfect test,

a chance to prove you can take control of your life.

I'll be right here if you need me.

- Miguel, I'm sorry,

but I'm afraid I can't go back to your hotel.

I've decided to become celibate.

- Congratulations.

I look forward to making love to the new you.

- No, no, no, I'm serious.

- She plays hard to get, no?

Well, when I come back,

I will turn up the heat from uno to ocho.

- What airline do you work for?

- So, we have a little initiation ritual here

to welcome all of our new students.

- Right.

- So we'll be needing your pants.

- Oh, here we go.

- Hey guys.

Hi, krissy.

- Hey, krissy.

- Mark, what are you doing?

- I'm getting new guys pants.

- How many pairs of tiny pants do you need?

Heads up, it's Mr. Peters.

- What's this little congregation?

Mark, aren't you supposed to be

in my English class right now?

And you, no drinking in the hallway.

- Hey, that's mine.

- Well, now it's mine.

- Well, now it's mine.

- What's you name, young man?

- D Finch.

- And the d stands for?

- D-cup, 'cause that's the way I like my ladies.

- Well as of today, d stands for detention.

- Are you sure d doesn't stand for dance.

- Oh very clever.

That'll look very nice on your permanent record.

- Oh no, not my permanent record.

Then I can't be an English teacher

and wear a powerful high energy sweater vest.

- Hey, watch it.

- Let me guess, you took the teaching gig

so you'd have time to write a serious novel.

- That's enough.

- Now 15 years later, it's still not finished

and you won't show it to your wife

because it's not any good.

- It's a work in progress.

- You smoked him, man.

- Dude touched my juice.

- I'm telling you, he has an incredible singing voice.

- Kevin, the mail guy?

- He creeps me out.

Have you noticed how he walks?

His arms don't move.

- Believe me, no one is more uncomfortable

around Kevin than I am,

but you gotta hear him sing.

Kevin!

Wait'll you hear him.

- Yeah?

- Kevin, I was just telling them

what a beautiful voice you have.

- What do you mean?

- The way you were singing earlier.

- I don't sing.

- Of course you do.

Now come on, sing something.

- I'm afraid you're mistaken.

- Well done, dad.

I almost believed you.

- I'm telling you,

he has the voice of an angel.

- Uh huh and a basement full of hitchhikers.

- Don't ever do that again!

- But I thought you... - Ever!

So you have some messages.

- So why did you get kicked out of your old school?

- Well, I borrowed the principal's car

for a little trip to Vegas.

With his wife.

- Cool.

- Hey, d-cup, we're gonna go tell the guys

what you said to Mr. Kowalski in gym class.

- Yeah, d, say it again.

- All right,

you climb the rope.

- Awesome, simply awesome.

- Well, I gotta hand it to you, d,

everyone's talking about you.

- Well, that's the way it is.

- I think you're full of it.

- What do you mean?

- Pretending you don't care about school

or teachers or your permanent record.

I'm not buying into your act.

- Really?

Maybe I'm not buying into yours.

- I don't have an act.

- Oh, I think you do,

in your costume, playing the part of little miss popular,

but secretly you're terrified

if you let your guard down no one will like the real you.

- You know, your little mind games

may work on Mr. Peters, but not me.

I don't have any secrets.

I'm not hiding anything.

- Good for you.

By the way, nice nose job.

- Shut up d bag.

- Ocho.

- Oh my god.

- Is this not the office of Nina Van horn?

- Uh, no.

- Could you send her in?

- Sure, yes.

Nina,

your boyfriend is sitting behind my desk,

naked, smoking a cigar.

- That is so romantic.

- Nina, it's not romantic.

It's not even hygienic.

- Not to mention,

this is supposed to be a smoke free environment.

- Elliot, what am I gonna do?

- Let's go get a cup of coffee.

- You're right,

remove myself from temptation.

Good idea.

I'll just get Miguel's order.

- Hey, there you are.

How'd it go?

- Unbelievable.

I was a god.

It was like a dream come true.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, what about your research?

- My what?

- For the article, your notes.

- Oh yeah, tons of them, lots of stuff happening.

I'll type it up tomorrow.

- Oh, give me a taste.

What do today's high school boys think about girls?

- Ah, they like them.

- That's it?

- Especially the complex brainy ones

that work on the school paper.

- I knew it.

Because we're inquisitive and literate

and that's sexy.

- D?

- Krissy, what are you doing here?

- You know I followed you.

- I do?

- Come on, you tried to ditch me

by going in that creepy porn shop.

- Oh yeah, right.

- So, what are you doing here?

- After school job.

It's kinda lame, but they give me time off

to tour with my band.

Why'd you follow me?

- Because no one ever talked to me like you did.

- Yeah, listen, I didn't mean to get all road rules on you.

- No, no, no, no, no.

It was more than road rules,

I mean, it was the real world Hawaii.

And that's exactly the medicine I needed, d.

- Sometimes, d is for doctor.

- You are so finchy.

- Finchy?

- Yeah, it's a new word at school.

- Really?

Well, you're pretty finchified yourself.

- That is so sweet.

Okay, here goes.

D-cup,

will you go with me to the prom?

- The prom?

- I know, I know, it'll probably be really lame

and everyone will be fawning all over you

and be voted king and queen, but.

Are you crying?

- No.

- Hey, you look fancy.

Where're you going?

- To the prom.

- Finch, that's so great.

I so appreciate you going the extra mile

for this article.

- No problem.

- What's that?

- Corsage for my date.

- You're taking a girl?

- Oh, not just any girl, the head cheerleader

and she asked me.

- Finch, you can't do this, it's wrong.

- Wrong, how in your twisted mind is this wrong?

- You're a 33 year old man going on a date

with a high school cheerleader.

- Head cheerleader, top of the pyramid.

- Oh, bitchin'.

- First of all, no one says bitchin' anymore.

Secondly, it is bitchin'.

I get to go back to high school again

and this time I'm doing it right.

- This is so sad.

- Sad, you know what's sad?

Soon all my new friends will be going off to college.

- Nina.

- Miguel.

- I must leave this afternoon.

This is our last chance to couple as god has intended.

- Oh dear.

- Listen, pal.

- Oh now that's just sexy.

- Nina, I cannot take off until we've made love.

It's part of my preflight check list.

- Be strong.

- Your husband's starting to annoy me.

Let me just kiss your neck.

If you feel nothing, I will go.

Yes?

- No.

- Yes, it's all right.

I'm clear, I'm focused and I am in control.

Nothing.

- Very well.

I will pick up a chick at the duty free shop.

I will have sex and tax free cigarettes to boot.

- I'm very proud of you.

You've made great progress.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

- I can't.

- Why not?

- Because if I move I'll have an orgasm.

- Mr. Gallo?

- I have mace in here.

- I just wanted to apologize for yelling at you yesterday.

- Apology accepted.

Kevin, wait.

I have to ask, you have the most beautiful voice

I've ever heard, why don't you let others enjoy it?

- I did once, but I got hurt.

- Was it a girl?

- Yeah, from back home.

- Where's home?

- Jupiter.

Jupiter, Florida.

- Oh, of course, grapefruit country.

You don't want to sing for others,

that's your business, but I just want you to know

how moved I was by your voice.

It reminded me of the last time my father took me

to carnegie hall.

I was 12 and there was a tenor there

with a voice as beautiful as yours.

I guess the memories just came flooding back.

Anyway, goodnight, Kevin.

♪ Oh Danny boy

♪ the pipes the pipes are calling

♪ from Glen to Glen

♪ and down the mountainside

- Oh my god, look at the decorations.

Look at the lights.

It's like something out of cinderella.

- Seriously, how lame is this?

- Oh yeah, that's totally lame, very unfinchy.

Would you like to dance?

Right here, in front of everyone.

- D, you make me feel like a Princess.

- Ditto times two.

- So later on, some of the gang

are gonna grab some champagne

and head up to the lake.

- The lake?

Oh, there's a lake.

There's always a lake.

The lake is perfect.

- Cool, 'cause that's where I'm gonna tell you

I love you.

- What, wait, you love me?

- Shh, not 'til the lake.

- Listen, krissy, I understand you're hot for me.

I'm totally rockin', but you don't love me.

I mean, that's just the lights and the music

and the after shower body spray.

- No, it's not.

It's me cutting through the bull

and getting to what's real.

You taught me that.

- You've only known me for one day.

- Look, I know it may seem crazy,

but I know how I feel.

I have totally fallen in love with you

and nothing you can say can change that.

- Oh krissy.

I'm 33 years old.

I know that might be cool to your gang.

- Ew!

- Let me explain.

- Ew!

- No, i'm... - Ew, ew, ew, ew!

D-cup is 33.

The old guy totally wanted to perv on me at the lake.

- No, no she's kidding.

It's a big joke.

Dude, it's d-cup talking, it's finchified, man.

I'm keeping it real with the finchiness.

Nina, what are you doing here?

Just thinking.

Ha ha, good one.

- Hey, why the tux?

- I was at the prom.

- Yeah, good one.

Well, I've had a great day.

Seized control of my life.

I looked into the navel of the beast

and I said no, gracias.

- I had a chance to definch a cheerleader,

possibly in a paddle boat.

And I, too, said no, gracias.

- Mine was Spanish.

- Ah, mine took Spanish.

I guess you can't be a kid again.

- Oh god, remember back when

just holding hands meant everything.

- Or sitting close.

- Or a longing look.

- Or having your knees touch.

♪ Life keeps bringing me back to you

♪ keeps bringing me home

♪ it don't matter what I wanna do

♪ 'cause it's got a mind of its own

♪ life keeps bringing me back to you