Original subtitles

[Music]

Jesse does the expression threes a crowd

mean anything to you I don't like

Michael you don't steal that kind of

money you marry it to the moon

pal Michael I'm your wife till death do

Michael hey you dropped this bachelor

number three Jesse come on over and meet

your D Jane I love

[Music]

oysters Jesse does the expression free a

crowd mean anything to you I don't like

Michael you don't steal that kind of

pal Michael I'm your wife till death do

his part James

[Music]

Michael the penalty for Rebellion

against the council is termination but

because of your heroic Services as a

warrior you are exiled to the Primitive

planet Earth be to dwell in human form

until you learn to restrain your

hostility this control unit will monitor

hostility not

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

and now back to the all new dating

game okay Jim you've asked the questions

You' got the answers uh who's it going

to be is it going to be Bachelor number

one or Bachelor number two or Bachelor

number three Bachelor number three

Bachelor number three oh okay uh why him

oh he seems the most sincere yeah don't

they all on TV anyhow let's meet the two

guys you didn't choose then uh Bachelor

number one is uh Thomas Brent he's an

investment banker from Marina del re

Thomas come on over here and say hi to

Jane if you would

please okay now remember you didn't pick

him Jane and Bachelor number two is

Steve Henderson he's an airline pilot

from Beverly Hills Steve fly on over

here and say hi to Jame

okay put those eyeballs back in your

head Jane you didn't pick these guys

thank you very much gentlemen for

playing our game we have a year supply

of uh something right through those

doors make your life a better place to

be so Jane you ready for this yes I am

all right well Jane let's meet the guy

you did choose then now Bachelor number

three is um Jesse apparently has no last

name because there isn't one on the Q

card but Jesse come on over meet your

date Jane and uh this would probably go

a lot better if he actually came up here

and so just wait

Jesse okay this is going to get off this

is happening before honestly no Jesse

now first day out of that mainstreaming

program huh anyhow Jane this is Jesse

Jesse this is this is Jane now we don't

know much about uh we don't know much

about

Jesse Jesse's our Delivery Man from

Sandwich Master right here in Burbank

and let me be the first to congratulate

you Jane because the guy delivers one

heck of a tuna fish sub so uh oh I've

seen this part before uh we wave goodbye

and then Jeopardy comes

on

why well right you are Jess uh anyhow uh

Jane I think you're in for one

interesting date uh a date that begins

as a matter of fact with a chauffeur

driven limousine ride to take you out

for your free evening on the

oh Mozart my favorite oh Mozart my

favorite you see we already have

something in

[Music]

so why did you decide to go on the show

I was bringing in sandwiches and they

needed a bachelor number three so I

agreed because television is very

important to me really well do you want

to write or

direct no I like to

watch well I guess I went on because I'm

really sick of the singles bar scene and

I've had my fill of blind dates oh then

you chose me because of my

vision

yeah I guess that's right I mean I could

tell by your answers that you see things

the way they really are like when I

asked you the question about fooling

around on the first date and you said

uh you know what you said I said fooling

around as for children

exactly so I knew you didn't play games

games oh I like to play

but well you're so down to

earth got a stalled vehicle up ahead

it's blocking two lanes looks like we're

[Music]

stuck hey we haven't got all

day come on move that piece of junk

okay somebody call a

[Music]

cop

that you can't be left alone I've done

nothing wrong you are confused you're

supposed to watch television not appear

on

it it was very important The Man In

Charge said it would save his life if I

were Bachelor number three it was not

life or death obviously you do not

understand the says of this planet that

human merely had a paddle up his Creek

no matter this date will teach me all

about the male and female relationship

that

again you seem increasingly more

interested in this area the humans are

obsessed with it if I understand it then

I can understand them and I'm beginning

to understand you

control leave me I have got work to do

fine just remember you are here to help

humans not become

one you heard I said what's going on up

[Music]

there wa

[Music]

I want to make a commitment to be with a

man with my whole heart and soul for the

rest of my life I could never do that

you and 2 million other men in this

town I love

oysters

[Music]

dating

[Music]

scene I tried to date

once I barely survived it oh you poor

thing haven't you been out

since I do not have a need for

it Jesse when you find someone special

it's the most wonderful thing in the

world you can't give

up I never give

[Music]

up would you Excuse me while I putter my

[Music]

nose

[Music]

very

interesting the females wear weapons on

their feet I wonder if they use them

against other females or males they

choose to

[Music]

pepper say when say

[Music]

she wants to make a commitment with her

heart and soul to be together for the

rest of our lives that is an impractical

suggestion and inadvisable what is

soul soul Spirit vital force very Gordy

get down I feel

good she has had poor experiences with

dating I do not want to make her angry

by rejecting her H good point be

especially wary if she removes her

[Music]

[Music]

Jesse

Jesse we have to

talk I mean here you are after a

devastating experience about to take

your first careful step back into the

dating world and and I have to

disappoint

[Music]

you this will be our only

date okay no but it's nothing to do with

you really you're so sweet

and well it's it's just that I met

someone and that was after I agreed to

go on the

show The

pepper yes uh Miss is quite correct it

does have a hint of pepper and a nice

touch of Oak and berries as

well I'll chill it for

[Music]

you tell me about this

someone well his name's Michael and he's

strong and charming and Gent gentle and

oh Jesse I have a feeling about this one

and sometimes I honestly think I'm

psychic do you

understand Jesse we can be wonderful

friends friends instead of dates and and

we can help each other and tell each

other the truth when nobody else

will friend sounds better than dates

Jesse I can help find the perfect girl

for

driver would you go back to my

place I thought we were supposed to go

to the dancing club next well there's

something I want to pick up Jesse do you

know how I met

Michael you won't believe this in

Matchmaker magazine well anyway I have a

copy at my place it's the perfect way to

find you a girl really you don't have to

do this if I don't do it no one will and

that's what friends are for look I have

a copy of Michael's ad listen

lovely lady sought by tall dark stranger

independent resourceful likes to work

with his hands enjoys night life

appreciates Fine Art let us come

together to share what is

[Music]

beautiful Dear Jane has such good taste

no no no it's worthless she did it

herself these on the other hand these

these very carefully they're worth

thousands of these you go check in

[Music]

[Music]

so you wait right here and I'll be right

back

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

God I hate to see

that you play a little yeah sounds like

me little boogie WGY got a great left

hand yeah but that's a crime that's a

real

crime

so if I

understand you were standing up there

and they were pushing a piano from way

up there

right oh that is correct

yeah and how did it get over there cuz

it's hard to see how that could happen

I'm sorry I must have fainted or

something but that's when they got away

right when the piano came came flying

down made the corner and landed way over

there I couldn't let it fall on

Jane you know you hear about things like

that all the time parents picking up

cars to rescue their kids inquirers had

some great

stories from around here not from around

here wait a minute I'm real good with

accents is it uh let me see um Jersey

yes Jersey what part of

Jersey all of

huh quite a first

date lucky thing he was

along might we chalk this one up to

experience or go back for the rest oh

I'm going back for the rest but I'm not

going through a

window oh hell B

we've been doing this gig for so long

aren't you sick of it what about the

ladies we're still working on we'll wrap

up the two or three with the most to

offer but Jane has a huge trust fund

that just

matured huge trust fund you don't steal

that kind of money you marry it

marry Mike she barely knows

you but I know her Jane's really into

this touchy feely stuff she's is taking

a personal development extension class

at

UCLA chapter 3 musical stimulation

listen to your favorite composer as you

fall asleep then in the morning write

down your dreams listen to this Mozart

brought dreams of a happy

heart Jane I came as soon as I got your

message you all right

good Lord look at this place Michael

this is Lieutenant Taylor hi Michael

West how do you do we were just leaving

ma'am we'll be in touch if we get any

leads thank you

lieutenant

officer no I'm Jesse Jesse oh yes the uh

date I'll um help you clean this up

tomorrow but then I want to get you out

of here there's a string quartet playing

Mozart at the Renaissance hotel tomorrow

night Mozart my favorite mozar my

favorite well let's all go

together yeah it's wonderful though just

the three of us

[Music]

then I'll tell you something quite

seriously I was with you last night when

it

happened I'd fallen asleep at home on

the couch and I had the most Vivid image

of you in my sleep suddenly I woke and I

knew something something had

happened and then you

called you were with us but you were at

home

asleep how is that possible it's ESP

psychic

connection I'm sure you don't believe in

such things no I do I'm I'm fascinated

by it in fact I I think I might be

psychic myself really yeah I also have

images visiting my sleep violent ones I

find them manance and without

purpose they say that higher beings in

other worlds communicate with their

minds you know I have never met

any yes well I'm glad to say I haven't

Michael do you think you and I are

psychic well then you'd know how often

I'd think of you wouldn't

[Music]

you Excuse me while I powder my

nose do you think if I gave him a

quarter he'd go

away I like him I mean last night he was

struggling so hard to come to terms with

the crazy world I could just sense it I

just want to help

[Applause]

no no no I absolutely insist now not

another word about it oh but I must

repay you Jesse you already have last

night you saved my one and only girl I

owe you a tremendous debt you do well I

can't even begin to repay you Michael

maybe we can find someone special for

Jesse too that's a great idea we'll look

through the advertisements in Matchmaker

magazine my debt will be satisfied when

we find you the perfect

match how can one find true love in

these

Pages a marketplace where humans

advertise for

companions what form of Commerce is this

one that you should

avoid this Pursuit can lead you into

great trouble it could even prove

fatal my research on what is called

romance says the human heart can be

broken yes this body is fragile even now

it is chilled because I do not have the

jacket you will never return to your own

climate if you don't listen to me these

magazines contain lonely humans who can

be very

dangerous petite blonde looking for

romance brunette loves to dance love at

first glance dating matrimony alimony

negative outcome not

playful gal with zest for Life loves The

Great

Outdoors seeking energetic

man for fun in the

sun hey buddy okay back here back here

come

on all right great here you go wait okay

ready

[Music]

drop

it's so peaceful it makes me feel so

calm yes like

I like we belong here do you know it's

always been my dream to have a house on

a cliff overlooking the sea we could

watch the sunsets

together

hi I finished my

dat uh um Jesse does the expression

thre's a crowd mean anything to

no all right let's

see

um here here what about this one my life

is almost perfect except I'm missing you

she misses me she has met me this girl

uh maybe she heard about it look here's

one spunky female looking for a man with

brains and and heart to share nights of

fun and laughter and hopefully

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

passion here's one curvaceous cat lady

wants to be tamed by sensitive

attractive

cerebral no Jesse look here's one

there's

one I am in the mood for a love and hot

chocolate by the

fire you have a great

body how does this

feel when it seems to alleviate the

fatigue that comes with the use of this

body's muscular system

Go With It Go where wherever it takes

you this human tissue is far too

vulnerable to strains and

bruises to

ever

totally

relax

pleasure no it was not entirely

unpleasant it was a feeling

like something like the quickening at

the moment of battle begins very curious

I can't imagine what it is for oh that's

Michael's car he must be taking Jane on

an eating date they will be happy for me

to join

them

he said Jane was his one and only date

deception duplicity Panky Panky negative

outcome not

[Music]

good Michael we have company brought you

a present close your

eyes keep them

closed can I look

no don't

no

Michael that's a sapphire how did you

know know what it's my favorite stone is

it really uh-huh God to good to be

true you were supposed to pop your corn

not join your

faces sorry I um I couldn't

resist popcorn's in the microwave just

take a few

minutes I see you are employed as a cook

here perhaps you could answer a few

questions there is a biion neurological

response to phys contact which I don't

understand very well if you're in such a

hurry I'll get to the

point as a visiting bio animated life

form I wonder if you might share your

feelings with me as we have physical

contact I noticed you are heating up a

slight

vibration oh

my at first I thought it would be like

Whitman sampler that's how I felt when I

put in my ad one bite and they just toss

you away well everyone wears masks and

sometimes it's a

prince sometimes it's a popper it's like

a game on The Dating Game you only get

to choose one date at a time now

sometimes one is all you

need everybody should play by the rules

something bothering you you are having

two dates Jesse what are you talking

about another woman has been joining him

at the

face I saw them going into the

restaurant last

night last

night you must mean Susan Susan Stanton

the business associate I told you

about it was a working dinner tax

deductible so what's your

problem so what's my problem my goodness

it is getting late Jesse you just

misunderstood who would like melted

butter on their

popcorn Jesse would you come help

me Jesse you really have to get along

with

Michael I don't like

Michael and I don't want you to like him

either Jesse I'm in love with him in

love every minute of every day that I'm

with him

is it's like a dream come true I can't

matched Jesse Michael's asked me to

marry

him and I've said

yes the wedding's next Thursday and we

booked the most wonderful

change fails to see the

truth obviously this condition causes

some allergic reaction in head

cavities and it leads to marriage

wedding and a honeymoon

book

honeymoon honeymoon I'll show you

Honeymooners there is a video

encyclopedia on Honeymooners that

Generations on this planet have studied

does it Define

marriage I have nothing from the World

of Tomorrow you want the World of

Tomorrow

Alex the world ofor I'll give me the

world of tomor you're going in the

moon why did Jane wait all her life for

this condition to

begin apparently it is a test of human

endurance many tried the course few

thank you your friend um uh Jesse is a

hard man to pin down doesn't seem to

hold a job very

long no

background no

family no last name no last name good

Lord why don't you just arres air you're

saying things that I've been trying to

tell Jane since I first met him

ma'am this is a great cup of coffee you

are one lucky lucky man to be marrying a

woman who makes coffee this

good well I never touch the

stuff what a

shame Jesse is the most innocent

helpless he couldn't possibly have had

anything to do with the

burglary you did say you came home

earlier than you'd planned he's the one

who stopped it perhaps he had to put on

a good show if I had something to hook

him on I would but I don't I'm just

recommending a little

Caution got to

go been a lot of burglaries of single

women lately we're just trying to find

someone or something that ties them all

together uh you should also

know a couple of months ago one of the

victims was killed at the scene

well have a nice

day I'll feel much better after we're

married then I can take care of her

myself try the

[Music]

someone

[Music]

if you don't mind I've got four of these

this afternoon the sooner the

better I take it you've never been

married

before

Jane all right everybody gather up here

please gather around down in front fill

in the spaces thank

you dearly beloved we are gathered here

today in the sight of God to join these

two in holy

wedlock H lock imprison captive negative

outcome not good common as life is love

and it's familiar voice we

not is it done no the announcer has just

started to explain the rules it was very

difficult finding the proper clothing

humans routinely change clothes to fit

the occasion this should not have caused

you any inconvenience ah but it did I

had to pay many dollars to get this from

the army of

Salvation there must be many Formal

Affairs

today common as light is love and it's

familiar voice we's not ever will you

join hands

please thank

you Michael do you take this woman to be

your lawfully wed wife having a hold

from this day forward for for better for

worse for rich or for poor in sickness

and in health to love honor and cherish

forsaking all others till death do you

part I

[Laughter]

do Jane you take this man to be your

lawfully wetted husband to have and to

for worse for richer for poor in

cherish forsaking all others till death

do you part I

do now If any man can show Just Cause

why they should not lawfully be joined

together let him speak now or forever

hold his peace I wish to

Jesse for better for richer in health

these are good things but for poor in

sickness till death these are very

negative terms for an

alliance what do you think you're

doing he said I could

speak the man has a

point people are crying here for the

mistake you're about to make Jesse

please it's time to leave pal come on

who are you I'm his best

man ah you are his Norton honeymooner

Come On To The Moon

St like this will make the whole job

worthwhile stop it stop it everyone I

only wanted to help well you didn't

sorry about the interruption ma'am may I

say you make a beautiful bride we had

another burglary last night and this

time he left something

behind caught his jacket on the window

on the way out does this look familiar

were any of the guys in your apartment

wearing something like this yes someone

was isn't that from your jacket

Jesse yes that is from my jacket did I

happen to mention you have the right to

remain

silent you're under

[Music]

arrest

[Music]

my

son we we'll save all this for later I

always wanted to yope

[Music]

anyway you can't force your way into

this building if I am to prove my

innocence I must find that jacket

you are here to get along in this

Society not to continue breaking their

laws you can help me terminate that

surveillance

device absolutely not I am here merely

to observe if I can't prove my innocence

then you and I will never return

home H well I don't have to observe from

here perhaps a better vantage

[Music]

[Music]

I know it is here look in the outerwear

spaces we have seen in other

[Music]

dwellings

[Music]

someone has taking it someone is trying

to use

me ah I have heard of this tactic you

have been what they call frame down

frame down be on

alert Michael has been here he could be

the one Jane just may be in danger I saw

the honeymoon book over here

[Music]

M oh Michael you were right I'm so glad

we did this you know was a Charming

ceremony I just hope Jesse's okay

darling why don't you try to put Jesse

out of your mind for now really

okay God this is a perfect spot for a

honeymoon you know this is everything I

ever hoped you would be I know how do

you

know I just know our psychic connection

you know I honestly believe it's true

Michael you seem to know what I want

before I want it it's going to be

wonderful isn't it till death do us part

that would be the champagne that I

wored just set it over no Jesse what are

you doing here I am not a thief and I'm

looking for the one who is Jesse there

is nothing we can do for you now get out

of here and leave us alone I left my

jacket at your home that's nonsense no

man in his right mind would forget his

jacket in this cold weather no but did I

I put it in the closet the other night

and I went back and it was

gone

this is outrageous this man is a

fugitive from Justice he's a thief and

probably a

killer I have killed

often but in Wartime only now when I

sense an enemy The Urge is still there I

fight

it but one day I just may lose that

battle Jane he's your friend you get him

out of our lives

[Applause]

[Music]

guess who showed up on the honeymoon

Good Neighbor

Jesse Jane knows that his jacket was in

her closet I can't have her telling the

police that we're going to have to move

sooner than I anticipated let me take

care of him that won't be necessary I

think he can help us we don't need an

accident now we've got a jealous

ex-lover who followed her all the way up

here on her honeymoon just is to kill

her and then I'll be forced to kill him

let's

[Music]

go Shane who else has been in your

closet only

Michael Jesse you are asking me to

believe that the man I married is a

robber and a

killer I mean I've tried to help you but

this is really just too strange I would

really appreciate it if you would just

leave your eyes don't see Michael

because you're in love with him which

just goes to prove the old Axiom is true

love is blind Michael and just in time

well it must be our psychic

connection oh come on now Jane your

favorite music your favorite color your

secret

desires how else could I know those

things let's just say your life is an

open

book my

book you know we've always been such a

close-knit threesome why don't we enjoy

just a little more time time together

this

[Music]

way this is far enough you get over

there you put your hands up Michael what

are you doing are you crazy I'm just

collecting on a little insurance

policy I've waited a long time for this

Michael I'm your wife till death do us

part

Jane this would be a lot easier if you

close your eyes

[Music]

Michael don't

[Applause]

[Music]

move don't p on the Rock Jesse I just

need something for you to hold on to so

I can lift you don't on

[Music]

jie

help

[Applause]

no take her hand and hold her if she

falls you I got

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

and

we had to impound his car so uh can I

give you a ride back into town yes you

may take Jane back to town what about

you Jesse no I wish to stay here a

while I sure wish I'd listen to you all

along I understand you had allergies in

the head

cavities that's for sure wasn't much of

a honeymoon was it the next one will be

better

yeah bye

Jesse ma'am we're uh

ready maybe uh if you feel like it's

some time uh we could get together I

could play a little boogie wogie you can

make me some

okay

[Music]

this foolish study of romance nearly

ended in your destruction if that

happened I'd never get home either yes

control You' be stranded on Earth with a

paddle up your

creep St studio studio

[Music]

he's coming Tarzan in Manhattan

Saturday now stay tuned as Jake's plane

crash