Original subtitles

I'm distracted by the silence. I can hear myself think.

What good is a detective when he's cooped up in the clink?

I know who did me dirty.

No, there's no mystery there.

Now I... Nikki!

Where is Nikki?

Uh, I did see her a while ago, butterscotch.

And I will phone her right now. Connor!

Yep? You fix the screens.

On it. Ready, Gloria?

again i'm distracted

by the silence i can hear myself i'm sorry did they just come from their

first grade jazz recital hey charlie they need more time we don't have more

time so again sorry sorry i'm just i'm Doing the screens, recording the show

and the music. Can we maybe run this half speed?

See, when you say that, all I hear is, can we maybe run it half-assed?

We open in four days. People, we do not have time for crappy dancing and broken

screens and, oh, costume malfunctions. Ezra!

Uh, he quit, remember, Crumpet.

All right, everyone, under my roof. Come on, Mrs Hudson,

you're up.

Yes.

I know I live below a genius.

I know you have your little ways.

I know your work is very stressful and you never sleep for days.

But Sherlock, your actions, this attitude must cease.

You're irritating all the neighbours who just want some peace. Give it some guts,

Mum. The visitors, the parties, the smells and the smoke.

The drugs and the guns, the violin, it's no joke. I can't hear you. I know you

have it in you.

You're right, I can't.

It's all wrong.

Stop!

Look, I know that this might just be a hobby for some of you, but this is my

life. And right now you're ruining it.

Sorry, did you have something to say, Adrian?

No, please.

Go on.

I'm learning so much.

seeing an auteur like yourself realizing his vision.

Yeah, you're fired.

I must have misheard you. Oh, yes, sorry. I keep forgetting you're a senior

citizen. You are fired!

No, no, maybe we should just wait a minute. Did you not realize why our one

-man costume department left here only to turn up the very next day dressing

the main maligned witch of history?

Adrian's real star turn is his saboteur number one.

He's been working with the enemy from the beginning. Blanch for me!

Both reductions needed my expertise!

Which, I might remind you, outweighs yours by 30 years and 32

chapters!

Casting you as Moriarty was a mistake from the beginning.

Ta-ta.

So, uh, who's gonna play Moriarty?

Me, of course. Oh, what a surprise.

Gloria! Oh, what now? Break the legs.

Give me water and some cold compress.

Barley sugar. She needs barley sugars. Just give her some space. You've been

working too hard, love.

Eat some barley sugars.

Yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay.

Great. From the top.

No.

What what can't believe I let myself get persuaded again Your whole motivation

for doing this show was just to get back at Jackie, wasn't it?

You were never hashtag team summers.

I Am shutting Sherlock down we will get our deposit back and fix the roof no mom

you can't do that cuz we know Charlie Apparently that's a full sentence

You look fab.

Not the costume.

Marilyn just isn't working.

No, you're quite right. So let's say goodbye, Norma Jean. Gone.

Adrian. Sorry I'm late, darling. I was attending a funeral.

Because Sherlock is dead.

What? I performed my Moriarty number for him, and he was so jealous, and it was

so incredible, he fired me.

So gay, I had to shut it down.

How's Charlie? He's terrible.

I know Mel Robbins says that we should let them be upset.

I just don't want Charlie to be too upset.

He's been doom scrolling for hours.

He'll be fine.

Norma! I'm coming for ya!

Oh, this has gone too far. Someone needs to say something to her.

But someone is me, isn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. The show is about to begin.

Please ensure your phones are set to silent.

Parkamoon, front row.

Parkamoon! They, Parkamoon, from the scene over here.

The review of that bloody woman, like, put in the cargo operatic on the map.

And another ginormous bouquet from the mayor, no less.

Good to see you out there doing your own thing, girlfriend.

About time you left that group of hacks at Pizazz behind.

Kiss, kiss, Cynthia.

Now an actor must prepare.

Hi. Hi.

Jackie?

I just wanted to say, break a leg. And I am so sorry.

For all the stuff Charlie said about drama school?

There's no need to apologize, Mia.

I love the life I chose.

While those whopper wannabes worked as bartenders trying to make ends meet, I

bought two houses, built an enormous fan base, and made a soon-to-be critically

acclaimed cabaret.

What's Charlie got?

A cancelled show?

Reputation in tatters.

Yeah, no thanks.

Still, Charlie is your best friend. Ex.

Best friend.

Mia.

Mia. Mia, Mia, Mia, Mia, Mia.

Let me give you some advice.

One day, when you're nearly as successful as I am, you'll realise no

one is actually happy for you.

In fact, some of your best friends can't wait to watch you fall flat on your

face.

You know, when I look back, not getting into drama school was the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

Yeah, but I'm sure you'll love it, though.

Who sends a you-up message at 7.30?

You okay?

Yeah, yep.

Yeah, absolutely.

You sure?

It's okay.

It's okay.

We're gonna see Maligned Woman.

You need a rest, babe.

Watch your step.

Sit.

And... open.

I added rose petals.

For extra romance.

Connor, this is, um... Look, I know you're sad about Sherlock.

And on days like these, it can feel like you've lost everything.

Like it's the lowest point of your life, like it's... The all is lost moment?

Yeah. That's a great name for it.

But Gloria, all isn't lost.

There are so many beautiful things about you.

Thanks, Connor.

In fact, I wrote a song about all the beautiful things I like about you.

It's called... All the Beautiful Things I Like About You.

Reason number one, you were cool when I told you I lied about the blood curse.

Reason number two, you're really good at writing music for shows like Troy.

Reason number three, you smell just like my favorite auntie, Auntie Lottie.

Reason number four, you're my girlfriend and I'm your boyfriend.

Reason number five, I think it's cool.

It's annoying that this works.

Unless you'll be in a better mood now. That show seems to be bumming you out.

I wish I was back in New York.

Why?

Um, because, I don't know, it was everything that I've ever wanted.

Really?

Have you ever been birdwatching?

What? I go every weekend. My favourite bird is a corkuckle.

I became obsessed with seeing one.

One day, I was looking in the bush for hours, and I came over the ridge,

and I saw... nothing.

Nothing? Nothing. So I went home.

I thought if I saw the Kaukako, I'd have finally made it, like I... finally be

accepted by the unusually competitive and weirdly cruel bird watching

community. But then I realised it doesn't actually matter if I ever see a

kōkako or not because when I'm birding, anything that I'm worried about, whether

I can pay rent or whether the hoiho will win bird of the year again, they just

fade away.

I'm present, doing what I love.

I'm happy.

In my world, people only say they don't care about seeing the caw-caw-caw if

they're not good enough to make it on Broadway.

All right, Debbie Downer, how can I cheer you up? Do you want to milo, watch

a movie?

We could go see that show.

Benign women of history.

Uh, no, thank you.

I'd rather eat my own arm.

all of history.

It's women who led the way.

Why? Well, it's no mystery.

They're smart and strong and hot, okay.

They led nations, fought in wars, and did so with great success.

But they were then called hags and whores just because they wore a dress I

know so tonight we celebrate the ones who took on the men and more Cuz

who rules the world we do yeah, I'm gonna rant and roar About

maligned women of history my cabaret for you

maligned

Are you excited? Yeah, me too.

Let's go back in time. Meet them along.

Is this paradise?

Is this eternal bliss?

Is this the garden where we... Oh, what is this?

A snake?

An apple?

Don't eat the apple! Don't eat the... Oh, no!

What happened?

Is Adam there?

No, Adam isn't here.

isn't here I know it's hard to believe but not everything is always about Adam

today

if I slept with the Romans, Mark and the other JC.

I secured the succession, prevented a depression, kept Egypt fed and free.

So yes, I'm cute, but I'm smart and astute. Savvy, but still managed to

smile. I spoke seven languages. Regina Nili is Latin for Queen of

Burnham.

You okay?

I'm good.

Reason 73, I think it's cute that you are so easily frightened Reason

74, you always giggle when I affectionately shove you Reason 75,

your name is literally half consonants, half vowels Reason 76, and well

honestly... I love you

So let's put Sherlock and Charlie behind us.

Because Connor will always be in your corner.

Every second of every day.

Whatever.

She was here, wasn't she?

Norma's destroying pizzazz!

Take it easy, Nicky. Let it go!

The lights glitched out because of the leak.

While you were chasing Norma, Charlie went crazy and gay cancelled Sherlock.

To be fair, babe, it wasn't all Nicky's fault.

No, you're right. It's your fault too.

And mine.

All the secret kissing, the serenading, the rose petals.

It was too much.

I let myself get distracted. I lost control of my own show for the second

time. My... Sherlock's cancelled?

Did you really mean all that?

Yeah.

Kinda.

I did.

I'm sorry.

So, this is, uh, all this last moment?

that you have seen up here on stage tonight.

Had to fight a guillotine or a serpent or a man.

Am I right?

I too have a snake to blame. Yes, I too have been wronged.

But I won't be naming names.

Because the show just must go on.

Joan Eve Marie maligned women of history Madonna

And that's the male kōkako. Oh.

I mean, their song is... majestic.

It's actually, it's almost reminiscent of a coloratura soprano.

Mm.

No, I just like their little blue chins.

They've actually got a very unusual mating call.

Oh, so does a coloratura soprano.

Oh, yeah? How's that go?

I made you this.

You make these for all your visitors?

No.

Yeah, um... I should, um... I should...

I should go.

I mean, I... I need to apologise to my mum

and... Yeah, go on. Family comes first.

They said it couldn't be done.

They said Tauranga couldn't handle a boundary-pushing feminist cabaret.

They said I couldn't act and tried to replace me with a younger woman.

Where are those haters now?

Cancelled. In big trouble when they get home.

Winners for us.

I think this is just the beginning for maligned women.

Next stop, Broadway, anyone?

Broadway, here we come.

Boss, about Norma. Vicki, you have to drop it. I cannot hear anymore about

Norma.

Sorry. Please, don't be sorry, Gay. I've come to my senses.

It's over.

The review dropped.

Oh, yes.

Jackie James is back with a new cabaret, malign women of history.

More like mediocre women of Tōranga.

The costumes might be dazzling, period,

but they do little to distract from a stiff, overindulgent performance in an

offensive show that somehow sets feminism back a century.

I'm not familiar with the actor playing God, but his performance was deeply

uninspired. While some may admire her confidence, after 80 agonising, mind

-numbing minutes, the only thing I admired was her consistency.

Consistently reminding us why Jackie James never made it out of Tauranga.

Well, at least they love my costumes.

Do you want to come to the Tatars with me?

What? The Tauranga Amateur Theatre Awards.

You're not obedient.

absolutely horrific evening and you'd probably rather be doing literally

anything else. It's just that I have to go and I don't want to go alone and I

thought that if you went as my date that that might make me happy. It's a really

stupid idea. It's so stupid. I don't want to...

I'll be more than happy to come.

Honestly? Of course.

Well then.

Um... You know, I'm 37.

And my mum doesn't need to wait up for me.

So... I could just... More than happy about that, too.

Okay.

Holy mother, superstar, saint, seductress, where's my bra?