Original subtitles

Hey, Grace, when was the last time you had a weekend without the kids?

When I was in labor.

But then a head popped out, and that was that.

Well, then you need to go out and have some fun.

Ooh, Nadine, I've got big plans.

I'm gonna slip into a hot bath, slip into a nightgown, slip into a coma.

Oh, come on. I thought maybe we'd do something together.

Well, you can come by every few hours and crack an egg in my mouth to keep me

alive.

You just asked me that five minutes ago.

Yeah, but now Quentin wants to know. Go tell them what I told you. They'll be

here in a little bit.

Okay. Hey, Quentin, Mom said shut up, you big corn head!

You know, Grace, I think this is a good thing you're doing, letting the kids

spend a weekend with Jimmy's parents.

Well, the kids love them, and they're good grandparents.

It's just that they don't see their son for the satanic rodeo clown that he is.

Hey, mind if I use your shower, Grace?

You know this guy?

Mm-mm. What's wrong with our shower? Ah, the water shut off. Guy's out there

rooting the main.

Help yourself, Wade. Thank you.

Hey, Libby. Uncle Wade, I'm gonna see my grandma.

Good. Just don't let her stuff you full of candy and shove you in the oven.

I won't.

Mama, do I still call Grandma and Grandpa Grandma and Grandpa, even though

you're not married to Daddy anymore? Yes, ma'am. What do you call him?

Well, I... Grace, don't.

Same thing I always did. Spam-sucking trailer trash?

But in my eyes, there's a perfect world.

I can see it, a perfect world.

Libby, Quentin.

Grandma, grandpa.

Hi. Hey, Jean. Grace,

you're looking good.

Yeah, a little tired, but good for somebody who's raising three kids

without a husband. But then, dearie, that was your decision, wasn't it?

Oh, Patrick, look at that boy. Emmett is just like little Jimmy. Yeah, he's gonna

be just like his daddy.

Yeah, except pretty soon Patrick will be off the bottle.

You remember me, Nadine Swoboda. I'm Grace's next-door neighbor.

Oh, sure, sure.

Emmett, you remember Grace's best friend, the one that's been divorced

three times.

We're burning daylight here.

Let's get the kids and get going.

Hi, sweetie.

Oh, there's my little sugar booger.

You're looking puny, Libby. What are you feeding this child, Grace?

Well, cat food and tap water, same as always.

Jimmy Jr.

Quentin. His name is Quentin. Well, it is traditional to name the firstborn son

after the father.

Oh, Gene, I just didn't think perpetrator was a good name for a little

boy.

Here, honey.

Give him the presents. Let's get going.

All righty. Now, here we go. There's for Quentin.

Oh, great. A machine gun.

Neat, huh? Hey, get your bag.

Oh, Gene, you know I don't give the kids war toys.

Ah, pfft.

Now look what we got here for you, Libby.

Barbie and Ken.

Thanks, Grandma.

Mommy, look.

Did you know that Barbie and Ken have been together 32 years?

Through good times and bad?

Well, maybe that's because Ken didn't go to Gatlinburg, Tennessee to shack up

with Betsy Wetsy.

Maybe that's because Barbie knew how to take care of Ken.

It's easy to take care of a man who can't make a fist.

You think Barbie's exaggerating a little? Are you calling Barbie a liar?

They're not real.

Grace, I left my deodorant at home. May I borrow some of yours?

Sure way. Go ahead.

I wanted to ask first because it's kind of a personal item.

Knock yourself out.

It's got a manly scent.

That's my husband.

It's my bathrobe.

We're burning daylight.

Honey, I brought you a canned ham. The little key fell off, but you could pry

it open with a screwdriver.

And you think I'm hard to shop for.

It's for the kids.

Rain's leaving.

Come on, y'all.

Give me a hug.

I love you.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Good. I love you. See you in the morning. Do what Grandma and Grandpa

say. Get in the car, kids.

Bye-bye.

Y'all, Patrick's a handful. You sure you can handle him? Give me that big boy.

Grace, I've raised four sons. I think I can handle Patrick for one night.

I built him a crib.

We really want to spend some time with him, Grace.

We won't be on this earth forever, you know.

Promises, promises.

You are wicked. Don't you worry. I'll take good care of my grandchildren.

I know you will. Go on. I'll see you in the morning.

Thanks, Grace.

Oh, boy. There they go.

Man, they're so helpless at that age.

Then they got my kids.

The turkey goes... The

duck goes...

Gray,

stop it. You're scaring me.

I miss my kids, Nadine.

Fighting and shrieking and crying and...

You'll be back tomorrow and your life will be hell again. God, we've got to

get you out of here.

Come on, let's go shopping.

Grocery shopping without the kids. What a good idea.

Geez, Grace, we're not going to shop for food. Let's shop for shoes.

Well, I have shoes, Nadine. Oh, God, I've lost you.

Come on, we're going to go shopping and tonight we'll go out to dinner. We'll

make a big night of it. It'll be so much fun. Girls' night out and... Hi, can I

come in?

Well, hey, Russell, we were just leaving.

Barbara won't let me see Phillip.

Barbara? X, Y. Phillip? X, dog.

I used to take him for walks in the park. I'd throw him the Frisbee.

He'd lick my face.

Who's gonna lick my face now?

Don't look at me. I don't even want to go to the movies with you.

I came here because I thought you'd understand.

I'm sorry, Russell.

It's just my kids are gone this weekend. I feel kind of lost myself.

Oh, please. It's not the same.

Okay, fine. We're leaving now. Bye, Russell.

Is your husband around?

Yeah, he's in our garage doing his pottery.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

I'm the one who put those little drops in Philip's ears when he got an

infection, and she gets custody. Oh, yeah, that's justice.

Well, the courts are partial to women in these matters.

You know, I snuck over there today, and she had him tied up in the backyard.

What? Yeah.

I know she doesn't bathe him. His teeth are yellow.

He's got goop in his eyes.

Oh, man.

He was much happier and healthier when he lived with me.

Look, I got a picture of him.

Russell, Philip is a dog.

Well, yeah.

Don't talk to me anymore.

She's getting him neutered.

Neutered? She's got mine.

Now she's going for his.

When? Tomorrow.

Then we get him tonight.

You mean steal him?

Russell, I don't think you're seeing the big picture here.

What's happening to your dog is symptomatic of what's happening to men

all over this country.

They're being stolen from their backyards?

No.

They're being emasculated by feminists and liberals who want us to be soft and

obedient. Yeah, you're right.

I guess it's time we took our manhood in our own hands.

You know what I mean.

Yeah. Look, we'll meet here later tonight. Let's synchronize our watches.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, uh, say, nine-ish?

Kid still alive?

Oh, yes.

The baby threw up on Grandma's dinner.

Libby painted a mural on the living room wall, and Quentin dropped his G.I. Joe

in the garbage disposal.

I could not be happier.

Yeah. Hey, the girl's night out.

Yeah, girl's night out. All right.

Here we are.

Nadine, it's been a while. Are we having fun?

We used to have fun, didn't we?

Yeah. Hey, remember when you were having second thoughts about Mary and Jimmy and

we drove down to Florida in my convertible?

That was a long time ago.

We were pretty wild back then.

Tore our shirts off and rode topless from Mobile to Pensacola.

Remember the toll booth collector?

He kept hollering, thank you, Lord, hallelujah.

Oh, man, that guy's life is so pathetic, he's probably sitting in a bar right now

telling that story.

To a friend.

Pretty pathetic. It is.

Hey, let's go do something crazy.

I ain't taking my top off. No, tattoos.

Let's get something really stupid tattooed on our butts.

All right.

You get Bert, I'll get Ernie, and we'll put on a show for the kids.

Hi, ladies.

And speaking of Sesame Street... What's going on?

Don't bother. We're not sleeping with you.

Okay, plan B.

Mind if we join you?

I'm married.

I've got children.

I'm on academic probation.

I can eat 51 hard-boiled eggs.

Well, sit down.

Yeah.

I'm Kevin. This is Chris and Mark.

And you are?

Too old for you.

How do you know?

Oh, honey, y'all still got soft spots on top of your head.

So, what do you two do?

Uh, I'm a cop.

I'm a lesbian.

We're lesbian cops.

Cool.

You two really are awesome.

Yeah. Uh, yeah, well, we're burning dead light. Good night, guys. Yeah, we'll see

you around the kiddie pool.

Listen, I realize you don't know us, and you probably think we're really young

and immature.

Yeah, and you'd be right.

But there's a really great party at our frat house, and we'd really like you to

come. If you don't have anything else to do.

Well, thank you, boys. You're really sweet.

But we left our togas at the dry cleaner's.

Listen, just...

Just think about it. Yeah, we're gonna go get a fresh keg and give you ladies a

chance to talk it over.

Promise me you'll at least think about it.

Don't leave. We'll be back. We love you.

No way.

We don't do crazy stuff anymore.

We're too old for this. I've got a husband.

I've got children.

We can't. I'm going. Me too.

I'm sorry, Kevin. You didn't even get to shoot. You want to play again?

No, thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you, boys.

Thank you, boys.

Whoo, yes, Grace. Keep this up. We can quit our jobs and go back to college.

All right, which one of you zygotes wants to play next?

I'll play.

Brave young man.

Well, I've been watching you shoot.

I think I can win.

Confident, too.

Well, it's easy to be confident when you're playing with someone else's

money. And whose money would that be?

Daddy's? No, yours.

Of course, we don't have to play for money.

I've always said the play is the thing.

That wasn't you, young blood.

It was Hamlet. And besides, ambition should be made of sterner stuff.

Mark Antony, Julius Caesar.

I'll rack them.

Paul Newman, the hustler. You can break.

No, no, no, no.

I don't want to take advantage of you.

It's okay. I think I've been playing this game...

A lot longer than you.

Matter of fact, I think I've been doing everything a lot longer than you.

Well, you know, age isn't always indicative of experience.

You've read a lot of Shakespeare.

Well, diplomas aren't always indicative of intelligence.

Break.

I'm in trouble here, aren't I?

Yep.

Lights on in the bedroom.

She's home.

Good. We don't have to worry about the alarm.

What do we do if she catches us?

We kill her.

Okay.

Let's go.

Where's the dog? Here, Phillip.

Here, boy.

Here, sweetie-eaty-booty-booty boy.

Come on, Phillip.

Come on, my sweetie-eaty-booty-booty boy.

Come on, my sweetie-eaty-booty-booty boy. Phil, here's your water, Phil.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, buddy. Come on, Phillip.

There you go. There you go. There you go.

That'll do it. Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. Any more scotch, Barb?

No, honey, let me get it for you.

Sorry, man, that's gotta hurt.

I'm paying for that house. I'm paying for the... car, and I'm paying for that

scotch. Russell, let it go.

He's drinking my scotch. That is my scotch!

Russell!

Stay with me, man. I need you here.

Look, we got Phil.

Let's go. Okay.

Come on, Phil. Come on, buddy. Come on. There you go.

Okay, look, you go over first. I'll hand him over to you. Okay.

You sure you can lift him?

Russell, I hauled a .50 caliber machine gun through the jungles of Southeast

Asia. I think I can pick up your fat dog.

Okay, hand him over.

Careful, Wade.

He looks scared.

Not from this angle.

Oh, get him, get him. He's going, he's going, he's going.

Oh, come on. Get off my windpipe.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

We did it, buddy. Yeah, you and me. All right, freeze.

Put your hands where I can see them. They're up, they're up. Wait, wait.

Shoot me. Please shoot me.

I don't think there's that big a difference.

Well, how old do you think I am anyway?

I don't know. What?

Pushing 30?

Pushing 30, sweetheart. I'm pulling it on a trailer hitch.

Can I get you a beer?

No, thanks. I don't drink.

Really?

Me neither.

Rat boy that doesn't drink.

Well, my dad drank a lot.

So, um... My ex-husband.

Great.

Both got that codependency thing to work out.

Oh, honey, I didn't work it out. I kicked it out.

The one-step program.

Yep.

Well, maybe we have more in common than Shakespeare and pool shooting.

Well, I hope so.

Because otherwise we'll have nothing to talk about while I'm cooking you

breakfast tomorrow morning.

You're, uh... Mama and Daddy know you talk like that.

Why don't you respond to what I said instead of hiding behind our age

difference? Because I don't want to.

Just tell me the thought hasn't crossed your mind.

That's not the point.

We need to talk about something else.

Do you like Faulkner?

I will do anything.

To make this the most special night of your life.

Nadine!

Okay, and another thing. If you want to keep a woman's interest, I'm telling

you, never name your body parts. It's just not manly.

Nadine, come on.

Now, wait.

Wait, wait, wait! You're teaching a class!

I want to go home, and I want to go home now.

Well, honey, what's the matter? Look over in the corner. Look, but don't

look.

Oh, he's adorable.

Nadine, he is more than adorable.

He can do things in bed my ex-husband could not.

What's that?

Read.

What?

Then why are we leaving?

Because, because I'm 35 and I'm a mother and I just don't do crazy things like

this anymore.

And besides, if I spent the night with him, I'd ruin him for other women. Go,

go, go.

Was it something I said?

No. You said all the right things.

Well, then tell me your name.

Grace Kelly.

Oh, come on.

Give me your real name.

What's in a name?

Romeo and Juliet.

Tell me I did the right thing.

No way.

I did do the right thing.

Oh, God, it was so hot.

That was the most humiliating experience of my life.

Your ex-wife boyfriend was real young.

Hey, quit it with that, will you?

Hey, he talked her out of pressing charges.

Well, I can't exactly buy him scotch from jail now, can I?

Where'd you go?

tree by the police car?

Mm-hmm. That was me.

I'm really good at this.

Hey. Hey, you guys. Where you been?

Uh, we went over to my ex-wife's and played catch with the dog.

How about you two?

Oh, well, uh, we went to a frat house and hung out with a bunch of 21-year-old

hard bodies.

Same old, same old.

Yeah.

It's not too late. Why don't we all go out and do something stupid?

Did it.

Did it.

Shoulda did it.

Morning.

Hope you like cinnamon in your coffee.

Just put something in.

Thanks. I'll leave it that way.

So, uh...

How do you feel this morning?

Great.

How about you?

Hungry.

I thought you said you were hungry.

I am.

Did you miss us, Mama?

Wake up, Mama.

Oh, no.

fishing. Want to see the worms?

Patrick pooped in his car seat and Grandma's cleaning it up.

God, I'm back in Kansas.