Original subtitles

[Rex VO] I tend to like...

dangerous...

sex.

Like, I have a bucket list...of...

places...

sex in-- in places that people shouldn't be having sex in.

Like, that...

excites me; that drives me.

So, when we first had...

sex -- like, the first year -- it wasn't even in a bedroom,

-you know? [chuckles] -[Orna] Mm-hm.

It was-- it was...

you know, cars.

Yeah.

And, I mean, that was passionate...

-[Orna] Mm-hm. -It was--

it was very passionate, it was...

you know, there's always the chance of constantly being

caught, who's watching?...

So it's exciting in that way, yeah.

[Rex] Right, right.

-So it was exciting... -[Orna] Yeah.

Sex, so...

Well, maybe the two of you should be more adventurous.

[chuckles]

♪grooving Balearic beat♪

♪singing in French♪

♪♪♪

[laughs]

-[Orna] Hi! -Hi!

-Hello! -[Orna] Hi.

[softly] Okay...

[Orna] How was it for the two of you to have this break?

Oh, it was good, it was really lovely.

-It was good. -Yeah.

Yeah, we had our one-year wedding anniversary.

Right!

We hiked the Smokey Mountains.

-Wow. -[Joey] Yeah.

-And then, uh... -Almost died.

[Orna] How was the weather?

-It was hot... -[Orna] Hot.

And it was raining when we first got there.

-[Orna] Hot and raining, yeah. -Yeah, it was raining.

-[softly] Okay... -Oh, you need more space?

-[laughing] Y-- -Okay.

[laughing] I was like, "Why are you...?"

-[chuckles] -[Joey laughs]

-You had a good time! -[Joey, laughing] Yes.

-[laughs] -[Joey, laughing] Yes.

Uh, and then...

we encountered a bear.

-What?! -[Joey] Yes. [laughs]

Pretty close; it was scary.

-And... -What'd you do?

Uh, he tried yelling at it and it was still following us,

and we just backed up away, trying not to run.

It-- it was definitely an adventure.

How else are the two of you?

[laughing] Do I wanna say more?

[all laugh]

[laughing] Why do you not want to say more?

[laughs]

[laughing] Why are you embarrassed?

[Rex laughs]

Um...

so there was a change, and...

we...finally...

had sex.

Yay!

[both laugh]

[laughing] Why are you laughing?

Well, 'cause it's funny to me!

-[chuckling] Oh. -That...

that, like, you went along with it.

On vacation?

[Rex] Yeah.

And, normally, she wouldn't in a public...

-setting. -[Orna] Mm-hm.

But you said that that was one of your...

-kicks. -[Rex] Yes.

Mm-hm.

We were just having such a wonderful time during the week,

and I thought to myself, "Well, like,

well, I did say I'm gonna initiate more in some way,"

and...

we went to this beautiful, like, spa,

um, where you soak in a tub in a private area,

and it just felt like an [chuckling] appropriate time,

and then--

Can you say something about what made it possible for you?

Even, like, the bear encounter...

[Orna] Mm-hm.

You know, he was actually...

Like, I felt like he was brave!

-You know? -[Orna] Mm-hm.

He tried yelling at it, and he had me stay back and, like,

went ahead and tried to...

Not that he was gonna fight the bear but, you know,

he wasn't, like, running running from it,

he was trying to see whatever he could do about it,

and I felt...

protected, and I felt like, you know,

-I could rely on him. -[Orna] Mm-hm.

And at home, I don't get to see more of that 'cause I feel like

I run a lot of the things that happen at home.

But that, we've discovered, is not so great for the two of you.

[Joey] Right.

But then, you know, when we came back home...

uh, we got intimate again, and I-- I was, like,

thinking to myself, "Oh, has there been a breakthrough?"

[Orna] Mm-hm.

"Is this something that's constant?"

Do you have any thoughts on this, Rex?

I don't know if it's just the...

the natural high of the-- the week, you know?

'Cause the day we came back was our actual wedding anniversary,

so that still plays into why we got intimate the night of.

Anyone would still be worried, like, would...

-[Orna] Mm-hm. -Would it go back to...

how it was?

Because there's no bear chasing after us...

-[laughs] -[Orna] Mm-hm.

With me with a-- a walking stick and a pepper spray in one hand.

[Orna] Yeah.

Yeah, but even when he came back,

like, it was the ride of the momentum of the week,

but he also, like, cooked for me that night.

That probably had something to do...

[laughs]

It did something. [laughs]

But it sounds like we know what that something is.

[Joey] Mm-hm.

[Orna] You're taking more initiative, and you're...

-making room. -Mm-hm.

And then being courageous as far as, like...

overcoming your inhibitions...

[Joey] Mm-hm.

It also helped that we started

praying for each other at night.

-Praying for each other. -[Joey] Mm-hm.

So we would just face each other in bed,

hold hands, and...

close our eyes, and...

take turns.

It's like the first time in the day I get to hear what's in his

heart and...

what he's thinking about today and he hopes for in the future.

We made it a year, and...

I luh you very much.

[chuckles]

And I don't really say that in public.

Sounds like you're getting better at it.

♪funky upbeat music♪

[Lorena VO] Both Josh and Aviva, my other partner,

have anchor partners.

And I kinda go down these pathways of-- of...

like, "Do I want...

an anchor partner?"

Like, I...

have never wanted to live with a partner before,

but I'm like, "Is that something that I would want someday?"

♪pensive folk music♪

[Orna VO] Lorena has been so crushed by...

her mother's demise and-- and dealing with being her main

caregiver through this, like, terrible ordeal of cancer.

♪♪♪

Like, she gave up on any idea of future.

Lorena has a serious relationship with another

partner, who has this anchor partner herself,

so Lorena chose to be in two different relationships

in which she is...

not a primary partner.

Sometimes, it's not clear to me how comfortable she is when...

-the primacy of Josh... -Yeah.

[Orna] And Aryn's relationship shows up.

Mm-hm.

I wasn't sure if she's suffering,

or upset about this...

place she has, and now, I feel like it's actually,

to some degree, very convenient for her.

Um, maybe too convenient.

I've been wanting to connect Josh and my other partner,

but, like, having this nervousness of not doing it

right and, like, when I bring up things,

it hasn't gone well, and, like,

feeling all the ways that, like...

I feel like I've let him down and I've let her down.

And a situation happened again recently,

where, uh, my other partner...

had invited Josh to a party and asked me whether she should...

directly invite him or...

if I should do it.

And, like, instead of just saying, like,

"Aviva wanted to invite you,"

I, like, freak out, like, internally,

and I don't know what to do, and it feels super stressful.

It was interesting; the text message was literally like...

"I'd really like Josh to come.

Do you wanna invite him?

Or should I invite him directly?"

-Mm-hm. -[Josh] Right?

And now we're here, the day of, and zero action has been taken,

and it's like, that's-- there's something here.

Like, how do we...

resolve it?

Are you sure you even want this?

Like, actually!

Like, I'm cu-- I'm not even upset anymore...

-[Orna] Mm-hm. -I'm just, like,

trying to understand, like, what is the block here?

[Orna] Mm-hm.

And me getting upset -- because I've been reflecting on it...

-[Orna] Mm-hm. -I was like,

"It's definitely not gonna help anymore..."

[Orna] Right.

"Try not to do that."

And how did that go, that conversation?

I mean, I think it was a very good conversation,

even though it was incredibly, like,

painful and challenging.

I really feel like I hit a bottom, actually, maybe like...

two weeks ago or a week ago -- whatever, recently.

What do you mean "a bottom?"

What-- what was there?

[chuckles]

-What was there? -[laughs]

-Wow... -What was there?

[chuckles]

[Lorena] I think just, uh, a perspective shift.

I-- I'm just in this...

very challenge-- very dark place;

I'm isolating myself,

I'm very much stuck in a cycle of overwhelm,

and then...

I feel like, from that point, I was like,

"Oh my God, I don't have plans with anyone at all going forward

period," so, like, trying to make plans,

being like, "Oh my God, my relationships,

I'm doing this in both of them."

I feel like I detached from being the main character of my

own life, and I was just kind of, like,

completely in the flotation of...

-[Orna] Mm-hm. -Existence.

Um...

Aryn, what are you thinking?

I just really proud.

I've, like... [laughs]

wanted this for so long, in terms of, like,

this deeper reflection and pause that Josh is able to

create.

And then it makes me think, "Okay, great,

a lot of things that I've wanted to solve are gonna be, like,

easier to solve."

Like...

him and Laura, my girlfriend...

[chuckles]

They were, like, fire and fire together.

They went through a messy breakup with each other,

and...

um, don't wanna really engage with each other,

and that's hard for me.

Just-- do you have any thoughts about Lorena talking about not

being kind of the main character of her own life?

-Oh... -[chuckles]

-[chuckles] -Yeah, I mean, that happened.

Sorry.

Laura's on her mind, apparently, pretty...clearly.

Well, yeah, she just came back and I got to see her...

[laughs]

You're laughing because?

We're laughing because, like, you were like,

"What am I thinking?"

And I was obviously thinking about Josh and Laura --

like, my partner.

-My other partner, you know? -[Orna] Right.

And then you were like, "Okay, how does that...."

And then you were like-- you drew me back to...

-[Orna] Right. -Lor-- how does...

Lorena not being the main character of her own life.

I was like, "Oh!

Wow, okay...

Refocusing."

It might also be playing out exactly what you're

talking about.

-[softly] Interesting. -Can you elaborate?

[Orna] Which is that you very easily recede.

Mm.

[Orna] The question to you is: what do you want?

♪bluesy rock music♪

♪♪♪

[Alexes VO] We had his niece staying with us,

and I love that kid.

But there is a core value difference sometimes

between us, where--

[Orna] What is it?

That I...

by force, obviously, because I don't have family;

like, this is my family, so...

this is my blood, sweat, and tears goes to what's

most beneficial for us.

Mm-hm.

[Alexes] And I don't think that's ever gonna be him.

And I feel like maybe we try to fight against it but it's just

your truth and it's my truth.

No, don't tell me what my truth is!

You come first, you have been my partner for the past six years,

I sleep in the bed with you.

All of the opinions that I've ever heard,

I'm still with you.

So please, tell me: what else do I have to do,

or what do you need to see to recognize that you are...

of the highest priority for me?

But it's-- it's not words, it literally actions.

-It's-- -What do you need to see?!

I mean, just to use one example is, like,

you know, when we talked about his niece, Alicia,

when I got home, the kitchen and our room--

living room situation was immaculately clean.

And I'm like, "We've been here two months.

But Alicia's coming, so it's gonna be clean!"

[Orna] Mm-hm.

And I'm not, like, upset about it,

but it just makes me feel...

less than.

This example that you gave about, like,

cleaning the apartment,

there are so many ways to read that.

You can read it in a hundred different ways, right?

Can you? [chuckles]

[Orna] Yeah.

Yeah, so this is kind of a neutral incident,

and you can project on it all sorts of stories.

But that's the real story! [chuckles]

[Orna] That's your story; it's not out in reality.

Mm, I don't know.

I don't know! Like, I can't...

For example,

one way you can interpret it, as you chose to do,

is "Well, obviously, his family will always be more important

than me.

And I don't have a family, so...

this is a painful gap."

Right? That's your overlay.

There could be other ways to interpret it, right?

Mmkay.

"There are so many people in the house,

maybe it would create, like, a really great vibe...

for things to be sparkling clean,"

or "I didn't have that as a kid.

I'm trying to give her an experience that I missed

as a kid."

Just write a story;

there are many ways that you can interpret that.

You're invested in this particular interpretation.

I hear that.

But I also have references to support that story.

[Orna] Your references are probably more projections...

of the thing that scares you!

[Alexes] I don't know.

He's said it multiple times in this room;

like, when we fight, you know, like...

like, I've, in the past, insulted, like...

-[Orna] His family. -Yeah.

You bring it up; it's a source of...

-[Alexes] Yeah. -Great pain for you.

But I do that because if I insult us or if I insult myself

or him, it's not gonna get a reaction.

If I insult his family, it'll get the highest

3,000-percent reaction immediately.

So, in a way, it's a way for you to prove your own theory.

Yeah!

And-- well, for him to prove it.

[Orna] Yeah, that you matter less.

Yeah!

[chuckling] And it works every time!

Every single time.

You're stuck on a certain story...

that is preventing you from trusting.

Yeah.

[Orna] So you could think about it differently.

♪unsettling ethereal music♪

[Orna VO] We're all in the grip of some kind of prison

through which we see reality.

♪♪♪

Often, couples, when they're busy fighting with each other,

they're reenacting things that happened to them in the past.

Their trauma is holding them hostage to a very particular way

of interpreting reality.

It can so easily make people see only part of reality because

they're in the grip of this unconscious frame.

♪♪♪

If you can see more, you are free from those patterns.

Suddenly, the world kind of -- pshoo -- opens.

I feel like we go through these really strong ups...

and then, we have, like, these catastrophic...

[chuckles]

-downs... -[Orna] Mm-hm.

Where I always think that that fight is the last fight

and then we're done.

And I don't know if it's my abandonment issues, and--

Meaning you're making your fear happen?

[Elíana] Yeah, yeah, yeah, like, thinking, like...

when he's like, "I need time," I'm like,

"Okay, you can go back to your mom's.

You can, like... If you need your--"

[Orna] That's what you're thinking, or you're saying?

I say it; I'm like, "If you need time,

you can go back to your mom's."

Why?

In the moment in which I'm saying "You can go,"

he said he needed a couple days...

[Orna] Mm-hm.

And I was like, "Okay, so those days,

just be at your mom's."

I didn't say I needed a couple of days away from you.

What started the conflict was

I came home from work and I asked her...

"Can I bother you for a long-winded hug?"

She says, "Look at me."

I look.

She says, "What are you reading?"

and then starts to list adjectives.

Like?

[Mitch] Upset, angry, tired...

I kind of already saw where this was going,

and I wasn't...

Wh-- where was it going?

[Mitch] It was going in a negative direction.

The hug was surface level.

What meant more than the hug was the vulnerability of me saying

"Can I have a hug -- a long-winded hug?"

I don't ask her for those.

What was happening there?

What-- why did you respond that way to the hug request?

I wanted to figure out...

what I was displaying to you that...

gave you...

the idea to ask.

I'm just trying to imagine, if someone asks you that kind of

question -- I mean, Mitchell's saying he's making himself

-vulnerable... -Right.

To respond with that kind of...

[Elíana] Questioning or whatever.

-"Why are you asking?" -[Elíana] Yeah.

It's a rejection.

I...

That wasn't the intention, but I can understand how it could be

-received that way. -But you can understand that the

two of you getting into this, like, kind of...

-[Elíana] Standoff, yeah. -Standoff --

like, "Who's gonna ask the question first?" --

what's goin' on?!

For me, it was just, like...

"I don't want...

to talk to you right now."

[Orna] "Because I'm feeling" what?

Were you hurt?

Were you...

-I was... -[Orna] Humiliated?

I-- I wasn't...

I wasn't hurt...

If you make yourself vulnerable and say "I want a hug" and

somebody says "No"...

I-- I'm-- I'm feeling impatient,

and I'm upset with myself because...

I keep putting myself out there...

for this disappointment.

You keep putting yourself out there to be disappointed,

to be...

turned down, rejected.

The rejection, I'm used to; the rejection wasn't the problem.

[Orna] Okay, that doesn't mean you don't have feelings.

Yeah, I mean, I do have feelings,

but the rejection wasn't the problem.

I'm sorry to, like, really insist here,

but I think you need to identify the actual feeling that it

provokes in you so Elíana can know what that does to you.

Otherwise, what-- she has nothing to work with.

I think the simplest thing is to assume you were at least hurt!

I guess.

[Orna] And Elíana needs to know that!

I-- I try not to fight with her, and...

I try to leave it alone, so that-- that very night...

[Orna] Mitchell...

what will make a big difference is,

rather than leave it alone or withdraw,

is you can say "Ow, that hurt."

[chuckles]

I can't say that to her.

I don't think that's something that she's prepared for --

taking ownership over the fact that she-- she inflicted that.

Meaning it will be hard for her to take accountability.

-[Mitch] Yes! -I don't know...

I feel like I just did.

You just did.

My intentions are never to hurt you.

But just the way I was pressing Mitchell to acknowledge that he

-was hurt... -[Elíana] Mm-hm.

I'd like to press you to understand what you were feeling

and what you were doing by saying "Go to your mom."

Self-preservation.

[Orna] Because you were frightened of?

I was...

more so upset-- don't...

[laughing] don't disrespect me, don't disrespect me like that!

I'm not soft, bro, get up outta here.

[laughing] Fuck outta here.

I was trying to, like, save him...

because if he were to be in the crib with me and...

not participating while we're already at a stalemate,

I'ma fuckin' lose my shit.

You were afraid of what would come out of you?

Oh, abso-fucking-lutely.

[softly] No cursing.

No, absolutely. [laughing] Get outta here!

In a way, you were trying to manage the intensity of your

feelings.

[Elíana] Yeah.

-[Orna] You can say that. -[laughs]

Rather than say "Go to your mom," you can say...

-In that situation-- -[Orna] Hold on!

You can say "I'm having a really hard time,

I-- I'm...

This is provoking, like, really strong feelings in me."

Nah.

I think, in that situation, he would've--

he would've said something back.

'Cause we were already so pressed--

But you're both telling me that you're too scared to say things

-to each other. -Absolutely!

But why can't you say "I'm having a hard time?"

Because I don't wanna be weak. [laughs]

Like, I don't wanna be, like, soft about it and be like,

"I'm having a tough time," and then he roasts me for it?!

When have I ever roasted you for you telling me "I've had a

tough time?"

I-- I think I struggle with doing that with you because I

don't do that with anybody!

You can't be vulnerable.

I don't like...

being in that position.

Okay, what you call being "weak" is being courageous.

You need to be saying "I'm having a hard time,

this conflict is really difficult for me."

You need to be saying "That hurt me."

That's...

talking about real stuff,

instead of posturing.

I'm-- I'm trying to kind of think of a simple way that

we can...

work on something that I think is key for the two of you.

Okay.

[Orna] Do you wanna hurt the other person when you're hurt?

Or do you wanna chose another way...

♪tender mellow music♪

where you allow yourselves to be vulnerable with each other and

to trust each other...

and to be brave that way?

♪♪♪

♪Stay a while♪

♪Maybe stay a while on the surface♪

♪Sometimes the harder thing♪

♪Could be the right thing to do♪

♪And maybe it's true♪

♪What they say♪

♪All that is lost will♪

♪Fall into place♪

♪Given time♪

♪♪♪