Original subtitles

This isn't the usual kind of a place you'd expect to

find some action, but a friend of mine got lucky

here yesterday and we shot, oh, that is more

than promising. We have definitely got a show going on right here, so I'm going

to park up.

There's some dodgy people around.

Now, you can never be too careful these days, but let's see who we've got in

this car and if they're gonna give us a show.

Okay, look at, oh.

Hello, you don't mind if I'm, oh.

You don't mind if I film, do you?

Let's go around to the other side.

Great. Get the wind down.

Are you all right?

Hi. Hello, hello.

Are you all right?

That's super.

Once you've failed, yeah?

No. I've got really cold hands.

Are you sure?

Yes, I am.

She's absolutely terrific.

Aren't you?

I'll have a good go, eh?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

She's enjoying that, isn't she? Huh?

You're enjoying that, aren't you? Hey!

You all right?

You all right? You all right?

Oh,

for fuck's sake, will someone just get on with it?

Excuse me mate, can I ask you a quick question?

Nah. Do you know what dogging is?

Dogging? Yeah. Uh, me, I don't want to tell. You sure, mate? Uh, I don't know.

Dogging.

Do you know what it is? No, thanks.

Oh, mate, honestly, you'd be perfect.

I've heard of it, but you'll have to enlighten me on it. I was wondering if

either of you lovely ladies have heard of dogging.

Oh, yes.

You don't know anyone who's ever been dogging?

i don't know what it means exactly i've seen it so

have you ever heard of talking yes would you go talking with me my girlfriend

don't know but i've been twice have you ever heard of talking do either of you

know what talking is

I am a respected member of the public.

I'm a soldier, mate. Honestly, when you're deep in there at rates and you

look and somebody else is watching, you've got to turn on.

Do you know what talking is?

Hi. Get in the back of the car. You're getting some of that.

Some of that.

Get in the back of the car, like.

You're getting sent in a fucking taxi.

Go there.

Turn left.

Oh, there you are. There you are.

Morning, mate. Morning, mate.

What are you doing, you twat?

Nothing. Eh?

What is your diameter?

What? Fucking hell.

Here, get a smell of that, mate.

Ah! Get a smell of that.

Fucking prick.

Hey, man, string.

Diameter of your cup, you string.

That's circumference, mate.

Yeah, well, divide by pi.

Did you go to school?

Yeah, I must have more than you.

Yes, I must.

Didn't even revise.

You're using my credit card again, eh?

Yeah.

Quick, get it.

Will, please can you sort this out, please?

I haven't got it out. I'll pay you back, don't worry.

What? So they'll pay you back. Alright.

When?

Signing on today, mate. I'm going to be loaded.

East of England, 8 inches.

It's good, isn't it?

Not really.

Alliteration, mate.

Alliteration. I'm a journalist.

Alliteration. Yeah, Tanya's over here.

Yeah. So?

Are you going to meet up with her? Or are you just going to exchange

measurements? Move along, I'll show you what's done. Move along, I'll show you

what's done.

Move along, I'll show you what's done.

Move along, I'll show you what's done.

You've got to play with them a bit, man.

You've got to get her interested.

Ask her.

Mate,

meet up and find out.

That's all you've got to do. Nah, I don't want to write that, mate. You

don't want to send it, do you not? Definitely.

Definitely don't want to send it, but I've sent it.

Yeah, so what are you going to do about it?

Mate, see what she sends back, man. She might be your dirty cow.

Laura!

Have you seen my car keys?

They're by the phone.

Are you sure? I've looked. Yeah, they're there.

Dad. What?

That tie is minging.

Ah, you're right, pet.

What would I do, eh?

Mate, can you fuck off?

Oh, I'll wait, man. What are you being like that for? Are you in a mood?

No. Are you in a mood? What are you in a mood for?

Mate, get off me.

Hey, man, Tanya's a weird man.

Yeah, say what? I wish she's not fucking any of you.

What the fuck do you know about her, mate? Is she fucking you? Yeah, she is.

Mate, that's the four years.

But it's the same last one. Maybe it's time to call it a day.

You know what I mean? Yeah, but just... Can you shut up? What are you in a chat

room for?

Doing a bit of research, aren't I? Research? What, unwanting?

Yeah. Well, you're doing very well, mate. Come here, man. Let me sort it

out. Ooh, careful.

What, me clean the house? What, do you want to live on the streets, like?

Fair enough, it's a showflap.

It's a fucking showflap, bro. Do you want to go out? Do you want to live with

your girlfriend?

Do you want to go live with your family, the deity?

Why don't you go live with none, none, none?

Boys.

Hello darling, how are you?

I'm not going to have kids.

Alright.

Driving in your coupe, you think you're flooker. I got the rhymes, you got the

beats, yeah.

Scratch it back, bring it on tack.

Let's go and get a little bit Big Mac.

Have a little bit of burger.

I'll take you out, you want to have a bit of fur burger.

Because you is a batty, batty boy.

I'll take you outside and I'll give you a sex toy.

Let me give me the mic, let me just tell him what he's like. He's like a little

poof and I fucking hate me. It's like he's on a bike, riding around, giving

a... Everybody the sound, what's going on? We're going underground.

This is MC Rob, when he's ten foot long.

Coming along, just in a video clip, I've had a bong. I'm just out of my face, it

ain't no disgrace.

I'm just walking around here like I'm in Amsterdam or some other place.

I'll read.

You're on the same wavelength.

No, but seriously, man. The voices of the future, man. They're beautiful, you

know, because husband guns, they need to sell out. And who do they call?

Moi. I tell you what, man, I love being a feminist here. Do you know what I'm

telling you, lads?

It's a four-bedroom house, so we did it in each one, eh?

Including the dual master bedroom on the ex-marital bed.

And then she took us dogging.

Fuck off.

Mate, that happened exactly where you're sitting now.

See, this isn't fucking being a journalist, man. What do the best

fucking journalists do? They fucking try it, you know what I mean? Stop being a

fucking poof.

Fucking do it now.

Soon.

To be honest, mate, it's not my idea of a good night going and fucking some girl

with a hairy arse and club foot.

I like girls who've got teeth.

So, well then, you're not a fucking journalist, man. What's your story,

yeah? What's your headline?

What's different?

What's your scoop? Where's your fucking angle?

Come on, you twat.

What are you doing?

I've got to call Tanya. Man, get over it, you little poof.

She's on a business trip.

Well, you've got a big fucking chuggy in her mouth now, son.

I've never been on a business trip before.

It's dead exciting.

It's not too short, is it?

Who owns the road, mate? I own the road.

I own the road.

My name's Rod and I own the road.

He's on the fucking road.

Hey, mother!

Sound is out, isn't it?

What?

Can I get out and walk, please? No, you can't, man. It's only round the corner.

Don't be like that.

So, what? You just turn up, yeah? Flash your lights, is that it?

What? Dogging?

Aye, basically.

But not your teal lights.

Why?

Why? Are you a geek or something?

No. Are you?

No, are you?

No, shut up. Tear lights are strictly for the back door, boys.

Right, I'll make a note.

Eh? You're puffed, get your tear lights on.

Flashing the inside lights as an invite to spectate.

Here, window roll down. Whoa, whoa, whoa, interior lights? I thought it was

headlights.

Window roll down, see as Edward, here to join you.

A bit complicated, isn't it? You'll get the hang of it, mate. Well, I won't, I'm

not coming talking with you. No, but you could have sex with this funny reed.

And you didn't even have to buy a drink first, so it's perfect for you.

Because you haven't got a pot to piss in.

Go on, you twat.

When did every fucker in Newcastle turn into a twat, everybody?

Anyone should have, I mean, you didn't even grow up here. It's always been full

of twats, twats. I know.

Dude, you're just a twat.

If this trouble's here, I'm going to get some interviews on the way.

Are you interviewing me?

All right. Oh, you will? Okay. All right. Ready?

Happy with your hair? You have to send this off to BBC or something. Yeah, I

will. Don't worry.

OK, so, Rob.

Yeah. Why do you go dogging?

Erm... Have you heard of dogging at all?

Yes, I have.

You have?

I have. And what do you know about it?

Spill when you've got a gun in the car, innit, and start having sex with

randomers.

To be honest, I thought dogging at first was when you had sex with Don Clay.

No.

So this is for you to write to me? Yeah. I'm just trying to find out different

things. So this isn't going on anywhere?

No, it's not going on telly or anything.

All right, so I'm not going to get any phone calls or any birds. Probably not,

no. No, that is. No, I wouldn't worry about it.

You trying to look at me chucky?

How did you do that? You trying to look at me chucky?

Dogging is doggy style.

No, it's not. It's when you're in a car and someone starts.

Try and have the gun with you.

Something like that.

Dog and his doggy style.

When you hang out at the back of them.

Oh, when you hang out at the back of the car? No, when you hang out at the back

of either a male or female, like.

And would you ever go, either of you?

Not with him.

Obviously not together as a partnership.

Yeah, I would do that.

No. Would I get gay?

No. No, because I'd have 32 for men.

No, it's not when you take one. I don't want to do that. If you watch porn.

Nine-inch chucky. Very pleased for you, Rob.

No way. I couldn't be happier. So?

You get your chucky out, why would I be bothered about people watching me slap

my big fat chucky into our lasses bendy fat blurt? Wait, it's not that fat.

It's kind of nice.

I'm gonna make sure you're gonna chill this, sorry, sir.

No, probably shouldn't let Sarah see this.

If you're watching this, sir, I'm sorry.

James, it says here that you've not been attending job club.

I don't want to go job club. Why is that?

Because I don't have to go job club.

James, in your particular case, as a member of the long-term unemployed, the

continuation of your benefit is dependent upon you continuing to go to

the job club. Not everyone has to go to the job club.

You have to attend job club for 13 weeks, and after that period of time, if

you've got a job, then obviously job club stops.

But if you've managed to find work of your own, if you've set up your own

business, then we can offer you a grant towards any capital equipment. What?

There's free cash there, isn't there? It's not free cash. If you buy, if you

purchase equipment, which helps you... Get new food.

Yes. Any phone I wanted.

We would give up a portion of the money needed for that phone, yes.

But you've not been actively seeking employment. Yeah, I've been active.

What have you been doing?

Planning for my business.

And what business is that?

It's like a pimping business.

Pimp?

Yeah, well, basically, right, I go round, get these girls, like, want to

see Amy, Donna, Emma, Gemma.

Excuse me. Dean?

Is that right?

Yes, that goes first.

You alright, mate?

I'm not being funny, Mr Dole, but how am I going to look after my business if I'm

at Job Club cleaning toilets and picking up leaves?

Do you know what I mean?

Excuse me. OK, come on.

There's my thing.

Thank you.

Right, so what have you been doing to find work?

Well, I've been doing all sorts. I mean, obviously, I've trained as a journalist,

so obviously I write letters and I've been to a couple of interviews.

I'll bring you some of my work. Two interviews. How many letters a week

would you say you...

You're writing away for jobs.

I've got to put something in the box.

Two or three, five or ten?

More than ten? Five or ten.

Okay.

I'm a journalist, so I like to write and stuff.

Very good.

And emails?

You want my email?

Have you applied for jobs via email?

Yes. Yes, you have. And how many?

Just roughly, probably about. See you.

Know what I mean?

We ain't working hard now.

Hiya, Tanya speaking.

Someone's got their business voice on.

I'm afraid I'm a bit busy right now.

Oh, sorry.

Shall I call you back later?

Yes,

please. Tomorrow would be good.

I was just ringing up to see how it's going.

No, it's... going. Is it something urgent?

Well, I was just bringing in to tell you what, really.

I've got stuff to be getting on with, so I'll let you go. Would that involve the

internet? Well, yes, doing, you know, my work, yes.

Work isn't the internet, Dan. It's going out and actually doing something.

Your boss isn't working you too hard, is he?

That old Winston?

Right there.

Right there, girls.

You all right?

Could I have your numbers, please?

No. Why not?

Because we don't know you.

So what? You can get to know me.

All right?

All right, all right. What's your name?

You all right?

I'm just being polite. You all right?

Are you new then? Because I haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah?

Could I have your number please?

No. Would you want mine?

So what are you doing at college then?

Sorry mate.

What are you doing at college?

Learning obviously.

You studying out?

Go on, just give me your number.

I'm an alright person, you know.

I'm not an idiot.

I'm not a nutter.

Could I have it? You want me number?

Yeah.

Hang about a second.

You twat!

No, not you, man.

I was just wondering when you're next getting talking. Eh?

Are you going tonight?

Are you coming?

Maybe. I don't know.

Are you planning another excursion? Any time soon?

Where are you? I just thought I could tag along with you and Sarah.

Where are you?

Look, what's piking?

Watching.

Reverse buckaroo.

You're in the back seat.

She struggles, yeah?

Face on the windscreen. Why, in a minute?

Yeah, it'll be done.

I think I can get it up, mate, with your ugly face in the car, do you know what I

mean? Yeah, man, once you get going, you won't even know I'm there, man.

Why didn't you ask that horny Geordie lass?

Fuck off, man, I'm sorry.

Easy,

man, easy, I'm on the tooth.

All right.

Tonight, 8 o'clock, cart bar next to the ducks.

Yeah, anyway, I've got to go.

I've got a lot of properties to show.

Clients. How did you get into it?

How did people not get into it? It's around.

It's something to do.

Okay. And do you go on your own or with other people?

No, it's become more complicated as it's become more feminized, I think would be

the... More feminized? Yes.

I.e. the women are in control of it now.

Sorry, have you ever had any bad experiences?

Personally, only with police being a little bit irritating.

Right.

What's happened?

Do they come and try and close it down? They just spend a lot of time, but they

could spend better dealing with crimes rather than dealing with, you know,

victimless crimes.

Sure, sure. OK.

There's a bone house around here, innit?

Well posh, sort of.

Do you know what I mean? Like, upper class.

Are you upper class? Would you say you were upper class?

Eh?

Sort of nice gardens and that.

Hey-oh, hey-oh, hey-oh.

They look like drums, though, don't they?

They do look like drums, granted, innit?

I seen you at college and I thought you were sort of really pretty, but I see

you...

I'd say he was really pretty but then he's probably nice inside as well.

I don't mean rude nice inside, I just mean he's probably as nice on the inside

as you are on the outside, you know what I mean?

You remember my name?

Fuck off.

Would you be my Bonnie to the Bonnie and Clyde? If the father came to come, would

you help me hide? And if I came to pick you up in a... That's a smart call that

is, isn't it Dad?

If I came to pick you up in a stolen ride, would you decide to roll with me?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Laura, what the bloody hell's going on?

What's your game, lad, eh?

My name's Jim.

Jim? I didn't ask you your bloody name, son. What are you doing at my front

door? Would it be all right if I spoke to Laura, please? No, you can't speak to

her. Why?

Because I'm her dad and I say so, right?

I don't know. Wrong line.

Look, I'm her father, right? You don't speak to her. Now, fuck off. Now.

I ain't done nothing wrong today.

You've done something wrong knocking on my fucking front door, son. Piss off. Go

on.

Go on on your fucking bike.

Can I just put you on, please? I'll tell you what.

Fucking on your bike, yeah. I'll tell you what. I'll cut your fucking balls

off. All right, mud-ass.

You twat.

putting with you doing that, you know?

Why'd you call it?

My investigative journalism.

You look like a sort of futuristic nurse.

What's your boss going to think of you, eh? Like that or like that?

I can just, um, just like that.

How about like that? Just stop it.

Alright, no, no, I'm joking, I'm joking. What about like that? Like that?

Yeah. So just go like that? Just go like that? Yeah.

Alright, I'm here for work.

Mm-hmm.

I've got to look nice.

Yeah, nice, not clear all nice and easy.

Put the little feline numbers on.

Go on, see if you can get them on.

That's a little bit special, isn't it?

What would Winston make of me and these, eh?

Winston?

He's my boss, Dan. I don't think he's got an opinion on footwear.

Don't start.

I don't know him or anything.

He just found his home.

Who's that pet?

Jim.

How do you know he's called Jim if you don't know him?

Because he told us. How do you think?

You know, Dad, I can't look after myself.

Unlike Summer.

Are you doing something with your hair?

No.

Sometimes you look just like your mother did.

It helps if you turn out like Hegel.

Laura? Laura?

What did we say about locking doors?

Listen, you don't want to be hanging around with lads like that Jim

character, man. He's a Torag, man. He's just after one thing.

I can't... Listen,

I know it's difficult for you to understand, Pet.

But your mum, she wasn't a good woman.

We both know that.

Even if we don't like it.

You don't have to go the same way, Laura.

You don't have to go the same way.

Oh, just me dad.

I had to get in.

I'm walking down now. I'll be there in half an hour.

oh all mysteries

Hey, there's a van over there.

Can you see that white van?

Yeah, it's fucking brilliant, mate.

Leon?

You all right?

Give me some respect on this tune.

Give us some respect.

Oh, you're a good dancer.

Maybe it's flashed the lights or something.

Look, you know, Art, he's blatantly here for it.

I reckon he is.

Nothing over there.

The light's there.

The van is definitely here, mate.

Look at him. Just sitting there.

It's really like some professional dogger with a mattress on the back.

Hello?

Why, there's someone over there. There's someone over on the van.

I don't believe it.

Go away.

I'll have another shot.

Are you up?

How are you? Jim, what are you doing here? What are you doing here?

Just spotted you from the... I'm waiting for some friends.

Are you?

Yeah. Just been over to make the DJ.

Like, I've just been... This is... What?

Seeming the DJ boss, like.

You didn't see it?

I'm not in the mood, Jim.

Why don't you just stick with it and I'll buy you a drink?

I'm a good dancer.

Do you want me to move on? Go on, go on.

Bye.

Right there, ladies.

There's some definite breakage going on there.

He's probably raking himself off, isn't he, Sarah?

Sarah.

Hello?

Here comes another.

Oh,

there's a different bit of dog in there, mate.

Cheeky little dogger. Oh, he's got his back lights on.

Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no. Brake lights.

See if that guy's going to come over now.

No. Still happy with his cheeky little white van.

This is the thing about dogging.

OK.

Rob? Oh, for fuck's sake!

Fucking hell!

Rob, fucking hell, let me out!

Alright, man, chill out. Fucking hell.

I didn't fucking spot you, did I? You didn't come here to watch your little

wank off, did I?

Fucking hell.

You've got to start all the fucking cars, man.

You've got to know how to explain what to do to my boss.

You must be joking.

What if I, er... He's one of them joggers.

Sorry. Can I help you? What are you doing?

Wait, what?

Oi!

Get back here!

Sorry, I'll just... Get back in this car now!

Get back!

Oh, yes, that's amazing.

Beautiful. Oi, don't waste the chips, mate. OK, OK.

Have a good night, yeah? Yeah, sure. All right. All right. Don't waste the chips.

Don't waste the chips. There's, like, good chips there.

It's good down here. The ducks and that.

All right.

I'm not having this.

If you don't behave, you won't be going on holiday.

Eat your chips and behave.

Bit of a chip fight going on?

Yeah. Little chip fight.

In the night. Joke.

That was a really bad joke.

No, it's alright.

Sorry, I'm... No, I thought they were down here for the...

You know.

But, obviously, just here for the chips.

Oh, God.

Carlos Peter.

They obviously are here for the...

Yeah.

Wake all the animals up.

It's Dan, by the way.

I'm Laura.

Pleased to meet you.

That's embarrassing, isn't it?

Sweet. Yeah.

Is that your mate?

No.

It's always... No.

Dan looks like he's pulled.

Oi. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Don't look.

I wasn't looking at them. I'm not looking. I wasn't looking. Yes, you

were. I'm definitely not looking. I'm trying to avoid looking.

No, I was just glancing.

Come on, Dan!

Have you done this before?

Right, well... Done what before?

Eh?

Eh?

Done what before?

Come down and feed the ducks, have you?

I'm going to have to get off though, really.

I thought... I like your shoes.

Thanks. Favourite shoes ever.

These are my only shoes ever.

There's a bit of footsie there.

Look at

yourself

in the mirror.

Look off, Mabel.

Shall I get your number, like?

Ham and pineapple.

Did you just drop that? No, I didn't. I just dropped it. What did you do with

that? You dropped it. Yeah.

Yeah, you did. I know.

Yeah. I can't believe the ham and pineapple condom.

Well, a couple of days ago, we were on about going up to the lighthouse up at

Whitley Bay.

If you do fancy it, like, we are going to probably go up there.

If you like vlogging.

Fine. Go.

Oh, there's no need to be like that. No way.

No?

All right, but... All right.

What? No, no, no. You go, because I don't want you... Thank you.

You can keep that.

I'll see you at the lighthouse, yeah?

Yeah. It's lovely to meet you, anyway. Yeah, nice to meet you.

Yeah.

The dark brooding trees loomed in the background like angry disapproving gods.

Oi! But this reporter asked disapproving of what?

Dogging is life flushing its headlights at you, knocking on the window and

grabbing what's inside.

What will it be?

Sex with a stranger? Or possibly love?

Or death hope for love?

It's easy to take the piss, isn't it? Oh, you think so, do you? Yeah.

A woman like you.

What's this?

What will it be?

Perhaps therein lies the appeal, the secret thrill.

It's not finished.

But just who is a dogger?

Rather, let us ask, who isn't?

Old people.

Young people, doctors, lawyers, binmen.

From every walk of life they come.

For dogging is as British as warm beer and old

maids.

Dogging.

Dogging, dogging. Try it. You'll like it. Or maybe you already have.

Yeah, it's more about the way you read it, really. It's like kind of...

Dogging, I don't know.

Do you like it? Despite this sterling effort, you have been unable to find

work as a journalist.

What are you doing at Job Club, then?

What do you think, mate? There ain't nothing about.

Nothing about.

Personally, I used to be sort of a bit of a player like with the ladies.

Right. Bit of a player and that.

You're a player, isn't it?

But I've met this... I met a right stunner the other day.

Yeah? Yeah.

Mint, mate, believe.

Gorgeous girl.

I mean, she's, like, more into me than I am her, like, but I can deal with that

because... She's beautiful.

Is she, mate? Yeah.

She makes me, like, feel dead good about myself and she gives me them, like...

You know when you get butterflies and sort of tingles and warm shake, you know

what I mean, when you shake because you see a girl?

Do you know what I mean, though?

Yeah, sort of, mate. Gorgeous girl, mate, believe me.

Can I ask you a question, mate? Of course you can.

What's a nice, lovely girl who makes you shake?

What's she doing with you?

Eh? Eh?

Alright.

When's your girlfriend then?

Have you got a girlfriend?

Shut up then.

That's a bad thing.

Yep. What's that?

Right, alright.

I'm just saying, it's no way to answer the phone, is it?

All right, just stop going on about it. Where are you, anyway?

Job club.

Fucking gash.

Well, that's a surprise. I thought you'd be with that prick, Rob.

Why are you always going on about it? Don't start. You know I don't like him.

Why? Because he's a prize, Fanny. Yeah, well, at least he's looking after me,

isn't he?

Yes, I know he lets you sleep on his study.

There's no chance you're sleeping on mine.

You're the one with the degree. You should be looking after me.

Cheers, Fanny. I'm just a local clamplet.

Yeah.

What? Work's just really getting on my tits at the moment.

Yeah, tonight.

Where?

I don't know.

Usual place.

Yep, I'll see you there.

Love you. You too. Bye.

Bye.

She fucks you about.

I've got someone that I can trust. You're only fucking jealous because

you've gotten out.

You've just got a slag. What's a girl like that can go and do those things?

You don't think that she's... Fuck off. Tanya would go. You know Tanya would go.

I don't think so. Tanya would go.

Hey, man, she'd go. She could fucking fit this car by Fanny.

She'd go there.

I doubt it.

She'd go there.

You reckon?

Aye.

Come on, Tanya, get in the car.

I'm not fucking getting in that.

Get in the car, Tanya.

No, it's got all that shit on it. Tanya, get in the car.

You all right?

I've been better.

We should cut it again.

Excuse me, sir, is this your car?

But you're not an estate agent, are you?

So what are people going to think? Are they going to think that my boyfriend's

an estate agent?

No, they're not. They're going to think my boyfriend is pretending to be an

estate agent. Or they might just see the sticks on the car and think that's an

estate agent.

Everyone knows.

Everyone knows that you're still my boyfriend and you haven't got a job.

Does everyone know?

Does he know?

No.

Excuse me, mate.

Dan, man. Excuse me. Shut up.

She doesn't know.

Such a fucking child.

Such a fucking child.

That was awful.

Yeah? It's actually getting worse.

Poppadum.

You know I don't like them?

Well, I... That was so funny.

How's work?

What?

I don't want you to ask because you think you have to. I want you to ask

because you want to. I just asked how work was going. I want you to ask us how

work was, but I don't want you to ask us because you think you have to ask us. I

didn't think I had to. I just bloody asked how work was. What's wrong with

that?

Because you felt like you had to.

I don't want you to feel like you have to. I want you to just do it. I didn't

ask because I thought I had to. I asked because I wanted to know how work was.

Why have you been making a big thing of it?

I'm not making a big thing out of it. It's not as if you ever ask me what I'm

doing, is it? I know what you do.

Fuck all, that's what you do.

Oh, what?

Sitting at home all day?

Rob's flat, is it? The internet?

Yeah, oh, so stressful.

Hello, can I get you anything? Oh, hi, what will I sell you? Oh, hi, can I help

you? Hi, can I help you?

Hi, fuck off.

Hi, brilliant job.

How many walls did you paint?

What colour were they? Did you take a packed lunch? Did your feet get cold?

Oh, was it horrible?

Well, where's the excitement, Dan? Where's it gone?

All right, do you want to do something exciting?

What, we're going to go to a different Indian restaurant?

No, I won't get your coat.

We're gonna go and do something.

What are you doing?

We're not fucking staying here, are we? Come on, let's go.

Cheers, yeah?

Poppadoms are fucking lovely.

Tanya, come on, we're going.

Alright!

What we're doing here?

Well?

We'll find out.

Born in good time.

Done. What?

Don't turn them on, alright?

You're so bloody childish.

I'm not being childish, I'm just... The fuck was that all about?

Well, I'm just saying don't put the lights on, that's all.

It's killing the apnoea, isn't it?

Don't start.

What?

What? What?

Well, you're not going to try and kiss me?

Don't be ridiculous.

Damn, man.

Look, we're not 17 anymore.

Yes, I know.

You know, maybe if you had a job, then you'd have some money, then you could

have a flat, then you'd have somewhere to take us when you wanted to fuck

instead of complaining all the time, then driving out into a cart park in the

middle of frigging nowhere.

I thought you'd like it. Oh, aye, it's lovely.

Don't roll down the window.

Why?

Howdy.

Alright. Yeah, what's up?

What does he want?

Um... Well, you could come over to our place.

It's the big camper van, over that way.

The missus, she likes it both ways, if you know what I mean.

Bring your fella there.

He might want to watch.

Damn. Um... Have you, um... You've heard of dogging,

yeah?

What?

What's wrong with you, mate? I thought you wanted excitement.

You're with a fucking man that looks like Freddy the Lion!

I don't look like Freddy the Lion. Alright, mate.

Looks nice.

What are you gonna have him?

He's got a bow tie on.

Oh my god, then I'll open me legs. Do you know what I mean? Fucking hell.

What are you doing?

I'm getting out.

Tanya! Don't Tanya me.

He said you wanted excitement.

I fucking want it. This is what I've been... I

don't believe it.

He's got a bow tie on.

Hey, wait.

Hey, here we are.

Can you be quiet, please?

It's the public, boss. Have a bit of respect.

Laura.

You all right, Laura?

It's Jim.

Do you remember me?

Don't mind them. They're all from bad backgrounds, like broken homes.

You know what I mean? Cancel houses and that.

They're all right. They're not like bad people or anything. They're just... They

ain't got no else to do, so they're just a bit loud and... You know what I mean?

So they look really

nice. They look dead pretty.

In fact, they look stunning.

You know what I mean? You're like a lightbulb in the middle of a bus.

Just shine with your beauty.

You hungry?

Think fast.

You a bit hungry?

I'm starving.

Do you want to come out for something to eat with me?

Maybe.

I'm paying, like.

I don't have to even go out. I'll pay for the whole lot.

Go to the library if you want.

What are you getting off here for? It's in the middle of nowhere.

What are you getting off here?

Look. Jane, I'm really kind of fucking fed up with things, and there's this big

fucking dog and meat at St. Mary's Lighthouse tonight, so I thought I'd go

along and have sex with a stranger.

Okay? Can you move over, please?

Oh, you said just watch me.

Rob, mate.

Dan, where the fuck are you?

Look, mate, I've gone to the fucking car park with Tanya. She's run off. I don't

know where the fuck she is.

Time to fuck off.

Sarah says hello.

I've looked around the car park twice. Dan says hello.

Rob?

What are you asking me for, man? Just fucking get out the car. I can't help

you.

Fuck.

Fuck you now.

Nothing to see here, mate.

Mate, fuck off. There's nothing to see.

No.

Mate, the fuck will hear you.

Fuck off. We're gonna see what's been wanked.

It's just so hard.

Oh, of course it is, sweetheart.

But it's not what you think.

It's just sometimes it's like... You need to go kick up the arse.

Well, I hate to say it, but that's one thing about guys.

They can be real bastards when they want to be.

It was the same with the two of us.

It really was, before we started dogging.

Brilliant action going on over there.

But, uh, the camera shouldn't...

I don't know what's going on here, but...

Oh,

it's that little... How about another cup of tea? Another cup of tea? Yeah,

thank you.

Hey,

would you like to see some pictures of our grandchildren?

I've never seen nothing like it.

That's great, man. Hey, it's a backseat Mambo.

No, no, no, it's not, man. What is it?

You're right, that's a reverse buggeroo. Aye, it is. That's mint.

Suspension's working a treat there, look.

In a Nissan hatchback, a white wrench. I know.

Look at the trim on it. That's amazing.

Right there, perfect.

Want to get a couple of hours on that?

No, thanks.

It's a one-litre engine, man.

That's really rare.

That's dead rare, that one.

I know, it's brilliant, man. Look. Why, Reg?

It's a good little runner as well.

Dan?

Laura. Hiya.

How you doing, all right? I told you I'd come.

Two seconds.

Right.

Oh, come on, Dan.

I brought the ham and pineapple.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

Been resting that night.

You alright, pet?

See anything interesting tonight?

Fuck off.

The mouth on that.

The mouth on that.

Thanks, lad.

Oh, I like that.

Oh, I like that one. Come on, a bit faster.

That's it, that's it. I like that one.

Cautious one, isn't it?

Putting us off.

Another time, yeah?

See you.

Tanya?

Laura?

Where have you been? Just getting in the car.

James, I'm not in the mood.

Look, I've just come down here to see if you're alright.

I'm fine.

Are you okay? Where have you been?

I'm fine.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm fine. None of these have messed about with you? No,

James, I'm fine. I swear to God they... Fucking weirdo's pervert!

Stonking bastard!

Tanya?

Stop whinging like a fanny and get in the car.

Look, I was thinking, yeah?

I've got some steak and kidney pie left in my pocket.

Do you want to come with me to go and feed the ducks?

You don't have to snog us.

But you can if you want.

I can't wait to do that.

I know.

I'm the same. I'm the same.

Shut up and walk this hall.

Well?

I've been thinking.

What have you been thinking?

Where the fuck have you been?

Maybe I was wrong.

About what?

About us. About this.

What? What the fuck are you talking about?

No.

Shut up.

Daniel, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's just fucking talk.

I know the lassie who swings those hips.

I know the lassie with those red lips.

It's me, sweetheart. Your future lover.

Daniel, there's fucking two blokes outside.

Dan, we're dogging. Fuck off.

What? Shut the fuck up and dog.

Daniel, there's another one over there fucking having a wank.

Oi!

You've just fucked me.

You've turned the fucking light off.

Daniel, stop it!

Foxy! Fucking hell.

Fuck off!

Okay, it's on.

Velasquez, a question? So, okay, what did you think?

I thought it was mint.

It was really exciting.

Mint and exciting?

Yes, Dan.

Exciting? What, like, jumping out of a plane is exciting?

It was a turn-on.

And it was something new and exciting and different.

And I want to go again.

This wasn't me trying to find us a new hobby, Tanya. This was me showing you

what I was researching, that's all.

OK? It was an accident. I didn't mean for that to happen. I was just showing

you what I was researching. You didn't mean for it to happen?

You drove up to a doggon site and you didn't mean... I didn't think you'd be

wandering off with the first stranger to put his head through the window, did I?

I was just showing you what I was doing. Look, it's... You know, I'm glad you

came, I'm glad you saw what I was researching, but that's it, you know,

it's over now. So you're never going back?

You're not being serious?

Yes.

And I think you should.

What? Well, is it not important for your research to actually go and fucking

research it?

That is possible, Tanya. You know, if I was researching serial killers, I

wouldn't go...

Are you researching serial killers, Dan?

No. No, you're researching dogging. Something that's happening on the

fucking doorstep. All I'm saying is, research is important.

If you want to be a proper journalist, you've got to go out there and do it. If

you're going to fanny on on the internet, it's not exactly cutting-edge

journalism, is it? So you want me to take you dogging again, then, because

I'm researching it for an article?

Yes. No.

Look, I don't want to go again, all right?

Right, fine, I'll find someone who does.

You are wonderful sweetheart

You're telling me bloody lies again, aren't you? No, it's not. He's a friend

with a sword. Bloody hell. You're telling us lies again. Friend with a

sword. I'm not telling you lies.

Listen, I'm not having it in my house, right? I hate you, Dad. I hate you. I'm

not bloody having it.

You could let us know.

Is that her?

No, I'm going.

And I'm not calling the big meet at the leave district either.

Oh, no.

It's all right.

It's a police van. It's a fucking police car.

It's a fucking police car.

But I was starting to get into it. So you wind the window down and they're

peering in.

I know, but honestly, I believe this man. It's fucking amazing.

Is there anyone there?

Can you hear someone?

There's no one there. Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

I can see someone.

It's fucking blindfolded. Oh, fucking hell. Fuck off, mate.

It's fucking wanking, Tanya. Stop it.

Stop it.

I just fucking spunked on a fucking windscreen. Fucking hell. I broke it

off.

I take clients into that car today and find a Johnny on the passenger seat.

Is he again?

This is your last chance. Now get in there and prove to me that you should

still be here.

You understand?

Do you understand?

Well, look like you mean it.

Get in there and show me that you deserve being paid at the end of this

week. This is your last chance, Rob. Now get in there and get out of my sight.

What? What do you mean, what?

In the shower you could knock or something.

Oh, right.

You fucking off then?

Had your fun and now you're fucking off? I don't know who the fuck you think you

are, you little shit.

I mean, what do you know about me?

What do you know about anything?

Rob's a lovely boy.

Yeah.

But I like dogging more.

So, I'm gonna get a cab.

And I am going to go to the Lake District tonight.

Of course I really like her.

She wouldn't be my girlfriend if I didn't like her, would she?

How many other car-parks has she painted and displayed in?

Here?

What?

You met her going, you know, she goes dogging. It's my fucking girlfriend.

Do I ask you about fucking slaggy Tanya?

You're talking about trust, can you trust her?

I'm just wondering.

Well, of course I'm serious about that.

Someone old enough to be your mum. Let me ask you a few questions.

Let me ask you a few questions, shall I?

Listen,

listen, have you... Can I ask you a question?

Have you heard anything about Sarah being unfaithful to me?

No, but...

No, no, no, there's no but. The answer's no.

The answer's no. Actually, if you just give me a second, I'll just... The

answer's no.

So?

Aya, can I have your number, please?

Aya, can I have your number, please?

So, why are you with a girl that fancies a boss? Why are you with a girl that's

trying to touch your cousin's chuggie?

Eh?

No, I'm serious, all right.

Why... Excuse me. All right, listen, I'll tell you everything that you need

to know. You tell me what's good about being with Tanya. And if you can

honestly... No, listen, I'm not being horrible.

If you can convince me that you're with Tanya for the right reasons, I'll

apologise, I'll give you a kiss.

On the lips. No, I'm back now.

No, no, I'm serious.

I want to record this so I can hear your reasons why. Because I'm your cousin. I

want to find out why you're with someone that treats you like shit.

Yeah, I'm not doing this to be a prick. I'm doing this because I care about you.

Tell you... Turn it off. No, no, two seconds. Tell me three things that make

you happy about her.

Um... Um... I'm not doing this, I'm not doing this. Ask me three things that

make me happy about Sarah.

She's kind, she's considerate, bendy as fuck.

Yeah, well I don't want to be with a 40 year old dogger, do I?

I want to be with a nice girl who, you know, doesn't get her jollies off by

getting around a car park and shagging strangers all night. It's not my bag.

Soft. Simple as that.

Sudden.

Shite.

Hi there. Do you, uh... Who are you talking to?

Hi there. Do you, uh, looking for...

Oh,

what?

You bastard.

Oh, Laura. Wait, wait.

I didn't know you were you, I didn't know you were horny Geordie lass. Well I

am, I am horny Geordie lass.

I know, I know, it's funny isn't it? I'm so funny. Get off it.

Just wait a minute, just wait a minute. Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to run

off, I'm sorry. I had to help. Wait, wait, don't run off. Will you get off

it? No, look, I just want to talk to you.

Just give me a second chance, this is talk.

You're home early.

Sorry, I've just been skiving a bit.

You know, Laura, when your mum... Oh, Dad.

Listen, listen, listen, please.

I'm not the best at talking. I need to get this out.

When your mum ran off... Dad.

OK, OK.

when your mom left us oh dad i don't want to talk about it let me try to get

this out please

when

you love someone it doesn't mean you know how to love them

By the time you realise all your mistakes, it's... It's too late, isn't

it?

She doesn't love you anymore.

Your mum... Your mum didn't leave her.

I made her go.

I drove her away.

I'm doing exactly the same to you.

I don't blame your mum.

We're useless men, aren't we?

Laura... I just want you to know that I love

you.

I don't always know how.

Give us a second chance.

Yeah?

Dad, come here.

He's not that germ fella, is he? He's not messing you around.

No, Dad.

I can always kill him for you, you know.

Hello.

All right, tough lads.

Where's the car?

Have you parked it somewhere?

I haven't got it.

Well, how can you go dogging without a car?

Look.

It's got pop-ups down the front so it's easy off. Yeah, it's nice.

Seriously, Dan, where's the car? I'm freezing.

I'm not going.

We're not going.

I don't want to go.

I don't understand.

You said you don't want to go dogging with us.

Yeah.

No.

It's just...

Let's go somewhere.

Come on.

Do you like them, then? Yeah.

They're only life-friendly flowers, as well. They're not like boyfriend

-girlfriend flowers, obviously. Yeah, yeah.

Cos we're just friends, aren't we? Yeah.

Yeah.

Laura. Today I bought you a nice fresh bunch of friendly flowers.

I hope we're friends for years rather than hours.

I hope we don't collapse a bit like the Twin Towers. You can't say that, man.

I'm sorry.

Did you know anyone involved in the building? No.

Sorry.

I hope we get hitched rather than hit.

I'll take the flowers back if you think the shit.

I hope we don't go to the start again with you appealing to the heart of men.

I'll still try and pay you a compliment, but you're a bit stone-faced, a bit like

cement.

I look like cement?

No, you don't look like cement. I'm just saying that... Well, that's not a

compliment. You're saying I look like cement.

No, I don't say you look like cement at all. I'm just saying that it's like...

Are you calling us ugly?

No, I'm not calling you ugly. I promise you. I swear. It's just... It was hard

to talk to, wasn't it? Well, cement's not... Oh, not that again, man.

What are you having to do with that?

Sorry.

I was saying, if you just want to be mates and that, it's all right.

I ain't bothered.

If you ever change your mind or anything.

You know where I am? I've changed my mind. Yeah, of course you've changed

your mind. That's what beautiful girls do. They all change their mind, don't

they? How's that?

I don't know, because that's what girls do.

But if you do ever decide to change your mind, yeah. Jim, shut up.

Hiya,

babes.

Look, I've got some bad news.

The car's off tonight, right? But never fear, because I have used my ears.

And I've got a couple of DVDs in. I've got a French film

that's got a thing on the front. There is only one moon, but it is reflected in

a million pools.

I thought that sounded good.

Good.

I'm sorry, but I haven't got enough money.

Go and just talk to him, please.

Where are you going?

I'm going to call.

I don't understand it. We have sex.

Who has sex?

We have sex?

What, us two?

Us two having sex?

That's the whole point of it.

Are you sure you know how to drive?

Yeah, of course I do.

Proved when I was a kid.

Why didn't you tell us?

I did tell you.

Slut!

Are you on the floor?

I've been fucking ringing her like a tick, leaving her messages.

She doesn't even want to be with us.

Always saying these old women though, aren't they?

Just use it for a bit and then fuck off.

Told you.

If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be in this fucking shit anyway.

No!

No!

No!

i don't want to speak you read the map

I'm in the middle of a roundabout!

I'm in a roundabout!

Fucking tell us where to go!

It's alright, we're fucking close now.

Thanks mate!

Fucking sick!

How far?

Cards and girls, no girls in the car.

Cards and girls, no girls in the car.

Cards and girls, no girls in the car.

Cards and girls, no girls in the car.

She said you were a lovely boy, you know. I mean, she said she liked you,

but... I don't... I'm sick of fucking people just using us because I've got a

fucking mint flat and I'm a fucking good-looking lad.

So do you know anyone that goes dogging other than the sort of you?

A couple of people.

What, is this it?

I'm sure it is.

There's caravans in there.

I know, but I'm sure this is where it happens.

What, round here? So let's go in.

Hey, look at him!

Where? I don't know if he's a dog or having a piss or what.

Oh, this is definitely the police, James.

Oh, God.

Are they doing it?

Uh-huh. Are they having sex? Will you keep a look on the road, though?

Pull over here.

Pull over here, basically.

Where? Just pull over here.

Alright. Alright, keep your shirt on.

Unless you want to take it off, like.

Jim, shut up.

Where you going?

What you doing?

Drop your coat?

No. It's freezing.

Look at all them stars.

All them different consternations.

People say that you like to see bulls and bows and arrows and that.

But I don't, I just see the stars.

Fucking hell, they weren't kidding with her.

Easier than Whitby on a bank holiday.

People say there's like a bear or something, but I've never seen a bear.

Never.

I bet you can learn it.

I bet you do crosswords. Come on then, Jayme, I'm ready.

What are you doing?

What?

Ain't it cold?

Come and go, please.

Jayme, what, you had to be dogging?

Yeah, why do you think it'd be like this?

What?

I don't understand it.

You alright?

Do you mind if I'm, uh, taking?

I don't care who you are, mate.

I'm in the middle of a conversation.

Come on, let's go.

Why are you doing this to me, James?

The thing is, I really like you.

I love you.

Thanks, James, but that's not why I'm here.

Oh, it's full of weirdos out here.

It's full of nutters.

It's raining.

Hey, it was interesting, that.

It was different, mate. It was different, you know. It was... That was

good, that, mate.

Do you want us to pull you off, then?

All right, well, do you want to pull me off? Will you just go away, please?

All right.

All right.

You

don't

mind if I film this, do you?

Okay. Okay.

The camera's shining.

Oh, fuck off. Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Kiss it better.

Oh, that is what we are talking about, isn't it?

Hello? Hello.

Fuck off!

Go on, knock. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't mean to intrude, but you are...

Yes, you are.

She is a dirty bitch, isn't she?

Fuck off, man.

What do we make? A cup of tea?

Fuckin' hell, look at the little limb!

Fuckin' hell.

Fuckin' hell.

Fuckin' hell.

Fuck. How many's she got in there?

Oh, she wants a bit of you, mate.

Oh, fuck. Drive, mate, drive.

Put your foot down, mate. Drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive.

Drive, drive, drive, drive, drive, drive.

Serious, serious. Fuck off!

Joe, brakes, brakes!

Fuck you!

Who the fuck's that? Fucking Jim. Fucking prick, what are you doing? Where

is she? I'm looking for myself.

I'm looking for myself.

She went down there.

No, listen.

One minute I'm there. Where?

Back there.

She takes off her tights, then she just fucking goes, man. Where?

Over there?

I'm looking for her.

Are you going to go and look for her? Yeah, because I fucking am. Good,

because I'm fucking off. Come here.

Come here.

What about a nice-looking middle-aged bird?

Rob! What about frotty with big tits? Fucking weird!

I'll check my numbers, mate, but I guarantee you, Jim will fix it, you know

what I mean? Jim will fix it? What the fuck? Come on, Rob!

You zippy moon face.

Tree bender.

Moon face.

At last.

Hello there.

Oh, hiya.

How are you?

Um, fine, thanks.

Great. Are you video on us?

Um, aye.

Does it bother you, like?

Uh, yeah.

Well, I'll switch it off. There you go.

It's a cold night, like, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. Really cold.

Are you waiting for your friends or what?

I'll go back later on.

Just on a bit of a wonder.

A bit cold for a bit of a wonder. Yeah.

We'll step into the wall.

See, the ghost bit was from here, man.

I've got the heater on full.

All right.

Come on.

I've never felt like this

before, you know.

You know, we say I was just like, you know, finally being able to have sex

with some 20-year-old, you know, I was fancy when you were a kid.

Do you know what I mean?

Only, like, only she's 40 now.

Right, and I'm 20, bro.

And you're... Well, I don't know, you know.

You know, it's not like I want to fucking be my mum, I know, like that,

you know what I mean?

I'm not going to be able to fucking grind down here, it's a fucking dead

end. Go for it, mate, some headlights for you. Fucking woods.

Fucking gun, get a trigger in your fucking eye. Well, it's shopping at

night, I think. I know, it's freezing.

So, why haven't they come?

I'm just having a wonder, really, just seeing what... Oh, I see, I see. OK,

we'll do enough to talk about it, then.

Yeah, I'm just, you know, out here on my own, trying to do some thinking. Yeah.

Mm-hm.

My name's... Oh, for fuck's sake, man, how many cars is it here?

We're going in fucking circles, man!

Oh,

fuck, man.

Fucking dirty bastard.

Down, down, down. Did you say she got in the taxi?

Yeah. She got in the fucking taxi.

Fucking titty prints.

Fucking titty prints and everything.

That's Sarah's titties.

I don't give a fuck mate! Those titty prints are my girlfriend's! Sarah! Say

it Rob!

Privacy eh?

Privacy! Privacy! It's a fucking dog of me you stupid fucking blind fucking...

Sarah!

What the fuck are you doing this to us for?

Sarah!

Excuse me.

Have you seen a nice looking middle aged bird of old Foddy with big tits run past

here?

Oh, you twats.

So this is my dog. He's new the day.

Yeah, he's lovely.

Aye. I've named him after his father.

Call him Genghis.

Nice.

Have you got any pets, Link?

No, nah.

No? No.

Don't you like little furry animals, then? Oh, yeah, yeah. I love dogs and

that, but we haven't got one.

I see.

Okay.

So, when you say you haven't had much luck, is that because no one's asked

you?

as well you're gonna leave just because i want to stop in and watch some videos

with you because i care about you i watched videos with my children you know

what i'm not i'm not one of your kids you're a boy i'm not a number boy i'm

not a boy yeah well you're a slag You're a slag, go and fuck someone else and

watch. Yeah, you're with a lad, young lad, young lad with a fucking amazing

apartment, amazing car, a big fucking car.

And all you can do is look for the cops and fucking go and fuck anyone you want.

I don't give a fuck.

Go and go get your fanny wet. Get fucked.

You can fuck anyone.

I got angry.

Now then, lads, I want to introduce you to the lovely Laura.

Laura, these are the boys. Cunning lads, all of them. Hi, Laura.

Hello, Laura. Nice to meet you.

Hi, Laura.

Nice to meet you.

There you go. Oh, hi.

You've got lovely legs, Dad.

I like your legs.

I like her boots.

She's got nice hair, hasn't she? Oh, I like her boots. Oh, yes.

Oh, I see you've got that nice new plastic down. Looks all right, doesn't

it? Smelling awful clean of that. That was the right mess the last time, wasn't

it? I remember what happened last time. That's why I brought myself.

I'm hopping a bit this time.

It's a beautiful land. The stars are lovely.

That big bear star.

Yes, there's the bear. Very romantic.

Very romantic.

Satin up there.

That's satin. That's stupid, that one. It's got the rings.

Slop, man.

Do you know about stars?

Not a good deal, I agree.

It's getting cold in here.

Hey, this looks interesting.

I'm going myself up. Yeah, what's them straps there for?

Any whips?

A walnut whip?

You talking about chocolate?

Chocolate?

Emma!

Hello?

Sarah.

Sarah.

Sarah, I'm sorry for losing my temper, man. You know, I just... You know, I

just... I've got some water as well for everyone.

Oh, aye, nice one. I don't need one of them. I'm bursting. Can I have one

first? Just hold it in, man. Hold it in.

Did you remember to get them towels?

I've got towels. Can you bring that light in?

Excuse me. Can you bring the light in? Sorry to interrupt. You haven't seen a

bloke about my age, have you, running up here?

He's quite stocky, he's got quite a big head, ginger hair.

I wouldn't have noticed that one, mate. I want to get this in the shot.

Sorry,

I don't suppose either of you have seen any... Sorry, sorry, don't want to

interrupt.

It's the job center.

What are you doing here? What am I doing here? What do you think you're doing

here? Dan?

Laura!

Fucking hell. What are you doing here? Fucking ashamed of yourselves.

Fuck off. Come on in. Come in this way. You little bastard.

Laura. You unemployed twat.

This is none of your business.

What's that?

You just think twice before you do anything silly. What's that? I'm not

gonna do anything fucking silly.

You fucking one-sum, you fucking... No more fucking job for you now, is it, you

prick? Fucking disgusting, the lot of you. Dad, shut up. Go on. You bastard.

Laura! Fuck off! Dad, shut up. Come on!

You bastard.

Oi, who's he?

He's interesting, though.

If you want to go off and be with other people, you can be with other people.

Even if you just want me to come round every now and then, just have a laugh

with you or something.

You know what I used to say? I used to make you laugh and that.

But you just kind of leave us on my own, man.

Because I've been left on my own all my life, man.

I'll tell you what, if you... Sarah?

Hello? Sorry, mate.

Is that... Sarah, I'm looking for someone... Oh, you

bastard.

I'm terribly sorry, but...

You're not going, are you?

Oh, great.

You're a very young man.

You're young.

Yeah, you are.

The name's Jim.

Sarah.

John. Thank you.

So where do you want to go?

I really want to go home.

Righto. Yeah?

We'll go home then.

Oh, fantastic.

Have you seen them dogs?

A bit like polar bears.

Polar bears?

Yeah. Oh, he's spotted one.

He's taking notes.

Sticky.

Hello, everybody. My name is Tanya. Thank you all for coming to the

Optimising Potential Marketing Sector Conference.

I'm just gonna pass these around, if you can hand these over.

If you've got any questions, just raise your hand or anything else.

You saved his last name.

No. You did.

Are you going to give us a kiss then or?

I don't know, are you going to give me a kiss then?

Us first?

Alright.

Oh, you can stop it.

Thank you.

Bye.

My girlfriend went away today On a business trip with her big man boss I go

on the internet, type www.stuff Turn in, turn off

Log in, log off Sentimental ramblings left for her in her inbox

Horny jolly laughs reply to me Do you often D.O.G? For the

first time tonight I'm going to see what I can see

It's getting late

In pet corner Dogs retreat From the water

The bushes moat the car park Quietly

All the animals sleep My girl and me Will this work?

I haven't told her fuck all Suddenly I

hear an engine She looks at me Questions pending Have you

ever heard of dogging?

What the fuck is dogging?

Well, it's basically snogging with a few people watching.

What do you mean?

There's nothing wrong, love.

I just thought you'd like to see the swans and stuff.

But it's cold and I want to go home.

There's a man out there in his white van and he doesn't look alone.

What another windy day at Whitley Bay, horizontal rain.

Me and my girl under moonshine sitting in the car again.

And the windows are steaming And the headlights are gleaming And I've got a

feeling That we should be leaving I was looking for this But it looks like it's

steaming Interior lights Go on and off and on and off and on And on and off and

on and off and on And on and off and on and off and on And suddenly what a shock

to me Tanya turns all eager, beaver She says she thinks we should I'm like, oh

my god, I can't believe her She goes down and I go up Tell her that I've had

enough Two guys outside, I don't know And I'm desperate to go And the interior

lights Go on and off and on and off and on And the interior lights Go on and off

and on and off and on And the interior lights

On and off and on and off and on and On and off and on and off and on and On and

off and on and off and on and