Original subtitles

(bell tolling)

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Yee-haw-haw-haw-haw-haw ♪

♪ My eyes have seen the glory ♪

♪ Of the coming of the law ♪

♪ He has trampled out the vintage ♪

♪ And the greats of wrath and scorn ♪

♪ He has loosed the fateful lightning ♪

♪ Of his terrible foes ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

♪ Glory, glory ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ There'll be hell to pay that fiery day ♪

♪ When your maker can't think no more ♪

♪ When the horsemen ride horse side by side ♪

♪ And we wanna just follow that tidal course ♪

♪ So messin' up sinners 'cause this is it ♪

♪ Glory, glory ♪

♪ God's gonna throw a great big fit ♪

♪ Hallelujah, holy shit ♪

♪ 'Cause the good book tops the war ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory ♪

♪ Go on ♪

(upbeat music)

- Cuffin to King.

(dog barking)

- So, uh, you call back for Judas?

- Well, I sure am, my surprise.

Funny how Judas is always black, ain't it?

And the artistic interpretation is always white.

You can shove your 30 pieces of silver, sucker,

'cause Rahim is here to read for the lead.

And in case you didn't learn it right in school, Jesus Christ was a black man.

- Hey, man, I'm down with that.

- And this guy here, he ain't no King Herod.

- I'm also called back for Jesus.

- Jesus.

- Hello, Jesus.

This is your director.

Jesus.

- I am Jesus, Jesus, what's up?

- Welcome to the greatest play ever written.

I have called you here today in hopes that one

of you can become my spokesperson, my star.

The human touchstone who can at last deliver my message to the masses.

- I ask you to remember that any great cause demands great sacrifice.

And that I have an uncle at Miramax.

Soon, you will be called in one by one

to perform the monologues you were told to create.

Now, stretch as tall as you can and lift your fingers to the ceiling.

- To the ceiling, Rahim.

- Eight words or less, who was Jesus?

- Jesus was a revolutionary.

- Joshua Horowitz.

- A teacher, a great teacher.

- Jesse Hoover.

- A sacrifice for dense, unworthy men.

- Skye Parker.

- Love, baby, Jesus was free and flowing love.

(upbeat music)

- The legacy of honky Jesus.

- Hard as those men who raped those women,

massacred their heathen babies and take their parents'

gold and silver and do it in the name of Christ.

And yay, as the Euro honky priest conquers a yesteryear decreed it, so it was.

And all the non-honkies of the earth were enslaved.

But I got a message from the true historical Jesus,

nappy Jesus, Jesus the Ethiopian.

I preached with a fire under my ass and a dirty old robe.

I didn't have no house, I didn't have no wife, I didn't have

no burgundy suzu trooper with a sandstone leather interior.

I hung out with hoes and lepers and kicked ass on the money changes in the temple.

And now I'm getting ready to come back down to earth

and God's true children will be fruitful and multiply.

(audience applauding) - Powerful.

(audience applauding)

- Pillar of salt, curse of the ages, made from a hand-me-down rib.

Put on your church dress, Jesse.

Pure girls give birth without sex.

- Dear God, please forgive me for letting Joey Pampino put his hand down my pants.

I didn't enjoy it.

I think I have a crush on God's son, Jesus.

He is handsome and gentle

and everything I want in a boyfriend.

I wish he wasn't dead.

Let me cook you dinner.

I am infinite love.

- Shit on my parade, I am forgiveness.

Dear diary, now I realize I will never get a man like Jesus.

Jesus was a woman all along.

Thank you very much.

- Now the role of Jesus may require some nudity.

- I hope that's all right.

- Yeah, right. (laughing)

- Well, take that as a no.

- You ruined Jesus.

But it wasn't enough that this teacher, this wonderful,

brilliant human being died for his principles.

No, no, you had to make him God's actual son.

Yeah, a guy with good connections who gets to rise from the dead into eternal bliss.

This is sacrifice?

My God, what about giving up your life when mortal life is all you've got?

No, I know, it's not glamorous enough.

We'll follow my Jesus and we'll just try to work on being human.

- Very nice.

Tell me, Joshua, if we do go with the Jewish Jesus.

- Jesus was Jewish.

- I would really want to go with it.

- I see Romans in Nazi uniforms,

skin-headed shepherds taunting Jesus as a teen.

Possibly a bondage temptation scene

with the gang of Aryan nation girls.

Any problems?

- As long as it's in good taste.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Thank you, Skye, for your monologue, but this isn't musical comedy.

Next!

- I just want to say that I've done a lot of orgy scenes

and I'm naturally bi, so if that's the route you want to take,

I'm totally comfortable with that.

And I think Jesus felt the same way.

- You believe Jesus engaged in orgies?

- Well, you know, no one really knows

because it was so long ago.

But, you know, he had all these chicks and disciples,

you know, following him around like groupies.

And Jesus was a very giving person,

if you know what I mean.

And I'm sure he paid a lot of personal attention

to each and every one of them.

I mean, I can relate to that.

- Hmm.

Skye has charisma.

We need charisma.

- Him or the black guy?

- The black guy was hot!

- Totally!

- Yes!

Raheem was electric, but I do have a concern.

Say he brings in a large black audience.

They see white Romans crucifying black Jesus.

- Oh God, riots!

- It's just a concern.

- What did you think of the woman?

- Pushy.

She'd probably be difficult to work with.

- Okay, what about Joshua?

- We need someone more sensitive, more profound.

Now, I'm just going out on a limb here, but what would you think if Jesus was...

- Me.

(laughing)

(upbeat music) - Shit!

Last audition I'm going to in this lame ass city.

- Yeah, you know, Seattle is kind of limited.

Nobody here seems to appreciate my message.

I'm thinking about going to New York.

There's a lot of musical theater there.

- Musical theater can kiss my ass.

- Oh yeah, what about a Broadway revival of Superstar?

- You mean?

- That's right, guy.

Jesus Christ, Superstar.

Auditions are next Tuesday in New York.

What do you say, Raheem?

Good road trip needs good company.

- Yeah, well I think you suck.

I think you suck worse than any boyfriend I ever had and I'm a million years old.

Thanks for wasting just a little bit more of my life.

Oh!

- Oh.

How about coming with me and Raheem to the Big Apple

to be a superstar?

- We could have a really good time.

- Well, my aging parents live in Jersey and I do owe them a visit.

- Maybe I'm not supposed to piss my life away being sensible and nurturing.

Maybe I'm supposed to have a great adventure

and this is my sign from God.

- Far out.

- Right on, sister.

- I'm going to give up mediocre sex and lame

relationships and make my mark upon the world.

Joan of Arc didn't need no stinkin' boyfriend.

- Yeah, ban those blingers.

- Amen.

- Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

- Hey, Ma, I'm comin' home.

And I'm bringin' friends.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ I'm leavin' the song and knowin' on my way ♪

♪ I heard a flock of wings a-singin' hows would do ♪

♪ My destiny's howlin', it's all about me ♪

♪ I'm tryin' to hold me down 'cause I just gotta break free ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪ I'm on a roll in the show ♪

♪

Hi.

Just passing through, huh?

I guess we're like strangers in the night.

Excepting for it's daytime.

You're a real foxy guy.

Sounds to me like you believe in love.

Oh, I do.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Come on, guys, come here, come here.

Left, left, left, right, all good.

We got it, we got it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I did it, Sheriff, I did it.

Two years of working in that dirty old bathroom

trying to get a guy to let me hold his dick and I finally caught me a homo.

That's good work, y'all.

Hey, what about our rights?

Yeah, search and seizure.

I demand to call my lawyer in Seattle.

Rights, huh?

Well, now maybe they got rights in places like Seattle.

You're among decent folk now.

Book 'em, boys.

And the Lord looked down upon his flock, friends, and what did he see?

Pornification.

And the Lord saw that the people were so busy

fornicating, whoremongering, drinking, and usurping

that they had forgotten one very important thing.

To give the Lord his place.

Yes, the Lord's burnt offering.

When people forsake the Lord,

what does the Old Testament tell us he does?

Kill, sell.

Yes, the slain of the Lord shall be many.

Hold it right there.

Stand back now.

We got prison.

Sorry, preacher, sorry, bride and maid.

We'd like to thank y'all for not panicking, folks,

while we get these sodomites down to the basement and behind bars.

Sheriff, what's this all about?

We arrested this long-haired man after he solicited preverted behavior

from Joe here in the men's room of the double pump.

We also arrested his "companions"

after a search of their hobo bags revealed criminal items.

What items, Sheriff?

One bag of marijuana.

Could that marijuana be laced with crack cocaine?

Could've pawed some crap in the woods.

I also have in my possession several books

kind read by college boys and communists.

I think we can all agree that this type of literature does more damage to our society

than all the guns and bullets God ever made.

And lastly, we found this item hidden in the belongings of the female prisoner.

All right.

God never sends us a situation that we can't turn to our advantage.

Hit it, girls.

Get 'em out. Go on.

Would you mind not doing that? It's driving me crazy.

- Go color some more. - You color some more.

Hey, Raheem, you got any of that weed left?

I think we could use it. Everybody seems a little tense.

Where? Up my ass?

I wouldn't give you any if I did. You got me busted.

Pot didn't help.

Shut up, Sheezus.

You're the reason we were on that road in the first place.

- That was self-defense. - Shh.

God, you people are dumb.

Well, I wouldn't have been in that position

if you hadn't been such a baby about your necklace.

- Now, you leave my guy out of this. - Shut up.

- No, you shut up. - You shut up.

Good evening, brothers.

Run your supper.

How long you been standing there, brother?

Sure is a fire.

Here you got that, boy.

My hair is political.

Dude, that smells awesome.

- Who are you? - Oh, they call me Mojack.

I've been taking care of this here town since I was oh, just so high.

You're all my friends.

Those crazy rednecks want you tongue-in-tongue.

All my friends.

I call this meeting to order.

I'll tell you what.

What's it all mean, Ralph?

Our property value is gonna go down.

Is the Saturday Night Show still on at the whorehouse?

I say we bring those freaks to justice

before they poison the minds of our women and children.

I second that motion.

Our public morals are showing serious signs of wear.

Last week, I heard my own 12-year-old daughter

using a filthy word.

Yeah, that Annie Lou, she sure is something.

My point is, I have the full force of the law behind me.

You tell 'em, Judge.

And I say, let's use it on these degenerates.

Hang 'em high.

But lethal injection is so much kinder.

I say we eat 'em.

Those are all fine ideas, fellas.

But I see these prisoners not as a threat, but as an opportunity.

Now, we've got a nice town here in Jackville.

Darn tootin'.

What was God talking about when he told his chosen ones to be fruitful and multiply?

He was talkin' about real estate development.

And I see a prime piece of land, friends.

Layin' fallow.

I'm talkin' about Jackville Hill.

Moe Jack's place?

Well, he won't sell Ralph.

He's got his ancestors buried up there.

It's just a nasty old swamp, Ralph.

No decent folk could live there.

God has more imagination than you do, Joe.

He can look beyond the animals and vegetables

and picture a planned community rich with asphalt, two-car garages.

But what does God see instead when he looks down in his infinite glory?

An old man in a shack with a goat.

I don't get it, Ralph.

What's Moe Jack's land got to do with punishing them prisoners?

Well, fellas, you're just gonna have to trust me and the preacher on this one.

We got a plan.

That right, preacher?

Them sinners gonna get what they deserve?

You all will in the end.

All right!

To justice!

To any loot!

And may the Jackville possums win another game!

The trial of the prisoners you see before you

shall take place tomorrow at the Cox Crow.

Until that time, they shall be released

into the custody of members of this congregation.

Female prisoners, step forward.

I release you into the care of Putin's battle.

Homosexual prisoners.

Deputy Joe has generously volunteered

to take you into his custody.

I'm not taking that sex offender into my home.

Excuse me.

If y'all are looking for somebody to take the boy in,

I'll take him in.

Yes. Yes, that's much better.

That's perfect.

Negro prisoners.

African prisoner sucker.

Released into the custody of preacher John.

Anti-Christian prisoners.

Jews aren't anti-Christian.

We're non-Christians.

Are going on a journey to a top secret compound

on the outskirts of town.

What?

They're gonna let me disappear.

Don't worry, baby.

We'll get through this.

I got a feeling.

They can arrest our bodies,

but they can't control our heart.

I'll be thinking about you, baby.

That must be lovely, baby.

I don't know where you're taking me, but I hope you can live with it.

And don't tell me you're just doing your job.

That's what Eichmann said.

I'm sure you find the situation morally disturbing.

You seem like a very nice person.

Please!

My parents need me!

Hiya, big boy.

Welcome to Mamie's, kid.

It's your new home until the trial.

And these are Mamie's girls.

It's their civic duty to keep you out of trouble.

We hear you're a dangerous man.

It's so well-bred.

Mazel Tov!

Hey, do you know any old George Michael tunes, or maybe some Bach?

Sure.

They're all my friends.

But this song expresses my philosophy of life.

And in my philosophy... Yeah, yeah, yeah, you told me.

...they're all God's little children.

And they're all my friends.

But this song expresses my philosophy of life.

And in my philosophy... Yeah, yeah, yeah, you told me.

...they're all God's little children.

And each and every one of us is equal.

And nobody is more important than anybody else.

They're all God's beautiful creatures.

I'm going to bed.

You enjoy that nice cot that's been in the family a long time.

Neat.

Seven generations of jacks.

Yeah, I'll sleep out of here now.

Raheem, we're ready!

My, doesn't that look good?

Yes, you're right.

No need to serve.

We'll just pass it around family style

and you sit right down with the rest of us.

Mommy, he's sitting so close to me.

Why does he have to sit so close?

Mommy, Mommy, he's taking all the food!

Now don't be such silly billies.

Raheem's a person.

Almost the same as you and me.

I don't know how I ever got along without him.

No, Raheem.

Not before grace.

Oh, that's all right.

You didn't know any better.

Bow your head now.

Lord, we thank you for this flesh.

May you give us the strength to crush our secret enemies,

the cunning to hatch our plots,

and the patience to conceal them until the hour of retribution.

Amen.

Jesus, help me Jesus!

Welcome.

Come to me my truth and I will heal you.

Come to me.

Help me Jesus.

Heal me Jesus.

Jesus, please.

Heal me Jesus.

Heal me Jesus.

Thank you.

Jesus, heal me.

The body of me, given for you.

Jesus, see my Jesus.

Thank you.

You're a good boy.

You're very good.

Ah!

Not that way, son.

The police will see you.

Why don't you try the back way out?

Welcome to the circle of sisters.

You're all sisters?

Time is the hour of initiation.

The moment is that of the menstrual mood.

Feel its air.

Feel its flow.

What are you going to do to me?

Don't worry, little flower.

I've rescued you from those pig cops.

You're among your own kind now.

All right.

Here, sister.

Drink the potion.

You called me a whore of Babylon.

There were guys in the room.

Nightshade, root, and blood of womb.

Drink it under a midnight moon.

See the goddess deep within.

Let it dribble down your chin.

What did you say was in this?

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

Good job, sister.

You're in the sisterhood now.

Good at call power.

What did you do this week for the sisterhood?

I put saltpeter in the sheriff's pot roast.

I peed in the elk's lodge coffee.

And what about you, new sister?

I don't know what you mean.

The war against the oppressors.

The squashing of the male worm.

Well, I did do something, but I can't tell you.

You could get me in a lot of trouble.

Oh, tell me, sister, tell me.

What's happening to me?

It's just the belladonna.

Give it a chance.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

The goddess says, "Make the new sister dance.

" The goddess says, "Make her kill a man.

" The goddess says, "Make her hump a tree.

" Hump a tree.

I did kill a man.

Just the other day.

It was the sheriff.

It was the preacher.

It was Elvis.

My clerk screwed him good.

Gentlemen, are we real women?

Yes.

Do real women need men?

No.

Then cast off the shackles of the patriots.

Oh, no!

I hope I didn't hurt you.

Oh, Joshua, I'm a whore.

But you made me feel like a virgin.

Oh, Marianne, there's so much I want to teach you.

There's a whole world outside this room.

Books, music, New Jersey.

My mother's gefilte fish.

It's like a dream.

I never had a mother of my own.

There's got to be some way.

There is a way, Joshua.

Mamie told us that we're supposed to persuade you to do something at the trial.

And if you do, they'll let you go.

Oh, God.

What?

Turn in your leader.

What leader?

The shallow one with the long hair.

Testify against him, and you'll go free, and I'll come with you.

Testify against Skye?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Your principles.

That's it?

(crying)

Listen, man, I don't owe that cat nothing.

It ain't my fault he can't keep his dick in his robe.

But how do I know that y'all are gonna keep up your end of the deal?

I'm a black man with a bag of weed

caught in some kind of right-wing, redneck freak town.

Explain to me why I should believe you're gonna turn me free.

Do you know any voodoo or mojo?

What about mojo?

Man, I might know lots of things.

What's your point?

All right.

I'll have to trust you.

But if you betray me,

you're going straight to hell.

Have you ever heard of the sacred rod?

What, like a curtain rod?

A divining rod?

A phallus made all of gold?

An ancient talisman lost over 2,000 years ago in the East?

The rod has the power to divide

the wicked from the righteous.

And the man who finds it

will lead his people to glory and smite everybody else.

Infidels all over the world

have searched for it.

Oceans of blood have been lost for it.

And now it has been found.

In Jerusalem?

In Jackville!

This nasty old hole, get out!

I heard it from the very highest source.

Now, you report to your trial in the morning and testify against--

what's his name, the shallow one?

Scott.

And he'll testify against Mojak.

And while Mojak is on trial,

we'll go up the hill and find the rod.

Mojak, what's he got to do with this?

Ralph Pied wants his land,

and your testimony is his way of getting it.

But while Ralph is prancing around his courtroom,

we'll be digging up God's vengeance.

And he just might be the first infidel I smite.

But I don't have to say nothing against Mojak, right?

I just finger the honky.

That's right.

And whatever happens after that

is not your problem.

Damn straight.

To Judgment Day.

Righto.

I'm supposed to tell them Skye's my leader?

Prudent. That's humiliating.

Especially after all I've experienced tonight.

Oh, just give them what they want.

One more hog sent to the butcher

is a small price to pay for a woman's freedom.

But to just abandon him here?

I mean, it seems so selfish.

Like the kind of thing a man would do.

Selfish?

To leave a man who raped you then tossed you aside for a stranger in a cheap turlet?

Skye didn't rape me.

You told me he mounted you and had his way.

Yes, but that was mutual.

Or was it?

Of course not.

You've been violated.

It's just like that Elvis all over again.

I'll teach him to tell me I'm hot.

Who's my little chick-a-pin?

Is it me?

Come to mama.

(laughing)

(birds chirping)

(upbeat music) Damn!

Grandma's gonna find that treasure and be keen on him.

Probably to let people make the people pay.

Clarence, ain't I always told you to stay smart?

It's Raheem now, Grandma, and I am smart.

If that gold rod ain't there, I'd just bash that sucker

with a shovel and run out home.

One thing I always told you, Clarence, never betray a brother.

Yes.

(screaming) Kill us!

(screaming)

(birds chirping)

I don't get it, Mojack.

This trip was supposed to be such a good time.

What did I do to deserve this?

I'll tell you about my career as a better way boxer.

Oh.

Fought for the Lord.

Lots of fights, lots of money.

I used to pray beforehand, you know.

I'd ask God to help me to be my best.

My manager would tell me, Jack, you're crazy.

You ought to be praying to win.

But if I'm praying to win and the other guy's praying to win, what's God gonna do?

You see what I'm saying, Scott?

Well, what happened to all your money?

I got lots of friends.

Mojack, you need to look out for yourself a little better.

Come on.

I'll make you some flapjacks before the trial.

(knocking)

Order of the court.

As honorable justice of Jackville, I hereby declare this court in session.

Counsel for the defense shall be Ralph P.

Folks, in exchange for immunity,

three of my clients are willing to testify against the leader of their criminal gang.

Stand up, kids.

Jessica Hoover, do you assert

that your crimes were committed by this man,

and that he and not you should be held responsible?

I do.

Do you have proof of his power over you?

It's guys like him that turn women like me into lipstick lesbians.

All I did was give you my love, baby.

You symbolize the patriarchy,

and I probably never had a committed relationship in your life.

(knocking)

Order of the court.

Heavens.

Clarence Jones, do you assert that your crimes were committed by this man?

Yeah, that's right.

Do you have proof of his power over you?

He wiped like you.

Dude, I can't help that.

Joshua Horowitz.

Your Honor, I'm a good person.

I was raised by loving parents,

and I've never been in trouble with the law in my life.

I do have to point out that half of the things we're charged with aren't even crimes,

and that this is a total kangaroo court.

But if you don't see it that way,

then yes, it's all Skye's fault.

I think that took a lot of guts.

Moja!

What's happening?

Why is everyone against me?

You're all in it!

I have Christian charity work to do.

May I go and take with me

my recently converted assistant, Raheem.

What?

Prisoner, you are charged with 117 capital and

petty crimes against the people of Jackville.

We've had a lot of unsolved mysteries over the years,

and we're not about to let you get away with them.

Darn tootin'!

Yeah, we all good Christians, ain't we?

Order of the court!

Order!

I'll admit, my client is guilty of many things,

and we don't have to ask whether he's a Satanist.

We can tell that just by looking at him.

I'm wearing a Jesus outfit.

But let's ask ourselves,

how did Skye and his imbecilic followers manage to commit all those crimes,

some before they were even born?

How did they get the information?

Who opened the door and let them in?

Look closely, friends,

and you'll see that this brain-damaged young man

is just a servant, and his master is one of us!

Skye, do you like Jackville?

No, man.

I want to go home.

You people are straight and narrow.

Is there anyone here in town that you do like?

Oh, Mojack's cool.

He's got it all worked out, cosmically speaking.

Got it all worked out, huh?

That sounds like a conspiracy.

What's this Mojack shit?

What do you care?

He's a man like all the rest of them.

Skye, last week we all witnessed Mojack

volunteer quite eagerly to take you, a known felon,

into his home.

Can you explain that?

I told you, man.

He's cool.

During your stay with Mojack,

did he try even once to save your soul?

Did he pray with you or take you to a single Elks Lodge meeting?

No, guy.

I told you, Mojack isn't like you people.

Mojack's the man.

Why do I stand by and watch this?

Do what you have to do, Joshua.

I'll understand.

I want us to make it out of here together, Marianne.

I don't want to throw it all away from my principals.

I want a Jew to have a happy ending.

Let's examine the facts.

Who is Mojack?

Why does he live up there on that hill by himself?

We all know how Mojack's family died 40 years ago

due to accidental lynching,

and yet he smiles as he sweeps our church floor.

Is that the act of an honest man?

What would you do, neighbors, if a town killed your whole family?

Would you say,

"They all my friends"?

Shit, no!

Now, is Mojack responsible for your sins?

Think hard before you answer.

You are too young to die.

What do you mean?

This is bad news.

It's almost like a moral dilemma.

He did it. It was him.

The seed of our disease, friends.

The leader of the cult.

The spider at the center of the web.

Here. The arrow's point here.

No, wait.

No, yes, here.

Here, yes.

No, no.

Why don't I just start digging?

Mommy, it's all dirty in there.

There isn't any Internet.

Be kind, dear. Mojack can't help it if he's trash.

Hey, there's that goat again.

I'm gonna throw a stick at it.

Oh, my God, it's a sign.

Don't you see?

Satan has come in the form of a goat to desecrate God's holy ground.

You must think we're pretty stupid, huh, Satan?

Rahim, hurry, hurry. Dig.

That rod is as good as ours.

Order! Order in the ding-ding court!

Mojack, you stand accused of heading a criminal conspiracy.

How do you plead?

They're all my friends.

Clodance, help me save him.

I'd keep my mouth shut if I was you.

You don't want to get your dirty, blue, sweaty shoes.

You're threatening me.

If the shoe fits.

You bitch!

Mojack!

This court bequeaths your lands to a responsible real estate developer

and sentences you to...

death.

No! This wasn't the deal.

You're killing an innocent man.

Your Honor, I want to take back my testimony.

I was tricked by radical feminists.

But now I see the error of my ways.

Don't worry, Your Honor.

I'll chastise her at home.

Chastise my ass?

I'm breaking up with you.

You can find some other femme to dance naked in the woods.

Naked in the woods?

That's right, Sheriff.

This woman is a witch.

A witch!

Oh!

Burn the witch.

Burn the witch!

Oh, no!

Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!

Burn the witch!

What do you have to say for yourself now, witch?

I was a fool to follow you.

And you were a pig to leave me.

I guess women are assholes, too.

Burn her faster!

We are all pigs, including me!

Burn her!

I've done it. It's happening.

My God's vengeance has begun.

Holy shit!

Mommy, I'm scared.

Trust in the Lord, darling.

He never lets anyone get hurt.

And there was a vast earthquake, and the earth and hell came up there dead.

The righteous!

Mommy, is it Judgement Day?

Yes, darling.

One night, found in the Book of Life, he was cast into the lake of fire.

For I am the lion of the tribe of Judah.

I am the wine of the anger of the Lord.

I am the A and the Z, the beginning and the end!

I'll get you! I'll get you, you green-ass zombie!

Hey! Stop the damn deserters!

Nobody goes anywhere on my watch!

Yeah, you little liver-pinched twigs!

What are you, afraid of the undead?

Yeah, no trouble-makers on our beat, right, Sheriff?

Get away!

Oh, my God! Mike, hi! It's gone!

It must have come off during the stampede in the church.

You wait here, Mary Ann. I'm going back.

But Joshua! Joshua! That would be stupid!

That would be pretty stupid.

I love you.

Mary Ann! Mary Ann! Speak to me!

I don't think I've built a fish.

No! No!

My girlfriend is dead! I hope you're happy!

Don't worry, Chick-a-Pan. I'm here to save you.

Get away from me!

That's not what you said last night.

What's the matter? You got a zombie on the side.

Aha!

That'll learn you, stupid man.

Now hold still, bad little girl.

I'm going to fix you so as everyone knows you're mine.

I'm going to fix you so as everyone knows you're mine.

You ho-reckin' bastard!

This is all your fault!

Look, I'll do whatever you want.

Just help me get out of here.

Zombie killed my Joe and now I'm going to kill you!

Take it easy, baby.

I've got connections in New York and I know

how to satisfy a woman who can make some sweet love.

Mister, you don't know what love is!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Hello?

Yeah, I can't talk right now.

Can you show me an email?

Hi, folks.

Nice to see you.

Listen.

I've tried to handle this transaction more sensitively.

Agentification doesn't have to mean stepping on anyone's toes.

Why don't I fix you all up with some tenement housing out back in the hills?

No!

Condos in the heart of downtown!

All the amenities!

Look, fellas, I can get you some sweet deals, but you've got to work with me.

All right.

I'll throw in the closing cost for free.

My God, why have you forsaken me?

I have not forsaken you, my son.

Yes, my son.

Skye, Skye Parker.

Forgive them, Father.

They know not what they do.

Oh, my God, Joshua, what's happening?

It's the apocalypse, and I've lost my perfect woman.

Hey, Julia.

She's us.

I better close your minds, huh, Hawkins, to see my people rise.

Hi, Raheem.

You can kill us now.

Don't you trip me, boy.

That old man was just sitting on that land.

He was uneducated.

He was un-politicized.

He wasn't going to lead the revolution.

Power to the people means the people who know how to use it.

And King Raheem is going to take that power

and take my people and lead us to the promised land.

Oh, man.

[coughing]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, what about us?

Don't we deserve to die?

Maybe God wants us to live.

Oh, sure.

I know what that guy wants.

I'm supposed to stay alive so that I can suffer.

Is that right?

Wander through the wilderness for 40 years, survive the

death camps and still maintain an earthy sense of humor?

Well, screw you, pups.

Bring her back, you bastard.

Bring her back or kill me like a man.

[screaming]

[crying]

[crying]

[crying]

Dear diary, it's been three whole days now since the apocalypse.

I still don't know what God wants from me.

I thought maybe I'm supposed to live here among the zombies and study their culture,

like Margaret Mead.

Diary, I think I'm dying.

[music playing]

[screaming]

[music playing]

God is within you.

Where would that end?

Rise where you fall in culture, all my friends.

Because we're all his friends.

He'll get us into heaven.

Because we're all his friends.

We're going to be forgiven.

Why are we all his friends?

Because we're all his friends.

When we're a bunch of sinners.

No time for names.

We don't have to remain topic dinners.

Because we're all his friends.

Friends.

[music playing]

All aboard this glory train.

We are saved by a phenomenon.

God likes a lot of flavors in his big bags too.

Glory, glory, hallelujah.

His truth is marching on.

Glory, glory, hallelujah.

His truth is marching on.

Glory, hallelujah.

Glory, glory, hallelujah.

Thank the Lord.

His truth is marching on.

On.