Original subtitles

He is the kind who leaves the trace of love in your mind.

Knowing his touch will be as much of him you will find.

When you awake, you know that it was all for his sake. And you're the one.

Another bet he's won.

With each affair, he leaves a trace of smoke in the air.

Devil or man, he takes the most from life that he can.

Till in the end, in your heart you feel he's a friend.

The kind that you hate to love, yet love to see.

His name is Galaxy.

He can burn you like the sun.

What kind of man is he?

Public lover number one. His name is Galaxy.

When he takes you to his drum, a macho man is he.

If you see him, better run.

Sandra,

you lovely little birdie.

I remember you well.

And our first contestant for the title of Miss Beauty Bust is gorgeous Sandra

Goodwood. Sandra tells me that she plans to become an expert in foreign affairs.

Really, Sandra, why go abroad when you can find plenty at home? And can I be

the first, please?

This adorable creature has a name to match her figure. Gina Kirby.

Gina is consulted in a wristwatch firm and with an AM and a PM like hers, I'm

not surprised.

Our next entrant, Julia Shorthouse, has a simple but praiseworthy ambition.

Julia wants to be a housewife.

Good for you, Julia.

And finally, lovely Angela

Critton. Angela says she has resigned her job as marriage guidance counsellor

because she's frustrated and wishes to find a new position.

Hello, David.

Councillor Pendleton. Enjoy the show?

Yes.

Don't buy your eyes.

Oh.

Now, look, darling, now, listen, you did give Councillor Pendleton a good lunch

hour, didn't you? More like a quarter of an hour, I'd say.

Yes, but he did enjoy himself, didn't he? Yes, yes, yes. Oh, thank God for

that. Anyway, listen, it's all fixed, and here comes Mr Fixit now, big smile.

Oh, Mr Pendleton. Good luck, my dear. Thank you.

Now, look, don't be nervous.

That £1,000 cheque was already in your hot little...

Oh, David, I don't know how to thank you. Of course you do.

Afterwards.

Well, you know what they say.

Whatever you get out of the business, you put back into it afterwards.

Oh, what a night it's been.

What a night it's going to be.

Now then, I wonder what my little prize is going to be.

You're a funny fellow, Pendleton.

He tells me he wants a bit. I don't mind a bit. So I introduce him to a bit. And

she gives him a bit. Now, what has he got to be sold about?

very funny feeling.

My sixth sense told me that a singularly unwelcome surprise was about to crop up,

and it wasn't just my sixth sense.

My horoscope had told me the same thing that morning.

Yes.

Mr. David Galaxy.

Well, that depends.

Are you Her Majesty's collector of taxes?

No, sir.

Splendid. Would you by chance be from the Social Security asking for your

money back?

Not exactly, sir.

You wouldn't be some beautiful bird's boyfriend, would you? Come round here to

sort me out?

No, sir.

Good.

And then, in that case, I am David Galaxy.

And I'm Chief Inspector Evans of Scotland Yard.

I'd like to have a word with you, sir.

Yes, certainly.

Do come up.

Pardon, Inspector.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's Chief Inspector, I guess.

Oh, yes, how silly of me. I mean, one can't dismiss a lifetime of parking

people in the nick and then forget that one word that made it all so worthwhile,

can one?

Chief Inspector.

Apology accepted in the spirit in which it's given, sir. Yes, well, that's all

settled then.

Well, a right little rape of it, as it promises to be, and...

Far be it from you to speed up the proceedings, but I'm sure you must be

late at the forensic laboratories right now.

I understand perfectly, sir.

Besides, Godot could be here any minute.

I beg your pardon, sir, who?

No, it's all right. Godot.

It's a character in a play called Waiting for Godot.

That's why I said that Godot could be... And I was waiting for Godot, and... Let

me just forget it. It was a puerile attempt at humour anyway.

Would you come this way?

Chief Inspector, what can I do for you?

Oh, it won't take long.

Splendid.

Oh, please don't think I'm not acting like the perfect host, but as you can

see, I do have a vast and adoring public to attend to.

Can I get you a drink?

No, thank you, sir. This is an official visit.

Oh, of course. A policeman never drinks on duty.

It's been so long since I watched them on the telly.

I'm so sorry it wasn't a bribe.

You're something to do with astrology, then?

No wonder you're a chief inspector, chief inspector.

With a razor-like mind like yours, you should go far.

Thank you, sir. It's not often we police get such sincere compliments passed

about us. Really?

I can't understand why not.

These are a few of the replies to the eager letters begging me to tear aside

the facade of the planetarium mystery.

and reveal the truth of the years to come.

I often look in the morning papers to find out my own horoscope.

What about you, Sergeant?

Oh, not me, sir. It's a racket.

Oh, thank you so much, Sergeant. I knew I could rely on you for a bit of rapier

-like wit.

It's got to apply to somebody somewhere.

I mean, somebody's got to be lucky or unlucky.

For instance, this morning, mine said... I'm a Virgo, by the way.

Make good use of your quiet, sincere Virgo charm to overcome cynical and

overbearing people, and you will achieve your ultimate objective.

Promotion will be in the offing.

Oh, yes, indeed, sir.

You've got a very good memory, Chief Inspector.

Not really, Mr. Galaxy.

I mean, my wife, Sir Gemini, they told her just the same thing two months ago.

No doubt, Mr. Galaxy, you are dying to know why Sergeant Johnson and I have, in

astrological terms, as it were, collided with you.

Eh, Sergeant?

There was an occurrence five years ago, in June, on the 3rd inst.

All right, Johnston, I'll do this.

It's only routine, so we'd like you to help us with our inquiries.

If you could tell us what you were doing on the 3rd of June five years ago when

we returned, we'd be obliged.

All right, Johnston.

Just a minute, Chief Inspector.

What's all this about?

A Securico van was robbed, sir.

One of the guards was killed, and the thieves got away with 350,000 pounds.

I've been assigned to reopen the inquiry.

Very nice flat you have here, sir.

The astrology business must be in very good shape.

Well, I'm sorry, Chief Inspector. You've caught me on the hop this morning.

I had a very blessed night, what with one thing and... And the other, sir.

No, I do apologise.

Could I please have offered you a cup of coffee?

Oh, don't apologize, sir. It's a sign of weakness.

Oh, yes.

Don't apologize.

That's a sign of weakness.

That's the one, yes. It was John Wayne in the film. She wore a yellow ribbon

and he said it to the young lieutenant.

You could well be right, sir.

That painting of the weasel and the rat, that's interesting, sir.

Well, it is mine.

Do you think I've nicked it? Oh, no, sir. No,

you see, I...

I once saw a weasel confronting a rat and it stuck in my mind.

You know, the terrified look on the rat's face?

I told my girlfriend about it and that's the result.

You see, the rat realized it couldn't escape.

Yes.

Well, good afternoon, Mr. Galaxy.

We'll call again. Come along, sir.

I'll see you out.

Where the hell are my diaries?

They bloody well should have been here.

Ah!

Got it.

Sanctuary.

Why pick on me now?

I would have expected them to when things were ever so slightly different

ten years ago.

That's when the fellas and me were collecting a bit, if you'll pardon the

expression, on the side.

That's Frank.

with Luigi the Wump.

Luigi is completely grey, all except for his hair.

He's come here to take back his case of money on the table.

Well, the aim of my game is to see that he doesn't.

Mm-hmm, okay.

Still, I wonder if the guy's thinking in the right spirit.

75% proof.

Say, this looks like trouble.

Oh, no, no, don't go!

A cop ain't a cop, Sharkers. That's my old mate Steve, see?

Well, I guess if blood pellets are good enough for wrestlers, they're good

enough for me and Steve.

Steve's a great fella.

And now and again, and I do mean now, we have a little fun.

Just for kicks.

Watch Steve in action again.

He enjoys his bit as much as I enjoy my bit afterwards.

It always helps to, um, overcome shock.

If you, uh, sort of... unloosen... the, um... the neck

covering.

Blimey, if you loosened any more, you'd be treating me for paralysis.

Oh, I... A little drink here? Yes, please.

Um, sit over there. Thank you.

Make it more ginger ale than brandy, won't you, David? I don't want a large

one.

I did so hope she was talking about the drink.

Just right.

It goes.

It's a shock, isn't it?

Yes, I did warn you, didn't I? You see, you can't be too careful about shock.

You'd better sort of... sort of... Yes, that's right. Just hang on to me.

Yes. I suppose so.

Come over here and see what I do for a living.

I'm... I'm a doctor of astrology.

Stars and that.

Well, yes, the science of the stars.

And that, yes.

What is your birth sign?

Capricorn. Oh, yes, Capricorn.

Venus and Mercury are both well situated in your chart.

Until the 26th.

Yes, but there's some action arising here concerned with your relatives.

My sister's having a divorce.

Oh,

yes, and love is very much to the fore.

I should have been an actor.

Not a Shakespearean actor, though.

I've never been very fond of the old bard.

I mean, it's a bit unbelievable, isn't it?

Fancy writing stuff like, all the world's a stage.

I mean, if it is, where are all the bleeding dressing rooms?

Anne was fine, though.

You might say even full of enthusiasm.

I enjoyed it up to the point. You see, I said to her, no, darling, you on top.

And after that... I had this ridiculous thought which almost ruined it for me.

I kept on hearing a bus conductor shout, Room for one more on top!

Room for one more on top!

I think she went for the astrology kick.

It's more romantic being laid by an astrologer than a filing clerk, isn't

it? It's odd, you know.

A lot of people seem to think that people like me con money out of starry

-eyed ladies. Now this is just about as true as the Prime Minister trying to

persuade us that crime does not pay.

And we all know that the only way to stop crime paying is to nationalize it.

Christ,

I needed these two like the gas board needs another complaint.

Good morning, Mr. Galaxy.

You recognize me. Good morning, Chief Inspector.

I'm sorry I can't stop a little tater-tater now. I really must go.

He won't take a jiffy, sir. I'll handle this one, Johnson.

Oh, I'm in charge.

It was 8.12.

Didn't he do well?

I'll leave you two to chat among yourselves, I must be honest. We want

the details of your alibi, sir.

Well, my alibi is quite in order. Take my word for it.

I'll leave you to chat among yourselves.

Excuse me. This is an official video, sir.

Official? Well, in that case, I believe I can refuse to talk unless a solicitor

is present and mine isn't. Some other time, perhaps?

He's very sure of himself, sir.

For the moment, yes.

They all start their way, Johnson.

And they start a crack.

It's quite an experience watching them crack.

Yeah, but if his alibi's all right... Once a crook, always a crook, Johnson.

Lunch with Susan Carter.

Marvellous.

Ta-da!

It would take a sheer genius to dream up a disguise like that.

Mary Watson.

During my life of combating crime, I've suddenly realised that the more obvious

is the least discernible.

Let me guess.

Sydney Green Street?

Not enough kindness in the world, my dear.

Not enough kindness.

Cary Grant.

Cary Grant?

No, I'm Basil.

I beg your pardon, but the bone got stuck in my throat.

You've heard it. No, I thought, what with the dark glasses, the stick and the

limp, you know what I mean.

Oh, for instance, the little Pakistani gentleman over there... ...that's hardly

going to say, good gracious me... ...can long be living in the turbaned district

grounds. Can my eyes actually be clapping sights... ...of Mr. David

Galaxy and the beautiful NP lady... ...who should not be going meeting like

this? Look, I have to go in a minute.

Listen, can't you tell me you're sick or something?

No, it is very important.

If I don't turn up for the debate and vote against it... ...we could lose, and

then I'd be in trouble.

It's just my luck, isn't it, to fall for a lady MP?

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you get a divorce and marry me?

You could still go on destroying the country. I mean, I wouldn't mind.

I really do have to go in a minute.

So let's drop the subject.

Now, I shall be in town again on the 14th.

And the evening's free.

There you are, girl. Hi, David. Won't keep you long.

Look,

dear, you're just about getting on my tits. Well, good for you. What did he

say? He said that was the bleeding idea.

My usual, please.

Right, starting with a lightly crushed apple.

Excellent. And now a slice of lemon, please. Preferably shredded and Spanish

from the southern place.

Excellent. And now a large Pimlico gin, merely covering it with

soup of dry martini, and this time, not too much.

Thank you.

Cold fingers.

What are you doing tonight?

Oh, I've got to meet Amanda in a minute for my psychiatric session.

Oh, she'll soon straighten you out.

Well, straight.

The last place I want to be is out.

Right on.

It is though.

Lovely ladies.

Hey, Dave.

Same again, Joe.

How did you get on with the traffic warden? Did he score? Did I score? I

made the Chelsea football team look sick.

I hope the performance is as good as the line. You do doubt me?

Oh, no way, Jim.

Cheers, Dave. Cheers.

Cheers.

Dave, me and the club staff have got an idea that's really you.

Yeah? Yeah.

Come on,

Steve.

I mean, I know you. What are you going to make out of this?

Oh, you'll make something, too.

And money as well.

Okay, what's the score?

Now look, I've got to meet Amanda in a few minutes.

Just what else have I got to make?

You ever heard of Madison Cumming?

Of course, yes. She's a living legend.

The only girl in the world who's never had an orgasm, right?

That's right.

That's medical, yeah.

Ever seen her?

No. But from all accounts, I mean, she makes a Venus de Milo look like a

little, poor, deprived child, right?

Right.

Cut this.

The size.

Look.

Jesus. Oh, Jesus never came back looking like that.

Well, he wouldn't be short of disciples if he did, right?

I like it. I like it.

Well, how would you like to lay her?

Eh?

I'll make a profit on the side, too, as well. If it works.

Who do you mean, if it works? I've never failed to make a breaker safe yet.

Listen. Will you?

only found a book here willing to lay odds that you join the other 1

,750 Knicks failures she's had.

I say, I say, I say, I resemble that remark.

No, it's a bloody insult, and I'm not going to stand for that.

No, please yourself while you do it.

No,

leave it to me, I'll fix it.

Oh, are we going to clean up on you babies, eh?

I'll put a score on for you two as well.

How's that?

Look, the venue.

Well, I'd like it at my place, if it's possible.

Sure, sure. That's all right.

What mill he has?

We'll travel.

That's exciting.

Look, I've got to piss off.

Got to be fair.

When do you normally bite the lobe of my left ear?

My first instinct is to scream stitches, and my second for a bad day.

But tonight, you've got a problem.

A problem? So what?

Well, a problem affects a performance, and a bad performance is a waste of

time, so...

Well, my problem, my angel, walks around in a raincoat under the name of Chief

Inspector Evans of Scotland Yard.

My problem, that is, not the raincoat.

Are you in trouble with the police?

Are you?

I don't know.

You see, he came to see me this morning and he wanted to know where I was.

Five years ago on June the 3rd.

Yeah, odd.

Let's not let Chief Inspector Evans spoil our evening.

Let's get down to the problems in hand.

But listen, are you in the clear?

Of course.

You see, it just so happens that I keep a diary.

So...

Five years ago, I met this nice little old man in a pub. He was going to see

his wife in hospital.

He got no transport, so I offered him a lift.

I've got their names and addresses to prove it.

So, there's no problem.

What a handsome, good Samaritan you are.

Not really.

This wasn't doing anyone at the time.

Jesus Christ!

Holy mackerel, Lemos!

The gospel, it sure is spinning.

Bastards! Come on, love, it was an accident.

Bloody hassle! Everybody farts!

Oh, no, don't tell me. I mean, everybody farts, but one.

You.

Here, then.

Here, then.

Here's to a lovely evening with you and David.

I couldn't really care less. I'm post-caring.

Come on, Milly. Love this copy you took.

I can assure you it is.

My mouth opened and the words came out, didn't they?

What's the matter, my asthma?

No, no, no.

No.

It's just that... No, I was thinking, it's a great pity that you weren't

waiting. Because, well, he's such a charming guy.

Oh, God, not another.

charming guy.

I am sick of charming guys.

I don't know, Steve, there must be something else in this world I can do

apart from lying on my back with my legs wide apart for charming guys.

I know, love.

I know. I was only trying to help you, Millie.

You see, David needs reassurance.

He's my best friend and when I told him about your little problem,

Well, I thought that, well, it would help if you two got together.

I don't blame you.

I'm feeling the way you do.

Mind you, a chat might have helped.

A chat?

Yeah.

Now, I know I'm talking out of line when I tell you this, but David didn't want

to meet you. Oh, didn't he? I know. No, it's not like that.

David didn't want to embarrass you, that's all.

You see, he doesn't get about much. It was your photograph when he saw it.

Now, he thought you had beauty, but it was your warmth that did it.

My warmth?

Listen, you'd kill me if you knew I told you this.

But he said that he thought that you had...

Jesus, he sure got away with words. Promise me you'll never tell him that I

told you that for St.

Peter's.

Sounds like a nice guy.

Diamond.

I wonder if he could help me with my problem.

I doubt it.

But it's worth a try.

I could fit him in nicely on Wednesday week.

Bless you. She is a saint.

Think of it as charity work.

Why are you getting upset over a little thing like that?

Where's your sense of humour? You can't put it all down there.

Am I not staying here tonight? I'm sleeping on the sofa.

You really are a silly little boy.

Well, you're the psychiatrist.

You should know how something like that can deflate your ego.

And not only the ego.

My God, what a sight to see you getting into bed naked, so proud of your

precious tool.

Well, it was pretty funny last night when it went... Dedicated to you and the

only love of your life, your prick.

With my little stick of black bull rock Along the promenade I stroll It may be

sticky, but I shan't complain As long as I can have it now and again Shit!

This flat is just a mantle for your dirty, squalid little life. And I've got

to get out of it before I get contaminated by it.

Yes, hello.

Hey. Yeah, hi, Steve.

You're on.

Well, I guess it took a bit of sweet-talking, but... Once I turn

around, baby, they drop everything.

No, the odds are, but I want to make at least a monkey out of this.

Five hundred, not a chimpanzee, right?

Okay. Yeah.

Charter. Talk to you soon. Ciao. Steve had fixed up the contest with

Millie. Also, he was going to put something in the kitty for me if I put

something in the pussy for him.

Ah, it's my friend Lycopper, arriving as arranged, dead on time.

Dead? No, no, that's wishful thinking.

Peek-a-boo!

Good morning, Mr. Galaxy.

Chief Inspector Evans. Yes, Chief Inspector Evans.

Do come up.

Morning.

Yeah, I train.

I'll help you with your coat.

Thank you very much.

Please, Josu. Come in, Inspector.

Are we waiting for Godot?

Who, sir?

Your Sergeant Johnson.

Oh, no, sir. This is an unofficial visit. Ah, well, do take a pew, Chief

Inspector. Don't worry, you won't catch anything through your trousers in my

place. I bring a very high-class bird up here, you know. Good Lord, it's opening

time already.

Can I get you something?

That's very kind of you, Mr. Galaxy.

Oh, what would you like?

Well, let's start with a crushed ice, followed by some lemon, preferably

Spanish and shredded from the southern Spains, a large pimlico gin, and covered

by the smallest soup of dry martini.

Not very good.

Well, unfortunately, my private plane is late coming in, and I'm right out of

lemons. And as you know, without the lemons, you might as well drink scotch.

And it's not a bad anaesthetic for the early morning liver.

Scotch will do fine, sir. We're just the softest touch of tap water. Certainly.

I'm so glad you chose Scotch for three reasons.

One, because it's my favourite.

Second, because it's a very good brand.

And third, I've run out of everything else.

Ah.

Cheers.

Here to El Cid. El Cid.

I'll drink to that, sir.

I think you'll find what you've been looking for over this way, Inspector.

Yes, I think you'll find this clears me, Inspector. It's the address of the old

couple I was with on the third instant.

Let's hope so, Mr. Galaxy.

Why in God's name did you pick on me in the first place?

Oh, just a high-up, sir, not me.

They reopened a suspect file on the Securicor robbery.

Found a witness who'd seen you near the scene of the crime that day.

Hope I'm not keeping you.

No, no.

Nobody keeps the self-employed, Inspector.

You should know that.

Appreciate the hospitality, Mr. Galaxy.

We coppers don't often meet generous people like yourself.

Ah, you're welcome.

Call in any time.

We all have our fortunes told now and again when we're kids.

It doesn't seem possible that grown-ups, adults, should take it all so seriously.

But astrology is a very serious subject, Chief Inspector Evans.

It's not material.

It's not something you can put your finger on, like a little brown nipple on

a well-rounded booby.

It's like a religion.

It has a basis for belief, but it does give them something to cling on to.

Well, I can understand that. I'm an atheist.

Oh, so your belief is no belief?

Yes, I suppose so.

Surely, Mr. Galaxy, and I mean this with every respect to your profession, surely

an intelligent person... Excuse me.

Would you say that Adolf Hitler was unintelligent? No.

Well, he based his whole campaign on the stars.

And he lost.

Yes, only when he went against the stars.

You see, he thought he was all-powerful.

When he disregarded the stars in the final phase and attacked Russia...

Instead of Great Britain, sorry, as you were once known, he lost.

Charlie, when you give astrological advice to your clients, do you honestly

believe it yourself?

Let me tell you something, Chief Inspector.

When you called here the other day, the Sergeant Johnson, after you'd left,

one of the first things I did was consult my horoscope.

Jesus.

Well, that's not bad for an atheist.

Thanks once again for the hospitality, Mr. Galaxy.

Pity you won't be meeting again.

Yes, I shall have to find something else to fill in my time.

I'll check your evidence.

Yes, do that.

You know, they're a nice old couple, the Stones.

I only met them once.

She was very sick in hospital at the time.

When you see them, give them my love.

I will, sir.

Yes, I agree with you.

A great little mover.

She is Kate.

by Opega and O'Waterpeg.

Hello, hello, hello.

David? Yeah, it sure is me, honey.

Oh, good, good. This is Anne.

My hubby Eddie's on his way round.

Why, does he want to watch?

What made Eddie suspicious?

Well, I suppose it all started with the Colonel in Number 19 Erskine Road.

The who? The Colonel in Number 19 Erskine Road.

You do understand, don't you, David?

I had to give him your name and address or he'd have found out about me and

Gascoigne. Darling, Gascoigne comes, if that's the right expression, as rather

an anti-climax, if that's the right expression at this precise moment in

time. I think that Goliath Eddie is approaching his poor little Davin.

I had just the answer to Eddie.

My savage dog affects deep. Some growls from that and a touch of poofy acting,

and it always saves the rough stuff.

No, no, I'm not a coward. I just hate to see my body abused.

Oh, look at the muck on here.

Shut that door.

Now, to only be a concern, I must warn you that, um... I don't encourage any

hawkers, succulents...

If you don't stop growling, dear, I shall come over there and kick you right

in your ornamentals.

Oh, I'm sorry, Tredge.

Excuse me, but is that a Mr. David Gallagher?

Fang!

Oh, sorry, Tredge. I see that, um, well, Fang's our war friend. I think she's got

a touch of the vapors.

What does he do now?

Fang, now do give over. We've got a gentleman calling.

Bleeding hell.

You were saying nothing.

Oh, shit.

Oh, she's a journey's end, is that dull?

Mm, trips visitors, just like the rag dolls.

Well, I've got a bunch of fives for a Mr. David Galaxy.

Oh, now, come on, supersonic.

Don't be camp.

Fang! Will you stop that? It's most unhygienic.

What if I am? I didn't come round for any of that.

Oh,

fang! We must get back to the war with this dog.

Oh, darling, sorry, dear.

Let's get on Australia's business, shall we?

Well, I'm here because... You what?

Eh, ducky?

Look, Mr David Gaddock's never had his nuptials with anyone's missus.

We don't mess with Mr Inbetween here.

Left here a long time ago.

I forgot my new owner was coming.

Good afternoon, Mr. Galaxy.

Mr. Pringle. Madame, please do come in.

Yes.

What an absolutely underwhelming surprise this is.

Witty, very witty.

I'd like to introduce you to the new owner of our block of flats, Miss Jenny

Stride. Really?

It's so nice of you to call. How do you do?

Would you like a drink? No, I don't think Miss Stride... Thank you, Mr

Pringle. I am perfectly capable of answering for myself.

Yes, of course. I spoke without thinking. I do apologise.

Thank you, Mr Pringle. Like my late mother and father, I seldom ever touch

alcohol. Like me.

I was merely going to suggest...

Tea or coffee? With or without milk and sugar? Coffee would be fine. No sugar

and just a touch of milk. Ah, fine.

Something stronger for you, of course, Mr Pringle.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Especially while I'm on duty, if I could just have some

coffee, please. Ah, certainly.

Oh, I'm sorry, of course. When I said have a drink, you saw the bar and

thought I meant... Oh, no, it's funny.

It's funny.

No, I occasionally have a friend round here who does like the odd drink, but I

only use alcohol for medicinal purposes.

What an interesting flat you have, Mr. Galaxy.

Small correction, Miss Stride. What an interesting flat you have.

Do look around.

I'll get the coffee.

What a nice man.

Oh, a real gentleman, Miss Stride.

And that is really rather a beautiful table. I do so like antiques. Oh, me as

well. Well, I always have done.

Quinn, are you all right, Miss Stride? Yes, sir.

Is everything all right, Miss Stride? Come along, Mr. King. We'll get a large

brandy for you. No, no, no. Please, please.

It's just the sight of those two awful vermin staring at one another.

Come on.

No arguments. Doctor's orders. What if you insist?

Oh, that's better.

My late dear mother and father always said that if one feels faint, one should

take a deep breath.

My head is clearing already.

Ah, the coffee's ready.

Mr. Galaxy.

Yes?

What sort of business are you in?

Well, I study the stars.

I'm an astrologer.

Why?

Well, I just happened to see that rather large pile of letters on your bureau.

Oh, that's just a few words of advice for my fans.

Oh, I'm so pleased to hear it.

Because, of course, you do realize that anyone carrying on business from my

premises cannot possibly stay here.

Of course.

I'll get the coffee.

The next day, a letter from Miss Stride appeared, together with Kate and an

unexpected friend.

I'll take your coat.

You can sit down.

We'll have a drink?

Oh yes, please.

Not even 30 seconds.

Come on, leave it.

There's the police, and now Miss Stride.

Why? Why?

Come in.

Ah.

Miss Stride?

Mr. Pringle, I want you to be perfectly honest with me.

Yes, well, I would like to point out, Miss Stride, in self-defense... Not

about yourself.

If I say so myself, I do my job to the best of my ability in my loyalty to you

and the... Mr. Pringle, I merely want to ask you a simple question in confidence.

Yes, well, as I explained, Miss Stride, I do have the occasional drink when I'm

off duty, when I'm pursuing my... Didn't you hear what I said? It's not about

yourself. I'm perfectly happy with your work.

Would you please come further into the room? I'm tired of raising my voice.

How well do you know David Galaxy?

Yes, well, although I am manager of the flats, Miss Stride...

I do pride myself.

In fact, no one in my entire career could ever accuse me of prying into

people's private affairs because I believe in loyalty and the job. I can

see that. Thank you, Mr. Pringle.

Thank you, Miss Stride. And if there's anything I can do, please ask.

And furthermore, the trust would like to be advised of any action taken in this

matter. Yours faithfully, et cetera, et cetera.

Mr. David Galaxy to see you, ma'am. Oh, show him in, would you please, Janice?

Certainly, Miss Dwight.

Mr.

Galaxy, do sit down. Oh, thank you.

I apologize for this sudden royal command, as it were.

I do hope it wasn't too inconvenient.

No, of course not, no.

It's nice to see you so soon.

Now, I know it's well past closing time. But even my dear mother and father

didn't say no to the occasional sherry on certain social occasions.

And this is mainly social.

How delightful it is. Thank you, I'd love one.

I felt a slight chill stealing over me.

It was intuition.

It was also the Chief Inspector Evans' technique.

Jesus, keep charming, I told myself.

And I kept the smile. It was difficult.

What did she want?

Cheers. Cheers.

I like your... my flat, Mr. Galaxy.

It's so nice of you to call.

Yes, I love it there. Well, it's part of me. It's my life.

Actually, I'd like to pay my rent so far in advance that when I die, my coffin

and I can lie there forever.

Sweet thought.

A little morbid, don't you think? It's sheer heaven if you're Count Dracula.

Well, Miss Stride, as much as I'm enjoying this pleasant tete-a-tete,

there must be some sort of reason why you've invited me to your office.

Mundane, really.

It concerns your friends.

How well do you know Chief Inspector Evans?

Oh, no.

I'm not Chief Inspector Evans, of all people.

A great character. Why?

He was up here the other day, that's all.

Really?

Well, don't take too much notice of him.

I mean, he's a lovely fellow, but... Look, Miss Stride, I like you.

So listen to me, for God's sake.

You see, the Chief Inspector is a bit of a womanizer.

So don't believe all he tells you. I should hate you to fall for that one.

You see, if you've asked me up here for advice, as obviously you have... I don't

need your advice.

The inspector... I'm sorry, no, you mustn't call him inspector.

I said that. He doesn't like it. He wants the full, uh, chief inspector.

Merely wanted the terms of your contract.

Really?

I'm off to the races.

Naturally, I only bet on the fillies.

Out, Ed.

I didn't realise when I got into my car and drove off that the inscrutable Chief

Inspector Evans was waiting outside my flag, all ready to tail me.

Don't ask me why.

What do you think I was going to do?

Flog my binoculars for the fad and skip the country?

Funny fellas, coppers.

I've always classed them as men with mental hernias.

Never mind.

What was I thinking about?

Oh, yes.

Susan Carter, the MP.

You know, MPs are on the same level as the police in the mental hernia space.

They never give you a straight answer to your question.

You say, lovely morning, isn't it?

What does the MP reply?

Nothing so simple as a yes or a no.

Oh, no.

He says, I have been asked that question before and I refuse to comment.

You know, if idiots like you and I didn't give them a comfortable living,

we'd have another 600 odd no-hopers in the dog queue now, wouldn't we?

Anyway, I was looking forward to my day.

I would spend the day in the members' enclosure and the night enclosed in

Susan's member.

This is where being an astrologer comes in handy. I mean, how can all those

punters expect to win?

For those of you who've never been to the races, it's very simple.

You go to the toilet window, put a pony on your horse, and with luck, you make a

monkey out of it.

I work it out by the stars.

Let's have a look at the runners.

June bride by father, out of pocket, not bad, not bad.

Well, June bride's first sign is saggy trousers.

And Sagittarius to you, which says... Oh, whoops, did I mean yourself? Now

then, mademoiselle.

Oh, yes, Sagittarius.

Which says some happy news of a personal nature, very shortly.

Well, as I said, we don't backbreak as Gigi's do, he says. Scrub that. Now

then, what's this?

Thin to late.

Oh, I wonder what he does after that.

Naughty girl.

Fairy me.

Capricorn. Capricious. Uninhibited. Lucky birthday the 23rd. Today's the

23rd. I'll have a bit with naughty girl. Good thinking, brain.

and sophisticated, dignified. Every time we had it away, it was like making love

with an accent.

Hi,

Steve. Hi, Joe.

Give us a large scotch, will you?

Wow, it's a little early society over drinking, isn't it? How are

you going to bug David's bed?

Oh, it's easy, isn't it?

I've promised to deliver him some booze that fell off the back of a lorry. Can

we meet him?

He's lent me his keys to get in, just in case he's out.

Which he will be.

Hey, listen, I'm looking forward to this.

Well, I've never heard a blow-by-blow commentary before, have you?

Neither have I.

I've arranged for the club to be closed the whole evening for a private

function. Oh, that's masterly, masterly. A little bit of everything we've tried.

Just a few of us.

Yes? Inspector Evans.

Come in

Gentlemen

do come in. I'm sorry you are Can I offer you something? A soft

drink? Gin, whiskey, vodka, brandy, cyanide?

It's a little early in the morning for poison, Sir Alex. Are you excited?

Oh, yes, sir.

So, as it's not a strictly official visit, why not?

I think I'd like a vodka and soda with no ice, thank you.

You've got a nerve charging for tonics these days.

Drinks cost enough as it is.

Oh, yes, indeed, sir.

Chief Inspector. Thank you, sir.

Something for you, Constable?

A sergeant, sir.

Of course.

I'd like a ginger ale.

Certainly.

Feel free.

Now, Chief Inspector, what's all this about?

That's very nice.

Oh, yes, I always feel that the soda helps to drive it down, and it gives it

a sort of distinctive and individual flavor.

Oh, I agree, sir.

It's quite a favorite with a wife.

Mr. Gaddick, sir, you haven't got an alibi.

Good God almighty.

I am.

Hey, Chief Inspector.

The old couple?

The Stones?

It's true.

Look, it's in my diary and it's bloody true.

I've no doubt, Sis, there was an elderly couple living at the address you gave

me. And the wife was in hospital.

Well, that's all right, then.

What else do you want?

A couple of dead bodies can hardly testify to an alibi, can they?

You'll have to think again, Mr. Galaxy.

What else did you do on that day?

You must have been out somewhere with somebody or in somewhere with somebody.

Come on, man, think.

I'll tell you what I'll do, Chief Inspector, yeah.

Well, I will think about it and... I'll call you tomorrow, perhaps.

I think we can leave now, Sergeant.

It seems that Mr.

Galaxy is too big to accept our help.

I'm sorry, Chief Inspector. It's just that... Look, the thing is this.

I'm under suspicion for robbery.

Possibly murder.

Now, come on, man. You put yourself in my place.

Mrs. Galaxy, I'm trying to help you because I believe what you're saying,

that you could be facing a murder weapon.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

You see, I'm not used to friendly and helpful coppers, right?

And I'm savoring the experience.

I'm basking in it, sir.

You see, Mr. Galaxy, you're the only suspect we have without an alibi. Isn't

that right, sir? Oh, indeed, sir.

Exactly. And I'll let it start from the beginning.

You get your diary. We'll go through it together.

We'll find something.

Go on, man. Get it.

Yes, sir.

Hey, thank you.

I think you'll find everything in there.

Thank you, sir.

I thought you said you kept a detailed account of your activities.

Yes, that's right, I do.

You don't, you know.

Look at these blanks.

The whole day blank, yeah?

And this one, sir, the current diary.

The current diary is hardly relevant, John.

It can't be a blank.

What happens on these blanks?

This is strictly confidential.

So is 20 years, sir.

For the last years, I've been leading Susan Carter, the MP.

So?

She's married.

She doesn't want it, well, our affair to be made public.

That's why I've kept the pages blank.

In case that diary gets into the wrong hands.

And you saw her on June the 3rd?

That's right, yes.

I picked her up in Victoria and took her back to my place to...

Via Shepherd's Bush.

Shepherd's Bush?

Put your notebook away, Johnson. Yes, come on. Put your notebook away.

Yes.

Yeah, well, you see, what happened? We went there to pick up some booze and

oysters. You know what they say about oysters.

Yeah, well, this man in the bush, if you'll pardon the expression, he

guarantees his oysters and he's got nine children to prove it.

Suddenly you're putting it together.

Now, allow me, sir, I'll be very discreet.

As long as I've got her word that you were with her, forget it. The whole

matter is dropped.

A small libation for the road, would you say, sir?

Yes.

Hey, thanks, Chief Inspector.

Sir, the Chief Inspector.

I think we agreed to keep this off the record, no matter what.

With a murder rap hanging over your head, it would take a real coward not to

support you.

Yes, well,

I think I'll just give her a quick ring and tell her there's nothing to worry

about. I wouldn't do that, sir.

I've met this sort before.

Now, you stay out of it. Leave it all to me.

Oh, excuse me.

Thank you.

Here's to the rat.

All we have to do now, Johnson, is wait here until I can say I told you so.

You think he will go out on the phone, sir?

Oh, yes.

You reckon we got his phone tapped.

He thinks he's clever.

The only thing with these clever clogs is to be just one jump ahead.

I think he's beginning to crack, don't you, sir?

I ought to, Johnson.

It's quite fun watching the process if you're a sadist.

I suppose I am a bit of a sadist.

Bloody criminals.

He's due for a spell inside his article friend, teach him to keep on the

straight and narrow.

There you are.

What did I tell you?

You owe me 10p. Come on, hand it over.

Was Evans really trying to help me?

Or was he doing his police concert party piece?

I wish I knew.

Hello, yes.

Could I speak to Mrs.

Susan Carter, please?

Yes, I know.

Yes, Mr. Quilt, what is your problem?

Darling?

Yes. Um, Lytton, uh, this is urgent.

Gee.

Hey, come with us.

I'll do that one instead.

I'll, uh... It's the end of the movie, right?

Oh, come on, darling. Of course I'm innocent.

I don't know why he's blaming me for all this. He's got me on his wanted list.

I've got one here.

What for?

We'll have the bar and the beer. BBC.

Have it.

Look,

darling, I mean, the last thing in the world I want to do is involve you,

but...

Well, if I don't, I mean, I'm facing a merger charge.

Look,

Susan, darling, if ever I've meant anything to you, could you... Of course

I will.

I love you.

See you soon.

Bye.

Hi, David, baby.

Steve.

Yeah, we're at the Concordia, having a bit of a bye.

Hey, listen, madam arrived yet?

Not yet.

Ah, well, best of luck and... Oh, oh, an additional bet.

Yeah, an additional bet.

She never spends the night with anyone, all right? Okay? So if you can manage to

persuade her, there's some extra bread coming your way.

Hey, and, uh... Suck sex?

Suck sex.

Hey, listen, Billy's due at any minute, okay? So what we'll do is we'll give him

a little bit of privacy for about an hour.

There's no point in plugging this thing in yet, is there? We're starting.

Come on!

Hello.

Yes.

Is that Millie?

Well, come right in, darling.

I left the main door open for you.

I'm looking forward to meeting you.

I felt like Muhammad Ali, Musfield, meeting his opponent for the first time.

Except that once I'd put Millie on her back, I hoped she'd want to stay there

until I was counted out.

Hello. Looks as if you've got a great place there, if I get to see it.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was sort of drinking you in.

Sort of an aperitif before dinner.

Thank you.

I'll take your coat.

You're incredibly beautiful.

Camporian soda, please.

Cheers.

Cheers.

I thought a dinner for two might be more civilised than a quick bark from Fido

and then goodnight all. Who's Fido?

Lives in there with his two friends in a little kennel.

And I've told him if he's a good boy, later on he can come out and see a

beautiful lady.

You are funny.

I love men that make me laugh.

Want to show you something?

You mean Fido?

No, I want to see how the stars are working for you.

What is this, a wake? It's supposed to be a party. Come on, drink up. It's down

to me.

Later,

I guess.

To the future. The future.

You know, you're not at all how Steve described you.

Really?

Right.

What an artist.

What's that mean?

That was a super dinner darling.

I'm so glad I came tonight.

That comes later.

Well?

Understand his orders. Right, right.

Look at me.

Oh, that's all I need.

David.

Come on.

That's the way.

That's the way, baby.

That's the way, baby.

Oh, my God.

What a technique.

If I were with him now, I'd be praying.

Praying for him to lay me.

You'll never go down on your knees, will you, love? I wouldn't be on my knees to

him. I'd be on my back.

I'd be on my knees after.

Right. Okay, you got it?

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Now.

Now.

I love you.

Fabulous feeling.

When can I see you again?

The night is still young.

Right. What's happened to your usual bonhomie? Has it disappeared up your

proverbial whistle?

I'm sorry, sir. I've come here to charge you.

Eh?

Well, why charge me?

Because you have no alibi, sir.

Come off it, Chief Inspector.

Even you can't go against the word of an MP.

And Susan Carter told me she bugged me up to the proverbial hilt. That's just

the trouble, sir.

She didn't.

I told you not to phone her.

I said leave it to me. I said I'd seen this all before.

She changed her mind.

They always do if you give them time to think.

You better pour yourself a drink, sir. I think you'll need one.

You? Not on duty, sir.

She not only denied knowing you or having heard of you, but she said if it

came to a case, her husband would back her up.

She's lying.

I know that.

You know that and she knows that.

You know?

Oh, yes.

I saw you leaving her apartment the other night.

Well, you know I'm innocent.

Yeah, but my word doesn't mean a thing against her, sir.

What it boils it down to, Mr. Galaxy, is that an eyewitness will swear that you

drove the getaway car.

Now, if you can't provide proof that you're innocent, the law says you're

guilty.

Look, um, give me a couple of days.

There must be somebody who can vouch for me.

The oil to cellar.

He's not there anymore, sir. I've checked.

But I'll go along with you. I mean, 20 years is a long time. That's a couple of

days.

Good luck, sir.

I hope you find somebody.

Sergeant Johnson and I'll let ourselves know.

Hi.

You see what I mean, Johnson?

It's nice to watch crooks wriggling on a hook, isn't it? Oh, yes, indeed, sir.

Amanda, darling.

Yes, uh...

I'm in a most terrifying spot.

I've been set up for a murder charge.

What do you mean, a sausage?

I'm innocent.

Look, for God's sake, Amanda, listen to me.

No, don't...

Back

to the yard, I think, Johnson.

My word, I wish I had all the money he's gonna be spending on phone calls.

That's steady.

You're not the head of the Wandsworth Prisoners' Escape Committee just yet.

Yet ever so humbly.

Hello?

Hello, Mum.

Oh, what do you want?

What? Well, nothing really.

Well, I just wanted to know how everybody was.

Doing very well without you, thank you.

Time flies, you know it is.

Actually, Mum, I was ringing up to find out what you and Dad would like for your

wedding anniversary present.

I know it's sometime this month.

You're a bit late for that. It was two months ago.

Better late than never.

Come on, Mum, what would you like?

A son who appreciates his parents, that's all.

But I do.

You ignored Stephen's christening.

And when your brother Tom went into the hospital with appendicitis, he could

have died for all you cared.

It turned to peritonitis.

Look, Mum, I'm very fond of Tom and... You know that, don't you? You're ashamed

of them and you're ashamed of us.

You've given yourself a good education and who gave you the chance for it? Your

father and me.

Fat lot who care about us.

Mother?

Hey, don't say that, eh?

You know you're hurting me.

You hurt?

I can't tell you how you've hurt all of us.

We never want to see you again.

Mum, please.

There's something I want you to do for me.

Why should I?

You don't help anybody except yourself.

Goodbye, David.

Steve.

That's right.

Good old Steve.

Please don't be on the phone, Steve.

Hey. Hi, Steve.

Hi, Dave.

I'm being set up for a murder charge. Hmm?

Yes, I'm bloody innocent.

It's a frame-up.

But it's just that...

If I can't get anybody to alibi me, the 3rd of June, five bloody years ago, I

could go down for 20 years, yeah.

I... Well, you would.

You'd say you were with me?

You're right.

Well, over to you. God bless you, kid.

I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Oh, Steve.

Oh, I love you, mate.

Reprieved. Steve, thank God for you.

Suddenly I wanted to celebrate.

And when the phone rang, I thought my prayers were answered.

Want to know who it was?

Remember Miss Beauty Bust? Yes, right.

Sandra. Like something a bit different?

You mean there's no alternative to sex?

Oh, you come with me, love.

Wait!

They saw me go blind with it.

I'd better wear my glasses.

Can you get free?

No.

Good.

It's a bit tight that one, a bit tight.

A bit restrictive, though.

It's very good.

Oh, yes.

Oh,

Toby.

Hey, where are you going?

What about me?

Don't answer the bloody door. I don't want an audience.

I feel... I feel ridiculous as it is, Alec.

You bloody trick nurse!

What are you doing?

Is everything ready, Joe?

You're eating men!

Look, bloody untie me!

What are you... Come on.

A few moments' time will see the end of your sex life, David.

You won't be able to go around boasting about screwing girls anymore.

Oh, come on, Christ's sake, let me bloody go!

Oh, no, come on, I've been a bastard in my time, I don't deserve...

No! No, not the... Not the... Don't worry, we'll leave you enough of it left

to pee.

You won't do a thing until you wake up.

No.

Will you hold it for me, Sandra?

And in your own interest, sir, I should stay out of this affair.

Look, I'm a good mate of David's, Inspector. Chief Inspector.

Chief Inspector.

I've already told you, I was with David on June the 3rd, five years ago.

You weren't, Sherlock.

I'm warning you, stay out of this.

It won't do Galaxy any good, or you, if you go inside as well.

What do you mean?

Perjury? We know all about the blood pellet scenes. Rumor has it that you

were in them. Did a very good dying performance, I believe.

He never had anything concrete, and Galaxy always had an alibi.

No, I don't arrest him. Somebody else will.

You want to keep him company?

Good.

The law wants Galaxy inside to teach him a lesson.

You make me feel like a mad bastard.

You're a sensible one.

You know, you've suddenly become a law-abiding citizen.

You help the police with their inquiries, good lesson.

Darling David, it's funny what people do for kicks, isn't it? Don't feel too

badly, and thanks so much for your part in it.

Laugh, you bitches.

You see, sir, you're in the laws of bad books.

You're a chapter inside those very hard covers.

Or at least you soon will be.

All right, Johnson, get him a drink.

I think we'll start with a crushed ice, then some lemon, preferably Spanish and

shredded and coming from the Sun Plains.

Give him a large scotch.

Don't take it too hard, Mr. Galaxy.

Prisons are quite comfortable these days.

Chief Inspector, in the nicest possible way.

You're a dirty, lousy, rotten bastard.

In fact, a typical copper. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Don't start writing here, Johnson.

Now, Mr. Galaxy, I'm going to do you a favor. Oh, don't tell me.

You were Father Christmas.

You want to hang me.

That's more like it, sir.

Now, as far as the law is concerned, you're guilty.

If you confess to being a part of the robbery, I'll eliminate you from the

murder charge.

All right?

This is blackmail.

And the aforesaid member of the gang involved in the Securico van robbery,

who is now serving his sentence in prison, confirms that on that day of

June the 3rd, the accused, David Galaxy, was in fact the driver of the getaway

car.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Thank you, Chief Inspector Evans.

You may stand down.

Well, I'm nicely stand up, aren't I?

All ready to be stamped and posted to one of Her Majesty's homes for

unexpectedly retired layabouts.

Why not make it easier for yourself?

You can't beat the evidence.

The accused please stand.

How does the accused plead?

Think I'll do my acting bit. I'll extract the urine.

Guilty, my lord.

Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence on you?

Yes, my lord.

I would like to apologize to the court for any inconvenience that I've caused.

The fact that I was involved in this crime is something that I shall regret

for the rest of my life.

The memory of my driving that getaway car is something that has haunted me

night and day.

I'm glad now that it's nearly over.

Perhaps I can sleep at night.

I feel very humble, my lord, standing in this dock.

Why?

God, why did I do it?

I just hope that I will be an example to anyone here who wishes to acquire money.

By easy means.

Thank you, my lord.

I shall now proceed to pass sentence.

Will the prisoner please stand?

You are found guilty in conspiring to rob a security corps van, and I sentence

you to five years in prison.

Take him down.

It's a lovely morning outside.

I have a call from Miss Jenny Stride. She sends her regards.

How terribly true.

She's had to let you flat to somebody else. Pity.

You're so proud of her. She thought you ought to have this.

After all, it is yours.

What, is it Christmas time already?

So soon?

The compliments of Sergeant Johnson.

It is Spanish for Southern Flames, and no doubt you'll have plenty of time to

shred it yourself.

Goodbye, Miss Garcia.

Thank you for watching.

is the kind who leaves the trace of love in your mind knowing his touch

will be as much of him you will find when you awake you know that

it was all his sake and you're the one another bet he's

won with each affair he leaves a trace of smoke in

the air

Oh man, he takes the most from life.