Original subtitles

["Soul On Top" playing]

♪ Yeah baby Come out here and do your thing, honey ♪

♪ Yeah, let her do her thing for ya ♪

♪ Tell me what's your favorite ♪

♪ Tell me what's your thing, girl ♪

- ♪ Baby, I know mine ♪ - [man sings along]

♪ Let me tell you how it is now ♪

- [man vocalizing] - ♪ Soul on top ♪

♪ You know the feeling Soul is on top ♪

[man] ♪ Washing a car ♪

Woo!

Damn!

♪ Soul on top… ♪

Hey. What's up, man?

Good, how you doin'?

- Good. Is this your Beemer? - Yeah.

Cool. I'm almost done. I just gotta do the interior.

- I'm Chris, by the way. - Keith.

Nice to meet you. It'll be five minutes, tops.

- You're good. Take your time. - Where you from, man?

Birmingham, Alabama.

Birmingham? Whoa, okay. I'm a Florida guy, born and raised.

Just trying to hustle, do my thing, you know?

Yeah, same here.

- Gotta fake it till you make it, right? - That's it.

[Chris] That's what I'm talking about. You know what's up, okay.

Right on, cool.

I knew a guy that, like, got a, uh…

[coughs]

[sentimental music swells]

- That was my high school crush. - [Keith] Huh?

I swear to God, that's my crush from high school.

- For real? - Yeah, yeah, that's Maria Li.

- For real? - I haven't seen her in forever, man.

I'm like… I'm like, shak... Yeah, dude. That's why I, like, got quiet.

I promised myself next time I saw her I was gonna ask her out.

- I don't even know if she remembers me. - Shoot your shot!

- You think so? - Yeah.

- I look like a shlub, though. - Ah, you look good, man.

You think so?

You should go do it. Just, "Hey, how you doing? You remember me?"

Yeah. Yeah, okay. All right, cool.

All right, let me... I'll vacuum your car, and then I'll get you out of here.

- Yeah. - [Keith] Thanks, man.

Can you just hit that "On" switch on the vacuum for me? Thanks, man.

- Right here? - Yeah, yeah. Thanks, man.

[whirring]

Yeah, there's probably so many other guys...

- [loud suction] - Shit!

[suction continues]

[Chris] Shit!

Oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit! What the fuck!

No, no, no, no, no! [rising in pitch] No, no, no! No, no, no, no!

Oh my God. Turn it off! What did you press? Turn it off. What the fuck?

- I'm gonna get fired again. - Oh, shit.

Give me your jacket. Jacket, jacket, jacket, jacket!

Thanks, man. Holy fuck, why, why, why?

- What did you do? - I just pressed "On"!

- [door opens, bell jingling] - Shit.

Oh, now that's Maria. That's Maria. Holy shit.

- [Maria] Excuse me, sir? - Oh, God!

- [car door shuts] - Hi. Hey. Hi.

Um, do you know how long an interior detail takes?

I'm a little bit in a rush, and don't know how long it's gonna take.

I'm not sure.

Psst.

Don't let her leave! Don't let her leave!

You know, I'm... I'm just gonna go to another car wash.

- Okay, thank you. Okay, thank you. - [Chris] Keith!

Get her number. Get her number. Get her number.

- Excuse me. - Yeah.

Can I get your number to have somebody call you?

My number? No. Uh…

Thank you, though. I... I'm good. Thanks.

- [car door shuts] - [engine starts]

[whispers] Dang.

Hey, dude, what… what the fuck just happened?

She just left, dude?

Fuck!

I was so close, though.

- No, you weren't! - Damn it.

[upbeat music]

[Chris] Bud, you will never guess who I just ran into at the car wash.

It's crazy. Let's hang out.

[Bud] Okay, cool. I got a customer. I'll see you after work.

[Chris] All right, bro. Talk to you soon.

- [Bud] Hi. How can I help you? - I broke this.

Is there any way you could possibly fix it?

I don't know if it's ruined completely, but...

I think it's something we can actually do.

- Luckily, we're not as busy... - [woman 1] Are you normally pretty busy?

Yeah, for some reason, everybody's breaking their phones.

[both laughing]

[Bud] Can I get your information?

- ♪ Bad bitch ♪ - [air horn]

♪ Yeah, you say you wanna pay my bills ♪

♪ Bad bitch ♪

♪ You ain't never met a bitch this real ♪

♪ Bad bitch ♪

♪ You know I love the way That raw dog feel, bad bitch ♪

-[Bud] 057... -[woman] What up, bro?

What... What up, Trina? What's up?

Nothing much. How you doing?

- Hi, how are you? - Good, good, good.

Y'all see that car right there?

- That's yours? - Yeah, that's my Bad Bitch right there.

When you see it, it makes everything okay, 'cause it's kinda like Pepto Bismol.

- There you go! - It fixes... It fixes everything.

I like to drink Pepto Bismol with a little bit of Hennessy in it.

- [woman 1] Really? - [Trina] Yeah, it's good.

What you need?

I need 50 bucks.

I'm at work. You can't ask me for money in front of everybody like that.

- I'm sorry about that. - No, no, that's okay.

This is my little brother. Come on.

First of all, ain't you supposed to be on house arrest?

[Trina] House arrest, shmouse arrest. Ain't nobody worried about that.

Let me hold 50.

Come on, bro.

[whispers] Don't do it.

I got 20 dollars.

- Twenty dollars? - That's all I got.

- That's it? - That's it.

- I know you got more than that. - What are you doing?

[Trina] Let me see. I know you got some money!

- Look at this. - That's just three dollars.

- You playin' with me? - No, that's my lunch money.

No, this mine. I'm so sick of you with your fucking crap.

- [till opens] - [Trina] Give me this!

Fucking crybaby-ass bitch.

You ain't never gonna get out this town.

You ain't never gonna be shit.

You know what? Fuck house arrest. Fuck all this shit.

- [monitor beeping] - [Trina] Hey. Hold that for me.

And here…

- [woman] No, no, no... - That's for you.

Keep your mouth shut.

- But... - [Trina] You too.

Don't say nothing. I remember faces.

I'll kill every one of you white motherfuckers if you snitch.

Oh my.

[upbeat music]

[Chris] Cheers. Thank you.

Got you a snack to cheer you up.

Cheers. Ping!

- [Bud] Thanks, man. - Of course.

Don't let her get in your mind, bro.

Gotta stand up to her, man.

You know my sister. It's hard to stand up to her. She's a bully.

I think Trina's right, man. I think…

I don't think we ever gone get outta this town, man. I hate that shit.

No, Trina is not right, dog.

I'm telling you, seeing Maria today, that was a positive omen, man.

Mark my words. By this time next year, we're gonna be out of these jobs,

we're gonna be going on big adventures.

All right.

- [Bud laughs] - [Chris chuckles]

[birds whistling]

[knocks on door] Hello?

[door shuts]

[Chris] Whoa!

[screams] What the fuck?

- Who are you? - I'm a plumber.

What time is it?

Shit.

Fuck, I'm late. I'm late! I'm late for work!

- I'm late! Oh, I'm late for work! - [door slams]

["Holy Calamity" playing]

[shrieking] Oh, God!

Son of a…

I cannot get fired!

Goddammit!

- ♪ Holy calamity, scream insanity ♪ - [grunts]

- ♪ All you ever gonna be's ♪ - Shortcut!

♪ Another great fan of me Break… ♪

[Chris] Shit!

[both groaning]

[Chris] I was looking at my watch! Sorry!

♪ This, this is a journey ♪

[record scratching]

- [crunching] - Ow!

[soft music plays on radio]

- [glass shattering] - [woman screams] Oh, my God!

[Chris gasps] Uh-oh!

Sorry! I… I thought the window was open!

I'm late for work, my bad!

♪ Holy calamity Scream insanity ♪

♪ All you ever gonna be's Another great fan of me ♪

♪ Break, break, break Break, break, break ♪

[record scratching] ♪ I'm the one that does the rockin' ♪

[Chris groaning]

[Chris breathing heavily]

[Chris] I can help you.

[woman] Thank you!

[Chris] Have a good one!

- Bye! - Bye!

[growling]

Fuck!

[baker] Shit, no! Shit!

- [baker] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - [Chris] Sorry!

Sorry!

What the fuck, dude?

[Chris] Oh, man.

Agh! [Groaning]

[Chris] Oh, shit!

Sorry about that. Sorry. You okay?

- Yeah. - Sorry.

- Allow me. Ladies first. - Thank you.

After you.

All right! Nice! I made it!

♪ Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho... Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca... Gr-Gr-Gr-Gr... Break! ♪

[woman] Can you, um, tell me about the detox?

Uh, it kind of makes you poop. You'll be in the bathroom for a while.

- Okay. - [Chris] Yeah.

- You wanna try our new flavor? - [woman 2] It's not a margarita?

[Chris groans] I wish.

Pour some of this in there.

Mango or whatever.

Why would you put a spoon in there if you're gonna use your hand?

Oh, sometimes I forget.

You know, the best chefs in the world use their hands.

- So... - No, no, no, no, no.

That's unacceptable.

Yeah, I work in health care, and he just broke all the laws.

You work in health care, you know

germs actually help your immune system.

No, no, no. You're touching the counters, touching all these different things,

and then you gonna put your hand in there and comment you're a chef,

and we're supposed to accept that?

Here, you want money or something? Like…

You can take out of this jar. Like, it doesn't even go to that. Like…

Can we just all settle on that?

[sentimental music swells]

What in the world?

[yells] Maria!

[coughs] I'm sorry, was that loud? Maria!

- Come, come, come. - [Maria] Hi.

She's a... She's a... She's a VIP customer.

- Oh! - Yeah! Just cut in front of these people.

- Hi, sorry. - Sorry, guys.

How you gonna do that, right there?

She's a VIP, but we're in line, and we gotta get waited on.

- Sorry. - Chris Carey!

From high school biology class!

- You know, Crazy Chris? - [Maria] Um…

- [quieter] Retard Chris? - Oh.

Yeah! How the hell are you?

- Oh my God, Chris! - I haven't seen you in forever!

Yeah. I'm actually living in New York City.

- Wow, New York. The Big Apple. - Yeah.

Hey, that's an apple I'd like to juice, right? [Chuckles]

What are you doing there? I've never been.

Oh, um, actually, I'm a curator at an art gallery, so…

- [Chris] Right on! - Yeah.

Um, here, uh, have a juice on the house.

- [Maria] Okay. Oh. - Huh?

This is terrible. This is not good at all.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm at work, and it gets crazy at work sometimes.

This is not good.

What are you… uh, uh…

What um… w-w-what would you say, like…

What are you… What are you doing later? Do you wanna get a bite or something?

I... Gah, I would... I would love to, actually,

but I'm… I'm on my way to the airport right now.

There's this big art show I'm doing on Friday that I have to get back for.

Oh, okay.

- So, yeah. - Okay. Cool.

But listen, if you're ever in Manhattan, you should come to the gallery.

- Wait. What? - Yeah.

- For real? - Yeah, I'll show you around.

- Great! - [Maria] Thank you for this.

- This is so great. - This is great.

- [splutters] Okeydoke, I'll see you later. - Great seeing you, Chris.

See ya!

Can we order now?

- [whirring] - [screaming]

[all gasping]

[continues screaming]

[Chris screaming] Oh my God!

[clattering]

Oh my God, he fell down!

[Chris groans]

[Chris] Yes!

[Chris sighs, chuckles]

You mind if I, uh…

Ask you for advice?

I just saw my dream girl,

and I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out.

I'm, like, in total shock.

[man chuckles]

Why, 'cause she accepted, or what?

Yes, but she lives in New York. That's the catch.

And, like, I've never felt this way about a woman before.

What do you have going here?

I don't got anything going here. That's the thing.

I got, you know... My best friend lives here, my friend Bud.

Man, you know, I say…

Go for it.

If you don't, the rest of your life you're gonna be sitting here

saying, "What if I woulda," "What if I…" You get it.

Yeah, what am I doing here?

I can't… I can't just wait around and hope for things to happen.

I gotta make it happen.

There you go. Claim it.

- Claim it. Yes. - [man] Yeah.

Thank you, man. Thanks for the advice, man.

Ha!

I'm going to New York.

♪ I saw a girl today ♪

♪ I saw a girl, no way ♪

♪ I saw a girl today ♪

♪ And her name is Maria ♪

- [orchestra joins in] - ♪ I saw a girl today ♪

What the...

♪ The one that got away ♪

♪ I saw... ♪ Oh!

- [gasping] Holy cow! - [horn beeps]

♪ And her name is Maria ♪

[Chris] Whoo! Thank you, man.

I owe you. Thank you.

Whoo!

I'm going to New York, brother. Thank you.

Whoo!

He's in love! He is crazy.

- ♪ I saw a girl today ♪ - [woman] What? Get off me!

♪ I saw a girl, no way ♪

What are you doing?

♪ I saw a girl today ♪

Get the fuck away from me.

♪ And her name is Maria ♪

[indistinct dialogue]

♪ Spinning my wheels I haven't done shit ♪

♪ I'm out of here, I fucking quit ♪

♪ Maria has opened the door ♪

♪ Later, smoothies, I'm off to New York ♪

[chorus] ♪ He saw a girl today ♪

[Chris] Oh, shit.

- [crashes] - ♪ He saw a girl, no way ♪

♪ He saw a girl today ♪

♪ And her name is Maria ♪

[key change] ♪ I saw a girl today ♪

♪ I saw a girl ♪

♪ Olé! ♪ Oh, shit!

♪ I saw a girl today ♪

♪ And her name is Maria ♪

♪ Maria ♪

[with chorus] ♪ Maria! ♪

The fuck?

[Chris] I'm telling you.

Maria just fell outta the sky into my lap today and said,

"Chris, I haven't seen you in ages. What have you been up to?"

And I go, "I dunno, I've just been working at the mall since high school."

And she was like, "Well, good news. I'm your guardian fucking angel,

and I'm gonna take you out of this hellscape

and bring you to the motherfucking promised land!"

So what? I mean, what does that mean?

Look at our lives, man.

Stuck in Florida, spinning our wheels.

Bullshit job after bullshit job.

It's finally time for that big adventure, brother.

I'm talking road trip to the NYC!

Has anybody here been to New York City?

[shouts] Yes!

♪ New York! ♪

♪ Concrete jungle, Texas albino My pussy's on fire! ♪

Come on, New York, man! Pizza!

- [Chris whoops, cackles] - [Bud] Calm down, brother.

- I hear you, right. And it sounds good. - Yeah.

But how we gone get there? We don't have a car.

I figured it out.

["Queso" playing]

Hell, no. We're not taking Trina's car. You fucking crazy?

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hear me out. Hear me out.

You're the one paying to store her car.

- Right? - Yes.

Trina is in jail.

She's been in jail. She's gonna stay in jail.

She is in J-A-I-L, prison.

I'm not doing this. Trina is crazy. You know that.

- I know. - We can't take her... It's her car.

Just for once in your whole life, forget about Trina.

Think about us.

Let's steal that goddamn car and go to New York

and have the adventure of a lifetime, like we always talked about.

I hate you.

[chuckles]

- [Bud growls] - [Chris chuckles]

[Chris] We're going to New York!

Here you are. Bud Malone.

Yeah, we're driving to New York.

Looks good.

- What's your name again? - Kurt.

- Kurt, Chris. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, man.

♪ I got that mula mula (mula mula) ♪

♪ Queso queso (queso queso) ♪

♪ Camouflage money They can't see my bankroll ♪

♪ I been whippin, whippin' Django Django ♪

♪ Smooth ass nigga Blame it on the Jame-O ♪

♪ I really don't know why I called… ♪

Toot toot!

[truck toots]

[Bud] Check this out. I got it all mapped out.

I went on Google Maps yesterday. I got everything together.

Gonna take the I-95. It'll be the quickest way to get to New York City...

No rush, mi amigo. We got four whole days till Maria's art opening.

We can kick back, relax, and breathe in America, dude.

Hey. Feet down, man. You cannot mess up my sister's car, man.

Will you relax?

The car is fine. Your sister's in prison. She'll never know.

What's she gonna do? Bust out of jail? [chortling]

[electronic beat begins]

Bus is all clear.

[Trina] Psst.

Psst.

[whispers] Excuse me.

I'm stuck up here. I'm stuck.

Can you help me get out?

Please. I'm stuck under here. Oh, God.

[Trina gasps] Oh!

Thank you. [Groans]

[Trina panting]

Oh, shit.

Hey. [Scoffs]

Oh, man.

You see any guards out here or anything?

You'd better take your ass off. You better take off.

You'd better fucking... You better run.

Thank you. I'm gonna get in my car, go to Mexico, and just start all over.

Get those clothes off and get the fuck out of here.

Can I borrow your vest?

I can't give you my vest.

You're my lookout. I never forget a face.

Go.

Thank you for helping me escape!

[guard] Hey.

We had a convict escape. Did you see anyone?

Where?

Where? They were here somewhere. Did you see anybody?

No.

- So someone escaped? - And you haven't helped her at all?

No, how am I gonna help her?

By giving her my vest?

I don't know. Did you see someone out here?

I need to know that.

Go that way.

That way?

- Someone went that way? - Go that way.

- Go that way? - Go that way.

Okay. It's an emergency. We got an emergency here.

- [Trina panting] - Man, I just wanted to thank you.

- Go, go, go. He's looking for you. - Really?

- They're looking for you. Go. - Oh, shoot. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate you. You got a baby mama?

Run away, please. Get away from me before I get in trouble.

Thank you for helping me.

- Get the fuck out of here. Go! No! Why? - Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

God bless you! You're an accomplice to my shit!

Whoo!

I'm free!

[Bud] You don't realize how strong she is.

My sister's crazy. I've told you that a million times.

She doesn't have a regular girl hand.

I once seen her fry some fish with her bare hand.

She grabbed the fish out the batter, put it in the frying pan,

set it there till it was done. That's insane.

I've seen her flip barbecue ribs.

No spatula.

Hand.

God.

[imitating steam] Pfft.

Pressing the meat. Bare hand.

I don't think I want to eat at your house anymore.

- How you doing? - Good. Good.

Hey, hey. Um…

- I'm really excited to get my car. - Uh-huh.

Uh, it's under Malone.

Pink Crown Vic, Crown Victoria.

Oh, someone just picked that up.

What?

Bud Mal... Bud Malone just picked that up.

Bud picked up my car.

Was he with somebody?

- Yep. Yep. - What did he look like?

Uh, they were African American.

- Do you know where they were going? - I think they said New York.

- New York? - Yeah.

Their name was on the card, so…

What's your name, man?

Bob.

Bob, I ain't trying to go back to jail for killing nobody,

but I'm about to kill somebody, Bob.

You gave 'em my car. Now they got to die.

[Kurt] Sorry.

[Kurt sighs]

Okay.

Dude, check it out. I got a Chinese finger trap, man.

It'll be like our good luck charm on the road.

How about this? I'll ask one of these fellow Americans

where a cool bar is.

- Celebrate, first road trip. - All right, whatever you say. I'm down.

Excuse me, sir. Is there a bar around here?

Me and my friend want to party tonight.

- We're going to Electric Cowboy tonight. - Oh, really? Oh, thanks, man.

- You wanna turn around, I'll hold it. - Oh, really?

[people gasping]

- Oh, shit! - [alarm rings]

[Chris] Oh, shit. Oh shit!

Help me! Help me! Help me! Help me!

Shit! [Groans]

Just get away, bro! Get away from it!

Somebody just turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!

Hello, where's the shutoff?

God! I swallowed some of it.

[buttons beeping]

- Where's the shutoff? - Here, here, here, hold this.

No, I'm not touching that shit. Get away from it, bro.

Let's just get out of here.

- That thing is broken. - [Bud] Not on the seat, man.

- [Chris] Thank you, cowboy man. - [car screeching away]

[attendant] Chocolate glazed.

I'm going to do vanilla, but I'd love some bacon.

- Bacon? Sure. - Great.

- [Trina] Hey. Do you live in this area? - Do we?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You seen these dudes right here? They stole my car.

- Ah, man. - That's my car right there.

- That's my Bad Bitch. - Sorry. No, I don't.

There's a bunch of cops here though you might wanna ask them.

They're all here. They love donuts.

- [Trina croaks] - You okay?

[whining] No, man!

Have you seen this car?

[man] I have not.

This is my car.

My grandma gave me that car for my 16th birthday.

I just got out of jail, and these dudes I know stole my car.

- Where do you stay at? - Where do I stay at?

I stay in the Avenues, man.

Okay. You gotta go down to the precinct.

Man, you are handsome.

Huh?

- You are so handsome. - Thank you.

Yeah, you gotta... you gotta go to, um…

You gotta go to the, uh, zone four precinct.

Man, it's been so long since a man looked me in my eyes.

You are beautiful.

Thank you. You gotta go to the zone four precinct.

- Can we kiss? - No.

- No? - [man laughs] No.

It's been so long since I kissed a man.

What's your name, Officer? Can I get your number?

No, I'm married.

So? You a police. Y'all don't care about shit like that.

I do.

[Trina] My pussy hairy like a booty.

Hey, hey, hey. Excuse me. Y'all been out here eating donuts and stuff.

Have you seen these guys? Have you seen these two dudes?

They stole my car.

But the police are right there, though.

They ain't trying to holler at me. They're not helping at all.

- Oh, wow. - That's what I'm saying, like...

- So you're doing it yourself right now? - [Trina] Basically.

- Say yes to it. - Yes! Say yes to it!

You know what? Sometimes you just gotta do it yourself.

- You better not! - [woman] Oh!

Fuck the police. I'm gonna kill these motherfuckers!

- [car alarm blaring] - [roars]

[pedestrians scream]

Holy shit!

♪ Fuck your wheels And your cars ♪

- [officer] Hey! Hey, stop! - ♪ I don't really give a fuck… ♪

[woman] Oh my God!

[tires screeching]

[police siren]

Damn it!

[chuckles] He's gotta feel like an idiot.

[upbeat guitar music plays]

[Bud] Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, White Chicks?

[Bud laughs] Yes!

That's my favorite movie right there, man.

You know something? The first time I saw that movie,

halfway through, I really thought they were white women.

They look like, uh, burn victims.

You're stupid. You don't know anything about good cinema.

More like, "God, them some thick-ass white girls."

Fat-ass booties. I'm like, "They got Black girl booties."

Terry Crews was convinced. You saw the movie.

[Chris] Ah! This is it! This is the place the cowboy was talking about!

Look at this place, man. Fuck, yes!

- [Bud] All right. - [Chris] Whoo-hoo!

[chuckles]

Yo.

- Chris, I don't know about this, man. - Dude, trust me. It's gonna rock.

Whoo!

- [Bud] It's called Electric Cowboy. - Exactly!

- [Bud] We're not cowboys. - We're about to be.

[country music playing]

♪ My baby likes to rock it Every night when the sun goes down… ♪

[Chris] What do you think, man? Huh?

USA, baby!

[Bud] We are the only Black people in here.

I don't see race. Didn't even notice.

You know what race I see? The American race.

It's right out on that dance floor.

♪ And my baby likes to hear me Play a song on my guitar ♪

- [Chris] Sorry! - [woman] It's all right!

♪ I don't know about the rest of you But my baby thinks I'm a star… ♪

Bud, this is awesome!

Get your ass over here!

[Bud chuckles]

- Great job! - [Chris] Thank you. Thank you.

Let's get some shots, huh?

First night of the road trip.

Couldn't have asked for a better partner on the road.

Let me... Let me buy you a round. Let me buy you a round and some shots.

Yeah, this is my best friend, Bud. He's a little shy.

Cheers! Pick it up, cheers!

Here's to you, Bud Malone!

[Chris] Wow!

This should be it, okay?

Give me one more shot.

Ah, damn dude.

I guess I do.

You're gonna end up pukin'.

[slurps]

I would suggest you not to do that.

Did he just drink outta that thing?

[Chris] I drank a little bit too much, I'll put it that way.

Holy shit.

[splutters] I gotta make a call real quick.

[Chris] See you later, pal.

What's wrong with him?

He's just so wound up. He's so uptight.

I dunno, like, can we pray for him?

Do you mind praying for him real quick?

I'm not...

Dear... Dear Jesus, who art in heaven, Father be thy name.

Thy kingdom come.

I hope Bud has an amazing time on this road trip.

I hope I get to Maria, and fall in love,

and make love and have sex with her without a condom.

And like, of course I'll make her come first,

and then I'm kind of free to, like…

You know, jizz whenever I want to.

You know, I wanna make her come first, but then I'll jizz whenever I want to, so…

- Amen. - Amen.

- I gotta go pee-pee. - [man laughs]

I'll be right back.

Uh, excuse me, where's the bathroom?

- [smashes] - Oh, shit! I'm sorry.

How much did you drink? Are you a fucking camel?

♪ Happy birthday, dear Lena ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪

[woman] Shots on him! You know I don't have the money.

[Chris] Bud, I've never been out like this before, but this is fun.

[Bud] What do you want a shot of?

[Chris] Hey, DJ, cut the music!

- Cut the music! - [music stops]

I'd like to make a toast to my best friend, Bud Malone!

What the fuck are you doing up there? Get down!

Okay, he's a little nervous. We're the only Black guys in here.

[slurring] He's the coolest guy in the world, man.

- Get down from there! - [Chris] I love you...

[crowd screaming]

[man] Are you all right?

[Chris groans]

- Shit. You okay? - Get him out of there.

- Is he all right? - Come on, come on, get up, get up.

[Chris groans]

[man] Give him some room.

- I'm a nurse. - [Chris groaning]

[Chris] No, no, no.

[nurse] You just fell off a bar. You need to get checked out.

- I'm fine. - Do you have a water bottle or a cup?

- I got a wet rag. - [woman] Yeah, get him some water.

- [loud retching] - [crowd screaming]

[continued screaming]

[Bud screams]

[woman] Oh my God.

Okay, I'm serious about calling this guy an ambulance.

He's not okay if he's puking like that.

Somebody needs to get me a fucking drink and chill out.

Here's your drink.

[crowd screaming]

[crowd gasping and screaming]

[Chris] Easy now, killer.

[Chris groans]

[Chris grunts]

[groaning]

What the fuck is wrong with you? Like, seriously.

I wanted to cel... celebrate you.

It was a celebration of you and your life.

I don't know. Thank you for talking me into this.

It felt good to be out. I needed it.

We should probably get some rest or wash up.

[Chris snoring]

[Bud sighs]

Goodnight, Bud.

[scoffs] Goodnight, Chris.

Goddamn. What type of light is this?

What the fuck?

One day closer to Maria.

[Bud] All right, let's do this. I feel good. It's a new day, right?

- Yeah, new day. - [Bud] Okay.

[Chris] USA.

[upbeat guitar music plays]

[Chris sighs]

♪ Dream girl, dream girl… ♪

The price of art is skyrocketing.

This is the first one that I wanted to show,

because it's the one there's a lot of debate about.

I was thinking it looked like a Lord of the Rings, uh, thing.

It kind of looks like a… a relic.

- [thud] - [gasps]

[gravelly voice] Maria.

Chris?

Oh God, yes!

Yes, Chris, yes!

[Maria and Chris moaning]

[Maria] Chris!

- [fabric ripping] - Chris!

[doves cooing]

[Maria moans] Chris!

Wow, babe, this is awesome.

We're doing some free sampling.

Wow. Let's get, like, three of those and maybe some bread.

Yeah, you're looking good, babes.

- You talking to my girl? - I got this.

- That's your girl? - Yeah.

- Sorry about that. - You sure?

- You all right? - Yeah. Come on!

You like hitting on women in farmer's markets?

What the fuck are you doing? You're fucking hitting on me here?

[man] God damn! What the fuck?

- [man] Fuck! Crazy bitch! - [scoffs] That is hot.

What are you looking at?

Huh?

- [blind man groans] - Hey, he's blind! He's blind! Please!

[Maria] Fucker.

[Chris] Get his money. Get his money. Get his money.

[seller] No, he didn't do anything!

- [Chris] Run. Let's run. - Yeah.

- [Chris] Let's just go. - [Maria] Go, go, go!

[Chris] Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

[blind man] God.

♪ Looks like an angel From up above ♪

♪ I'll be so happy we're together… ♪

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[crowd whooping]

And you may now…

Kiss me.

[Chris] Uh…

- [congregation shrieking] - What!

[woman] Oh, my God!

Oh, God.

[congregation continues gasping, murmuring]

[groans]

[trio moaning and slurping]

- [woman shrieks] - [crowd continues murmuring]

- [Chris snoring] - [truck horn blares]

[Chris screams]

Whoo. Whoo.

[Chris groans]

[grunts]

[suspenseful music plays]

Okay, there's no way White Chicks would work in real life, man.

They look like bleached Ninja Turtles.

Matter of fact, this lady right here could be a brother.

[Chris] That's ridiculous. Watch this.

- Excuse me, miss. - Yes.

Are you a Black man?

No.

- Case in point. - Why'd you ask somebody that?

You said that it could work.

You look frightening.

Wait a minute, what is this?

[Bud laughs] The zoo? Come on, man. You know I love zoos.

We gotta do this, bruh.

I think we got time, right?

Yeah. More than halfway there. We're making great time.

- Thank you, ma'am. - No problem.

Or Black sir.

[Bud] Take care, brother.

[song in African language begins]

[Chris] Dude, zoos are sick!

- This makes me happy. - You're having fun, aren't you?

I'm having fun. Look at that fancy cat.

[Bud] Two buds on the road.

- Booyah. - Booyah.

- [laughs] I like this. It's a good idea. - Yeah, man. Zoo life, baby!

[tour guide] I'd like to take you guys up here to see our wolves

and our large primate area.

Do me a favor, everybody, uh, keep just a little bit of room off here.

Okay, come on in.

Oh, I like the Silverback.

Hey!

[tour guide] Step on in guys.

Guys, this is Jessie. Everybody say hi to Jessie.

- Dude. Gorilla. - Jessie is our main wolf trainer here.

[Chris] Dude.

[song ends]

[whispers] Gate's open.

- Why don't you close it? - [Chris] Shut up.

- Gonna get a selfie with a gorilla. - No!

Yes! For Maria.

- No. - Come on, it'll melt her heart!

- Are you crazy? - No.

- Come back here! - Shut up, don't wake him up.

- The fuck are you doing? - Keep it down.

[Bud] Don't! Come back here.

Come back here!

- Here! Hey! - [camera clicking]

[Bud] Hey!

[Jessie] So this is Gideon,

and he is our primary ambassador wolf over here.

And Gideon is really, really good at jumping.

- Gideon's gonna jump! Gideon, up! Good! - [woman gasps]

- Now the other side! - [gorilla snarls]

[Chris screams] He's got my leg!

- [Chris screams] - [woman 1 screeches] Oh my God!

[tour guide] Sir! You can't be in there!

- [woman 1] Oh my God! - [woman 2] Oh my God!

[gorilla snarling]

[guttural howling]

- [crowd shrieking] - [Chris groaning]

Wait! Be quiet, be quiet!

[Chris whimpering]

[tour guide] Don't look him in the eye!

I'm so scared.

- [tearing clothes] - Oh, no, no, no!

[Chris] Oh my God!

- [crowd gasps] - [tour guide] Stay calm!

Bud, help me!

- [woman] Oh my God! - [Chris groaning]

[rhythmic grunting]

[shrieks] Come on! Stop it!

- [Chris] Oh my God! - [horrified screaming]

[Bud] You fucking a man!

He's a human being!

- Oh my God! Fuck! - [gorilla groans]

- What's his name? - Chris.

Chris, come on!

- [tour guide] Stay still! - [woman] Oh, my God!

- [tour guide] Stay calm! - [gorilla growls]

Just stay calm!

[Chris] Oh shit!

Go back in.

[woman] Oh shit! Damn, we on this!

Please, Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!

[Bud] Would you put the lock on or something?

Why did you go in there?

The rest of us have kids!

I wanted to take a picture.

You wanted to take a picture of the gorilla face-to-face?

- Yeah, for this girl. - Would she go in there for you?

[Chris] No.

Exactly, so why you going in there for her?

I'm trying to get her to be my girlfriend.

- She's not your girlfriend yet? - No.

I gotta get my cellphone!

[Bud] What the fuck you doing?

Sir, you can't go in there!

That damn thing come back, you gonna be through!

Oh, here it is!

- Whoa, whoa, hey! - [gorilla snarling]

[gagging]

[crowd shrieking]

[woman] Keep your mouth closed!

[shrieking and gasping]

[woman] Lord have mercy!

Bud.

[woman 1] How'd he get in there?

[woman 2] Pull your pants up, buddy.

[Trina] Hey, excuse me, brothers.

- Y'all seen this car today? - No.

This my brother Bud and his friend Chris.

These two don't look familiar to you at all?

- No, what... - You sure you don't know them?

I'm pretty sure I don't know them. We gotta walk.

- This ain't you, man? - No, it ain't.

- Your name ain't Craig? - Yeah.

Are you telling me you don't know them? You up here lying to my face?

This is you and them! You, Bud, Chris…

Craig.

- Where'd you get that picture? - This is you!

- I know! - Your name is Craig, right?

- It is, and I don't know... - Where is these dudes at?

I don't know where they're at.

The next time you see these motherfuckers, let 'em know I'm gonna kill they ass.

I ain't got your car, and stop yelling at me!

No, you know where my car at, Craig.

Seen your ass on Facebook and everything with them.

- What the fuck? - Where's my car at?

- Ask your fucking brother! - Well, tell me where my brother is!

And why the fuck would I know that?

Because you takin' pictures with these niggas!

I just want you to tell me where my car is.

If I knew where your car fucking was, I would.

- Would you? - Yes, I would.

- Would you really? - Yes, I would.

'Cause I feel like you're lying to me. I feel like you're a motherfucking liar!

[rap music playing]

[Chris] Oh God.

I got that gorilla cum taste in my mouth.

Ugh.

Has Trina got any mints?

Hey, don't be going around digging in the car like that. Okay?

Dude, she's got a ton of mints in here. This is great.

What? What? If you gonna have a mint, I want a mint.

- [Chris] All right. - Let me get some!

You need it more than me. Your breath is so bad,

people look forward to your farts. [laughs]

Oh, okay. Your breath smells like Steve Harvey's mustache.

[laughing]

I don't even know what that smells like, but…

[Chris continues laughing]

You're very funny, man.

You're, like, way funny tonight.

[cackling]

Yeah, I'm boiling.

[low] Oh.

[saliva sounds]

[high-pitched] Wanna stop and get some water or something?

[low pitched, echoed] Are we driving?

- [Bud] I mean, it's moving! - [Chris laughing]

["Booty Whop" playing]

[looped laughter]

♪ At the bar Six o'clock on the dot ♪

♪ The boy got me hot And it hit a sweet spot ♪

♪ And it goes ticktock Tock the tock tock ♪

♪ Tick the ticktock… ♪

[Bud] I can't, I...

♪ Tick the ticktock ♪

♪ Ticktock tock the tock tock Tick the… ♪

[horse neighing]

[Chris] Hello.

[clicking]

[Chris] Will you put this on your finger?

Sir, if you carry on doing that,

I will turn around and punch you in your goddamn face.

[Chris] Ooh! Electrolytes!

[Chris shouting] Maria! Maria!

Maria, where'd you go?

[vocalizes]

They're on drugs!

I look perfectly normal.

I look great.

Yeah, motherfuckers, try to find me now.

[Chris] Wee, wee, wee!

[polar bear growls]

[woman laughs]

La-la-la, la-la-la!

[Chris] Whoo!

[Chris grunts]

Oh my God.

Snowball fight.

[Bud groans]

- [continues groaning] - Huh?

♪ Booty whop, booty whop Really make your booty whop… ♪

[Maria's echoed voice] Hey!

- Are you Maria? - No.

- You... - My name is Will.

[both cackling]

["Booty Whop" ends]

[birds chirping]

[Chris snores]

- Chris. - Huh?

Where are we?

Fuck, I got a headache, man.

What happened last night?

- I don't even know. - [Chris groans]

I really gotta pee.

Ugh!

Ow!

[both scream] Fuck!

Why are our dicks in a Chinese finger trap?

- What did you do to us? - I didn't do anything to anybody.

I don't remember a thing.

I wouldn't put my dick connected to your dick.

- Maybe if... - Get your hands off my dick!

Sorry, just get up, get up.

- Let go of my... - [Bud] Stop pulling my dick!

[both shout]

[Bud] We're gonna do this together.

Okay. I'm gonna go for it! [Screams]

Look, there's a golfer over there.

- We can ask him to get us out of this. - He's not gonna fuckin' help us.

[Chris yells] Help!

[Chris] Help us! Please.

- We got stuck in this thing. - How'd you guys do this?

How do we get out of this?

Just, uh, relax your dick and try to pull it out again.

[Bud screams]

Push them together. Walk together. Hold on. Hold on.

[Chris] Okay. Okay.

And just, uh…

- I have no idea what to fucking do. - [Chris whimpers]

You need to cut that fucker in the middle.

[Chris] Hey, easy, Harvey Weinstein!

Get the fuck out! I'm gonna play golf! Go!

You turned on us!

Yes! Get the fuck out of here! Go!

Before I hit... You wanna...

- No, no, no, no, no, no! - Then go!

- Okay, okay, okay, okay! - Get the fuck outta here!

Okay, okay, okay, we're sorry!

Cocksuckers.

- [tugging] - [Chris yowls]

[Chris] We'll go to a barber shop. They got scissors!

[Chris] Sir, can you get our dicks out of this thing?

[barber] No! I don't want that shit!

- [Chris] Hey. - I promise you, my nigga!

- [Chris] Hey. You know what... - Get the fuck out of here!

[Chris] He's got a knife!

- Get the fuck out! - [knife unsheathing]

- [Chris] Help us! Help us! - [Bud yelping]

[Chris] Oh, shit!

[Chris] Okay. Okay.

It's a Chinese finger trap.

[soft Chinese music over radio]

[indistinct conversation]

[Chris yells] Help!

- Somebody just come this way! - [both screaming]

- Help us! - [Chris] Somebody help us!

Somebody, help! Oh, my God! Somebody!

Come this way, please!

- [Bud] Would you... - I dunno what to do.

Okay.

- It's do or die! - [both screaming]

- [diners gasp] - [screaming]

[Bud whimpering]

- We're free! We're free! [Laughs] - [Bud] Anybody got any ice?

Can I borrow this water?

I drunk out of this one.

It don't even matter. I just wanna...

Well, it matters for... Oh, Lord!

[Bud] It's really hard to concentrate on food

when your dick was just attached to another man's.

[Chris] I don't know. I'm pretty hungry.

[Bud] All right, so you're about to see Maria.

Do you know what you're gonna say to her once you see her?

You know in the Boyz II Men video when the baritone dude breaks it down?

Yes.

And he's like, "Damn, girl.

Ooh, I would suck a Skittle out of your bootyhole, girl."

- That's not in any of the songs. - It's similar.

- Question. - He was...

I have a question.

Can my friend try something on you real quick?

- I just wanna see how you react to it. - Okay.

I'm in love with an angel. Chasing a girl.

Isn't that always the way?

Mm-hmm. So I'm just gonna go up to her and say,

"I love you. Let's make love under the sunset as... "

You can do better than that.

Let me make a suggestion.

Yeah?

Be more romantic and less sexual. At first.

Okay.

Let her know that the sun rises and sets in her beautiful face.

Okay.

Her eyes mesmerize you...

Ooh.

That's what I was saying to him before. That's the kind of stuff I was saying.

Don't go with sexual at first.

At first?

Let her make the first move.

One question. You keep saying "at first." When is the best time to, like…

You say all the nice stuff and be like, "Now, it's sexual."

Thirty minutes to an hour, at least.

So this still on the first meeting.

I'm a very sensual person, just not a slut.

Same.

I love sex, I've had sex with a lot of different…

Genders and genres...

Same.

Genders and genres? God damn.

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

[both singing] ♪ Travel down the road and back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant ♪

♪ I'm not ashamed to say ♪

♪ I hope it always will stay this way ♪

♪ My hat is off Won't you stand up and take a bow ♪

♪ And if you threw a party ♪

- ♪ Invited everyone we knew ♪ - [engine struggles]

[Chris] Yeah, our battery died.

Thanks so much for doing this. The car's making some crazy noises.

[Chris] All right, start revving it.

- [sizzling] - [muffled groans]

[Chris grunts]

What did you do to my friend?

- I didn't do anything! - [Bud] You okay?

- She revved the thing. I don't know. - You told me to do that. Don't play that.

Why did you do that?

You asked for a fucking jump. Don't play with me, motherfucker!

♪ If it's a car you lack ♪

I'm coming to fuck y'all up!

[screams]

♪ Whatever you need Any time of the day or night ♪

♪ I'm not ashamed to say… ♪

This is good.

[gags]

- [Chris] Right here? - Yeah.

[belly growls]

[Bud groaning]

Oh, it's starting.

[farting]

- [splash] - [Bud bangs on door] Help!

[woman] What happened? What happened?

I'm stuck!

I'm sinking. Shit!

Okay. Come here.

[Bud whimpering]

[Bud] Wait. Go get some butter.

Butter me out this thing.

[both scream]

[Bud screaming] Shit!

[Bud grunting]

Oh my God.

Oh my God, what the fuck?

[Bud screaming]

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

[both vocalizing]

[Bud laughs]

[electronic beat]

Y'all seen these dudes before? Right here?

[man] I don't know them.

Hey, brother, I'm looking for these dudes right here.

They stole my car. Look at her. She beautiful.

That's a colorful car, too.

This is Bud right here. He's like this tall,

real dark, real kind of chubby, look like a peanut.

This dude right here, Chris,

got like a big nose, got that white boy nose but Black features.

[man] All right.

Matter of fact, might have to staple his nuts. You know what I'm saying?

Y'all see these niggas right here?

They stole my car. I'ma kill these niggas.

Just like that.

Just like fucking that.

Uh-uh. Now don't tear up in here, now!

That girl, she coulda came in here

- and just started blazing. - Exactly.

Look what she wrote.

"They stole my car, and I want it back, or I will kill them both."

That's called a terrorist threat. You'll get locked up for that.

- You didn't get that new Wesley Snipes CD? - [Bud] Snipes don't make music.

[Chris] He made the Blade soundtrack.

- [Bud] No, he didn't. - [Chris] Yeah! And he got that song…

[Bud] Where do you want to sit at?

- Is anybody sitting here? - [man] No.

[Chris] No, okay.

[woman 1] Crazy girl came in here and said she was gonna kill somebody.

- [woman 2] Oh my God. - [woman 1] Isn't that them right there?

Said she gonna kill 'em for stealing her car.

What the fuck is that?

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, fuck.

[woman] That's... That's them! That's them!

- [Bud] I gotta get out of here. - Wait.

[woman] Told you. That girl wanna kill 'em.

- Who put this up? - It was... [speaks indistinctly]

- [Chris] What'd she look like? - About 5'5".

African American.

Whiter than you. I mean…

light color.

[Chris] That could be anybody.

Y'all driving around in a hot pink car that say Bad Bitch. She gonna find y'all.

I mean, there's a lot of cars that say that.

- [woman] That say Bad Bitch on the back? - [others laughing]

[woman] She said you her brother.

She said, "That's Bud. I'm killing him first!"

- I don't think she's serious. - Gotta get the fuck outta here.

She's a killer. That girl a killer.

She got marks on her face. She got teardrops on her face.

That bitch'll kill you!

- Stay! Bud, stay! - Fuck you, man.

[Chris] Bud, please. We are almost to Maria, man.

He's not a good friend, Bud.

I told you, it's him! I don't forget nothing, baby.

Eyes.

[Chris] Fuck you. We're staying here.

We gotta take the car back.

- No, we do not. - Oh, shit!

- What I told you? Did I not tell you? - Listen to me.

We are so close. We are staying here.

These people don't know what they're talking about.

The hell? Y'all say I'm lying? You just missed her.

She seemed angry?

Very angry!

She's supposed to be in jail.

Supposed to be in jail?

She's supposed to be. That's why I don't know if it's her for sure.

It's her.

She said she gonna kill y'all, y'all stole her car.

Don't come over here. Go. I don't wanna die with you.

- No! - Go ahead off.

No!

Wait, I just need information!

Get your ass from by me with your bullshit.

Go ahead on, sir.

I ain't gonna tell you shit.

Get your ass from by me.

Wait, wait, wait! Fuck! Bud!

Fuck that! No, we got to take her car back now.

- Get in the car. - We're so close to New York!

- We're going back. - We're going to New York.

- No. - Please!

What the heck is happening?

"I gotta take her car back." "I gotta take her car back."

I said, "She's gonna kill you, nigga."

Shit, I don't forget shit. I'm in security.

I went to school with the police. I don't forget shit.

[indistinct conversations]

You see these dudes? They come up in here? I know they love chicken.

You just missed them!

Motherfuckers was here?

I was about to call you.

Did anybody see which way these motherfuckers went?

They went that way! They got in the car and went that way!

I'm gonna fuck these niggas up!

Go get 'em, girl!

- [Trina] Fuck those niggas up! - Go get 'em! Go get 'em!

Bop bop!

Oh, she's got a gun!

Oh shit! Let me get the fuck out of here!

[man] That's a staple gun! That's just a staple gun.

Are you sure?

Jackie, you talk too much! You talkin' too much.

Shiiiiiiiit.

How the fuck did she get out of jail?

We'll figure it out later. We gotta get to Maria! Please!

No. We're going back to Florida right now.

Trina's on our ass, and I can't do this shit.

- We gotta take the car back. - Bud!

Stop living your life in fear of your sister!

You know how crazy Trina is. Gonna fucking kill us.

You need to stand up to your sister for once.

We're going back to Florida.

- We're going to New York. - No!

Come on, I've gotta see Maria!

- [tires screeching] - [both screaming]

- [crowd gasping] - [woman] Oh my God!

[man 1] Are you good? You all right?

[man 2] Oh, shit.

- [man 1] You all right? - [man 3] Shit.

- [glass clinking] - [Chris groaning]

[woman] Y'all okay? Should I call 911?

[Bud] Fuckin' asshole.

[Chris] Uh…

- Sit down. Sit down. - Uh…

Let's sit down.

We gotta get to New York.

- Let's sit down. - We're never getting to New York now.

- Sit down. - What the fuck you did?

Maybe we can get somebody to help us fix it.

We can get back on the road and we get to New York.

[Bud] New York?

You know something, man? You ain't a real friend.

Real friends wouldn't do shit like this.

You a idiot, man. I'm done.

- You bitch. - I'm done with you.

- Get the fuck away from me. - Hey, man. Come on, bro.

- Chill out. Take a seat, man. - Yeah, take a seat, Bud.

- You take a seat as well. - Listen to him.

- Y'all need to talk this shit out. - Listen to him!

Listen, you shut the fuck up.

That's my sister's car! I told you this was gonna happen.

You ain't listen.

If we wait here for the police, we going to jail!

- No! - That's a stolen car!

[gasps]

[woman] Oh, what?

All I'm gonna tell y'all is don't mention that shit.

That's all I'm gonna say.

They'll fucking nail you.

Just don't even tell them that shit.

Hey, hey.

Hey, man. Keep your... Chill out. Chill out, man. Chill out, bro.

- [Chris] Fucking kick you in the face. - Hey!

What are you gonna do about it?

That's why you have no job. You're a fucking loser.

All you do is make stupid-ass decisions.

Hey, man, he got a concussion. He don't know what he's thinking.

He's a fucking idiot. This is how he always thinks!

He probably is, but right now is not the time for that.

- I'm done with you! - Chill out.

- Look at that shit. Look at it. - [Chris] It's your fault.

It is fucked up. You need to look at that.

[everyone screams]

[Bud] Shit, man!

- This is all your fuckin' fault! - Fuck you!

We gotta get back before this car blows up.

It don't matter whose fault it is.

It's his fault for being a pussy and not standing up to his sister!

Listen, that don't even matter right now,

because that car explodes, we all dead, so let's get away.

- Y'all can talk later. - I'm done.

- Let's go. You are done. - I'm done! I'm done!

I'm done with you too!

Yeah, exactly, walk away.

I'll get to New York on my own!

[crying] I don't need any of you! Stupid fucking car.

[man] Hey! Watch out for that gas, man!

Listen, you gonna walk to your death if that...

You know what, man…

I don't need him. I don't need anybody.

I'll get to New York on my own.

Yeah, on my own!

- What about you, Lexus? - [horn honks]

Going to New York?

Come on!

[sighs]

[melancholy instrumental music plays]

[Bud] All you do is think about yourself, man.

Bud?

Bud? Bud? Bud?

- What? - I thought you were Bud, with the glasses.

[emotional] You look like my best friend, Bud, and I miss him.

All right, sir.

Bud? Oh.

I thought you were my friend, Bud.

I miss him. [Sobs]

[sobs]

Bud? Bud? Bud?

Sup, bro?

I thought you were my friend, Bud.

Everybody got a friend named Bud nowadays.

Yeah.

[echoing] Bud!

What wars are going on now?

- What wars? - Yeah.

We still got conflict in, of course, the Middle East.

I just want to go over there because…

I just wanna die.

- What's going on to make you say that? - I lost my best friend.

We got in a huge falling-out kind of fight.

I'll go over to Afghanistan or Iraq,

stand on the front lines, and then just bombs away.

I understand you're going through a hard time,

but that's strong words saying you wanna die.

I'll go to Vietnam or whatever, and I'll just get shot by everybody.

I'll suck your dick if you kill me.

- Get it together. Get it together. - Please. [Sobbing]

Get it together.

Right now you're acting like a danger to yourself and to others.

[sobbing]

[sobs continue]

[recruitment officer] Please stop. Stop.

You're okay, all right?

Look, you're in a bad place right now. You've talked to me for five minutes,

and you offered to suck my dick to kill you.

- Yeah. - You know that's not right.

- Right. - I get it, bro.

- I've been in a bad place before. - Yeah.

- You know, everybody has. - Yeah.

You just gotta get it together.

Talk to your buddy, apologize, and you'll be fine.

- Tell him how you feel, that you're sorry. - Yeah.

If he's really your friend,

if you guys have been friends for as long as you have,

he's gonna forgive you.

Yeah! God!

Dude!

[laughing] Can I hug you? Let's bring it in, brother! Thank you!

I was kinda, like, out of it, man!

Really, you brought me back. You brought me back.

- Sir, I salute you. - You too, sir.

And I salute your shorts.

[Chris laughs]

- Have a good day. - Yeah! I'm gonna...

Oh, you know what? The bus is leaving soon.

- Gotta go. - I should go. Thank you! Thank you!

[inspirational music plays]

Stop the...

- Stop the bus! Wait! - [inspirational music stops]

Stop the fucking bus! [pounding on glass]

[man] Man, stop the bus. Stop the bus!

[Chris yells] Can I just... Hold that bus!

- Please! Please! - [brakes hiss]

Oh my God. I'm so sorry, thank you!

Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry.

I need to talk to my best friend. I can't let you guys go any further.

Bud. [Panting heavily]

Please.

For the first time in my life, let me apologize.

I am so, so, sorry, man. I'm shit.

I realized I'm shit. I'm an asshole.

- Okay. - Miss, I'm an asshole.

I suck shit out of assholes.

That's what I am. I'm lower than that.

And I'm sorry, man.

I'm sorry I destroyed your sister's car.

I'm sorry I took advantage of you.

And I know you probably never wanna talk to me for the rest of your life,

but just know that this trip has been the adventure of a lifetime,

and I'm so grateful I had you by my side,

and you're the best friend a guy could ask for.

[woman] Aw.

So you think you could just chase a bus down,

bang on the windows, jump on here, and just apologize like that,

and I'd just forgive you, and everything's all good? Huh?

- I… I don't know. - You thought that was gonna work?

- I... [sighs] - Well, guess what.

It did. [Chuckles]

That's the best thing anybody's ever done for me.

Look man, you're my best friend, bro.

[woman] Aw. So sweet!

Sorry. I'm sorry. [Muffled chuckle]

Look, if you wanna still make this trip to New York, I'm down.

Don't fuck with me. I'm really vulnerable right now.

- Are you being serious? - Forget my sister.

Yes, you are going to see Maria.

[shrieks] Yes!

New York City, here we come, baby!

[passengers cheer]

Yes!

We're going to New York! Yes!

Yes! I'm coming for you! Let's go!

Can I give you a hug? I love you, man.

I don't know you, but I love you, man!

Let's go! Take this bus to New York!

It, um… No!

- [man] Get the fuck off. - [woman] That was the craziest shit ever.

["Knockout" playing]

♪ Gravy ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, gravy train, nature boy Ric Flair, pop sh♪♪ ♪

♪ Think I'm Randy Savage When I hit you with that drop kick… ♪

[Chris] Dude, this is awesome.

Wow.

[Bud] Wow.

We made it, man.

Damn it, I left Maria's business card in the car.

- Seriously? - Damn it.

Uh, you know where the galleries are?

- That way. - That way? Thank you.

- [Bud] Whoa, whoa, whoa. - [Chris] Whoa, shit! Sorry.

Excuse me, do you know where Maria's gallery is?

- I have no idea. - Maria Li? She's, like, half-Chinese.

I have no idea who that is.

She's really sweet. She stuck up for me in high school.

She's probably the hottest girl in New York City. You gotta know who she is.

- I don't... I don't really know, uh... - You're not from here?

[Trina] Oh, I'm about to get these motherfuckers.

Mm-mm-mm…

[Bud] Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa.

There it is, right there!

[Bud] That's where your girl at, brother!

I'm freaking out. I can't feel my throat,

and my hands are disconnected from my body...

- Chris, calm... calm down. Calm down. - Yeah.

Look, you gotta trust yourself, okay, man? What you gonna do?

You're gonna go in there, be yourself, talk how you always talk,

and she's gonna fall in love with you. You got this. Go get your girl!

Okay. I got this. Thank you, Bud. [exhales sharply]

Believe in yourself!

Put some ChapStick on.

I got this. I got this, I got this, I got this.

You got your wristband?

- No. Uh, wristband? - Yeah.

- Maria just invited me from Florida. - That's crazy.

Don't have a wristband on you, I don't have your name.

- I don't need a wristband. I just... - You do.

You don't know what I've been through to get here. Can't be stopping me.

You gotta let me in. Please. Please.

- No. No. - Please let me in, sir.

- Take a walk, sir. - Please. You have to let me in.

- You're not on my list, sir. - Okay, okay, okay.

[Chris groans] Come on! Come on, man!

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

I just got two dollars.

- Go that way. - And, uh…

- I got some Lincolns. - Put your money away.

- Looks like one... - Pick up your pennies.

Two, four...

Man! Chill out, chill out, chill out.

The woman I love is in there. Do you understand?

Gonna be all right.

- Have you ever been in love? - Yeah.

- So you know what I'm going through. - That's not the way you do it.

I sacrificed everything, my job, my money.

I gave this guy the last two dollars and five cents.

No. You need to find another way to talk to that lady.

I'm telling you, man, from the bottom of my heart,

I've been waiting since I was a kid to tell her how I feel.

So if you've ever been in love, you will let me through that door.

[whispers] Can't believe I'm doing this.

You're letting me in?

[laughs] Yes! Thank you, man!

Yes, thank you! [Chuckling]

This is amazing, man! I owe you my life, dude!

Go inside.

Wow.

[electronic beat]

[Maria] Hi, you guys!

We wanna let you know there's an artist speaking at 3:45.

- Okay. - Okay.

- If you're able to stay, that'd be great. - Awesome.

Yeah. Five, six, seven, eight…

Thank you guys so much for coming today. This is our second group show.

Some of these artists sell at auction for millions of dollars,

so we're very excited to have their work here today.

We really wanna hear what you guys think

about this particular collection of artists

and of course Anthony's work, which is unbelievable.

- I don't think you ever show anywhere. - [man speaks indistinctly]

…you can't speak, 'cause you know some of my work.

Well, I think it's a...

- Hi! - Hey, Maria.

- Oh my God. - Sorry.

- Hi. - Hi.

- What are you doing here? - How are you doing?

- Do you wanna just talk for a second? - Yeah.

Sorry, guys. Anthony is...

He can tell you all about his... His experience.

- Sorry, I didn't know you were working. - [Maria] Of course.

This is such a nice surprise.

[Chris] Uh…

Maria, I, um…

I don't quite know the words to use right now.

Uh… So I'm just gonna speak from the heart.

Okay.

Maria, when you walked in my work the other day,

I felt something special,

and I knew right then and there that I would stop at nothing

to be able to see you again.

And, uh… trust me,

this trip was not easy.

I went through hell and high water to get here.

I experienced emotional and physical traumas I may…

Never recover from.

But I would do it a million times over

just to be able to tell you…

Oh, uh… [chuckles softly]

Maria Li, I am crazy about you,

and I want to start a new life with you.

- [romantic music swelling] - [Maria chuckles]

Chris!

Oh my God.

That is…

- Thank you… - Yeah.

…for that.

- But no. - [music halts]

No.

That's…

That's crazy.

[Maria laughs]

This is just kind of out of left-field, and I'm at work, and...

- Yeah. - We don't really know each other.

Listen, is it okay if... if... If we're just friends?

- Uh… - [Maria] Um…

- [tires squealing] - [people screaming]

Oh my God.

Motherfucker.

[Chris] Hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait!

- Hey, Trina, whoa! - Piece of shit!

- [Trina roars] - [Chris shouts]

[Chris] Jesus! Stop!

- Stop! Stop! - [Trina growling]

- [Chris] Please help me! - [Trina] Bitch!

[Trina] Where you running to? Where you running to, punk?

[art smashing]

- [Trina shouts] - [Chris] Gosh!

[Maria] No, no, no. No!

[Chris] Please!

- [crowd screaming] - [woman] Go! Call for help!

[Chris shouts, squeals]

- [woman] Oh! - [man] Stop, enough!

[Trina growls]

[Chris screams] Everybody, I need you to move out of the way!

[Trina] You lyin' skinny ho!

[crowd gasping]

Oh, fuck!

Shit! Shit, shit, shit!

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

[Chris grunts]

- [Chris muttering] - [Trina growls]

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Oh!

No, no, no! No, no!

Oh, look…

- Where's Bud? - Trina!

You destroyed my car. Now I'm gonna destroy you!

[groans, yelling]

[growls] You better tell me where the fuck Bud is!

[Chris screaming]

- [Trina] Shut the fuck up! - Oh my God!

- Oh my God! [Screams] - [crowd gasps]

[Chris screams] Help! Help, help!

- [Chris wailing] - [Trina] Where the fuck is Bud?

The fuck y'all looking at? Mind your goddamn business!

Oh my God, somebody needs to help him!

How can I help him?

Go stand under the damn thing!

- I can't stand under him! - [Chris] Please!

- Talk her out of killing me! - No, I'm gonna let your bitchass go!

- Ma'am! Please pull him up! - [Trina] No, I'm gonna drop his ass!

Help me! The cops won't get here in time!

What the hell you do to her?

You better scale your ass back up that wall!

[Chris] What?

That nigga ain't worth it!

- I'm from where you from. - You ain't from where I'm from.

- Beating his ass ain't worth it! - I'm from the streets!

If you was from the street, you wouldn't be doing that!

People from the street don't hang people from roofs.

Can somebody else chime in too and give advice?

No, don't... don't let it happen. I know you got children,

you got a family that loves you.

[Trina] I ain't got no goddamn kids.

You got a family that loves you, though.

My family don't love me. My family stole my shit.

There's somebody that loves you.

You better pray for this nigga 'cause I'm about to drop his ass.

Lord, help us, help us right now. Lord help us. Please, Jesus, help us.

- [Chris whimpering] No, no, no. - [woman] Help, baby, please.

[Bud] Put him down!

Bud! Is that you?

[Bud] Yeah, it's me, friend.

- Trina, you heard me. I said put him down! - [Trina] What?

- What the fuck did you just say to me? - You heard me.

[Chris sobs] Kill me first, Trina.

Bud's my brother.

I don't want to see him die. [groaning, grunts]

Lord Jesus. Lord Jesus.

What, you got some courage today?

You looking at a new Bud Malone.

That's right, this trip made me better!

Bud Malone ain't scared of shit no more.

Well, you smell like shit!

That may be true.

That's for a lot of reasons I don't feel like talking about now,

but goddammit, I'm not scared of you.

[Trina] Fuck you think you talking to, huh?

You gonna die today.

Go and say hi to Grandma, motherfucker.

I'm gonna live!

You've bullied me, you've picked on me, and I'm done with it.

You might be saying hi to Grandma, and not me.

- What? - That's right!

- You think you gonna fuck me up? - I'm gonna try!

- Really, bitch? - Really!

- Okay then. - Okay then.

Let's go.

Give me some love, nigga. I'm so proud of you!

I am proud of you.

You been acting like a bitch for years! You finally stood up for yourself.

I know I was hard on you growing you up, you know?

It was hard for me to grow you.

But that's only 'cause I didn't want you to be no punk, man.

Look at you.

It fucking worked.

I guess it did.

- [woman gasps softly] - [Trina laughs]

- Look at me, I'm a tough guy. - You a tough guy now.

- I stood up to you. That's crazy. - You stood up to me.

- And I forgive you, man. - Thank you.

I didn't think you would.

- That's it. - [both grunting]

[gasping]

What the hell was that for?

You did steal my car.

- Yeah, that's fair. - All right, bro.

I'm proud of you, man.

I'm real proud of you.

[laughs] I'll catch you in the wind, nigga.

I wasn't ready for this. I was ready to eat.

I wasn't ready to be Samuel L. Jackson in The Negotiator.

[glass shards clinking]

Hey, Maria.

I realize, in hindsight, this was all a little crazy.

And I was bummed out 'cause I thought we were soul mates,

but it turns out that I do have a soul mate.

My best friend, Bud.

Like, the guy saved my life. [Chuckles]

- So anyway, I mulled it over... - [shrieks] Get the fuck out of here!

Get out!

Look at my gallery!

Look at what you did!

- Assholes! - [Chris] Let's go!

[Maria] Get the fuck outta here!

- [Chris] Let's go. - [Maria] Now!

- Nice to meet you. - Yeah, okay.

- Get the fuck out! - All right.

[sighing]

[Maria sobs]

- It's okay. - [muffled sobs]

Thank you.

Cry, that's what you need.

Thank you.

Cry, and it's fine.

When you cry, you feel better.

[Bud] I wanna thank you for bringing me on this trip.

I'm about to do so much. I'm about to do it big, now. Know what I mean?

I'm gonna dress better. Can't keep wearing these big ass jeans.

[chuckling] Bud, I owe you, man.

No, honestly, you do so much for me. It's time I do something nice for you,

and I think I figured out a way to finally make your dreams come true.

[Verdi's "La Traviata: Drinking Song"]

[Bud] Wow, I can't believe this, man. This is great!

My dream finally came true, huh?

- Is this gonna work, though? I mean… - I think, so far so good.

Yeah? What do I do? Should I just...

We just gotta have fun, blend in. Change your voice a bit if you can.

- Okay. - Let's do it.

- Gonna think white thoughts. - Think white thoughts.

- [Chris] Think white thoughts. - [big band music plays]

[Chris] Hi.

Uh, I'm going to yoga and, uh, golf later.

Yeah?

And, uh, I'm gonna go see Megyn Kelly,

uh, do a TED Talk later.

- Cool. - Great.

- How you doing? - Good, how are you?

I just got my lips done.

I think you look beautiful tonight.

[Bud] Mmm.

[Chris] Do you know if, uh, Dow Jones is here?

Mmm. [Moans, chuckles]

Get your own, okay?

Let's Lady and the Tramp it.

I'm looking for a sugar daddy.

I'm not interested.

Dude, I got to hand it to you, man. White Chicks totally works in real life.

I think we found our third link.

- I'm Kitty. - Kitty!

To Kitty! Meow meow.

Are you a white chick?

- [nervous chuckle] - [Chris and Bud laughing]

- I was penetrated by a gorilla. - [Kitty] Oh!

[Chris cackles]

Isn't this party fun?

Being all different types of... [grunts]

[Chris] What the hell, dude?

Mm-hmm.

Trina, is that you?

- What up? - Oh! Yeah, Trina!

Since I'm on the run, I figured I might as well go with this look,

take it down to Mexico,

and start life all over again as a white man.

- How's it feel so far, being a white man? - Cooler than a motherfucker.

I'm living my best motherfucking life. You know what I'm saying?

I got to walk right in this motherfucker. Didn't nobody stop me from shit.

Let me grab your pussy.

[Chris and Bud laughing]

Yeah. I'm sick of this boring-ass ballroom dancing bullshit.

- I'll be back. - Okay.

- Anybody tell you you look like a turtle? - Whatever.

[classical music playing]

Hey, I need you to leave.

I need you to get the fuck out of here.

Cut this music off.

- [Trina] Go. - [waltz music stops]

I said get the fuck off the stage. This is my party.

All right, come on, bitches. Let's do this!

- ["Party Up (Up in Here)" plays] - Oh, yeah!

- We gotta do it, man! - ♪ Ungh ♪

[Bud] I hope these motherfuckers ready! Turn it up!

♪ Y'all gon' make me lose my mind ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here ♪

♪ Y'all gon' make me go all out ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here ♪

♪ Y'all gon' make me act a fool ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here! ♪

♪ Y'all gon' make me lose my cool ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here… ♪

- [Bud] Go! Go! Go! - [cheering]

- Go! Go! Go! - [Chris and Bud] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[vocalizing]

[Bud] Here we go, nigga!

Nigga, nigga, nigga! Come on, nigga!

[Bud scatting, vocalizing]

♪ Y'all gon' make me lose my mind ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here… ♪

Get off me!

[Bud] Motherfuckers!

[Bud and Chris whooping]

Yo, that shit was disgusting, but we got it all on camera.

[film crew whooping]

Are you fucking kidding me? I thought I needed to help somebody!

See that box right there? There's a camera guy in there.

- Your throw up is nasty, man. - Yeah, it's gross.

Hey, Adam, Adam. Wave to the people, Adam.

Wave to them. Say hi.

[woman laughing]

You were gonna... My God!

You guys know you wrong for that, seriously.

Man, y'all is playing! This the worst!

[Eric] Hold onto that. Hold that for our camera right there.

- Oh my God! I still don't see it. - [indistinct chatter]

What did you think was up with the vacuum?

I was like, "Oh shit!"

- Here's your... - I got pranked!

Oh God.

Scalpel.

How many fingers can you fit in there?

- I think we gotta go in the hole... - Get the fuck out.

No, you gotta knot it up and put it in.

I trust you, but I do not trust him.

Sorry, man.

Five second rule, right?

What about driving like this?

[laughing]

[film crew laughing]

[Eric] Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

And action.

[plumber] What the fuck?

That was amazing.

He's like, "I'm a plumber." [chuckles]

- [crashing] - Whoa!

- Shit! - [Chris] Who are you?

What the fuck?

- What time is it? What time is it? - [man laughs]

- [crashing] - Oh!

What the hell?

I need my clothes. I'm late for work. Excuse me! Excuse me!

What the fuck is going on right now?

Hey!

[film crew whooping]

[cleaner] Stop! Stop!

All right, Eric. Let's, uh, test the rig.

[man] Yeah, squeeze it.

[Eric] The safe word is popcorn, right, if somebody attacks me?

[groaning] Uh, excuse me, where's the bathroom? [Farts]

Oh, God. I thought that was the urinal.

I will tell you something right now. I don't care where you piss,

but get away from me, okay? 'Cause I don't want to smell your piss.

I'll shower and play pool with you if you want.

I guess you don't understand.

Okay. All right. Goosebumps or whatever... [laughs]

[Eric] Popcorn, popcorn, popcorn!

[shrill, out of tune recorder]

You got, like, the coolest beard I've ever seen in my life.

You just look like an artist that never sells his paintings.

I love it.

Just keep all that art to yourself. Don't make a dime.

Your girlfriend left 'cause you don't pay rent

because you won't sell any of your pieces.

That's the beard you've got. You look amazing.

That's so specific.

- Hey, I'm Chris Carey. Nice to meet you. - Hi.

- A champagne toast to my best friend, Bud. - [pop]

- [Chris] To the birthday boy! - [Bud] What are you doing?

- Do you guys wanna hit this? - I do not, thank you.

- [tires screeching] - [Bud] Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're in a movie! [Laughs]

[man] What were you thinking?

I was thinking somebody was coming after him,

and they was gonna come after me.

I'm like, "Oh, I have to hide under the table."

[crew laughing]

I'm, uh, just a typical white chick.

[man on radio] Got the number and name of a honky-tonk bar.

You scared the shit out of me, dude.

[director] Make sure it reads as, like, face-fucking.

- [groaning] - Yeah.

And Adam, look around to me. Like, whip your head around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.

Yeah, just, like, fuck his face while you're making eye contact. Like…

Like, you're just, like… Like, "Who's next?"

[cheers and applause]

I had no idea you all was shooting a movie!

I ought to beat your butt! Oh my God!

Hey, man. You're a hero.

I was just trying to make sure everything was…

You're a goddamned hero.

Thanks for doing the movie, buddy.

They should probably put a towel over this when we ain't filming.

It's a buddy film.

- [Eric] Thank you, folks! - Hey!

- [Tiffany] Hey, girl, you were so good! - Thank you.

- [Tiffany] You're an angel! - I didn't know what to do!

[Tiffany] You was doing a good job!

But y'all just standing there. Y'all wasn't tryin' to help or nothin'!

Y'all scared as hell. Y'all just standing there like…

[cackling] I know.

- [woman] You ain't right! - You ain't right.

[Tiffany] You were gonna let me kill this Black man!

I always wanted to talk to her, you know...

[Chris] Oh my God! Oh shit!

What the fuck!

What the fuck!

What happened?

What in the fuck happened?

What did you do?

You're naked, man.

Hey, Craig!

Selling it, woman!

You're selling it!

That is awesome!

- That blew my mind. - [film crew laughing]

[man] Car's out there.

[Eric] Good job, guys!

I just saw this girl, like, snatch a door off a cop car.

And I was wondering, like, "She strong!"

That's wrong. You better get my good side, too.

Did you think I was just, like... Did you think I was, like, schizophrenic?

- I thought you were fucked up! - [crew laughing]

Three.

Four.

[squealing laughter]