Original subtitles

The following is a fan-based parody.

Sword Art Online is owned by A1 Pictures, Aniplex USA, and Reki

Kawahara. Please support the official release.

What's wrong, hero?

After all...

I barely grazed you.

Sugo? What the hell are you doing here?

Me?

I'm just following your advice.

You are the one who suggested I should keep our conflict in the real world.

Yeah? I meant you could secure lawyers on me! Ruin my reputation!

Not gank me in a fucking parking lot, you lunatic!

Oh, but lawyers do so lack that personal touch.

I feel like I needed to handle this.

Eye to eye!

Gah! Jump in, Jehovah! What the fuck happened to you?

You did you with several shits!

Look at me! You defaced a masterpiece!

Who would marry me now?

Oh, yeah.

She totally had a line around the block before.

You truly don't know when to shut up, do you? I really don't. It's a problem.

Indeed. We all have our struggles.

Blessedly, I'm about to put an end to my- Oh,

and just like that, the deed is done.

Uh, I don't mean to backseat murder, my guy, but you're a little wide.

God, you goddamn cockroach! Why won't you just die?!

Oh my god, I got it! I mean, of course I got it! Because you suck!

So... Sure you wouldn't rather call your lawyers?

No way, please!

I'm not a bad guy!

I just wanted to create a better world! For me!

But I wouldn't have gotten around to everyone else eventually!

Think of all the jobs kidnapping your wife created!

Please! I'll give you anything!

You want us to take her? She's yours!

Just please don't kill me!

You know what?

The last time we were here, you told me I owed you my life.

What do you say we call it even?

Told you I'd find you. Never doubted you.

Real or virtual, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

It's such bullshit!

What?

When I woke up... I looked like they just unearthed me from an Egyptian tomb.

But here you are looking all glam to the gill straight out the coma.

Fuck you. I love you so much.

Thanks for coming to get me.

I'm really glad you're okay.

You are okay, right?

Where'd you get this sexy little number?

Oh, that?

Well, I know it's a bit late, but...

Merry Christmas, Asuna.

Hello?

Marcel?

I need you to come pick me up.

I need to bring a fresh pair of pants.

Holy crap, that's the hottest fucking thing I've ever seen.

I love you, Kirito.

So how long do you think you'll be?

I'm very cold.

Hmm? What do you mean you're not coming?

I've been cancelled?

For what?

Can we live a real life?

A real life?

Do we even know what that means?

Can we live a real-

Anyway,

like Plato said, a whale is no more a fish than a... Alright class, that's all

for today. As a reminder, be sure to get your essays to me no later than two two

two two two two two two... He's quenching. How the hell is he quenching?

Oh, my God. I knew it. We're still in the game.

Okay, okay. Settle down now. I'm just rousing you.

Oh, Christ.

I'm going to take a joke at God damn snowflakes.

Hey, babe.

How was class?

Oof. That bad, huh?

What did he do this time?

Imagine, if you will, a guy waltzing into a veteran's hospital, tossing a

load of firecrackers into a group share session, and then locking the door

behind him as he enjoys the symphony of screams from the chaos he has rocked.

Hey, you wanna trade?

At least your guy's actually teaching you something between his bullshit.

Unlike Mrs.

Acacia Moonqueef, who gathered round- and touch the rose quartz.

Let it draw out your trauma.

And remember, Pluto is in retrograde, so you know now's the time for

introspection. Really dig deep and examine that pain.

Ugh, dumb bitch.

Yep. Getting a good teacher is like getting a rare gachapo.

For every five-star John Keating, there's nan-de-nan moon queefs.

Ugh, this sucks.

I'm already two years behind thanks to SAO. At this rate, I'll never get into a

good college, which means I'll have no chance of getting a good job. I'll be

solely reliant on the money I make selling your feet pics.

My future's ruined!

What are you worried about?

Your dad's the CEO of a company.

Your golden parachute is practically jewel-encrusted.

Wait a sec, did you say my feet?

Yeah, a company that probably won't even exist in a few years. This latest VR

debacle is killing us. And you've seen how my dad spends money. Between his

divorce, Ferrari addiction, and his search for the last dodo egg, he's

pretty much tapped out.

I gotta admit, I kinda admire someone who can just follow their dreams like

that.

What? No, you don't. His dream is stupid and it's destroying our family.

Huh? Oh, right.

Of course.

You know... It's funny.

We spent so much time in VR.

I kind of forgot how blue the sky is.

Man, that's something I never expected to hear from you.

You've been adjusting really well.

You think you're ready for the party tonight?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be fine.

I'll feel better after tonight.

Just gotta log in and be done with it.

Licker!

brave for someone standing in Asuna range.

Oh, please.

What more could she take from me?

I don't know.

Let's find out.

Hey, Asuna!

Oh my god, shut up! She'll hear you!

Okay, but real talk.

Kirito, seriously, what is the appeal?

What is the appeal?

He was going to whisk us away to the lush, picturesque forests of the Swiss

Alps, building us a log cabin with nothing but an axe in his hands and the

sweat on his brow, providing everything for our family of four.

We have two children, Juliana and Frederick.

Our third Augustus is due in the spring.

But my darling is more than just a mountain of muscle.

He also has a sensitive side.

Every morning, he bakes the family our own personal soufflés before he heads

into town for work.

But beside each soufflé is a personalized handwritten poem letting us

know how much Daddy loves us.

I also call him Daddy.

At least, I would.

Girl,

it couldn't have- if only that bitch hadn't stolen him from me. But now,

we'll never know!

I feel like we do.

I hate to use this kind of language, Liz, but he is a straight-up wiener, and

you need to get over him. This isn't healthy.

Oh, you don't get to lecture me about getting over stuff.

At least he bought you a new dragon.

It's not the same!

Every time I look at it, you know what I feel?

Nothing. Pina was literally a green item.

She was a-

Wait, what does that sign say?

Asana? I thought you said this was going to be an intimate dinner party.

No, I said it was a party at dinner. You inferred the rest.

I inferred nothing.

You lured me here under false pretenses and you know it. How many people are in

there? Only a couple.

Like 17 or so.

That is a very specific number.

Lower your voice.

I may have been in charge of the guest list.

Oh my god.

So like everybody we know is in there?

Ugh. He's going to make me talk to his friends, and I just can't keep

pretending I know their names. I just can't. You think any of us do? They're

nobodies. But you're a part of high society now, and that means politely

nodding your way through a name small talk until they go away. No.

No, no, no. You can't make me.

Oh, you know I can. I can, and I will. I am a high-maintenance bitch, and you

make this choice. Now suck it up and open the gut.

Surprise! Well, that was incredibly awkward.

Way to make an entrance, dick nuts.

But never you fear, it's about to get much worse.

All right, everyone.

It's go time.

Let them have it.

Congratulations on clearing SAO.

This is quite the cap on one hell of an adventure, Tiff.

You said it. We haven't had much time to hang since you started school.

Was flying around Alfheim everything you dreamed it to be?

Ah, Tiff.

It was just awful.

Everyone said such cruel things and treated me horribly.

Just because I was black.

You can never imagine such hate.

How long you been sitting on that one?

Oh. Actual months.

Thank you for being such a good sport.

No problem.

Enjoy your nine up, you prick.

Ah, you put ice in this.

Didn't you say the stuff is toxic when it's cold?

Must have slipped my mind.

I'll get you a fresh one.

I'll take one on the rocks, my good man.

Real men drink their nine up cold.

Hail to the conquering hero!

Oh, hey, you... You.

I forgot your name. It's me!

Your old pal, Thinker! Remember?

You helped me out of a spot of bother in that dungeon a while back.

Oh, right.

Oh.

Have things been going good with that, uh, passionate girlfriend of yours?

I wanna say Julie.

Juliet? Oh, heavens no!

They're not together!

No, you'd better not let her hear you say that. We have to correct people all

the time, and she finds it quite vexing.

Really, now, why can't society accept that a man and a woman can be incredibly

close without insisting that it's romantic?

He's just so respectful!

God, why won't he just choke me out with this monster cock?

You're right.

The weather has been lovely lately.

By the way, you catch the news today? Looks like they came to a verdict.

Oh yeah?

Well, don't keep us in suspense.

Gotta go for it.

What do you think?

Bringing a close to one of the strangest legal battles in recent memory, Chief of

Research for Wrecked Progress, Nobuyuki Sugo, was found guilty earlier today,

despite widespread debate over what crimes were technically committed.

In a stunning turn of events, the defense was able to argue that, since

his alleged victims were never physically removed from their respective

hospitals, he technically did not kidnap them under the letter of the law.

But just as Sugo's freedom seemed assured, startling new facts came to

light. As it turns out, the harrowing attacks that left hundreds of young

Alfheim players with permanent, crippling nerve damage was perpetrated

by none other than Sugo himself, as demonstrated in this leaked footage.

Viewer discretion is advised, as the following may be disturbing to some

viewers. Mwahaha.

I, Nobyaki Sugu, am going to turn out the Alfheim Pain Absorbers with full

knowledge of the consequences thereof. Fuck the poor.

Bye, crypto.

Chilling stuff.

Needless to say, the jury only required five minutes to reach their unanimous

decision. He was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

Little heavy-handed, you, eh? But, eh, greater audience, I guess.

Coming up, the grisly string of catastrophically violent break-ins

that's giving local police... ...paws?

More at 11.

Kazuto, slow down!

It's not like they're gonna start the after-party without you!

Aaaand we're here!

Did you see that, Tsukaha? Did you see me do it? Do what?

I finally learned to stop.

I'm so proud of you.

So where is this party?

There's nothing here.

Oh, to the contrary, my dear sister.

You must cast thine eyes skyward.

What? The moon?

Oh, no.

That's no moon.

Huh?

You didn't. You couldn't have.

Why would you bring it back?

Have you ever seen anything so beautiful, Sugu?

I wasn't sure I was going to have it done in time for the big day.

But look at it.

It's bigger and better than ever.

But this place, it killed so many people. Why would you do this to

yourself? Oh, Sugu.

how little you understand i didn't do this for me i did it for you

and all of our friends

we

can

finally return to where we truly belong but no

Oh, silly girl.

Of course we do.

But it's only fair the virtual world gets a chance to prove itself, too.

Please, won't you join us?

Sister.

Don't be scared, Tsugura.

We'll be right here with you, every step of the way, as we usher in a new

digital age for mankind.

Kazuto! No!

Kirito!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

We keep the light in your eyes shining on, electrified by love and

more.

Get it on, get up for a happy night.

Never mind your

Make me feel that the wheels keep turning.

Hello, hello for a happy night.

Higher, higher, higher, higher.

We're gonna set the world on fire.

Nothing more than a heart's desire.

Get it on, get up for a happy night.

Higher, higher, higher, higher.

We're living it up forever and ever and we never will stop.

And we never will stop.