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Radio host: All right, they don't call it

the armpit of the world for nothing.

Of course it's hazy and there's traffic.

I'm a genius. It's Zeke on K-Rock.

♪ We're just friends

♪ Just friends and we're in love ♪

♪ Talk about a gut reaction ♪

God, I hate mornings.

♪ We're different

♪ And so similar too

What do you think?

I'm gonna send it to my mother.

Ow.

I really think that they should give you a little handbook

when you graduate so you have all the rules

for a productive and happy life

and the piece of paper there to prove

that you're qualified to do it.

But they don't.

I always told myself that if I got a career,

I would never let a guy come between me and it.

It's kind of like Marlo Thomas in "That Girl."

I wanna have my Donald and eat it, too.

And you said you were employed at...

Associate Artists.

You mind if I smoke?

Sorry, no smoking.

What do you do for them?

I'm an agent.

I just got promoted.

Great.

And you're gonna put

the down payment on your credit card?

Sure.

My lunch break started three minutes ago.

Do you want to get something to eat?

Sure.

♪ A natural high

♪ Lookin' for an easy way to try and get by ♪

♪ Well, I'm just standing in time ♪

♪ But it's stepping on me

♪ Unnatural high

♪ Lookin' for an easy way to try and get by ♪

♪ Well, I'm just standing in time ♪

♪ But it's stepping on me

♪ Freeze, move

♪ Tiptoe and a shake

♪ Breeze, sky, some latest quake ♪

♪ I'm not frozen, I'm just freezing ♪

♪ Unnatural

♪ Not natural

♪ Unnatural

- ♪ So magical - ♪ Let's try to get by

♪ Try to get by

♪ Let's just try and get by ♪

♪ Let me tell you about my baby ♪

♪ She makes poor hearts skip a beat ♪

♪ I love her and don't mean maybe ♪

♪ She knocks me off my feet ♪

Thanks for rushing that.

Mm.

Can I get you guys anything else?

Yeah. How 'bout a Dewars?

-How 'bout a beer? - How 'bout a Sam Adams?

- How 'bout Heineken? - How about a Heineken?

It's worth a try.

- Two. - Three.

Cool.

So you got the car?

- I did. -How the hell can you afford something like that?

I can't.

But you only live once, right?

Do you have to smoke while I eat?

Yes.

What's your problem?

My problem? I'm almost 30.

I make 300 espressos a day for minimum wage.

And you're writing the novel that will not die.

-But it's gonna be great. - It is.

So, why don't you finish the thing?

Yeah, doesn't Stephen King write like three books a year?

Five, and that proves my point.

What's it up to, uh, pound wise?

1,800 pages, asshole.

You know, the thing is, by the time I was 30,

I thought I'd have a novel out there,

maybe a movie deal. - I know.

I didn't think I'd be another guy slinging coffee.

Look at me, Nick. I have a 150 IQ

and I wipe the nose grease off of glasses all day long.

Yeah, but you have a dental plan.

I don't even have a college degree.

I don't know how to do anything.

I've been like, an office temp,

a house painter, a Super Shuttle driver.

You drove a Super Shuttle?

He wrecked a Super Shuttle.

Somehow, that doesn't surprise me.

Thing is, I just want something different.

Ah, you're just like me, Nicky.

Waitin' for your life to start.

I've spent my whole life waiting for my life to start.

- Deep. - Very.

♪ My baby drives me wild ♪

♪ Well, it may

♪ Look like splendor

♪ Yeah, but I should know better ♪

♪ I've been here before

♪ And I've seen

♪ Faces filled with fever

♪ You pull down the lever

♪ They flow right out the door

Man, Nicky, there better be a lot of people at this party

'cause I feel really silly.

Jude, don't worry, I got the juice at this place.

We'll be all right.

So why didn't that sexy phantom roommate of yours come out with us tonight?

'Cause she thinks you're sleazy.

She loves me.

And she thinks Nick's pathetic.

At least she's right about something.

Anyway, she's probably recovering from whatever she did last night.

You mean "who" she did last night.

Don't worry, she's a bitch anyway.

Yeah, you don't have to live with her.

So...

I got into Stanford.

Really?

That's terrific.

When did you find out?

Today.

That's great.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's great.

Call me wacky, but you don't seem so thrilled.

No, it's great, really.

I don't know. Pfft!

What does Bob think?

Well, he assumes that I'm gonna go to Idaho with him.

This could be an issue.

Yup.

It-- it could.

I don't know, you guys.

I just don't know if I can see myself

as Ms. City Planner in Pocatello, Idaho. Eh.

City planner?

Hey, it's ecologically-minded. Job of the '90s.

At least he's doing something that matters.

Yeah, but what am I gonna do in Idaho?

Eat potatoes.

Make potato soup, potato pie.

Ha. Fuck that.

Oh, yeah, it's nice to see that juice working there, buddy.

It'll pick up.

Yeah, it's like, the hottest party in town.

So what's the alternative?

Go for the house, the car, the white picket fence...

I don't know. I don't know.

Bob moved, and...

well, they're coming for my stuff next week.

- Judy! - What?

I didn't know I was gonna get accepted into Stanford.

So he doesn't know you're going?

Well, I haven't exactly said yes.

But Bob thinks you're going.

He must have said something

like, "Are you coming with me or..."

- No, he just assumed that. - Assumed?

Yeah.

Okay, we didn't talk about it.

I thought you were a Communications major.

I was. I learned that men and women speak different languages.

Hey.

Be right with ya, chief.

Whatever you say, guy.

Lose the attitude, man.

You're gonna get us kicked out.

Nick, look around you.

We're not gonna get kicked out of here.

Believe me.

Nice ears.

At least I dressed up.

I didn't want to look like you.

Besides, I'd rather go naked than wear fur.

What's wrong with the way I look?

- I think you look cute. - Cute?

You're a bunny.

And?

- Heineken. - Heineken.

Heineken.

Hey.

When did you get that?

I got it in the mail.

What, are they handing out gold cards

to all the flunkies in the mailroom now?

I'm an assistant now, thank you very much.

You know, that's disgusting.

How do I get one?

What, they don't take plastic?

Not when it's declined.

All you, buddy.

Thanks, Nick.

Hey, Nicky, where are we?

Uh, we're on the 10.

Oh, good.

Get off on Fairfax.

I, uh...

I think we might have missed your exit.

What?

Where the fuck are we?

Oh, I'd say about 30 miles from Palm Springs.

Oh, no! What are you fucking smoking?

I have to work today!

We're almost there.

Almost where?

You'll see.

Oh, man.

Oh, my head.

Don't step on the seat.

I-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

How do you feel?

Like death.

I'm gonna go get something to eat, all right?

No, no.

Alex, come on. You have a real job too.

Make him take us home.

If we go in there with him in that bunny suit,

we're gonna get our asses kicked, I'm telling you.

Who asked you?

Listen, I'm starving. It's just breakfast.

You'll feel better if you get something to eat too.

All right, maybe coffee.

All right? And then we're going back to L.A.

- Deal. - Alex?

I don't know if I'm hungry or bored.

You guys go ahead.

I'm gonna make a few phone calls.

Who are you gonna call at this hour of the morning?

Some of us work, Nick.

Sorry.

Gosh. You know, I've always wanted

a black velvet Elvis painting.

Don't talk about The King like that.

What?

I'm not talking about '50s Elvis.

'50s Elvis was a pussy. I'm talking about '70s Elvis.

- 300 pounds of Elvi. - "Elvi"?

Yeah, all packed into a full-flavor

white satin jumpsuit with rhinestones

and a collar you could land a plane on.

Do you ever frighten yourself? Just no, yes?

Where's our waitress?

Oh, there's...

Thanks, pretty lady.

What is that?

Grease.

Eggs over easy, hashbrowns,

biscuits with gravy.

- That's why Elvis died fat. - You know it, baby.

You know what you want?

Uh, yeah, can I get one of those truckers with fries?

Just a coffee, thanks.

Uh, yeah, can I get a plain croissant

with some kiwi on the side, maybe?

No.

Okay, maybe some low-fat yogurt

with some granola on top?

No.

Okay, let me ask you something.

Is there anything you guys cook here

that is not prepared with lard?

No.

Okay.

So you folks on vacation?

Actually, it's a kidnapping.

Thanks.

You from Palm Springs?

No. Actually, I'm a supermodel and I waitress here for kicks.

Really?

Yeah, I'm an agent.

I-- I-- Oh, I have no cards.

You're lovely.

Look at these great postcards I got for my mother.

Great.

So where the hell are you taking us?

It's a place called The Salton Sea.

It was an old resort in the '40s,

then something happened to the water

and the place just sort of died out.

A sea? You mean like an ocean?

There are no oceans in the desert, Nick.

There are no dinosaurs in the desert either.

Good point.

If we go to this place, you'll be happy?

Something like that.

Who would ever wanna leave L.A.?

Nice graffiti.

This place is a dump, Nick.

Jeez. You know, I haven't been out here in a long time.

I wonder why.

I thought they tore it down.

What's so special about this place?

Well...

Oh, my God.

You know how in the city when there's no noise

that you can put your finger on,

there's still that background noise?

Urban static.

Yeah.

Well, it's just nice to be someplace where you can't hear it.

You think I'm a fuck up, don't you?

I think that you could try a little harder.

How much harder could I try?

I make coffee all day

and I write that fucking book all night.

You know, it takes everything I got

just to get out of bed in the morning.

Why don't you try typing "The End"?

You make it sound like I'm afraid.

Aren't you?

Man, fuck!

No, I think it'd be great to finish the book

and have everybody hate it, you know, and find out

I'm not as brilliant as I think I am.

Fuck!

I'm concerned.

So, I've been meaning to ask you,

how come you wanna work in Hollywood?

Because talking fast is what I do best maybe?

Yeah, I hadn't noticed.

I dazzled you with my bullshit too, huh?

I know a lot of people smart, just like you,

who do pretty much whatever they want.

They all sell out for the flash.

Yeah, it's easy, Nick.

You should try it sometime.

Learn to loosen up, have some fun.

I'm not very good at fun.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

You?

So, what's your plan?

- Plan? - Yeah.

Uh, I have no plan.

I have bills--

credit card payments, stuff like that.

But what can you do?

Can't afford my life? Oh well.

What you doin'?

Don't talk to me.

What, you're mad?

Yeah, I'm mad at you.

God, I've got shit to do today.

Now I'm not gonna be able to do any of it

because of your little kidnapping here. - Aw, come on, Jude.

You're hungover. You don't feel well.

No, yeah, I really don't feel well.

There's 40 years of dead fish everywhere

and I'm melting, okay?

Just look at this place.

There's no smog, no traffic.

Come on, don't be angry.

Don't tell me how to feel.

I need to be pissed off right now, okay?

Uh-oh.

What?

Jude, is there a reason

that you didn't just buy a new coffee cup?

I broke the set.

It has to match.

Oh, heaven forbid-- unmatched coffee cups.

It has to match.

Do you have any idea how much a whole set of coffee cups,

not to mention anything with character costs?

Does it matter?

Ta-da.

What do you think?

It's... it's colorful.

Yes, very colorful.

You don't like it.

Oh, I love it.

It's beautiful.

Martha Stewart would be proud.

It's ready.

It's interesting, Nick.

I can see what you're going for.

Jesus, Jude, be honest with him.

-What do you mean? - Nick, that is the ugliest

fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.

The homeless guy who roots through my garbage would throw it back.

It's dark, it's moody.

You've no appreciation for art.

That's not art, Nick. It's a bruise.

Ugh.

Man on answering machine: Hey, it's me.

I was just wondering if you wanted to see a movie.

All right.

Mmm. Iced coffee.

Bob on answering machine: Judy? It's, um, it's me.

It's Bob.

Yeah, well, the job's good and, um, well, I was--

I was just thinking, I know we talked about it before,

do you wanna get married?

To me?

Will you marry me?

The ring is coming tomorrow, express mail.

If you sign for it, I guess that means yes.

I love you.

He proposed to my answering machine.

Proposed like marriage?

To my answering machine!

Give me a cigarette. I didn't have time to stop.

So what about the ring? Is he mailing it?

Overnight express.

Fuck, Jude, I was kidding.

I-- I'm marrying a dork.

I mean, he is such a dork.

So what if he's a dork?

If you love him, marry him.

I haven't signed for the ring yet.

So, do you want to be Mrs. Dork?

Shut up, Nick.

You're so jealous.

What's up with you and those shoes?

What about 'em?

How many pairs of shoes do you own?

42 at last count. Why?

Normal people don't own 42 pairs of shoes.

I wanna tell you, last month, I was in Barneys,

I found this really great pair of black slip-ons,

made this incredible sound when you walked on tile.

They were sort of post modern, assuming you can

do that in a shoe, right?

Anyways, I had to have 'em.

I laid down the card. 350 right there.

That's almost my rent.

I get it. You're sublimating rejection.

Or is a shoe just a shoe?

Okay, I'm dating this model, right?

And she's a really beautiful girl.

She's a really fast and hard girl.

"Fast and hard"?

What exactly does that mean?

Are you guys even listening to me?

She was, you know, almost a Guess model.

And anyway, she was into all this natural stuff

and I didn't really want to look like I was trying too hard, right?

So, I go to the Gap, pick up this great denim shirt,

I figured it'd go with this beautiful red Armani tie I have.

I mean, I look good in red.

Anyways, I know I need the shoes to go with it,

so I go back, another 300 bucks right there.

So, I take her out that night, I give her all the bullshit

about the hellish life of a creative exec--

okay, well, junior exec-- okay-- executive assistant.

She's a model, what the fuck she know?

Anyways, a friend of mine

loans me his house for the week.

He had one of these $3,000-a-month high rises in Westwood.

It must have worked.

I nailed her on the first date on a black leather couch

looking over the ocean, watching MTV.

It was so L.A. I couldn't believe it.

You are such a scumbag, Alex.

No, I'm not a womanizer or anything.

It's just that I'm a young guy with a lot to learn.

But she didn't see it that way.

She told me to...

to go fuck myself, but...

Yes!

Mrs. Judy...

Mrs... Mrs...

Judy...

This is not good.

Excuse me.

Um, this may sound terribly direct,

but I've been staring at you for half an hour, and...

I was wondering, would you like to get some dinner with me sometime?

No.

Man, he was gorgeous.

I mean, he's probably a jerk.

Bob, he's really, really sweet.

He's a really, really sweet...

dork.

"This item requires your signature.

"After three delivery attempts,

the item will be returned to sender."

So, all I gotta do is just wait out two more attempts.

Or just sign for the damn thing.

Or just say no.

So, what kind of guy do you figure Bob for?

Two-month's-salary-upfront

or the sales-credit-plan kind of guy?

Don't forget the Cracker-Jack-prize kind of guy.

Oh, what about the candy-pacifier-ring kind of guy?

- He'd keep that for himself. - You're right.

Would you guys just leave Bob alone?

- No. - Absolutely not.

Anything else?

A life for my buddy Nick?

No.

So, what about this guy that asked you out today?

-Nick! - What?

Aren't you glad Bob's not around

to witness your treachery, you wanton whore?

I'm not gonna go out with him, okay?

Oh, but you wanted to.

- I-- - You thought about it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did. So what?

When I met Bob, I was dating somebody else.

I was always terrified that, you know,

I was gonna miss something, so I took all these chances

dating all these losers.

Then Bob told me that this one time,

I'd be missing the rest of my life.

Ouch! I'm getting a cavity.

We've been together ever since.

Thing is, I knew--

I knew when I met him that he would never leave.

That he was the one.

I just...

Afraid you're gonna miss something?

What are you doing here?

Dodging the mail guy.

Ooh, that's adult. The usual?

Yeah.

So you think I'll be making a huge mistake

if I marry Bob, don't you?

That stuff's gonna give you a brain tumor.

Great, like one major-league headache isn't enough.

It's on me, by the way.

Thanks. Well, don't you?

Don't I what?

Think I'll be making a huge mistake?

Yes.

Ah, you suck.

So we go back to her house, right?

And, you know, we started to get a little loose,

you know, she gets some wine, I get a line,

we go back into her room, we start messing around

a little bit, we start getting hot and heavy,

tits and elbows flying everywhere,

and she-- she goes to the bathroom,

and she's only there for two or three seconds, you know, and she comes back,

and I'm like, "What the hell were you doing?"

And she says, "Well, I was putting in my diaphragm."

And-- and, uh...

I say, "You don't have a diaphragm."

She says, "I know. I borrowed my roommate's."

What? That's the closest I ever came to being with two women.

Cindy?

Did you gt my note about the dishes?

Yes, Mom. Thanks.

Cin...

would you ever borrow my diaphragm?

You don't use a diaphragm.

But if I did, would you ever borrow it?

Depends on the guy.

Can I take you to dinner maybe?

I know the maitre d' at Drai's.

I know it's expensive.

Yeah. Don't worry about it.

Where the fuck is Alex?

Copies now.

And last time I looked, Alex,

it's my fucking office!

♪ I sent a letter with your name on it ♪

♪ And when it comes, you gotta sign for it ♪

♪ To show you love me

♪ Yeah, yeah, to show you love me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ And when you do, you're gonna come to me ♪

♪ And, girl, I'm gonna make it up to you ♪

♪ I'm not myself, not making sense ♪

♪ But all things said, it's an easy test ♪

♪ To show you love me

♪ Yeah, yeah, to show you love me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ And when you do, you're gonna come to me ♪

♪ And, girl, I'm gonna make it up to you ♪

♪ Love!

♪ I'm not myself

♪ Make no sense

♪ All things said, it's an easy test ♪

♪ To prove you love me

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ To show you love me

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ And when you do, I'm gonna come to you ♪

♪ And, girl, I'm gonna make it up to you ♪

♪ And when you do, you're gonna come to me ♪

♪ And, girl, I'm gonna make it up to you ♪

♪ Ooh

♪ See you!

So, you guys, check it out.

Two down, one to go.

Ooh, reprieve till Monday.

This calls for a celebration.

Well, it is Friday night. Let's do something.

I don't know what I wanna do.

I got an idea.

Let's stay here and chain-smoke and eat fried food.

That sounds great!

Do you guys have a cigarette?

God.

You take your groceries home in that thing?

What is that, bubblegum?

Is there anything you don't have in this bag?

Swiss Army knife...

Jeez, you're ready for anything, eh?

...the tape that you made me,

Alka-Seltzer for those nasty hangovers,

condoms...

Whoa! "Extra large."

Looks like Bob the Dork's got some hidden qualities.

You keep that. You need that more than I do.

Oh, I don't think so.

At least not this size.

Oh, come on, Nicky.

You're a safety boy, aren't ya?

Yeah, it's just-- it's been a while.

The way I see it, there's three types of people out there:

those in relationships who are having sex--

though in most two-job couples with one partner out of town,

I imagine it's pretty sporadic.

Not with me and Bob.

Whatever.

And then there's those people who haven't gotten laid in months

who are honest about it.

Oh, and then there's that person

who hasn't been laid in months who loves to bullshit

about all the women he's bagged.

What are you trying to say, Nick?

Nothing.

Although, I think all three parties are represented here

at the table, and...

I can't remember the last time I got laid.

Oh, so that would make me the liar?

He is quick. He's a sharp man.

Oh, don't tell me.

I have to have them.

Alex, you don't need another pair of shoes.

I know, but I want them.

Nick, check out these postcards!

My mother's gonna love these!

I guess.

Hey, what's with the postcards?

Do you ever actually send any to her?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I mean, other than the postcards, you hardly ever talk about her.

You wouldn't think you even had a mother.

Yeah, so what? We just have a little problem communicating.

Doesn't listen?

We just don't have much to say.

Mm.

Where are you going?

Oh!

"L'Annee Jolie."

We gotta go see that film.

You want us to go see a movie called "The Pretty Year"?

Yeah. It's black and white, French subtitles.

Does it have guns?

- No. - Is it a love story?

Well, kinda.

I don't want to spoil it for you guys, you know?

I mean, we always go to see Alex's shoot-'em-ups

and your dippy romances.

I mean, come see one of my movies for a change.

- Okay. - Worst case, you'll learn something about me.

What's up?

No offense, Nick, but remind me to

never learn anything about you ever again.

What are you talking about? It was a beautiful love story.

"Love story"? Nicky, everybody died.

It was a tragic love story.

It exemplified the pointlessness of existence.

Thank you, but I don't need to be reminded

of how pointless my existence is.

Your existence isn't pointless.

You've got Bob, the nice dork.

You got us.

So why is it exactly is it

that you're spending $200 on somebody else's jeans?

'Cause my old ones have so many holes in them,

they look like clam-diggers.

Yeah, but why $200?

Put it this way. Would you rather date

the Calvin Klein model or the boy next door?

Well, if the boy is nice...

Yeah, but would you want to be seen with that boy?

Besides, it's hard to replace an old pair of jeans.

You know, I've got memories with jeans. History.

One time, I wore a pair of jeans for two weeks straight.

That's longer than most of your relationships.

Exactly.

Huh? Huh?

Oh, man.

Next.

What?

What do you look for in a pair of jeans?

I don't know, something cheap,

comfortable, and doesn't make my ass look too big.

So, you're just looking for an article of clothing?

Yes, Alex.

They're jeans.

See, I'm looking for a best friend.

A life partner.

You know, something that won't care if I don't do laundry.

In fact, that will appreciate the increased comfort

that comes from weeks of constant wear.

Uh-huh.

Well, you struck out with Cindy Crawford,

so why don't you try on this one?

♪ First it looked too worn to play ♪

Mm-hmm. See?

Girl next door is not so bad.

Let's see how she is in bed.

Alex, you owe me $1,500.

I don't have that kind of money.

Well, you better find it, and I mean quick,

'cause I'm not gonna float you again.

All right, give me your railroads.

Is it just me, or does it seem like

everybody pushing 40 just had a baby?

I don't know anybody pushing 40.

There's nothing more boring than listening to people

talk about their kids.

Oh, yeah, there is.

Listening to people talk about their recovery.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

I should go get myself a heroin addiction.

Go into treatment. Probably a good way to meet models.

Hm. Hey, what's wrong with kids anyways?

I mean, there are no Dork Juniors in your future?

Oh, please. Me? No.

I can't be tied down.

I want to be able to do what I want to do

when I want to do it.

Ha! Yeah.

Yeah, you should be getting married.

And, Jude, look in the mirror. You're not exactly spontaneous.

I'm very spontaneous.

Yeah, she's the queen of whimsy.

Yeah, I'm sure there's nothing like a wacky night

in front of the TV with you and good ol' Bob.

Corporate merger.

What do you mean? Why does she get all that?

Because I want her to beat you, Nick.

You're not leaving.

Yes, I am.

Boy, you're gonna break tradition.

I have a date.

With who?

Would you believe the girl who sold me my car?

What are you guys gonna do?

I don't know. I figure we'll make it

a Blockbuster night. What do you think, "9 1/2 Weeks" or "Showgirls"?

That's like a '90s version of, "You wanna see my etchings?"

But tell me it's not true.

When was the last time you took a girl home

and got through a whole entire tape

without her taking her clothes off and getting all over you?

I don't own a VCR.

You're pathetic, Nick.

Forfeit the condoms.

Thank you.

Good night.

- Good night. - Night.

Bye.

So what do you want out of life?

- Are you being serious? - Yeah.

I don't know. I used to think I wanted it.

You know, that other thing.

- The Diane Sawyer thing. - Yeah, right, but it's a myth, man.

She's probably miserable too.

So what do you do?

Well, you can't win and you can't quit.

No, you can quit.

It just doesn't look too good on a resume.

- Dude, you suck. - No.

Hey, you and Alex, you never, um...

you know, like, uh...

Huh?

- You guys never-- - Played charades?

I'm not following you. What?

You guys never slept together, did you?

No!

Well, you know, no.

I mean, he put the moves on me, but...

- It's Alex. Naturally. - Naturally.

No, he's not my type.

Really? So, um, what's your type?

Tall, beefy frat boys? Jocks? Everything I'm not?

Oh, please.

Yeah, that's why I'm with Bob, the nice dork.

You know, I think that there are just couples

that are meant to be together

and couples that are just stuck together, right?

My parents are like that.

I don't think they really love each other.

I'm the youngest of eight,

and they stayed together for the kids.

That's all just bullshit.

Oh.

Well, it's either gonna work or it's not, right?

Right.

Wow, eight kids.

I'm really sorry about that.

You know, that one must have been over the limit.

I'll send you a check or something, you know?

It's okay. It's my treat.

What do you say we get another round?

I think you've had plenty.

Oh, no, just getting started.

What do you say we get some air?

All right. Air is good.

Air is good.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, my purse.

Do you want to come back to my apartment?

Maybe we could watch a movie or something?

Why didn't you bring your car?

Like I could drive in this condition.

I could drive.

I need the exercise anyways.

Oh, right here on the corner of Crack and Eight-ball,

you decide that you need exercise?

Yeah.

Maybe a junkie-flunkie or a Hutu rebel will kill me.

That's pessimism for ya.

That's not pessimism.

That's wishful thinking.

Ah.

Man.

Okay, I have a question for you.

- Okay. - Okay.

What would you do if you were me?

I would dump Bob and marry me.

Come on, Nicky. I'm serious.

What's happening?

I mean, do I get married?

Am I too young to get married?

I mean, what if I get married and I miss something? Do I go to school?

Don't worry about it.

It's gonna be okay.

Nicky.

Listen. Listen to this:

"The only civilization that matters is

the civilization that a man and a woman build together."

That's nice, Nicky.

It's rather good, isn't it?

Anthony Burgess.

Walk.

I'm a wealth of useless knowledge.

♪ I'll make love to you

♪ Slow if you want me to

Don't worry, I'm gonna watch some TV.

I don't have one.

♪ When we're through

♪ I'll be good...

Okay, you crash here tonight.

What about your roommate?

What about her? Give me this.

You're drunk.

I'm perfectly sober.

Maybe you're drunk.

Maybe I am.

Hold on. Hold on.

I'll be right back.

What? Where-- where are you going?

I'm just gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

What the fuck are you doing, Alex?

Shelli...

what do you look for in a pair of jeans?

What are you talking about?

I gotta go.

Where are you going?

Look, maybe we can do this some other time.

We just... can't tonight, okay?

Yeah. Right.

What is it, Alex?

Is it me? I'm not pretty enough?

Get the fuck out.

You fucking asshole!

Come back!

How long have we known each other?

I don't know, four years?

Are you sure about this?

Yeah, I'm sure.

God, Nick, stop.

Oh, man.

Oh, I've done this before.

You know, sleeping with a really good friend.

Yeah?

Yeah, well, it just fucks things up, you know?

I mean, it just-- it's just really weird,

and you can never go back to just being friends.

I don't want to just be friends.

Look...

I've ruined really good friendships this way,

and I don't want it to happen to us.

Oh, God.

I just want to be sure.

You know, I've been trying to talk myself out of this

for a really long time, telling myself

that it couldn't work.

And then I get these bursts of optimism,

like this could be the one thing in my life

that could work.

The thing is, I'm in love with you.

Oh, Nick.

What?

I'm tired of dancing around, flirting with you.

I don't want you to go to Idaho.

- Nick-- - I want you to stay here with me.

- Stop. - I'm not gonna stop.

I'm not gonna stop.

I love you.

Doesn't that mean anything?

I'm not in love with you.

I mean, I love you, but I'm not in love with you.

You're not in love with Bob either.

Just look me in the eye.

Tell me you're in love with Bob and I'll stop.

I can't think anymore.

You don't have to.

Do you have anything?

Yeah, USDA choice and a note from my doctor.

You know what I mean.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, fuck. Alex.

Tell me you have condoms.

Uh... yes.

Um, middle drawer in the bedroom.

Jewelry box, jewelry box.

- I will be right back. - Okay.

Oh god.

- Hello? -Hi!

Hi, honey.

- Did you get it? - Get what?

Oh, yeah, the m-- Ah, no, I missed the mail guy

and I-- I think he's gonna come again on-- on Monday.

Judy, what the hell is going on?

What do you mean? Nothing.

Then why are you doing this?

Doing what? I'm not doing anything.

I can't believe you didn't sign for the ring.

I can't believe you proposed to me on the phone.

Judy, you know I couldn't get away, okay?

You always said I should figure out what I wanted

and I figured it out. I want you.

I love you, Judy.

I'm sorry I proposed on your machine,

but I had to say it. I-- I didn't want to wait.

Bob...

this is not a good time.

When is?

I-- I can't do this right now.

Just tell me this-- is it Alex or Nick?

Fuck you, Bob.

Um, about last night...

Listen, I was drunk, okay?

Don't do that.

I don't know what I'm supposed to say.

You don't have to say anything.

Jesus, it's not like I haven't thought about it.

Like last night?

Yeah, like last night.

So, I'm off the hook?

Yeah, you're off the hook.

What's up?

Come on.

What?

I thought you get off at 3:00.

Yeah, I do, but I got--

So, come on. I got something to show you.

Okay. Belinda,

taking off.

That makeup's totally you.

I don't mean to be direct, but...

I've been watching you for over half an hour and...

Well, what about my car?

Get it later. Any word on the ring?

Yeah. They're gonna try delivering it again tomorrow.

You gonna sign for it or send it back?

Alex, how do you know if you're really in love

or if you just think you're in love?

What's the difference?

This way.

Are we allowed to be in here?

It's a church.

- Can I smoke in here? - It's a church.

Jeez.

- In here? - Yes.

Where are we going?

- Just keep climbing. - Oh, shit.

You didn't go do something cheesy like--

like cater a lunch up here or something, did you?

No. That would have been a good idea, though.

Keep going. Close your eyes.

- No! - Okay, come on, close your eyes.

What if I lose my balance and fall?

I will catch you.

I was never very good at that game.

Me either.

I'd be scared if I were you.

Up, up, up. Keep going.

Okay.

Wow.

I didn't know you were religious.

I'm not really.

I was just walking by this place one day and I stuck my head in here.

I thought it was pretty cool.

I wanted to show somebody.

- Mm. - And girls I date wouldn't get it.

It's beautiful.

Alex, what am I gonna do?

I'm probably not the best person to ask about that.

Relationships aren't exactly my strong point.

All right.

I just don't know if I love him.

I don't know if I'm in love with him.

Bob.

I don't know if I'm in love with Bob.

I don't know if I've ever really been in love, you know?

I suppose I thought I was at one point.

But you get so sucked up into these relationship things,

you get like, tunnel vision, you know?

And then you lose track of what's really going on.

I thought I was in love with this girl, but it turned that she was...

seeing somebody else and lying to me about it,

so we broke up. The funny thing is,

I thought I'd be really heartbroken,

and I got drunk.

By the time my hangover was gone, I was over her.

I realized she was just this other girl

and to her I was just this guy.

You know, I made it out to be...

something in my head that it wasn't, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

God, why didn't I just sign for the ring?

And why am I not out there looking for China patterns right now?

Oh, man. I can't take it.

I think-- I think I obsess too much.

You know, I mean, I get all analytical about love,

and-- and love's an emotion and there's no logic behind emotion.

You can't just-- you-- I can't--

I think I'm just analyzing myself out of love.

Judy, Judy, come back with to us, babe. Please.

I know.

Why am I acting like this?

Ugh. Yuck.

You're scared.

Shitless.

I figure by the time we're in our mid-20s,

we're just all damaged goods.

There's just some people you can't turn in for the refund.

Oh, perfect.

Hey, Eddie.

♪ Don't miss out

♪ On the other things that you love ♪

Uh...

Let's just use this one. Nick, come on.

That's our booth.

- Yeah, so what? Give me a fanny. - Don't worry about it.

Do you ever wonder what happened to the guys from "The Breakfast Club"?

No, I mean, what do you think they're doing 10 years after high school?

Digging ditches? Working the streets?

Reality check here, Nick.

Those guys are actors in movies.

I know that. You're missing my point.

- Oh, God. - What?

My 10-year reunion is coming up.

I look old.

You don't look old.

Big deal anyways.

I figure it's all just one big show.

You know, see who made it and who didn't,

brag about your accomplishments.

The only thing I've accomplished is an artful mastery

of the subtle differences between regular and decaf.

What are you looking at?

You think it's funny? Huh?

Huh? Come on! Come on! Huh? Do ya?

Can I ask you a question?

Anything.

Are you happy?

What kind of question is that, Eddie?

I drive a BMW.

Of course I'm happy.

I don't give a shit about your car, man.

You just don't seem happy, that's all.

I mean, you date a different girl every week

and I see you in here talking smack all the time.

You don't think Nick and Judy buy

any of that bullshit, do you?

- I don't know. - You don't?

'Cause I don't, and I'm pretty much an amateur.

What are you trying to say, Eddie?

I see how you're living, my friend.

And I say the dream you're clinging to

is pretty much kicking your arse.

Just think about it.

One day you'll kick off

and have nothing to show for it but a bad credit rating.

But I'll look good.

♪ He two-timed the moments

♪ And it tethered you

Hey, baby.

♪ Made you think twice on what you love ♪

I got sacked.

Alex.

Don't ask.

What'd you do?

A lot of shit...

just piled up.

Went in this morning and found a pink slip on my desk.

Oh, man.

That's not even the best part.

There's more?

I figured I was due for some shoes,

so I went shopping...

and the Nazi behind the counter wouldn't take my gold card.

Fucker actually cut it up right there in front of my face.

I'm unemployed and totally broke.

- You can't be that much in debt. - Mm-mm.

Not on one card.

I put my car on my AMEX,

and I'm paying it off with my Visa and my Mastercard,

so if you count those, they're both, what,

about seven each?

Figure if you add in department store cards,

gas card, student loan...

probably 40 or 50 thou'.

40 or $50,000?

I can't believe you.

I'm pretty appalling, huh?

It's not funny, Alex.

They need anybody at the coffee shop, Nick?

No. What about your car?

I don't know. I figure if I move

into a smaller place and get a different job,

I can probably swing that.

How are your tips?

They suck. Move where?

- I don't know. - There's always your mom and step-dad.

Yeah. Yeah, I can just imagine Marsha and Dave's reaction

whenever I'm living at their house

up to my ass in debt and driving a $40,000 car.

How the hell did you ever get that car anyways?

I lied, Nick.

It's the American way.

It had to happen sometime.

Did it?

Mm-hmm.

Look, I know. I know.

I could never move in back with my mom.

That reminds me,

did you ever send any of those postcards?

No, I didn't have any stamps.

Please.

I never knew what to say.

"Wish you were here" just didn't seem quite right.

♪ Ooh

♪ She paces the room

♪ From the coffee machine to the bed ♪

♪ Stares out the window

♪ And her face is done in dread ♪

♪ Wading through her pool of thoughts ♪

♪ Stepping on all the things that she forgot ♪

♪ I could have done that

♪ If I'd only tried

♪ "I could have done that"

♪ She cried

♪ Ooh

♪ Idle Sarah

♪ Ooh

♪ Idle Sarah

♪ She thumbs through a book

♪ Languid and flowing

♪ Gets up and forgets where she was... ♪

♪ Oh

♪ Idle Sarah

♪ Oh

♪ Idle Sarah

♪ Ties her shoes with a shiny string ♪

♪ To walk the block and daydream ♪

♪ Maybe outside the back door ♪

♪ She finds someone to handle it... ♪

♪ I could have done that

♪ If I'd only tried

♪ I could have done that

Judy? What are you doing here?

Uh, I was passing by.

What's wrong? You're pregnant?

No, no.

Aren't-- aren't you glad to see me?

Yeah, it's just a shock.

Couldn't you pick up the phone once in a while?

I pay for the damn thing.

You don't pay for anything anymore.

Um... sorry.

I'm-- I'm engaged.

Well, sort of engaged.

Um...

I have to-- I have to sign for the ring.

I have to sign for it. - What?

And we're moving to Idaho, so...

I, uh...

I just thought that you should know.

Now wait a second. Come inside.

- No. - Let's talk.

- I can't. I'm sorry. - Okay. Okay, do you want some money?

You can go shopping.

- I can't. - Judy, come inside.

Just take those. Thanks. Okay.

Judy...

♪ Oh

♪ Idle Sarah

Fuck!

Wait!

♪ I am dying

♪ Too slow for me

♪ I am smiling

♪ As I burn in the sun

♪ It's over, alone

♪ I am living

♪ Too fast

♪ Fast for me

♪ We all die alone

♪ Oh, oh

♪ We all die alone

♪ All die alone, all die alone ♪

♪ We all die alone

♪ All die alone, all die alone ♪

Got an idea.

Why don't we play a little game of Show and Tell?

You first, Alex.

You're out of your fucking mind.

Be glad I didn't pick Career Day.

I got my first letter

from the collection agency today, Nick.

Nick!

It's over. It's finished.

What?

I was at the bookstore the other day

and I found my book.

Same premise, same story, same everything.

I even finished writing it.

Just too late.

You can't sue this guy?

- What guy? - The guy that stole your book.

He didn't steal it.

He just got there first.

There's nothing illegal about coming up

with the same premise or the same...

Fuck it. I don't care! I don't care!

Why are you acting like you don't give a shit when you know damn well--

Because I don't.

I mean, you just don't get it. You never understand me.

Oh, right.

No, no, tell me. I really wanna know.

You wanna know?

Look, 'cause it's not cool, all right?

Everybody's trying so fucking hard to be cool,

you know, and I don't fit in.

I feel like I'm like, out of the 19th century or something.

You know what I hate? I just--

I hate the fact that you can't talk

about anything that really matters without being ridiculed.

What if somebody said that their soul is dying?

People would just roll their eyes and say,

"What a fucking pretentious freak."

Like now.

What if somebody's soul really was dying?

You know, that feeling?

That feeling like everything

in the world is just sucking the life out of you?

How else do you say it?

Your soul is going dead.

But don't say that.

No, 'cause you gotta be cool.

Right, Alex?

Look at you. Spend all your time

and your money trying to look cool.

You don't have a pot to piss in.

It's like the goal is not to be touched by anything.

Not to care about anything, you know?

Try to pretend that there's nothing out there

that can really fuck you up.

It's like everybody else is trying to turn

things that matter into something to sell.

Anybody that ever thinks about writing a novel, you know,

they always think that their novel

is gonna be the next great American novel,

and they're gonna be the next great American writer.

Well...

not everybody can pull it off.

I mean, what if Warhol's right?

We all get 15 minutes of the big time, you know?

There's a fuck of a lot of people out there.

I could be 80 before my number's up.

I mean, that's a long time to work nine to five.

What do you do?

Well, could always wallow in self-pity for years,

talking about what a great writer you are,

or you could write another book.

I think I'll try wallowing in self-pity for a few years.

No one's gonna hand you anything, Nick.

Just so you know, you sound more like my mother every day.

What's wrong with you?

I mean, you're like, totally different all of a sudden.

Okay.

My turn.

Holy shit.

I signed for the ring.

Oh, oh.

So, you went for the house, the car, and the white picket fence?

Uh, I-- I wouldn't exactly go that far.

I'm just trying to deal with the whole marriage thing.

What about law school?

I don't want to go back to school.

I really don't.

I am so tired of hiding from everything.

I'm not scared anymore.

I wanna try.

It is important for me to try.

Send us a postcard.

Thank you.

Thanks for the couch.

Ah, thank you for helping me.

Hey, no problem.

So you gonna be okay?

Nope.

But I'll deal with it.

I'm not gonna stop being in love with you.

Last chance. Wanna marry me?

Kay, how 'bout a cigarette?

You don't smoke.

You haven't smoked if five months.

That's right, and I feel great.

I feel really good about not smoking now.

I feel good.

♪ You used to never think you'd ever grow old ♪

♪ And how the hell you ever made it this far ♪

♪ Is a testament of who you are ♪

♪ Who you'll be

♪ Followin' a star

I didn't think I was gonna see you.

What, like I wasn't gonna say goodbye?

I just didn't want to help Nick move that couch.

Here.

I actually put a stamp on mine.

And not that I wanna, you know, condone

your addiction to nicotine any more than my own, but...

I got you a couple of packs for the road.

Man.

♪ That light shines bright it feels like it might burn ♪

♪ How the hell you ever made it this far ♪

♪ Is a testament of who you are ♪

Now get out of here.

The only thing I hate worse than sappy goodbyes...

are credit card payments and hospitals.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

No, you won't.

I'll miss you too.

Get out of here.

♪ Followin' a star

You wanna get faced?

Yup.

You buy.

I knew that.

♪ Remember once that you had gotten down ♪

♪ Lower than the floor

♪ But you found how not to run away? ♪

♪ It was a lesson that I thought you'd never learn ♪

♪ All them folks you knew would come around ♪

♪ Have opened up their door

♪ And now they know you're here to stay ♪

♪ That light shines so bright

♪ It feels like you might burn ♪

What do ya think?

I don't know if I can get into this small town stuff,

but school was so easy, you know?

You decide what you want to do,

you make a plan, and you get your degree

and everything looks great, and then all of a sudden,

you wake up and you realize that

you're going a whole lot of nowhere,

and it's kind of like your parents said:

things don't always go according to plan.

And by the time you figure out

your mother had some really good insights,

well, you are your mother.

But what can you do? I mean--

Honey? Honey, the meatloaf is on fire!

I mean, I don't know

if this is the right thing for me,

you know, but I do know that marriage isn't for everybody

and there are no guarantees.

I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years.

But I do know that I'm gonna be there

because I wanna be there

and not because I ended up there.

It's my life, it's my choice,

and if you don't take a chance on yourself,

what's the point?

♪ Well, thanks for the sage opinions ♪

♪ Now tell me something I don't know ♪

♪ And once you're finished bitchin' ♪

♪ Go

♪ I said "Go"

♪ Go, go, go, go

♪ Don't wait for invitations

♪ I said, "Go, go, go, go" ♪

♪ Well, God gave the woman instinct ♪

♪ But how's he supposed to know ♪

♪ That you'd smudge it up like lipstick ♪

♪ Go

♪ I said, "Go"

♪ I said, "Go, go, go, go" ♪

♪ Don't wait for divine intervention ♪

♪ I said, "Go, go, go" ♪

♪ Is it the way he loves you now? ♪

♪ Go, go

♪ Is it the way he loves you now? ♪

♪ Go, go

♪ Is it the way he loves you now? ♪

♪ Well, you might leave here graciously ♪

♪ Or you could make the show ♪

♪ But either way you're history ♪

♪ Go

♪ I said, "Go"

♪ Go, go, go, go

♪ Don't wait for standing ovations ♪

♪ Go

♪ I said, "Go"

♪ I said, "Go, go, go, go, go" ♪

♪ You broke your obligations

♪ Now I, I say, "Go" ♪

♪ Go, go