Original subtitles

I know it wasn't your idea to leave the city, but this is literally my dream

come true. Look at all this traffic! Aren't you happy to get away from all that?

Oh, now I'm overjoyed.

Oh, I know.

I mean, who wants to live in an iconic city with

incredible culture, and great food, and all of our friends?

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

It's going to be great.

You too.

This is the best stuff.

Hey, Mike.

Language, buddy.

Look, I know all this moving business can be really hard, all right?

But you're going to make some really good friends.

And, you know what, little man?

I know that Santa has a super soft spot for

kids who move to a new town for Christmas.

Oh, so now he's a new baby.

That's what the haters think.

But I happen to know that he is real.

Here.

You may take the suburbs for granted because you're from there.

But take it from this, city girl.

That place robs you of your childhood.

And all the magic there's to see.

It might be hard to make friends at first, but

meeting normal people, it's going to be great for him.

It's going to be great for us, too.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I have a really

good feeling about the people we're going to meet.

Mm-hmm.

Did you just say that?

Good question.

Are we going in circles?

What?

No.

Marge, why are we on autopilot?

Honey, please.

I'm trying to wrap up something.

Just give me a second.

Marge, you know autopilot is not safe.

Oh, come on.

Honey, there's nothing we know in the goddamn room.

Language.

Noted.

Jesus, Dad.

What the hell?

Okay.

Sorry, guys.

I'm sorry about that.

Is everybody good?

You almost killed Xander.

You need to apologize.

What?

What do you mean?

This isn't the city, Mark.

We can't get off on the wrong foot with one of our

neighbors who we're going to see all around town.

Hey, pal.

Santa.

Hey, Santa.

Sorry about that.

I didn't see you coming.

Yes.

City guy.

Right?

Uh-huh.

Want to know how I knew that?

I guess.

Because you drive like a dickhead.

And you think the whole world revolves around you.

You've gone great.

Is Dad going to get beat up by Santa?

Unclear.

Unless you're planning on killing everybody

around you, you pull your head out of your ass.

Pay attention.

Okay.

Good talk, Santa.

Uh, you have a Merry Christmas.

And we're just gone.

Thank you, Santa.

You should try.

Merry Christmas.

Fuck's trick.

Barb?

Yeah?

Where are the movers?

So the movers don't get here until after Christmas.

What?

Yeah.

You knew that and you didn't tell me?

We're excited.

They wouldn't want to spoil the trip for you.

Oh.

That's nice.

No.

No.

No.

It's the life that kills me, okay?

You promised in therapy that you would work on that.

Come on.

Everybody lies.

It's part of being an adult.

Excuse me?

Tell her, son, Santa Claus is real.

What did you say?

My siblings had me believing in Santa until I was 13.

I was the laughingstock of middle school.

Do you have any idea of the name-calling, the shaming I had to endure?

I don't want that for him.

You may not want to believe in anything, but he deserves a childhood.

You got a childhood?

Your parents hate the holidays.

They never celebrate your Christmas.

Sup, neighbors?

Oh, hi.

Hi.

I'm Julie Severson.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Daryl Hill.

I'm your friendly next-door neighbor welcoming you to the neighborhood.

Mark.

Mark.

Pleasure to meet you.

So where are you guys from?

Uh, we're from, let me guess, the city.

Am I correct?

How'd you guess?

I once lived in the city myself, a long time ago.

Not that long ago, about a year and a half ago.

Beautiful penthouse apartment, car, Mercedes, gym, garage, wife, surgeon.

She was a surgeon.

It was amazing.

Wow.

Yeah.

She didn't die or anything like that.

She just divorced me, but whatever.

Yeah, we were loaded, man.

She was on.

What happened?

Only fans affair, no prenups.

Classy.

That'll do it.

It did.

It happened.

It was something that happened.

Yeah.

To me.

Anyway, I live with my mama now, in that house right there.

The garage you see, that's my room.

Oh.

Yeah.

But I turned it into a man cave.

It's got neon lights, OLED screens.

Should come over sometime.

Guys like that.

Yeah.

Smoke a little weed.

It'll be a lot of fun.

It's a lot of fun.

No?

Whatever.

Congrats on the house.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We got really lucky with it.

We did.

Got like 10% below market.

Yeah, yeah.

No shit.

Steel.

I bet.

Anyway, this is the neighborhood where they house Daryl and Debra.

That was my mama.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

Welcome to the hood.

Who lives right over there?

That's the Krendles.

Yeah, they have a very elaborate light display.

You know, when we first saw the house in October, they had it up already.

Yeah.

Do they go that big every year?

They go that big all the time.

Oh, wow.

That's my kid.

It's a pleasure.

It was a pleasure.

Yeah.

We did.

It's really nice.

Yeah.

Can I adjust the recorder?

No.

Again.

No.

No.

Better, but not perfect.

That was terrible.

That was terrible.

That was bad.

It was terrible.

That was bad.

You never know that we've practiced this.

A lot.

We practiced a lot.

For like three weeks.

For like three weeks.

But you wouldn't even know.

We were excited.

Our gift to you, our new neighbors.

To you.

Well, we are just so thrilled that someone finally moved in.

I mean.

This old eyesore, huh?

Yeah.

We thought no one would ever move into this place ever.

This vibe.

We're the Seversons.

Oh, we couldn't be happier to be your neighbors.

Yes.

I'm Julie, by the way.

This is Bobby.

Bobby.

Bobby, look up.

They would have been great on the day.

Agreed.

And of course, this is Mary.

She's glowing.

She loves to dress up with us.

She does.

Hi, Mary.

And it wouldn't be our family without...

Else.

Ah, my favorite.

It's my favorite.

It's important that your kids know where they're at.

That's not weird at all.

And we are...

The Cradles!

Mm-hmm!

You want one more time, Ellen?

What the fuck?

I died?

Who fucking killed me?

Fuck you!

Whoa!

Oh my goodness!

Whoa!

Yeah!

That was a lot.

That was a lot.

I have not heard ghetto talk like that in quite a while.

I think you mean maybe gutter talk?

No, no, no.

That's ghetto talk.

You're not going to hear a lot of ghetto talk out here.

Alright, let's not racialize it.

Wash, wash, wash, wash, wash, wash, wash, wash.

So where are you all living from?

The city.

Oh, we live in the city.

We came from Tampa.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Hey, there is no shame in seeking joy.

So true.

You know?

Yes, we should absolutely.

You have to come over for Christmas Eve.

We're doing what we do best.

Cooking up a feast, literally.

That is so kind.

But it's Christmas, and we wouldn't want to impose.

It's a lot.

Well, you just moved in.

You don't have any friends.

You're dressed really sad.

You guys seem like, honestly, clinically depressed.

Well, think about it.

Thank you.

Come on over.

Yeah.

We're going to make some beautiful moose poops.

Mm-hmm.

I'm going to stay for the joy.

I think we're going to settle in, and you know what?

We'll see you guys at Christmas Eve.

Wow.

Second number from the top.

Give us two seconds to get in there.

Yes.

Joy to the world, the Lord has come.

Let earth receive her King.

I love that you said I have one DUI.

Which is a little too much, Nog.

I'm sorry.

I think the plastic tree worked better, in our apartment.

I mean, it's just a little sad here.

Next year, we'll have time to get a real one.

You know, on a scale of one to magical, it's at least a seven.

Oh, jeez.

And it's the first Christmas in our new home.

Yep.

And you're sexy.

Nope.

Hey, little dude, you ready to go meet Santa?

Yeah!

This is a creepy tradition.

Kids line up to go sit on an adult stranger's lap.

Just stop it.

Stop doing this for Bobby.

Uh, Santa, can I ask you to take care of the goodies?

Did you say books?

What?

It's him.

Who?

Santa.

That's the guy, almost.

Dad, you suck.

Welcome to life in a small town, all right?

Be glad you apologized.

Why?

You didn't accept?

Look at the guy.

He hates me anyway.

Hello?

What?

He doesn't hate you, all right?

I mean, he's not from around here yet.

And he will be.

He does hate you, so you better hide your face.

Oh, here we go.

For Christmas, I want a hoverboard and night-vision goggles.

Hey, neighbors!

Oh, cute sweater, girl!

Oh, Christmas looks so good on you, Julie.

Oh, thank you.

It's off the rack, though.

Did you make yours?

Uh, she made it.

She designed it.

I'm done.

Mark, mark, mark.

Neg?

We'll put it inside information.

Uh, that Santa over there has a bag of bread.

He's my dad.

Oh.

Yeah.

You know what I mean.

Bobby, come on.

You've had it.

Let's go.

Good luck.

Get him in the shower later, man, okay?

We'll get him in the hose, even.

Carol!

Christmas is the one day where joy unites the whole world.

Think about it, Julie.

When was the last time you truly experienced the

joy and the wonder and the magic of Christmas?

Huh?

When?

When?

When was it?

Oh, Julie, that's sad.

You're a sad person.

You know what's even sadder?

A sadder Bobby, right?

Yeah.

He deserves a glad mom, not a sad mom.

You can be a glad mom, Julie.

Carol!

Oh, Nick, Nick, Nick.

I'm coming.

Sorry, Nick.

I'm coming.

Tears to stop.

Let's go.

My Christmas dinner.

Oh.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

What the hell is that?

Ta-da.

That is a feast fit for Christmas.

It's a little tradition we do called whole hog.

Whole hog.

And here's why.

Because we do not waste any part of this beautiful hog from the tail to the snout.

Oh, snout.

Isn't that right?

She loves the snout.

I love the snout.

She's a snout girl.

That is so responsible.

Just for you, honor the whole animal.

Thank you, Julie.

We seem so, too.

I'm sure the pig feels the same way.

What?

What?

I said it looks delicious.

It's official.

Yes!

You're coming for Christmas dinner.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

We're going to think about it.

I'm happy to say hi to some neighbors every now and then.

It's just, the Kringles are not the one.

They're not the what?

I'm just not sure they're our type.

In what way?

That they're actually nice people?

That they're not pretentious and cynical and self-centered

like us and every other asshole we knew in the city?

Kind of.

Yeah.

We moved here to work on us and you're not even trying.

Babe, come on.

You want to get me in the mood?

Lighten up.

Okay, maybe if we just tried to have a

little fun, the night might end how you want.

Is that the double squeeze?

What's the double squeeze?

Okay, I guess we're doing Christmas Kringles.

Does that feel good?

No.

Should we do something like this?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can we do something like this for Christmas?

Good one.

This is awesome.

He's pretty cool.

Was it tonight?

Of course it's tonight, it's Christmas Eve.

Get in there, the kids are doing a gingerbread house.

Merry Christmas.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Carol!

I'm so glad you didn't bring anything at all because I was going

to say don't bring anything and you didn't and that's perfect.

Carol!

Carol!

Oh!

Oh!

Well, Merry Christmas!

Hi!

How you guys doing?

Let me check your coat.

I see you're dressed festive.

Who's that?

Thank you.

What can I get you to drink?

We've got mulled wine.

We've also got our specialty, Yule tea.

I made it.

Well, I'll have whatever you're drinking.

Oh, the wine please.

I don't want it for this guy.

Coming right up.

Don't mind Mama K.

Mama K.

Loves to sit by the tree.

It suits her.

Makes her feel like she's in the city.

The lights.

Like Broadway.

Just don't take a break off.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

At least I get a mouth on the lights.

Make yourself at home.

BRB.

Wow!

I mean, it must have taken them days.

Months.

This place is real.

Christmas wonderland.

What's that?

Looks like someone's making a new friend.

Oh.

What do we have here?

Oh.

Oh.

Wow.

Look at that.

Oh.

Two cups of cheer for our newest neighbors.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Mmm.

You love it?

Mmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm.

That is delicious.

Thank you.

That is your tea.

It's a very, very old recipe served at Christmas

times going all the way back to the Middle Ages.

Wow.

You have to give me the recipe.

Fine.

We'll bump to it.

Very well, Mom.

We don't socialize that much in the neighborhood.

We sure don't.

I don't even know.

And on behalf of everyone here, a very joyful and merry Christmas Eve.

To you, Father.

Thank you.

Come on.

Merry Christmas, all.

What's your name?

Christmas.

Oh.

I'm so happy to have you here.

Tell me everything.

Once we realized that we could work from anywhere when life all went wrong, we

decided to start a family of our own.

We're going to start a family of our own.

We're going to start a family of our own.

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Well, let's wait for Easter.

I just want to know everything.

What do you do for work?

I am a shoemaker.

Ask me how many shoes I have.

How many shoes do you have?

138 pairs.

138 pairs?

Do you have a shoe problem?

Do you?

I'm a shoe-a-holic.

We like shoe-a-holics.

What's that like for you?

I love it.

Okay.

I do.

Sure.

People in fashion make me be.

I love my own look.

Yes, exactly.

I like you.

Did a girl say she's an alcoholic?

No, a shoe-a-holic.

Oh.

And what about you, Mark?

What is sort of work with you?

I trade futures, commodities, boring stuff mostly.

Oh, you should talk to Nick.

He's a huge trader.

He's a big deal.

You should talk to him.

You guys should talk.

Oh, yeah?

He blends stock market?

Stocks aren't really my thing.

Well, what do you trade?

I trade crypto.

Crypto?

Right.

That's the coins that Bobby's trying to get me to buy him on Minecraft.

That don't do anything.

I don't know a whole lot about it, but I guess we don't.

Yeah, who does?

Father.

What are the typical yields?

Anywhere between 1,000 and 2,000 percent.

We don't joke about money in this house.

How do you think these Christmas trees got bought?

I could just show you.

Hang on.

Take a look.

Feast your eyes.

Right, feast your eyes.

Speaking of the eyes, we're amazing.

Oh, my gosh.

Thank you.

I'm well done.

What do you like?

That's a good word.

Thank you for asking.

What don't I do?

Except for work.

I am a full-time stay-at-home mom to these three Christmas miracles.

Elf is our favorite.

Oh, wow.

Mama Cat, you haven't finished your bones.

You're done.

You're done.

But we made this just for you.

I am not hungry.

What about her?

How is it?

Hungry?

You're not hungry.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

I am.

Let's take a look inside.

No.

It wasn't cold.

It must have been a very good boiler.

Open it up!

Oh shit!

Did he find this?

How does he know?

He always knows.

Thank you.

That's Santa Claus.

Thank you Santa Claus.

Thank you Santa Claus.

And your sleigh now.

Careful.

That is so cool.

Nice.

Look at me.

Do you know what this is?

The last thing Bin Laden saw.

Because the SEALs used those exact ones.

They also saved Catherine Phillips.

They're wonderful heroes.

That's a real great set of night vision goggles.

Wait.

Get the car on.

Ready?

I'm going to go right.

That's such a good idea.

It's such a good idea.

Where did this kid learn how to drive?

Not far from that.

I would love to hang around, but as you know, a dad's work is never done.

And I've got kids of my own.

What would they do without us?

What?

What would they do without us?

Never done.

Takes a lot of sack this time of year.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, Nick.

I don't even know how to thank you.

You don't have to thank me.

It's about the joy.

Okay, well.

Thank you for the joy.

But I'd like to...

Well, you know, I need to pay you for this.

No, no, no, no.

It's not for everybody, but man, there is this one coin.

And like, it's going to take off.

I know it's going to take off, but right

now it just needs a little bit of momentum.

I mean, if you and I both did like 500 on it,

it could really, you know, start to snowball.

Is this a crypto thing?

Yeah, okay.

Because I'm not really familiar with it.

No, no, of course, of course.

How do I?

It's my first one.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, look at there.

No, no, no, no.

I'm going to put $500 on the reindeer meme coin.

Look at you.

Yeah.

You're going to be thanking me.

Well, I can thank you now.

Don't thank me now?

Why don't you say, huh, well, you're a champ.

Okay.

Thank you.

I'm serious.

Thank you.

Listen, I really got to hand it to you.

I had my doubts about the Kringles, but last night's dinner was unique.

Bobby seemed to really get along with Elf.

Yeah, and then they saved Christmas.

Yeah, they literally did, yeah.

We can be friends.

Oh, yes, with them?

Sure, yes, we can be friends.

What's up, neighbor?

Hey, how are you doing?

Good.

Thank you.

How was Christmas?

Good.

You?

It was amazing.

My mama got me a Nintendo Switch.

It's got the NES and the 64 all wrapped in a one.

You play?

You want to come over?

You mean like now?

She's not going to play with me.

She already said that.

She was like, I don't have time for childish games.

I was like, what?

I'd be more than happy to bust that ass.

Versus mode.

I got some things going on.

I totally get it.

I'm just alone and bored.

You're not OnlyFans again?

Don't you have a history?

We'd have learned a lesson, but it's a lie.

A big ass, a big kitty.

But I will give you a little tip.

It shows up on your bill as OnlyFans.

It says OnlyFans.

Literally, OnlyFans.

Hey, how's it going?

Only what?

Only a Merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas.

I should go.

I've said a lot.

But if you have time.

All right.

Yeah, definitely.

Merry Christmas.

Happy Holidays.

What are you doing to the Christmas lights?

I'm taking them down.

It's the day after Christmas.

Yeah, come on, Dad.

Christmas isn't over.

I take them down.

No, we both know.

It's too late.

I'm sorry.

It's not Christmas in our place.

Hi.

Hi, Julie.

Hi Carol.

Mark, so we were planning on singing carols by the

fire, and I was wondering if you'd like to join?

Yeah, let's go!

Yes!

Come on, carol with carols?

Of course, we would love that.

Yay!

Okay, I'm just going to finish up decorating here.

But it's still Christmas.

Where's the joy?

I mean, the lights are Christmas.

Why would you give that?

Hey.

Okay, who am I?

I'm a...

I'm a...

I'm a...

I'm a...

I'm a...

I'm a...

I'm a...

I'm a...

I'm a...

I'm a great carol singer.

I've done it!

I get it.

Let's go.

I'll take great care of your wife.

Alright, thank you.

I need to go say hi to Mark.

Hi, Mark.

Jesus Christ!

Relax.

What are you doing in my house?

I'm looking out for you.

You.

Are you stalking me?

Because, buddy, this is about the exit.

I didn't even have the energy.

That ain't it.

Alright.

The Kringles aren't who they seem.

Can you get your family out for us?

out of that house right now how about you get out of this house before I

call the cops hey listen to me I'm not one for dramatics guy but you and

your family are gonna die all right we're done here what did you just

hear what I said I heard you say you're not one for dramatics and

I'm death real death with violence our weapons

blood the whole sphere man it's gonna keep weird

facts with you the shit's gonna hit the fan legit you mean like actually

yes like actual chunk of shit you seen shit hit man never seen that

before it's a mess and you don't want any part of it homeboy uh-huh

you'd be born - thank you.

hey what's up babe the markets are going crazy

right now but in a good way hashtag winning what's

up nothing just watching like pass me by at a job I hate while

my husband doesn't even care anyway happy Valentine's Day

Oh happy Valentine's Day babe flowers are

on the way hi

so what do you think of the first designs of the year

it looks like sheet okay I appreciate the feedback I

just give me a little time and I will come back

to you with some different options oh my buddy

how's school I don't know that's the fifth day in a row so when you and mom do

this work or fight it's a little low kiddo it's true at

least the cradles actually like hanging out together plus

oh it's my friend oh elf is you when do you think we'll

learn else real name buddy listen the cradles use nicknames

over the holidays and for some reason even though it's mid-february they're keeping them

up along with the lights ornaments and just between you and me that's kind of weird okay

Christmas is over all right get your homework

done and then you can do whatever you want

where's

my

Oh

come on oh how'd you get on Valentine's mm-hmm you

know Julie wanted to spin it over cradles I know right

cradles crazy right so we go another round no you uh go check

on your family go check on your family make sure they got home

safe we come with the right across the street totally get that and

you should go check on guess it's a little late what the fuck a text

ain't fast enough you need to go and check on

your family right now sorry I know that's okay

I'm sorry I'm so sorry do you think we should go one more time before

you go oh

yeah can't say no you won't see

let's

go one more time

I

think we're Oh

Oh

I don't know I can't hear me over the music but I don't know I'm sure when I'm panicking

oh you have every right to panic I didn't want to tell you this because when you guys

moved in you look so happy a couple that lived here before you Cerullo's

the husband Jim Cerullo he disappeared two years ago according to Sharon

his wife he was spending more and more time

in there with the cringles he started talking

different not showing up to work and all of a sudden he disappeared

a couple months later his wife disappeared she left a note

talking about she was skipping town but I'm gonna leave that shit all right watch

this call cops yes hi my wife and son are being held at my neighbor's house

and I need you to send somebody to get him out of there the address is one two

two pine tree way it's the Kringle residence no no it's not about the lights

play this is an urgent police matter I need you to dispatch I

told you these people bad I know somebody that could help oh

what is this place it's a sanimalist lesson

less snowflakes chance like a password that we need or

something unless you got one of these it ain't happen

all right let's go hey wait damn all in bro would you go 500

who's it has to be free much I'm sorry I'm sorry holy shit you never

seen a black Santa what the hell are you looking at the

brothers I got a candy cane and a snowflake coming in Oh

is this all you have you fat sucker it cold

in the Russian twat that's him right there yeah you fucking

kidding me that's a crazy person I hope that's better getting your

family back you gotta talk to me the guy hates me that's

good you know the center girl changes heads the light hey

what the happened but I just come on too many mrs.

Claus is bouncing on your top or too much no don't know

Vlad probably a little bit of both Oh look who it is

so let me guess your family's in trouble okay

Santa is Santa yeah it's fucking Santa okay

I fucked up all right I'm an asshole all right I'm an asshole whatever you

think about me but my wife and kid are in that house I got to get him out

so please you have to help me I don't have to do anything I

will help you do you have to listen to anything you said we got

to go in that house fuck no but before we do you

know this cradles are purely master manipulators

anyone under their influence has to be

considered a threat that includes your family you

remember all of that we might just live so I follow you follow my

lead I'm saying all right let's go Darryl you got a hold of hands

you got a wife and kid I got nobody where is

this guy I'll let me went to get gas gas this

is an emergency people still think gas mark shut

the fuck up you got night vision goggles let me look at that look

look look what the door just open okay we're gonna go no

Santa said wait here you mean drunk Santa the guy that said

he'd be right on our tail and then fell off the face of the earth just don't open

up like that mark that's a trap my family's in there good luck have a good one

I wish you the best where do you think you're going I'm gonna go to my mama's house no no no no you know

the cradles were going to tips and you told us nothing so you got us into this now you're gonna help

get us out help you get out of this but when we're

done we're playing first one more time come on

Julie Bobby

guys can you hear me but

I need you to tell me where my wife and kid are oh my that's

yours you just gotta tell me where they're

at hey kid hello what I think that's the new

that's the one that doesn't talk he doesn't talk at all why

there's no one that doesn't talk there's always one of them what is

this bro okay so Santa Claus is not coming clearly it's just you and

me okay we have no idea where they are they can be anywhere we should

split up what no yes split up Bobby?

Julie?

It's me.

Julie, if you can hear me, I need you to say something.

Bobby?

Bobby?

Bobby, can you hear me?

Okay, you wanna play some games?

I don't play with sticks, it's more of a game than a game.

I'm your mother.

Bobby?

Somebody's getting cold.

You've been bad, Mr. Severson.

Bobby always told us you were a cringe.

Now we know why.

Okay, nothing bad is going to happen.

I just need to know where Bobby is.

We can't tell you that.

Well, you take those things off, they're kind of creepy.

Ah, hello, I can see you now.

That's somehow almost worse.

I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but your parents are batshit.

This obsession that they have with Christmas and the way that they've indoctrinated you with

the names and the clothes and the caroling and the year-round decorations, it's not helping.

And you, poor guy, they make you wear these awful ears.

Dad, what are you talking about?

Ah!

What?

Fuck!

Hey!

Ow!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

I finished painting your hair.

Huh?

You love it.

Wow.

What happened?

He passed out.

You really fucked up last night.

You're my best friend.

I know you're better than anybody.

You seem really stressed out lately.

Everything's okay at home?

Where are we?

Come on.

This is our inner kingdom.

It's a place that we come to think, to learn, to share.

Share with me, Julie.

Hey.

Oh, I think so.

Right.

Okay.

When we came here, things were starting to get really bad.

It's Mark.

He sucks.

It's Mark.

I just thought moving here, maybe, would help us find love again.

Sure.

Be a family.

Yeah.

Like a real family.

I know.

The way humans work.

You don't have to be family to make a family.

Oh, Julie, I'm so glad I found you.

I'm going to change your life.

Come with me, baby girl.

Isn't there too much to do?

You look amazing.

Oh, you'd be so hard on us for hours.

Thank you.

For something very beautiful.

You like the shoes.

Yeah.

So I can change our lives.

Hello, friends.

My name is Noah Tannenbaum.

And I'd like to let you in on a little secret.

You probably think of Christmas as the most wonderful time of year.

But one day, when the world stops, and we gather

around the tree with family to celebrate joy.

Joy.

I'll tell you that Christmas only comes one time a year.

And that's not a day of joy.

It's a day of holiday.

And not a day alone.

Around two years, we don't say hello.

We say Merry Christmas.

A place where people say yes to joy.

Every day of the year.

And Christmas is a day of joy.

Joy.

Joy.

What's that sound, Daryl?

Escaping much?

Very nice.

Don't be sneaky.

Don't be sneaky.

Daryl, you're so nice.

Daryl.

Daryl.

Daryl.

You're getting a call.

He's gonna get a call.

Daryl.

It is a shame.

How many people are resistant to joy?

But your axiom 12 teaches us that the fastest way to break through resistance

to joy is with pain.

And that is why we consider coal a gift of love.

Let me help you break through your resistance to joy.

Joy.

Joy.

Joy.

Joy.

Joy.

Joy.

Joy.

Joy.

Joy.

Joy.

Joy.

Joy.

Handboard, can we do something else?

Play tag.

But this is one of the best movies of all time.

Don't you ever get tired of watching the same thing?

Shhh.

Have another cookie.

Now I'll go see what my mom is up to.

Wait!

Let's just watch another five minutes.

Fine.

I see so much of myself in you, Julie.

And I know, I know that you watch over me.

Mankind has fallen into darkness.

Joy is the only way to save humanity.

But Christmas is the one true path to joy.

What?

Open fucking sesame.

I need to go find my mom now.

You can't.

We'll be out of here.

Bobby, wait!

Mom, I want to go home now.

Shh, Bobby.

Shh.

Mom?

I'm so glad I found you.

There's a crazy man with a chainsaw.

It's one of them.

It's me.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You were running?

Yeah, I was.

Mark, Mark, can you hear me?

I need to go.

Shouldn't we go find Dad and go home?

No, we can't do that.

They're waiting for us.

And we can't keep them waiting.

Who's waiting for us?

Come on.

No.

Hurry up.

Hurry.

Hurry.

Let's go.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Celebrating Christmas 365 days a year guarantees a human being

will live joyfully, but only by renouncing other belief systems

and giving one's life over to the hero lord can one learn this secret practice.

It's time to begin the night's festivities,

and that means choosing our lord of misrule.

The lord of misrule is the child king of the evening and

oversees the night's events, so it is a very important role.

Ooh!

And tonight, the lord of misrule is...

Bobby!

And...

The lord's scepter.

The lord's crown.

Boop!

Llama.

you

Maybe the only way out is on the other side of the chainsaw.

When I was born, I was kept in a cat carrier, Mark.

You know what that does to a boy?

Keep him in a cat carrier?

Thank you for this, but...

I think I need to go home now.

Joy, you are home.

Well, Joy.

Joy.

Joy.

I'll show you where to go.

You're welcome.

Up.

Up.

Up.

You ready?

How did you even get in here?

How do you think?

chimney.

We don't have time for that right now.

Focus, will ya?

All right.

All right.

You got any candle?

Nope.

Now let's go get your family.

Say hello to our newest lord of mystery.

Santa's little

helper?

And now, at level 3, on your path to terrible joy...

Jangoose!

There you go!

You won!

May he go forth?

He may.

Carol's not awake.

Members of the Santa Christmas Game Changers community...

Hi, how are ya?

I'm Mark.

I'm, uh...

Happy Valentine's Day.

Tell me about yourself.

What are you kind of into?

Do you like money?

I happen to have some extra money.

I'm trying to figure out what to do with it.

And, uh, if you have a mental account...

Here we go!

Okay, round rules.

Alright?

Do you have a particular safe word that you like to use?

Is that something that we should come up with together?

I just think it should be distinctive, like Pickleball or Wittgenstein.

Surprise!

Motherfucker!

Come on!

This is what I was waiting for!

Surprise!

Okay, Pickleball.

Pickleball.

Pickleball.

Motherfucker!

I can't be pickedleball!

Okay.

Oh, fuck!

Guys, the whole point of having a safe word is that we don't need to focus.

Hey!

Dingo!

Get out of my way!

Christmas?

Go get your family!

Oh, get out!

Okay.

Dingo!

Shit!

Ding, motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

Feast of fools.

Old Saint Nick.

Toys for reindeer and your sleigh.

Tonight we celebrate joy.

The greatest gift of man.

And we'll spread beautiful axioms everywhere we can.

And if witches should come lurking, let me teach them the way.

Of course I'll drink her until they beg and bow to us and say, I believe!

Son of a bitch!

I seek permission from the lord of this world to pick the punishment.

The penalty is consumption.

You need to decide.

Good God, good God, good God.

Merry Christmas.

Where have you been my whole life, baby?

Oh, shit.

Are they all gone?

Easy, easy.

Let's go around.

Oh, shit.

A testicle, perhaps?

Yes, a testicle.

Maybe all of it.

None of it.

Bring out the Kangal crocodile!

Bobby, there's lots of time in every boy's life where he has to say this.

Give it, give it, give it.

Find the joy.

We're going to help him find the joy.

That's all.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Kangal!

Sparkle.

Huh?

Goddamn it, father.

And we're making him a bad...

I'm sorry.

I have been selfish.

I had to check down and I let you keep coming over here.

I've got the present for you.

And I take it you've been trying to tell me that for a long time.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

it's not your fault I'm actually really proud of you really proud of you I

do think we should probably blow it out right?

yeah let's go ok hey

ding dong you ain't getting out of here unless

you got a code how do you know I'm dead?

great question I should be right?

no not Bobby mom's here hi oh my god thank god so glad you're here

oh hey I don't know if you can tell this but that's not your wife right now

alright we need to get out of here come on Bobby everybody out except you

hey guys I'll be right back well not fuck I want you to wait here alright look

at all you want man we're trapped don't touch that I gotta get way out of here

somewhere hey it's not by accident alright it's by design the only way out

of here is with a security code ok so how do we get back?

I don't know give me a sec I'm working on it oh it's baby Julie Julie was wrong Mark

Mark and Bobby Mark just throw it sometimes maybe they got it

tucked away here somewhere or hidden in plain sight no throw me

tucked away oh my

god the T no wonder what is wrong with these

people huh why are they so god damn evil

levels 1 through 3 are confined to alpha 13 level

4 and 5 are in mid level media report to level 6

centers they answer directly to me level 10 and they become eligible to live at

your house this is a new organization they got thousands of followers all across the

country the Kringles are diehards level 6 is actually oh by the way

Kringles ain't their real fucking name meet the real Nick and Carol

Gary and Patricia answer career scammers what's their game

they had fake businesses fake home repair company they had a

fake insurance company now I think they're into fake crypto

they'll be in a formation huh hey we gotta stop it you and me

I just wanna get my wife and kid and fuck out of this house okay I'm not trying to be a hero well

I don't think they have a choice in that anymore they only let people in here for two reasons one

they think they can convert them two they want them dead oh hi it's

Ebenezer Scrooge and his little friend the Grinch well I guess that makes you

Jim fucking Jones don't act like you know about me and my religion old man we

are saving people from darkness give me a break

your time's up Gary did that bother you Gary

Gary I can't hear you Gary you gotta speak up

what's that Gary's not here right now let me

tell you something Gary the shit ends right now okay so why don't you find that Christian

spirit in here and just do us all a favor give us the code to the door and then maybe

kill yourself how about this lord of this world Bobby you

were having some non-believers and you can still choose don't

listen to him Bobby yeah fuck that shit Bobby we invited you in with

open arms and you have given us back nothing but hate because you are

a spiteful little man that is why your new bio motherfucker keep

my wife's name out of your mouth it's the truth Mark we have been

so welcoming to you I was such a nice hostess it's the truth it's a drug

that you loaded her up on you crazy bitch I'm not a bitch I'm mysterious

it's gonna end one of two ways way one you convert and you submit to

our will number two you die oh please let me say it you were about to

say that fuck I'm sorry Gary you say it I don't want to say it now no you say it

because you ruined it do it then that's that or you die okay I'm gonna count down from

one that was funny that's how mad you made me I'm counting

down from one that's crazy we fight the boy rocks zero

Mississippi you don't want to see it so negative zero yes

you're a liar I didn't have a choice come with me and

I'll tell you everything how can I trust you you don't

exist you don't

exist help us

they do this to us all the time say something let's go

you just ruined everything what

for else no I like the camera your

haircut you betrayed me hey man

wake up dummy or you're gonna die from hypothermia I saw you you're dead

hey you can't kill the Christmas spirit that's the figment of my

imagination I'm delirious I wouldn't be so sure of that no

it's not how do you possibly know that because

I'm fucking Santa Claus I know everything ho

ho ho I know you're a nihilist that doesn't

believe in magic or other worldly shit and don't

tell a secret about us bald Santas we share

a bond a sacred energy talk about BSE big

Santa energy and it goes back to the very beginning to the reindeer

herders turned shaman we discovered a very special kind of magic

passed down throughout the ages check this out that's right

the secret to Santa I need them all Santa we're the last keepers of the

traditions and we do our damndest to keep the spirit of Christmas alive people

have been trying to ruin Christmas throughout the ages canceling it

commercializing it turn it into a religion that it isn't you name it

but at the end of the day Christmas is right there it's in your heart man if

you can feel it well you can't fuck up Christmas that bad a

lot of fakers out there a lot of fraudsters

a lot of haters you can't let them win hey

you can't let them win you heard me good talk

hey slick

you gotta wake up now wake up you gotta get up

man do it for your family Mark fuck the creeper

WAKE UP do

it say it in the fucking code Bobby

it's time Mark it's time to stop resisting and say

yes to joy oh my god are you silly we can be one big

happy family okay honey I need you to look me in the eye and

listen to what I'm saying there's a full on drug lab up there and T

is laced with some serious psychoactives choose joy or there's only one

other way that this can end mom please I don't want to be here anymore I've

never seen you happier than you've been I was fucking brainwashed this is not

mommy talking right now this is the drugs I know those were off long ago this

is who I am now I want this what you heard me I'm not leaving I'm with them now

yes now put down the knife or your son gets it in a jugular I'll do it okay

okay don't hurt her don't hurt her give him

another chance yes I know he will join us

please come I believe in you strengthen him find joy

Okay, well, here's to joy.

This is the cost of that closet, hurry!

Ben!

Julie!

Wait for me.

Wait.

Wait.

I knew you were in Ben's...

Joy to the world, you crazy ass bitch!

What the hell?

Yeah?

Then you'll wash it down with the milk of your motherfucking cookie.

This is for me.

Die!

People have been trying to ruin Christmas forever.

Trying to cancel it or commercialize it or turn it into a religion that it's not.

I mean, you name it.

But at the end of the day, Christmas is about what's going on right there.

In your heart.

That's where the magic lives.

If you can feel it in there, well, you can't fuck up Christmas that bad.

Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad.

Fredo!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

There's a lot of fakers out there, a lot of fraudsters, and a lot of haters.

But you can't let them win.

You hear me?

You can't let them win!

Dad?

Yeah, buddy?

Could we take down the decorations or...

No.

I think we're good.

We are good.

Aren't we?

We sure are.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Should I have to double-squeeze?

Then you double-squeeze.

Merry Christmas, kids.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all.

Ho, ho, ho!

Holy shit!

How are you...

Back from the dead?

Well, I told you I was magical.

Okay, really, though, how?

Well, if I told you that, it would kind of ruin the mystery.

We didn't see you at the mall.

Did you retire?

Retire?

Never.

No, I got a better-paying gig at a really fancy mall just a town over.

Probably should have told you about it, but...

Well, you know me, I'm not much of a people person.

Yeah.

Listen, I never got to thank you for what you did for my family.

And for me.

Okay.

I guess it's not all about you anymore, is it?

Well, I got four kids now, so...

No.

No.

Anymore.

Well, that's all the thanks I need.

Look, I gotta meet the boys at the lodge for a happy hour, but...

You stay merry, huh?

And...

Don't let the haters get you down.

Yeah, you too.

All right.

Merry Christmas.

That's the spirit.

Tell Daryl I said what up!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Watch out!

Hey, watch it!

Joy.

Joy.

Welcome.

To Joy.

Hey, welcome to Big Wangs.

I'm Blue Barreled.

Yeah, I don't know all the words.

I love, love, love...

Michael Jackson.

Jury.

Jury's still out on a lot of that stuff.

You grab a handful of shit, you throw it at a fan while it's on.

It's almost like freaking Here Come Devo.

Hi, welcome to the wrap party.

It's at Big Wangs on Coingo.

Head goes up.

Plate stays on the table.

Like a boy from Earth.

Put the plate on the table like a human from Earth.

Put the plate on the table like a human from Earth.

That says human from Earth.

I'm very sorry about the flies.

By the way.

Jingle bells, motherfucker.

Don't thank me.

Funny bone.

Oh, Carol got noggins, fine.