Original subtitles

anything spi

for the next week or so. Okay?cy

Oof.

Stephen Harper.

What brings you in here?

Rose sent me.

She said I look a little tired.

- A little? - Huh.

Is this normal?

If you're an elk in the spring.

Ah!

Okay.

If I had to take a guess,

I would say you were under

a devastating amount of stress.

Have you had any changes to your life

in the last couple of years?

Fuck you, Stephen Harper!

You're under my roof now.

I switched the laundry detergent.

No, it has to be something big.

Like war or financial ruin.

Hurry up, Stephen Harper!

Make my lunch and scratch my back!

Or is there a specific person you can think of?

Stephen Harper!

My baby isn't gonna change itself!

Paul!

♪ I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long... ♪

...and while PJ the DJ's world tour rolls on,

so too does the controversy.

A report out of Berlin suggests PJ pooped his pants onstage

before having a meltdown at the mall.

Has fame gotten to the Grouse Lake golden boy

or is he acting perfectly normal for a toddler?

We'll find out later as he'll be home next month

performing at the last stop on the Meezy Ain't Easy Tour.

- What's... what's going on? - Get up, Stephen Harper.

We're going to Yeah Man's.

They're having a flash sale on potatoes.

And I want to make potato chips.

- But the nurse said-- - Ho-ly!

Just marry him if you love him so much.

- I don't want to marry him. - Well, get up then!

You know how I get when I start to dream about an idea.

Can't you just go by yourself?

No. 'Cause in my dream,

you carried the potatoes all the way home.

And if I don't follow my dream step by step,

then it's not gonna come true. Everyone knows this, man!

I'm sorry, Paul, but I'm not gonna get up

and do something a bag could do.

A bag?

Would you suffocate your hottie patooties?

Now get up!

And stop looking so goddamn sickly.

You're really starting to embarrass yourself

in front of me, man. Come on! - Okay.

So you said that there's a fair amount

of itching on the anus? - I said "unfair".

I've tried rubbing, scratching, clawing.

Can't get no relief. Am I dying?

I can assure you you're not dying.

But has there been any changes to your diet as of late?

Oh, I know this game.

If I tell you what I've been eating,

you'll make me stop? - That might help the problem.

But I love the dance!

I just don't like to face the music.

Come on, Willy. Work with me here.

Come on, work with me! Just give me some...

cream or some pills or something.

Look, I can't totally help you if you can't help me.

Can't a man's ass hurt without having to answer

all these questions? - Come on, Willy, just...

What have you been eating?

Just... give me a clue.

Ah, fine.

I'll just go sit on a bag of frozen peas.

And if you ever come to me with an itchy arse,

I might just look the other way.

Willy, you dropped your...

Three times super spicy instant ramen?!

Are you watching this again?

You're ruining our favourite nosy white lady show.

She's about to get the murderer.

Ugh, and the acting!

You know who should be murdered is the agent.

Quiet!

It's almost at the end.

Yeah. An old white lady that's an author

that also solves murders?

Should be Boring She Wrote. - Aw, this is the best part.

Ever sick, the best part is when it's at the end.

Besides, it's the daughter that does it anyway.

Ho-ly, Gramps,

do you have to ruin everything?

You're a no-good complainer.

I just speak my mind.

Don't you ever have anything good to say?

Hey, griping just for the sake of griping.

Oh, this is the first time I'm hearing of this.

How come I'm always the last to know?

Oh, I bet you can't even stop if you tried.

I can so!

- Then prove it. - No complaining.

For one whole day.

One whole day?!

Is that it?

That's not even a challenge.

You're already complaining.

We'll give you one last complaint before it starts.

Deal. Okay.

Uh... Wait, wait.

I got a complaint, but it... I lost it.

Aw, damn complaint! - That counts.

Do you have any idea what you're holding?

Oh yeah. Spicy noodles so hot they should be illegal.

I should have come in sooner.

But I've been up to my eyeballs in itchy...

This is the crack in the case

I've been looking for. Pun intended.

I fear that we're in the middle--

Outbreak. That's what I was thinking.

Um... yeah.

That's... Yeah, me too.

Good. We agree.

I've been working on a case of itchy arse myself for months.

Everyone I know seems to be scratching and burning.

And based on all this secrecy,

I was convinced it was alien probing.

Look.

I recreated my theory using this model.

We need to follow this lead and ask some questions.

Should we run this by Chief and Council?

We don't have time for that.

People's buttholes are on the line.

Where did you get this? - It fell out of Willy's pocket.

- Then we're off to the dump. - Pun intended.

Not this time.

Remember, only ten potatoes per customer.

Yeah, man, I'm getting ten potatoes

and then Stephen Harper's getting ten potatoes.

Okay, man, well, you better send

video evidence of him eating 'em.

Yeah, man, I'll send video evidence.

Just get back to work, man.

Could I maybe get a bag for all of these?

Nah, man. My little potaters

from the Creator need room to breathe.

Would you suffocate your little dirt dumplings?

Oh!

What was that?

Stephen Harper, come here for a second.

Are you okay?

I don't feel right.

Oh my God!

Everybody, did you hear that?

Stephen Harper just farted all nasty and gross.

Oh my God!

Mommy, I'm scared.

Get him out of here, man. It's bad for business.

Yeah, Stephen Harper, you're scaring everybody

with your stinky stomach. God, you're gross!

Do I need to take you back to the nursing station

to go see the nurse

because of how disgusting you are? God!

Does anybody want anything else to eat

before I clean the kitchen? - Shut up, Stephen Harper!

Play with him better, Stephen Harper.

Shut the fuck up, Stephen Harper,

I hate you so much.

Why do I even bother

bringing you anywhere?

Look at you! You stink!

You stink so much your eye's twitching.

What have I done?

Looks like the June bug just took on the big dog.

I like that.

I like that real good.

All right. Stay close.

Doesn't that work better at night?

We know you're here, Willy.

We just want to ask you some questions.

He was just here.

You can smell that little Willy.

Oh no.

Ah.

I'm taking this off the streets.

Nice thinking.

You get the idea.

There he is.

We see you, Willy. - I'll eat the whole thing.

I don't care anymore. - Don't do it, man.

Come on, think about your butt, Willy.

It didn't ask for any of this.

We just want to know where you got the noodles from.

Yeah, and then what? You'll take them away.

You don't have the jurisdiction.

Stay back.

Put the bowl down, Willy. Just grab some ointment.

Then tell us where they came from.

I... I...

I'm not saying nothing!

Come on!

What are you waiting for? Let's get him.

He's small-time.

If we're gonna bring this down,

we gotta cut it off at the source.

Yeah, they're probably smuggling it all at the airport.

- Now you're getting it, Doc. - Okay, so then what?

We're setting up a check stop.

It's time to nip this thing in the butt.

Genius.

Where you headed, June bug?

Nowhere.

You look like a wounded animal

looking for a quiet place to die.

Feels about right.

I saw what you did back there.

And I liked it.

I liked it a lot. - You did?

Didn't know you had that kind of thing in you.

That wasn't me back there.

Well, whoever that was really knew how to rev my engine.

Here. Hop on.

You'll be safe with me.

All right. When the plane lands,

we'll funnel people through here and go through their things.

And you're sure we can do this?

We can do anything we put our minds to.

Yeah, I know, but, like... from a legal standpoint.

Logan, I am the law.

And we stop at nothing.

This is about the safety of every butthole in Grouse Lake.

Buttholes past, buttholes present, buttholes future.

When all is said and done,

Operation Sting Ring will go down in history.

Hey.

Do you every ask yourself, like, what's this all for?

Never. You can't. You'll grow weak.

I know, it's just that...

You know, all we ever want to do is help the people,

but yet the people never want our help.

You really want to know why I do this?

I'll tell you.

I had an old partner once.

Shamus O'Donoghue.

Lost him to an itchy butthole. - I'm so sorry.

Shamus lied and told me it was chafing,

but he became corrupt after joining

an underground hot sauce ring.

I lost him to the sauce.

The hot sauce. - That's too bad, man.

I vowed then to never let any butthole,

no matter how itchy, ruin this community.

What about you? You ever ask why you do this?

It was the dead of winter in Winnipeg.

My first year as a nurse.

And I had a patient with a hemorrhoid.

I was young and thoughtless.

I... I told him,

"Just go walk it off,"

so I could party with my friends.

- But you were just a kid! - He died two weeks later, Lips.

His hemorrhoid exploded while out walking his dog.

That's why I am the way I am.

Ready up, partner. Here they come.

Operation Sting Ring is in full effect.

I give him an hour before he breaks.

Tops.

You call this coffee?

You should call it... delightful.

You should brew a big pot of it.

Delightful. Ha!

Does this song have to be so damn... uh, catchy?

It sounds like a rabbit in a snare, screeching.

- That's a complaint. - No, in a good way.

That's the sound of a family being fed.

Ain't no complaint.

Is it too hot in here?

Um...

Uh...

No, it's fine. It's good.

Ah, just let me fix it.

One click.

Two clicks.

Should I?

Nobody's complaining.

- Three clicks. Okay? - You know what?

I miss my wool sweater.

I really miss my bulky, scratchy sweater.

Uh, I'm gonna go and... spend time with it. Yeah.

You can hide out here till the heat dies down.

Ah, I think I should go apologize.

I can't stand the guilt.

Apologize? For what?

You stood up for yourself. - But at what cost?

Your manhood.

Really? I don't know.

Look, cellie, you just broke free.

You can't be a prisoner of your own heart.

He's the father to my child!

I don't care what he is!

You gotta be your own man.

Slap him again.

- I can't do that. - Hey.

If you want to keep being that guy's prison wife,

suit yourself.

But that's not who you are to me, big dog.

Me?

A big dog?

Woof woof.

Now sit.

I guess I could stay.

Good boy.

Middle-aged Indigenous male

picking a wedgie out of his back meat pocket?

Let's get to work.

Jackpot.

- Nice work, Officer Nurse. - We got him.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

I gave him everything!

A family. I gave him a home.

I gave him responsibilities, yeah, in the form of chores.

And then he has the nerve to slap me?

Yeah, what is it?

What?

You saw Stephen Harper?

On the back of a motorcycle?

On his way to Keemootch Point? Huh!

Say less.

I think we broke him.

Nah, he's just resting.

Gramps!

I'm fine.

Shit.

We did break him.

Without his complaining, he's nothing.

Nothing but a bag of bones.

Should we do something?

Yeah. We'll figure it out.

After we watch an old crime lady marathon.

Good idea.

I'll go put on a pot of delightful.

This bust is not only a win for the law,

but for public health.

Operation Sting Ring will be a reminder

that if you tangle with your butt,

you tangle with the law.

A quick picture?

- Let's take that over here. - Yeah.

Lips! Logan!

The fuck am I hearing about you two

using band resources for a noodle bust?

Rose, I knew you'd be upset.

- What? You did? - Look!

There's gotta be at least $150 worth of contraband here.

Contraband?

You caused a shitstorm for some ramen noodles?

Sometimes, you gotta break some eggs--

Shut up, Lips.

- Rose-- - And you.

Why are you wasting time

on something you can just walk off?

Well, actually, my first year as a nurse--

Shut up, Logan.

You two think you had a butthole problem before?

Hmm?

Now you've got me up your asses.

We fit together like a... prison shiv

and the carved out pages of a bible.

This is crazy.

I should go check on Paul.

Shut up about Paul, would you?

Okay. Sorry.

Whatever you say.

Right now, you're like that...

...from Shawshank, crawling through the shit.

But you gotta keep going until you escape,

or else you'll be stuck in that shit forever.

Okay. I can keep going.

Just like you said.

Get up now, Stephen Harper!

It's time to come home. - Now's your chance.

Slap him again, Stephen Harper. You're almost free.

Hey, he's my cuck! Get your own cuck!

Tell him you want a life of your own.

It's the end of the tunnel! - Stop filling his little mind

with your Stony Mountain lies!

Get him, big dog! No more shit!

I'm sorry, Hilda.

I guess I am just a little dog after all.

Come on, little dog.

Let's go home.

You've got potatoes to cut.

I thought you had it in you, cellie.

But hope... is a delicate thing.

but not this mad.,

Three times mad. I can't do this.

This... this betrays everything that I stand for.

Forget standing, how am I supposed to sit?

I'm sorry, little butthole.

You be strong, okay?

My little butthole's about to do some hard time.

I know.

Starting to feel the heat.

It's nothing a little topical ointment can't fix, huh?

And when you're done eating that,

you're gonna go door to door and apologize to everyone.

Chief and Council does not belong

in the buttholes of the nation.

You're right, Rose.

You're goddamn right.

Just because Deedee went slack doesn't mean I did.

Lips, hold my hand.

We can get through this together.

Thinner, Stephen Harper!

In the dream, you were cutting the potato slices thinner!

I'm sorry, Paul.

What the...

Nobody puts cuck in the corner.

Don't make me get my shotgun!

I actually don't have a shotgun.

I didn't come to save you, Stephen Harper.

I came to watch you free yourself.

Sorry, Paul. No!

Not sorry, Paul.

You've pushed me around long enough.

I'm sick and tired of you!

Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?

Do it now or forever wish you had!

Get yourself a new prison wife.

After everything I've done for you!

I let you flip my gitch!

Flip my gitch!

Before I forget, do you have that other helmet?

Shut the fuck up, Stephen Harper.

Stephen Harper!

Gramps?

Oh! I'm just sitting on this perfectly even chair.

We just wanted to let you know that we miss the old you.

But you told me that I was a good-for-nothing complainer.

Ah, that was before you became a sad arse.

We just realized that's your way

of connecting to other people.

What?

Hey, go ahead and complain.

Misery loves company,

you beautiful miserable bastard.

Stand back! I'm gonna unleash.

You ever notice that you can't taste the tin in Klik anymore?

That was the best part.

Oh, and I saw this white man eating a sturgeon

and you know what happened to him?

He didn't even go to jail!

Those are Indian fish!

We're gonna miss you, Stephen Harper.

Nice going, Paul.

I'm just happy that you're staring your own journey.

Also, nice going, Paul.

Okay. I fucked up.

Nice going, Paul.

I won't be far.

Thanks for that, by the way.

Hey.

Go fuck yourself, Stephen Harper.

I love you too, Paul.

Hey.

If this attachment's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.

Don't look.

Hey, shh.

difuze