Original subtitles

And we're live in studio with Grouse Lake's latest sensation.

PJ the DJ.

So, your new album is out and you're heading off

to a world tour.

Most babies would be cranky.

How are you able to handle all this attention?

Tell me: What was your inspiration

for your first album?

...ain't easy.

Critics describe the album as crude and explicit.

Is there anything you want to say back?

Sorry to interrupt, PJ had time for three questions,

you just asked all three.

But he didn't say anything!

Play the song.

Okay.

Fine.

♪ Doodoo dadda ♪

♪ Doodoo dadda ♪

This is nice.

♪ Drop the fucking beat ♪

Oh, my.

♪ I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

There she is.

Ma, I know you miss Chickadee because she's in Europe,

and you're hurting for PJ while he's on tour,

but meeting some random grandkid on the Kook'r app?

Is that the safe thing to do?

She's not some rando!

We've been talking for months!

Paul, when it comes to matching lonely...

...with eligible grandkids,

Kook'r app's enhanced security features

are top notch.

Shut the fuck up, Steven Harper, man,

I wish you had a "Skip Ad" button!

Paul, you have nothing to worry about, son.

That's what you said about your other matches.

Remember Lynette?

Well, it's not my fault she wasn't real.

Here she comes!

There you are!

Aww!

Okay, two Mississippis!

Hey! I'm Paul! I'm Agnes's sun, moon and stars.

Of course I know you,

your mom talks about you all the time!

Yeah, you're damn right she has!

Hi, I'm Stephen Harper.

Oh, right! Let me see if I can get this right.

Eff you, Stephen Harper, go get my bags.

It actually works better if you swear at him,

just saying.

Okay, let's have a photo with the old family camera!

You could've just used your phone, but okay!

Use the good camera for her.

Okay!

Now hold for 30 minutes!

Starting to cramp!

What do you want, Hilda?

So, uh...

Deedee actually went on her slack year, huh?

Saw her taking a nap down at the post office.

Man, I always wanted to do that!

Please don't romanticize this.

Just sayin'!

When Chief goes slack, things slip through the cracks!

What cracks? I'm watching things!

Nah, I already said too much.

Did you heard about the Whites?

Of course I heard about the whites.

I watch the news.

No, Don and Dawn White.

A white elderly couple.

Kayaked into Grouse Lake a few days ago.

Still here.

They probably just want to rescue some dogs

or write a book, you know how the whites are.

They brought lawn chairs, Rose!

Lawn chairs!

That means they're staying on our land!

Again?

I don't know what to tell ya.

But we have laws!

And... And if we don't follow those laws,

then... then what was the point of the treaties?

The treaties, Hilda!

The treaties!

Sorry, bro.

Told you it's 400 Yeah Man Bucks for that.

You said the barbecue was 200 Yeah Man Bucks!

I told you it was 400!

No, you never! Yes, I ever!

I'm sure we can work this out in a way that is fair

and equal to everyone.

Not now, Leon.

We don't have a barbecue.

Leon, come on.

His new Yeah Man Bucks are a scam!

Sorry, Willy.

I don't get how the Yeah Man Bucks work either.

So you're going to do me dirty, eh?

Then I... am gonna curse your store.

By the spirits of old bologna,

and lottery tickets that lose,

I curse this store and all of its screws!

From chips to dip, to moose jerky sticks,

the store will tremble without any fix!

You believe that guy?

Hmph.

I can sense it.

The curse!

It's coming!

Like, today?

Look at you with those plants!

You really are good at gardening!

Yeah, my...

...taught me. Before she was killed in action.

She died fighting for our freedoms in the Iraqi War.

The Iraqi War, you don't say.

She knew the risks, but she really wanted

to catch Osama bin Laden.

I don't know, man.

Look, I have her Victoria Cross.

- Wow! - I keep it with me

so I never forget her.

I'm gonna get you some bannock and tea!

Is there anything else you want her to get in there?

Like, I don't know, a SIN number?

Why would I want that?

Nothing!

So, Natives in the Iraqi War, you don't hear too much

of that kinda stuff.

I'm sorry, I can't tell if you're joking.

Hmph! You don't believe me?

It's just that a Native Iraqi War hero,

you'd think there'd be a mural or something.

You think I'm trying to scam your mom?

Paultholomew!

Lies!

It's okay, Agnes.

Maybe this isn't going to work out.

I-I should go.

No, Irma!

Paul, smarten up!

Mom, all I did was try-- Stop!

You want some bannock?

Go get it!

Ma!

I think there's dogshit all over it!

Okay, everyone, break it up, let's go.

Turn in your white people.

Rose, Lips! Come meet the Whites!

Hello!

Rose, what a beautiful name!

Reminds me of our travels out west!

Yes, out in the Okanagan Valley.

We would spend days picking roses

with the women of the Silk nation.

And this one with the beautiful long hair.

Well, you look tired!

Come, come sit, you two!

Have some homemade granola!

We know the Indigenous people struggle with yeast,

so we thought granola would be best.

Look, I'm sure you're very lovely people,

but we have laws here.

Okay, that's actually pretty good.

They helped cleanse my aura.

Don unclogged the lagoon!

That thing's been plugged for years!

Rose, what's the harm here?

They're just a couple of retired folks

looking to meet new people.

Yeah.

Wait.

Don't you guys remember what happened the last time

the whites came?

But these whites are different!

You know how hard it is to find good...

Rules are rules.

Right, Lips?

Do you know how to braid?

Uh-huh. Rose.

Can't we at least discuss this as a community?

That's what Chief Deedee would do!

And you're not Chief.

Fine!

We'll discuss this later.

Like a community.

Lips!

Now!

You shouldn't be doing this.

I just want to make sure she's legit, you know?

Wait a minute.

Irma Greene.

Psh, well, that checks out.

Oh! She's coming!

Excuse me!

Stephen Harper made me do it!

It's true. I made him do it.

Ugh, that's it! What's going on now?

I can't do this!

What--

Agnes, I'm sorry.

But these matchmaking apps never work.

You ruined everything, Paul!

Ma!

Don't cry!

Ma! I'm so sorry!

Irma, wait, you dropped your...

...Victoria Cross?

I never told you this before but an old snag of mine

cursed me once.

Two weeks later,

she caught me cheating on her.

Man, curses only work on the weak, bro.

Then why's my stomach feel off?

Because you ate store burritos.

I always eat two store burritos.

Yeah, but they probably went bad.

You'll be fine.

You got all your shots?

See that?

Give Willy his barbecue and end this madness.

Man, it's just the hydro thing.

They been up here for weeks!

Holy fuck, bro! We're cursed!

Stay close.

Not that close.

Iraqi...

Canadian...

...war hero.

Okay.

Hm.

...scammer...

Huh.

Bookmarked.

Oh no!

Paul was right!

s.

You were, too.

I'm sorry for thinking that you were a scammer.

It really hurt my feelings.

And I'm sorry I didn't believe that your...

...died in the Iraqi War! Heh.

It turns out anybody could have fought in that war.

Here. Hm.

Your lucky bologna tube.

For me?

I just needed to know that my mom was safe.

So...

Do you think you'll stay?

I guess I can give it one chance.

Yes!

But just one.

Y'know, I think Paul and I just need to spend

some more time together.

Yes!

What were you thinking?

I'd love to see the cliffs way out

in Head Bashed In Moose Jump.

Mm. Isn't that, like,

really, really far?

Really far.

For a moose graveyard?

I mean...

...of course.

I would love to go.

Okay, let's take a picture.

Stephen Harper! Where are you?

Hurry the fuck up, Stephen Harper!

Yeah, where is that boy?

Okay, I'll take it.

A picture of my baby boy and my new granddaughter.

Okay, this side of the chart says pros

and this side says--

Cons! I'll start!

My cousin Danny.

No, not cons as in convicts.

Pros and cons.

We're gonna track all the good and bad things

white people have brought to our nation,

and then see if they can stay.

Oh, I like Madonna.

Okay, I'll give you that one.

But we need more meaningful examples, like...

they stole our land.

I like spaghetti.

What do I win?

Nothing. You don't win anything.

I like spaghetti.

Okay, here's another thing white people brought us:

capitalism.

The remote control.

That had to have been white.

Batman. The head nod.

The "like" button.

Pick-up trucks!

Okay, now you're just saying things.

Alright.

I tried the community thing,

but the whites have to go.

I love these white people.

Some of them make me forget what the others did almost.

Slippin' through the cracks, Rose.

These whites got your heads all screwed up.

I'm making an executive decision.

They're gone by the end of the day, got it?

Uh...

We're closed!

It's Ducky!

Oh, my God.

Is it just me or is it cursed in here?

Word of the curse has travelled.

It's your lucky day, boys.

You two are looking at a bonafide, certified,

weary-eyed curse lifter.

Really?

Wow!

I've been lifting curses since you two

were sucking on your mama's doodoos.

And as luck has it,

I have a sale going on right now

that's supposed to be lasting for the next... let's see...

two minutes.

Wait right here.

It's a miracle that she's here with two minutes

to spare!

It's gotta be a sign!

One minute left, fellas!

And remember, you only get one shot with Ducky McKay.

Okay, let's do it!

Yeah, man.

Great. Now, since I'm feeling helpful,

why don't you guys give me some Yeah Man Bucks?

500 to be exact.

Okay. Hang on!

30 seconds.

Okay.

500.

There you go.

Great.

Step back, please.

More.

I lift this curse that is uncontrollably grown

and I ask it to please,

please leave these poor small...

...alone!

What's once crumbled,

let it now soar!

Bring forth luck and good fortune...

upon this dump of a store.

Be gone!

Okay, the curse is lifted.

But the lights are still off.

Did you two losers remember to pay your hydro bill?

Yeah. I'm not a fuckin' genie.

So.

One of my ducks told me the Whites never left.

What?

I'd tell you where they were hiding, but...

I don't remember for the life of me.

No, really. I don't remember.

Okay.

You know what?

The community's gonna hide away a couple of whites,

I'm just gonna have to lure them out

with something they can't resist.

A real farmer's market.

Is that a brain?

We got everything here that white people like.

Incense, feather earrings,

expensive buttons with funny pictures,

artisan birthday cards,

homemade soap and kombucha.

It moved!

We got customers.

Okay, the whites are in there somewhere, I can feel it.

All the way down to their Crocs.

This view is crazy!

Yeah, man.

Crazy view.

Man!

I still can't believe I thought you were a scammer!

I'm just glad we can bury the hatchet.

That's funny!

Because you said...

hatchet...

and you're holding one...

right now.

Isn't it funny?

I fucking knew it!

You know, most...

...are easy to steal from.

I earn their trust over time then I swoop in,

I steal their money.

But no, not Agnes.

She got a big spoiled baby stuck to her side

like dogshit on bannock.

But why though?

Why scam such innocent, wonderful...

It all started back when I was a little girl.

My...

...was a travelling escape artist.

Always on the road trying to earn a living,

problem was, she was raising me.

Is this gonna be a long story, or...

She did all the escapes.

Handcuffs, straitjackets, underwater cages.

Man, look at this view.

Do I actually like hiking?

The only way I could ever spend any time with her

was if I went to one of her shows.

Nah, fuck that shit. I hate hiking.

Then one day, during a show,

she escaped so amazingly, that she never returned.

Oh. Heh. I'm sorry.

I lost you at: "When I was a little girl."

That's why I steal from...

For revenge.

She broke my heart.

And now I break all of theirs.

Oh! Irma is a...

...scammer.

They're all dressed the same.

Trying to outsmart us.

I think that's them.

Nice try, whites!

Grahams?

Aw, way to go, Rose!

Strip me of my Native pride!

Sorry. I thought you were white!

How'd you even get free?

You know what, that doesn't matter.

What does matter, is that I know your...

...never went to Iraq.

Why though?

Why scam all these sweet, innocent...

Don't do it, man?

It's a long ass story!

I'm glad you asked.

See, it' all started

back when I was a little girl.

You know, I think Paul and I

just need some more time together.

I'd love to see the cliffs

way out in Head Bashed In Moose Jump.

It's okay, Agnes.

Maybe this isn't gonna work out.

My boy!

: She brok.

Now I will break all of theirs.

Oh, my God, just fucking kill me!

Irma?

Don't.

Agnes, don't try and stop me.

Just tell me--

No, Ma, don't do it.

It's a really long story.

Why did you have to scam all those sweet,

old, innocent...

I'm glad you asked.

It all started back when I was just a little girl.

Okay. Well, we don't have time for all of that, Irma.

The authorities are on their way.

I can't go to prison.

It's time for a disappearing act of my own.

Irma, no!

Abracadabra!

Found some bones.

Oh, wait, that one's mine.

Spoiled burritos? Unpaid hydro bills?

Turns out we were the curse the entire time.

What do you want, bro?

Ran into some Yeah Man Bucks.

Came to buy that barbecue.

I told you, man, it's 400.

You don't have enough.

As luck would have it,

I do now.

Where you going?

To go find you a barbecue, bro.

Heh.

Nice work. I owe you a hundred bucks.

It was like scamming a baby.

Two big babies.

See?

The whites have turned us against each other.

It's the fur trade all over again.

Our land is sacred and given to us by the Creator.

And a little bit by the king, but it's ours to protect.

We can't just give it away to anyone who shows up

with a smile and whatever that really good cereal

is called.

Granona?

Yeah, so I say we do the right thing and send the whites home.

What if we write down what they want

on a legally binding agreement that creates mutual rights

and obligations?

You mean like a treaty?

Ooh, yeah, uh, never mind, I see it now.

Pack it up, Whites.

Beg your pardon, sorry.

I beg your pardon, sir, excuse us. Sorry.

Sorry.

Sweet Councillor Rose,

we're sorry we burdened you with our presence.

Our intention was to better understand your culture

and eventually to leave behind our humongous estate.

Yes. But we do acknowledge that we have overstayed

our welcome.

We could have just sent an email, I told you, Don.

Yes, yes, I know.

Well, let us take our millions over

to Greater Grouse Lake instead.

It wasn't our first choice, but it'll do.

Come on, honey. Let's go.

Excuse us, sorry.

Wait for me!

Take me with you!

I should go with them too!

Come back!

Say, you two look like a nice...

pair of grandparents.

Why, thank you, young lady.

My grandma died in Iraq.

Oh!

You poor thing.

Why don't you come with us?

Should we say something?

Mmm...

Nah.

I'm sure it's all gonna work out.

They're gonna get murdered though, right?

Yeah.

difuze