Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: This program is rated 14+,

and contains scenes of violence, coarse language,

and mature subject matter.

Viewer discretion is advised.

Announcer: At the San Francisco Sub Shop,

we know our customers have a lot of sandwich shops

to choose from,

which is why we're stepping up to the competition.

Our competitors use farm-fresh ingredients,

and now so do we.

$5 Footlongs? We've got them, too.

But we're taking it a step further.

Back in the day, our rival had a criminal spokesman.

So now we have Greg.

Just like our competitor's pervert,

Greg's been on a weight-loss journey.

And to match the other guy,

Greg is going to commit a horrendous atrocity.

What?

Announcer: Greg's a ticking timebomb,

a monster whose sick mind contains secrets

that will make your jaw drop.

But until then, come by the San Francisco Sub Shop.

[ Ominous music plays ]

[ Theme music plays ]

Handler: Your target is Brandon Ramirez,

an American software engineer moonlighting as a hacker

with the terrorist organization known as the Legion.

Tonight, he will upload nuclear codes to a secure darknet.

Our team has tapped his home network

so we can intercept.

Your mission- take Ramirez out

as soon as he uploads those codes,

but not a moment sooner.

We need those codes. Do you copy?

Copy that.

Target's in position.

I think he's connecting to the darknet now.

Whoa, wait. Hold up. He's opening Gmail.

Looks like he's messaging someone named Andrew.

Handler: Running a search.

Looks like a friend from college.

"Hey, man.

It's been... a while.

Hope enough time has passed since everything surpassed."

No. Don't wanna rhyme.

"Everything went down."

[ Sighs ]

Seems like one of those "Let's hash it out" e-mails.

Handler: Bit of a detour, but keep on it.

If we don't get those codes,

it's the end of the world as we know it.

Standing by.

[ Tense music plays ]

?

How we doing?

Still at it.

Holy shit. How long is this e-mail?

It's like 16 paragraphs.

Apparently, they had a falling out

over some group trip to Joshua Tree.

Whoa. He's adding pictures?

"Just wanted to clear the air."

Ah! This is your friend. It's not a co-worker.

Oh, my God.

"A lot of things were said.

Feelings felt." Ooh.

"I stand by what I said about Caitlin.

I think that history has proven me right.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and be less close to you.

Maybe getting closer was the mistake.

[ Sighs ]

"Hopefully these songs

will remind you of good times. Ha ha!"

Commander, please let me shoot this guy.

[ Sighs ] Permission denied.

The fate of the free world relies on these codes.

"While I'm not regretful for what I said,

I am regretful for how I said it."

Oh, oh, oh! Oh, he's uploading a file.

Here we go. This is it.

God damn it! It's a PDF.

A PDF of what?

"I'm attaching here

a Chatbook of some poetry about forgiveness

that I self-published earlier this year."

No . Nope.

I'm done. He's dead.

No. Do not terminate. Do not terminate.

"Alas, prose can only say so much."

Do not shoot. Disengage.

We need those codes.

[ Gunshot ]

[ "Ave Maria" plays ]

?

?

"Hi, Andrew. I just saw a woman

shoot herself with a sniper rifle.

Before you ask, I'm okay,

but I just wanted to reach out and say, I'm thinking about you.

Love you, man."

Okay, time to type in the password.

One, two, three, and four.

[ Key clacks ] Enter.

[ Computer beeping ]

[ Alarm blaring ]

?

Announcer: Our new Spicy Sicilian Melt

stacks capicola and melted provolone

on seasoned artisan sourdough,

baked fresh in-house every morning.

It's Greg's favorite sandwich.

?

[ Ominous whoosh ]

Wait. What's up with Greg?

W-what's he gonna do?

Announcer: Not even Greg knows what Greg's gonna do yet.

The San Francisco Sub Shop.

Because even monsters need to eat.

?

Man: What are we gonna read for the next book club?

Oh, my goodness. I was just about to say something.

We should definitely do something, like, super Black,

like maybe Malcolm X or, like, the Tulsa Massacre or something.

- I love that. - I love- I want us all...

I actually think, enough random chatter.

Let's just get started, huh?

Of course. Of course. All right, all right, all right.

So, this month, we read Bradley's choice,

which was "The Conquest of Wyrmspyr," by JJ Arroway.

I actually think it's "we-rum speer."

There's, like, a random pronunciation guide in there. What?

Oh, I missed that.

Huh. Okay. Well, all right.

[ Chuckles ] Does anyone want to start?

Um... Okay. I will go first.

Uh, to me, honestly,

this book was really long and really weird.

[ Dark music plays ] Man: Yes. Thank you.

Yes! It was so weird and so badly written.

[ Dark music intensifies ]

Yes, and there's, like, whole chapters

where he's just having sex with the little blue folk,

and he's amazing at it. What's wrong with that?

It's so obvious that whoever wrote this book

doesn't have any sexual experience.

[ Bright music plays ] Saying he doesn't have any sexual experience.

No, uh, I don't think so.

Okay. Get this. "Bradlyth tore into her

like a sword through dragon folds.

Bradlyth tore into her...

...this month, Bradley's choice.

I think it's "we-rum speer."

"...his shaft as broad as a giant's shoulders."

[ Whispering ] Bradley.

Bradley, did you write this book?

[ Whispering ] I'm listening to the passage.

Is this supposed to be you?

Shut up.

Is that sex? That's not how it works.

That's not how I do it. Yeah. Um...

Virgin alert!

You don't know that about that guy.

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

Bradley, I'm sensing a little bit of,

like, defensiveness from you.

The book sucked, and now I get to tear it apart.

Very badly written.

We have not yet talked about the illustrations.

Oh, my God.

Okay. B-beautifully drawn.

Look at this one. Brad: Very beautifully.

- Huh? - Wow.

His obsession with this dwarfling

is just creepy and perverted.

Yes, no, I don't know if true love is creepy or perverted.

Uh, all right. Check this part out.

"He gazed upon Jessiketh.

Her strawberry hair glowed in the twilight of the two moons.

He was entranced."

Is Jessiketh Jessica?

Chrissy, I didn't write the fucking book.

Wait. Bradley, did you write the book?

This explains why I could only find it

at your mom's bookstore.

Did everyone buy it at his mom's bookstore?

No, that's not why.

There are logistics problems, there's supply-chain issues.

If you open a newspaper-

Did everyone like your book, sweetie?

Mom, please. Can't you tell I'm talking?

Oh, Bradley. I'm in the middle of a sentence.

Well, I loved it. When's the sequel coming out?

Hold your horses.

The author is busy at work on the next two.

Okay. By the way, who's this guy?

I think that's his mom's boyfriend.

No, that's my best friend, Tim, who happens to date my mom.

You used to be my best friend,

but we stopped hanging out because you got so busy.

I didn't get busy. You kept yelling at me.

Wait. How long have you been working on this?

The author's been working on the Wyrmspyr trilogy

for about 15 years- I've read.

Oh, my God. It is Bradley.

No, no. No, that's not me.

That guy's wearing a monocle, and I have 20/20 vision.

Is this what you've been working on...

No. ...when you said you were looking for a job?

Bradley, how is the job search going, sweetie?

Great, Chrissy. How's your drinking problem going?

Jesus.

Did anyone scan the QR code to explore interactive maps

and listen to music from the book?

There's like a random QR code on the back,

and if you scan it, I think you can listen to the songs.

[ Snores ] Hmm?

Brad: No, don't just do it right now, Ethan.

It's embarrassing.

The author invented a new language,

and no one listened to the language.

You could just scan it right here.

You could just scan it right there! Oh, my God!

No! Careful.

Bradley... You know what?

Why don't you do a song for us right now?

Yeah. Come on.

I think that would be- I think we'd all like that,

if you do a song for us right now.

Really? I mean...

sure, I guess.

Great.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Singing in fictional language ]

?

?

?

?

?

[ Song ends ]

So I liked it quite a bit.

Announcer: At the San Francisco Sub Shop,

our flavors tell a story,

and all good stories have an end.

Right now, Greg's still in

the lovable spokesman chapter of his story.

But once the shit hits the fan, it's gonna make your skin crawl.

Greg's life rights have already been sold to HBO

for a shocking true-crime documentary series

about what he's gonna do.

Once his crimes come to light,

you won't be able to stop thinking about it.

Wait. What's he gonna do?

Announcer: For a limited time,

if you download the SF Subs mobile app,

you can upgrade to a combo- for free.

[ Music slows, heart beating ]

[ Bike bell rings, laughter ]

[ People screaming ]

[ Dogs barking ]

[ Sirens wail ]

[ Cell door slams ]

?

So can we stop him?

Announcer: Unfortunately, no.

[ Bright music plays ]

So come on down and try things Greg's way,

only at the San Francisco Sub Shop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop eating. Let's go.

Just go. Walk away.

[ Dark music plays ]

?

?

[ Bright music plays ]

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