Original subtitles

Disclaimer:(Uraraka) The following is a fan-based parody!

Disclaimer: (Uraraka) My Hero Academia is owned by Shueisha, Viz Media, Shonen Jump, Studio Bones, Crunchyroll and Kohei Horikoshi.

Disclaimer: (Uraraka) Please support the official release!

Disclaimer: (Uraraka) Bitches...😜

*We open on a scene of true destruction, as the pensive piano MHA ost fades in*

*Deku breathes in agony, having his small frame damaged by an explosive, sweaty and raw battle with Bakugou*

All Might: Don’t worry, my boi. 😞 In the immortal words of the prophet Tay Tay…

All Might: I stay out too late. Got nothing in my brain.

All Might: That's what people say, mm-mm.😤 *Gyrates forward twice for added emphasis*

All Might: That's what people say, mm-mm.😤 *Gyrates forward for twice more to punctuate*

Bakugou: (Inner Voice; Bewildered) I don’t understand, Deku couldn’t have beaten me.

Flashback Deku: *Struggling* I just didn’t wanna accidentally kill you...

Confabulation Deku: *Slyly slithers in place of Flashback Deku* I could have killed you...😏

Confabulation Deku: I’M GONNA TO KILL YOU, KACCHAN!

Confabulation Deku: I’VE BEEN PLANNING THIS FOR-

*A door opens in Bakugou's mind palace*

Bakugou's Mom: (Inside Bakugou's Low Self Esteem Head) How you boys doing in here? You want some cookies?

Confabulation Deku: Oh no, thank you! We’re fine, Mrs. Bakugou. 😇

Confabulation Deku: But I sure could use some sugar~ 😈

Bakugou's Mom: Oh, Izuku~😳

Confabulation Deku: Bring that sweet ass over here, mommy.😏

*Bakugou hyperventilates as the image of Deku making out with his mom, while he cups her ass haunts him*

Confabulation Deku: Ah, you taste like his dad.😗 (Aye yo Deku what the fuck?!)

*Confabulation Deku upsettingly continues making out with Bakugou's Mom making eye contact with him the entire time*

All Might: I, I, I shake it off, I shake it off.

All Might: Where’d the boy go? Oh yeah, Stink Bomb!

All Might: -how you holding up?

*💢Bakugou hyperventilates louder at his disturbed imagination💢*

All Might: There there, you sweaty little-

*💥Bakugou explodes flash frying All Might💥*

All Might: *Coughing* Welp, I learned my lesson, won’t be doing that again.

*"I'm no Superman" - Lazlo Bane* 🎵"I can't do this all on my own"🎶

🎵"No, I know, I'm no Superman"🎶

🎵"I'm no Superman"🎶

All Might: Well, while Cementoss is busy reconstructing the training ground,

All Might: why don’t we take this opportunity to CONSTRUCT… some criticism that is.

All Might: Constructive criticism, let’s get it.

Momo: Yes, sir, I have something to say. Bakugou really needs to figure out who his target demographic is.

Momo: On the one hand, he’s doing a great job cultivating a potential FEMALE audience via a classic bad-boy persona

Momo: -what with the unfettered violence and drug abuse.

Momo: However, considering his numerous anime references and APPALLING hygiene.

Momo: It appears as though he’s trying to court the OTAKU community as well?

Momo: There’s just not a lot of overlap there. Pick a lane!

Kaminari: Who’s Elaine? She hot?

Momo: However, while Bakugou’s presentation was ill-conceived it was at least grandiose enough to capture the audience's attention.

Momo: By contrast, the hero team barely made their presence known until the last 5 seconds of the match.

Momo: I honestly forgot they were there.

Momo: No, if you ask me, and you did, Iida is the only one who truly understood the assignment.

Momo: He made strong character choices and committed to an accent, no matter how terrible it was.

Momo: Not to mention he effortlessly zeroed in on a completely untapped market.

Momo: I mean, French-Canadian hockey fans? What a stroke of genius! Très bien!

*😃Happy Pure Boi Iida Noises🤗*

All Might: Yes I suppose marketing does have its place, but is there anything else you wanna touch on?

All Might: Perhaps something about minimizing collateral damage? Being more careful around a nuclear device?

All Might: Not blowing your own arm off? I dunno, just spitballing.

Momo: Why would any of that matter?

All Might: I wanna die! Who’s next?

*Todoroki freezes the entire training course while Oujiro screams*

*Momo screams while getting flash fried by Kaminari electricity while animals begin to stampede*

Kirishima: Get your hands off me, you damn dirty apes. Wait, what’s that beeping?

Sero: Holy shit! Is that a real bomb?!

*Sero punches an actual fucking tiger as Kirishima and Sato scream while the bomb's beeping gets increasingly louder*

*💥The Building Explodes💥*

All Might: So, kids, what did we learn today?

Class 1-A: (Altogether; ever so slightly out of synch) There was no bomb, we fell down the stairs.

All Might: That’s right. Never forget, children! An alibi only works if we’re all telling the same story.

All Might: Now, that’s all the time we have for today. Remember, kids, if your parents ask, my name is Mr. Aizawa!

Deku: (Inner Thoughts) Geez, my head’s so fuzzy. I don’t even remember how the fight ended.

Deku: (Inner Thoughts) I guess Kacchan really did a number on me. I sure hope Mr. All Might’s not too disappointed.

*Deku slides open Class-1A's door*

Kirishima: Midoriya! How you feelin’, my man?!

Deku: *Surprised Gasp* Uh, Fine… I guess?!

Kirishima: Good to hear, bro! You put on a heck of a show! One punch and that building was GONE! BAM!

Deku: I destroyed a building?! 😱 Oh my gosh, Oh um, Uh I'll pay for that!

Sero: Not to worry. We had plenty of Sero Tape on hand to-

Mina: Yeahyeahyeahshutthefuckup! So you and Bakugou are boyfriends, right?!

Deku: (Caught off guard) Buh?! I mean… he is a boy who’s my friend.

Aoyama: I don’t believe that’s quite what the lady meant-

Mina: I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!

Kirishima: Man, you shoulda seen our match. It really blew everyone away, if ya know what I mean.

Sero: I punched a tiger!

Aoyama: I got burned with aci-

Mina: I burned some guy with acid!

Tsuyu: It was a bloodbath.

Sato: And I get strong when I eat sugar!

Deku: (Overwhelmed) This is kind of a lot to process…

Mineta: *Explodes back into existence* I’VE RETURNED FROM THE FUTURE!!!

Kaminari: But if you ask me, I think Hardlight Construct really hit their stride with their 5th album.

Kaminari: Anyway, What kinda stuff are you into?

Uraraka: I dunno, I guess if you really pushed me on it, I’d say… *gasp* Deku!

Kaminari: Aw nice, I get that. He’s a cutie.

Uraraka: Hey there, slugger!

Uraraka: Man, that got rough, huh? Still can’t believe you won that for us!

Deku: Oh no no, that was definitely a team effort…wait.

Deku: I beat Kacchan?!

Uraraka: You did more than BEAT him! You destroyed him!

Uraraka: You fuckin’ SHAMED him, dude! Called him a cunt to his face!

Uraraka: In front of EVERYONE! Man, he was pissed!

*Deku's barely functioning mind gears begin to turn*

Deku: *Frantacally sprinting through U.A.* KACCHAN!!! KACCHAN!!! I’M SO SORRY!!!!

Deku: OH GOD I DIDN'T MEAN TO! OH MY GOD!! *Unintelligible screaming*

Deku: KACCHAN!!! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!

*Deku frantically panting, almost dying trying to find Kacchan*

Deku: Kacchan! Please, wait!

Bakugou: *Slowly turning his head from dramatic effect* Yooouuu…

*Deku approaches, looking guilty for his rightful actions*

Deku: Um, well… Let me just start by saying I’m so sorry I embarrassed you like that.

*🎸Aggressive Music Beat🎸* Bakugou: The fuck d’you just say to me…

Deku: I wasn’t even really trying and I hurt you so deeply. It was thoughtless of me.

*Bakugou seethes at Deku's words*

(😐Calm down dude you're gonna score yourself an aneurysm)

Deku: I clearly have a monster lurking deep within me… but I promise…

Deku: I WILL learn to keep it under control! I’ll never hurt you like that again!

*Bakugou glares in absolute befuddlement and is very much offended*

Bakugou: I see… I get it now… I can’t believe I didn’t see it before…

Deku: Ah! That’s right, Kacchan! I am, and always have been, your fr-

Bakugou: FUCKIN' VAMPIRE!!

Deku: Wha...?

Bakugou: What’s wrong… Didn’t think I’d figure it out? Sure, at first I thought you’d just been hiding your quirk from me…

Bakugou: but if that were the case, you would’ve slipped up somewhere. There would’ve been signs. No…

Bakugou: This is something way more recent. Nosferatu got his greasy little mitts on ya, and you just let him suck you dry!

Bakugou: Well, who’s the whore now, Deku?! You spread those cheeks just for a CHANCE at beating me!

Deku: Kacchan, I’m not sure you get how vampires work. (You know what Deku, I agree he's so fucking dumb XD)

Bakugou: Well, you’d be the expert now wouldn’t you, Slutneck?!

Bakugou: GOD, it’s so obvious now! That’s why I never see you in the daylight!!!

*Deku slides his eyes back to the clearly visible sun shining through U.A. as birds chirp in the background*

Bakugou: Don’t think this means I’m afraid of you, either!

Bakugou: You won’t get my delicious blood, you fuckin’ Keifer Sutherland Lost Boys-lookin’ ass!

Bakugou: YOU CAN’T DRINK ME IF I DRINK ME FIRST DEKU!

Deku: Kacchan, could you maybe just slow down and let me exp-

*Deku recoils in horror as Bakugou sinks his teeth into his own arm drinking down his own delicious blood like a Capri Sun*

Mina: Ooooh, What do you think they’re talking about?😏

Uraraka: I bet they’re hashing out their long and sordid history.

Uraraka: They couldn’t be more different, yet time and time again they find themselves drawn to one another.

Uraraka: Triple B has a tenderness that only Deku can draw out.

Uraraka: *Presses her forehead against the window* While Deku has a fiery passion raging within him that he struggles to control.

Uraraka: He’ll only ever let Triple B see him like that, cause he knows he’s the only one strong enough to take it.

Uraraka: To the unobservant, they appear to be bitter rivals, but on those cold, lonely nights when no one is watching.

Uraraka: Deku grips Triple B in a rough, but comforting embrace…

Uraraka: and then he fucks him *whip crack* behind the dumpster by my house.

Mina: *Mascara dripping down her face* Oh my god, girl. I love that for them.

Tsuyu: Bakugou is literally eating his own arm right now.

Mina: They’re boyfriends!

*The Next Day, reporters gather outside of U.A. with sinister intent*

Reporter: Excuse me, are you that heroic Dominos delivery boy?

Deku: Uhhhhh….

Reporter: Can you confirm the rumours that Z-list hero and disgraced game show host, All Might.

Reporter: Has been spotted sneaking onto the U.A. campus?

Deku: Oh, he hasn’t been sneaking in. He’s our teacher!

Reporter: *Appalled* Oh dear god...

Deku: Oh no, that’s worse! That was worse for some reason! Uh… I gotta get to class!

Reporter: No one wants a generation of heroes like All Might! What could he possibly teach you?!

Reporter: How to put your faces on a tampon?!

Uraraka: Oh, THAT’s where I know him from! Thank you! That’s been bugging me all week.

Uraraka: *Sighs* The answer was right between my legs the whole time.

Tampon All Might: *Muffled* Your period is here!

Reporter: Aren’t you terrified of violent retaliation from All Might’s innumerable enemies, myself included?!

Iida: Well frankly, Mr Might is the least of my concerns. What we should really keep an eye on is the west wall.

Iida: There’s a sizable gap between two security cameras that anyone could just waltz through unseen

Iida: -if they knew it was there. It’s even more troubling because that blindspot lines up exactly

Iida: with a thermal exhaust port roughly the size of a whamp-rat.

Reporter: Do you have any comments on your new co-worker’s reckless disregard for marine life in hurling beloved orca, Luna,

Reporter: Into low-Earth orbit, where she remains to this day?

Reporter: And what about the meteoric rise of individuals who believe her to be their new god?

*Eraserhead trying to process what the fuck he was just asked*

Eraserhead: No…

Reporter: Please sir! The people have a right to know!

*Luna the God Whale streaks through the sky with a groan*

Eraserhead the Unbeliever: *Sighs* Fuckin vultures.

*U.A's Security Gates only meant to keep out reporters raises*

Reporter: YOU CAN’T KEEP US OUT FOREVER!!

Atheist, Unbeliever Eraserhead: Listen up, kids! Those reporters are out there.

Eraserhead: They can’t be bargained with, they can’t be reasoned with. They don’t feel pity or remorse or fear.

Eraserhead: And they absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you give them a quote.

Eraserhead: So, pop quiz, kiddos. How are we gonna deal with this?

Tsuyu: I mean, if they’re willing to pay upfront I can take one for the team, let ‘em take a few photos. I’m a pretty big deal online.

Sero: Oh, oh oh, We could build a huge rat maze and tell ‘em a celebrity is saying something anti-semitic on the other side.

Todoroki: I would like to second this, as long as we can say it’s my dad.

Kirishima: Has anyone just asked them to leave?

Bakugou: LET’S POUR BOILING OIL OVER THE WAAAAAALLS!!!!

Eraserhead: Tip from a pro, Triple B. When you start assaulting reporters, weirdly enough, people tend to hear about it. Anyone else?

Deku: Um… what if we did some off-campus training?

Mineta: Do not listen, friends! We must not go to the USJ! Only death awaits us there!!!

Kirishima: Huh? What’s going on at Universal?

Iida: I believe our diminutive classmate is referring to a long-forgotten relic of the Old World just outside of town.

Iida: *🎵 Sinister; Mysterious music begins to play* A crumbling edifice of sunken ships and eternal flames, it’s original purpose has been lost to time-

Eraserhead: It’s for rescue training.

Iida: *Dramatic* Lost to time...

Mina: Oooo, that sounds fun!

Kirishima: As long as it’s still got waterslides, I’m down!

Tsuyu: Could be good content.

Mineta: No… No, it’s all happening again…

Eraserhead: As much as you kids DESPERATELY need a history lesson, I don’t think-

Principal Nezu: *Loud Speaker Announcement* Alert! Intruders have breached the West Wall.

Iida: HOW?! HOW DID THEY KNOW?! (😑)

Eraserhead: Screw it. Everyone on the bus. We’re goin’ Tomb Raidin’.

Mineta: *Class 1.A. heads to USJ* Noooooo…

Thirteen: Oh boy! Visitors! I sure hope you’re not hallucinations! I have been tricked before. Come on in!

Class 1.A: *Unsettled murmuring and judgment*

*Class 1.A are amazed and astonished*

Kirishima: This is Sick! Mina: So Big!

Deku: Holy cow! Look at the size of this place!

Iida: And the relics are so well preserved! It’s like we’ve traveled back in time.

Uraraka: DIBS ON THE WATERSLIDE! Kirishima: Dibs on the-aww...

Kirishima: Dang it...

Thirteen: Welcome, young heroes, to the Unforeseen Simulation Joint, also known as the USJ!

Thirteen: Here, we have meticulously recreated many real-world disaster scenarios to aid you in your rescue training!

Eraserhead: Ma’am, don’t take this the wrong way, but are you allowed to be here?

Eraserhead: This place was supposed to be abandoned decades ago.

Thirteen: Abandoned? *chuckles* Don’t be silly. We’ve been here the whole time!

Eraserhead: Uh… “we”?

Thirteen: Well, you didn’t think I could maintain this place all by my lonesome, did ya? Meet the team!

Thirteen: This is my BFF, Sarah. Over here we have Joey. Watch out for him and his wacky get rich quick schemes.

Thirteen: And of course, this is Ambrose van Richenbacher III. We have a little will-they-won’t-they thing going on.

Thirteen: Drives the others crazy, but the sex is incredible~

Eraserhead: Uh huh… So, can we get like a group rate for this many kids, or we paying full price for this thing?

*The lights short circuit as a sinister villain sized portal opens*

*Eraserhead is caught by surprise as Shigaraki and other villains arrive through the portal*

Eraserhead: Uh, lady? You didn’t invite these people by any chance, did you?

Thirteen: Oh goody! More guests! It’s just like they say, “It never rains, it’s only two in the bush and one in the stink”.

Eraserhead: Yup. That’s about right.

Shigaraki: *Nomu appears growling* Hey kids, Daddy’s Home. 😏

Nomu: *question growl* 😐

Shigaraki: Yeah, you’re right that was weirdly sexual. I gotta work on that. I wanna be killer scary not pervert scary.

Kurogiri: Sir, this was supposed to be recon only. You’re going off script. This is the Panda Express all over again.

Shigaraki: Shut up, Kurogiri! That thumb faced fuck isn’t the boss of me! Mark my words… by the end of today… All Might will be dead…

Shigaraki: AND ALL MY LIMBS WILL BE INTACT!!

Kurogiri: That’s what you said at the Panda Express.

Kirishima: So, like, are we supposed to rescue these guys? They look kinda gnarly.

Eraserhead: Absolutely not! This is not a drill. Those are real villains down there!

*Class 1.A. gasps in shock* Bakugou: Fuck Yeah! Finally!

Momo: Madame, does this facility not have some manner of security?

Thirteen: It sure does, little lady. Security Chief Roger, you’re up!

*Security Chief Roger falls backwards over the staircase, clattering below*

Thirteen: Roger! You coward! This is why your wife left you!

Eraserhead: Yeah, I’mma just take the lead here, if you don’t mind. Listen up, class. You’re gonna need to make a break for it.

Eraserhead: Once you’re out, contact the school and tell ‘em what’s going on. And for the love of god don’t listen to her.

Thirteen: *🎻Sad violin music accompanies her words🎵* You were never the same after the war! You never paint anymore!

Todoroki: What are you gonna do, sir?

Eraserhead: Me? I’m gonna do what I’m best at. I’m gonna teach ‘em a lesson.

Deku: But sir, this is a terrible matchup for you. Your quirk is best suited for ambush tactics and one-on-one skirmishes.

Deku: Fighting a mob that can easily surround you exploits all your greatest weaknesses.

Eraserhead: How very… PERCEPTIVE of you, Midoriya. THANKS.

*Eraserhead jumps down from the staircase into the fray; Hopefully his knees will be okay*

Nameless Villain 1: Alright fellas! It’s the moment we’ve been waiting for!

Nameless Villain 2: Let’s kill us a pro.

Nameless Villain 3: And make a name for ourselves.

*Erasurehead glowy eyes. Fuck em up.*

Nameless Villain 1: No wait! Our names are!

*Eraserhead pulls a Jey Uso and YEETS the nameless villains*

*Eraserhead recoils the memory cloth, slamming them together, all groaning in CTE injuries that their insurance will not cover*

Eraserhead: That’s a stupid name. Then again… what can I expect from this crowd? Y’all are a bunch of freaks!

Eraserhead: I mean, get a load of this guy. What even is your quirk? The power to never be comfortable on a bus?

Nameless Villain 4: That’s too real, man! I’ll kill you!

*Nameless Villain 4 is Aggro'd and jumps to attack Eraserhead*

Eraserhead: Sorry Son.

*Villain screams as his face gets fucking crunched in- holy shit what are Eraserheads hands made out of?!*

*Eraserhead launches his memory cloth at Nameless Villain 4 wrapping it around his leg*

*Eraserhead dodges an oncoming attack from behind, responding with a vicious roundhouse*

Eraserhead: Nothing hits harder than reality, bud. *Nameless Villain 4 Screams on descent*

Eraserhead: But I’m a close second.

*Cool inexplicable explosion behind Eraserhead's back to punctuate his one-liner*

Nameless Villain 5: Daddy. I mean, Father. I mean, Daddy. Damn it!

Nameless Villain 5: I’m so sorry, guys. That was really unprofessional of me.

Nameless Villain 6: No no. We get it. He’s hot.

Nameless Villain 5: *Dreamy sigh* I bet he really knows how to really treat a girl~

*Eraserhead kicks adorable pigtail girl in face; Pigtail Villain girl screams out in pain*

Shigaraki: Kurogiri, why are my guys getting their shit rocked by some crazed hobo?

Kurogiri: Because you got them on Craigslist, sir.

Shigaraki: Yeah besides that!

Nameless Villain 8: *Instantly gets entwinned and dragged off to his fate* Ahhhh! NO!

Deku: Oh, he’s doing way better than I thought he would. Good for him.

Iida: Midoriya! Deku: AH!

Deku: Sorry, I’m coming!

*Class 1.A. make a break for the exit*

*Kurogiri appears to stop Class 1.A.*

Kurogiri: Um. Hello.

Kurogiri: I’m gonna level with you kids. I don’t wanna be here. You don’t wanna be here.

Kurogiri: Just tell me where All Might is and we could all go home. How does that sound?

*Bakugou and Kirishima instantly attack Kurogiri* Bakugou: DIE FART CLOUD!

*Explosions aren't very effective against Ghost type Pokémon*

Kurogiri: Welp. I tried to be polite about this.

Thirteen: Kids! Get outta the way now! Let me clean up this mess.

Kirishima: But, stinky dude told us not to listen to you. So like… That is a stumper.

Kurogiri: Sir, how shall I handle these unruly brats?

Shigaraki: Oh, I think you know what to do.

Shigaraki: KUROGIRI, SPREAD 'EM!😒

Kurogiri: Sir, do you not hear how you sound? I can't- I just… *sigh* Alright.

*Kurogiri's ghostly tendrils ensnare Class 1.A. as they scream in panic, with Shigaraki laughing*

*🎻Heroic OST fanfare plays as the episode ends🎵*