Original subtitles

See, Grace, I was curious.

How long has it been since you got divorced?

About six months.

But when you're married to a redneck, it's less of a divorce than an ethnic

cleansing.

Six months is a long time, Grace.

Listen, I'd be happy to offer my services.

Carl, darling, I'd take you up on it, but I could hurt you.

She'd probably kill you.

Besides, I'm not on the rebound.

I'm still at that stage of divorce where I take pleasure in the little things

like... Not being woken up at 3 in the morning listening to, hey, are we out of

malt liquor?

Well, when you get to that rebound stage, you be sure and call me. I'll

take good care of you, kid. Hey, Carl, now you watch what you say to the lady,

you'll get charged with some kind of sexual harassment. Oh, come on, boss,

it's ridiculous.

What, you can't talk to a woman anymore?

It's okay, Bill, it's not harassment.

Just a sad adolescent comment from a poorly endowed cretin who's incapable of

enjoying a carnal relationship with a real woman.

Yeah, see?

Grace knows.

You're getting enough roughage, Carl.

Oh, hey, Grace.

I forgot your... Oh, thanks.

And, Grace, look, I know, like you said, you're not on the rebound or nothing,

but do you think maybe sometime you and I could, I don't know, go to a movie or

something? Gee, Dougie, I don't know. It's not like we'd have to sit in the

same row or nothing.

That's really sweet, but like I said, I don't think I'm really ready to date.

I understand you need more time.

It could be years.

Well, that's okay, because I can't really commit until my mother's dead

anyway.

I'll see you around.

Can you see me walking down the street?

Beatbox plays a click track to my empty mind.

Now my walkman's playing a slow and endless march, and I'm looking for that

bright spot in the sky.

But in my eyes, there's a perfect world.

I can see it, a perfect world.

Libby, don't teach the baby dirty words. That's my job.

So, listen, I'm laying in bed last night looking at Wade. He's sleeping like a

baby, and it comes to me, Grace, marriage is like an onion.

Poop, poop.

Take the baby in front of the TV and see if that brain-dead purple dinosaur can't

teach him something nice to say.

Are you listening?

Marriage, onion.

Right. So each divorce is like peeling away another layer of the onion.

There's a lot of tears, yes, but you've got to keep peeling until you get to the

good part.

You've been married four times, you've been divorced three times, and the best

you can do is an onion metaphor?

Okay, the point is, just because you've had one bad marriage, you cannot give

up. You've got to keep peeling until you get a great guy like Wade.

You told me the reason you married Wade is because he had a nice butt.

That is the good part.

Hi, Quentin. Quentin, get the phone, please, honey.

Hello, Kelly Residence. Quentin speaking.

Dad! Mom, it's Dad.

That man hadn't paid me child support in four months.

No kidding. You got a new pickup truck?

Just hold this about chest high and let me run into it. Oh, stop it.

Just try to get it under my ribs so I don't flop around too much.

I don't understand. What is he doing buying a truck instead of paying your

child support?

Oh, duh, Nadine. A truck is more fun.

Guess what? I'm on the soccer team.

But the coach says I need to get a jock strap. Can you take me?

Great. Okay.

I'll see ya.

Mom, Dad says hey. Ooh, let me say hey right back.

Hey! Who the hell's my child support?

Hello?

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go sit on the roof.

All right, be careful.

I'm worried about that boy.

All he does is want to sit up on the roof. He doesn't watch TV, doesn't play

with his toys. He just sits there.

Have you tried talking to him?

Nah, I figure when he wants to, he'll come talk to me.

Oh, Grace, when has a man ever voluntarily spilled his guts to a woman?

No, you're going to have to squeeze it out of him like a turnip.

Let me see if I got this straight.

When you're married, you treat men like vegetables.

And when you're divorced, you treat...

Vegetables like men.

Hey, Grace!

Is my wife in there?

Pushy little redhead?

Yep. Mr. Potato Head.

Mmm. Hey, baby, how was work?

Oh, sometimes I wonder why I even bother working anymore.

Here we go.

Pretty soon, 60 cents out of every dollar I earn is gonna go to pay off

President Hillary's pencil-headed health plan.

He does have a cute butt, doesn't he? I served two tours of duty in Vietnam to

bring down a government that robbed men of their basic rights and turned them

over to the state. Great butt.

Only to find out 25 years later, Bill Rodham Clinton wants to create the same

evil system right here in my own damn country.

Wade is still ticked off because Clinton got elected.

No, I am still ticked off because I voted for him.

Grace, I stopped off over at Russell's Pharmacy on the way here. He asked me to

give that to you.

I think he's sweet on you.

Okay, a peck-take coffee mug.

Kind of a contradiction, isn't it?

Grace, you know, I love you like a sister.

Can I give you a little advice?

Wade, I'm Southern. Please don't tell me you love me like a sister.

Well, you know, he seems like a nice guy. Why don't you just give him a

chance? Russell is a nice guy. I just don't want to get into any relationships

right now. I want some time on my own to explore myself.

You can teach a man to do that for you.

Y'all act like I'm lonely and desperate and miserable just because I'm divorced.

Uh... We love you too much to lie to you, Grace.

If you love me, quit trying to set me up.

Now, hold on a second.

Does it count as a setup if I invited Russell over here for tomorrow night?

Why don't you just tell him I'm gonna dip myself in syrup and make him waffles

naked?

Actually, I told him to eat before he got here.

Excuse me.

Looking for Quentin Kelly.

Oh, you must be Mrs. Kelly. Hi.

Hi there. I think Quentin's playing outside.

Hey, we missed you last week at the parent-teacher meeting. I know. I had to

work late. Oh, well, some of the mothers put together a lovely tea with cookies

and little cakes.

Well, this mother was shoveling hot asphalt to a wheelbarrow.

My brother says you sleep upside down in a cave.

I get you in two years, don't I?

You missed our little get-together. Do you think you could spare a moment to

chat about your son?

Why don't you go look for Quentin outside? I'll see you in a little bit.

Is there a problem?

Well, um, how can I say this? Um, Quentin is a very special boy.

Oh, that's not good, is it?

Special's not good.

I'd like to have him tested for attention deficit syndrome.

What? I can't get his attention.

Oh, she can't get his attention. He's an eight-year-old boy. It's like trying to

talk to a 60-pound hummingbird.

Mrs. Kelly, I don't think I'm making myself clear.

Let me just take my teacher hat off and put my mother hat and my woman hat on.

You'd kind of need another head, wouldn't you?

Mrs.

Kelly, um...

I understand how very difficult it must be for you to raise Quentin all by

yourself. Are you divorced, too?

Oh, no, no. Fortunately, my husband and I were able to work through our

difficulties and raise two wonderful children.

Good for you.

But I deal with a lot of children who come from broken homes.

Whoa, Miss Sheffield.

Let's get one thing straight.

Quentin's home isn't broken.

It was broken, but I fixed it.

Okay. Okay.

Mrs. Kelly, you know, we know now that without a strong male influence in the

home, children can experience developmental problems. I appreciate

your concern.

And I appreciate your minor in psychology.

How did you know?

Look, if Quentin's misbehaving in class, I'll discipline him. If he's not doing

his homework, I'll kill him.

But don't stand there and tell me he has developmental problems because he's

being raised by one happy parent instead of two miserable ones.

All I can tell you is what I see.

And this is a very moody, sullen little boy.

He was born moody and sullen.

Till he starts writing letters to Jody Foster, why don't you just treat him

like the rest of the kids?

Mrs. Kelly, denying there's a problem will not make it go away. Believe me, I

know.

How's that, Ms. Sheffield?

Well, um, for example, um, I pretended everything was okay when my daughter

joined a cult and gained all that weight.

Sorry to hear that.

It's okay.

It's okay.

But you know what really helped me through it was my son's lover. He was so

supportive.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

I'm fine.

Have you tried talking to your husband about this? Oh, please, he's useless. He

hasn't worked in two years. He just lies in bed and stares wrapped in that green

flag he took from Holiday Inn.

Okay,

you've got your deodorant, you've got your mouthwash, you've got your cologne,

and you've got your breath spray.

And with every purchase of $10 or more, you got your free Kaopectate mug.

Ah, thanks.

So, you got a big date tonight?

Yeah, well, no, uh, maybe.

Uh, you think I'm overdoing it here?

No. Big active guy like you can't spell too good.

Huh.

Mom, I really don't want to do this with you. Dad promised, promised he'd get me

one.

I don't know what you did, honey, but your daddy has responsibility deficit

syndrome. What's that supposed to mean? It means I'm the one buying you a

jockstrap.

Hey, Russell. Hey, Dougie. Hi, guys.

Hi. Hi, kids.

So, uh, how you doing? Pretty good. How you doing, Dougie? Great.

These must be your kids.

Yeah, Libby, Quentin.

This is Dougie. Yeah. Hi.

Well, we'll see you, Dougie.

Yeah. See you.

I like your little shoes.

Grace, anything I can help you with? No, thanks, Russell.

Appreciate it. All right, jock straps.

We've got to figure out what size you wear.

I want this one.

Well, honey, you realize you've got to run in this, and you don't want anything

that would irritate you or trip you.

Um, wait right here.

Oh, hi, Grace. Really looking forward to seeing you tonight.

Yeah, great. I need a jockstrap.

Well, there are more sophisticated forms of protection.

It's for Quentin. Please help me. He will not listen. Oh, well, that makes

sense. I mean, boy's first jockstrap's kind of a rite of passage thing. A man

should guide him through it.

Kind of a jock mentor, you know.

Okay, Quentin, see this? It's too big. What you want is this.

Okay. Good.

That's it?

That's it.

You think you can put that on?

What? No.

Could you show me?

Okay. But I'll need to show you with this deep dish model here.

Okay, Quentin, now what you do is you take your action cup here and you put it

through into your airflow cotton pouch like this.

Business end goes down.

And then what you do is you put one leg in through this strap here like this.

Then you put another leg in here through this strap here like this. Then you just

pull it on up there until it's nice and snug.

Didn't I see you in Spartacus?

How did all those bushes down on that side of the house die?

I don't know.

You know, I had a talk with your teacher today.

She seems kind of concerned about you.

Sometimes she cries for no reason.

Trust me, she has reasons.

I almost see about putting you in Ms. Foster's class.

Is there anything you, like, want to talk about? You have any problems at

school or at home?

No.

Boy, it is nice up here.

When did you start coming up here, anyway?

When you and Dad used to fight a lot.

It was quieter.

Sorry about that.

It's all right.

Nobody's fighting now.

I know. I just like coming up here to think about stuff.

What kind of stuff?

Guy stuff.

You wouldn't understand.

Well, I might understand. I understand why all the bushes over there are dead.

No, it's not that.

Just don't feel like talking, okay?

Okay.

Just tell me this.

You're not sitting up here making plans to be dysfunctional, are you?

What's dysfunctional?

You ever think about climbing a clock tower and thinning out the neighborhood?

Come on!

Well, did he talk to you?

No, he kept saying it was guy stuff and I wouldn't understand.

Well, if it's guy stuff, you wouldn't.

What is that supposed to mean?

Guy stuff.

Russell?

How would I know? My ex-wife took all my guy stuff.

All you really got to understand is that a guy will only talk to a woman about

personal things if he thinks it's going to help him score.

Oh, great, Wade. Why don't you just show her the secret handshake while you're at

it?

Well, would he talk to you?

Probably not.

Wade. All right, I'm going, I'm going.

Don't tell him I sent you.

I almost forgot.

I got this for you.

Jewelry. Hey.

It's a Valium wristwatch.

Nice, isn't it?

Well, you'd think if you were on Valium, you wouldn't really care what time it

was.

Grace? Hey, Dougie, what are you doing here?

Oh, well, I was walking my dog, and I saw you guys out here. I thought maybe

I'd stop by.

Well, great. Have some lemonade.

Oh, sure.

I'll get it.

Oh, oh, uh... I sent him on up ahead.

You know Russell from the pharmacy?

Yeah. Yeah, the big active guy. Hi.

Well, here we are.

All three of us.

I mean, you two aren't, uh...

No, no, no worse friends friends. Yeah, you two aren't

No You

too or not

Well, maybe one of us should leave.

Good idea.

Hey, look at all those dead bushes over there.

Nice shooting.

Thanks.

This is kind of like a treehouse, huh?

You know, when I was your age, I had the greatest treehouse.

Big sign down at the bottom that said, no girls or communists allowed.

What's a communist?

You know, it makes me proud you have to ask that, because that means I did my

job.

Communists were people that believed everybody gets an equal share, no matter

how hard they work.

Well, that's stupid.

Why would you work at all if you knew you were gonna get an equal share?

There you go. You just figured out the basic flaw in communism without the

encouragement of saturation bombing.

It's nice up here, huh?

Getting away from the women.

Guys got to do that sometimes.

Think about guy stuff.

Talk to other guys about guy stuff.

Because you can't talk to girls about guy stuff.

Only guys.

So you got any guy stuff you want to talk to another guy about?

Mr. Sobota.

Yeah, pal?

Tell my mom I'm fine.

Okay, sure.

I understand.

Sometimes a guy wants to be on his own.

Well, I'm gonna head on back down in there.

Whoa, is that Mrs. Snyder?

Every night at the same time she takes the longest showers.

Same time every night, huh?

Are you gonna tell my mom?

Nah, what's the sense in that?

Well, it's wrong, isn't it?

Huh? Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's wrong.

But, uh, most of your really good guy stuff is wrong.

But, uh, you're right. It's wrong.

Whoa! Well, Quentin, I guess we better just get on back inside there, buddy.

There you go.

She's got a little peace sign on the left cheek.

Hey, she's using medicated shampoo.

I bet she protested against the war.

I bet she has dandruff.

Come on, guys, I get to look?

No, no, no, you gotta come out here to see.

Oh.

I don't know. I'm really scared of heights.

Whoa, give me back the glasses. Aw, come on.

I need to sleep now. Okay. Did you have a nice talk with Wade?

It was all right, I guess.

You know, Quentin, I know it's hard on you not having your daddy around.

If there's ever something you want to talk to me about and you can't, you can

talk to Wade or Russell.

What about Dougie?

No, not Dougie.

Okay, I'll think about it.

or get married again?

I don't know.

Maybe. But it'd have to be the right man.

And that kind doesn't exactly fall out of the sky.

What she's doing now.

Whoa, hang in there, Dougie. We'll be right with you.

I love to watch aerobics.

More like a stretching exercise, wouldn't you say?

Stretching? I guess you're right.