Original subtitles

A lot of people when they get famous they find a lot of temptations.

They eat and drink too much, they get invited to parties and so forth...

Weight can be a problem.

You look like you have always struggled a little bit with your weight.

It's not a struggle. The more I eat the fatter I get. It's easy.

What are your ambitions? Obviously, this has been a big hit for you.

You gonna do more of the same or do you wanna branch out?

I would like to do serious acting and I would like to do films.

Who would you like to meet? Who would you like to work with?

-You don't know anyone. -I know most people in Hollywood.

I've interviewed Tom Cruise many times, I've interviewed Robert De Niro.

Yeah, obviously Robert De Niro's the greatest actor in the world.

-I'd obviously like to work with him. -Alright, that's challenge accepted.

-I will hook you up with De Niro. -You can get me De Niro?

Yeah, but lose some weight first.

-Andy! Well done, that was great. -Really?

-Yeah, you were fantastic. -Cheers!

-Are you gonna stay for a drink? -Yeah.

Wait for me in there. I'd really love to chat.

Ok, I'll be a minute.

-Was that your first chat show? -Yeah. I was nervous as well.

-Yeah, well it didn't show. -Really?

-No, I didn't notice. -You were great, I loved your stories.

Sorry, you got a minute to talk to a big fan of yours from the audience?

-Yeah. What? Now? -Joe, this is Andy, Andy, Joe.

-Hi. You alright? -Yeah.

Can I ask... Joe's going into hospital next week, St Matthews.

May be in for quite a long time and would you pop in and say hello?

Can you pop in and visit him whilst he's in hospital?

-I'm not sure what I'm doing. -Alright, well...

Give me your number and we can arrange something.

-If you call my agent on... -Not your agent! They fob you off.

-What's your mobile? -I lost my mobile.

-I don't know where it right now. -It's in your pocket.

-It's in my what? -It's in your pocket.

I thought I looked there. I usually look in my pocket.

-Well done, kid! -What's your number?

-Mine? -Yeah.

Can I remember it? 0...

... 7-7-0-0-900...

... 15-8.

-I'll just ring it. -Don't, no! That's the one I lost.

If you're gonna test it, it's 07700 900 168.

Ok, alright, well I'll ring to confirm Monday.

Well you can make it Monday, it's just, it's half an hour.

Get a cab, you can afford it. Six o'clock, St Matthews?

He's going to be on the parrot ward, neurology block. And six o'clock.

See you at six. Great! Thank you very, very much.

-Say goodbye. -Bye!

This way...

-Bit weird isn't it? -Bit presumptuous.

No, it's weird she didn't ask me. Knowing what I can do

and how much joy I bring to people. Maybe she didn't notice me.

Unlikely. I think you're gonna notice Robert Lindsay in a room.

No, she probably saw me and thought: "I'd love to ask him first,"

"being one of Britain's best known actors..."

"Plus, he can sing, he can dance and he has won awards on Broadway."

I know... She was intimidated and she thought bird in the hand...

Worried about this kid though aren't you?

I'm worried about the kid because if this so-called mother

is making stupid mistakes like that, choosing you over me,

what other mistakes is she making? Is she screwing up his medication?

-Is she? -I don't know...

-Good luck. Keep 'em laughing. -Cheers!

Would you like to come back for a night cap?

Yeah, I'd love to.

-Oh hiya. Nice night? -Yeah, it was lovely.

-This is Maggie. -Hi, Maggie!

-You live with your parents? -Yeah.

If you two get up to anything tonight can you keep the noise down?

-We need to get up early tomorrow. -We're not gonna get up to anything.

Michael thinks you are, he assumed that's why you were coming back here.

You don't want people saying you're a prick tease, love.

Girl like you, you're no spring chicken, you must be sexually active.

You look like you know your way around.

Are you on contraception or do you want to borrow something?

-Are you on contraception? -Yeah.

-What kind? -Just the pill.

Not the pill, danger of thrombosis. I always use a cap, don't I, dear?

She does use a cap but sometimes I pop a Johnny on as well just to be safe.

We've got two sons, that's enough, now we want fun without responsibility.

Doesn't have to be penetrative sex. Plenty of other things to do.

-Sometimes we do everything but... -An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.

Indeed, indeed!

Do you play at all? We should definitely have a game.

I used to play all the time at school, I haven't played for a while.

I've got a court in my back garden. I will knock you all over the place.

-Thank you. I'm gonna show you this. -Is that your wages?

No, this I got two of these. I got one in Japan, one in New York.

I'll set it up.

-Hello, it's me! -Hi, yeah, what can I do for you?

Nothing, I'm just phoning for a chat.

I've gotta tell you about this date that I've just been on.

-Do you have to tell me right now? -What, are you busy?

Yeah, I'm right in the middle of something at the moment.

-Alright, well I'll call you later then? -Don't know when I'll be finished.

Sort of really snowed under. I've got to go, I'll speak to you soon.

That's my toy, but this is his toy. I had to buy this separately.

I love the fact that your toys have got toys.

Ok, so, how are you getting on with the De Niro thing?

-What's that? -For f... I told you!

Jonathan Ross told me he's over here doing a film,

you said you'd make a few phone calls.

I tried, but it's tricky, cause all his people are in Los Angeles.

So, you've got a phone.

But it took me two days to realise they're eight hours ahead.

-They're behind. -Are they? That explains quite a lot.

-What time would it be over there now? -Four o'clock here, so eight hours...

-Five, six, seven... -No you're going up.

-Five, six, seven... -You're still going up.

It's four 'o' clock here, so 8 hours... Eight o'clock.

-That's four hours ahead. -In the morning!

-Supposing they get in at nine... -Ten. Have a cup of coffee...

-Right, add eight... -To what?

-Ten! -Eighteen?

-What do you mean eighteen? -No, add eight hours, you mean.

-So call them at six 'o' clock. -Right. Their time?

-Our time! -Yeah. What time will it be over there?

-Ten. -At night?

In the morning! Forget it! If I can get a hold of Robert De Niro before you,

you're fired. I've out grown you, I don't know what you're for.

Have another go but if I beat you to him you're fired.

-Hey, hello. -What you doing here?

-Some more extra work obviously. -That's where it's tight, there.

Listen Andy, I've got to tell you about this date that I went on.

This guy... To look at him you would think that he was Mr Perfect.

-What did you say, "your dad" what? -No, a date, I said, I went on a date.

Is this a really bad time 'cause I can easily come back and catch you...

That's better. Whatever you did...

We should hook up 'cause I've hardly seen you, well not in the flesh.

I've seen a photograph of you here with your new best friend.

"Wossy takes fwiend for a wide".

That's at his house in Swanage. That was a brilliant day.

Well we should go and get a cup of tea or something, sometime.

No, get a runner to get it.

We should get a cup of tea together.

If you do wanna hook up and do me a favour at the same time,

I've gotta go and see this sick kid in hospital Monday and I'm dreading it.

I don't know what to say. If you're there, I'll have someone to talk to.

-You should be asking some hot date. -No, it'll be awful, no you're great.

Buy myself a new dress then. Nothing...

I'll leave you to it then.

Look at his face. Why's he on a bike when he's got about five cars?

Oh, you bastard!

-Cut, cut! -Sorry!

-The bucket fell off the thing. -Yes, I'm sure it did.

Can you just tuck that in?

-Look who's here. -Hi!

-Do the catchphrase? -Let him sit down. Sit down.

Now do the catchphrase.

"Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh?"

-Oh it's good that, it's very clever. -This is my friend Maggie.

-What you been doing? -Just lying here.

Yeah...

-Comfy? -It's pretty comfy, yeah.

And I'm on morphine so I can't really feel anything.

Rather that than terrible pain.

-Are you his girlfriend? -No, just a friend.

Why'd you have a friend who's a girl? Boring.

They're usually boring, but because she's so stupid that amuses me.

-I'm not stupid. -She's very dim.

That looks like one of those things that you get a goldfish in at the fair.

-Could you keep a goldfish in that? -See?

-Andy, can I have a word? -Yeah, sure.

Don't touch anything, they're not toys.

-Are you a Chelsea fan? -Yeah.

Can I just ask... It's a very sensitive issue,

but if, heaven forbid, Joe did pass away...

-Who's Joe? -Joe, my son.

Sorry. Yeah, I knew.

If he did pass away would you say a few words at his funeral?

-I don't even wanna think about that. -We have to think about it now.

It's something the whole family would really very much appreciate,

knowing how much you mean to Joe and how much he means to you.

So if you could tell me yes you'd be happy to say a few words...

-I think he's gonna live a long time. -He may not.

-He will. -He may not.

It's mad to hold someone to plans that far ahead.

We may even lose him in the next six months.

Six months is a long time with my schedule. Things change...

Can I just say that you've promised you'll be there

unless it's something like literally impossible for you to get out of?

-Like filming or... -Not filming.

That's not important enough? What would be a good excuse for this?

I don't wanna call you and ask you what would be a good excuse,

only to hear you say that that excuse won't fly.

-What we talking? What sort of... -Can we just talk about it later?

Where is he? There he is ! There is the boy!

Look at his face. Dumbstruck. I understand, it's ok.

-You were expecting one-hit-wonder. -You alright?

And what d'you get? Bloody British legend.

I know you know me from "My Family",

the biggest and most popular sitcom in England.

But did you know I'm a serious actor? I can sing and dance.

Sorry. It's the morphine. I'm tired.

I wasn't really enjoying it, to be honest.

-Rude. -Well, I'm not really into musicals.

-So, what are you into? -Comedies with catchphrases.

"Freedom for Tooting!" "Power to the people!"

What's that?

Your kid does not know comedy, sort it out now!

"Citizen Smith", biggest sitcom of the 70s. Come on!

I wasn't born til 1993.

I wasn't born until 1949 but I know who Queen Victoria is, for God's sake!

You'll love this. This anecdote has people on the floor at any function.

And if you think that's because they're drunk, think again!

Richard E Grant loves this story and he doesn't even drink.

I'm on the set of "GBH", in my trailer. Knock on the door, guess who it is.

Go on, guess! Alan Bleasdale.

-I don't know who that is. -Oh fuck off!

Kid's a waste of space.

That was a nice surprise wasn't it?

-Well, that was interesting. -Yeah.

-Do you wanna go for a quick pint? -I can't tonight.

-Why? What you doing? -Going to Thy Ivy restaurant.

Vernon Kaye and Tess Daly, they have invited me out for a meal.

-Why? -Just wanna hang out with me.

-Is there room for one more? -No, I think the four's made up.

-Who's the fourth? -Jamie Theakston, nutter!

But I promised I'd visit the kid again next week.

-You wanna come along again? -Alright, okay.

What's Theako gonna be like after a few beers? He's mental enough sober!

-Yes? -Oh! You alright?

-Is he in? -Yes.

I haven't got long, just wanna find out what's going on with this De Niro thing.

Did we have a meeting or... I don't remember planning anything.

-Were you masturbating? -Was I what?

Were you masturbating when I came in?

Sort of, yeah.

-Don't tell anyone though. -No. Why didn't you lock the door?

Well, I should have locked the door, but I didn't think ahead.

The moment took me and... I just went, you know, crazy.

It wasn't anything weird. No, but just so you know it was...

It was the lady on this pen.

It just looks like a regular lady, wearing a bathing costume,

but when you turn it up the other way it comes off and then she's nude.

-Have you got my pen? -Yes. Take your pen please...

-Were you having a wank? -Was trying to have a quick one...

-But it's Piccadilly Circus in here. -I didn't know, I just walked in...

It's your fault, for leaving your erotic material lying around.

Well, why didn't you have one before you come out?

I did, Barry, thanks for asking, but I'm a very sexual being

and I produce an ungodly amount of...

Thank you!

-This is what I'm talking about. -We haven't talked about this.

I didn't think I had to make a list of things that you shouldn't do at work.

-Tossing off over a pen... -No.

You really think you're earning your 12,5 % by doing that under the table?

-No. -Nor do I. So why am I paying you?

This is pathetic really. I gave you a chance to sort something out.

and you'd rather be doing that so let's call it quits.

Look at that. God Almighty!

As far as I'm concerned, you're fired. That's it.

If you fire me you won't know anything about the De Niro meeting.

-You got a meeting with De Niro? -Yeah, next week.

-What you doing next Monday? -What time?

-Six o'clock.. -Where?

At his hotel, Dorchester.

Next Monday at six, at the Dorchester, I'm meeting Robert De Niro.

If he doesn't turn up you're fired then.

- But it's not my fault. - You've aranged it. Win/win for me.

Either I turn up and he's there, I meet De Niro,

or I turn up and he's not there and you're fired and I get a proper agent.

Ah for fuck's sake!

-Hello! -Hi! You alright?

Hi, yeah, I'm on my way to the hospital. I'm taking "Operation".

-I thought it seemed appropriate. -Look, I'm not gonna make it later.

-Ah, what do you mean? -I've got a really important meeting.

What, at that exact time? And no other time was available?

-No, he couldn't do any other time. -Who?

-Robert De Niro. -He couldn't do any other time?

Sorry, did you hear what I said? Robert De Niro wants a meeting.

-It's the only time that I ever see you. -I'll move it, shall I?

Sorry Mr De Niro, I know you wanted to meet me

and you've been my hero all my life but I meet up with Maggie

at a very specific time every week. It can't be moved.

Alright, I'm not having a go, I'm just disappointed that's all.

I can't move it, it's really important sorry, I'll see you next week.

Okay. Bye!

-Knock, knock! -Hello!

-Hello. How are you? -Good.

Bit of bad news I'm afraid. Andy can't make it.

He's got a really important meeting, so you're stuck with me.

But I've brought you this. Look! Alright?

-Yeah, alright. -Even though I'm a girl?

-No, it's ok. -Come on then, you set it up.

You're so rubbish. I hope the surgeon working on me's better than you.

Well this is just a tiny wee thing I'm trying to get out here.

From what I've overheard your tumour is massive.

So it'll be easy to get it out...

I'm sure he'll be here in a second. It's very unusual for him to be late.

Have you ever driven a taxi for real?

No.

-I used to have that. -What are you doing here?

-Has the meeting happened already? -I didn't go, I came here instead.

-Why? -Don't wanna let people down.

-That's madness. It's Robert De Niro. -I know, but...

No, but that's madness, because it's Robert De Niro.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Don't you turn it round on me, I wasn't trying to make you feel bad.

Don't make me feel guilty.

That was supposed to be nice; it was supposed to be encouraging.

Look if you go now... Get a taxi! It might not be too late.

-It's Robert De Niro. -I know who it is.

I'm gonna feel guilty for the rest of my life now, that's fine you know.

-And if your career was down the pan? -It is already down the pan.

Now it's my turn to operate. He's dead.

You're a man of the world, you'll like this.

It's just an ordinary pen, so it seems, and with a picture of a lady on it.

Turn it upside down, oh what's happened there? Nudy lady!

You looking at me? I am now.

-It's good, isn't it? -Yeah. Where'd you get this?

My friend Barry gave it to me. Look at that, back on, nothing suspicious.

Turn it up the other way, oh hang on, hello!

-Can I have this? -Do you want it? Take it!

Do you wanna go for a pint?

-Hurry up! -You're in a bad mood.

I'm not, but hurry up! Dead.

-Dead! -Stop putting me off.

If you were hacking at him like that he'd be dead.

-Oh. Oh, it's Darren. What? -Mate, what happened to you?

-I'm still here with Mr De Niro. -You're with him now?

Yeah. We're just cruising down to a club, come down mate.

-Can I bring Maggie? -Can he bring his friend?

-Who's that? -Friend of his, lady.

-The lady on the pen? -I wish!

-Yeah, sure. -All systems go, mate!

-What you doing after this? -Me? Nothing.

-Do you want to meet Robert De Niro? -Nah. I'm only joking, yeah.

Ok, alright then.

We'll find somewhere, I'll text you the deeds. See you later, mate.

-Really? -Amazing! Let's go!

-What about the game? -We can't just leave him.

Just give him an extra couple of drops of morphine, he'll be out cold.

-No, I'm joking. Right, who's go is it? -You have a go.

What would you rather do... No, listen!

Would you rather die a sad, lonely, bitter old man in a cold flat,

or, if we're not with anyone in about five years time, just move in together?

You've tried to make the first option sound the worst.

Why is it a cold flat?

Because you're too fat to get up and put the heating on.

-I've got five years to decide? -Why will it take you so long?

I wanna keep my options open. I don't wanna commit...

-Hi! -He doesn't want to see you, Robert.

Yes he does, because I've brought DVDs of "My Family."

-Come on, everyone likes these. -No, I don't.

-I prefer that edgier stuff on BBC2. -What are you, a critic?

EXTRAS

End of episode 12