Original subtitles

I'm going to meet a handsome man with bags of personality.

I told you, I'm married.

I still can't believe you got somebody to marry you.

Don't be too amazed, you haven't seen her.

Bloody hell Kimberley, are you still doing that time-sheet? Hurry up.

It's complicated, Mr Stokes.

Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh?

You know it gives me a headache if it's too hard.

That's what the wife said yesterday. I said, don't flatter yourself, love,

that's not hard, it died years ago, that's rigor mortis.

Andy Millman as Ray Stokes

in a scene from BBC1's new sitcom "When The Whistle Blows".

The catchphrase is "Are you having a laugh?" Did you, Germaine Greer?

Oh for goodness sake, why me? Why do you make me watch this stuff?

This was sexist, misogynistic, Neanderthal garbage,

it was nothing but really nasty sub-Carry On innuendo.

It seems that this talentless Millman individual also wrote the script.

Wrote? It's supposed to have had a writer?

I think he needs a defender. Mark Kermode !

No I think Germaine's being flattering about it.

Oh I get the idea. They all seemed to like it.

-I think they're slagging you off. -I'm being sarcastic.

You know, everyone involved should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Why did Germaine Greer and all those feminists burn their bras?

It was a symbolic gesture to suggest emancipation from a patriarchal society.

I thought a bra was supposed to help a lady, stop her getting back ache.

-They were furious at the time... -I bet they're kicking themselves now.

Can we concentrate on the matter at hand?

The worse the reviews are, the better the ratings.

Was thinking about all those people that are making really great programmes

and that it would be great working with them. But no...

But I prefer working with you, because you've sold out!

We're all making a fast buck now. Don't wanna do this for the rest of my life.

I do wanna be doing this for the rest of my life actually.

You know how exhausting it is getting panned by the critics every week?

Why should I get respect? I'm not an actor, I shout a catchphrase.

Do you know why I got into acting in the first place? Robert De Niro.

You think he'd be impressed with wigs and shouting the same thing?

He's got a body of work he can look back on and be proud of.

That's what I want. Get me something I can be proud of.

-Has anything classy come in? -Funny you should say that.

BBC are doing more of those modern adaptations of Shakespeare.

-Doing King Lear... -Ok. Who's playing Lear?

-Robson Green. -No.

Get me some real Shakespeare, get me any play.

A play always sorts out an actor whose career's struggling,

they always pretend it was their first love and it gives them a bit of cred.

-Get me a play, the play's the thing. -I'm gonna write it down, Bar.

I'm gonna put this in an email so you remember as well.

I've got the worst management in the world. Do you know what I mean?

I'm successful now, I'm still surrounded by the D-team. I want the A-Team.

It's hard though. I mean they're hiding in the Los Angeles underground, so...

-Not "The A-Team". -That's what you said.

-No, they're fictional characters. -Thought it was a bit weird...

-I didn't, I meant the phrase. -What phrase?

"The A team", it means the best possible people for the job, doesn't it?

What about "The Six Million Dollar Man"? Was that a phrase?

No. That was very specific to him because he cost six million dollars.

No, no, no, that could have been a phrase:

"Oy look at him, he's a right old six million dollar man, isn't he? Oh!"

When would you ever say that?

If you saw a man that could run fast and see really well out of one eye.

What's the chance of that ever happening?

I don't know, I didn't make up the phrase, did I?

-See you down there. -See you later!

Oh Liza, before you go... Could you sign a picture for me?

Yeah.

What's your name again, love?

Don't worry about it. If you can't remember my name it doesn't matter.

No, I've just forgotten because there's so many people.

So, have you forgotten his name then?

Or do you remember the actors but not the little people?

I've been doing your hair and make up for five weeks!

-I'm very sorry, I just- -It's fine, it's fine, doesn't matter.

-I've got a terrible memory. -Don't worry about it. Don't worry.

Okay. Sorry.

What a bitch. Do you know, it's always the same with some of these people.

"Oh I'm on the telly, so I'm more important than the fucking crew."

-Makes me sick. -I know. What can you do?

Oh Andy, by the way... Can you sign me a picture?

Can you sign that?

-This one? -Yeah.

-Who's it to? -It's just to me.

What shall I put though? To...

Erm, to me and I don't know, "best wishes" or whatever.

-Do you not want to sign that? -No... With pleasure.

But I don't want to spell your name wrong. How are you spelling it?

-Oh it's just the usual. -Ok, let's go for it.

Can't... Let me go to my dressing room, I've got a magic marker.

-Oh I've got a magic marker. -Have you?

-In my bag. -Thanks!

Right. Let's start with me first. "Andy Millman".

"Best wishes". I mean that !

"To" and then your name...

Oh, right, sorry, before we do that. Sorry about this, must, no, hold on.

Let me do this and we can get on with it.

Good!

Do you wanna get this done? I'm really conscious of time.

-I've got to get back down to set... -Right, yeah, no, no, I know.

What's your name?

You'll see what it is now because Andy is about to write it down.

Stop blowing! You don't know my name do you?

-It's not that I don't know it. -Yeah? What is it then?

-What, in this context? -Forget it!

Honestly, forget it. It doesn't matter, I've got to get down to set.

Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable!

-She was upset. -Yeah, she was.

I said to you I don't know her name. Why did you give me the magic marker?

Just 'cause you needed one.

That was an excuse to leave and ask someone her name, wasn't it?

That's clever, I'd never had thought to do that.

-What are you doing? -Smell that. Nice fabric conditioner.

I like smells. Do you know I once had this bar of soap.

Smelt so nice that I bit into it cause I wanted to see what it tasted like.

It tasted of soap.

Andy, reception say they've got a guy here who says he knows you.

-Oh God. Who is it? -He says he went to school with you.

-Steve Sherwood? -He's here now?

-Can he come through? -Hiya, can you send that guy up?

-Who's that? -He was the coolest kid in school.

-Everyone wanted to be like him. -Even you? What's he do now?

-He's something big in the city. -You could still do that.

I don't wanna be like him now do I? He probably wants to be like me.

-He doesn't wanna be like you. -Andy Pandy, you little fat poofter!

Hold on, you're with a pretty girl. There can only be one explanation.

-Are you a prostitute, darling? -Pretty girl...

-So you're doing alright? -Yeah, not bad.

-Is this the missus? -No...

Why do you protest so much? She's an attractive lady.

-We thought you were gay at school. -No... Why?

-Well you never had a girlfriend. -Not in front of you...

-So you had a girlfriend then? -Not until he was twenty-eight.

And she looked like Ronnie Corbett.

-Why do you think I'm gay? -Well you are an actor.

-That is the gayest profession. -Yeah I think rent boy's gay-er.

Well you tell me, you seem to know all about rent boys.

I'm not gay, I never have been and I never will be.

Let's nip that in the bud.

Andy! Oh for f...

What are you sitting on that little chair for?

-Just, well, that one's dangerous. -What do you want?

The play. I've been talking to one of my contacts...

-You mean Barry from EastEnders? -Yeah. He's got an actor friend.

He's just had a meeting with Sir Ian McKellen,

who's directing a new play. You've got a meeting with McKellen on Wednesday.

Bloody hell, there's some nice birds round there.

-Andy, we'll be ready in five minutes. -Cheers!

-Five minutes is all I need. -What?

-Steve Sherwood. What's your name? -Suzi.

Nice to meet you Suzi. What time do you finish here?

-About ten o'clock. -Do you mind if I give you a call?

-Sure, okay. -What's your number?

-Speak to you later. -Okay.

Playa! Respect, man! Darren Lamb, agent to Andy Millman.

-Steve Sherwood, friend of mine. -Are you a friend of his?

I don't think so, this guy's an absolute playa! Respect again.

If we're talking about the honies, there's a chick I've got my eye on.

-Who? -Her. Maggie.

-Maggie? Forget it. -I heard she's pretty easy.

Yeah, she's not that easy. Good luck!

-How would you approach it? -Just walk straight up to her.

"I've been admiring you from afar for a long time."

"I would love to take you out one night and see if it's going to go well."

"Would you like to have dinner with me some time?" Bang!

-Don't think about it, just do it. -No don't do it, please.

-Well he says do it. -Get over there! Go on!

Maggie! Hello, sorry to... I've been watching you secretly

and be very keen to spend the night with you and see if you er enjoy it.

I'm happy to pay for it as well if, you know for dinner, if you wanna...

-Are you asking me out? -Yeah.

-And cook me dinner? -I can cook if you want, yeah.

-Can you cook? -Yes.

-Yeah, okay then. -Really?

-Cool. I'll give you a call, shall I? -Yeah.

-See you later. -Bye!

-What she say? -She said "yes".

Really? Oh my God, it's worse than I thought. She's hit rock bottom.

Yes she has.

I've never seen him even try and chat up a woman.

I wouldn't do it in front of you.

-I think he's a bit gay. -Join the club!

-I'm not. -You could chat up a woman now?

-Yes, if I wanted to. -Go on then!

-I don't want to. -We've done it. This one coming now...

Hi!

Do you know what time we finish tonight?

About ten-ish, I think.

Just wanted to know what time we finished. Cheers!

That was unlucky. She answered me and everything. Ten o'clock she said.

You know, you used still. Sparkling. She definitely noticed.

Tilly, I thought she was interesting.

-Hello, Andy Millman. -Andy, do sit down!

Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you, Sir Ian.

Please, no titles in the work place. Thank you. Andy Millman.

-Not much theatre work of late? -No, no.

Oh that's fine. You're in a good hands here.

How do I act so well?

What I do is I pretend to be the person I'm portraying in the film or play.

Yeah.

-You're confused. -No.

It's perfectly simple. A case in point: "Lord of the Rings".

Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, says to me,

"Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf The Wizard."

And I say: "You are aware that I am not really a wizard".

"Yes. But I want you to use your acting skills to portray the wizard,"

"for the duration of the film."

I said: "Ok". And then I wondered how I would do that.

I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard

and then I pretended and acted in that way, on the day...

-Yeah. -And how did I know what to say?

The words were written down for me in a script.

How did I know where to stand? People told me.

If we were to draw a graph of my process, it would be like this:

"Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian..." "Action!"

"Wizard, you shall not pass!" "Cut!" "Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian."

Ok.

Now you would be pretending to be John in this play

and how would you know what to say? Well the words will be in the script.

You would learn the words. You would not have the script on the night.

That goes for everybody, there will be no scripts on the night.

You'll learn them and speak them as if you were saying them for the first time.

I didn't think we would have the script on the night.

You won't. It would break the illusion and it's all about the illusion.

-You are not really John. -I know.

You are pretending, and that is acting.

What's the play about?

It's a new play by Charley Heyward...

As I say, you would be the part of John and you're in love with Fran,

and there's the whole centrepiece on the play is the emotional confrontation

when the two of you address those unspoken feelings...

-That sounds challenging. -I hope so.

And I don't know, is it anything that you'd be interested in?

-Oh definitely, yeah. -Let's introduce you to the team.

There's Fran, who's your lover. Played by Leslie.

-Leslie, this is Andy... -Good to meet you.

-You're Fran. Fran's a man? -Yes.

Can be, 'cause Fran Healey out of Travis the... Yep.

-And our clever little writer, Charley. -Who's a woman!

-I'm Fran's lover in this? -Yes.

Fran. Could I have a quick look at the, the script, just before...

No one said anything about the...

We thought we might do a little work shop of some of the lines.

-Do you have time for that? -Yeah.

Andy? Can I get you something? Some water, cup of tea?

-Tea. -George, get Andy a cup of tea.

-Yeah, no problem. -George. 'Course!

-Moron. -What? Are you talking to me?

Yeah. Why didn't you tell me it was a gay play?

The play that you got me "A Month Of Summers", it's a gay play.

I have to act all gay, all through the play... It's so gay!

Do not worry, do you know why? Gay, my friend, is all the rage.

What does that mean?

It will show you are sensitive and versatile. Case in point:

Mr. Thomas Hanks, ok? Now people weren't interested in Tom Hanks,

suddenly there's that film Philadelphia, yeah?

He played a skinny little bent fella. After that, everyone loved him.

Or those two guys from Brokeback Mountain,

now they're not even gay and they were getting off with each other.

I was sick to the stomach, they were, they were so convincing.

-When d'you see Brokeback Mountain? -Watched it on DVD, with Bar.

I don't know...

John, I love you!

-I know. -Yes, that's lovely!

Thanks.

I'm just checking if there are tickets for my colleagues from the BBC.

Damon Beesley plus one and Iain Morris plus one.

-Yeah, we've got them. -Oi! Andy Pandy!

You remember these boys from school. Nobby, Boss Hogg, Gut Rot.

Right. What are you doing here? You're not here for the play are you?

-Yeah. We've got tickets. -Not your type of thing.

No, we're looking forward to it. What's it about?

It's all feelings and emotions and I'm just here for the...

Poofters at twelve o'clock. That your audience is it?

-No way. -Andy, hi!

-Fans. -Thanks for sorting out tickets, love.

Why are you sorting the Village People out with tickets?

-Guess who! -Christ!

I couldn't miss my little genie in his first "gwown up pway".

You do hang around with all the butch boys, don't you? Hello, I'm Bunny.

-How's the wife? -Gone. She knew I was living a lie.

But now I'm able to go out and enjoy some serious cock, guilt free.

Break a leg!

I'm gonna get changed, come down for a few beers if you want,

but don't hang around for this shit.

-Hello. How you doing? -Good.

I've just been talking to Leslie and we think it would be better

if at the end of act two, you were to kiss each other.

-What? -No.

No? Leslie and you kiss each other at the end of act two?

-Ah. No, no. -Why?

'Cause it's too obvious.

Don't forget that you've finally been able to express your feelings

toward each other for the first time in twenty years.

A kiss would be a physicalisation of this emotional liberation,

your freedom to show the world what you are.

Not the whole world though. Let's give 'em a clue, but let's keep it subtle.

Imagine if he just leans over you and then kisses you...

... on the cheek, shake hands, curtain comes down. Bravo, encore!

Well, well thank you dear. But no, dear, he must kiss you on the lips.

No, he can't kiss me on the lips. Cold sore.

Yeah, opening night. You can't see it, it's underneath...

Don't you worry. We'll soon sort that out, old theatre trick.

George, can you get us some Vaseline?

-Hello, alright? -Hello. Yes.

-Come in, this is the crib. -God it's big!

-Yeah it's alright. -I've brought you...

-Is that red or... -It's red, but I'll drink anything.

Well I got red myself. Obviously, we're both fans of red.

-I quite like wine. -I like anything, me.

You wanna take your coat? It's quite hot in here 'cause of the cooking.

-It's a nice smell. -We're going sort of oriental.

-Will I just hang it up? -Yeah.

C'mon, Fran! You're like an old lady.

I stopped to pick up this shell. Look, it's beautiful!

It is.

Do you remember the first time we came here?

-Yeah, with Paul. -Yeah.

-Ahhh. Bloody sea! -Why are you so scared of the sea?

I'm not, but when it gets in your shoes, the salt-water rots away the stitches

and they fall apart and you, you have to throw them away.

-Are you still talking about the sea? - 'Course. What else?

You're mad.

I'm going back to the beach house!

Fran! Wait for me!

You've got to go like that to the wee top.

-Well that's not a proper Christmas. -No, it's just, I like the sound of it.

I know, but you can't have a proper Christmas dinner in Ibiza.

You ok?

Yeah, just erm just waiting for the cistern to refill.

There's a, just left a bit of... Didn't flush away completely.

-Are you gonna sit down? -No. It's on my mind, to be honest...

-Is that alright? -Yes.

Let's have another go.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Don't worry about it.

I do. I don't want you to have to see it.

That'll sort it.

That's just mashing it up.

-You kept the shell? - Course I did. You gave it to me.

-It wasn't mine to give. -I kept it anyway.

Nearer the knee.

John, I love you!

In the play! I know.

-I'm going kiss you. -No point.

Silly. Sometimes I don't know what you're talking about.

We do, we agreed. If any nonsense happens I'm going home!

Let's just have a lovely evening and appreciate the stars and the moon, ok?

Run to the next bit. It's not gonna happen.

Who the fuck is that?

What are you doing? It's like "Deliverance" in here.

I said I wouldn't do the kiss. McKellen comes to me five minutes before

and drops that bombshell on me. "We'd like you to do the kiss".

Not my cup of tea, mate. And him a Knight of the Realm.

Do you wanna do the end bit without that? Oh he's got the hump.

No understudy, so I'm afraid that's the end of the run, sorry about that.

We'd nearly finished anyway to be fair. Only about five minutes to go.

All you missed was we find out me and Fran were having it off with Paul.

Do you remember Paul we mentioned earlier?

Paul killed himself. He was wracked with guilt

about doing both of us behind the other one's back. So...

She's writing all this down. That's not very good is it?

"Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?"

Not my audience, so what?

EXTRAS

End of episode 5