Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Andy Millman. What would you rather do?

Have your child die of thirst or dysentery?

That's not a choice that you or I have to make is it?

But one in five people don't have access to clean drinking water.

Everyday, millions of people have to drink the only water available to them

and they run the risk of dying.

You can help put an end to that terrible risk by pledging just five pounds.

-Please help. -Cut!

-Was that alright? -That was fantastic!

-Chris! Hi! Hello, how are you? -What's this for today?

It's for people in the third-world...

This screen, are you going to project anything on there?

-I'm not quite sure... -We have an album coming out.

"Greatest Hits". Maybe just put the picture of the album cover on it.

If we're gonna project anything we'll show sort of pictures of people dying

because of a lack of clean water.

-Could they be holding the album? -I think might be a bit inappropriate.

I presume at some point you're gonna have some footage of these people

walking around, looking sad, miserable. What about some music ?

Check this out.

-Is that one of yours? -Yeah, "Trouble".

Say at the bottom this is available, Coldplay "Greatest Hits".

Easy! It's so easy!

-Where do you want me to stand? -Just there, that's great.

-Hey, I know you. -Alright!

"Are we having a laugh!"

I could come on your show. What's your audience, five or six million?

It's a bit weird. Celebrities popping up in a sitcom, you know what I mean?

It'd be good. I could play myself.

Right. What would Chris Martin be doing visiting a factory in Wigan?

-I dunno, you work it out. -We will.

-When do you shoot? -Thursdays.

-I can't do Thursdays. -Nevermind... Okay.

-I can do Wednesdays. -We can move it.

Can we get on with this, I've got to do AIDS and Alzheimer's this afternoon.

I wanna get back for Deal or No Deal. And Gwyneth's making drumsticks...

Do some bloody work, what's up with you lot?

-We're depressed Mr. Stokes. -Radio's broken, Mr. Stokes.

Statistics prove that workers are more productive with musical accompaniment.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

-Oh we can't work without music. -Who are you? Seven bloody dwarves?

You'll just have to buy us another one.

I'm not made of money and we've spent budget for a year.

-I don't know what we're gonna do. -Maybe I can help?

I don't believe it. It's only Chris Martin from "Coldplay".

Hey!

Chris, what are you doing here, in a factory in Wigan? It's mental.

Ray, I'm just in the area to promote our new album, "The Greatest Hits"

and I thought I'd pop on over, say hello.

-Right. When's that due out? -On the 17th, of this month.

-It's going to be really great. -Fantastic!

This is going to sound ridiculous, but do you mind performing a song for us?

Are you having a laugh?

"This week, the sitcom sunk ever lower in its desperate attempts"

"to appeal to as many of the great unwashed as possible"

"by roping in the services of rock star Chris Martin,"

"whose inexplicable appearance was the latest attempt by Andy Millman"

"to shamelessly prop-up his lame-duck of a sitcom."

I told you, I told everyone. Why did I let people convince me?

-Calm down. Muffin? -No.

-Have a lovely bit of muffin. -I don't want any.

-Do you mind if I have a bit of muffin? -No.

-Thank you. Bar? -Yo!

-I'm having the muffin. -I'll come through.

-Why is this an event? -He's excited.

-Andy! -Lovely bit of muffin.

-Hello you! -Oh lovely.

-Why's he eating it like that? -Yeah, why are you eating like that?

Me hands. I've been cleaning out the toilets, I've got no gloves.

-Shook my hand when you came in. -It's politeness, isn't it?

Just being polite, we are celebrating with that lovely bit of muffin.

What would be the best news you could get today?

You're going full time at the Carphone Warehouse.

Don't work there anymore. I do Saturday mornings while Nirinda's pregnant.

What would mean you've finally got the respect you've been looking for?

BBC1 comedy with catchphrases and stupid wigs

filmed in front of a live audience of morons is suddenly considered cool?

No, you've been nominated for BAFTA. Best Comedy Performance.

Not gonna win though, something classier than this'll win.

I was thinking the same and then I was looking down the list of nominees

and it's all crap this year so you've got as good a chance as anyone.

More good news. Had a call from a toy manufacturer

and they're quite keen to put out a Ray doll for Christmas.

You sort of press a button and it goes "Are you having a laugh?"

-Oh who's gonna buy that? -Those who watch the show...

-Thick kids, thick parents... -Thick people, I get it.

Don't slag 'em off 'cause those people spend a fortune on this sort of tat.

And ring-tones as well. That Crazy Frog made millions.

Yeah, where is he now?

Probably working on a follow up album or trying to crack Japan.

-It's not bad for a frog, though is it? -It's very good for a frog, Bar.

He's probably the second richest frog in the world. After Kermit.

-There was his nephew Robin. -Ah Robin, was good.

Looked set to take over the empire for a while, didn't he?

-"Half way up the stairs". -Good song!

-Never been to an awards ceremony. -Nor have I.

-There will be photographers there? -Probably.

What if I fall or dribble something down my front?

-What are you, a toddler? -There's some nice frocks in here.

-Come on in and have a look! -No, I'll wait out here.

-How much is this one? -Two thousand five hundred pounds.

-Oh. That's a bit much. -Yes.

-Are there any of these that are... -It's all very expensive.

-Don't think you can afford anything. -How do you know what I can afford?

Oh, just a hunch.

Nothing.

-Nothing in there? -No nothing, come on, let's go.

-Where we going now? -Somewhere, just anywhere else.

-What exactly are you looking for? -A place where people aren't as rude.

-Who was rude? -Her, in there.

She just looked at me like I shouldn't be there, like I was a piece of dirt.

-Come on. -No, no!

-That one? -Yeah.

Good day. My friend here was looking for a dress.

I wondered if we could help her with that. Gold card there.

-Well, I'm sure we can. -Good.

-I think she was looking at this one. -Wonderful! How much is that?

-Two thousand, five hundred pounds. -Two thousand, five hundred...

-Do you want that? -Yeah.

-If you don't want it, don't have it. -No, I want it!

Definitely afford it, it's just a matter of, is it, is it the right dress.

Yes.

Could we bring it back if there's something wrong with it,

say after this coming Sunday?

-No, we don't do refunds. -No, no, but if it didn't fit?

-She should try it on. -I know but what if she got fat?

By Sunday?

No, what if the stitching there was to be pulled apart slightly ?

Just normal wear and tear, the sweat rot under the old arm pit,

cuts through the old stitches. Could we?

Let's make absolutely sure. Always good to be sure.

-Sorry about this, you're not thinking. -What?

I'm gonna ask you a question now, consider the answer, ok?

Do you really want me to spend two thousand five hundred on that dress?

-Yes. -She does! Ahhh! Go on!

We've all learnt a lesson today.

There's a chance it won't fit. It's not even tax deductible.

-Do you do celebrity discount? -Well I don't know who she is.

She's nobody. "Are you having a laugh?"

-No, we don't do discount. -No, not "are you having a laugh".

Watch this and comprehend. "Are you having a laugh?"

Does no one here know? Is she having a laugh? Do you know ?

-Oh yeah, you're from that sitcom. -Correct.

Any good?

Not really, it's a bit broad, relies on catchphrases and funny wigs.

Did I ask for a critique? I don't tell you you haven't swept up right.

-So, you don't do celebrity discount? -No.

-Couldn't give me one percent? -I'll do you a one percent discount.

-What's that? -Twenty five pounds.

Not worth it. I'd rather you stuck it on if anything.

Well, shall we just leave it as it is?

-That's your Christmas and birthday. -Yeah, okay!

Never'd spent that much.

Those are six hundred pounds.

-They're very expensive. -That's not why I was laughing.

I was laughing they weren't expensive enough, in a way.

What do you think?

-Do you think it's alright? -Yeah.

-Can I get it? -Yep.

Andy... Will you win tonight?

It's just flattering to have been nominated. So...

-Is that your girlfriend? -No, no!

Tell journalists the truth and let them change the facts later.

-And who are you wearing? -Maggie.

-Who are you wearing? -Maggie Jacobs.

-No, whose dress is that? -It's mine.

Thank you... She won a competition. Don't speak to anyone else tonight!

Dale! Dale! Darling, Dale.

Toby Anstis.

-Have you ever eaten a worm? -I don't even know what a worm is.

There's an "r" in it, you should pronounce it. "Worm".

-Old girlfriend, ah God. Shall we... -Andy!

-Hi! You alright? -I'm really good, thanks. Yeah...

-God, you've done well. -Yeah. All down-hill from here.

Who are you...

What are you BAFTA tonight... Are you, first time...

-Yeah, as part of the Holby team. -Good luck with...

Yeah, thanks, thanks and good luck to you as well.

Absolutely. Yeah, it's a pity...

Yeah em I'll see you later.

-Ok, good luck with the... -Thanks!

See you later. Cheers!

-Who was that? -The most boring woman in the world.

How do you know her?

I went out with her for a while when I was an extra on Holby City.

-Oh, and then she dumped you? -No, I dumped her.

-Really? -Yes, it does happen.

-When was this? -Couple of years ago.

Before or after you lost your virginity to the one who looked like Corbett?

After, obviously, it was two years ago.

What, so you lost your virginity a long time ago then did you?

-Yes, I'm in my forties. -I know, but what age were you?

16? 17?

Were you older that that?

What is all these questions? I lost my virginity, full stop.

Why were you attracted to Ronnie Corbett?

She just happened to look like him, it was the bank's Christmas do.

-I was drunk, alright? -Oh the bank's Christmas do?

But you didn't start working there til you were twenty-eight.

Who are you? Columbo? Leave it.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Davina McCall.

Good evening and welcome to the British Academy Television Awards!

In front of me are a whole host of understandably anxious stars,

all wondering whether they're going to walk away

with that most coveted of awards: the BAFTA mask.

Now to our first category this evening...

I also want to thank our inspiring and bossy boss...

The BAFTA goes to... My favourite, "Jamie's Prison Dinners".

You weren't a production team, you were family. Thanks for everything!

Unlike newspapers, our tv newsrooms have to remain impartial...

The winner is "The Woman Who Gave Birth To Herself".

But right in my eye line, on all fours like a dog...

The BAFTA goes to "South Bank Show, Dick and Dom Special".

Well hello! Everything alright here?

We could do with some more wine, please waiter!

-Comedy gold, absolute comedy gold. -Thank you.

I'm actually here in an official capacity.

One of the Best Drama nomination, for Paul Abbott's "Cock Of The North".

-I imagine you saw it. -I didn't.

I had quite a large part, it was good.

Best drama, the Holy Grail as it were of BAFTAs.

Of course, you're here with your sitcom aren't you?

-Yeah. -Yeah, well, good luck!

-Yeah, and you mate. -I understand it's very popular.

-Yeah, yeah, good luck mate. -Well, I'd better get back.

-See you later. -Drama crowd, as it were...

Catch you later. Cheers mate!

We are on air live in 45 seconds.

Many of you at home and in this room probably don't recognise Len Shearman

but you'd certainly recognise his work. Len was one of the most influential

and passionate drama producers in the history of television

and in an industry famous for back biting and bitchiness.

Sorry. Hello, alright.

What the f...

-Sorry I'm a bit late, I... -Shut up!

Richard Briers!

I was just waiting for this: the prototype of the Ray doll.

I don't care.

-There he is. -Oh who's gonna buy that?

-Like I said before, stupid people. -Who are these stupid people?

-That is brilliant. Can you buy them? -You will be able to buy them.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

I was with Len only a few days before the end.

He didn't have long...

Just turn it off, just take the batteries out or something.

His wife, he leaves his loving wife...

Take the batteries out!

Tacky shit!

Oh dear, I think it's broken.

Pull my trousers up!

-Oh, hello. Andy's friend. Maggie. -Yes, hi. Yeah.

Didn't introduce us so hello, pleased to meet you.

-God, you two used to go out? -Oh, for about ten minutes.

Why did he let you go? Look at you, all lovely.

-Oh thanks. -Bit of a catch for him.

A man that didn't lose his virginity til he was 28

and that was to a woman who looked like Ronnie Corbett.

What did you say to him when he said he couldn't go out with you anymore

because he thought you were boring?

He, he said it was because I was boring?

He told me it was because he'd just come out of a long-term relationship

and he wasn't ready for something else.

Not boring. He didn't say that you were boring, I think he said

that the BAFTA thing, kind of the ceremony,

all the clapping was probably gonna be boring 'cause...

Coming up we have the prestigious BAFTA fellowship,

but first the award for comedy performance.

So please, will you all welcome Harry Hill!

-Commiserations again, Andy. -I knew I wouldn't win.

Still it's nice to have some recognition from one's peers isn't it?

Have you considered doing something without a laughter track?

I think they're considered rather old fashioned these days,

if you want to pick up one of these old gongs.

-Not in it for the awards but... -Wigs and silly glasses?

-Bit undignified for men of our age. -Don't think we're the same age.

-Looks desperate, is all I'm saying. -I don't feel desperate.

It's a knock-about comedy, I'm not into high-art so...

But as Oscar Wilde so wonderfully put it:

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars..."

He was probably looking up men's trousers, the old poof --

-Sorry? -He was looking at the stars... Yeah.

Yes that's right. I'm off to look at some stars myself right now.

-You'll be seeing stars in a minute. -What?

Nothing. Why'd you keep coming back in?

-Andy! -What are you doing?

-Come, it's all kicking off in here. -I'm not coming in there, no.

-What are you doing, what? -Just come in!

-Who's that? -Oh hi!

-How ya doing? Alright? -Yeah.

-He's one of us, don't worry. -I'm not into this...

No it's alright, just have a little bit, it'll cheer you up a bit.

What's going on in there?

I'm just finishing up, excuse me for five minutes.

-How many people are in there? -One.

-That's a different voice. -Two, with the woman you just heard.

Open the door!

Let me explain, ok? I was just in here and I was leaving.

-That's my agent. -Darren Lamb, nice to meet you!

You shouldn't say your name, never tell 'em your name.

-It was your fault. -Why was it my fault?

Well because they saw your head over the cubicle door.

They saw your head under the cubicle door,

but there's no point in arguing amongst ourselves.

Well, well, well! The Three Stooges.

-Sorry, is something funny? -Your joke was excellent.

Shut up. Corbett. It's always bloody Corbett.

I expect it of him but you, you're the new kid on the block aren't you?

I mean, how'd you fall in with his crowd?

Is this it or is there any more?

Just a bit of whizz, to blow away the cobwebs.

Hand it over then, come on! And where'd you get it?

-I don't remember. -Don't do that. Where did you get it?

-I don't remember. -Was it Moira Stuart?

I can't say.

Look we don't want you. Just give us a name, you can walk free.

You don't get it mate, do you? I don't remember.

Alright, here's something you will remember.

You're banned from BAFTA, you can never win a BAFTA now.

-What, me as well? -Yeah, all of you.

You can never attend any of our varied events,

you can't come to the film BAFTA's, you can't come to the TV BAFTA's,

you can't even come to the children's BAFTA's.

-What about the Welsh BAFTAs? -Would you attend it if you were asked?

-Probably. -Okay, expect a call.

He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs if you want him.

Yeah, we're after you know, more respected comedians.

Get out of my sight, that's all of you. Yeah.

Makes sense...

-I could have had him in a fight. -Yeah, you idiot!

And the winner is "Holby City".

Thank you all very, very much indeed. I'd like to thank...

Is that the girl you lost your virginity to?

-Who? -The one that looks like Ronnie Corbett.

That is Ronnie Corbett! Why would she be wearing a tuxedo?

She might be a lesbian.

And why would I lose my virginity to a lesbian?

I don't know, she might have turned lesbian after you slept with her.

Thank you to my partner, once again thank you, thank you all.

Well, I can never win a BAFTA as long as I live.

-Why? -I don't wanna go into it.

This is a shitty night. Can't get any worse though.

I'd just like to say to Andy Millman...

I may be boring,

but at least I didn't lose my virginity when I was twenty eight,

to a woman who looks like Ronnie fucking Corbett.

Prick!

No explanations needed!

What's up next? Hue Weldon award for "Specialist Factual", brilliant.

EXTRAS

End of episode 10

-Can we get a cab? -No, we'll walk.

Joking... If we sell the dress, we could get a limo.

- Can I get an autograph, please? -Sure. What's your name?

It's Paul.