Original subtitles

EXTRAS Episode 9

-Oh, I don't like the sound of that. -What's up with you?

There's a story here about the Brazilian rowing team.

They were practicing on Amazon and it's full of piranha fish.

They capsized. Says in paper they were in danger of having their cox eaten.

Why would piranhas go for the cox first?

It doesn't mean what you think.

The cox is the little fella who sits at back of boat shouting "stroke".

If I were a piranha I'd draw the line at eating cox.

It doesn't mean their... You don't get it, do you?

-I don't get it. -I know you don't get it.

Why what would you go for first if you were a piranha?

I'd probably just have a bag of crisps.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

He'd, he'd definitely be interested in a film, yeah. Who, who else is in it?

The fella who played who? Harry Potter? I've never heard of him.

Little magical kid with glasses? You know Andy's in his forties, do you?

They've got someone for him. And how much would you be paying him ?

You got more money than sense mate. No, I am his agent, yeah.

I met a bloke once who said he'd love to take me up the Amazon.

-What did you say? -Alright, as long as you're paying.

-What did he say? -He was a bit shocked, to be honest.

But not as shocked as when I told him I'd only do it

if we could take lots of photos to show me mum.

Oh I've finished.

Knockerty, knock, knock. Hello. Alright?

Great show, brilliant show tonight, very, very funny.

Yeah, what was your favourite bit? You didn't watch it, did you?

It's not my cup of tea to be honest. It's not my thing, I can't get with it.

I'd like to talk some business. How do you fancy three days with Billie Piper?

-Three days with Billie Piper? -Good money, you'd be in and out.

-What are you talking about? -Little magical kid with glasses.

-Do you mean Harry Potter? -Yes. Who did I say?

-Billie Piper. -Now I've heard of him, who's he?

She. She's an actress. She's in "Doctor Who". Do you watch television?

I have just bought myself a brand new 52 inch plasma tv set.

52" that's way too big for your flat.

It is too big, I don't know what I was thinking. It's too bright.

I was wiring it up and David Dickinson came on

and his tan nearly took me eyeballs out. I was, I'm all over the place.

I've got it in the box now, I'm just watching a little portable.

-You don't wanna buy a tv, do you? -How much did you pay for it?

-Three and half grand. -What would you sell it to me for?

-Three and half grand, face value. -No, I'd just go buy a new one.

You've got to give me a discount, it's second hand. Fifteen hundred quid.

That's an insult. I'd rather smash it up than give it to you for fifteen hundred.

All right, this project, go on.

Big British movie, lots of stars, Dame Diana Rigg's in it.

I know you want to get into movies, so this could be a good in.

I said, will he still get paid even if his performance is crap.

-They said yes, so it's win-win for us. -You didn't ask them that!

I was worried that if you got the gig and they saw the sitcom,

they might fire you, you know. But they've already seen the show.

They've seen it? Because they're in the business and they watch television.

-I wonder if they want to buy a tv. -Don't ask them that.

Call 'em and tell 'em I'm interested. And get Maggie some extra work on it,

I don't want to spend three days with loads of actors I don't know.

-Well I'll call them later. -No, call them now.

I'll call them outside. I don't want to call 'em in front of you...

Don't ask them if they want to buy your telly.

-I might as well do it in here then. -Ridiculous!

-So what scene are we starting with? -1/41.

-This is Warwick. -Hi! Nice to meet you.

-Same. This is my fiancée Claire. -Hi!

-So er, do you know your lines? -I've only got two, but...

-Are you sure all this food's free? -Yes. This is my agent.

-Darren Lamb, nice to meet you. -Hi!

-This is Warwick. -Where?

-There. -Oh, midget. Hello!

-Babe, I'm going to get some coffees. -Alright.

-What was your name, sorry? -It's Warwick.

Funny little name as well to match.

Sorry Andy, can I just show you where you're going to be standing?

-Yes. -It won't take a second.

-Are those your own clothes? -No.

Where'd you get your normal clothes from? I mean, what are they?

Or are they toy clothes? How does it work? Like your shoes for instance...

Would they be like a little toy bear's booties?

Would you have a pair of these for yourself?

No. There are specialist shops. And I do a lot of internet shopping.

That makes sense. Could I fit in your house? How would it work?

-What have you been talking about? -About the internet and stuff...

This would be a laugh. Imagine if I followed him to his tiny little house

and as he goes up to bed right I just put my face up against the window

just like Godzilla, or reaching in through the window like King Kong...

What are you doing? Why are you still here?

-Well, we've got to learn our lines. -Alright, see you later!

-Agent. -Idiot.

Woodelf, why do you cry?

Blow as I might, my flute makes no sound.

Without my music, the birds cannot sing their morning song.

May I take a look?

Certainly, but I don't know what a boy can do,

especially one dressed so strangely.

Try it now...

Oh! Sweet music is born again.

But I am curious, how did you know you'd need such an implement?

Always be prepared!

-Ok, cut there thank you. -Can I get a drink of water please?

-You married? -Yes.

That don't stop me... A ring don't mean a thing.

-This chair free? -Yeah.

-How you doing? -Okay.

God, have I still got these on? I don't need these. They're for the character.

Even if I did need glasses in real life you know, I, I never read.

Right.

-What? -Fags!

Yeah. You smoke do you?

-Oh yeah, just a little bit yeah. You? -No.

No, no, no, good girl, good girl, very wise. I've gotta cut down really.

-I've done it with a girl. -What?

I've done it with a girl. Intercourse. So if you're looking for...

-Daniel? -It's my mum, say they're your fags.

-What you doing? -Nothing. She's trying to give me fags.

What? No I'm not!

You should know better, you're old enough to be his mother.

Yeah and she was trying to have it off with me.

Oh well course she was, you're bloody gorgeous. Come on you!

-Makes me sick. -What?

These showbiz dwarves who use their powers

to get women out of their league.

-Who, Warwick? -No, Paul Daniels.

If she's into short men you could be in with a chance.

-I'm not short. -Yeah you are.

-No I'm not, 5 foot 8, average height. -Average in your day.

-My day? Born in the 60's. -Early 60's.

-Quite early, yeah. -1960?

-No. -'61? That'll be why you didn't grow.

All the powdered egg and the rationing and everything.

-That was the war. -You've got a small man complex.

What's that?

You're bad tempered, you want power and people to respect you

like that little famous person. What's his name? Begins with an "N".

-Napoleon. -Noel Edmonds.

I'm not short, I'm average height, and that's the...

I can see how it is upsetting. There's him. He's smaller than you are...

He is getting all these attractive and beautiful women and...

-But you're getting nothing. -No way. I'm getting them.

The one that looked like Ronnie Corbett, we know why you went for her.

-Why? -Cause she could look you in the eye.

Not a competition. It's not like she saw us both and picked the short one.

-Is that you or him? -Him!

See! There's the temper.

If she'd have met us at the same time, we don't know who she'd have chosen,

-I think I know who she'd have chosen. -Who?

Eh? No, I'm not gonna say because it will sound arrogant.

If she was single and she'd have met us both...

-Tell me. -Just think!

-I'm thinking. -Keep your own thoughts.

-It's really stodgy, isn't it? -Honestly, I'm sick of this.

Can we go somewhere nice tonight? My treat, but a proper restaurant.

-Hey gang, what we doing? -Just been eating.

Sweet. Look, thanks for covering my arse earlier, the offer still stands.

-What offer? -You know...

-I'm just gonna go and get a drink. -I'll have a cup of tea.

-Get me a bourbon. -Just teas and coffees and things...

Then get me a cup of joe. Strong. I don't like the weak shit.

When she comes back, make some excuse and leave us alone, will you?

What you got planned?

-You, you've unravelled it. -Ready for action.

Just hope it's big enough.

-Can I have my Johnny back? -May I have my Johnny back.

-May I have my Johnny back? -Please.

-Yeah. -It's not called a Johnny though is it?

-Durex. -That's a brand name.

May I have back my prophylactic or sheath?

-May I have my prophaleck? -Tic.

-Can I, can I have it please? -Yes.

-Haven't you forgotten something? -Thank you, Dame Diana.

-Still gonna use it yeah? -Yeah, that'll be fine.

Lucky girl!

-You're getting married to... -Yeah.

-Yeah. That's really nice of you. -It's "really nice" of me?

Me and my friend Andy Millman were talking and he was surprised

that you'd chosen someone like Warwick over someone like him.

Do you only like small people?

Don't like him 'cause he's small, I like him because he has a nice personality.

Good, because Andy was just saying that if you didn't mind someone

who's a little bit taller then he's up for it.

Sorry, so your friend is so arrogant he thinks he just has to give the word

and I would immediately leave my fiancée for him because he's taller?

-You understand how offensive that is? -Yeah, it's a bit out of order isn't it?

It is out of order.

-He shouldn't really have said that. -No, he shouldn't have said that.

-This is alright, isn't it? -Share the wealth.

-Yes! -That kid's doing my head in though.

-Lovely place though a bit depressing. -Why?

Well here I am with you in a nice place instead of a proper man.

-None taken. -No, I mean like on a date.

The only person with money that finds me attractive is a teenage boy.

Could be worse, he's a film star, he's got his own condom...

-What? -Nothing.

Hi! I know this isn't really... Could I please get your autograph?

-Yeah. Sure. Who's it to? -To Emma.

You can do me a favour. Can you tell that woman to shut her kid up?

-It's doing my head in, cheers. -Thanks!

I'll never get used to that.

Why does someone want your name on a piece of paper?

She's told them it's you! She's coming over!

I understand you have a problem with me bringing my son into a restaurant?

-If he's like that, yes. -Andy!

-What do you mean, "like that"? -Well, why should we be burdened?

Just because you're on TV you think you can order the rest of the world ?

It's nothing to do with that, but if he's gonna make that sort of noise...

-Well that's not my fault is it? -It is. You decided to have him.

-Of course I decided to have him. -Andy...

You'll be pleased to know we're about to leave anyway so...

I hope you have a wonderful evening

and that you realize you're a horrible little man.

-I didn't realise! -I was trying to tell you.

-Why didn't you say something? -I was trying to tell you!

Andy, how's it going, mate? Paul, want to clear up all this nonsense

about you having a go at Down's syndrome people. A woman said

you were having a go at her kid who's all Down's.

Are you a journalist?

Freelance, trying to get the truth out there. So, what happened?

The Down's syndrome's making a racket, you tell him to shut up...

-I didn't tell anyone to shut up. -Political correctness gone mad.

You can't say what you think anymore.

-Is that yes? -I didn't know he had Down's.

So you're in a restaurant with your girlfriend...

-She's not my girlfriend. -She's a girl and she's your friend.

Well, why put girlfriend if she's not my girlfriend?

And you're in there and you heard a noise and it was driving you mad?

He was making a noise and I got a little...

Mad? You got mad? The mad kid was driving you mad?

-No, I wouldn't say that. -Can't say he's mad nowadays.

Can you make it clear I didn't know he was Down's syndrome.

-Are you actually writing anything? -Yeah.

So you complained, the mum came over, she went nuts?

-Well, she was agitated because... -She was "madder than her son"?

-Well I wouldn't say that, no. -She was going mental?

-You can't say anything nowadays. -I've got to go.

"In a shocking outburst that will stun comedy fans everywhere,"

" so-called TV funny-man Andy Millman lost his temper"

"and blasted a Downs Syndrome child for supposedly ruining his dinner"

"at a hundred pounds-a-head restaurant."

-Hundred pounds-a-head? -About eighty quid between us but...

Two hundred quid for a meal for two people! How the other half live.

"Millman had been glugging red wine with his girlfriend"

-No, I'd had one drink. -Did you glug it though?

-It says here you glugged it. -I don't know what glugging is.

-Never glug. Always sip a lovely wine. -Can we stop saying "glug"?

Maggie was drinking red wine, I had a beer.

"Millman had been glugging red wine and let off a tirade of abuse"

"at the innocent child and his stunned mother,"

"who he claimed was as mad as her son."

-I didn't say that. -Well someone did.

Maureen Wilson: "I used to be a fan of Andy's but after his torrent of hate,"

"if he thinks I'll ever watch his programme again, he's having a laugh."

She's used the old catchphrase against you. It's clever, it's witty.

As if she ever said that, as if she's making little jokes if she's that angry.

-What can we do? Can we sue? -Don't think it's worth it.

This sort of thing is tomorrow's fish and chip paper, isn't it?

Not that he's having fish and chips anymore. 200 quid for a meal!

-I didn't spend two hundred quid. -It says 230 in this one.

-Lies. -No, it does!

You're not lying, they're lying. They make stuff up, don't they?

I don't know about that.

You've never heard of a paper making stuff up? Well of course they do.

They made stuff up about you two when they said you went in

to the Eastenders bosses to beg for his job back and you're on your knees.

-They made that up. -Yep.

Yeah. Bullshit!

I guess only time will tell. Anything else?

Well let's move to this story about the actor Andy Millman.

Who's, who's he?

He's that guy, you know who does the "is he having a laugh".

He's in a restaurant and he's insulted a Down's syndrome boy.

Both mother and son are devastated. It was an unprovoked attack.

-Did he hit him? -It doesn't say.

But if he did, he deserves to be banned from television.

So have you heard about this?

TV actor Andy Millman has hit a Down's syndrome child.

Today we're asking: are celebrities out of control?

Is it one rule for us and another for the rich and famous?

Tony's on the line. What do you make of this Millman character?

It's absolutely disgusting. Excuse my French, but I think he's a shit.

No, you're excused in this case because I think you're right.

You know I don't normally tolerate foul language on the air,

but what else can you say about this piece of work?

I heard he also hit the mother, he punched her in the face.

He punched the mother? Oh my God!

Tony, thank you, that gives a whole fresh new life to the story.

Coming up: what made rising star Andy Millman punch a defenceless

Down's syndrome child and his elderly, wheelchair bound mother in the face?

Denise Robertson will be here to speculate.

Plus, Rwanda revisited. 12 years after the genocide,

a harrowing report from Big Brother 2 winner, Brian Dowling.

Andy, quick, come here, look!

What the...

It's great to clear the air. There's been a lot of speculation.

I spoke to Andy and he's explained everything to me.

He is successful now and he wanted to go to a classy restaurant,

as I'm sure you sometimes want to yourselves.

He's got some cash. He doesn't want to have to associate with riff-raff.

And why should he? So, he's gone in this posh restaurant with his friend

and there is a mother in there with her kid, who's making a bit racket

and just ruining it for everyone. Andy was furious,

because he's paying through the nose for this grub.

He complains to the mother and they get into this ruck

and the thing is he didn't realise that the kid was mentally deranged,

because he could only see him from behind.

I defy anyone to be able to identify, from behind, one of these mongoloids.

I'm sorry, a mongoloid?

If you had a bunch of people lined up over there

and one of them was a mongoloid, you couldn't possibly tell which one it was.

-I think I could. -Big words, but I don't think so.

No I'm sorry I think I could.

Can we sort that out for tomorrow, you know, just get a few in?

-I don't think we can do that, Richard. -Judy, it'll be interesting.

-It would be, it would be interesting. -Darren, thank you very much.

Before I go, do you remember Barry off EastEnders?

Yes.

He's recorded a CD in his garage and it's only available on the internet.

It's Barry singing songs from shows... He's got a lovely voice, Richard.

Good, well that's sorted that out, at least I've got my best man on it.

Yeah, can I have "The Sun" newspaper, please?

Thanks everyone. Dougie, I asked your mum what's the one thing

you'd most like in the whole world. And she said an X-box. Is that right?

-Yes. -So what have we got here then?

Good. Thank you.

Do you apologise then Andy?

It was a misunderstanding, so no apology necessary.

-The X-box is apology enough. -It's not an apology, but you know...

-And you're happy with that then? -I am, thank you!

-As a further apology... -It's not an apology.

I've been talking to Maureen and we both agree it would be appropriate

for Andy to donate to a charity of Maureen's choosing

his entire fee for the film that he's working on, after agency deductions.

Well that's very generous, it's a lovely surprise.

It is a surprise, big surprise.

Hi!

-You know me, what's your name? -My name is Claire.

Claire. You've got a lovely necklace on, Claire.

Thank you, that's very nice, thanks.

Would you fancy dinner, are you free tonight?

-Am not actually, no, I'm engaged. -What about lunch tomorrow?

No, thank you no, I won't, I won't go out for any meal with you.

-Not even brunch? -No, not even brunch.

Maggie, listen. I'm gonna cut to the chase because I respect you too much

to bullshit you. It's over, yeah?

-Sorry? -It's over between us.

I don't want tears, that's the kind of guy I am, you knew that going in.

It's better to end things now, before you fall in love with me any deeper.

You knew it wasn't forever, I said it was playtime, we had some laughs.

- I cannot be tied down to one chick. -Okay.

And I don't wanna waste this on you, got a better bird now.

Thanks for your honesty!

-Something to remember me by. -You brushed your teeth today?

-Yes! -Radcliffe!

-What have you been up to? -Nothing.

Don't lie, you've been chatting up my fiancée. She's just told me.

-Mum! -Don't call for your mum!

You were chatting up my bird so act like a man and deal with the consequences.

-I was just... -You speccy little git!

-These aren't real glasses. -You're a speccy git.

-Leave him alone, he's just a boy. -I'm 17.

-And what's this gotta do with you? -He's doing nothing, is he?

-Don't stick your big nose in, love. -Calm down!

Oh, you! I'm glad you're here 'cause you had the same idea.

I know you sent your little mate in here to do your dirty work for you,

trying to undermine me.

-What have you done? -Nothing.

You think it's okay do you, trying to steal my fiancée? You shit!

What are you doing?

-What's this ring for? -I don't know. You're a hobbit?

That one, that usually works in cartoons.

What are you doing? Mate I just don't...

No, no, no...

-Accidental knee. -What are you doing?

-A lucky shot. -What have you done?

-He was going mad at me. -Babe! Sweetheart! Warwick!

Is he not? He's breathing. Oh, it's alright, he's breathing.

Have you still got that catsuit from "The Avengers"?

Go away, Daniel!

His eyes are open? Right ok, let's move on now, come on.

That charity that you promised to give half of your film fee to...

-No, you promised that. -They're keen to get the cash.

-I was kicked off. There is no fee. -They're expecting the money though.

-We've got to give it to them. -They don't know what the fee was.

They do, 'cause I mentioned it.

I've got to give them wages I haven't even earnt?

We can just pay 'em what we owe them from the money we get for the sitcom.

-How much is it? -It'a about half...

-Half an episode? -Half the whole series.

-You insulted the kid with the... -I didn't, I didn't know he was...

You must have upset him in some way, 'cause you made it into the papers.

You've made quite a splash again. They didn't pursue the X-box angle.

-What did they go with? -"TV Bully Kicks Dwarf In Face".

Accurate. But as you say there's no such thing as bad publicity.

"Pick On Someone Your Own Size, Fatty".

-Oh maybe there is. -This is the worst one.

"Suicide Bombers Get Lotto Funding." Look at that.

-What's that got to do with me? -Nothing, it's just shocking, isn't it?

No, this is the worst one in "The Mail": "Gypsies Are Eating Our Pets."

EXTRAS

End of episode 9