Original subtitles

Right, Mr Yamaguchi's on his way up now with his lovely wife.

As you know he's thinking of investing in us. It'll be the best thing

that happened to this company since old Gladys burnt down the canteen.

She wasn't a bad cook.

Are you having a laugh? Is she having a laugh?

Oh be fair Ray, she wasn't that bad. We all loved her milky puddings.

Not when they dragged in the mash. Now I don't want you and your team

mucking things up. You've prepared the traditional Japanese cuisine?

Yes, it's here. But I'm still not sure you should have let Gobbler

organise the traditional Japanese entertainment.

Why, what's he planning? No time, here they come!

Mr Yamaguchi, hello! This is Rita and my team.

We've prepared some traditional Japanese cuisine.

Welcome, I hope you like it.

-Lovely. -Well done, Rita!

And now for your delectation may I present Gobbler and Kimberley

with some traditional Japanese entertainment.

What the f...

Ching chang chinaman milked a cow

Ching chang chinaman didn't know how

Ching chang chinaman pulled the wrong tit

Ching chang chinaman covered in shit!

I'm all done covered in shittttt!

What do you think?

Is he 'avin' a raugh?

EXTRAS

Episode 8

-It's bad. -It's not bad, is it?

It is.

No, no, bad suggests that you know, it's evil or something, you know...

It's poor, it's rubbish, it's shit... it's a shit sitcom.

It's a shit-com. Thanks very much! That's the career over.

That's what one of the reviewers said.

-Let's not joke about it. - What are the reviews like?

If I was being kind I'd say it was a mixed bag.

Let me have a look. Yeah, let me see 'em.

Bar'? Can you bring some of the reviews in?

-Why has he got 'em? -Got to do something with his mornings.

-Found another one. -Have you?

"Perhaps it's unfair to judge a sitcom on it's first episode"

"but when a TV programme makes you want to gouge out your own eyes"

"rather than watch one minute you know it's probably not your cup of tea."

-Gor, pop it in the scrap book. -No, put good ones in the scrap book.

-What, what good ones? -There's no good ones?

Best one was "The Telegraph".

-What did they say? -They didn't review it.

See you later, B.

Career s over.

No. Despite what they say, the viewing figures were really good, 6.2 million.

Six million people watched it last night and yet none of these liked it?

These people know about comedy, don't they?

They know what they're talking about, but the general public...

You said if you get your own show the offers would come flooding in.

You said the phone would never stop ringing. Have you had any phone calls?

No.

-What am I talking about? Sky called. -And?

They say they can put your dish up Thursday.

-Hello! -What you doing?

Flicking through the phone book and pointing my finger on a random page,

to see what my name could be if I wanted to change it.

-What have you got? -P.B. Grout.

-As long as you're filling your days. -C.T. Punchanaganowno.

-I don't look like a Punchanaganowno. -You hungry?

-Yeah. -Greasy spoon?

-Yeah. Where am I meeting you? -Garage, in 10 minutes?

-Yep. Do you wanna hear one more? -Go on!

T.P. Bronze.

Hi! You moving in here?

-Yeah. -Good.

-I mean, do you, do you want a hand? -No, I'm fine.

I'm Andy. I live here, obviously. I live on the 2nd floor, 21.

-Ok. I'm Cathy. -Nice to meet you!

Welcome to the building!

Thanks. It's nice to see someone under forty.

I thought I'd moved into an old peoples' home.

No, there are some oldies in there, some over forties but they're quiet.

-The old telly... Watch a lot of telly? -I don't, no, no.

No? Last night, BBC 1? No? Some good stuff on.

Okay.

Well if you need someone to show you around at all, just come and...

-Thanks, that'd be nice. -Good. Alright.

-See you later. -See you later, bye!

-Saw it last night. -And?

-Yeah... It was good. -Are you just saying that?

-No. -Too long a pause!

-If you're gonna lie, lie well. -Bits of it were funny.

-Doesn't count. You laught at anything. -What?

I found you laughing to yourself once and I said: "What you laughing at?"

-You said, "My toes." -They are funny, the way they waggle.

-It's you that's making them waggle. -Spare any change?

-Sorry, mate. -Ok, have a nice day!

-Good luck with the show, Andy! -Cheers! How does he know who I am?

Where does he watch the show, through Dixons' window?

-You've been in all the magazines. -He reads "Heat", does he?

Everybody reads Heat.

Now I'll have to start giving money to the homeless.

I don't want people to say Andy Millman hates the poor.

-But you hate everyone. -That's why it's so unfair.

Sorry but I've only got like eight p in change or a twenty.

-Just give him the twenty. -No, he said change.

Yeah, whatever. Your TV show's doing alright though, is it?

-Yeah, yeah. -Good. Pay well?

Yeah... Haven't you got anything else, you got like a quid?

You haven't got a ten and a five have you?

-'Course he doesn't, he's homeless. -I know he's homeless, I'm not blind.

Twenty for nothing. Is that the most you've ever been given?

-One bloke gave me fifty once. -That is mental!

That is, he must have been a pervert. Twenty quid though...

Considering your average is probably what, 20p or something.

I do come past here quite a lot so we'll count that as a few goes.

Can't do that everyday. Say it's three months of leaving me alone.

-Leaving you alone? -No...

Now look, if you're gonna have this attitude I don't want it.

-Take it back, don't want it. -I couldn't do that even...

What will you say to people about this?

Don't ask Andy Millman for money cause he'd give it to you begrudgingly.

Say that I offered you twenty, the second most you've ever been given

and then, then I insulted you and, and you made me take it back.

But mention the twenty in any anecdote slagging me off.

Just take it, just take it, it's fine.

-Fine. Nice aftershave by the way. -Cheers!

-What is it? -Calvin Klein.

-Apparently Vernon Kay uses that. -Ok, cheers.

Why are we walking back this way? This is the way we came.

Now I've got to walk past him again.

See you later!

-Walked too fast. -You did?

Yeah. She's moving into my block,

I spoke to her earlier, I think there's a bit of a vibe.

I'm gonna go and talk to her, you come over ok, just ask for an autograph.

And say something like "I think you're the most amazing actor on TV".

You're already using your new powers for evil.

-You've got to use what you can. -Fair enough.

-Hello. Need any help yet? -Thank you.

-A big strong man's just what I need. -Will I do?

Yeah!

-Excuse me, are you Andy Millman? -Yeah.

Star of the new sitcom "When The Whistle Blows"?

-Yeah. -Can I get your autograph please?

-No worries. Who's it to? -Me.

-But I don't know your name, do I? -Maggie.

Maggie...

I think you're the most amazing comedy actor on television!

Not "amazing"!

But that's what you told me to say.

Did he ask you to come over and say that?

-I don't know. -What? If he asked you to say that?

-No, I don't know. -Are you friends?

-Are we friends? -Yeah.

-Unlikely. -Well, we have met.

Have we? Oh yeah, I didn't... You changed your...

You weren't... I didn't realise...

Those aren't gonna move themselves.

See ya later!

-Andy, am I coming with you? -Yes.

-You still thinking about the reviews? -Yes, the terrible, terrible reviews.

-Think about the good ones. -What am I gonna do now?

I'll just spend years and years trying to claw back credibility

by just popping up in bad films and charity events, begging forgiveness.

They'd forgive you if you did "Celebrity Fit Club".

-Brilliant, what else could I do? -There's "Celebrity Love Island".

Why? When I watched it, I was praying for a tsunami.

Do you wanna just go to the pub?

Yeah. That's the beginning, depressed TV star drinks himself to death.

Don't be daft. You're not a star. Being fat'll kill you before the drink does.

Are you sure you can come ? Not working at The Samaritans tonight?

-No. -No? Ok, pub it is then.

Who would you rather fight and have a decent chance of winning:

a big fat hairy silver-backed gorilla or a Thompson's gazelle?

-Well the gazelle. -You'd have to catch it first.

No. I turned up for the fight, it ran away, I win. Not my problem.

Now don't look at me like that. Little bit of good news here.

Scouring the Internet we found a glowing review of your sitcom.

-Really? -Listen to this.

"This charming story of lovable, larger-than-life characters"

"will please all the family. This is a delightful woodland romp"

"with many of the best scenes featuring a roly-poly toad."

Give me that!

-It's a review of "Wind In The Willows". -What's yours called then?

-"When The Wind Blows" is his. -Whistle!

I said that was a picture of a frog, didn't I, and not...

-But it's got the same throat. -I know, yeah.

You can see where we went wrong, yeah.

-I'm gonna get a drink. -Have a look.

-He's a ringer. -Yeah, except he's green.

-Who, Andy or... -The frog.

-God, it s you. -Hi!

-Love it. What you doing here? -Just having a drink.

So are we. Amazing. Do you live near here or...

-Yeah. -Where?

-Just round... -What street?

-Well it doesn't matter. Just locally. -I love your show.

Oh good, cheers.

The wig, the glasses, the catchphrase. Brilliant.

-Thanks. -Everything about it.

The wig. The glasses. The catchphrase. Brilliant.

-That's becoming a catchphrase itself. -Yeah. Oh the wig.

-The glasses. -And the catchphrase.

-Brilliant? -Yeah. Can I take a picture?

-You got a wig with you? -No.

Do the face then. Do the face!

Look at that! It works even without the wig or the glasses.

-Can you do the catchphrase? -I'd rather not.

-Do the catchphrase. -No, it's just a bit...

Do the catchphrase. Just do the catchphrase.

-Ok, ok. Are you having a laugh? -Do it properly.

"Are you having a laugh? Is he having laugh?"

-I love everything about it. -Cheers!

The wig, the glasses, the catchphrase. Can I call my mate Pete?

-Why not... -Oh, he'll love this.

You can't call the barman as well can you?

I haven't got his number.

Pete, what's your favourite catchphrase? He's only here.

-Yeahhh, speak to him. -I can't.

Speak to him. Just speak to him!

Pete, how you been mate? Yeah? He likes that as well.

No, I haven t got the wig on me.

Pete, I've got to go mate because life's too short. Ok? Yeah, see ya.

That was actually him, yeah. Come down!

Bring Ralph and Walnut. And tell Count Fuckula. Yeah, he loves him.

I've got to go. Quick, Jilly!

-Forget it, drink up. We're going. -Why?

I've just been spotted by something from "The Hills Have Eyes".

Hello!

Hello, mate, how's it going? Darren Lamb, agent. Nice to meet you.

-This is my girlfriend Jilly. -Hello, Jilly!

-Oh, I recognise you. -Yes, possibly.

-You did my mum's guttering? -Maybe. Where does she live?

Arundall Court, opposite the BP garage.

-How much did you get paid for that? -Not much.

It was two hundred quid. He did great and mum gave him a 20 pound tip.

-Two hundred and twenty quid? -I don't have to tell you everything.

Right, although I notice you're happy to tell me

when you're sleeping in your car and you need somewhere to have a bath.

You're supposed to be my agent for acting, not bloody artexxing.

Rumbled! Rumbled! He said guttering. Now it s artexxing!

What else are you keeping from me? This is scandalous, Barry!

-You're such a slap in the face. -Do you do roofing?

-You need some roofing done? -It's too dangerous, I'm not...

You're turning down work now? It seems that beggars can be choosers.

My mistake, unbelievable! Right, how much was it? Two twenty?

-Right you owe me 27.50. -Can I give you a cheque?

If you must, yeah. Unbelievable!

If you like his show you'll love this. Just regular, turn it up the other way.

-Boobs. -It's good, isn't it?

-How do you do that? -It's just numbers.

-What numbers? -58008. Have a look!

-Boobs. Jilly, look. 58008. -Let me have a wee look!

Boobs.

-You wanna get used to this, mate. -It's doing my head in.

I know, they see you on telly and they all wanna be your best mate.

When I was on EastEnders we used to go to a place called Castro's,

it's quiet and they treat you well if they recognise you.

-Let's go there. -Yeah, alright. Here!

-Boing! -Yeah, if it does whose fault's that?

Let's not start talking about business in front of a couple of nobodies.

No disrespect! I'm already annoyed with you, giving it backchat.

Give me your number, we'll meet up again. Yeah. Don't touch me!

Excuse me. I used to come here a lot a few years ago...

-Greg's in here. -You don't have to speak to him.

Yeah, like he's not gonna come over and gloat. Big, fat, smug face.

-It's fine, you just got to sign in. -Ok.

Hello! Look who it is. Hi. Welcome. Enjoyed the show last night.

Mark, can you get Mr Millman to the VIP area please.

-Thanks very much. -No need to sign in, that's fine.

-Cheers. Thanks. -Thank you!

-Ahhh, Andy Millman... -Can't stop. Going to the VIP area.

That's mine. Take a seat.

-More like it. Thanks very much. -Can I get you anything to drink?

-Some champagne? -Yeah!

-Can we get a bottle of champagne? -No problem.

Finally, a little bit of respect.

Oh God, David Bowie. Oh my God.

Unbelievable. Don't look.

-I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. -You just put us here.

-David Bowie's here. -I know, but it's really embarrassing.

-Quick sit down? -Yes and back into it.

-How's it going? -Brilliant, you?

Excellent. Doing Chekhov at the Wyndham,

just been nominated for an Olivier award, so...

-How's your sitcom going? -Brilliant, ratings are brilliant.

-The reviews were very, very harsh. -Don't read reviews. Don't bother.

I think I've got one here actually. Sorry, can you just hold that?

-Been meaning to throw it away. -Throw it away then!

"When The Whistle Blows".

As I watched this abysmal time-warp comedy, I found myself

expecting someone to shout "I'm free" and for Andy Millman to exclaim:

"Betty, the cat's just shat out the worst sitcom of all time."

Don't really care about his opinion.

If I want an opinion it won't be a snotty little reviewer,

it'll be the people that count, the man on the street.

-He gave him twenty quid earlier. -Not that specific man.

If you wanna chase ratings, great. I'd rather win the respect of my peers.

Both, get both. Anyway, always nice to see you mate.

"You having a laugh?"

-Sitcom's shit mate. -He's changed his tune.

-The man on the street - so fickle. -No, he didn t have a bald head.

-No, not that specific man. -Does that, does that happen a lot?

-No, never. It's all good usually. -The public's not having a laugh.

-Well they are. -It's just rude. Private conversation.

-To say that. -He's a little ant to me.

Don't look round right, there's a couple of birds over there without drinks.

-I think you know what to do. -Oh yes. Excuse me...

There s a couple of girls over there not drinking.

Tell them to either buy something or get out.

No, sorry, that's a mistake. We could buy them the drinks.

I thought you were worried that they're costing him money.

-Why would that concern me? -The man's running a business.

-The overheads are extortionate. -He makes a lot of money on food.

20 pubs a day closing down in this country, due to people like that.

You're suddenly an expert ? Why is it your concern?

Leave it.

Ladies, excuse us. Darren Lamb, agent to the tv actor Andy Millman,

star of the sitcom "When The Wind Blows".

-Whistle. -Yes, thanks. Remember him?

-Barry, of EastEnders? -Hello!

-Oh yeah, how's it going? -Not so good, actually.

Let's not talk about that now, Barry. The sorts like this are up for it.

What do you mean, up for it?

No guys with you, you meet a couple of players like us...

-Who wants Barry of EastEnders? -Em, neither of us.

-You're out in the cold, mate. -Story of my life...

Wait, I'm still in the frame. Who wants Barry to walk her home,

while the other one comes home with me?

-Neither of us. -Ok, final scenario.

Neither of you are interested in Barry so I choose the fit one. No disrespect!

We go to my place. Barry keeps you talking whilst you and I get down to it.

Ten minutes tops, I swear! Then you get a cab fare home,

anywhere you wanna go, up to say a maximum value of fifteen pounds.

Or you could walk home, pocket the cash, you've made a sweet profit.

-It's up to you. -No.

No? Alright, Bar, forget it mate. Always know when to cut your losses, let's go.

I mean, he was actually a qualified surgeon, if I'm not wrong.

And he used to sing in the operating theatre.

That's where he got his first start. One of the patients he was operating on

was an A&R man from Decca Records.

Can we? I m getting a bit of hassle out here, can I just pop myself down there?

Not really, this is the VIP section. Step away from the rope, sir!

-I know, I was a VIP a minute ago! -Sorry... Step away from the rope.

C'mon. I've got more in common with David Bowie than this rabble.

-How do you work that out? -We're both entertainers.

I don't think you can equate yourself to David Bowie,

he's one of the seminal artists of the last 35 years.

Whereas you've just made a camp, catchphrase-based comedy.

-Just got a bad review off a bouncer. -No, I just know what I like.

Yeah? Do you like money? Do you like money? Twenty quid.

You're trying to bribe me to sit next to David Bowie now?

I'm giving you twenty quid to sit there in those spare seats.

-No. -Fifty?

-Fifty quid? -Yeah.

Let's see it.

-Got a ten? I've only got twenties. -No.

-Well, it's either forty or sixty then. -Well sixty then.

That's for both of us.

Go and get a drink. I haven't got any money now.

-Hey, what are you doing in there? -It's the VIP area.

Can we come in? We're getting no action out here.

You re on your own, not made of money.

It s the same seat! It s actually the same seat for sixty quid!

You paid sixty quid to go in here? You should've let me negotiate.

They can still see me! There should be an actual barrier or something.

Let's go and sit next to David Bowie, he's not getting any hassle.

-You can't just sit next to him. -We'll just go and speak to him.

Excuse me, Mr Bowie, can I just say that we're both very big fans.

-Can't hear you love, come over here. -Go on, go on!

Budge up a bit Linda. Thank you.

-Hi. -Hi!

I was just saying that I'm an entertainer too.

-Oh yeah, erm, what do you do? -I'm in a sitcom.

It's called "When The Whistle Blows", have you seen it?

-I haven't, no. Is it any good? -No, it's shit.

-Oh, just, riff-raff everywhere. -Not going down too well, eh?

It's getting six million viewers. It's not exactly how I meant it to be

because the BBC have interfered and sort of chased ratings

and made it lowest common denominator sort of comedy.

Catchphrases and wigs... And I think I've sold out to be honest but...

It's difficult to keep your integrity when you're going for that first...

-"Little fat man who sold his soul." -The little...

"Little fat man who sold his dream... Chubby little loser."

"Chubby little loser, national joke."

-No, not, not chubby little loser. -No.

"Pathetic little fat man, no one's bloody laughing"

"The clown that no one laughs at They all just wish he'd die"

"He's so depressed at being useless The fat man takes his own life"

"He's so depressed at being hated, fatty takes his own life."

-Fatty, fatso? -Fatso. I like fatso.

Yeah, let's go with fatso.

"Fatso takes his own life, he blows his bloated face off"

No. "He blows his stupid brains out".

-But the twat'd probably miss! -Yes, Linda, I like that!

Yes, so do I, it's brilliant, Linda.

"He sold his soul for a shot at fame"

"Catchphrase and wig and the jokes are lame."

"He's got no style, he's got no grace He's banal and facile"

"He's a fat waste of space".

Yeah, yeah, everybody sing that last line. One, two three.

"He's banal and facile, He's a fat waste of space".

"...see his pug-nosed face..."

Again.

"The little fat man with the pug-nosed face."

"He's a little fat man, pug-nosed face."

-What did you have for tea? -Turkey.

-What else? -Turkey, just turkey.

-You can't have just turkey. -Turkey sandwiches.

Hi, a pint of Fosters and a dry white wine please.

Five eighty? Are you having a laugh?

It's him! It's Andy Millman!

-Alright, how's it going? -This is Ralph. And Walnut...

-And this is Count Fuckula. -Alright. Why do they call you that?

'Cause if I see something I've got to fuck it. I never stop.

He never stops!

-Get a picture, get a picture. -I don't get it.

It's Gobbler!

EXTRAS

End of episode 8