Original subtitles

What's on your mind? Seriously, talk to me.

Why am I not getting any acting roles?

I'm glad you brought it up. I think it could be your shape.

It's very unusual and I'm not sure who would be looking for it.

-Could you do a bit more exercise? -Could you do a bit more work?

We can banter all you like,

but if you insist on remaining a blob you could maybe at least get a tan?

They want a fat bloke with a tan? For Oliver Stone's story of Buddha?

Before I get up and walk out of here, possibly forever,

have you got anything for me at all?

Loads of stuff. Do you fancy panto in Guildford with Les Dennis?

No.

-What, that's it? -Yeah.

-You said there was loads of stuff. -I thought you'd go with that one.

-What's the role? -The part of the Genie in "Aladdin".

-They're happy with a fat bloke... -With a tan ideally.

EXTRAS Episode 4

-Andy Millman, this is Les Dennis. -Hi I know you who are.

-Good to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

-Andy is playing our Genie. -No. Really?

-Could Chris Biggins not do it? -He was busy.

Biggins was busy? That's a nightmare.

-John Thompson off "Cold Feet"? -He was available.

He screwed up the audition, was very nervous.

He can get nervous, that's a shame.

If you're interested in a famous face, I represent Barry from "EastEnders".

Not for this part. It's too late. This part's taken!

What about Jono Coleman?

Since he did "Celebrity Fit Club", he's just not fat enough.

-I've got Barry on the phone now... -The vacancy's filled.

-Remember you took 12,5 %! -This should have been sorted.

No one on the list was available?

No, in the end we were running out of time and we just got desperate...

Fantastic!

Andy, can I introduce you to this gorgeous creature?

This is Simone. Show him your engagement ring.

Cost a fortune. Didn't want you seeing her and thinking:

"I'll make that stunner mine". Hands off, she's taken!

Silly! I'm going to have to get going then sweetheart, okay?

See you later. Nice to meet you.

Bye, darling.

Save it for later.

Which comedian is going to land on his feet

and get his end away with an absolute cracker? Les Dennis!

Well done.

It's about time I had a bit of good luck isn't it?

The stuff that's happened to me, been in the papers.

-I don't know. -You do.

Did you watch me on "Celebrity Big Brother"?

It might have been entertaining for you, but I was at my lowest ebb.

I remember I was sitting there thinking: "what's the point?"

I've never told anybody this before. I even considered suicide.

I'm going to end it. I'll do it live on telly, that will show them!

As I was thinking about it, Melinda Messenger came in,

lovely girl and she was chatting away.

-Took your mind off it? -Yes. I was looking at her tits.

Lovely. And I was thinking: "look at them, life is worth living after all!"

I'd seen them loads of times in the papers and on the telly,

but when you're face to face with them you go: "yeah, well done!".

That's a lovely story.

"Heat Magazine".

Do you deal with the celebrity spotted section?

Can do. Who have you seen?

I just spotted the comedian, impressionist and actor Les Dennis.

-He was shopping in New Bond Street. -Doubt he can afford much round there.

I just saw him and he was spending a load of cash, so put that in.

I just wanted to introduce you to my friend Maggie.

-Pleased to meet you. -Nice to meet you too.

-You and this reprobate are an item? -Christ, no!

I was just here visiting him. It's the first time he's treaded the boards.

Theatre... The stories I could tell you.

It's where it all started for me, great to be back.

Things have changed a bit.

There was a time when I wouldn't have had to share a dressing room.

Back in the day I'd have had two dressing rooms:

one for me and one for all the cards and flowers from all the well wishers.

Don't need a whole dressing room for those three, do you?

What were you doing? You said you had to...

-You had to do something, you said. -Got to go to the post office.

-See you later! -Really nice to meet you. Bye.

One and two, three and four, five, six, seven, eight...

Stop. You're missing something.

What is it? What am I looking for?

I know.

-Somebody else. Yes. -110%?

You should be giving me 110% all the time, but no...

What am I looking for?

-T and T. -Correct. And what is T & T?

Come up here and show them. T & T. Tits and teeth, yes.

And before any of you have me up on sexism charges,

do not forget this is my daughter. That is alright, one more time...

I know that girl.

Hold on, his daughter? But he's definitely gay.

-He can't be if he's got a daughter. -Oscar Wilde was married with 2 kids.

-He couldn't have been gay. -Oscar Wilde?

I've got to stop hanging around with you.

I do know her.

-Hi! -Hi you!

Maggie. Do you remember me, Lizzie Bunton?

Daddy, we worked on that BBC kids show together the Orphans of

-Penny-farthing Lane. -Brilliant that.

Daddy, this is my friend Maggie, we worked on "Orphans" together.

Hello, nice to meet you! Ian Bunton, everyone calls me Bunny.

-Already started your lunch... -It's a banana.

Food, glorious food, hot sausage and mustard!

While we're in the mood, cold jelly and custard!

-No.Custard. -Custard.

-No come on,custard! -Custard.

-Don't worry about it. -No, come on.

-Custard. -Custard.

There see? If something's worth doing, it's worth doing correctly.

-I'll catch up with you later. -Definitely.

-Bye, bye. -Cheers.

-Where have you been hiding her? -She's really lovely.

-But she's a wee bit mental. -Of course, her dad's a gay.

He can't be gay.

Smarties. Yum, yum, yum!

-Les, you alright, mate? -Hi you!

-What have you got in your bag? -It's the local paper.

There's a little article in here. Hi, darling! Listen:

Family Fortunes loser Les Dennis,

is on the come back trail thanks to a starring role in "Aladdin".

Things are looking up for Les, 50,

who announced his engagement to beautiful fiancé Simone Lewis, 26.

With an age gap of a quarter of a century,

he is punching above his weight again, but insists they are in love.

-Marriage, faithfulness... -Wanna get some lunch?

-I promised I'd meet a friend. -A friend!

Do you want some money? Fifty ok?

Bit much for lunch isn't it?

-Alone again? -Yes.

-Do you want to get some lunch? -I've already eaten.

But I'll come for a coffee with you.

Course I will. If that's what you want.

Thanks.

Come on, what shall we have?

-Maggie! -Hello, it's you!

I'm trying to find my way out of here, it's like a maze.

This is my dressing room. I share it with the other girls in the chorus.

-Where are they? -I think they've all gone to lunch.

Sometimes they forget to invite me.

-What are you doing on Sunday? -This Sunday?

-You're coming to my party... -My sister might be...

It's going to be my birthday and I'm having a party. I'm going to be 29.

It's very important and I'm inviting my very best friends, like you.

It's going to be brilliant. My parties are always great.

Please come. There will be entertainment there and everything.

-Please, please... -I'm just thinking...

-You must... -Okay then.

Brilliant. Let me just check with Daddy that that's okay.

-Do not come in! -Daddy, it's Lizzie.

I won't be a minute. Do not come in. I'm just finishing up a meeting.

We've finished. This is an old friend, bye Paul.

Daddy, can Maggie come to my party please?

Of course, dear. The little bastard's pinched my watch.

-He's nicked your watch? -It's fine...

Call the police.

Do not call the police and don't tell your mother, she'll only worry!

That happened before, didn't it? With your mobile phone?

-The crime rate's through the roof. -Yes.

-You alright? -Yeah.

Cheer up! Turn that frown upside down.

-What's the matter? -Nothing.

-You look a bit down. -No, I'm fine.

If you're worried about the audiences,

they'll pick up as we get towards Christmas.

We've got the press into tonight, they will rave about it. It's a good show.

Can I ask your opinion on something? What do you make of Simone?

-She's fine. -Beautiful girl, isn't she?

-I'm very lucky. -You are. When is the wedding?

-We're thinking June, July. -Summer wedding.

That will be good if it... when it happens. Congratulations again.

Cheers, mate!

-I can't marry her. -Why, what have you heard?

-Nothing. What do you mean? -No what did you say?

I've been doing a bit of thinking and I just think it's not fair.

-Don't get me wrong. -Funny little thing...

Nothing wrong physically and the sex is extraordinary.

-Some of the stuff she dreams up. -What is that for?

She likes to video us and we watch it back together.

Sometimes I can't believe it's my arse going up and down.

-I get excited thinking about it. -Think about something else.

It will break her heart, but now I'm back on the up and up.

This is just the beginning. I'll be in the media spotlight again.

I can't put her through that. She's young. She can't take that pressure.

Who knows what this will lead to. More TV maybe even Hollywood.

It's better letting her go now before she falls in love with me any deeper.

I think you're making the right decision

and I'm so glad you said this. It's a weight off my mind.

I saw her getting off with the stage hand.That's who she's with now.

I wasn't going to say anything.

But you were going to finish it anyway.

You're not upset, are you?

The house is open, gentlemen.

Sorry.

Les, cover it up, mate!

I'll shut the door.

Look, Wishy, what's this? It looks like the magic lamp.

-What do you think I should do? -Just leave it here.

What do you think? Should I just leave it here or should I give it a rub?

-Give it a rub. -What? Can't hear you?

-Rub it. -Rub it?

If you say so, I'll rub it. Here goes.

-Blimey, what a big poof! -Cheeky!

-Who are you? -I'll be anyone you want me to be.

But you can call me Genie.

How does somebody as big as you fit into this tiny lamp?

I'm used to squeezing myself into tight holes.

-No pain, no gain. -Can you help us?

-The evil Abunaza is after us. -What makes you think that?

We heard him say he wants to get Aladdin.

Don't we all?

-Abunaza has a glorious ring. -I know the line.

What's the point though? They don't care, look at them!

-You lot enjoying yourselves? -Yes.

Tell your faces. And maybe some of your friends as well, get them along.

The empty seats aren't laughing much, are they?

-Get on with it. -You bloody get on with it. Ignorant.

How many of you are thinking of leaving at half time?

Even less people here.Even more embarrassing for those that stayed.

-Where do you want to go from? -How about 1992?

No, where do you want to go from in the script?

I don't know, just do some more of the queer shit. Let's just get through it!

I've been in that lamp so long I'm bent out of all recognition.

Come in, look at you!

-Everyone, this is Maggie. -Hello, Maggie!

You know dad. That's Maureen and John and Barbara and Len.

That's Nana.

We're just waiting for Frank and Jean. They said they'd be here by 8.

-What time is it, dear? -About eight.

Irene, fetch the Glade, Nana's let off again.

Sit next to Nana!

-Hello, dear! -Hi!

-There you go. -Thanks.

-Thanks for doing this tonight. -It's not a chore.

I was scared to be alone, worried about what I might do on my own.

You're not alone.

We asked a hundred people: "will Les Dennis ever hang on to a bird?".

Our survey said... We asked a hundred people:

"Do you want to go out tonight and watch Les Dennis in panto?"

Why don't people want to see Les Dennis?

-They do. -Why don't twice as many?

Because you're competing with a lot these days: Internet, DVD's...

Where did it all go wrong?

Can I ask you something? You're a comedian right?

I haven't seen you make a joke for five years.

What do you mean?

When you're on telly and stuff, on chat shows...

You're talking to the chickens, but you're moaning about stuff.

-It's the way they cut it. -Make a joke about it.

What was that impression you used to do?

-I did loads. -What was it?

-Mavis Riley, Coronation Street. -Do that.

-I'm not doing that. -Do it. Go on!

-I don't really know. -That's great.

I know, it is good.

You need another one, she hasn't been on telly for 15 years, but good.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm famous

for more than a Mavis Riley impression and "Family Fortunes".

I am famous for other things. The "Les Dennis Laughter Show".

-"Russ Abbot's Madhouse". -Were you in that?

You don't remember. Nobody remembers.

That's why I'm in a shitty panto.

The only people laughing were a bunch of gays.

-Nothing wrong with gays. -Yeah. But they'll laugh at anything.

-Look at that Graham Norton. -He's alright isn't he?

Is this funny? "Look at this website about cocks and fannies!"

"Jackie Collins, what lovely tits! Do you like a cock up your arse?"

-Is that funny? -It is quite funny when you do it.

-But keep it down, we're in a pub. -I wanna do something more high brow.

-Oscar Wilde or something. -He was gay.

I know, but he was clever. Would this have been funny?

Him going through customs: "I have nothing to declare, but my genius."

"And it's vibrating tongue for pleasuring fannies."

It's quite funny when you do it, but it's Sunday.

Can you keep the fannies down to a minimum?

-Why can't I just stay in this? -It's not what we said you'd wear.

Olivia Newton John wouldn't be seen dead in that. Just do as you're told!

-I'm changing. -It's me, it's Maggie.

Your mum said I had to come up to look at all your awards and cups...

-Here they are. Gymnastics. -Second, second, first...

Lots of photographs of your dad there, doing his what he's doing.

I don't see photographs with your friends.

-Have you got any your own age? -Yeah, you're my best friend.

-Apart from me? -Downstairs, they're all old friends.

They look like the cast of "Last of the Summer Wine".

Dad said when I'm famous, I'll have all the friends I'll need.

He said I'd have too many friends.

You like all this dressing up and performing?

Yeah, I love it.

Is this what you want to do or is it what your dad wants?

Dad knows what's good for me. I've been doing this since I was two.

But it wasn't your ambition when you were two, was it?

You seem to be missing out on a whole load of stuff.

-I think he's suffocating you a bit. -You're making me sad.

-And it's my birthday. -Sorry.

Anything you can do I can do better.

I can do anything better than you.

-No, you can't. -Yes, I can.

Yes, I can!

Tell me more, tell me more, was it love at first sight?

Tell me more, tell me more, did she put up a fight?

You've got to speed it up and then you've got to slow it down,

'cause if you believe that a love can hit the top you've got to play around

and soon you will find that there comes a time

for making your mind up.

For making your mind up.

-Sorry, dad. -Don't apologise to me.

Apologise to the audience who thought that you ruined it.

It was bad 'cause we did not do enough rehearsal.

I was getting ready for my birthday.

Some of us found time to practise and some of us didn't,

because you were too busy worrying about your stupid dress

and now you have let down your public. What is the golden rule?

Never let down your public.

You have let them down and you've let me down and you've let yourself down.

Enjoy the rest of the day, maybe next time listen to your silly old dad.

-Maggie was right. -Why? What did Maggie say?

-This is weird. -I didn't say "weird".

I should have friends my own age.

You do look like the cast of "Last of the Summer Wine".

-Great show. -I want to start living my own life.

Do you know what I want to do in life? No, because you've never asked me.

It seems quite a poisonous element has entered our little home.

-Quite a nasty little piece of work. -Can I just say...

I think you should go, you have done quite enough damage.

This is daft...

It's his house, if he wants you to leave you should leave.

Bye, Nana, bye, everybody!

Do you mind if I take a couple of sandwiches for the train?

I haven't eaten since four o'clock and I've got no food in the house.

Didn't think I was going to get chucked out.

You should have thought of that before you fucked up my daughters life.

"When the laughter stops, when the audience departs,

when the make up has been removed, what is left of the clown?"

"Nothing but an empty costume." I should have listened to that.

-Do you know who said that? -Jean Paul Sartre?

Bobby Davro. He said: "Beware, Les, you won't always be riding high."

But I wasn't listening, I was too busy telling him

some of the funny answers we get on "Family Fortunes".

Have I ever told you any of those?

I said to this woman: "name something red".

-She said... -My cardigan.

We survey 100 people. Who would they know?

Name a domestic pet, this fella said leopard.

That's not domestic, is it? No way.

-What about her? -I'm not interested in birds anymore.

They just bleed you dry and then they're off out the door.

-She's been looking at you all night. -She's a pissed up slapper.

I'm not about to have a one night stand with a pissed up slapper

just to make myself feel a bit better. I've still got some dignity.

Would you rather have a bionic arm, or a bionic leg?

Good question. Bionic leg, so I could hop to work.

So would I. I'd have a bionic leg, but it would be for kicking.

Actually, I tell you what a bionic arm would come in useful some nights.

-How do you mean? -Doesn't matter.

-I'm starving. Have you eaten? -No.

Shall I come over and cook you something?

-It's half eleven. And you can't cook. -Fair point.

-See you tomorrow then? -Yeah.

Bye!

Is that good?

-I don't really know. -What?

If it's up there, I'll give you the money myself.

Get off me!

Subtitling GRETE MÜLLER