Original subtitles

Aufmachen! Raus mit den Juden!

Ich weiss dass sie hier sind. Ich kann sie riechen.

Halt den Mund! Weiter!

Tür geschlossen!

-Cut! -For fuck's sake!

Okay. Thank you.

-Was I in it? -I don't know.

I wasn't then. What is the point if I'm not going to make it to the scene?

-You look quite dapper. -It's a Nazi uniform.

-I know. It's quite natty though. -Natty?

I bet it's more comfortable than this. This is riding up my clunge.

Can you imagine hiding from Gestapo for weeks on end dressed like this?

-It must have been awful. -The uniform it's actually slimming.

-I'll wear it out Friday night. -I can see what she means.

You think I look good in this?

You should see me with a white sheet over my head setting fire to a cross.

-Who's that? -Not sure.

She seems nice. I've got to get out of this, it's doing my back in.

EXTRAS Episode 3

-Do you know what worries me? -Where do baby ants go to school?

No, all these people going about pretending to be nuns.

-Do you think that's right? -It's a film.

Wandering around as holy ladies... Wouldn't that offend God or someone?

-Offend God or someone? -Does it not worry you a bit?

No. I'm an atheist.

-You haven't decided what you want? -No, that's agnostic.

I'm a atheist. I firmly believe there is no God.

-Why? -The burden of proof is not on me.

It's on the people who say there is a God. I believe in science.

Do you not believe in anything like ghosts or spirits?

I don't believe in ghosts or spirits, or elves, certainly not God, no.

What do you think happens when you die?

If you're buried, you go in the ground and you're worm food.

I don't like that. I would rather believe that there is a God

and your soul just floats away on to eternity

and all your friends from school will be there, and all your dead pets

and just like nice people and you don't have to worry about worms.

You believe in God then.

I think I need to go for a wee. That's the third one already.

Keep me posted throughout the week. Maybe keep a journal.

-God! What have you done? -What?

-Are you alright? -I've got cerebral palsy, don't worry.

Good! I thought you'd had a fall or something.

-I'm cool, really. -Hello then, I'm Maggie.

-I'm Suzanne. This is my sister Fran. -Good to meet you.

-Are you in this as well? -She's just here to watch.

I had a bit of spare time because my tap dancing class was cancelled.

-Right. -Joke? Tap dancing, me?

I've got a question about your props. Where does all this stuff come from?

-You just buy it. -There's a shop for 30 foot swastika?

I got that from home. It's my nan's.

Here she is.

-Have lunch with us later! -I can't. I'm going to see my agent.

Still going well, is it?

The other day he said to me: "Andy, if I don't get a decent client soon"

"I'm going to have to go full time at the Carphone Warehouse."

-Unbelievable! -Got to go.

See you later. Go and move some props around.

Going well? That's longer than a day you've been going out with this one.

-Three weeks. -That' a record for you.

-Cheekiness. -No. Well done!

-I'm glad you like him. -Good. What?

-Married? -No.

Gay? It is something though.

He likes to talk dirty on the phone.

He'll call me up and he's coming out with all this filth.

Why would you tell me that?

What does he say?

He calls up and says things like: "what are you doing?"

-What do you say? -I didn't realise it at first.

I was just honest with him and I said: "I'm cleaning the vegetable drawer".

He probably thought that was a euphemism.

I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer. I am scrubbing my front step.

-Have you talked dirty back to him? -No. I have not.

I don't know what to say to him. It's embarrassing.

What if I just say something and he just laughs at me,

or something and it's too much and he gets all offended?

-Stuff like "I'm playing with myself". -That sounds interesting.

-Hi. Not me, her. -Go on.

Her boyfriend talkes dirty on the phone. She doesn't know what to say.

That can be a bit awkward. Start off with something light, like:

"I'd love it if you stuck your willy wonka between my oompa loompas!"

It's something a bit fun, bit jokey, then you can get more hard core.

"I'm aching for your big purple headed womb ferret!"

Then go straight in hard: "Get round here"

"because I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it."

-Alright? -Yeah.

Better get on. Good luck!

Love to Sam Mendes.

Kate Winslet just talking dirty to Anne Frank and Joseph Goebells.

Just another normal day.

-Guten Tag, Fräulein! -Oh, hi!

-What is this "oh hi"? -Is that meant to be German?

That was just a great German sense of humour! You're English?

I have something for you that will make you roll in the aisles.

This is funny to you! Because it looks like a thingy.

This will make you laugh. Pissed up nutter over there!

She's had a few.

Is she pissed or mental? Here she comes.

That's my sister. She's got cerebral palsy.

Not her. Another nutter that was...

She's gone now, the one I meant. Shot on and just shot off again.

-This is my sister, Francesca. -Hi!

-What do you do in this then? -What Judith...?

-She said what do you do in this? -A background artist.

-And what does that entail? -What does that entail?

Just standing round, although I'm a real actor, this is pocket money.

I bet they all say that, don't they?

Come and check this out! I typed in 58.008 into a calculator

and amazingly it comes up "boobs".

You see that? It's worth knowing!

Good.

What can I do... Hang on, sorry.

Better get that.

Just...

Gone. Annoying. It's weird that it always happens with that one.

-Turn it off. -I'll put it on vibrate.

How do you do that?

-What can I do for you? -You called me in for a meeting.

-Did I? What was that about? -You said you wanted to see me.

I'll just check on here.

-What's the gist of it? -It'll be on here.

I've got everything organised on there. I'm looking at the wrong date.

-It's the third today isn't it? -Fourth.

I was looking at the wrong date. That Tuesday was blank.

What does it say here? "Today, catch up meeting."

Just to catch up with you and tell you about what's coming in...

What's coming in?

-Nothing's come in, according to that. -Nothing's come in?

Good. Apart from sitting there and waiting for the phone to ring,

what have you done? Have you called, have you sent the script out?

-What script? Sorry -The one I gave you two months ago.

-The sit com. -Funny?

-You haven't read it? -What's it called?I can go on to that.

-"When the Whistle Blows". -I'll write down, "When the W..."

Don't put "W", you'll forget what the "W" stands for. Write it all out.

-No. "When the Wind Blows". -Whistle!

-I'll put that in. "W" equals Wind. -Whistle!

That's safe, is it? I can forget about that. I've got my best man on it!

Safe hands!

-Do you wanna put another meeting in? -Any point?

May as well. When nothing comes in, just phone you up and cancel it.

That's a plan.

I don't think of him as an agent. I think of him as a bloke

you had some cards printed up in the garage with the word "agent" on them.

He sent me up for the lead role in "Billy Elliot".

The man in charge of my career. I'm glad you're finding this funny.

She's laughing at my life.

-It must be lovely to see her laugh. -She laughs all the time.

Lives to laugh!

You have to be able to laugh! Keeps you sane.

-I thought she was sane! -I mean, it keeps anybody sane.

Right, laughing and...

If you can laugh, you can cope with anything!

It's a God given gift, isn't it? Laughing in the face of adversity.

-You're quite religious, are you? -Yes, we both are.

We both really believe like that God gives us a struggle

and that's the point of life, to overcome the difficulties

and the greatest thing is that in heaven everything will be alright.

-Maggie, do you believe in God? -Yes, I do I think.

And you, Andy? Do you believe everything will be okay in heaven?

Yes.

-What faith are you? -What?

-What faith are you? -Catholic.

So are we.

Excellent. Lot of us about and I am definitely one of us.

Catholicism, the "C" word. Not the "C" word, a "C" word.

Heaven, amazing, it's going to be brilliant up there.

You're going to love it. Be like Ibiza or something.

Please Lord, let us know that you have seen what we have seen!

Please, Lord, you have to let us know that we are not alone!

-Thank you, Lord! -Cut!

Christ, that's bloody hot! Oh, my fucking knees!

Can we go again on that? Does it have to be that hot?

I'm sweating like a bastard. No wonder they lose their rag sometimes.

How did it go with your dirty phone call?

-I haven't done it yet. -Here's another one. It's always good.

Just do all the preliminary stuff and then say:

"why is the slut from next door coming into my bed? She's taking her bra off."

-Pretend you're getting it on with her. -I couldn't do that.

-Course you can, you're an actress. -No. I'm just an extra.

You're the actress. A brilliant actress!

Yeah she is. I'm an actor as well. If there's a line going in this film,

I'd love to be part of this. I think what you're doing is so commendable,

using your profile to keep the message alive about the holocaust.

I don't think we really need another film about the holocaust.

How many have there been? We get it, it was grim. Move on.

I've noticed that if you do a film about that, guaranteed an Oscar!

I've been nominated four times, never one.

And the whole world is going: "why hasn't Winslet won one?"

-Yes. -That's why I'm doing it.

"Schindler's List", "The Pianist"... Oscars coming out of their arse!

-Good luck then. -It's a good plan.

Thank you. Good luck with your phone calls. See you later.

Can we go again?

And action!

-Sorry... -Cut there, thank you. Reset please.

-Are you married or single? -Why?

I think my sister might like you a bit.

Really? She's only human.

I meant to ask you, a couple of friends are having a get together tonight.

Would you like to come along?

Definitely. Yes.

-I've got Jeremy Clarkson's clothes... -What sort of a party is it?

A get together with some friends, probably casual.But I want to look good.

I know you said she was quite classy, stylish...

This look.

Lead us heavenly father lead us, over the world's tempestuous sea.

Guard us, guide us, keep us, feed us for we have no help but thee.

Yet possessing every blessing if our God, our father...

-Lovely suit. -Thanks.

I like to look good for a prayer meeting.

How long is this going to take out of interest?

An hour and a half.

-Time for a drink afterwards? -Yes.

Thank you Lisa, lovely!

Hi, it's me! Yeah. No, I'm good. You?

Good. Yeah I'm ready, okay.

I'm not wearing anything. No. You're not wearing anything?

Both of us are not wearing anything. What am I doing?

First off I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it.

Fudding.

I think she wanted me to wear my uniform.

-Have you told her how good I look... -Very nice.

She really liked it. Do you know what uniform it is? German!

With what they did, you should be ashamed of yourself.

I don't think you two have been introduced. This is Andy, Father.

You don't have to do that. I'm not the Pope.

Old habits die hard! My old priest used to make me kiss him, on the ring.

On the finger. There was none of that going on. It makes me sick

people saying priests are paedophiles and kiddie fiddlers.

There probably are, you probably know some,

but it's no higher percentage of perverts in.

But they're in all walks of life, aren't they?

Not there are nonce's everywhere, but let's not exaggerate the issue.

I've never been touched by a priest. I've been touched by God.

Not in that way... In the heart, but you know...

Condoms... Do we need them? I don't think so!

Let the free seed of love gush forth!

-Who was your confirmation saint? -Mine?

-Saint Bernard. -Saint Bernard?

Who was your priest growing up?

Father. Flaa-heer-ty.

Father Michael Flatley. O'Flatley. Irish fellow.

And where was his parish?

Just the parish of where I grew up my town, the holy parish of Wokingham.

I've done a lot of work in the London and Thames area.

I've never heard of a Father Michael O'Flatley.

He died. Dead untraceable.

He won't be replaced. Not by me, anyway. He was a great man.

Can I ask you a personal question?

It may seem blunt, but honesty is a cornerstone of the Catholic faith.

-Amen to that. -Are you a Catholic?

-Am I a... ? -Are you a Catholic?

If you're asking for official documen- tation, you're going to be gutted.

Have you been confirmed? Have you ever taken communion?

No, actually.

-Did Father Flatley exist? -O'Flately!

-Did he ever exist? -No.

-Why have you been pretending? -Because it does no harm.

-Does it? We all want a laugh... -Was it just to get close to me?

I do fancy you if that's... Even you must think...

I thought you might not get off with someone who wasn't Catholic.

I wouldn't get off with you anyway. I don't believe in sex before marriage.

Really? In this day and age?

Bit annoying, to be honest.

I can't believe you lied to me to try and sleep with me.

I'd already lied before I tried it on with you so...

What was the first lie?

-I didn't want to upset her. -Sorry, what do you mean?

-Sorry, what the what? -What do you mean?

She was saying the only thing that keeps her going is the thought

that one day she'll be in heaven and everything will be alright.

And I didn't want to say she's barking up the wrong tree.

"There's no god, no heaven, you're not going to be up there talking normally"

"and running around playing volley ball and everything, so I said..."

It's a white lie, isn't it?

If you feel uncomfortable, then we shouldn't do it.

-I want to make you happy. -I'm happy if you're happy.

It's just a silly little thing. It's a bit of fun.

If you're not into it, that's cool. I'm going out with you because of you.

Really?

-Do you know what? You're cool. -I like to think so.

-Am I interrupting? -Yes. No worries.

-How was the date? -The date?

Some highlights: lied to a priest in front of a room full of Christians.

Some of them elderly. Some of them, weird and bewildered.

I insulted them and their belief system.

Made a woman hate me for the rest of her life.

Didn't believe in God before, definitely going to hell.

Don't worry. I know someone perfect for you. She's desperate

and she has trouble hanging on to men because she's clinically depressed.

-Have you got her number? -It's in my phone...

I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to go off with a psychopath.

She just cuts you if she forgets to take her lithium.

-How did it go? With the phone? -This is my boyfriend Mike.

I don't think you've met before. This is the actress Kate Winslet.

-Hi, Mike! -Great to meet you.

-Did you want a tea? -No.

So it's the weekend, you all got any big plans?

We're going to have a big spring clean. My husband's going to be

rummaging around in my basement, while I polish his Oscar.

I see what you mean. I'm going to be in the garage just cleaning the car.

Giving the old girl's headlamps a good soaping up,

giving them a good seeing to.

Can I just say I'm a big fan? I've seen "Titanic" five times.

That's sweet.

-Have you seen "Titanic"? -Yeah, brilliant.

A lot of it was...

It's a lot of it is CGI, actually.

-Half the boat... -Really?

-What you doing? -Just checking that...

-Is it alright? -Yeah, I think so.

-You told them about the phone calls? -No, I haven't.

I can't believe you told other people. Where you going?

You know everything anyway, so you might as well watch the break up.

How can I trust you now? Were you really doing anything?

When you said you were rubbing it, were you really doing it?

-No. -I don't know what to do.

This is such a betrayal, you're just laughing at me behind my back.

-I'm not. -Then what's all this with her?

-I was getting advice. -Off Kate Winslet?

Are you proud of yourself? Because you were in the biggest film,

you've got the right to mock the little people?

Your husband polishing his Oscar... Was that supposed to mean wanking?

-And your basement meant? -My fanny.

Pathetic.

Thanks very much.

I keep seeing her around. What is up with her?

-She's got cerebral palsy. -That's worth remembering.

That is another way you win an Oscar. Seriously, think about it.

Daniel Day Lewis in "My Left Foot". Oscar.

Dustin Hoffman, "Rainman", John Mills, "Ryan's Daughter"...

Seriously. You are guaranteed an Oscar if you play a mental.

-See you later. -Cheers!

Subtitling GRETE MÜLLER