Original subtitles

[percussive music playing]

[Fallon] Matthew McConaughey, Woody Harrelson. You saw it, right? No-

Has everybody seen the punch?

[person] Oh, my God.

Just a good old-fashioned clock to the face.

McConaughey was not fucking around.

Walk us through what we're seeing here.

Very subtle traces of aggression.

Good morning, Australia.

How about some Hollywood punch for brekkie?

[in Georgian] American actor Matthew McConaughey punched Ed Harris in the face.

[in English] And would you believe it gets even weirder

than one movie star punching his friend/brother/fellow movie star

- in front of Dax Shepard? - Oh, wow.

No one's heard from McConaughey since it happened.

[crowd clamoring]

He's a white male. Uh, Oscar winner, 6 foot tall...

Well, he looks a lot taller in person

'cause of vibes and energy and stuff like that. Um...

Here is what he looks like when he's going for a western aesthetic.

And, uh, this is what he looks like on a cozy Sunday afternoon.

And, oh, yeah, well, okay,

so there's now a slight chance that he might look something like this.

Dad, if you're out there, come home.

[phone buzzing]

[buzzing continues]

[buzzing continues]

["Give A Little Bit" playing]

[line ringing]

[Val] Come on.

- The voicemail inbox- - [groans] He's still not answering.

I've called his agent. I've called his manager.

If we don't find him soon, he'll miss the rally.

- What's happening? - Oh.

- Oh, babe, your eye is worse. - [Gwen] Can everyone just focus up?

I can spin a punch.

I can even spin the incest cousins over here.

- We're not cousins. - I'm adopted.

But I cannot spin a candidate ghosting his own campaign rally.

My priority is keeping this campaign from falling apart before it even begins.

There is a rally this afternoon.

We all need to focus on making sure that Matthew is on that stage.

Especially you.

You need to put some shoes on those filthy, little hobbit feet,

and go find Matthew and apologize to him,

and bring him back here to me.

Does that sound doable?

Apologize for getting sucker punched?

Unlikely.

For weeks, I have been protecting his feelings,

looking after him like I've done our entire friendship.

I-If anybody should be apologizing around here, it's her.

She's kept this secret for 50 fucking years.

[Val] Ma Mac, come on.

You must have something to say about this.

Nope. I'ma make some chili.

I know that this is all very personal,

but it might help to just share your feelings.

I said...

I'ma make some chili.

- Okay. - [Jimmy] Hey!

- Damn paparazzi. - [shutter clicking]

You, parasite!

[grunts]

I will end you, man.

I have very little to live for.

I don't wanna escalate this, but I will.

- A family lives here. - Jimmy?

- Hey. - Are you okay?

Yeah. Just keeping these animals at bay.

Holy shit! What happened to you?

- I gave myself a black eye. - Jimmy, why would you do that?

In solidarity with your dad.

Baby, I had to. I jammed my face into a tent pole.

Super hard. Harder than I intended to.

Vision was a little shaky.

It was touch and go for a minute, but it feels like it's good now.

- We're back in business, so... - Jimmy, don't...

I mean, you already did, but, like, don't do stuff like that, please.

Olive, your family means the world to me.

The world. I need you to know that.

[romantic music playing]

Yeah, I do.

Good.

Hey. Uh...

Have you by any chance had more time to think about our situation?

'Cause at least for me, I keep thinking about

how insightful Brian Williams was about everything.

I was so shook by that.

Yeah. Um, you know,

I just feel like there's a lot going on right now with Matthew and my dad,

and now Matthew's missing, so, um, I should probably go and help find him.

But, um...

you should really ice that thing 'cause it-it looks kind of infected.

Baby, this is a classic avoidant attachment style.

Brian would want us to talk through this.

They gave him a Peabody, honey.

They don't give that to anybody.

[shutter clicking]

I guess we're fucking doing this, man. I warned you.

[Woody] Fuck Matthew and Ma Mac.

What the hell?

[Joy] Hey.

Can you give me a hand with this?

That's theirs.

Oh. Piece of shit anyway.

Look, Woody,

I really hate seeing you like this.

It must have been so hard for you just holding all of that inside,

and I wish I had been there for you through all of it.

Well, I did try to tell you, honey.

I know.

In my defense, a lot of crazy shit comes out of your mouth.

You know, I twisted myself into a fucking dreadlock keeping this secret,

so as not to hurt Matthew.

And did he think about that for one second?

No. He just thought of himself.

As usual.

So if he wants to run off to wherever he is and not talk to me,

then I don't need to stick around here and wait for him.

And don't even get me started on Ma Mac.

You know, Woody,

think about how hard it was for you to hold on to that secret for a few weeks.

And you didn't do it because you're an asshole,

you did it because you were trying to protect Matthew.

Ma Mac held on to that secret for decades.

Probably for the same reasons.

[sentimental music playing]

[sighs]

Grab the kids. We're going.

And you know what?

I'm taking this chair.

[softly] Okay.

[birds chirping]

- [clears throat] - Oh, what's up?

No, I did... I didn't say anything.

Oh.

- So do you wanna talk about, um- - Yeah.

The whole "us being cousins but also dating" thing.

Yeah, um, sure, sounds like a blast.

Let's talk about it forever.

I mean, we're not technically, like-

Yeah. No, right. E-Exactly.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I feel great about it. I'm not even thinking about it.

- Incest what? - You don't have to say incest. I...

- [Woody] Olive! Kai! - I think maybe I should...

- I'm just gonna... Yeah. - Yeah, go ahead.

- Well, I'm really glad we talked. - Yeah. For sure.

[Woody] Harrelsons! Wheels up!

V�monos.

[Kai, in English] I'll catch you later.

[Jimmy] Hey, can I give you a hand with the...

- I'm fine. - I have my car here.

So I was thinking we could totally do the drive together.

We're going to the same place.

It just kinda feels like you're running away...

- What? No. - ...and leaving me alone

at Matthew McConaughey's house.

Which would be awesome under normal circumstances.

No. It's just my dad needs to be with his family right now.

Okay. Well, then...

We'll talk soon.

- Okay. - Okay.

[Val] I can't believe the Harrelsons just left.

[sighs]

Really, Ma Mac?

Right now's a good time for chili?

People gotta eat.

I'm sorry. Are you really not feeling anything right now?

[scoffs]

You know, people are getting mighty goddamned accustomed

to treating me like some dusty, old bird around here.

"Why'd she do this? Why didn't she do that?"

Like you all know how you'd stand in my shoes.

I just genuinely don't understand why you're not more worried about your son.

Matthew's a grown man who's out there feeling things.

Not some baby fell down a well.

Wherever the hell he went...

he went there for a reason.

- Is that Matthew McConaughey? - Shh, shut up, Josh.

Why's he here?

I said shut up, Josh.

Should I go talk to him?

If you ruin this for me, Josh, I swear to fucking God...

[Dax] First you're finding out that about your father,

but then to learn you and your best friend, Woody Harrelson,

have the same biological father.

- [Dax] That's gotta be mind-blowing, no? - Holy shit.

Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson are brothers.

Certainly in light of everything going on, there will be increased interest

in McConaughey's rally this afternoon,

where the actor will officially announce his gubernatorial run.

We'll see you at the rally, motherfucker.

Yeah.

[Joy] Feels good to be back on the road, right?

Yeah.

- Yeah, totally. - Totally.

How about some music?

- No. - [Kai] No.

Audiobook? Podcast?

- [Kai groans] - Spoken word?

- No. Uh-uh. - No?

Okay. No. You know what?

Fuck this. All right. Stop the bus.

- What? - Mom.

- Woody, stop the goddamn bus! - What? Hold!

[tires screeching]

[objects clattering]

[softly] Okay. All right.

You selfish assholes.

This trip was not for me.

I was perfectly fine staying at home,

playing pickleball with Courteney Cox-Arquette

and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Have you seen that man in shorts? A gift from God.

- Relax. - Okay. You know what? No, you relax.

This whole thing started with you running from love.

And you for running from estrogen.

And me just going along with it to support you

because that's my fucking deal.

But this time something magic actually happened, okay.

Olive, you let your guard down.

You were vulnerable with Jimmy and your dad.

Kai, man, you were always our fearless one.

Now look at you, running away from your non-cousin's love.

- What? I'm sor- Mom, that's not- - [Joy] No. Okay.

Woody, you were selfless.

You did everything you could to protect your best friend

and your brother.

My point is, we became this wild, weird, wonderful family with the McConaugheys.

It unlocked something in all of us and I am here for it,

so, just please,

can we be the family that lives on a bus, but because we're free?

Not because we're running from something.

Especially not the people we love.

Holy shit, Mom.

Yeah, you might be right.

If the kids weren't here, I would take you right now.

- Ew. Oh. - Really? Oh!

Here we go.

[upbeat music playing]

- Jimmy? - What happened? Did you get car sick?

I have ginger ale in the tent.

- It's warm, but- Hey. Hey. - Hi.

- I'm so sorry. - Okay.

- Let's start a family. - No.

We can adopt.

- Shut up. - Okay.

- Okay, good. You're here. - I live here.

I'm sorry that I freaked out,

but it doesn't mean that I don't wanna make this work

because I really like you.

Now, the basis of a successful relationsh-

Yeah, I really like you too.

[Woody] Jesus Christ, get a room.

- Sorry. Yep. - All right.

[chuckles]

Yeah, don't you get all smoochy on me.

Ma Mac, I'm sorry everything went down the way it did.

I should've talked to Matthew myself and not done the sneaking around,

and the messing with the DNA. And I just...

I hope you'll be able to forgive me.

Oh, don't get all weepy on me.

I forgave you the second I saw your wackadoodle bus

come creeping back up the driveway.

It just kills me to think you parked in the kitchen

worried about Matthew, cooking your feelings away.

What is it with you people and my chili?

I'm not cooking my feelings away.

I'm cooking because sometimes what a boy needs

is his mama and his favorite meal.

So, just get on to that rally

and buy us some goddamn time while I go get my son.

[singing "Texas Sun"]

[crowd cheering]

You only paid me to do one song.

Well, then play that song again.

This is "Texas Sun" again.

[knocking on door]

- Hi. - I am Matthew McConaughey's mother.

We all used to live here and I thought he might be here.

No, not here.

Yes, he is.

[whispers] All right, fine. He's here.

But please don't take him away.

[Ma Mac grunting]

I thought that you might be hungry.

[Matthew sighs]

[Ma Mac] Boy. [grunts]

[sighs]

[sighing]

How'd you know I was here?

I'm your mother.

You and Big Mac built this tree house first week after we moved in here.

You always liked to come when you wanted some alone time.

Same reason I'm here now, Mom.

You got every right in the world to be mad at me.

You think so?

Lived my entire life thinking I was somebody else,

because you had to keep your goddamn secret.

- I deserve that. - [scoffs]

After you grew out of being a little boy, I-I wanted to tell you.

Um...

Did he know?

Yeah, he knew.

E-Every time that we would split and then remarry,

Big Mac never once asked me about our time apart.

We didn't have any secrets.

So, um,

I had to tell him about Clive and me.

And, man, he just...

stormed out that front door.

And I thought, "God, I am never gonna see that man again."

But he came back after about a week.

And you know why?

Because he chose love.

Actually he chose you.

He chose his son.

Clive may be your baby daddy,

but Big Mac is your father.

All my life I've been...

following his footsteps, you know.

Why don't you just keep on walking in 'em?

Sure do look good on you.

[sighs]

[scoffs]

[mutters]

[inhales deeply, exhales]

Is that Jack Daniel's in here?

That's one secret I'll never give up.

["Texas Sun" playing]

Okay, Matthew's right behind me, I swear.

- [groans] - We just need a few more minutes.

The-The congestion at the, uh, traffic...

Oh, good. Help has arrived.

Look, I am sorry that I've been a pain in the rear. I...

No, no, no. A pain in my rear is something I enjoy occasionally.

Because I am a modern woman

and sometimes I have a boyfriend who likes to do that.

You are not a pain in my rear.

You are a parasite.

You are a little freak.

You're cancer. You're a rash.

Are you okay?

I'm trying to help here.

I'm asking can we just stall a-a tiny bit more?

How about you stall? I am gonna update my LinkedIn profile.

Move!

[exhales]

[singing "Texas Sun"]

[crowd cheering]

This has been fun, but I think I'd like to go home now.

[crowd booing]

It's about damn time. [chuckles]

Uh, Leon Bridges, everybody.

[crowd cheering, whistling]

He put in a full day. Hey, everybody.

How you all doing?

[person 1] We've been better.

- [laughs] - [person 2] Where is Matthew?

Yeah, well, look, y'all, Matthew is coming.

But before he comes up,

I just want to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

- Not about you. - I know you all saw that punch

and you probably had a lot of thoughts about it.

[person 1] Boo!

- Boo! Get the hippie off the stage. - [crowd jeering, booing]

And I'm not trying to explain it away.

But I... I should've told him sooner.

But Matthew McConaughey is a passionate man.

He takes things like family and friendship and honor

- and the truth very seriously. - Hey.

And so, when you saw him punch this unnaturally handsome face on TV,

we had just found some stuff out about our family that was complicated and messy.

And I wasn't as honest with my friend.

My brother.

[stammers]

[chuckling] Well,

here's the man, the myth, the legend himself.

[crowd cheering]

[Woody] Matthew McConaughey.

- [Matthew] You're my lighthouse. - [Woody] I'm your lighthouse.

[Matthew] I love you, brother.

And for the record, I just want you all to know

that I can beat the shit out of this scrawny-ass,

all-chest no-calves,

soon-to-be-governor of Texas, any time I want.

I was lucky to get that right hook in there when I did before you got me.

- [laughs] - Thank you, Woody.

Um, all right.

- Yeah! - Whoo!

You know, uh, when I told Woody, I said, uh,

"I think I'm gonna run for governor," Woody said, "Are you high?"

I said, "No, sir, I am not high."

He said, "Well, you should get high."

What did you say?

"Stupidest thing I've ever heard you say you are gonna do."

- But here I am anyway. - [laughs]

You know, last few months

I've been thinking a whole lot about family and what that means.

Family is more than just those who we're connected to through our bloodline.

- Hear, hear. - Sometimes family is

those people that make us feel at home.

Those people that stick by us

in this little journey we're all going through called life.

And when I talk about family...

- I'm talking about Texas. - [crowd cheering]

The way that we take care of ourselves, but we still lend a helping hand.

So if y'all believe in that, then I would be humbled,

I'd be honored, and I'd be damn excited

to represent this family of Texas as your next governor.

[crowd cheering]

- Whoo! [cheering] - All right.

- Here we go. - [all chanting] McConaughey!

- McConaughey! - [chanting continues]

[Matthew] Thank you.

[speaks indistinctly]

- [laughs] - [chanting continues]

Found you, motherfucker.

Yeah, but you didn't think it through, did ya?

Not so tough with all of these people around, are you?

[chanting continues] McConaughey!

- Hey! - [groans]

[crowd clamoring, screaming]

[Matthew screams]

[Woody] Yeah, baby. Oh, we got this, Dan.

Yeah. Are you guys psyched?

Virginia. Beautiful.

It's happening, everybody.

Come on. Here we go.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, thanks, gents.

How about it, buddy?

Huh? We in a moment?

- We are. - So as you can see,

even if every last remaining vote lands for McConaughey,

it's still essentially a mathematical impossibility for him

- to dig out of the hole that he's in. - Wow.

That hole famously started at his very first rally

when he attacked that older gentlemen.

- [screams] - [crowd clamoring, screaming]

- Oh. - [chuckles]

They look much older on TV.

This campaign had rage issues from day one.

And let's not forget his run-ins with the police,

being disrespectful, even charges of disorderly conduct,

- evading arrest. - Hey, it's early.

We don't know how this will shake out.

It's not early.

93% of precincts are reporting.

Those numbers ain't real.

I know AI when I see it.

If you don't believe in miracles, miracles don't believe in you.

I feel good about this.

Although McConaughey has as much chance at winning tonight

as I do winning The Great British Baking Show and I don't bake.

We're not gonna have nearly all the results until 6:30 a.m.

Then we will be here 'cause we're not going anywhere.

- We're not? - We're not.

Well, I am. I'm done.

I'd like to say that it was a pleasure, but it was not.

It was just an endless barrage of egomaniacal

and borderline sociopathic behavior from both of you.

So I'm leaving immediately from here to a holistic retreat in Bali,

for which I will be sending you the bill.

And I hope they give me ayahuasca there

so I can just throw up so hard that it turns my guts inside out

and I turn into a big, old pile of blood and goo.

They'll say finally I look on the outside how I feel on the inside.

- And that's why- - Okay, you know what, enough.

I've let this slide for too long.

When you are rude, you diminish and you make decent people feel small.

Do not talk to Matthew that way.

You know what? Don't even talk to Woody that way.

Get the fuck out of our victory party.

- What are you doing? - I'm sorry.

You are sending mixed signals.

That was tremendous.

- Thanks, Woody. - I was just about to step up to her.

I'm glad one of us did.

On that note, come on, kids.

They're tired. Let me take them home.

- Whoa. - I know.

And take the chance of missing out on the comeback of the millennium?

- Mmm. Love you. - Love you.

Okay, everybody, after-party in my room!

Come on! 706!

706!

Come on, buddy.

Buckle up for the greatest comeback since Robert Downey Jr.

[sighs]

Well, I don't think we need a recount.

I thought you'd at least won Bandera County.

Man, I don't get the state of this state.

Oh, hey.

- Hmm? - I guess you can, uh, hit this now.

Guess I can.

[chuckles]

[both laugh]

There it is.

I have not seen that in a while.

Seems we have a little time on our hands, Brother Wood.

What if we went to the South of France?

Have a little wine?

Wine, sunshine and song.

I love that idea,

but I was thinking maybe you and I take a road trip.

Possibly Colorado.

Well, what's in Colorado?

- BSP. - BSP?

Boulder State Penitentiary.

I've looked at the way I've handled my life

and my family and I wanna find some answers from the source.

The guy who got it all started for me and you,

uh, biologically speaking.

You wanna go see...

Our dad.

["Free Ride" playing]

Deal.

Do you mind if we turn this down?

Yeah, kinda, sorta. We already talked about it.

You got your window. I got my Freon.

I never agreed.

Dude, you nodded.

- I didn't nod. I-I... - Yeah, you nodded.

I shrugged my shoulders actually.

Hey, I just had a thought.

[Matthew] You know, last time you had a bright idea, I got bucked off a bull.

- [Woody] Forget it. - Woodrow.

[Woody] My dad slept with your mom. Well, there must have been others.

- [Matthew] You mean... - Maybe we have siblings.

[Matthew] Dude, I don't know if I've got the bandwidth for a franchise right now.

[song continues]

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