Original subtitles

(music playing on the radio)

(in English): Can I help you there, mister... missus, uh...

Sister bro?

- I'm looking to get it on later with my lover

and I was wondering if you have any...

(in Ojibwe) ...wraps?

- Oh, you mean... (in Ojibwe)

...wraps? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We keep all of our protection

(sultry music) (chuckling)

(in Ojibwe)

...wraps!

- Now, do they come in extra small

like the ones you probably need?

- Excuse you!

(gasps)

Gale!

- Well, blow me down!

- I didn't think you were, like, coming for, like,

a whole 'nother week?

- I'm giving up my swashbuckling ways

to come live the landlubber life.

- Uh... What?

- I'm staying.

- Like, staying staying?

Like, shacking up staying?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm! - Oh, Gale!

I lub-a-dub love you!

(sultry music) - So, uh...

Probably be needing one of these later, hmm?

- Barely normal size. - Mm.

- Alright.

? Yes I can love you baby ?

? All night long ?

(in Ojibwe)

(on radio): ...and PJ the DJ is back for a gig,

right here in Grouse Lake. (bird cawing)

Tickets are going fast!

So get off your...

(in Ojibwe)

...before there's no more seats.

(upbeat music) (gasping): He's here! My...

(in Ojibwe)

(sighs)

- This is going to wreck my shoes.

- Ooh, there's my baby boy!

- Come give Papa a big hug!

(sighing) - Sorry, no time for pictures.

- What the hell?

- PJ doesn't do unscheduled meetings.

- What's happening to this family?

- Well, how do we schedule a meeting?

- You need to download PJ's app.

- PJ's got his own app?

(chuckling) That's so freakin'...

Terrible!

(seagulls squawking) (ethereal choral music)

(sighing)

- Gale!

I picked some sask-a-ma-toon berries.

- Thanks.

- I put 'em in this gumball machine, and I rigged it

so you don't need any quarters.

(sniffing)

Bro-babe.

It's been a week, and you haven't left this bus.

- I guess I miss the water.

- But the land's got so much to offer!

There's grass.

And dirt!

So much dirt.

- I think I'm reverse seasick-

(sneezing)

(gasps)

- You're land-sick!

- It's too still, I'm not used to it.

This is the most I've been dry-docked in my life!

(sighing)

I'm marooned.

- You've been on this bus way too long.

You're bussed out!

If you wanna spend so much time on here,

then at least let me make it comfy for you.

In the meantime, let's go get some fresh air.

- Can we go to the beach? - Again?

- Mind if I take a bath?

- You just had one!

- What about the water treatment plant?

- Alright, fine.

But in and out, okay?

Alright.

- Hilda...

(in Ojibwe)

- Shacking up with Stephen Harper.

Winter's not too far off.

And I got myself a warm body.

(laughing)

- You sure do.

- Aw, you even dress the same now.

- Uh... Sorry, Agnes, I'll...

I'll go change. - No!

You're your own man, now.

- Tell her!

- I'm my own man now.

Hilda has made me hard.

- Yes.

Yes, I have.

- Everything okay, Agnes?

- It's just that things didn't turn out

the way I thought they would

when we all moved into the lodge.

I thought that we'd be one big happy family!

- I know what you mean.

- No, you don't!

Because now my grandson doesn't even give me the time of day.

Do you two wanna be alone?

- It's okay.

We're just warming up.

- For what?

- You know how bannock needs time to rise?

(Stephen chuckles)

(in Ojibwe)

(slaps butt)

(groaning)

- I can't believe we had to schedule a meeting

with our own baby.

- Does this shirt look Eurodance?

I really wanna impress PJ!

- Eurodance? More like Eurotrash.

- That's one of my maternity tops.

But whatever.

Hey, where's PJ?

- PJ sends his regrets.

His interview with Toddlerbeat Magazine ran late.

- Cool.

Toddlerbeat Magazine?

- You tell Toddlerbeat, they can wait.

- Well, he knew you'd be upset, so he sent gifts.

- Whoa!

A hovercraft!

- That's an exercise machine, you idiot.

He's throwing shade!

- Oh. Bad PJ!

- Sully?

I told you!

It's CK One Diaper Cream or nothing.

- Hey, we're not done here-

- One sec. (beep)

(sighing)

We will get something on the books.

Okay?

(beep)

Do not fuck with me on this, Sully!

(rattling)

(vocalizing)

- I can't even get a hug from my grandson because

he's too good for me now.

And Hilda and Stephen Harper are next door, acting all...

(in Ojibwe)

What did I get myself into?

(in Ojibwe)

- Oh, I'm feeling really zen.

- This new Elders' Lodge is so luxe.

- I was sad when Norman died, but at least I got his room.

(in Ojibwe)

...Agnes.

This chair has a special setting for your...

(in Ojibwe)

- I'm cranking up the... (in Ojibwe)

...heat to... (in Ojibwe)

(chuckling)

- Ten minute warning until bingo!

(in Ojibwe)

- I could use a good bingo.

- Oh, I'm sorry, hun.

But you gotta live here if you wanna play here.

- Who the heck is you?

- I'm Jellybean Monroe.

Director of the new Elders' Lodge.

- She's a clown.

- Yeah, you're telling me.

- It's true!

I used to be a clown at the Red River Ex.

- Well, Jellybean.

I have always played bingo with my friends,

here at the Elders' Lodge.

- Not this one.

So...

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

- Fine, then.

- I'd put up a bigger fight, but I'm just so cozy!

(sighing)

- Well, could you let me know if someone dies, please?

- Come on in, bro-babe!

If you can't be on the sea, I brought the sea to you.

- Aw! - It's like Waterworld in here.

- You Kevin Costner'd the place!

- Check this out.

(seagulls squawking)

- I know this one.

- I even put some dead fish in a bucket for you.

- Just like my ma used to make?

- And that's not all!

(banging) (rattling)

No more land sickness for you.

I paid some kids to rock the bus.

- Well, blow me down.

It's perfect.

- Yeah.

Everything's going to be o-

(coughing)

- Sorry, babe.

(chuckling)

- Everything's going to be- (- Sorry.)

The land... - Yeah.

(coughs) Everything's...

Going to be okay.

(sighing) - Yeah.

- Okay, let's make this quick.

PJ has some video messages he needs to record,

and his fans paid big money.

- Hey, Meredith.

Thanks for stopping by.

(sighing)

This is going to suck, but here.

I packed it with all my favourite snacks,

including things I didn't finish eating.

- What's going on here?

- Well, we...

Think it's time for you...

Is PJ really going to be in Toddlerbeat Magazine?

- You're fired, Meredith!

- So what?

I manage all the top babies.

You ever here of Jack Bieber?

- You work with Jack Bieber?

- Well, no.

But I'd love to manage him.

- Well, why don't you manage to get the hell out of here?

- Hmm!

Good luck with PJ's career.

And FYI...

By the time he's five, he's going to be washed up!

(cawing like a bird)

(bird cawing)

- There you are, bro-babe!

- Oh, hey, Dean.

I was just squawking with an old friend.

- Was the bus rocking too hard?

- No, it was just right.

- Okay, good, 'cause I thought maybe you just came out here

because you're just...

...fucking missing her.

- No.

I was just missing you.

(chuckles)

(coughing)

is clear-that PJ's e

- Shh! Babe!

(babbling) (beep)

I don't know what else to tell ya!

Meredith is out, and I'm in.

- Sorry, what?

- Don't you fuck me on these prices, Sully!

I'm holding firm!

I'm holding firm like a...

Uh, like a...

Hold on. (beep)

Babe, can you name something that's firm?

- I don't fucking know!

- I got it. (beeping)

I'm holding firm like the movie The Firm.

And if you want PJ in your commercial,

you better raise the prices.

(beep)

Babe, can you believe it?

They want PJ to be the official spokesbaby

for L'il Loco's diaper campaign.

Except Sully keeps trying to lowball us.

- So, you're PJ's new manager?

- It just makes sense.

I'm like a father figure to the guy.

- You are his father!

- Even better.

Look, I made some changes to PJ's schedule

that I know you're gonna like.

Like no more baby Botox.

- Wait, that was an option?

- I also added nine more shows.

- Nine shows?

- 'Cause a father figures that nine shows...

is better than one.

(chuckling)

- So...

I didn't know you wanted to move into the Elders' Lodge.

- Well...

I am a little old lady,

and I have brittle bones and bad hearing.

- I get it.

Years of being a clown left me unable to tumble.

- I can't hear what you're saying.

(clears throat)

- I said, years of being a clown left me unable to tumble.

(megaphone screeches)

- Oh, ah... (chuckles)

- I thought you said you had bad hearing?

- Oh no.

I said, rad earring.

- It is rad, yes.

So, this is just a simple intake interview.

Ever since we had a 40-year-old man

try to scam his way into the Elders' Lodge,

we've had to tighten things up a bit.

- Men.

- And just so you know, this nose isn't just for show.

It doubles as a phoney detector,

because I would never let another phoney

back into the lodge.

Phonies make me crazy! (tense music)

(sighing)

- Is that aerobics?

- I thought you said you were too brittle?

- Oh, I am so brittle.

I was just asking because...

I could snap in half.

- Baloney alert! (honking nose)

- Fine!

I'll leave.

- Hmm.

- Do you have any more of that lard?

- Yeah, man. One sec.

- Thanks.

- You know, I was thinkin'...

The one great thing about the land is...

All the people.

You need to meet some more people.

- You already introduced me to Buckethead,

and no offence, but she just sits there all judgy.

- You need to meet some aunties.

- Aye, aye. I'll get my best clothes together

and meet some land aunties.

(chuckling)

- One second...

Hey, you guys, get back to work!

I paid for a full afternoon of rough waters.

(rumbling)

That's better.

- That's my man. - Yeah.

- No no no no no no no, listen to the words, Sully.

PJ Fest doesn't need any porta-potties!

Those things are a money grab!

- Paul! I was just on Chat Talker...

(beep) PJ's beefing with the guy

who wrote The Cat Came Back?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, Fred Penner.

I started trolling him as PJ.

We need him skipping naps and taking craps!

- Okay, skipping naps

and hawking some bullshit diapers is one thing.

Fighting with a beloved children's entertainer?

That's another!

- I think we just need to ask PJ.

Hey, PJ!

Do you wanna take a nap?

Or do you wanna become a rockstar?

(scratching record)

Well, no answer is the right answer.

Hey, Penner, your notes are as flat as my arse.

(chuckling) Burn!

(air horn)

- Stop right there.

I received an anonymous tip about you.

- I can assure you.

There's no funny business going on here.

(honking nose)

- That's very funny, not going to lie.

But I need to look around.

- Be my guest! But...

Don't forget to check behind the ear!

Huh?

(laughing)

- Seriously.

You're distracting me.

And I know you have drugs on site.

- We sure do!

Tons of drugs!

Levothyroxine, statins, beta blockers...

- And what is this?

- Well, let's see if it passes my phoney test.

(sniffing)

Oh.

That's just regular old bannock flour...

Someone wanted to make it look like I'm a drug dealer

to get me out of the way!

- Who would do that?

- I think I have some ideas.

(footsteps)

- Agnes?

What are you doing here?

(in Ojibwe)

- What am I doing here?

I'm so old.

- It's me, Lips!

Do you need help?

- Oh, nothing that a little bit of...

(in Ojibwe)

...heat won't fix.

- I got it from here, Lips.

Thanks for rescuing this very brittle old lady.

(Lips): Good.

- Could you at least drive me home?

- Thanks, lady bros.

Gale just needs to meet some land aunties.

Just tease her like you would anybody else.

That's how she'll know you like her.

- Yeah, no problem, flat face.

(laughing) - Exactly.

(shanty music)

- Hey, guys.

- This is going to be way too easy.

- Gale, this is Beanpole and Tracey.

- I like your long skirt.

You married to Popeye or something?

- Those... (in Ojibwe)

...boots would be good

if you were a sword-fighting cat.

(laughing)

(both): A-gug-gug-gug-gug-gug-gug-a.

(Dean chuckles)

- Aren't they hilarious?

Go ahead, babe.

Just get back in there and tease 'em.

- You sure?

- Yeah, it's how we do it on the land.

- Well... (chuckling)

Land ho.

Land hoes.

(laughing)

If it isn't the skanks of the Seven Seas.

(laughing)

- Okay...

- You two sea sluts done sucking biscuits for doubloons?

(laughing) - Um...

Did she just call us sluts?

- Or are you two hornswagglers done pillaging the poop deck.

(laughing)

- I don't even know what that means!

- I've sailed far and wide,

but not as wide as those sea legs.

A-gug-gug-gug-gug-gug-a.

(laughing)

- Okay, bro-babe.

I think you've gone a little too far.

- What? I'm just running a rig.

- Maybe run your rig somewhere else.

- Shiver me timbers.

I knew this wasn't going to work!

(gasping)

(both): Holay! (laughing)

- Bro-babe! Come back!

- Alright, everybody, no flash photography!

Five feet back, everybody. (crowd groans)

If you wanna get close, that's $500 per foot.

- What are L'il Locos why is PJ's face on them?

- Surprise!

Sully and I finally cut a deal.

And PJ, he just landed a diaper gig!

(Rose): Speaking of diapers, have you changed him yet?

- Yeah, he's fine.

So, the diapers actually have an energy drink release

that goes through the pooter

so the baby never has to take a nap again!

- That's it.

Your one chance is over.

- But what about the show?

- Tell that to Sully.

(crowd booing) - It's fine, everybody.

(chuckling) It's okay!

He's just going for a little potty break.

In the meantime, we've got diapers.

$99 a box.

You see how the waist stretches!

(hissing) (shouting)

(laughing)

(blubbering)

- Gale. Gale!ic)

Oh no, Gale!

Oh, sweet Gale.

Oh, we gotta get you to the water.

(Gale gasps for breath)

- Ugh, no, no.

(Gale whimpers)

- You guys love PJ the DJ?

(cheering)

Looks like I'm going to be your opener!

(booing) It's okay, it's okay, yeah yeah.

Here we go, lots of fun.

One, two...

(distorted audio)

I don't know what to do.

- Is PJ even coming?

What a rip-off!

(booing)

(upbeat music, overlapping chatter)

(peeing, farting)

- This is where you live?

- I was asking myself the same thing.

- Take a picture.

I'll poop faster.

(in Ojibwe)

- So it wasn't just about bingo and...

And massage chairs, eh?

- No, that was just a part of it.

- Where's your family?

(sniffles)

- I had one.

But then Paul chased them all away,

and then I'm all right back where I started from.

All alone.

(melancholy music)

- So the Elders' Lodge...

is your circus tent.

And your friends are you clown troupe.

- Yeah?

- Now this passes the phoney test!

(in Ojibwe)

- I'm told PJ is here.

(electronic music)

So without further doo-doo,

he's spinning and sinning, here's PJ the DJ!

(cheering)

(man in audience): It's PJ!

- And don't you forget it.

(cracking)

(rope hisses) (thud)

(crowd gasps)

- That's not PJ!

That's just a bunch of towels and a melon!

(crowd groans)

- Pack up your things, Agnes.

I'm taking you home.

- Get him!

(crowd shouting)

- You belong to the sea!

(Gale groans)

It'd be selfish of me to watch you dry up.

Come on, baby.

We're almost there.

Yeah, come on.

Yeah.

(groaning)

Yeah, I know.

I know. Okay.

Oh, there you go.

There you go.

(water bubbling)

It's working!

Now, go bro-babe!

Go!

(epic musical flourish)

- Yeah, so...

PJ's going to be taking some time off from music

to just be a toddler.

- Babe.

Let's be reasonable here.

How about we let PJ do eight shows,

and then we'll take it from... okay, she's gone.

Babe! Come back!

up!

I love commercials.

- Is your baby a buzzkill?

Always falling asleep?

A total party pooper?

Well, then, you're gonna need Lil Loco Go.

It's the first ever diaper-slash-energy drink.

(electronic music)

- Hey, Agnes. Isn't that your son?

- It's the anti-nap nappie.

(in Ojibwe)

Now available in adult sizes, with twice the caffeine.

(Gramps): Hey, Jellybean!

Go get my credit card!

(in Ojibwe)

(upbeat music)

Subtitling: difuze

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