Original subtitles

Play with me.

Come play with me.

Come, baby, play with me. Come on, come on, take me by the hand.

You and me can go in some strange erotic land.

You will see that it's not as bad as it's made out to be.

I would win.

We can go, go on to some magic carpet trip.

And I know we're into love and partnership.

Wait and see what the pleasures of the world can really be with me.

Come play with me.

Take me by the hand and stay with me.

Come away with me. Play with me.

Come.

He doesn't like it.

He doesn't like it at all.

Have any of you been able to gather any further information?

It just isn't good enough.

The whole party could be in jeopardy if this fiasco leaks out.

We've got to nip it in the bud.

As Minister of Finance, I feel the solution should be to change to another

colour. Change the notes from blue to red, or something.

No, no, no.

It just won't do.

How long do you think it would take the organisation to copy a new issue?

Last month, there were over a million in circulation.

No, no, no.

The only solution...

is to locate and apprehend the forgers. Agree.

Well, what suggestion have any of you got to make?

It's calamity.

If something isn't accomplished soon, heads will roll.

I believe that this is the work of an international gang, probably working

from the continent, sponsored by you know whom. I disagree.

Take a look at this map.

Over the past four months, it appears that the forgeries have been centralised

in limited areas of the country.

Cumberland, Yorkshire, and three weeks ago, Norfolk.

I would say that the organisation is operating right here in Britain,

probably a giant network with various headquarters throughout the country.

I go along with that.

Gentlemen,

do you realise that each operation appears to edge its way further down the

country? I will guarantee that the next outbreak will be on the south coast,

possibly somewhere in Sussex.

Gentlemen, I see no point in wasting your valuable time. I suggest you return

to your duties.

Potsdam, I'd be obliged if you could stay behind for a few more moments.

Certainly, Minister.

Don't worry, Minister. My country will back you up.

I feel to remain as well.

You do realize that the bulk of the responsibility lies with your

department, don't you?

I do assure you, Minister, we really are doing all we can.

I'm sure we'll come up with something before long.

No doubt about it. I've got some of my best undercover men full out.

Some of them isn't enough.

You'll have to get the whole branch out on this.

What about your key man? What do you call him?

008 or something?

Regretfully, we lost him last month.

Oh.

He's dead.

Oh, dear.

How did it happen?

He caught the flu.

Oh. Nothing serious, then.

Well, who else have you got?

What about your outside contacts?

I have one of my contacts lined up. I expect to meet with him within the next

few days.

I am waiting for confirmation.

There's nothing more to worry about.

Well, please get on with it, ma'am.

The situation is more serious than you can imagine.

I'll expect a report from you during the next few days. I understand perfectly.

You may rely on me.

I intend to.

I shan't require you any further, Posner.

Right. Thank you. Good morning, Minister.

I'm telling you, slats, they've both blown the gap.

Yeah, there's not a bloody stick left anywhere.

They've even got a bleeding lock on the door.

Yeah, it's everything. The machines, the plates, the optics.

Do you want?

All right, then I'll come straight back to the club.

You're next, miss.

Coming.

All right, Pete. Now, come on. Give us that. It's a lovely temper.

Keep it going. Keep it going like that. Come on, love. Now, look at the

audience. You're working. You're working to us.

Remember, you've got a house full.

Now, keep it going.

Lovely. Now, you girls, here.

Watch her. Watch her.

That's it. Now, keep it going.

That's it.

Keep it going. Smile at the orchids. Now come on.

There's eight of them.

That's the way I want it. Come on. Give it a bit more swing.

More. Come on. Grind. Bump them.

Close, mate. Really close.

When I found her, she was knocking out hamburgers and chips in Oxford Street.

Now look at her.

She's a bleeding star.

Well, you know the picture of her that you slashed? I mean, you were a proper

little Lou Gray, weren't you? Well...

There's nothing to it, mate, if you've got a theatrical eye.

There's many of them, but if you've got it, you're made now.

You listen to me, son, and you learn.

Come on, get your bleeding arses off of the wood you're on, Nick.

Right, Slash, I got here as soon as I could.

Oh, now, hang about, mate.

Can't you see there's an arty smirking?

Right, now, come on, keep it going.

Keep it going.

Yeah, where's that other bloody girl, Rosie? She's supposed to be on the left.

Oh, come on, then. What the bloody hell have you got to tell me? Like I told you

on the blow, they've scarpered. Lock, stock and bleed and barrel.

Well, they've got to be found.

We can't let them two bleeding gits running around willy-nilly. I mean, if

someone else gets their hands on them plates, mate, we're in dead trouble.

We're out of business.

Well, supposing the old Bill gets their hands on them? Oh, come on. Don't start

being morbid, Norman.

The Lord would have looked twice at them. Now, what we've got to do is get

the lads to sort out all the crooked fences and nuts. I mean, they've got to

be on the manor somewhere.

If everyone's got enough to take them further afield, then if they start

moonlighting again, it's going to fall in rounds right here where we can put

and bang the rights.

Here, let me have a look at that.

So.

They should never have done a bank like that.

Never.

No.

Oh, yes.

No.

They'll catch up with us.

Sure as my name's Morrie Kelly.

They will. They'll be on our tail before they can look round.

Utter bloody ridiculous.

How do you think they're going to find us in this wilderness?

Now, look, Morrie, the plates are mine.

I engraved them, and you've printed them. They're ours by right.

And will you tell them that when they catch up with us?

Yes, but they won't.

Look, by the information on this document, we can't be very far from

there. I would say at the next crossroads, that will lead us to

Bovington.

Yeah, well, could we stop at the next pub? I'm starving.

My dear old friend, fortitude.

Once there, nourishment with it.

There you are. Now, give me only a tea or some beverage.

I'd better have a cup of tea. It'll look less conspicuous if I appear to be

taking some refreshment.

Ah, one tea and a cup of oxo, please.

Get your ass mobile and come and get it. I didn't bring my skates today.

And there's no need for boobies.

Now, I'll have one tea and a cup of oxo, please.

I'll have one of these buns with ice.

Would you like a bun with ice, say?

No, just the one bun with the ice, say, please.

Yeah, 17.3.

Yes, thank you.

I love these buns that I sing on, and you can't get them everywhere, you know.

Can we get down to the business in hand?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeed, Mr. Podnos, yes.

Now, what can I do for you? For God's sake, don't call me Podsnap.

You'll never know who's within earshot.

Call me Q.

Q. Oh, yes, yes, I'm sorry. I do apologize. I remember that, Mr.

Q. Yes.

Now, what can I do for you, Mr. Q?

What do you think of that?

I had one myself once, you see.

Beautiful texture.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But what do you see?

Well, it's 20 quid, isn't it, Mr. Q?

Right, man.

But what do you see about it?

Well, uh... It's a very funny pocket.

It's a forgery.

Oh, Jimmy.

Well, well, well, now, that is beautiful.

I've seen some onesers in my time, but that is a gem, and no mistake.

Right, but this is very much on the QT, for the old country's flooded with them.

My department has given me the assignment to ferret out the source.

I'm very good at it, you'll be, I'm sure, Mr. King. I've got the entire

bunch working on it, but I need your assistance from the other side.

Oh, I see.

I would assume your comrades can be of great assistance here.

The establishments you inhabit must be a breeding ground of distribution of a

large percentage of these illicit notes.

I need your help in this area.

Yes, yes, I see what you mean.

Well?

Well, now, I believe I can be of assistance to you. Now, I work with an

associate.

In on the inside, as it were. Now, I'll make my contact with her, and be so you

can meet me tonight.

Wherever you say.

Yes. The, uh, burlesque, 11.30.

I'll be there. Good.

And I don't need to tell you that the old thing is very... entre nous.

Ooh, that's nasty.

Yes. Right on, Mr. Podnos.

I don't know.

You remain until after I've left.

We must have this evening together.

I'll see you this evening.

I'll have another tea, 20 fags, and another one of those lovely iced buns.

Don't you expect me to change that? Do you think this is the Bank of Bleeding

England?

Thank you.

Shop.

Now, go into your chest, you see.

Hello. Ah, reception.

Oh, good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

My name is Clapworthy, Cornelius Clapworthy.

My colleague... Dr. Maurice Kelly of the Paris Conservatory.

Oh, Mr.

Clapworthy, I'm delighted to see you. I'm Lady Bovington, the principal at

Bovington Manor. Oh, we were getting a bit agitato about you, you know.

According to your letter, you were due to arrive yesterday.

Yes, I'm afraid our journey was somewhat delayed.

However, our conveyance managed the hazardous conditions of some of your

roads here.

And, well, here we are.

Ah, well, I hope you'll find that journey's end was worth the journey. I'm

sure you'll both find peace and tranquility here, and that our treatment

will restore your health completely.

That, dear lady, is our devout desire.

We have some luggage outside. If you have someone, assistance would be much

appreciated.

Oh, yes, by all means.

I'll ring for Mr. McIvor. Mr. McIvor is my chef de guerre.

Hey, what about the nosh? I'm starving.

Restraint, Morrie.

Restraint.

Now then, gentlemen, this is my Mr. McIvor. A treasure beyond measure, if I

may say so. Oh, dear.

Mr. McIvor, would you give Mr. Kelly a hand there? I'll handle the personal

effects of the car.

Come kit it out for all eventualities.

Any more hand luggage?

You ought to look out there yonder, m'lady. There's another one out there as

big as that.

I don't know how you're going to get up to the master bedroom.

Oh, go on, Mr. McIvor. Don't give us that. We are convinced that you can

overcome. It's not right.

Sweaty lever. You see, you're thinking it's a lot of gear.

Yes.

Now, musicians, you see.

What can you do with the what?

Have you ever heard my friend play?

No. Oh, fat!

Good old man.

Oh, good, good. In this case, it's his organ.

It's the original one. The original one that Chopin knocked out some of his best

preludes on.

Oh, yes. I give him a top line. No more. And he's away, like the clappers.

Mind you, we have to practice a lot.

Oh, yes, so if by any chance...

You should happen to hear.

Don't worry,

Mr. Kelly.

I'm tickled pig to think you should have chosen dear old Bovington as a venue for

the arts.

You haven't got any other musicians here, have you? No, regrettably, not

latterly. My dear brother, the late Septimus Bovington, he was a...

Defunct. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. He was a tremendous

supporter.

To the arts.

Oh, during his lifetime, the whole house was crammed to the attics with music and

merriment. Oh, nice. He left us all too soon, alas.

Only two legacies.

Oh, my dear. The house and Lord Rodney.

Lord Rodney? My nephew, bless him. Oh, yes. My late brother's boy.

He's carried on, thank goodness, where his father left off. At the moment, he's

in France with his ballet. Of course I was forgetting.

You reside in Paris with your friend, don't you?

Oh, how exciting!

Rodney has probably played under your able batons.

He is for the ever-present smile that lights your face up. She is for the

tenderness and love that never died.

Pretty girl, come with me, and I'll buy you all

the nice things you adore.

Pretty girl, stay with me, and you'll never

have to worry anymore.

Hey, hey, what did you do?

Look, don't you start that again.

I told you to go see your chest.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Incidentally, I noticed you've taken this side of the bed.

I have, I have. What are all these documents?

Highly educational.

Very good articles in here.

May I see them?

Yes, by all means.

Thank you.

Oh,

my goodness.

This is the most interesting.

Oh, Molly, this is the one I'm after.

Good. Yes,

I must say.

This I could learn to live with. I'm glad you like it.

You know, for once, Clapworthy, you've come up with a real McCoy.

Here, we don't have to dress for dinner, do we?

I think we should. Remember, we're in a very different league now.

I think... Of course.

Maybe we should have taken that last cut off at the intersection on the motorway

we were on.

Hang on, hold it. Jesus, I'm doing the best I can.

I'm sure we're almost on top.

You've been saying that now for the last three hours.

Darling, I think this is just too bloody much. We've been creeping up and down

bloody lanes all day. If I see one more bloody babbling drop, I'll throw up. I

promise you I will.

I'm hungry.

You all had fish and chips when we landed at Dover.

Big deal. That was yesterday.

It was not yesterday. It was last night.

Oh, big deal.

Look, the sooner you get off my back, Let me get a move on as soon as we get

there. Right?

And as soon as we get there, we can all sort ourselves out.

For God's

sake, be careful with that stuff.

You can blow the bloody place up.

Why? What's in it? It's my own special formula.

I use it by etching the plates.

There it is.

Told you so.

Lovington Manor.

Ancestral home for the past 500 years.

Oh, listen, Mr. MacGyver. Oh, the memories.

Now, whoever on earth can that be?

I'd better go outside and have a look.

Lovely,

what utter bliss to see.

I thought you were still in Paris, you naughty boy.

Yes, but I'll tell you about that as soon as we've got Anne Patsy. Yes,

darling, and you must ask all your little friends to stop to tea.

Absolutely splendid.

Worry about the girls, Auntie. They love to mix in, mingle with the guests, that

sort of thing, you know. But there are new guests, dear.

That's just the point.

At least except two gentlemen who arrived this afternoon.

No guests? But I thought you'd turned the place into a health farm.

No guests.

Positively not.

And consequently, I fear no money either.

Not for want of trying.

Success has not been as one envisaged it.

I even inserted a discreet advertisement in the lady.

But the only answer I got was from the two gentlemen I mentioned.

So you see, darling, however delightful it would be... To have all these young

people staying here, for me to accommodate such a large party at the

moment would be financially impossible.

You mean that Bobbington Health Farm consists of you and MacGyver?

I'm afraid so, my darling.

But this is ridiculous, Auntie.

Health farms all over the country are making a fortune.

This place having its place is like a license to print money.

I've got an idea.

Morrie, prepare yourself for a new life.

In these surroundings, we can work undisturbed, peace and tranquillity, and

pile up our fortunes.

I take it that the plates are not damaged.

Oh, they're as good as new. Believe me, they don't make them like this anymore.

When do we get cracking?

Possibly tomorrow.

Aye. Here, what about that MacIver chap?

And that lady, what do you call it?

You don't think they'll tweak, do you?

Not in a million years. They'll never hear the sound of this over that organ.

Yeah. We've found the perfect setup.

Wakey, wakey.

Rise and shine.

Hey,

Molly, will you stop doing that?

Good morning.

Good morning.

I believe you must be in the wrong room.

Oh, no, she isn't.

We're ready for you.

No, no, there must be some mistake.

No mistake.

No mistake.

Are you coming?

Yes. Oh, no, you're not. Now, we're here for the cure, you know.

But we are the cure.

Oh, if I... Oh, I knew there had to be something more than nuts and cold water.

No, you're not. This is most regular.

Here, perhaps they're part of the treatment.

Ridiculous. Will you please leave our room immediately?

Uh-uh.

Come on girls, let's get them!

Oh, my God! I can't stand the thought of this.

Thank goodness.

Get me out of here, darling.

I can't stand it. I can't. Oh, no!

Oh, my God!

Oh, Murray!

Murray! I'm back!

Something I can do for you, John?

Oh, I'm looking for a gentleman.

No gentleman in here.

It's all crumpet.

Crumpet?

Crumpet.

Oh, you misunderstand me.

I'm to meet a business associate here for drinks.

Oh, yes?

Come on.

I'll find you a bottle from the table. Oh, thank you.

It's very nice of you.

Well, love, sit yourself down.

You've got a nice view of the stage.

Are you sure you don't fancy a couple of birds? Oh, no, thank you. I'll just wait

here for my friend, if you don't mind. You've got some lovely talent. Oh, no,

thank you. No, thank you. I'll be all right. Thank you. Be yourself, Luigi.

Bottles of mojito for the gentleman.

Good evening, Mr. Q.

Couldn't you have chosen a more secluded place than here? You've got to realize

we're on very secretive work.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Q. In this business, you can be very safe in this

environment. You see, the patrons are more interested in prevailing talent.

I see your point.

About a business.

Yes. When do we meet with your associate?

Ah, yes, yes. Now that's a good question. Good question.

Any minute now, she works here as a hostess.

Dear, are you mad?

No, I'm hardly that, Mr. Q.

Where better to infiltrate the crevices of the mobs, huh?

Now, she's my inside man, as it were. Now, I've made my presence known, and

she'll come over, and you'll be expected to meet like you, a fancier, so to

speak.

Fancier? But I can't do that.

I'm a married man of 20 years.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, pretend to fancy, to avert suspicion.

Well, I would hope it's art in my line of country. I would have thought it...

Well, is it done?

Oh, yes, please do.

Make yourself comfortable.

This is my friend, Mr.

Q. This is Christina, I was telling you about.

Delighted to meet you, my dear. I hope you will join us in some refreshment.

I'd love to.

I take it our colleague here has given you the relative information regarding

our assignment.

Yes, to a point.

It's all very undercover, you realize.

Of course.

Mr. Nosegay has acquainted me with your talents.

Really? Oh, I mean your talents regarding yourself

as an agent.

I'm your girl. Capital.

We believe that a large proportion of the counterfeit notes can possibly be

passed in places such as this.

We want you to keep your eyes peeled.

And if you notice anything out of the ordinary being passed, contact Nosegay

here immediately.

He is in constant contact with me.

Yes, but what am I to look for exactly?

I mean, how am I meant to distinguish between the duds and the real thing? Ah,

very little, I'm afraid.

One of the most remarkable examples of engraving I've seen in many a day.

There. His only defect.

is the highlight in Her Majesty's left eye.

Goodness me, it's perfect.

Regrettably, nearly so.

Nevertheless, we'll get the scoundrels.

Very few villains have slipped past me. By Jove, I can tell you.

I can tell that just by looking at you.

Well, let's drink to the success of our mission.

Success.

Well... I've enjoyed our brief meeting.

I hope we shall meet again in the near future.

No escape, keep in contact.

Yes. Close contact.

Until we meet again.

Goodbye.

Missed it.

There's my boyfriend.

You don't need me anymore, do you?

I was going on my living.

Yes, that's right, love.

You're going to tend to his every need.

And the best of luck.

Hello, girl.

Hey, Norman.

Had a good day? No.

Big thing, I had a tan on. Must have lost its way. Come home last, dancing on

three knees. The problem with you, mate, is you don't study.

If you want to get anywhere, you've got to study.

Love the show, John, and don't forget Sandy, all right? John Denny playing the

record. It's a very good evening to you, and welcome, and it's Smokey. We've seen

her before tonight, folks. Now we're going to see her again, the naughtiest,

sexiest thing in somehow, I tell you all.

Here's one. What about this, Norman?

Removered tomorrow in the 3.30.

Could be.

The second last time out of Brighton.

Look at that bleeding horse up there.

Who put her in?

She'd be better off with a bleeding saddle on.

Ha!

Look at the goat she's got, mate. She wouldn't be much of a ride either.

Oh, for Christ's sake, pal.

Come on, mate, she'll put the punters off of women.

Now, what about it, Norman?

Can I have a go on Ramona?

I'm having half-hundred on the nose. Yeah, I'll have a monkey on the neck.

I'd like a flutter if you think it stands a chance.

I know you and your bleeding flutters.

The last time you fluttered, mate, I never saw the colour of the goat.

If you want one, put your money where your mouth is.

Now, what do you want on it?

Oh.

You did all right, didn't I?

Right.

£20 on the nose.

They're killing us.

Morris, enough is enough.

In any case, we haven't any more money to go further afield.

And remember our purpose here.

I know the purpose.

I have to go through that bashing every day. We never live to spend it. We've

got to stick it out.

What's the matter with you?

What's the use?

If you want to stay, you stay.

I'm getting back to civilisation.

Here, Murray, come back.

Where the hell do you think you're going?

It's great to be here There never ever could be anywhere else

for we This is where we want to be Here enjoying

ourselves It wouldn't be right To go on criticising

anywhere nice as this

There is such great happiness here for everyone.

We're getting free exercise.

No bread on these pies is good for us.

We're beginning to feel that this is the real Shangri-La.

There's nothing on earth would ever make us try to leave all our friends

behind.

When we so well wind and dine, it's great to be here.

It's great to be here than ever, ever could be.

Anywhere else are we.

This is where we want to be.

Here enjoying ourselves.

It wouldn't be right to go on criticizing anywhere nice

as this.

There is such great happiness here for everyone.

We're getting free exercise.

No bread on these pies. It's good for us.

We are beginning to feel that this is the real Shangri-La.

There's nothing on earth will ever make us try to leave all our friends

behind.

When we're so well, why not to die? It's great to be here.

Lovington Manor.

Week of the 31st.

Week of the 31st.

Yes, I think I can fit you in with a double room for that date.

Will you be taking the full course?

Oh, yes, we include colonic irrigation when requested.

Oh, certainly.

Our young ladies handle all the treatments.

Oh, thank you. That would be most gracious of you. A slight deposit would

be much appreciated.

Well, thank you again.

Goodbye.

What the hell is colonic irritation, Mr McAddle? I haven't the fuck asked, have

you? Oh, I. Colonic irritation.

I can it well.

It's... There's nothing to it. It's a kind of foot massage.

Very beneficial for the patient who have to take brisk early morning walks. Oh, I

see.

Good morning, Miss.

I'm due here.

It says on the card.

Oh, yes.

You're down for our 2.30 appointment.

Yes. Would you like to take off your gown and go and lie on your tummy over

on the couch?

Right you are.

Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.

That's lovely.

Take off your pants.

Is that really necessary?

I mean... You're down for irrigation, aren't you? Yes, yes.

Well, actually, I've got, you see, an ache across my shoulder here, and the

ladyship outside said it would be good, so I came along.

Oh, I suppose it might help. Now, Mr. Menderman, no need to be shy off with

them. No, I don't suppose it is, really, is there?

Nothing to worry about.

I mean, you've seen it all before, haven't you?

Oh, yes, we'll give you a little massage first. That'll relax you. It's my first

time here, you know.

No need to worry. I recommend that I come along because... Oh, we'll sort you

out. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. Oh, tell me, give me... Oh,

that's

lovely. Oh, I never dreamed it would be like this.

Oh,

this is irrigation.

Give me more.

Give me more, more, more.

Oh, more, please.

Please, please.

Oh, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop.

No, I won't, Mr. Benjamin.

There. There was nothing to worry about, wasn't there? No, not at all, not at

all, nothing at all. Oh, yes, I like that, I like that.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Oh, yes.

Mr.

Benjamin, you are hard.

Your corpuscles really need relaxing.

Yes? Oh, yes, yes, they do, don't they? Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Keep it going, keep it going.

There,

you're much more relaxed now, aren't you?

Oh, yes, yes. Thank you, thank you very much. Oh, good.

There.

Now for irrigation.

Well, I thought that was it, irrigation.

It's not irrigation.

Oh, no. Mr. Benjamin, stay there. We'll sort you out.

Charming lady, charming lady.

Irrigation, irrigation.

Now this, Mr. Benjamin, is irrigation.

This is the gas.

That's why I called Bleaton class.

What do you think, Chris?

Well, it looks all right from the outside.

What the hell do we want to cover all this way just for a weekend, then?

I'd have rather gone to Brighton. You've got no appreciation of bloody beauty,

have you? You can't see this sort of scenery down south.

Last time we was at Brighton, all we saw was the Bleaton water.

Come on, let's go inside.

May I be of assistance to you? Yes, sir.

We've booked reservations.

Blitz the name. Norman Blitz.

You'll be needed over yon to sign the reservation.

Have you any other baggage with you?

Oh, yes.

The rest of it's outside in the Mercedes.

You can't miss it. It's the only one there. I'd attend to that for you. You'd

better go over to yon desk and meet her ladyship. Oh, a ladyship? Oh, yes. Come

on, Chris.

You'll find some luggage out there in the Mercedes.

Can I help you? Oh, yes, madam. We've made reservations.

Blitz the name. Norman Blitz. Blitz.

Ah, yes, here we are. Welcome to Bovington Hall, Mr Bledsoe. We have the

most delightful rooms for you. Thank you.

Rooms? I only booked one.

Oh, yes, I do apologise about that. All our doubles were fully booked. However,

I'm sure you'll find these reservations extremely comfortable.

Delightful views over the grouse moors.

Jesus Christ.

It's a pity you're only staying for the long weekend.

However, not to worry, we at Bovington can work wonders in a minimal space of

time.

Can't wait.

Now, these are two of our young ladies, Josie and Tess. I tell you what I

suggest. As you can only stay here for such a very short time, I suggest Tess

and Josie conduct you to the baths as soon as you're ready.

Sooner the better, eh? Can't wait to take these few pounds off.

you, don't you? God, I don't believe him. I thought she was still in Paris.

Anyway, what's all this? What am I doing here? What the hell are you doing here,

you bastard?

Last time I saw you was in Newcastle, when you left me with nothing but a

bloody paste engagement ring.

My whole time was so fun in the oven.

You weren't preggers, were you, darling?

Well, no. It was no thanks to you.

Darling.

Darling, let me explain.

Explain? Forget it.

If it hadn't been for me bumping into a very old friend of mine, who I met while

landed up there with no cash and waiting for you, I could have been stuck up

there forever.

Pet, really, I didn't mean it.

I was dropped right in the cart. You know, I was supposed to come back to

England from Paris the week after I left for Newcastle. Well, that shit of a

partner of mine ducked off in the middle of the night, left me stranded with the

six girls I took over for a strip club engagement.

Apart from them, all I had was a bloody bus.

We had to sell everything, all our resources, just to get back to England.

What are you doing here? I mean, surely they don't have strip shows here.

My aunt owns the manor. What?

That old woman? Lady whatever her name is?

Right.

The place is a shambles. We may eventually manage to make it here.

But I've turned it into what it is now.

And what about the birds?

They're the staff.

Them and some poor old son called MacGyver.

And as you can see, it's all happening.

Where do I come into it?

Well, where we left off, if you want.

You know something, Rodney? You have to be the most complete and utter bastard

of the very first order.

You see, nothing's changed.

And you still fancy me, don't you?

Give yourself a chance to find out.

Look, I can't get away now. I've got to go and take care of reception.

But keep yourself open for this evening.

Do you know the number of my room?

Don't need it. It won't be necessary.

There are certain things happening to us. Be at the pool, 12 o'clock. The

pool? You must be joking.

Surely we must be past having it away on the concrete by now, aren't we? It won't

be like that. Just make sure you're there, and the rest, I'll take care of.

I can imagine. I've been involved with your bright ideas before, remember?

She is for the pouting lips that make me want to kiss you. R is for the rainbow

that is dancing in your eyes.

E is for the ever-present smile that lights your face up. T is for

the tenderness and love that never dies.

Pretty girl, come with me and I'll buy you a...

You got

a

bit of a grip there, haven't you?

And you're a strong little girl, aren't you?

I can't understand why my brother ever suggested that I have to have one of

these.

It's not a bad idea, I suppose.

Oh,

well, really?

Totem poles, eh?

Well, what do you mean by that?

Totem... Ah!

Ah!

Woo-hoo!

Yes, hi, hi, hi.

Hi there.

Well,

that sure is fun, I'll tell you. Young lady hunters, I'll recommend you any day

of the week.

Most unusual.

Never quite come across as better than Pinochle, I'll tell you that.

And more fun, too.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I'm looking forward to this.

I hope you've got strong hands.

Don't worry for that.

I could do with some rough handling today.

Just relax.

Where did you learn?

Oh, I had a good training in Paris. I was trained for a few months there. I

did quite a lot of massage.

Paris, Paris, France. Oh, happy memories.

Yes, have you been there?

Many, many, many times.

oh that's beautiful that's beautiful relax i am i am

i'm gonna be asleep

much with you these past few days?

Nothing at all.

to send the south coast writing i'll go there incognito

Nothing. Nothing. I'm just waiting to be served.

Pissed off. I'll give you a right hander. Oh, dear.

God in the world, lovely grub. Two plates of chocolate. Get a duck and a

popcorn. Could you give me a glass of water, please? Oh, I'm sorry, mate.

There's no tapping. I'll sell you what you can have. You can have a nice cup of

that. Oh, no.

We've got what you need here, eh, darling?

Ladies' toilets round the corner, eh? Yeah, have a go at it.

What have you got in your bag? Do you mind not speaking to me like that?

Oh, you're getting a bit narked, you see.

What, you going through your change of life, then, darling? Would you mind

keeping your salacious remarks for people of your own ilk?

Salacious, eh? That's a big word for a little girl.

You cretin! How dare you speak to me like that? You ought to be in uniform.

Two years' discipline would do you good.

Would put some manners into you.

Listen here, if you don't keep that big cake all yours, you're going to get my

fist in it, see?

Don't you dare touch me. I'll have the law on you. She's in with the law, is

she? I reckon you ought to wrap her up. Don't you dare touch me.

What are you making out of this? Here, let's get after the little bastard. Now

come to me, old bride, the place to make you smile.

We're glad you came to see our show and laugh with us a while as you sit there

in the sun.

And listen to our puns. You know there's no place like Brighton to have a bit of

fun. Now, are you all enjoying yourselves?

Yeah. Are you all enjoying yourselves?

Yes.

Welcome. Thank you.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

Charming. Well, there's no answer to that.

Sodding hell's he gone. Ah, he must have had it a way a bit sharpish down the

other end of the pier.

Get on.

We'll never find him in that crowd.

Here, sir.

The mystery's obliged.

It's obliged. I'm telling you. Come inside.

Yes, yes, take me inside.

Madam Ranger.

Madam Ranger. Come on.

What are we going to do now, then?

Tell you what. Let's go and give that bastard of a comedian a bit of a go, eh?

Yeah, good idea.

Now, what's it going to be?

The ball, the cards, or the air? What? Oh, I don't want to buy anything.

Oh, no, you don't understand.

You can have the ball, the cards, or the end. Of course, I've got the fluence to

use them all.

Mind, bitch!

Shut up, you silly bugger.

I'm sorry, sir.

Now, what's it going to be? The ball, the card, or the end? Well, whatever you

suggest. Oh, I am glad you said that, sir. Of course, looking at you, I'd say

the end.

with a little bit of the ball thrown in. But I must tell you, in all fairness,

the end is a little bit clearer.

Why, it says outside the entire reading for one pal.

Oh, you're dead right on that score, sir. Of course, being a Romany, you've

got to cross my every silver. You do understand, don't you?

Don't you? I see.

Don't delve too deep, sir.

Oh, fifty-pinch pieces of you. Please, sir.

Ah, that's all right.

Now, give me your hand, your left one, and let us see what we can see.

Oh, there's plenty here. It's as plain as the nose on my face.

You've had trouble with a man, haven't you?

Two men, actually.

No, there's only one man, and he's in high place.

And you're on a quest, and I can see stones.

Have you had an illness recently?

No, not that I can think of.

Oh, stones.

No, I had a touch of bronchitis the last month. No, it's not that.

I can only see stones. You're surrounded by them.

Are you sure you haven't had any trouble with your waterworks?

Quite sure.

All I can see is stones.

Stones and stones.

Stones. It's Brighton Beach.

There are the stones.

I'm on the right path.

No, no, you're not where you should be. You're on a quest.

And it's further afield. But you're going to travel. That's that line there

that tells me that.

And I think I'll look at you.

Ah, yes, it's coming clearly now. Here we are.

There's someone, very high up, who's going to drop a load of trouble on your

shoulders. Oh, I am sorry, sir. But you see, since he's been living on the

pier, I ain't been able to get in their strength.

But wait a minute.

Oh, it's coming through now. Yes.

Oh, I've got to be very blunt about this.

Have you had anything to do with any women lately?

No, not that I can think of.

Well, I can see the letter C.

C, C, C.

Maybe Christopher?

Christopher?

It's coming very near now.

I think I'll use me cards.

Oh, please do. Do try the cards. Yes, tell me more.

Tell me more.

Sit quiet, sir.

You sit there and I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to let it come out all natural.

Tell me.

Tell me.

You are going where birds fly free.

Stones. Stones.

Look for the stones.

Oh dear, I'm exhausted.

I've told you everything.

I've given you a double helping of everything. The balls, the cards and the

egg. I think I ought to charge you a little bit more. It's only fair, isn't

it? I'm there. I can't change this.

Now, you're sure I've got to look for the stones?

You can depend upon it.

You can take the word of a Romany.

Would you like an extra slice of lemon, Mr Kelly?

Thank you.

You've certainly managed to find the best places for a swinging weekend,

don't you?

It'll do you good. A couple of days will just take some weight off your arse.

I've never had any complaints about my arse, if you so delicately put it up

until now.

Look, do me a favour and keep quiet and get on with it.

Aye, aye.

What's this?

What is that?

Oh, it's nothing much.

Well, if it's nothing much, can I have a look at it, please?

There.

Oh, right.

Oh, yeah.

Of course you're not going, are you?

Of course not.

Have you managed to get all the cards out? Yes, and everybody's got one.

All except the two nutters down at the end there.

Rodney told us not to take no chances with them. Oh, you mean Clapworthy and

Kelly? Yeah.

Oh, I shouldn't think they'd add much vigour to the proceedings. You can say

that again.

Although in a funny kind of way, I feel rather sorry for them.

Just look at their faces.

Play with me.

Come play with me.

Come,

baby, play with me. Come on, come on, take me by the hand.

You and me can go to some strange erotic land.

You will see that it's not as bad as it's made out to be.

We can go, go on to some magic country.

And I know we're into love and partnership.

Wait and see what pleasures of the world can really be with me.

Come and play with me.

Take me by the hand and stay with me. Well, what do you think? Was it worth

getting out of bed for?

Well, back when you left me your car, I had other ideas in mind.

Everything in good time.

Well, this is not bad for a start, is it? Oh, come along now. I'm sure we can

tackle some champagne and caviar, can't we? Well, you aren't going to tackle

anything.

Glad you were able to get away.

Quite a nice, little, secluded, romantic spot you've managed to pick for us, I

see. Don't worry, I've got it all arranged.

Slip through that entrance over there, and in the meadow, you'll see a potting

shed. I'll meet you there in a couple of minutes.

You've got me bloody well choked.

For a start, I'm absolutely banished. I haven't eaten all day.

And certainly, if you really think I'm going to feel randy, sprawled out there

amongst the tomato plants and horse manure.

You've got another thing coming.

Don't worry, I've got everything at ease. I sorted all before this shooting

started. Don't I always think of everything?

You've no need to tell me that one. I must be mad to even consider this.

Sweetie, rely on me.

Only I could.

All right, then. But if this is another of your bright little ideas that goes

wrong, your feet won't touch the ground.

Cross my heart.

Now, go on, off you go, and I'll meet you there in a couple of minutes.

Eat me, let me down.

But you won't.

Rina, can you hold the fort by the till a little while? I've got a little bit of

business I've got to attend to.

Yes, I know. I saw the bit believing.

Go on, have fun.

Hello.

Hello,

where you off to?

Well, I've got some unfinished business to do. Know what I mean?

Yeah. Good luck to you.

Come on.

But the door's open.

Don't worry. They won't find us in this part of the manor.

What's wrong, Morrie?

Can you smell it?

It's in the room.

No, I can't smell anything.

Food. It's food. I can smell it.

Go to sleep, Morrie. It's hallucinations. You usually get them

when you're on a weak state. Now, just go to sleep. I'll tell you I can't stand

it. It's killing me.

Yeah, yeah. Did you hear that? What?

They're laughing at us.

I can't hear anything, no.

I tell you, they're laughing at us.

Up there.

Up there, they're laughing.

They're laughing at me.

Who is?

Them. They're laughing at me. It's my own fault. It's all them schmucks I

cheated and turned over all me life.

They're laughing at me up there. See, my mother, she used to say to me, Marie,

you'll come to no good, Marie.

Oh, I'm telling you, Marie, you'll come to no good.

She wanted me to go into gowns and blouses.

He looked very good in them as well, you know that?

Gowns and blouses, she used to say. Now, that's a living.

So why did you become a printer?

My mother's brother. It was his fault. He was in the business.

I became some kind of partnership with him.

He used to print ration cards, petrol coupons, cut-tie tickets, all quality

gear.

I used to distribute.

So? So.

I was out grafting one day at Chelsea, Wolverhampton, I think it was. Oh, what

a day.

I was selling the tickets five at a time.

Do you know?

I had the water notes in my pocket like a roll of line. Oh, what a day.

Go on.

Yeah, well, one night when I got back to the office, the lawyer had got

Uncle Mendel.

I didn't know what that two years they'd given.

So all of a sudden I found myself managing director, didn't I?

I thought, well, I'll go into a better quality type of goods.

Passports, diplomas.

Something with a bit of finesse. Well, for this, I needed a good engraver.

That's how you met me.

Yeah, yeah. That's how I met you.

I should have stayed in gowns and blouses.

Instead of which, I find myself in this machigna place, starving to death.

Look, for goodness sake, go to sleep.

In a couple of weeks, you'll have enough money here to get out and you can eat

yourself to death. Now go to sleep, for God's sake.

Yeah, well, sorry if I'm disturbed.

Well, you are disturbing me, so go to sleep, please. I thought I could smell

food. Well, go to sleep. I can't smell anything.

What's the matter?

Morrie, you aggravate me. You just plain aggravate me.

Well, where are you going?

I'm going to have a pee.

Do you mind?

Where are you going?

Well, go back to bed.

You've already been.

Go back to bed.

What's that?

Oh, it's nothing. Don't worry about it.

I must say, this really is the most enchanting room.

So unexpected, coming across a place like this, so off the beaten track.

And jolly decent of you to bring this up to the room personally.

I mean, you do understand, it would be rather embarrassing, somebody in my

position, I can't very well be down there. You do understand?

Don't give it another thought, Sir Geoffrey.

Please, call me Geoffrey.

And I do understand.

We here at the manor always have the interests of our guests at heart.

I was rather hoping that this was going to be, well, a little bit more than,

shall we say, a service of the establishment.

Well, we do try to please.

Bloody hell, darling, you could have waited.

I couldn't. I'm ravenous. It's more like... ...rabbitry.

What a wonderful idea, in fact.

Wait, what's wrong with this?

Oh. Oh.

oh my god

bit baggy around the eyes this morning. You must have rung the bell well and

truly last night.

Never mind about that. How did it all go last night?

Pretty well, although I've a few things to clear up with the girls before we

start today's maneuvers.

Okay, let's get started.

We mustn't slacken now everything's going so well for us. Come on, get the

girls in order.

Okay. Come on, girls.

Quiet. Quiet, please.

Thank you.

Right, let's go through today's briefing.

First of all, I think we can up the temperature in the steam room a little.

That will help get rid of some of the booze they consumed last night.

Um, I think perhaps, Tess, you'd better take over this job. But that's my job.

Well, Pet, look what's already happened. You've nearly asphyxiated six of our

residents already.

No, I think perhaps you'd better take care of the midday carrot juice instead.

And whilst we're on that subject, Mandy, love, why, our efforts are appreciated.

No, really, they are. Really.

However, perhaps a little less verb.

Sir Geoffrey is unable to get out of bed this morning, and poor Mr Nimbley's

walking around looking like a roadman.

And as for you, Patsy, poor Mr Collingworth was taken to Bogganton

General Hospital this morning, suffering from severe lacerations.

We had to tell the doctor he was hit by a falling tree.

But we all know what happened, don't we?

Well, he did ask for the full treatment.

Well, I'll overlook it just this once, but don't let it happen again.

All right, let's get the ramble organized through the woods for this

afternoon. That should perk up their taste buds for evening.

Tina? Not on your life, darling. I can hardly keep awake now.

We've been up all night, and all this physical activity during the day, it's

just too bloody much.

If I see any more greenery, I'll just go out of my mind. I promise you I will.

Why doesn't the Amazon take care of it?

Patsy, how about it?

Okay, book me in for the cross-country.

Right, any more questions or suggestions?

Yes, when do we retire?

If we keep going as we have been, we should be able to skate through to the

next London season.

Thank God for that.

Shh, quiet, everybody.

I think I can hear MacIvor. We don't want to kill the golden goose now, do

we?

Oh, good morning, sir.

What can I do for you? Oh, I'm down for some treatment this morning.

Ah, yes. Have you been to the manor before?

No, no. Ah, then I'll get one of our young ladies to show you the way

through. Nanette?

Yes? Would you like to show Mr. Blitz the way through to the steam room,

please? Morning. Yes, certainly.

Would you like to follow me, sir?

You can take me anywhere you like.

Do us a favor, Mr.

Clapworthy. Let's get out of here.

I'll be satisfied with what we've got. Look at me.

I'm wasting away.

Listen, Morris.

Just a few more days and we'd have reached out Harvey.

Every pound we lose in here will be worth two and a half, Hockey, when we

get on the outside.

Well, I'm not a greedy man.

I'll be happy with what we've got.

Now,

make yourself comfortable in here, Mr. Blit.

And I'll be back in half an hour. All right, darling.

I've never been in a place like this before.

See, I suppose this is the place to take the weight off, eh?

Blit's the name.

Norman Blit.

Nice to know you.

I'm new to all this luck, you know.

You'll get your sweat... Well, there's nothing like sweating to tone you up, is

there?

Sweating's not the only thing you get in this place.

Hey, what about them birds?

What about them birds? You know, like that one that brought me in?

Oh, that's a bit tasty, isn't it?

Don't talk about anything to eat.

How are you, Mr Litt? It's not too hot for you, is it? You mustn't take too

much the first day.

Come along, it's time for your cold shower, Mr Clapworthy.

Clapworthy? Clapworthy? Don't I know you from somewhere?

Oh, no, I don't think you've ever had the pleasure, sir. Come along, Mr Kelly,

you two.

Morris, can I have a shout-out? Oh, yes.

Here. You're the two Sudswood Scarfords.

Monty,

we've been nobbled. That was one of Slash's men in there.

What are we going to do? Bloody run.

I'm telling you, Slash, the two of them are down here as large as life.

Of course I know it's them.

Who else do you know with names like that?

Jewish?

Oh, I don't know. I never look at them things.

Well, don't let them out of your sight, Norman!

Me and the two boys will be up there straight away.

Right.

Here you are, Maurice. You have these.

Where are we going to put them?

Well, certainly not here.

Let's hide them in there.

Good idea.

Come on.

You take those down the back and bow.

Yeah, one second.

Thanks for

your

burden, little boy.

What have you two been up to? Oh, well, we thought, you see, after the shower, a

bit of fresh air and exercise would do us good. To stimulate the circulation.

Don't give me that. Look at that smoke.

You've been burning something.

I've been watching you both from the upstairs window.

Katrina, we're in serious trouble.

We are not, in fact, musicians.

That figures, after listening to O for the Wings of a Dove every afternoon for

the past couple of months.

My correct title is Inspector Cretworthy of the British Intelligence.

My colleague here is none other than the Dr Kelly.

You see, we didn't actually arrive from Paris.

No, you see, Miss Petrina, I've been a hunted man.

I have. I've been a hunted man, and the only organisation I could turn to was

MI5. And it was there I met the inspector.

Oh, what a man.

And the bonfire. Where does this hunter bit come in?

Yeah, well, you see, I was making these plans and blueprints for a new

revolutionary hovercraft.

Hover. Hover.

Hover.

Hover.

No excitement. Just tell the girl the story.

Yeah, well, unfortunately, see, unbeknownst, there was a leak in the

security, you see. The news had got out about my good fortune.

And all the people, the whole of London was hunting me then.

Yeah, but unfortunately, you see, this mob got to hear about it. Now they're

here chasing us, and they want to do us.

But can't you call the police?

No, no, no. We of the service always work alone.

Together. But if they're coming here, what are you going to do?

Well, as others have done before us, go down, but with our chins held high.

There must be something we can do.

Well, you think about it, Miss Petrina, and while you're doing that...

The inspector and I will go off and pack.

That's a good idea.

I know. I've got it. The girls.

Are you certain it's them?

Of course I'm certain it's them. I've checked with the porter. He said they

arrived here the day after we found out they'd scarpered from London. And what's

more, they took some big boxes up to their rooms.

And that's how it happened. That's exactly what they told me.

God, they said that.

I've only the general will hear now.

But by the way, How's this Batman, the 1914-18 lot?

Gave the Sassenachs a dose of the pipe and then in with a cold steel.

Ah!

Now then, you play here and I'll go away and get me pipes. That'll scare the shit

out of the Pajibas out of them.

Come on, girls, into action.

Slash, I've had enough of this. No, I don't want to knock that. Come on,

gentlemen.

Come on.

I don't want to go down there again.

Just come up up there.

Why don't you go in there? I'll get him in. Okay.

That's another one done. Great stuff.

Come on, mate, that is enough. We'll have the rest later.

Oh, no, I'm afraid I can't let you go yet.

Lady Bobbington insists on the full treatment at all times.

All right, get off of me.

Help! Lay down, ladies! Lay down!

Morning.

You'd better get back to the garden. Get those plates, quick.

Let's go.

Can I help you? Yes, Mrs...

I'm looking for the, uh, you-know-what.

Ah, straight down the corridor and turn left.

Good morning, Vicar. I believe our verger phoned you yesterday with regards

to the Scotsman.

I do know that Mr. MacGyver has removed most of the unwanted bric-a-brac out to

the potting shed. If you care to rummage about there, I'm sure you're more than

welcome to take anything you could find you think will come in useful.

Most generous of you, Lady Bovington. We have our barrow outside.

May we pop down now?

Well, do. Please do.

Thank you so much. Hope to see you at the service on...

Sunday. Sunday.

Now, come along, troop.

To work.

To work.

Right, Scoutmaster.

Everything's ready and under control.

Quick, march.

Yes, do it.

Ah,

there you are. We've been waiting for you in the exercise room.

Yeah, I'll be scarper.

Slightly. Come on, girls.

Get him.

Positive girls, man.

Here.

Yes, I did. Oh,

a bountiful harvest.

All this should fill a complete stall.

Oh,

these appear to be copper.

How excellent for the scout's metal class. I shall place them upon the

barrow. Excuse me, Trixie.

Oh.

Bleedy now.

Are you king or something?

You say you come here for pleasure.

I wonder how the other two are getting on.

Come on, lads. Keep up the good work. No slacking now.

Oh, there we are.

Come on, they're useless. We'd better find them on our own.

I'll get the plates.

I'll see all the notes about.

Right.

My word, what exuberance. You seem to have collected quite an assortment, we

always are.

Oh, well, my dear lady, what I have here will make a most delightful display.

I'm sure it will. I don't remember seeing these.

down to the shed with all this.

You know, I think these might belong to Rodney. I think we ought to show him

them before you hand them to your helpers.

Well, I quite understand, my dear lady. I mean, anything that isn't needed,

young Trixie here can come up and collect later.

Oh, certainly.

I mean to show them to Rodney now.

My dear lady, good day. Goodbye.

Well done. Come on, troop. Quick march.

Right girls, we've got rid of the Tafts, now we've got to get rid of the

ringleaders.

Look, there they go!

Come on, let's get them!

Don't make a pick of yourself with that.

Yeah, of course, I can see your point of view, but you've got to see our point of

view too. I mean, you've got to be taking a strict rotation, haven't you?

What? Well, I'll do the best for you.

Three weeks from now. Now, that is a promise, mate.

Now, we've got a batch of Santa Maria's kudos on the run now.

As soon as we clear that lot, we'll run you all up in a machine a bit sharpish.

What? Okay?

Oh.

Our pleasure, Mr. Gunther Freud.

We'll be in touch.

Everything going according to plan?

Oh, couldn't be better, my love.

Shall we make our rounds now, or are you a bit tied up? No, Lena can hold the

fort. We must show some interest in the work, mustn't we? Else Mr.

Clefworthy and Kelly will go into their sulks again. We can't have that, can we?

Quite right.

be identical to mine oh i hope not

It's great to be here.

There never ever could be anywhere else for we.

This is where we want to be.

Here enjoying ourselves.

It wouldn't be right to go on criticizing anywhere nice

as this.

There is such great happiness here for everyone.

We're getting free exercise.

No bread on these pies is good for us.

We're beginning to feel that this is the real Shangri-La.

There's nothing on earth would ever make us try to leave all our friends

behind.

When we're so well-wined and dined, it's great to be here.