Original subtitles

♪ It's time for RiffTrax! (RiffTrax!) ♪

♪ In the not-too-distant future

♪ Somewhere in time and space

♪ Mike Nelson and his robot pals

♪ are back in that same old place

♪ They're caught once again by the evil Pearl

♪ With yet another scheme to rule the world

♪ Her project needed a poor test slob

♪ So she kidnapped Mike from his steady little job

(Mike) No, not agaaain!

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst we can find

♪ (La la la)

♪ He'll have to sit and watch them all

♪ and we'll monitor his mind

♪ (La la la)

♪ Now keep in mind Mike can't control

♪ Where the movies begin or end

♪ (La la la)

♪ He'll try to keep his sanity

♪ with the help of his robot friends

-Robot Roll Call!

-Cambot! -(You're on!)

-Tom Servo! -(Check me out!)

-Tom Servo! -(Check me out again!)

-Croooow! -(Tom got two!)

♪ If you're wondering how he eats and breathes

♪ and other science facts

♪ (La la la)

♪ Just repeat to yourself,

♪ "It's just a show, I should really just relax."

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000!

♪ [twaaang~] ♪♪

-No, no, no!

Come on, you got that date wrong!

Shameful!

(Servo) [laughing]

GG, Mike.

Sorry I trounced you.

-No problem. So all those times you hit me in the head

with your racket, that was strictly accidental?

-Ahh, who's to say, really?

Some things we'll never know.

-Shameful. Irresponsible.

Ugh...

Well, I guess I'll have to set this right again.

-What's with him?

-Oh, he's been in a vicious Wikipedia editing war for weeks now.

-This anonymous jerk doesn't know squat about Mary!

-Mary Worth, the comic strip.

Crow tries to keep the wiki accurate.

-Mike, syndicator King Features denies any official connection

between Mary and the character Apple Mary,

a completely different Depression-era strip

that ended in 1938.

-I believe you.

-Thank you.

-Oh, the baddies are calling.

Good morning, Pearl. -D'ah!

[faintly clacking reels]

-Theme...

...parks.

-Okay.

I mean, was there more?

-Theme parks...

...are how I shall make my fortune!

-Hmm. A lot of inventory in that game, Pearl.

-Mary was the widow of a Wall Street tycoon.

Why would she need to sell apples? Duh!

-Uh, yeah, Pearl, have you, uh, penciled out your starter costs?

-Pfft.

AI will take care of all that.

And the beauty part is, is once I get the data from my theme parks

from people getting all scared and/or educated,

I can sell that data back to AI.

-[laughing]

She's a true believer, all right.

-Gah, anonymous scum!

You know nothing about Mary!

-So, uh, what's your theme park's...

theme?

-So many possibilities.

Currently under consideration:

Maritime Theme Park,

Grover Cleveland Theme Park,

Pork Theme Park.

-Stamp Collecting Theme Park,

Crustacean Theme Park,

Designer Jeans Theme Park...

-Uh, you could do Taxidermy Theme Park,

Stagflation Theme Park.

-Expired Medication Theme Park,

hey, Small Fish Theme Park!

-Ooh, ooh! Mary Worth Theme--

-Mary Worth Theme Park!

Ook! -You!

You're my Mary wiki nemesis!

-And you're mine!

[snarling]

-[growling]

-[snarling]

-[growling]

-[barking] -Okay, you two!

But to help us decide, we're going to watch a fine documentary together.

-[laughing] It's not very good.

-[laughing] No, it's not very good at all.

Well, enjoy! -Or don't!

-Don't enjoy...

Mummy Theme Park. -Mummy Theme Park!

-Movie Sign! -Whoa, Mike! Grab Mary!

♪ [light music] ♪ [popcorn popping]

[doors creak] [heavy breathing]

(Kev 9000) I can see you're upset, Mike...

[hatches hiss]

[tools clanking] [indistinct yelling]

[metal sliding]

♪ [ominous music] ♪

[bike bell chimes] -Come play with us, Mike.

Forever and ever and ever...

[glass breaking]

[woosh] [high-pitched alien noises]

-Bleagh! Myeagh! [zap!]

[sizzling]

[film reel clattering]

[hatch clanks open] [woosh]

(Echoing Voice) Oh, Osiris. (Mike) All right.

So why do I have Mary? What...

(Echoing Voice) and command the dead. (Mike) Set her down here.

-You, who are the supreme god of all the eternal world.

You who can spin out the span of life.

(Servo) Can he get rid of this damn echo?

-Permit me to communicate with my forefathers.

Let me speak to them and them to me.

(Crow) Duh, okay!

-Make the earth open up

and allow the light to reveal the secrets

stored for thousands of years within.

(Mike) She's asking a lot of this Pez dispenser.

-the ancient deities of Egypt.

The time for making contact has come!

(Servo) His eye gets over a hundred channels.

-Great god Ra.

Master of the sun.

God of the falcon's head.

You who are the guardian of the horizons.

(Crow) Yes, I know what I'm guardian of. Move on.

-and rise up into the heavens -[screaming]

-and at sundown, journey to the light,

raising the dead from their eternal sleep.

-Wh- what's happening?!

(Mike) "What's happening?" My thoughts exactly.

(Echoing) Let your rage awaken the pharaohs of the netherworld,

and restore to Egypt

the great and glorious splendors

of her ancient past!

(Servo) I think her reverb is destroying Egypt.

-And reap the harvest of revenge among the infidels

-Oh God, no!

-who come to invade the sacred spaces.

[rumbling]

(Servo) Hmm...

(Crow) The earth is made of granola.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

♪ [ominous tone] ♪

(Mike) It's in quotes because Oscar Wilde said it.

Not one of his best.

(Servo) Hey, are we delving too greedily and too deep?

(Mike) Nah, I wouldn't worry about it.

(Servo) Okay.

[gasping]

[clanking]

(Crow) Uh, just FYI,

some of the boys thought that this was the pee bucket.

Sorry.

Mhm, mhm...

Hello?

(Mike) If Egyptians were such a great civilization,

how come they never invented the Funko Pop?

-Ah, there you are.

Tell me, Professor Mason, why are you in such a hurry?

-Because, dear sir,

I believe we have at last found the tomb

we've been seeking for years.

(Servo) We shouldn't have been looking in Fresno.

-Follow me, please.

I'd like you to see it.

♪ [eerie music] ♪

(Crow) They're only doing this so they can hit on Lara Croft

when she shows up to do some raiding.

-This must be it.

The door of the temple.

It's going to be the greatest archaeological discovery ever made.

-What does all this mean?

-Stories, legends...

(Mike) Think pieces...

-They describe rituals, prayers, magic formulae.

What I'm looking at is a curse.

(Servo) I used to have a curse on my door,

but the HOA made me remove it.

-"Here...

lies...

the greatest king...

of upper and lower Egypt."

(Crow) There was a guy in central Egypt who was way better, though.

-"with his royal court,

his subjects,

a terrible death

will befall any

who dares to profane..."

(Mike) Coulda told us that before we started profaning!

-"attempting to break the seals

of this great pharaoh's tomb."

-What seals?

-Like this one, of course.

(Servo) This ancient wad of pizza dough.

-anyone from entering the sacred place after it was closed,

to make sure it wouldn't be profaned.

-We must not open it!

-You miserable cowards!

Enough of your superstitious nonsense!

Open this tomb at once!

(Crow) How dare you defy me when I'm dressed like a strip mall psychic!

-Stop them! -Run, run!

[crashing] -Oh!

(Servo) Ooh...

[gunshot]

(Mike) This is what happens to Amazon employees who try to take a bathroom break.

-Aughhh!

[gunshot] -Ugh!

-Come with us.

(Servo) Let's get you a terrible beard.

-I order you to open this door at once!

(Crow) Terrified Man Holding Stick: the role he was born to play!

-Well? What are you waiting for?

(Mike) God, stop backseat tomb profaning!

-Go on!

(Servo) Popeyes after this?

(Mike) Hell yeah.

(Crow) If he opens it with a stick, only the stick will be cursed.

(Servo) Ahhh... (Crow) Smart.

[blade thunks] -Augh!

-Who threw that knife?!

Fire, dammit!

(Mike) His henchman’s named Charles Dammit.

[groaning]

-There's someone there!

-You didn't have to shoot to kill!

(Servo) Yeah, why didn't you Shoot to Thrill like AC/DC?

-Who are you?

Who sent you?

-I am Anubis, guardian of the Necropolis.

(Crow) Okay, no one asked for your LinkedIn profile.

-I was sent here to protect the secret of the great pharaoh--

(Mike) The pharaoh's secret is that he had a crush on his cousin, Brenda.

-desecrating...

(Servo) He wanted to be a doctor, but his dad said,

"No, you got to get into the Necropolis guarding game!"

-Professor, what does this name mean?

-The world of the dead, so important to the ancient Egyptians,

was under the protection of Anubis.

(Crow) Until they switched to State Farm.

-The god is always represented

with the head of a jackal, which was a sacred animal.

(Mike) Though an embarrassing West Wing bit.

(Crow) Oof, boy howdy.

-The Egyptians built their pyramids on the edge of the desert

to protect the dead from being devoured by beasts of prey.

(Servo) Um, no, the pyramids were built by aliens.

Doesn't he watch the History Channel?

-They regarded jackals as guardians of the Necropolis, hence Anubis.

-That's a load of bullshit!

I'll open it myself!

(Crow) I can eat these Ring Pops later!

♪ [ominous music] ♪

[grunts] [cracking]

(Mike) I feel like Geraldo Rivera should be here for this.

-Ahh... [goofy crazed laughter]

(Servo) He laughs like an evil stoner.

-[goofy crazed laughter]

(Crow) Another Oscar Wilde quote, I guess.

♪ [upbeat music] ♪

(Mike) Ah, we're being Clockwork Oranged, but in a sexy way.

(Dan) That's it.

(Servo) Back in the glory days of Maxim.

-Good.

Bend back.

Alright, the eyes.

(Crow) The old professor did a steamy photo shoot like this last week.

-Come on.

[phone rings]

(Mike) I am drowning Sims right now.

-Hello, Westerly Studios.

-I am Sheikh Mustafa El Fayed.

I've heard much about your photographic work for publicity,

and I need the best there is.

(Servo) His corgi's Instagram isn't getting the engagement he wants.

-Egypt is rather a long way from the U.S.

-If it's a question of money, there's no problem.

I'll send you an advance of $80,000.

(Crow) Even throw in a free concubine.

-here in Cairo, and take you to first-class accommodation.

-May I know what you want the photographs of?

-Well, that's highly confidential,

but they must be sensational.

-Well, personally, I'm afraid I have commitments here.

(Mike) I need to guard my photo of John Belushi.

-But my best photographer, Danny Flynn, is available.

He does excellent work.

-I've never heard of him, but if you think he's...

(Servo) ...Willing to be poorly dubbed...

-His reputation will soon exceed mine, believe me.

-I like the photographs of the president playing golf in Scotland, last week.

(Crow) I found them strangely erotic.

-Go to Egypt? Are you kidding?

You're so lucky!

-Be hard work and hot as hell.

-Oh, the desert sand...

-Flies.

-The pyramids...

-Mosquitoes.

-Camels! -The smells.

-Mummies.

-Can't drink the water!

-I love spicy food.

-It'll give you the runs.

(Mike) I love diarrhea!

-I don't care. I'm coming!

♪ [exotic music] ♪

[lively chatter]

(Servo) Barbie's Egyptian Dreamhouse.

♪ [gonnnng~] ♪

(Crow) Okay, time to wrestle Becky Lynch.

(Mike) I wish MY legs had a backing band.

♪ [exotic music] ♪

(Servo) He just realized that's a merkin.

-Mm...

(Servo) Eugh...

(Crow) Want me to do the funky chicken? Hmm?

(Mike) Have a boob napkin.

[touch tone dialling noises]

[ring~]

(Servo) Eat your heart out, Sports Illustrated football phone.

[ring ring]

-Hello?

-Nekhebet.

If you dance for me, I'll pay you well.

(Crow) With a new bored ape NFT!

-I'm not one of your harem girls.

You should know that.

I'm not for sale at any price.

(Mike) Ugh, should have taken that job at Pirates World.

-Get out of here! All of you!

Out of my sight!

You offend me!

(Servo) Exactly how my last dinner party ended.

-[clears throat]

-Sir, we've given the profaning servants a good dousing.

(Crow) Just say you watered the plants, Abdul.

-No, no, not that!

No, please!

(Mike) This is what mattress companies do to people

who remove the "Do Not Remove" tag.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

-No! Ah!

[soldiers laughing]

-Heh heh, now comes the good part.

(Servo) I think every part of a snake murder is equally good.

[screaming]

[distant screams]

-What's the shoot here?

Hey.

I'm talking to you.

-I have nothing to say.

-What's the matter? Sore throat?

(Crow) Driving Miss Daisy is nothing like I remember.

-I cannot risk its wrath.

-Whoa, did I hear right?

A curse?

Is that what you said?

-It's best to keep your mouth closed around here

if you don't want to find it shut forever.

(Mike) Well, sir, you are not getting a five-star rating.

-Do you people still believe in those ancient superstitions?

I think I saw that movie a few times already.

(Nekhebet) If you come to scoff,

may the anger of Ra descend upon you

and destroy you like the seven furies!

(Servo) Oh, Echo Lady, you're incorrigible.

-Wow, look at the pyramids.

[train horn blaring]

-Where's that train headed for?

(Crow) Oh, it's taking Sheena Easton's baby to work.

-Destination Hades.

-Hades? [laughs]

The heat seems to be affecting the minds

of the population around here, you know.

(Servo) ♪ Prince Ali, fabulous he-- whoops we're in Egypt~ ♪♪

[chuckles]

[lively chatter]

(Mike) High-powered rifles, like all theme park guards have.

(Crow) Oh, great. Disney adults.

-Those are for the Sheikh only!

-Incredible.

(Mike) Priceless artifacts: just leave'em on the floor.

-Welcome.

You must be Danny Flynn, the photographer.

-That's right.

-And this is your assistant?

-Julie.

-Delighted to meet you. I'm Nekhebet.

(Servo) Don't use that toilet, it's sacred.

-That's quite a name you got there.

-It's an important name in Egypt.

One of our greatest ancient divinities.

She has the head of a snake.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-It's a symbol for the goddess of eternity.

(Crow) So who's the goddess of toilets?

-Don't tell me you knew the pharaohs in person.

-Julie!

Please excuse her, she's not used to this kind of heat.

Like your driver.

-Come, I'll take you to your rooms.

You must be tired after your long journey.

(Mike) You know who's really tired?

Your driver!

...He hates the driver.

(Servo) Yeah. (Crow) Yep.

-She's cute, that fair foreign girl, don't you think?

(Servo) Great riff!

(Crow) Eh, I'd rate it a mid-riff.

(Servo) Heh heh!

-You mean that bulimic bag of bones?

[laughs] I could eat her for breakfast!

-I think she'd give you indigestion.

-Shut up, you silly cow!

(Mike) Nobody insults my digestion!

-[hurp!]

(Servo) Eww!

-I can hardly wait to take a nice shower.

-Do you have enough water in this place?

-I have no doubt you are joking.

(Crow) That's how I respond to Jeff Dunham's act.

-Um, never mind.

(Servo) Half a stuffed lion, how's it going?

-You people should not judge other countries too superficially.

-Oh, no, it's just that everything's so different from back home.

(Crow) No one is morbidly obese.

-I suppose you thought you would have to sleep in a stable in Egypt.

-I swear, it never crossed her mind.

Not for a second.

(Mike) We're not racist,

you can tell by the extreme whiteness of my voice.

-land of the great pharaohs.

Civilization as we know it was formed here over 5,000 years ago,

when America was an undiscovered wilderness.

(Servo) And Star Trek VI was an Undiscovered Country.

-This is your room, Julie.

You will sleep in separate rooms.

-I see you continue to use old customs here.

(Crow) Old blue-balled customs.

-time of the pharaohs, that's all.

We in America prefer the wild ways of the wilderness that spawned us.

(Mike) Swimming? You think swimming is sex?

-Careful you don't drown, Miss America.

-[giggling]

(Servo) Honey, lay off the nitrous.

-By the way, I did know the pharaohs in person.

Hmph!

(Crow) Well, Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs.

-Everybody's so nuts around here.

(Mike) ♪ It's time to play the music

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪♪

-This is your room, Mr. Flynn.

-Thank you.

(Servo) If you drink that Fiji water, it'll cost you eight bucks.

-(Room Voice) Do you wish to take a shower?

Do you wish to change the temperature of your room?

(Crow) That's two genie wishes already.

Don't waste the third one!

-How about a bath?

-Your desire is our pleasure to supply.

Here is your bath.

(Mike) By the way, I'm not a robot,

just a real creep with a microphone watching you

through two little holes in the wall.

♪ [enchanting music] ♪

-[gasps]

(Servo) Oh, I've always wanted to bathe in Splash Mountain at Disneyland.

(Servo) D'ah!

(Crow) Skank. [mystical buzzing]

♪ [gentle music] ♪

(Mike) The cameraman's not allowed within a 100-foot radius.

(Servo) Well, if it's like most hot tubs,

it hasn't been cleaned since the time of the pharaohs.

[light splashing]

[light splashing]

(Crow) This tiny cramped pool is way better than

the huge waterfall pool right next to it.

-Oh, great Osiris,

look upon these infidels

who have dared to offend our ancient deities.

(Mike) Great Osiris is like, "Oh, I'll look upon them, all right, oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, there you go, that's the stuff."

[wind echoing]

♪ [exotic music] ♪

(Servo) Forced Perspective Camel, thanks for your help.

(Mike) No problem!

(Crow) Neck zit plague! (Servo) Ugh...

[glass shattering]

-[gasps] Uh...

(Mike) I wasn't sleeping with all the lights on because I'm scared!

[ominous wind]

-Who's there?!

-It's Nekhebet.

(Servo) I am deeply confused by the layout of this building.

-So I came to see who it was.

-Did you recognize anyone?

-Unfortunately not.

(Crow) I wonder if they've got the Spice Channel.

[clicks shut]

(Mike) You know, when I see broken glass,

the first thing I want to do is kneel on it.

(Servo) Oh, plastic crap from the gift shop, how thoughtful.

(Crow) ♪ A clip clip here, a clip clip there,

♪ [humming] ♪

(Servo) [gassy grunt]

♪ [bwuooooong] ♪

(Mike) Who humped my gong? -Your guests are here, sir.

-Run along now, you can leave us. [chuckling]

Good morning!

(Servo) Welcome to the lamp from I Dream of Jeannie!

-Oh, please sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

Ahh yes...

(Crow) Okay, not THAT comfortable.

-When you hired me for this job,

you gave me no details.

I still don't know what I have to do, exactly.

-My boy, it's the greatest opportunity of your life.

(Mike) It's yogurt on the go. I call it Go-GURT.

-Please, just tell me what you want me to photograph.

-Daniel, you're here to present my creation to the world.

The Mummy Theme Park.

(Servo) Huh. First name you thought of?

-The most original tourist attraction ever thought up by man.

Please, follow me.

Mmm...

(Crow) Subtle bit of lechery as I go.

Ha ha, that's just me!

-What you see here is my private museum.

(Mike) Two bronze elephants, watch your back, the Louvre.

(Servo) Mm-hm!

-These are some of the skilled men I have

working here to create this paradise on Earth.

(Servo) The helmets help them use computers.

-My great creation began six months ago

when an earthquake opened a deep fissure in the ground.

[beeping]

[earth rumbling] [screaming]

(Crow) As you can see, it was hilarious.

-So we went into the fissure to investigate

and we found an ancient necropolis.

A city of the dead.

(Servo) Ah, like Fort Worth.

-This is our main operations room.

Each area is covered by a TV camera,

so everything is monitored in here.

Not even a fly can make a move in my park

without my knowing about it.

(Crow) A lot more liquids involved

in running a theme park than I would have expected.

-Here we have the laboratories, where the mummies are treated.

A complicated process.

And this is the man in charge, Professor Mason.

(Mike) He paints the nipples on the mummies.

-This is the room where we regenerate the mummies.

We articulate them,

give them a CAT scan to check their condition,

(Servo) Which is "dead."

-And substitute any crumbling bones with steel pins.

-That would make them half-human, half-machine.

(Crow) All party animal!

-that each section of the human brain

is dedicated to a certain function.

(Mike) Yes, we know stuff.

-So when the area of the brain that commands a movement

is stimulated with electric impulses

by a microchip we've inserted,

the mummy will move accordingly.

(Servo) And then crap its pants.

-reconstruct the original features?

-Let me show you. Go ahead.

(Crow) Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer video.

-Every face has been carefully rebuilt

by feeding all the available data into the computer.

(Mike) At last, we know where Tommy Wiseau came from.

(Servo) O Hai, mummies!

-[chuckles]

It's quite simple.

(Crow) Ugh, he's Mummysplaining.

-through the nervous system,

creating movement of the limbs.

The mummy is electrically animated.

It's really a very straightforward process.

(Mike) Easier than building IKEA furniture.

(Speak and Spell) Two, one, zero.

[electronic zooming noise]

(Servo) Hm?

[vwoooohhhmmm]

(Servo) Ohh, put a computer chip in Uncle Fester's head, of course!

-Everything is controlled by the master computer

we just saw in the control room, right?

-Mm-hmm.

I knew that you of the cyber generation would understand.

(Crow) Only the cyber generation could understand a gif of a skeleton.

(Mike) Good guys have human skin masks, right?

(Crow) Oh yeah.

(Servo) Really committing to this name, huh?

-This is where the tickets are sold.

It'll be operational in a month's time.

(Crow) Reanimating the dead is easy.

Ticket booths are hard.

-tourists from all over the world will be pouring in.

We've built a vast parking lot outside

to accommodate the buses,

bringing the tourists coming in from the airport.

(Mike) Uh, yeah, we know how parking lots work.

-Please, make yourself comfortable.

-Thank you.

-Mmm...

(Servo) Hey, keep your obelisk in your pants, pal.

-Huh, it's really nice.

(Crow) This is what impresses him?

-(Guide) Welcome to the Mummy Theme Park,

a tour around ancient Egypt.

We take you along the old traditional routes

to give you a glimpse into the life of the people of the past.

Wandering through their world,

you will learn a great deal about their history, their religions, and customs.

(Servo) Always shot from this one angle.

-O great god of our forefathers,

cast your eye upon these interlopers from distant lands.

(Crow) Guide us, View-Master of the gods!

-Try to understand why they plucked their eyebrows

and mourned the death of a cat

when a Greek would have skinned it.

(Mike) Wow, huge burn on Greeks out of nowhere!

-Why did they revere eels instead of eating them?

Why did they knead the dough for their bread with their feet

and work the clay to make bricks with their hands?

(Servo) Thought there'd be more mummies and less foot bread.

(Mike) [chuckling]

[train wheels squealing]

-To us, the world of ancient Egypt

sometimes seems to have worked backwards.

(Crow) In ancient Egypt, pyramid build you!

-powers of the priests and the secrets hidden in the tombs,

how they were illuminated.

And we show you the techniques used to mummify the dead.

(Mike) So you can try mummifying your friends and neighbors!

-the legend of the mummy's curse came to be.

To satisfy your curiosity about these things, as well as many others,

(Kevin) But mostly it's just this train ride and then a food court.

-back to the dawn of this extraordinary Egyptian civilization

and carries us through to its demise.

(Crow) Ah, demise is always the best part of a theme park.

-If you don't mind my asking,

what happens if the crack suddenly closes up again?

-Everything would be buried.

The earth would once more swallow what it vomited up.

(Mike) Like a dog after too many Snausages.

(Servo) Agh...

(Servo) So, is there a bar car, or...?

-Four thousand years of history

are about to open their doors to you

(Crow) Ramses upskirt, yeah~! (Servo) Ooh!

-The first lap of our journey involves the daily life of the ancient Egyptians.

The village contains the homes of the workforce

that built and decorated the tombs.

(Mike) ♪ Yooouuu decorated my tomb ♪♪

-Daniel, I suggest you listen very carefully to this information.

(Servo) Because I'm too drunk to pay attention, *hic*

-you will be required to illustrate it starting tomorrow.

-Okay.

-Glass work in Egypt was a difficult art

as it was heated to temperatures over a thousand degrees,

posing a health risk that often singed the eyes

and made the workers blind.

(Crow) Blind workers are funny!

...Tee-hee~

-Egyptian potters were perfectionists.

The special black clay required for good ceramics

was readily available on the banks of the Nile.

(Servo) Hi, I'm a theme park exhibit!

-The cultivation of flax was of prime importance in Egypt,

because it was used to make cotton for the bandages

used for binding up the bodies of the mummies.

(Crow) They should call it Flax Theme Park.

-comes from the pitch or resin used for embalming.

-Amazing.

It's really like waking up to find yourself in ancient Egypt.

(Mike) Only rich, not like one of these gross guys.

-The best is yet to come.

Do you know what the most important day was to the Egyptians?

(Servo) National High-Five Day? -The 21st of December.

(Servo) Oh. -Why is that?

-For the position of the sun.

The Egyptians had a secret.

(Crow) Eleven herbs and spices.

-The temple faces east.

And is built so that on one day in particular, the winter solstice...

A ray of sun... (Mike) Hey, back off man.

I'm not a TV--

Dang it, I guess I am.

-the cobra of the head of the great stone pharaoh at the entrance.

(Servo) Should I have stayed in college? Got my degree?

-would pass through a complicated system

of strategically placed mirrors.

To reach in and reflect in the eye of Osiris.

(Crow) I'm a boy in a man's body!

-The sun penetrates the ruby and warms the mummy.

That warmth is turned into energy.

(Mike) Which you then use to air condition the slave quarters?

(Crow) What? No!

-Sort of like a solar panel.

-Then what happens?

-The mummy comes to life.

-Precisely.

(Servo) Then nothing goes wrong and everybody goes home alive.

-ray of light that falls on the mummy of the pharaoh

is in turn reflected on the heads of the other mummies.

(Mike) Sure. Light reflects on the heads of the other mummies.

I'm not an idiot.

-of light. A cobweb of light.

-So all the mummies come to life, do they?

-They better.

-You mean that's what's about to happen right before our very eyes?

(Crow) Your eyes, not your VERY eyes.

That's a whole different thing.

-an extra dose of feminine intuition, I'd say.

Oh yes...

(Servo) Gah! His Royal Perviness.

-This was planned and programmed

by a civilization that existed 4000 years ago?

-That's what I find so fascinating about it.

-Where are you going?

-To tell the Sheikh that Nekhebet is a traitor.

(Mike) He just asked where. I don't think he needed that level of detail.

-She's trying to derail the theme park project.

(Nekhebet) Do your duty, oh great one.

-Ugh! [sword clatters]

♪ [eerie echoing groans] ♪

(Crow) Rafa Nadal levels of sweat.

-Invade, pervade, devour, and destroy your enemy.

(Mike) That's me after I ate too much at Red Lobster.

(Servo) Ew...

[gurgling]

[growling]

(Mike) Yup.

[gagged groans]

[meaty thuds] (Servo) Ugh!

(Mike) Yeah, see, never order their seafood tower.

-[echoing chants]

Ungrateful animal!

(Crow) Yup. I think I sat next to this guy on the bus once.

♪ [ominous music] ♪

(Servo) They should probably leave this stuff out of the brochure.

[weak screeching]

[hissing]

[hissing]

(Mike) Can I get a rag or some paper towels, or somethin'?

[screaming, hissing]

-Now we have reached the most important point of our journey.

The burial chamber of Pharaoh Manaus IV.

Laid to rest with his queen and intimate members of his court.

(Crow) Really intimate.

Like, "leave the bathroom door open when you're in there" intimate.

♪ [triumphant music] ♪

(Servo) Huh.

But when the park opens, the doors will go faster, right?

(Mike) But now, who's ready for some improv?

Please welcome Not Your Father's Yuck-Yucks!

♪ [ethereal music] ♪

(Crow) Yeah, what are your ticket prices for this? 'Cause...

Oof, boy.

(Servo) And a bunch of bird's nests and dead squirrels fall down.

(Crow) [thunking noises]

[spacey wew wews]

(Servo) Hm? [laser humming]

(Servo) Huh. (Mike) Whaa...?

(Crow) Wait, wha...?

[wooden creaking]

(Servo) It's really hot under this golden mask!

[panting]

♪ [triumphant music] ♪

[gasps]

-I am Manaus IV.

(Mike) But please, call me Manny!

I ruled during the Third Dynasty,

4,000 years ago,

in the land of the Nile.

(Crow) I speak English, by the way.

Don't ask how, I don't know.

-spread the kingdom as far as the sun reaches,

and made Egypt superior to all other lands.

And I fathered a hundred and seventy children.

(Servo) That I know of. [creepy chuckle]

-That is quite something.

I mean, a mummy that moves and talks!

-And fathers!

(Mike) What? He didn't father in front of you just now, did he?

-It's awesome!

-I told you.

I said you'd see something absolutely unforgettable.

-I, I, I'm, I'm speechless!

(Crow) Okay, exit through the gift shop. Bye!

-There are no words to describe this.

Who'd believe it?

(Servo) Drive into me and emerge through my ass.

It's fun!

-In a month's time, when the park opens to the public,

they'll flock in by the millions from all over the world

at a hundred dollars a ticket.

-This is going to make so much money!

(Mike) With this and my investment in Circuit City, we'll be billionaires!

-We'll be richer than any pharaoh ever dreamt.

-I gotta hand it to ya.

(Crow) Uh- Is... Is that it?

(Servo) Yep, I just gotta hand it to ya.

(Crow) I just thought there'd be more.

(Servo) Nope.

(Crow) ...Okay.

-This is where the visitors can rest and get refreshments

and, uh, souvenirs

to remind them of this wonderful experience.

-Check out the guy goofing off reading the paper.

(Mike) He got caught up in a really good Arlo and Janis.

Who can blame him?

-What would you like?

-Iced tea, thanks.

-Popcorn for me.

(Servo) And eight pumps of bright orange trans fats, please.

-tub of popcorn and a beer for me.

-Right away, sir.

[computery beep boops]

(Crow) I'll have one brain frappe, hold the parietal lobe.

[beep, beep, bwooo~]

[♪♪♪~]

[liquid splashing]

(Mike) No, that's the beard that dispenses cat urine!

I don't even know why we installed that.

(Servo) Flat, stale, and I didn't fill it all the way. Enjoy.

-Madame.

-Thanks.

-We'll settle up later.

♪ ["Savor the Flavor" instrumental] ♪

(Mike) [laughing]

(Crow) Bet they don't have olive loaf there.

(Servo) Mm-mm!

♪ (Oh, boy!) [ding~] ♪♪

[film reel clattering]

[wind blowing] [window unbreaking]

-Come back, Mike.

Come back and play.

Come back and play... [bike bell chimes]

[hatch hisses]

(Kev 9000) I think you should take a stress pill and think things over, Mike.

[doors creak shut] [popcorn popping]

(Crow) [grunting]

(Servo) Urrrgh...

Agh! Excavating the tomb here, boss!

-Yep. Excavate that tomb now.

(Servo) [grunting]

-Hey, guys. Uh, what fresh hell is this?

-Oh, hi, Mike.

Tom and I analyzed the hieroglyphics in Mummy Theme Park

and determined that by an astonishing coincidence,

the tomb of an ancient Egyptian king

happens to be right under the spot

where we conduct 95% of our business on this ship!

-Wow!

(Servo) Okay, one more swing should do it here...

[stone shattering] (Servo) [panting]

I'm in.

-Can you see anything, Servo?

-Yes, wonderful things.

Well, decent things, yeah. -Okay.

-Okay, there are definitely some things here--

-Would you just tell us the things that you found?

-All right, let's see what we got.

Okay, we got a dusty Trivial Pursuit game.

-Oh, sure.

-And a box of old National Geographics.

-Oh, yeah, there's always one of those.

-Hey, a Tom Jones T-shirt! - ♪ It's not unusual...

-A Betamax copy of Arthur 2: On the Rocks...

-Ah, the very peak of the series.

-Yeah, oh, and there's a mummy sarcophagus here.

-Why didn't you lead with that?

-Well, I'm sorry. Hang on a second.

[stone grinding sound] (Servo) [grunts] Oh, it's heavy.

-Lift with your legs. -It's heavy.

-Oh wait, you've got no legs. -[grunting]

Ugh, it smells like wet salami!

[grunting]

Ugh, can't move my arms. I got a cramp.

-Is this AI?

-Of course it is, Pearl.

It's all AI.

-Ooh, let's see what's inside. -Yeah!

-Mike, you want to do the honors?

-Oh, sure, because, you know, prying open a sarcophagus

never comes with any supernatural downsides--

No, I don't want to do the honors!

-Oh, don't be a baby.

-Oh, okay, fine.

Ah! -Whoa!

(Servo) [panting]

What the... Grandpa?!

-Tommy boy! You're a sight for sore eyes.

And is that little Crow T. Robut?

All grown up.

-Oh, hi, Grandpa Servo!

-Who's the big fella?

Can't say I care for the looks of you.

-Okay, all right.

-What's being mummified like, sir?

-Well, on Tuesdays, you get a mummy discount at Bob Evans.

-Nice.

Osiris and Sobek are always up for canasta.

There's some light decaying.

Hey, it beats retiring to Florida! [chuckles]

Don't you touch my stuff!

-Mike, Mike, Mike!

-Sorry, Mr. Grandpa Mummy Servo Guy, sir.

-Well, I guess you probably have to curse one of us

for violating your tomb now, huh, Grandpa?

-Hint hint, hint hint.

-Ah, Tommy, cursing's a young man's game.

I gave that up centuries ago.

-Ah, oof.

-But that box of Nat Geos, that thing's cursed as hell!

-D'ah! -Woops!

[Movie Sign alarm blaring] -Oh, now we got Movie Sign!

-Ahhh, Movie Sign!

(Grandpa Servo) Wait! This isn't covered by my Medicare!

♪ [light music] ♪ [popcorn popping]

[doors creak]

[heavy breathing]

[thunk] -Ooh! Ow! Ooh, eesh...

[hatch hisses] [tools clanking]

[indistinct yelling] [stone crumbling]

[metallic sliding]

♪ [ominous music] ♪ [bike bell chimes]

-Come play with us, Mike.

Forever and ever and ever...

[window shatters] [woosh]

[high-pitched alien noises]

-Bleagh! Myeagh! [zap!]

[sizzling]

[film reel clanking]

[wheel spinning] [woosh]

(Mike) Ugh... now I'm feeling a little gassy.

Do you think that's the mummy's curse?

(Crow) Well, you shouldn't have touched his stuff, Mike.

-Hello?

-You can have my palace, if you dance for me.

(Servo) That was my line when I was a producer for Dancing with the Stars.

-I want the Mummy Theme Park.

-Damn you!

♪ [exotic music] ♪

-I hear that the Sheikh, like all gentlemen,

prefers blondes with blue eyes.

(Crow) She must be referring to the

"gentlemen" who go to gentleman’s clubs.

-green eyes. [laughs]

-How do I look as a blonde?

-Like a cheap tart!

(Servo) Whoa! -Damn you, you slut!

(Mike) Ladies, please have the decency to do this

in a kiddie pool filled with jello!

(Servo) This is how all Sleater-Kinney band meetings used to end.

(Servo) Hoo-hoo!

(Crow) Okay, gotta go general manage a theme park.

-This mummy theme park is really something, isn't it?

(Mike) I mean, my iced tea was nothing to write home about, but...

-The Sheikh has done a great job.

-Our turn tomorrow.

[shutter clicking]

-Meantime, I'm gonna start getting some ideas down on paper.

(Servo) We get it. You're working on a screenplay.

-Something strange.

It was tossed through my window last night.

I'm gonna ask Professor Mason.

(Crow) He's a professor of Things Tossed Through Windows.

(Mike) ♪ I'm putting on my top hat~

♪ Gettin' on my wa--

(Speak and Spell) Four, three, two, one, zero.

(Servo) Zero! Yes, that's my interest in the movie Mummy Theme Park!

Heh heh heh...

-Hello there, Professor.

(Crow) A lot of phone chargers hanging from your ceiling.

-Hello there, Dan. What are you doing here?

-I have a problem I'd like to discuss with you.

-Well, go ahead.

(Mike) But know that it happens to a lot of guys.

-Well, something weird happened.

Last night, someone threw this through the window of my room.

(Servo) Well, you are pretty annoying.

-Oh, it's just a copy.

[beeping]

A souvenir for tourists.

(Crow) They get thrown through windows all the time.

-This came with it. Take a look. Huh?

(Mike) Yes, [stammering],

that's just a children's menu from IHOP.

-Papyrus document with an ancient inscription...

in hieroglyphics.

-Can you translate it for us?

-I could try.

Now then, let's see.

(Servo) Ahhh, just trying to open a major theme park here,

but your thing is important too.

-"You are offending...

the great Kings...

(Crow) ...of Leon."

Wait, really?

-and fathers...

of ancient Egypt.

The tomb of the pharaoh... (Servo) Oh...

must not be violated."

(Servo) Ugh, the camera work. I'm gonna need a Dramamine.

-and destruction... (Crow) Wuaaaoh~!

-will follow... (Servo) Buwah!

-if the park is opened." Hmm.

-It's a threatening letter?

(Mike) Take a wild guess.

-Yes, from someone who knows ancient Egypt and her hieroglyphics well.

-But...

(Crow) Forgot my line. Hold, please.

-How could that be?

-It specifically states that the park

offends the memory of the pharaohs.

So it must be someone who hates the Sheikh

and doesn't want the park to open.

(Mike) Probably Disney, jealous of their medium-sized elephant statues.

-Who is it? -Danny. Let me in.

-Well, why should I?

(Servo) I'm already late for the no-pants subway ride!

-We hardly know each other. -It's important!

♪ [exotic music] ♪

-All right.

-As soon as we finish work tomorrow, we're on our way.

-Why the rush?

(Crow) People ask that about my mix-tapes.

(Mike) ♪ Ohh salesmen! ♪♪

I love doing that, any chance I get.

-Someone who doesn't want the park to open!

-I'd like to know a little more.

-Remember that pharaoh's head with the papyrus note tied around it?

Well, it was a death threat.

If the opening of the park goes ahead.

-But, who'd be against it opening?

(Servo) People who like fun?

-venture that offends the memory of the pharaohs of ancient Egypt. That's who.

-Oh God, Danny.

Now you're beginning to scare me.

-Don't go getting yourself into a panic, sweetie.

Tomorrow, we do what we have to do,

then we go. I promise. ♪ [horn blowing] ♪

(Crow) Who gave the mummy a vuvuzela?

♪ [horn blowing] ♪

♪ [gentle music] ♪

[giggling]

(Mike) "Act like a newborn baby in every scene", the director told her.

-Want to see an American girl relax?

(Servo) Bubbles are funny! [giggles]

[laser-y buzzing]

(Crow) Huh?

♪ [suspenseful music] ♪

(Crow) ♪ Sneak around like an Egyptian~

♪ [upbeat humming] ♪

-Oh, she's quite a dish. -Very nice.

-We'll be in for it if the Sheikh catches us peeking.

(Mike) Not a mummy, he just test drove a Cybertruck.

♪ [ominous music] ♪

(Servo) I hate this scary pillow!

(Mike) The first Ozempic patient.

(Crow) Mummies are required by law to wear a body cam.

(Servo) They gave her a Hugh Hefner smoking jacket.

(Crow) Nice.

♪ [dramatic processional music] ♪

(Mike) Hey, guys. Mummy here.

You like my theme music?

I asked for "dramatic processional", and I think they delivered.

It'll lighten up later when I breakdance.

♪ [dramatic sting] ♪

♪ [exotic music] ♪

(Crow) She put on even MORE clothes, hell yes!

-Ugh! Agh!

(Servo) Just kind of tipped him over to death?

[grunting] [swords clanging]

[screaming] (Mike) My juggling career, no!

-Huh?

-Oof!

[metal clashing]

-Augh... agh!

(Crow) My juggling career, too, I guess!

Plus, other problems.

(Servo) ♪ [ominous humming] ♪

(Servo) Wait, I was just here. Ra, darn it!

[screaming]

(Crow) Guards provided by Cowards for Hire.

[laughing]

(Mike) Guess the Sheikh got those at M.C. Hammer's garage sale.

-[laughing]

(Servo) Give her a box of wigs, she'd be cracking up for a whole year.

[laser bwee-ew]

[shutter clicks] [electronic noises]

(Mike) Yes, kids, that's the sound of professional photography.

[shutter clicks]

[vwee-ew]

[mee-ew] (Servo) [mee-ews]

(Crow) Thomas had never driven through a kaiju skeleton before.

(Servo) Eat it, Six Flags. We got this.

[light chatter]

-This is unreal. It really gives me the creeps

being alone in here with all these mummies.

(Mike) Well, you creep us out, too.

(Crow) Yeah, you're fleshy and gross!

-Get ready to record.

-What if something happens?

-Like what?

-I don't know. Anything.

(Servo) Ah, the agoraphobic's plight.

-We're alone in here, you and I.

-Exactly.

You're with me, you have nothing to fear.

I'll protect you.

(Mike) Yep, she's doomed. (Crow) Yep.

-Look.

-Yeah, but I still have a very funny feeling about this.

(Crow) Oh, brother.

[motors whirring]

(Servo) Mummy Theme Park:

Come for the slow-opening doors, stay for the slow-opening ceiling.

[electronic pulsing]

(Mike) You guys might want to step back.

This stuff's SUPER radioactive.

[slow creaking]

(Crow) [yawns]

Pretty boring, unless there's a surprise Dracula in there.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

-I am Manaus IV,

sovereign of upper and lower Egypt.

(Servo) Well, just say "Egypt", then!

-the third dynasty-- [pew]

-Augh! Agh!

4,000 years ago in the land-- [pew]

Augh! Agh!

I was a great warrior,

and I spread the kingdom as far as the sun--

Augh! (Mike) Ow, cut that out!

My pupils are still dilated from the coffin, you jerk!

-And made Egypt superior to all--

Augh! ARGH!

(Servo) First no coconut water in my dressing room, now this?!

-The mummy's broken loose.

(Crow) Still going better than his shoot with Naomi Campbell.

[screaming]

-Better close the doors.

(Mike) Okay, NOW the mummy's gotten loose.

Sorry, I jumped the gun before.

-Come on!

[gasps]

-Arrrgh! Uragh!

(Crow) So the great pharaohs of old spent a lot of time going,

"UROOOOOARGH! RAUUUUGH!"

-Sons of bitches!

[alarms blaring] [panting]

(Servo) Hey guys, sorry for that outburst.

Can we just chat?

-Danny! -Never mind, just run!

(Mike) Oh, I hate these "28 Days Later"-style fast mummies.

-This way! -No, this way!

Quick!

-Shit!

The mummy's out of the tomb!

How the hell did it do that?!

(Servo) As a world-renowned security expert, I'm stumped!

[electronic warbling]

[touch-tone phone dialing]

[phone ringing]

♪ [exotic music] ♪

(Mike) Ugh, belly dancing again, great.

Can't you guys mix it up and do the robot every now and then?

-Emergency!

The alarm has gone off!

The mummy has broken loose!

-Well, what are you waiting for?

Put the security system into operation at once, you idiot!

(Servo) And put that light fixture off your head!

-They'll be shut in!

-I don't care about those two.

Do you know what this park cost ME?!

(Crow) ♪ MEEEEow meow meow meow

♪ meow meow meow meow

♪ meow meow meow meow... -Get out! GET OUT!

-Close the iron gratings in sections 2, 3, and 4.

(Mike) Yup, basically the only way to keep me at a family reunion.

-Come on! Keep going!

(Crow) They're locking this joint down like it was a Rite Aid.

-[heavy gasping]

Where is the way out of this goddamn labyrinth?!

-There's no sign of the train either.

(Mike) You should probably look on the train tracks?

-How do you kill a mummy?

-Search me.

You can't kill something that's already been dead for thousands of years!

(Servo) That's Keith Richards' secret.

-Close 5 and 6.

-Over here!

-There!

(Crow) Scooby-Doo will run by any second.

"Ruh-roh! Rummies!"

[heavy breathing]

[ghastly echoes]

-Ugh-- agh!

(Mike) He gave them the Moe Howard double head-conk!

(Servo) Bonk!

[computer beeps]

[engines whirring]

-Look! Danny! We can go through there!

(Servo) Go through the open doorway, brilliant!

[slam]

-Yes...

-RAGH!

(Crow) OW! Ow, ow, ow, never yell in your own mummy mask!

-Shoot an electric power surge into the microchip.

That should work!

[computer beeps]

-Urgh!

(Mike) Yes, my ice cream headache weapon works!

[pained screams]

(Crow) I'm dead, but it still hurts!

[computer beeps] [more mummy screams]

(Servo) The mummy runs on Pentium!

-Damn mummy!

(Crow) This was supposed to be a graveyard smash!

-Wait! Wait, I can't take anymore.

-Let's hide in here!

(Mike) Ignore the skeletons of previous people who hid in here.

[dramatic noises] [screams]

(Servo) This is starting to remind me of the movie Westworld,

and, to a lesser extent, the TV show based on Westworld,

Westworld.

-We're never gonna get out of here alive!

(Crow) This an okay time to ask for a raise?

[stones crashing] [screaming]

(Servo) [giggles]

-My god...

What's that noise?

(Mike) Well, that would be Panicky Idiots One through Four.

[flames roaring]

(Servo) Oh, great, and now a T-Rex is coming.

-It's all right. It's gone now.

-Oh my god...

(Crow) It's the Coors Light Chill Train! We're saved!

[screaming] [train brakes squealing]

(Mike) And yet, somehow, still a better product launch than the Metaverse.

-Fire in section 4!

-Ugh...

(Servo) Oh, my hinder. Augh...

-[coughing]

Julie.

Julie, are you okay?

(Crow) Is she okay? Buddy, she got hit by a train!

-Pull yourself together. Open your eyes.

Try and focus. Come on.

(Mike) Try to focus? She got hit by a train!

-Julie!

-Ugh...

-That's it.

-Uooooogh! Ugh! (Servo) [snickering]

-What happened?

-You gotta try and get up. Are you hurt anywhere?

(Servo) I mean, besides the parts that got hit by a train?

-We gotta get out of here. We can't hang around.

Come on! Let's go! -[sobs]

(Crow) How the hell did I get up here?!

-Arrrrrrrgh!

-He'll kill us! -Get going, quick!

-Uwagh!

-Danny, we're gonna be killed! -Then get away!

(Mike) The mummy of Mrs. O'Leary's cow started this.

-The fire is spreading. We've got to contain it.

[beep, boop]

-Bastards! No! We're in here!

(Servo) No, please, "we're in here" is the universal code for,

"I'm droppin' a stink pickle."

-Shit!

(Crow) Can't believe I bought the season pass for this place!

[flames roaring]

(Mike) You know, Ansel Adams was also killed at a mummy theme park.

(Servo) Huh. (Crow) Oh.

(Servo) I got my brain pulled out my nose for this?

♪ [gentle music] ♪

-Mmm...

(Servo) [snickers] (Crow) What...?

-What is it?

Why is he looking at me like that?

(Crow) Are you Rachel Weisz?

-Mmm...

-What the...?

-Mmm...

(Mike) Dennis Reynolds, Boob Detective.

-He's checking out your breasts!

-[sobs]

-I think he likes you.

(Servo) Still less disturbing than whatever the hell Bill Belichick is doing.

-Not for him.

Look, just open your blouse.

-Are you crazy? Pimping for a horny corpse?

-Trust me on this one, Julie.

It's the only thing that will slow him down.

(Crow) Horny equals slower. Sure.

-Mmm... (Servo) [laughing]

(Mike) Well why didn't you just do that in the first place?

-Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm mm...

(Servo) [laughing]

[horny "Mmm"-ing]

(Servo) Whoo! Great game, coach!

-[gasps] -[pained grunts]

[thuds] -Uragh!

(Crow) Okay, so if you have a horny mummy,

dump acid on it.

Got it! (Servo) Right.

(Mike) Hey, the mummy was Rudy Giuliani all along.

[distorted groaning]

(Servo) [hissing] -[sobs]

-Calm down.

Hey, it's all over. -Oh, Dan!

(Servo) ...It is Dan, right?

-I'm shattered! -It's okay. It's all right.

(Crow) Unlike most mummies, I'm juicy!

(Mike) [laughing] -Let's get out of here!

[guttural roars]

♪ [suspenseful music] ♪

-That's it! I'm tired of this shit!

(Mike) Even if I'm not getting too old for it yet!

-It's time to put the skeleton back in the closet!

♪ [tense music] ♪

(Servo) I'll teach you to knead dough with your feet.

(Crow) [chuckles]

(Crow) Oops, the pork chop fell off his face!

(Servo) Eugh...

(Servo) Why... don't you... provide a way

for rich people to pay more and skip the lines?

Huh?!

[grunts] [pained roars]

(Mike) Argh! Don't look at the papyrus under... my... bed... ugh.

-I did it.

It's finished. -Dan! Thank God you're alive.

-He won't be bothering us again.

(Crow) Careful, I used to say that about Zach Braff.

(Servo) Ooh.

[computer beeps]

[boooooo boop]

(Servo) Tubes: A big part of Mummy Theme Parks.

[boop boop boop boop]

(Mike) Remember me from House on Haunted Hill?

-No! No, I don't believe it!

-You'll never destroy the monster! -Shit!

♪ [dramatic music] ♪ [unearthly giggling]

[Dan and Julie panting]

-Eehehehehe~

(Crow) This is how I feel when I skip lunch.

(Servo) Yeah.

-Urrragh!

[bones clattering]

-Dammit!

Capture them and bring them to the palace!

(Mike) Hang on, I'll HAND-le it! [chuckling]

(Crow) Heh, heh heh... (Servo) Ugh...

-They haven't a chance, sir.

-[giggling] -[gasps]

[screams]

(Servo) This is now ALMOST as bad as my trip to Action Park.

[screaming and crying]

(Crow) Uh...

Quick, show the hand your boobs again!

[pickaxe thuds]

-Gotcha!

-Got you, you bastard! (Servo) [chuckles]

(Mike) Blanket fort!

-You are coming with us! -Move! There is no escaping!

[grunting]

♪ [gong~] ♪ (Servo) Funny bit?

No! He suffered from a smashed crotch for the rest of his life.

-You bastard! You'll pay for this!

-This has been a temporary setback.

(Crow) For whatever the hell I'm trying to do here.

-How could you use us as guinea pigs?

We risked our lives just to try out your goddamn toy!

-But you didn't die.

(Servo) Therefore, no refund.

-What the hell happened to your mummy?

Why did it react like that?

-The flash of the camera might have caused the reaction.

(Mike) Now please, I'm in the middle of a quadruple bypass.

-It must have affected the microchip in its brain.

And the creature just... just blew its top.

(Crow) Which is the medical term for it.

-My presentiments came true.

The king is not dead.

He's very much alive.

That's what the hieroglyphics on the wall...

(Servo) I want a bubble bath!

-Pharaohs are immortal because they are gods,

and they possess magic powers.

(Mike) They were the original Mindfreaks.

-What are you nattering about?

Have you gone crazy too?

-King Manaus can enter and exit from the tomb at will.

And after he has fed on the flesh of his profaners...

(Crow) Fed on the flesh of his profaners, yep, sure--

Wait, wait, wait, back up. -after death.

-I didn't spend 250 million dollars on building this park

to listen to this...

this CRAP!

(Servo) Bow to my selfie stick!

-Bury the pharaoh.

We'll get a substitute mummy!

No one will know the difference!

You know, find a dummy mummy.

(Crow) Yeah, a substitute mummy is a mummy who

wheels in the TV cart and just shows the class a movie.

-But no flash cameras, please.

Remember, you're my prisoners now.

(Mike) Well, I'm going to take very unflattering pictures of you!

You'll look tired and sallow!

[Julie wincing]

(Servo) [wincing]

-You can't do this to us!

(Servo) I guess technically you can, but you shouldn't!

-Oh, we shouldn't have come! -There must be a way out.

Oh, they're right in front of the door.

(Crow) Oh no, so now they've got to put a

towel under the door if they wanna blaze it.

(Servo) Woo~!

-You thinking what I'm thinking?

(Mike) Fun montage of us trying on outfits?

-take our revenge.

-Will you let us out of here?!

-If I get out of this alive, I'll owe you one.

(Crow) One 7-Eleven Slurpee.

...But just regular size.

(Servo) Well, he's kind of boring and average looking,

but my options here are limited.

So...

let's get this over with I suppose.

-I never thought you were so brave.

-No, it's nothing really.

Just reacted on impulse.

(Mike) I also wet my pants on impulse.

-When that revolting mummy set his sights on me,

I really thought I'd die.

-That's just because he wasn't your type.

-[laughs] And what is my type? -Me.

(Crow) Assuming you have self-esteem issues?

♪ [tender music] ♪

(Servo) Beautiful downtown...

Well, pretty much anywhere. Hard to say!

-No, there's been no news about an earthquake in Egypt here.

(Mike) How about a sexquake?

-Absolutely.

I even checked with CNN.

-You've got to call the American Embassy in Cairo.

This is serious.

Send help, we've been kidnapped!

-Now Danny, do you think that's really necessary?

(Crow) Just accept your new life of slavery.

It's such an adventure!

-Oh shit. [phone static]

Hello, can you hear me? -[static] Da--n-y?

-Damn!

(Servo) Oh, so unsatisfying... -Who are you talking to?

-Doesn't it seem a little strange to you that

no one seems to know anything about an earthquake in Egypt?

-I was so sure of everything when I came here.

(Crow) Well, not HERE with you, obviously.

-Go... and burn... their ROOM-MUH!

(Mike) "Burn their Roomba"? Why would she--

(Crow) I don't think she said that.

(Servo) Nah. -What about her?

-What if she's not crazy?

She's supposed to have royal blood.

They say she's a descendant of Cleopatra.

(Servo) No, no, she's a descendant of Miss Cleo.

-Come back.

-(Julie) Do you think she's a real princess?

It's kind of interesting, don't you think?

-(Dan) Be that as it may.

(Crow) Oh, no, come on. I'm supposed to be on break.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

I hate the fire head thing.

-put our plan into action, got that?

-Yes, yes, of course.

And then we can get out of here.

(Mike) Yeah, looks like you're really enduring some hardship.

♪ [exotic music] ♪ [chatter]

(Crow) Next stop: the Neighborhood of Make-Believe!

(Crow & Servo) ♪ [trolley sounds] ♪

-Who told you you could get on this train?

-It's none of your business.

(Mike) This subplot feels like the director working a personal thing out.

Probably something prosecutable.

[boisterous brawling]

(Servo) This happens at least twice a day on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

-Ough!

(Crow) Whoa! What do you think this is, Vampire Theme Park?

(Servo) D'oh!

-Hmph.

(Mike) Hole guys: they maintain the hole.

(Servo) This is what Ben Grimm's finger sees when he picks his nose.

♪ [ominous music] ♪

[train brakes squealing]

(Crow) Ooh, come on. This is that station that sells good gyros.

(Mike) Oh, yah.

-Get up! -Get going!

Move!

-Open the great door.

[beep beep]

(Servo) And just then,

the gift shop ran out of Bort license plates.

(Crow) Oh, great. Now that camera's trying to look down my shirt.

[erratic computer beeping]

(Mike) That was any PC ten minutes after installing Limewire.

(Servo) She's gonna patch in video of Keanu Reeves driving a bus.

♪ [dramatic music] ♪

(Crow) And lo, the mummy was blasted with radical citrus flavor.

[beep beep] -Now I'm plugged in.

We'll just get a still picture up in the control room.

[beep beep beep] I've cut them off.

[sighs] I screwed them with my laptop.

(Mike) That was the investor pitch for OnlyFans.

-Now who runs the joint?

[wooden creaking]

(Servo) Guh! I'm awake!

Has George R.R. finished the Winds of Winter yet?

-Can't use the flash.

♪ [ominous music] ♪

I'll have to open her up wide.

(Crow) Also overheard at Robert Mapplethorpe photo shoots.

- I am Manaus the IV, sovereign of upper and lower Egypt.

I ruled during the third dynasty,

4,000 years ago.

(Mike) Oh, perfect age for the U.S. Senate.

-Yes, yes, we know all that.

-I was a great warrior, and I spread the kingdom--

-Professor, if you don't mind, I'd like to have a solo photograph.

(Servo) This one's going on the dating profile.

-and made Egypt superior to all other lands.

I became a symbol of pride and glory...

(Crow) Can't believe I turned down the Swimsuit Issue for this.

[creaking]

-You cursed one!

You should not have offended the dignity

of the sacred fathers of Egypt!

(Mike) The sacred mothers of Egypt are loving it.

-Who let you in here? -I am the Queen of Eternity,

the direct descendant of Cleopatra.

The kingdom of the pharaohs is awaiting me by right.

(Servo) Also, a 10% cut of the theme park ticket sales.

-from opening this cursed park,

which spells the end of the kingdom of Egypt.

(Crow) Okay, lady, take a breath. -That's the reason.

The sacking of the royal tombs that was carried out by you!

-You're crazy!

You're a lunatic! Looney! Looney!

(Mike) You're tiny! You're toony!

-you who are the supreme god of the whole world,

who can prolong the natural span of life.

(Servo) Hey, should I be writing this down?

-Get her!

-Make the earth close up again!

[gunshot]

(Crow) Ow, my right butt cheek!

-what has been known for-- [gunshot]

(Crow) Ow, right in the same cheek!

-in the name of the ancient-- [gunshot]

(Crow) Yeah, that split the first two bullets.

- great god Ra, god of-- [gunshot]

(Crow) Which were, again, in my right butt cheek.

Yep, you guessed it, another one, right there.

[gunshot] (Crow) Owie.

-by day navigates the sky

(Mike) Jeez, Rasputin went down easier.

-and at the setting of the sun,

travels through the night! [gunshot]

(Servo) I don't think the gun is working, pal.

-long, long slumber!

-For God's sake, make her shut up!

[squelching] (Crow) Et tu, mummy?

[pained grunts] [dubbed pottery smashing]

-You...

Nekhebet!

-Let your--

(Servo) D'oh! Son of a... (Mike) Oh my god...

(Crow) She is still going.

-carry the pharaohs to the great beyond of eternal sleep!

(Mike) Ah! Grab as many souvenir ashtrays as you can!

-then heal the wound you created in her breast,

and carry with you to the nether regions.

(Servo) "Nether regions"? Oh boy.

The Sheikh's gonna get all horny again.

-Make the land close up!

Close!

Close forever!

(Crow) Can she do Skip Bayless's mouth next?

-Close forever!

Close forever!

-C'mon, Dan! Let's go!

(Mike) I guess we were in the same room all along?

[yelling]

(Servo) Good thing these trains have a SCSI port.

[electronic pulsing]

(Crow) Sure.

(Crow) Uh-huh. (Julie) Okay, now.

Work, please!

That's it! Good boy!

(Crow) Have a Milk-Bone, computer!

[electronic pulsing]

(Mike) And so the mainframe was hacked

by the fashion photographer's assistant.

-Right.

(Servo) A- Ac-- Action, huh?

(Guide) Welcome to the Mummy Theme Park,

a tour around ancient-- - Oh, go to hell!

(Crow) Yeah, give that profane speaker a good dousing!

(Servo) Yeah. (Crow) Or somethin'.

(Mike) It's Yummy Mummy and he's pissed they discontinued his cereal!

-Oh!

♪ [ominous music] ♪

(Servo) Oh, she's playing MummyCoaster Tycoon.

[gunshot] [growls]

(Crow) You fool, its only weakness is Mondays!

...No wait, that's Garfield. (Servo) Yeah.

-Think you can make it go any faster?

-I need to override the system!

(Mike) Again, just slightly outside the skill set on my CV.

[grunting] -Agh!

[thuds] [screaming]

-Augh! Agh!

(Servo) Hand over the Werther's, gramps!

-Ugh!

[crashing]

(Crow) Ooh! Junk grab!

-Uwaough!

[squelch] -Augh!

(Mike) Wha-- how did he do that? (Servo) Mummy power!

[roaring]

-We'll have to go faster or we're not gonna make it!

(Crow) So what, you want me to get out and push?

[squelch] -Yeeaaaargh!

[thunk!] -Ugh!

[thunk] [agonized scream]

[squelch] -Yeaaargh!

(Servo) This is what happens when you desecrate the tomb of a Video Toaster.

-Ah!

(Servo) Uh-oh.

(Crow) Heil Mummy!

[beep boobeep]

-Open the walls.

Is anybody there?

(Mike) Imhotep, I know you're screening my calls.

-Say something.

Why don't you reply?

I'll have you all killed, damn you!

(Servo) If you let them kill me, I'll kill you!

[electronic pulsing]

-What's the matter with you?!

What's this? Bandages? Oh no!

(Crow) I wish that had been a line in The English Patient.

[whimpering]

-Waaaaagh! ♪ [dramatic sting] ♪

(Mike) Wow, the Charmin Bears are gonna have a field day with him.

(Servo) The Little Engine That Couldn't.

(Crow) No. -What was it?

[screaming]

-Oh, God!

(Crow) Ahh! We'd have been safer building a World Cup stadium!

[beeping]

-Escape.

Go back to your own country.

Nekhebet, the Goddess of Eternity, will protect you.

(Mike) Please rate five stars on TripAdvisor.

-We made it.

[rumbling and crackling]

-Look! The crack's closing!

(Servo) A line NOT overheard at Robert Mapplethorpe photo shoots.

(Crow) Ohh...

I never got a funnel cake.

[beep]

[train brakes squealing]

(Mike) Next stop: Werewolf Theme Park.

(Crow) D'oh! (Servo) Come on!

-It's like there never was a mummy theme park.

Did we dream it?

(Servo) No, a lot of innocent people really just died.

-If that's a dream, it was a nightmare.

-[sighs]

(Crow) So, you wanna check out the Country Mummy Jamboree?

-I guess that's the way it's supposed to end.

-Mhm.

Nature's taken back what's rightfully hers.

(Mike) The mummy pizza oven was rightfully Mother Nature's.

-Ain't nature wonderful?

(Servo) Mmm!

Texting her all those eggplant hieroglyphs finally paid off.

♪ [ethereal music] ♪

(Crow) Ramses II, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

[pulsing]

(Mike) Mummy just left to go meet Abbott and Costello.

(Guide) The legend of Egypt's greatness will live on forever.

(Servo) And will return in Mummy Theme Park 2: Mummy Water Park.

(Crow) We don't swim in your sarcophagus,

please don't pee in our pool.

[slam] [wheel clicks]

[film reel clattering]

[wind blowing] [window unbreaks]

-Come back, Mike.

Come back and play.

Come back and play...

[bike bell chimes] [hatch hisses]

(Kev 9000) I think you should take a stress pill and think things over, Mike.

♪ [light music] ♪ [popcorn popping]

-Hurry, guys, it's coming for me!

-Do you really need to use a shovel, Mike?

-Yeah, it's muh smackin' shovel.

What else am I gonna use fer smackin'?

-Hurry up! -All right, on three.

One, two...

-Smacky, smack, smack, smack.

-Would you stop saying smack already?

-So you don't like the smacks? -No, do-- uh-oh.

-Oh, great. Now, where'd it go?

-I don't know. Better find it quick.

I hear if those things lay eggs,

you have to fumigate the whole place and burn your furniture.

-Yeah, makes sense.

-Is it gone? -Uh, sure thing, Crow.

Everything's peachy! -Thank goodness.

-And... now!

[ka-bong!] (Crow) Agh!

-Ah! There we go.

Fully smacked. [birds tweeting]

And hey, thanks for being such a good sport about it there, pal.

-Hey, no problem, mister.

-We'll get a broom and sweep up these phalanges.

They're all over the place.

-Oh, great. And now Pearl's calling. I do want to take this,

because I want to see how that whole theme park thing is going.

[cartoonish babbling]

-Dear, sweet, handsome Osiris,

please guide me in ways of theme parking.

Tax breaks, parking lot upcharges, child labor, the works.

-Hi, fellas.

Pearl here is a little distracted talking to her new BFF, Osiris.

-Yeah, it's like she is obsessed with this Mr. Osiris.

We don't even exist anymore.

-Pipe down, you dolts!

Osiris is telling me how much to charge for soda refills.

-Don't let us interrupt you, Pearl.

I'm sure planning a theme park is a lot of work.

-Crow, honey, you feeling okay?

-Uhh, don't let us dinterrupt you, Mearl.

I'm sure spangling a peemthark is a wot of lurk.

-Yes, spangling a peemthark is a wot of lurk.

...A lot of work.

I kinda wanna skip it?

What do you say, you great chiseled hunk of Osiris,

how about we move ahead to the final phase of the plan and...

[echoing] DESTROOOY THE THEME PAAAARK!

[rumbling] [screaming]

-Ooh, that looks pretty bad.

-Yeah, see, this is why I try to avoid

communing with ancient gods of death and stuff.

- ♪ your answer do~ ♪

-Well, that was quite interesting.

I think I swallowed my gum.

-Oh, shoot, it looks like Osiris got all broke.

-Awww.

I'm terribly sorry about your boyfriend, Pearl.

-He wasn't my boyfriend!

We hadn't had the talk yet.

Well, at least Brain Boy sent in the insurance paperwork.

-[laughing] Oh, about that, sent in...

That's very funny, actually, because...

-Oh dear. -Where is it?

Where's that envelope, you silly, stupid old fool?

-Here, it's in my hand.

-Right, that's the whole problem.

-Precisely.

-Typical.

Well, I guess that's that.

Another one bites the dust.

Push the button, Osiris.

-I'm afraid Osiris isn't here anymore, Pearl.

-Do you honestly think I don't know that?!

We were gonna go to Paris...

-Okay, I'll take care of it.

So long, guys.

[click] (Pearl) Ohh...

♪ O in theatro sumus ♪ (O in theatro sumus)

♪ Theatrum est scientia ♪ (Theatrum est scientia)

♪ Scientia est mysterium ♪ (Scientia est)

♪ Mysterium est theatrum ♪ (Mysterium)

♪ O in theatro sumus ♪ (O in theatro, in theatro)

♪ Potente sumus homo et ♪ (Potente sumus homo et)

♪ O in theatro sumus ♪ (Machina)

♪ (Potente sumus)

♪ Theatrum est scientia ♪ (Potente sumus)

♪ (Potente)

♪ Scientia est mysterium ♪ (In theatro sumus)

♪ In theatro sumus ♪ (In theatro sumus)

♪ [twaaang~] ♪

-Shit!

The mummy's out of the tomb!

How the hell did it do that?!

-Hey guys, I thought we'd go through a couple of letters we got up here.

-Oh, you thought that, did you?

-Fabulous! -Can I do it?

-Yes, please. -We'll go ahead with that.

-This person wrote in, they said, "Dear guys,

I've been a long-time lover of the show,

but for some mind-boggling reason,

have never written in until now."

(Servo) Wow!

(Mike) We had been wondering about that.

(Crow) Yeah, where you been, man?

(Mike) It had boggled our mind. (Servo) They haven't been able to sleep.

-And then you say,

"We both love all the costumes for the host segments and are

um, so happy that Diva...

is in the... Diva Beez is in the saddle to wrangle that."

-Oh, is that the lady who puts clothing on me occasionally?

-That's the one!

-I don't know who you're talking about.

We don't wear costumes, but that's fine.

We're nude most of the time.

-I like a costume every now and then.

-Anyway, that's very nice. Thank you.

-That was from Trent and Carrie Rayleigh.

I believe that's how that's pronounced. -Thank you, Trent and Carrie.

-Uh, "Greetings from New Zealand."

Do you guys have New Zealand accents in you?

(Servo) That's... uh-- meybey?

It sounds a lot like my Australian accent.

-Ahh... Yeah. -[laughing]

-Let's just say yes and move on.

-Yes. -Okay.

-"I just thought I would write and say thank you.

Mystery Science is a really special thing

that has brought a lot of happiness to a lot of people."

And he is from... this is Matt LaPlante from Potumaho?

-Yeah, that's how I pronounce it.

-Okay. [laughs] All right then.

-Thank you, uh... -Matt.

-Thank you, our lovely Kiwi friends.

(Mike) Now, this is kind of special. This is a postcard.

This person says,

"I've been a fan. Thank you so much.

Please enjoy my ukulele arrangements of some of the classics.

-What? -"That we did", yeah.

So here they are, one after the other.

Um, Danger Death Ray, Creeping Terror Boogie, Hobgoblins.

(Servo) Oh, yeah. (Crow) Oh my goodness.

-Don't remember, the Greatest Frank of All?

-Nice.

-These are all arranged for ukulele.

-That's beautiful.

-If you want to get up on a stage at an open mic

and be twee as humanly possible.

-There you go. -There's your man.

-Take your ukulele and use these arrangements.

So there you go.

-Well, I for one love your letters and keep sending them to:

Mystery Science Theater Information Club, P.O. Box 190, Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343.

Won't you? -Planet Earth.

♪ It's time for RiffTrax! (RiffTrax!) ♪

-So, how's the baseball season going, Tommy?

I assume the Cleveland Spiders are in the thick of the pennant race.

-The Spiders haven't been a team for 130 years, Grandpa.

Guh!

-Well, that leaves the door open for the Baltimore Unions!

Oh, when they're on a win streak,

the games at Belair Lot must be quite the affair.

-Heh heh. -Urgh!

They tore down Belair Lot during the Chester A. Arthur administration!

You're embarrassing me in front of Crow!

-Nah.

Hey, Grandpa, if Belair Lot wasn't currently

a depressing mixed-use apartment building

on top of a sweet green,

I'd watch a game there with you any time.

-Oh, that's nice, Crow.

-Tell me more about the baseball of your youth, Grandpa Servo.

-Well, we didn't have RBIs because

Abner Doubleday thought them ungentlemanly.

-[chuckles]

-Pinch hitters had to arrive by Pony Express,

and shortstops had just been legalized

after a landmark ruling by Chief Justice Salmon P. Chase.

-That doesn't make any sense, you old fossil.

-Ah, you know, horse hide was scarce,

so the womenfolk would macrame new baseballs between innings.

And sometimes, in the middle of a game,

the whale oil refinery would let out, and all of a sudden,

the bases would be full of factory workers reeking of spermaceti.

-Fascinating.

I can see why George Will is so romantic about this sport.

-Old baseball is lame!

We have advanced statistics now, like FIP and WAR.

-Ho ho ho, we had WAR.

Crimean War!

That conflict interrupted Pipfoot Scruggin's legendary season

where he pitched 92 complete games in one afternoon!

-Cool.

I wish I had a Grandpa like you, Grandpa Servo.

-You're a good boy, Sara.

-Uh, Crow.

-That's nice.

-[groans]

♪ ["Savor the Flavor" instrumental] ♪

♪ (Oh, boy!) [ding~] ♪♪