Original subtitles

Well, howdy. I'm Cletus.

Welcome to Heaven.

Guess you did something good to get here,

and good people deserve to give loved ones special blessings.

- ♪ Does it make you want to cry ♪

♪ when your loved one has to die? ♪

♪ Does it hurt you through and through ♪

♪ when your face is turning blue? ♪

♪ Well, luckily for you ♪

♪ there's something we can do ♪

♪ We can help keep them alive ♪

♪ so you can watch them thrive ♪

♪ 'Cause here at C-H-E-R-U-B ♪

♪ save your honey bun from dying violently ♪

♪ 'Cause here at C-H-E-R-U-B ♪

♪ no, we never even ask a fee ♪

♪ Because good people spread the love ♪

♪ and we're here for all above ♪

♪ I'll do the paperwork for you ♪

♪ and the heavy lifting, too ♪

♪ So sit right back and let us ♪

♪ bless a soul for you ♪

♪ Oh, we ♪

♪ are the C-H-E-R-U-B ♪♪

-Nice one, B.

Give me another, Mox.

Eh, no. Not feeling it. Next.

Uh-huh, keep going, keep going, keep going.

I say, I say,

are you looking to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets?

Well, call me, at Wacky Wally Wackford's Wacky Idea Factory,

where you make the things and I make the money.

Please. I'm very desperate.

Bingo.

You're on a roll, sir.

-Guys, do you feel that?

Oh, shit, is that a hell-shake?

-That's possible? -All right.

Don't panic, Moxxie.

I'm not "panicking," because hell-quakes don't happen.

Stop getting hysterical, fatty.

Do not be afraid.

Please tell me you got that insurance thing.

Who are you and what do you want?

I am Loopty Goopty, dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish.

Could've just used the door, dude.

Doesn't need to be this whole thing.

I am eccentric and must therefore do eccentric shit.

Ugh, this old fuck

reeks of the living world.

Did you just die?

Yes. Moments ago, in fact,

which is what brought me here.

Just saying, the front door would've gotten you here fine.

Shut up, dear furry.

This is the man I'm gonna need you to kill.

Not even a shit's length of time in hell

and already plotting revenge.

I can respect a man with that sort of passion.

I'm Blitzo, the "O" is silent.

What O?

Aw, thank you, now what's the tea, sis?

The tea?

Guys, help.

Yeah, why are we killing this guy? I mean, what did he do to you?

He was my business partner.

You see, I was not always an old man.

My partner Lyle and I ran Lyle-Loopty Robotics,

a technological empire.

Earlier today, we were testing a new machine

intended to stop or reverse the aging process.

It could've saved all three trillionaires.

Unfortunately, we neglected to test the machine on the poor,

like we usually do.

We were too sure of our own genius.

But the machine was accidentally set forward.

By the time we managed to get out,

it was too late.

At least, for me.

Now that evil son of a bitch

is going to take over the empire we built together.

Without me to share it with, he'll make all the goddamn money in the world

and become the fourth trillionaire

-and get all the credit.

Eh, that's not really evil.

It's evil towards me.

Everything is going dark.

Now get your crimson asses up above

and send that heartless, no-good son of a bitch to Hell

where he belongs.

Y-You do know, Poopty--

-Loopty. -Of course. Of course.

If we do kill him, though, and he ends up down here,

you know you will be stuck with him, forever.

Oh, trust me, I'm counting on it.

That's kind of hot.

Gee, I wonder

-whose house this is. -And to your right,

is the home of famous inventor Lyle Lipton.

Let's do it, gang.

Let's kill this rich guy.

And here you'll find

three tacky stalkers about to attempt a murder.

Things like this can happen to famous people all the time.

Wow.

That machine really did a number on him.

Goodbye, my one true love.

All the riches of the world can't fill the emptiness I'm feeling

now that my shitty old body can't do anything of value.

Oh, fantastic, he's gonna do our job for us.

Should we go in there and tie it for him?

Oh, Lord, I'm being haunted by ugly orphan children now.

Who the fuck are they?

Oh, no. Sir, those are--

Cherubs, Mr. Lyle.

I hate filthy, stinking orphan children.

We're here to convince you not to kill yourself, sir.

To grant you a blessing on behalf of those in Heaven

benefited by your amazing technological advances.

Oh, hell no.

Don't listen--

Lyle Lipton, it is our...

humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die.

I mean, what do you expect to do with all this money now you're old and gross?

Is that a serious question?

He can help spread his wealth around with the people of the world,

and do so much good with it.

And be so fulfilled.

-Mm, no. -He could pay for new hospitals

and schools.

Why won't you let me die?

Aw, sounds like you need help

offing yourself there, buddy.

Moxxie, what do we got for this fella?

I have some assault weapons, crossbow,

hunting bow, tommy gun, old-fashion shotgun,

revolvers in three colors, chain saws, katanas--

-He's classier than that.

There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle.

Yeah, right, smells like he ain't been out of bed in months.

Life can be beautiful at any age.

And we'll show him.

- Yeah! - No!

Look around, Lyle. God's gift

of nature is a wonder to behold,

regardless of age or wealth.

If you were to end your life, you'd be missing all of this.

Mm-hmm, you gonna buy that load of shit

from a baby and the sheep it fucks?

That is so inappropriate.

Oh, kiss our ass, prude.

Anyway, take it from me, a fellow genius.

Nature is no picnic up close.

- Oh, no.

-S-Stop looking. -I can't stop.

I've never wanted to die more than I do now.

Let's check out someplace else.

Oh, Lord, where are we now?

Let me perish.

We're here to show you another thing life is worth living for.

-Childhood wonderment.

Why, look at those sweet, disease-ridden vermin.

T-Their joy comes from innocence unspoiled

by the burdens of adulthood and their middle-class existence.

Such simple joy they have.

It is inspiring.

Thank you for showing me this.

Hey, dipshit.

Want to see whose lap you're sitting on?

-Ooh.

It's a demon!

Ugh, this place reeks of teenagers.

Lover's Lookout, sir.

We're here to remind you about possibly life's greatest joy of all.

-Money. -No. Love.

I've never been in love before.

I imagine it's quite nice.

It's not too late, sir, you can still find--

Ha! Nice try, ugly.

Hey, horny lovers, which one of you would fuck this old man?

You know, you three are so utterly c-cruel.

We're just trying to give hope to someone in need.

Oh, and you three are so superior to us,

just because we want some selfish, greedy, authoritarian capitalist

to keel over dead.

You're making things too real now, Moxxie.

Behold, the wonder of art and music.

Something always there to comfort, entertain and live for.

So, how do we make this bad?

We can't, there's literally nothing bad about opera.

That's fact.

Unless we ruin it somehow.

She's not very good.

Ooh.

Well, at least we made it bad.

That's it! I have had it.

You three monsters have messed with us enough.

Oh, we're just trying to do our j-job.

Well, so are we.

Enough!

We are saving that shitty old man's life

whether he wants it or not.

Well, someone wants that fucker dead, okay?

And he paid in advance and I spent it all on this.

So he's got to go.

You are all such disgusting, loathsome beasts.

Your kind is nothing but dirt that shitty dead people tread on.

And now you're trying to meddle with the lives of humans?

So are you.

So why don't you shut your trap,

you judgmental, cotton candy tit-having bitch?

Filthy demon!

It's all starting to make sense now.

Life is worth living because we only get one.

We must cherish it.

If creatures far beyond this living world

are going to these lengths over my life, then certainly it's worth living.

Killing myself is not the answer.

Plus, I'm still rich.

I can just buy all the things.

I no longer crave death.

Oof, you fucker.

Well, well, would you look at that?

You did our job for us. Ha!

Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh, oh, my God.

Get ahold of yourself, Collin.

And do not use the Lord's name in vain.

This isn't over.

What the--

Mm, yeah, no, sorry, Cletus,

but I'm afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human.

I'm afraid you can't reenter Heaven, yeah, no.

What?

Yeah, mm, sorry.

Yeah. No.

Is there anything we can do?

Yeah, no.

No, no, no.

Oh, no.

But-but we didn't mean to.

We never... it was all--

Anyway, sorry, guys, but those are the rules.

Yeah, bye.

Wait. But--

Well, the old man wanted to live again and we didn't kill him, so we failed.

Thanks to those fucking cherubs, he's probably up in Heaven now,

so, it's a shame.

All our client wanted was eternal revenge on his business partner,

and now the two are forever separated

and now we got to face the fire of fucking up.

Sir, when are you going to tell the client?

Oh, I already sent him a text and we're in good hands,

'cause texts don't make people angry.

Blitzo!

Loofa, we can explain everything. I was--

Lyle Lipton?

I don't understand. We thought you went to Heaven.

Heaven?

You don't make millions in technological advances and robotics

by not experimenting on the poor.

Oh, you no-good, heartless son of a bitch.

Thank you for reuniting me with my best friend.

The only question now is what do two old genius robotic inventors do

now that we're in Hell?

Did someone say, I say, "inventors"?

Name's Wally Wackford, and I am looking for creative new people to exploit.

I mean, employ.

Everyone, stop fucking up my walls.

Moxxie's gonna have to fix all this shit.

Eh, chill out, Moxxie, if you kiss my ass any harder

you'll go right inside me.

Satan's balls, first we deal with Heaven's table scraps, now this?

I guess. You can say, you say,

you have a "holy" operation here, Blitz-o.

-Get out.

Ha! I say, ha!

No, I'm serious, get the fuck out!