Original subtitles

hi there internet

i'm john oliver host of last week

tonight we're on break

at the moment but i still wanted to give

you something because i worry that if

people stop paying attention to me

i'll die specifically i wanted to talk

to you about

octopuses not octopi because that's a

latin plural suffix and the word octopus

is derived from greek

the greek plural would be octopies but

that's still not technically correct

because

words adopted into english take an

english plural

suffix which is how we get two octopuses

there now you know how to end a tinder

date in 10 seconds

and before we start i am fully aware

that there are plenty of amazing animals

in the ocean which is as we know

a big wet trash bin full of god's

weirdest typos

there is the pistol shrimp a leggy

little customer with one big claw

that it can snap so powerfully that the

shock wave stuns its prey

yeah it has a gun arm then there is the

wandering meatloaf a lumpy mollusk with

rock-hard teeth and not as the name

suggests

the singer of paradise by the dashboard

light entering a fugue state

but i'm not going to talk about any of

those because i want to talk

about octopuses the subject of among

other things a terrible beatles song

and this year's oscar winner my octopus

teacher a documentary about

an octopus and nothing else of

consequence

and octopus by the way the filmmakers

didn't even bother to thank in their

acceptance speech which is not only a

dick move it's also

concrete proof that octopuses aren't

getting nearly the credit they deserve

it is genuinely confusing to me the

octopuses

aren't the most celebrated animals on

the internet especially when

every fact about them is a hit fact they

have

three hearts they have blue blood they

have beaks

they have massive brains that are

essentially wrapped around their

esophagus yeah that's right

if an octopus swallows a five dollar

foot long it gets a concussion

also did you know they could change

their shape color and texture

because they can take this plant here

for instance oh

i'm just kidding it's a octopus

here is an octopus looking like a rock

then changing its mind

and looking like another plant

unbelievable

and that's not all some of these stealth

bagpipes can go on full

on animorphs the mimic octopus makes

itself

look like a living moving animal so it

pulls all of its arms around behind its

body

and swims along like a poisonous flat

fish called abandoned soul

in other cases if it's getting attacked

it puts six arms down a hole

and raises the other two arms to look

like a poisonous sea snake that has

bands along its body

norman is not always sure exactly what

the mimic is doing

[Music]

he observed this mimic scuttling along

the sea bottom

looking something like a furry turkey

with human legs

yes so left to its own devices the mimic

octopus is hanging out on the bottom of

the ocean

inventing new pet ideas a furry turkey

with human legs

give it to me come on what other animal

has camouflage

close to that chameleons the out of

here

i can see it right there what are you

gonna do chameleon

slowly turn a different shade of green

you're garbage unless hold on

holy it was an octopus the whole

time clever

beautiful clever girl but some octopuses

don't need to morph into other animals

to be impressive some

live an effortlessly majestic life like

the wonderpus

photogenicus seen here absolutely

thriving no exaggeration there's an

octopus called the wonderful

photogenicus

it's hands down the best sequence of

words i have ever come across

there are exactly two things that you

are legally allowed to call that thing

wonder photogenicus and queen both

followed immediately by

can i get you anything here is one fact

about human beings i think about all the

time

none of us are remotely interesting to

look at when we're just existing

the most dynamic looking among us put a

massive amount of work in

just to be borderline presentable but

for the most part we all look like

nothing

just nothing at our absolute best

we're a bunch of tubes just lazily

detailed tubes i hate looking at humans

they're all bad but the wonderpus

photogenicus

strutting gracefully through a group of

garden eels

she's a parade now i know what

you're thinking you're thinking

keep talking about octopuses john you're

doing great i am i will thank you

because

did i mention octopuses are also smart

this octopus learned to take two coconut

halves

and turn itself into a rolling tank two

use

tool use and they're not just smart you

also get the sense that some octopuses

think

we are idiots back in the 1950s

researchers tried to train three

octopuses to pull a lever

in exchange for food two of them did so

but one of them

named charles spent his time in the

study destroying the equipment

and repeatedly squirting the

experimenter with water charles

was a very good octopus and we should be

learning about him in school

we should learn everything about

octopuses because every single fact or

video about them is great

even the weird ones take this deeply

disturbing video

of a man who let a cute small octopus

crawl in and out of his mouth and i

should warn you

the video you're about to see contains

exactly what i just said it does

now is that pleasant to watch no of

course it isn't but

you know who i'm not mad at there the

octopus

that octopus did nothing wrong in fact

the only way that video could have been

improved

is if that man died that is how i feel i

don't have

anything against that indisputably

stupid man i just think that it would be

funny if he went swimming

saw an octopus encourage the octopus to

slide into his dumb mouth

filmed it and then just died forever

i think it would lead to some incredible

conversations uh scuba trevor's funeral

is today he choked on an octopus oh my

god

are you going to sue the restaurant

where it happened it's actually more

complicated than that

based on the information i have so far i

disagree please say more

he was swimming and opened his mouth and

got an octopus to crawl inside and then

he couldn't get the octopus out of his

mouth because octopuses are strong

and also he was using one of his hands

to film the whole thing

okay then i thought i had lots of

questions but it's really just two

uh can i see that footage immediately

and is that hero octopus okay

now thankfully for our purposes that guy

is fine

probably partly because octopuses are

curious and not remotely malevolent

despite

what you might gather from

sensationalized news stories like

geologists beaten up by angriest octopus

on the beach

do you want to see the footage in

question there of course you do here it

is

oh gully yeah

golly indeed now i know that some people

could use videos like that as an

argument that octopuses are jerks but

honestly

if there are two parties on a beach and

one films the other party without

permission

who's being the real jerk there it is

the point of view of this show

and youtube and hbo and whatever massive

mega company currently owns us

that the guy filming that is the jerk

and sends him in for a penny i hope that

man's dead too

i do look there is so much more to know

about octopuses

i didn't even get into the fact that the

giant pacific octopus

has as many as 2 240 suction cups

that can grip objects and also taste you

think

thumbs are such a big deal thumbs

call me when you can taste 2 000 slices

of pizza without getting your mouth

involved you're

idiot but look look america and

to some extent the world all i've been

trying to say in this piece and in a way

my entire life is that octopuses are

cool

cats have dominated the internet for far

too long and it is past

time the octopuses get their turn that's

it

that's my whole argument here octopuses

are great

i don't have some big call to action i'm

not going to bring out

a giant octopus mascot although

that is a good idea i should get on that

instead

i just hope that this video helped you

appreciate octopuses a little more than

you did when it started

thank you so much for watching we'll be

back july 25th unless

i get murdered by an octopus before then

and god

i hope so bye