Original subtitles

We are Nadja and Laszlo, the human music group.

She's a superb lyricist.

* We're feeling horny for blood We're feeling horny for love *

(up-tempo music plays)

VOCALISTS: Hey!

*

When the last time you told your-your homeboys

that you love them and you appreciate them and value them?

-EMMA: No... -(indistinct chatter on video)

-Mm. -Turn that shit off.

I'm sorry. Just go back to sleep.

(Emma groans)

Did I get curb-stomped last night?

I feel like my brain cells have been removed from my head and...

Neither of those.

...put together randomly.

(Elz chuckles)

There was this little dude named "Tequila,"

and he came around, and you lost that fight.

(Elz chuckles)

-You're an idiot. -(laughs)

(Emma grunts softly)

(squeaking)

(Elz laughs)

What the...?

Whoa. Are you trying to smoke my USB right now?

(laughs)

Oh, my God.

Just properly eject next time, please?

-(chuckling) -(inhaling)

(coughing)

See, that's what you get, Chernobyl.

(coughing)

ELZ: It's gonna kill you and me.

What? Stop looking at me like that.

Ow.

Do you want water or anything?

No, I'm good.

-You want a hug? -No.

-A high five? -Can you just stop talking?

What the fuck happened to...?

(sniffs) Ugh.

-Oh, my... -Can I borrow a shirt?

Yeah, but you look like a victim right now.

I'm kidding.

Let's see what we have here.

(drawer opens)

Boom.

No.

You wear that all the time.

Everyone's gonna know it's your shirt.

Well, haters gonna hate, so you get...

(chuckling): a P.E. shirt.

How's it feel...

* To be with me? *

-(snaps fingers) -You're so weird.

Don't overreact and shit like that.

I hold the door for everybody, girl.

My mom raised a gentleman.

You're so overly dramatic.

Uh... what are you about to do?

No plans. Just gonna continue being alive.

Yeah.

I got a meeting in a second.

I should probably, like, shower or something,

so I don't smell like tequila and ass when I get there, huh?

Well, appreciate the, uh, hospitality.

Is that what you do to everybody after you have sex? You just

-punch them twice? -Bye.

Fuck!

(touch tones sounding)

-(phone ringing through) -(scoffs)

Yeah, I think somebody broke into your car.

WOMAN: 911. Where is your emergency?

-* Hi, I'm Dave * -* I'm Lil Dicky *

-* Hi, I'm Dave * -* Who's Dave? *

* Hi, I'm Dave. *

Correct me if I'm wrong.

You usually call 911 when, like-- I don't know--

you're being currently stabbed in the chest or something,

not when someone broke into your car.

Well, my day just got stabbed in the chest.

Now I got to deal with the cops, and then... oh, insurance

and all that shit.

And hope that my work is saved on the cloud.

Don't call the cops while I'm sitting next to you,

'cause then I'm under arrest,

'cause I apparently broke into your car.

-(chuckles) -And then I'm in handcuffs,

and then you have no T-shirt, no dick, no laptop.

I'm good on the T-shirt and the dicks,

but you're right about the cops.

They're just gonna make me file a report,

and then go back to beating up poor people.

(both chuckle softly)

You don't have to stay here with me.

All right, nigga. See you later.

(laughs)

-Could you imagine? -Wow.

Ooh, is that a roly-poly?

Well, yeah, I couldn't leave you looking homeless.

This is your shirt.

-(phone chimes) -(Elz sighs)

Mm-hmm.

(music plays over phone)

Bro, every fucking time!

What's up?

This is my beat, and some SoundCloud rapper just stole it

and recorded his lame-ass verse to it

and didn't give me any credit.

Let's take the beat and kill his mom to it.

It's just, like... why am I still dealing with this shit?

Like, how fucking old am I?

Do you know what it feels like

to just have your work stolen from under you?

No fucking clue.

Now I'm about to DJ

this fucking silent disco tonight like a creep.

I just be sitting in sessions with Trippie

for, like, 12 fucking hours, not playing any beats

on my hard drive 'cause I'm scared.

But like, bro, I want to be a fucking producer, you know?

If you want to be an actual producer, show him.

Have you met this kid? He's so intimidating.

There's an "eight" in the middle of his fucking face, like...

like a fucking calculator or something, brah.

That shit is nerve-racking.

Speaking of, when's your meeting?

Um...

Uh...

it's not really important.

They don't need me every second of it.

(sighs) You don't have to do that.

-Do what? -Treat me like a fucking random.

You don't have to make up a meeting just to get rid of me.

Oh, make up a meeting?

I didn't make up a meeting.

I just... You know, it was...

Today is...

a day, and tomorrow's another day, and...

Look, we were friends before whatever happened last night,

so you don't get to act different now.

You're not gonna say "bye," give me a hug, nothing?

-Get off my car. -Or else what?

I'll run you over.

Really? You're gonna run me over?

Wait, wait. Before you start your car, can you hear me?

-Huh? -It's a joke. Your window's broken.

-(laughs) -(car starts)

-Get out of the way. -You're not gonna do shit.

-(engine revs, horn toots) -Really?!

-EMMA: Bye. -Hey!

You left your vape! You left your vape!

Yo, so I got this crazy idea for a music video, right?

So it looks like you're walking down a nail polish aisle.

It's just, like, a bunch of rows of bottles

of nail polish in order of flesh tone.

But then you zoom in,

and it's just a bunch of naked-ass dudes

organized by, like, every race-- light skin,

dark skin, brown skin, every tone. Crazy, right?

Well, let me hit you back when I leave the studio.

All right.

You want to be in a music video?

I... don't really think that's my thing.

I don't have the chest for that.

-But you want some coffee? -I'll do the coffee,

but I don't fuck with milk.

Out of respect for cows?

Out of respect for the titties.

-Well, this is pea milk from a pea. -(phone ringing)

There's literally not one titty involved, so,

-I guess you could kind of... -Hold that thought, pea milk.

Yo, this dude is, like, punking out, asked to be in my video.

(mimicking): Punking out.

Yeah, see, they got all the candy in here, so...

I'm gonna take you to where all the candy is. (mumbles)

Oh, man.

-What's up, man? How are you? -What's going down?

Chill... chillin'.

-Right. -Um, are you gonna

record later or anything, or...?

-Yeah, I'm-a be in there. -All right, cool, 'cause I

wanted to load up some beats for you.

-If you have any time... -Look-look-look, before that,

uh, can you do me a favor?

-Mm-hmm. -Okay, look,

this is my nephew Sauron.

Hey, Sauron. I'm Elz.

Hi, Elz.

That's a cool chain you got.

-Are those diamonds? -Yes.

So, look, I was supposed to take him shopping, but I can't

'cause I got to go do this music video,

and it ain't the right surrounding for a little bro,

so I need you to go take him shopping for me.

-Take him shopping? -Yeah, like,

take him to Beverly Hills, yeah.

Sir, I don't think you understand.

Bro, I don't have any money.

Like, I work here. I'm a normal dude.

I got money. Sauron, how much money you need?

This much.

All right, I got you.

That's a... awful lot of money

to hand a child. How old is he?

Now, what do we do?

-Share. -We share.

I'll see you later, Sauron.

-All right, dude, I appreciate it. -Uh...

uh, man... I feel like one of these people

he might be more comfortable with.

(mumbles)

(sighs) What do I...

Do you need to eat food? Do you eat?

Yes.

What a treat this is.

His face is...

I love him.

Let me ask you this, and forgive my ignorance, but...

do most engineers that are trying to become producers

take the babysitting route?

You know, I'm sure Dr. Dre at one point in time

-had to babysit someone. -He babysat? Yeah. I...

This is not my industry. I mean, it's my industry,

but it's not my, like, you know, my niche.

Yeah. What is your niche, rapping?

Ooh, hard to put your finger

on what my niche is. I'm very, like, multidimensional.

You know, I do rap-- you saw me go viral with, like, a stunt

where I impacted the entire culture of America.

Yeah, for a bunch of middle school kids.

-Whoop-de-doo. -The way I see it,

you-you've kind of entered this, like, wormhole

that reverses your trajectory and, like, your career

borderline has Benjamin Button's disease,

-Interesting. Okay. -'cause you just keep going backwards.

Your career could have any sort of disease you want it to have,

because I can take half of it.

-How? -Do you real...

I own half of your stuff, 'cause I make the beats.

-Okay. -Therefore...

-Right. -really, you're waiting on me

to make everything happen, Captain.

You're right. I'm sorry. It's just guys being guy...

But you know what, you need a producer tag.

-No.'Cause producer tags are so corny, though. -Yeah, that... They are corny,

but yours can be cool...er than most, and also,

the-the reason that they exist

is so people don't just, like, run away with the beat.

Look, let's make one right now.

Voice memo up, and...

* Elz!

* No...!

* Don't take it!

Just playing with you.

I'll give you a good one. Hold on.

* Elz, please don't steal my beat *

-* Or Elz. -See? No.

I think-- You know what it has to be? A female's voice.

I can do f... Okay, that's easy.

(feminine voice): * Elz, I know how to use the software well *

* But I don't know how to navigate *

* This industry socially.

-Sexy Latin woman. -That's fine. Easy.

'Cause everything you say right now sounds like shit.

Sexy Latin. I got that, too. Okay.

* Ooh, Elz, papito, how did you make it *

* With the software in time in between fucking me so good? *

Enough. You're too satisfied with my misfortunes.

It's just guys being guys.

You're not a guy, you're a dick.

I can't believe Trippie entrusted you with this child.

Bro, I can't believe it, either.

Think about it. He has, like, a heartbeat.

-Yeah. -Beats.

It's not, like, his session files.

-You know, this is a... -Bro, vocals,

I'm fine with stuff like that, yeah.

Realistically, would you rather lose this child

or lose all of his session files?

I don't want to contemplate either of those options.

They both sound terrifying.

Are these wooden shirts?

Yep.

All these shirts are 100% wood.

-(chuckles) -What a concept.

I have never heard of this. This is very innovative.

Are these things flying off the shelves?

Uh, yeah, not quite flying.

Have you ever been on Shark Tank or anything?

What's that?

It's a TV show.

Oh, I-I just reentered society.

I want one.

-The wooden shirt? -By all means, man.

You got ten grand.

Try one on, man.

-Want to try this one on, buddy? -Yeah.

-Are these splinter-free? -Splinter-free.

Took a year to figure that out.

Where do you wear these? Like...

socially, like, how does it...

Yeah, anywhere you'd wear a normal shirt.

-Hunting... -I hope you don't have any woodpeckers

in your neighborhood.

I don't mean that, like...

molestually, or...

Yo, this is hard.

You look like Pinocchio took steroids.

DAVE: You look like if they made a new Pinocchio movie, you know,

today with all the progressive racial casting in mind.

-(Elz laughs) -Can you even, like, run around in it or anything?

-Like, do you have mobility? -Yeah.

Oh, wow!

-ELZ: Yeah. -You're like Barry Sanders right now.

-Look at you. -You're, like, the first wheel ever.

You're like Muhammad Ali.

-Oh! Sauron! -Oh! Oh, my lord.

Don't... It's gonna scrape. You can't... It's gonna scrape.

-SAURON: I can't get up. -Uh, can you roll over?

-SAURON: No. -Aah, he can't even...

-He's, like, a... What do y... -ELZ: Aah!

-One, two, three, lift. -(yelling)

Oh, my lord!

-Are you all right? -Yeah.

-Oh. -You're buying? Oh, my God.

-DAVE: Thank God this is hard. -ELZ: Jesus.

You got any socks?

Hey, this your boy Kid Toilet here to drop my new single.

-The beat is fire on it. -ELZ: Fucking thief.

It's called "Pops, Percs, Oxys and Xannies."

If your pops like me right now, drop a comment below.

-Kid Toilet. Flush with pride. -(knocking)

-What's up? -What's up, buttercup?

Wow.

-Fancy. -Little bit.

How are you?

Eh, been better.

Wait a second.

Oh, hell yes.

Just you know, all this other equipment, it's un-smokable.

Just fair warning, just in case you try

to pick anything up randomly and hit it.

Wow. You're funny.

What's going on with your laptop, kiddo?

(groans) Investigation's ongoing.

But you know what? I may start stealing laptops,

because apparently there's no consequences for it.

Unless I, uh...

(whispers): ...I turn you in.

I knew you were a rat.

What am I gonna do with you?

-Stand up 69 where I hold you? -(laughs)

-Dude, let's do it. -Hey, punch me in.

I'm about to go crazy, bruh.

Let me get a session, man.

I'm trying to go Einstein in the booth.

Me and him could be making classics right now.

-Oh. -Come on, man.

We supposed to be making hits.

Um, I'm gonna leave you guys.

Hold on. You stay here. Don't you got the plug

on the stick and dot tattoos and the poke and shit?

Like, I'm trying to get tatted, like, blasted for real.

-At my place, yeah. So what are you thinking? -Man, I'm thinking about,

you know, Maserati, me in the back with two Chinese joints,

you know, like, you can see through the windows,

me just getting head, watching a documentary about some...

Fijian chicks, like, you know,

TVs in the headrest, all of that, just chilling,

real boss shit.

What kind of Maserati?

I know y'all smashin'.

(snickers) What?

I know y'all smashin'. Look at y'all.

Y'all just in here vibing, like,

the computer ain't even doing nothing

about music, it's just sitting there.

Ugh. I'd rather die.

GATA: On that note,

I'm-a bounce, 'cause I got a baddy at the house

waiting on me, bruh. I'm gone, Kong.

(chuckles)

Hey.

Let me get in that booth.

Let me make some classics.

Whatever.

Oh, shit.

I just remembered all my nudes are on that laptop.

Guess I got to retake 'em.

I guess so.

Wow.

You're fun.

All of a sudden you want me to be fun?

Like, every time I do something for you, it's too much.

If I give you a T-shirt, it's too Elz of a T-shirt.

If I open the door for you, it's too nice

for me to do that. I just don't know

what you want from me, and I'm following your lead,

and you're just all over the place.

See, this is exactly why we shouldn't have had sex.

You're acting like an emo bitch.

Emo bitch.

Got you.

Good one.

(Emma sighs)

(sighs heavily)

(instrumental music plays, featuring synthesizer)

TRIPPIE: Oh, man, what's this?

Oh.

Um... this is a-a beat I...

Uh, nigga, this is a beat I made.

Vibe hard. Run that shit back a little bit?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

That shit crazy.

I j... I just be making beats all the time.

I got hella beats just in case you ever need any, you know?

Yeah, I need this one.

Yeah, I'll, uh...

I'll-I'll-I'll save it for you or whatever.

Who you was holding this for-- Thug?

-Young Thug? -Yeah.

Who do you think I am?

Bro, I am normal, nigga. I Uber.

For real?

No, I drive Uber.

How come you ain't tell me about this?

I mean, I don't want to overstep my boundaries.

I'm sure, like, a bunch of people come to you like,

"Yo, I got a beat for you,"

"Yo, let me rap for you," so it's, like...

I mean, but you're understeppin'

'cause you're not trying to show somebody that work.

I feel you. I just be scared.

I don't want to be weird.

Damn! Oh, sick.

This is my new favorite shirt.

That's like some 300 shit. Give...

Give me a high five, man.

You know, I... I picked that shit out for him.

For real? That's like some

"This is Sparta!" looking-ass shit.

You know what I'm saying? It's that, "Yeah!" (chuckles)

Yeah, like, "Are you not entertained?!"

Yeah...

Okay.

Maybe not?

-* Ready! * -* Let's go *

* Hittaz on deck, hittaz on deck, hittaz on deck *

* I'm 17, got that bad ho stay on my... *

Hey, can you play "Party in the U.S.A."?

I-I actually would rather just pull all my teeth out,

try to eat a steak, maybe.

Excuse me? I work for the sponsor,

if you're interested in keeping this gig.

(Valley girl voice): Oh, my God. That's so crazy.

What am I gonna do if I don't

-keep this fucking gig? -Screw you.

How am I gonna eat tonight, lady?!

(chuckles)

* I ain't never seen you with a gun... *

-L.A., open up that fucking pit! -* Hop out with choppas *

* Young niggas shottas, leave a nigga red... *

Oh, none of you guys can fucking hear me.

Hey, you know what the fuck it is. You're a loser. Ha!

That's my fucking loser. That's my guy right there.

If you or a loved one was diagnosed with mesothelioma,

you can collect money or some shit!

She's cheating on you, dawg. You know.

You're cheating on that nigga. Yeah.

What's up, white people?! Yeah, you're fucking trash.

High five if you love black people. Fuck, yeah.

High five if you don't love black people. You're crazy.

-Hey, can I make a request? -Oh. (laughs)

Um, only if it's "Get The Fuck Out My Face" by Rich Homie Quan.

How about "Don't Be Lame.

"I Came All The Way Here in Rush Hour to This Nightmare Event

With No Passenger Side Window to See Your Dumb Ass."

It's my jam.

(Elz laughs softly)

Like, why was I mad at you again?

I really can't remember.

Uh... I don't know.

Well, I'll just accept this as an apology.

This is not an apology. I didn't come here to apologize.

Oh, so you came here

(in baby voice): 'cause you missed me?

You couldn't live without me?

(chuckles softly) Maybe.

Maybe you couldn't live without me?

-Uh... -We should have fucked.

I'm happy we fucked.

Obvious fucking-ly, I'm happy we fucked, too. Yeah.

Obviously fucking-ly.

I just don't want our friends to find out yet, so...

I mean, dude, the last thing I want in life

is Dave giving me fucking relationship advice,

so trust me, I understand.

Do you think I want Ally to give me relationship advice?

You think I want fuckin' Ally to give me relationship advice?

-Jesus Christ. -No. So we're good.

You're a crazy person, you know that?

I take that as a compliment.

-(indistinct chatter) -MAN: Hey. -MAN 2: What's up, man?

Oh, shit. The music stopped. Um...

EMMA: Oh, shit.

If you're here for the silent disco, make some noise!

-MAN: Yeah. -MAN 3: Play it, man.

-Let's play it. -(quiet chatter)

(rap song starts playing)

(laughs softly)

Can you believe that? Okay, wait.

I got something for you.

-Close your eyes. -Whoa.

(high-pitched voice): Excuse me. Wooden shirt coming through.

EMMA: A what coming through?

Uh, open your eyes.

(laughs) What the hell?

What is that?

-It's a wooden shirt. -Can I wear that?

Obviously. That's why I got it for you, fool.

Well, put it on.

-Put it on me. -(laughs)

Okay, it opens like a door.

(chuckles) Oh.

-(gasps) -Are you ready?

-(laughs) -Okay, you got to stop.

Don't... don't do that.

I realized that if we're gonna keep doing this

that you need more shirts, so...

-(grunts) -Does it fit?

(both laugh)

You look like the Iron Giant. Hold on.

-(laughs) -Here are your headphones

-for the... -Oh, yeah.

Get you a seatbelt and a helmet maybe.

-(song playing louder) -Ay... (laughs)

* Make my earth quake, oh, you make my earth quake... *

-Hold on, wait, you have to... -I can't turn.

No, you can't turn that way. Uh. Uh.

One more. Uh. Two more. Mmm.

-* Don't leave... * -Ee... -I have a plan.

-What's your plan? -So after this,

we watch Friends with Benefits.

-Okay. -We cry a little bit,

-laugh a little more. -Mm-hmm.

Step two-- my clothes, gone.

Step three-- lady's choice.

You think you're gonna get lucky?

* 'Cause when it all comes crashing down... *

-Knock on wood. -Wow.

You get it? That was good, that was good.

* Don't leave, it's my fault *

* Don't leave, it's my fault *

* Don't leave, it's my fault *

* Girl *

* 'Cause when it all comes crashing down I'll need you *

* 'Cause you make my earth quake *

* I don't want no confrontation, no *

* You don't want my conversation *

* I don't want no conversation *

* I just need some confirmation on how you feel, for real *

* For real *

* You don't want no complication, no *

* I don't want no sovereign nation *

* I don't want no sovereign nation *

* I don't even know 'bout that 'cause that's for real *

* For real *

* I said don't leave, it's my fault *

-* One * -* I said... *

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Aren't you Lil Dicky?

* Yes, I know That I'm a rapper *

-* At the end of the day * -(gasping)

* But I think It's time you knew me By my government name *

-* Hi, I'm Dave * -ANNOUNCER: Dave.

All-new Wednesday at 10:00 on FXX.

And next day, FX on Hulu.

Oh, damn!

(classical music playing)

Do me a favor? Never look me in the eye again.

Okay? 'Cause your stare is way too intense.

It's starting to make my hair fall out.

I'm gonna miss you so much,

but we can speak on the computer so you'll see my face.

But we won't be able to touch you.

Hey, look. You'll still have me.

-Just you? -Yes. Just-- Your father. Hi.

What is Devs?

What is Devs?

What is Devs?

What is Devs?

-(horn honks) -What is Devs?

What is Devs?

What is Devs?

(grunts)

(screams)

(laughter)

How did you come to write The Feminine Mystique?

I thought there was something wrong with me

because I didn't have an orgasm waxing the kitchen floor.

-(laughing) -(audience claps)