Original subtitles

Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle.

Just wanted to see if we could pop by for a few�

Hey, neighbor, Fred Doyle here� Hey, neighbor�

You know, you could return one of Fred s calls.

Okay, I can't talk to you when you're like this.

The man, he can't take a hint.

He would still keep calling here if we changed our

outgoing message to Doyle, you idiot, stop calling!

Hey, neighbor.

Well� hello. Fred, Mary Ellen� we were just talking about you.

You lie! - Yes, we were. We used your names and everything. Rory, say hi to the Doyles.

Sorry to burst in like this. We tried calling but

something must be wrong with your answering machine. - Yes, well...

you know, we haven t been able to receive any incoming messages at all.

Something s wrong with the answering machine? - Rory! No! No!

Hey, neighbor, Fred Doyle and Mary Ellen Doyle� - You fixed it!

It wasn t broke. - I said you fixed it.

So, what can we do for you? - We made Donny a video postcard.

He gets so lonely down at the Naval Academy.

Yeah, nothing fancy, mind you, just the whole family got

together to say hi and singing a few tunes from Sound of Music.

So different. - That's, gee� yeah.

Yeah, anyway� we left a little room at the end of the tape

so that Donny s best girl, Bridget, could say Howdy do.

Now you tell Bridget she's under no pressure to sing and dance on the tape.

Donny understands that'she's not a Doyle.

Yet.

She can do those things, right? - Yes.

You sure? - Okay then, well, listen, thank you so much for stopping by, you guys.

We'll see you later, alright? Okay. Bye-bye.

Wait a minute� what am I thinking here.

On a more somber note, there is a crime wave presently in our neighborhood.

No. Burglaries? - Eggings.

Yeah. Yeah� the Feeneys, the O Tooles,

the Johnsons have all taken the yolk.

And this guy keeps changing his M.O. shaving cream, toilet paper.

No, where will this madman stop? - Yeah.

Exactly, so as Captain of the Neighborhood Watch, I wanted to ask you, Paul�

Fred, listen you know that I would love to join

the Watch and go on patrol with you guys

Paulie, Paulie, Paulie, look� you're far too valuable behind a typewriter.

See, what this malcontent needs is a, is a nickname.

Something we can put in the local paper to raise awareness.

Coming up with a name should be a snap for you.

You mean, something like The Michigan Mischief Maker?

Boy, you writers are amazing. - It's nothing.

Boy, to come up with just the right turn of phrase you

must have to wade through a million stinkers like that?

You got grit. He's got grit, Mary. He's the grittiest.

Hey, Bridge, can I borrow your go-go boots to go with

this skirt for that'sixties party everyone s going to?

What'sixties party?

Just some lame party, I'm totally gonna blow it off... in your boots.

Alright, Kerry, listen� you don't have to protect my feelings.

When I was the popular one, I went to millions of really cool parties,

I never even told you about� because they were really lame.

Hello. Damian. Shut up.

I hate you. Okay, see you then.

Damian? - Yes, that really hot new senior with the homemade tattoos.

We had this secret date, and oh my God, he's such a good kisser.

Except when his tongue ring caught one of my fillings.

Bridget, what about Donny Doyle?

Thank you for making me think of Donny. Now, I feel guilty.

Well, you should feel guilty. He's your boyfriend and when he

finds out you're two-timing him, you're gonna wind up alone.

He's in Maryland. How s he ever going to find that out?

Damian, I told you I d meet� It's Donny?

You have reached Bridget s voice mail.

Please leave a message. Beep!

Bridge, he's not gonna fall for� - He's leaving a message.

That was so close. What if I'm not always that clever?

It is a high level to maintain. - You re right.

I am so gonna get caught. You know, I have to choose between one or the other.

One or the other what? - Yeah, Bridge, what?

You know, Kerry, if you wanna borrow my boots, they re upstairs

in the box marked, shut up. - Got it.

What was that about? - Dad, did you ever have to choose between...

two things that you really, really liked? - Indeed I did.

As a young man about to embark on life's journey, I was faced with a dilemma�

Hi, how �bout Cliff Notes?

Okay, well, when I graduated college I had to make a decision whether

or not I was gonna go to law school, as I always planned, or become a writer.

Which did you choose?

Anyway, Bridge, what I'm trying to say is: follow your heart.

I followed my heart and I ve never looked back.

That's your advice, follow my heart? - Well, it's not that'simple.

I can't believe I never thought of that! I'mean, I'm always, like, so logical.

Bridget, hey, Bridget. The Doyles brought this over for you.

They made Donny a video letter and they left some

room at the end for a message from his special girl.

You. - Right. Yeah.

So, Paul, I always thought that you never got into Law School.

She asked for the Cliff Notes.

Anyway, Donny, it, looks like Grandma's not gonna make it past Thanksgiving.

But, on the upside, you re moving on up to the adult table.

Alright now, a very special message to Donny

from Donny s little sweetheart, Bridget Hennessy.

Perhaps The future Mrs. Donny Doyle?

Did I say that?

You re a bomb. Okay, hit the �off button, honey.

Mary Maureen... For the love of Mike.

Hey. How's Navy College? Not much going on here, except I got these new sandals with

this really cute flower pattern, but the first time I wore �em the strap

totally broke off. And when I brought em back for a refund, they'd only give

me a store credit. I was all, Yeah, like I wanna buy more of your defects.

And I think we should see other people. And I totally understand if you wanna tell all

your Navy friends that you broke up with me. Good luck at war and stuff. Bye.

Dude, I'm sorry. So, can I call her?

Hey, Cate, listen to this. I came up with a couple names for this prankster.

Which do you like better The Lone Eggman

or The Neighbor-hoodlum?

Why don't you try something like The Oakdale Vandal?

The Oakdale Vandal? Who's gonna crack the case, the Hardy Boys?

You know, you're right, Paul. The Lone Eggman is gold.

Fine, I'll just trust my own instincts. Rory, what do you think?

I'm not going anywhere. - No, which do you like better

The Neighbor-hoodlum or The Lone Eggman?

Dad, both really capture the guy. - I know.

But what about something like: The Injustice Fighter or The Righteous

Avenger or: Operation: You Tenth Graders Picked On The Wrong Guy?

That's too many words for a headline.

I'll get it.

Hey, what's wrong? - Donny.

Well, come in. What is it?

Something's happened at school. Donny�

Donny� Donny got a B.

Here come the waterworks.

Wait a minute, wait� you, you, you re this upset over a B?

We don't expect you to understand.

We still care about our kids grades.

Hey! You know, we still care about our� - I never

should have sent him that blasted videotape letter!

Fred thinks something on it upset him.

He got the tape, he fell apart.

Mary Ellen, it's time to come clean.

When we sang Climb Every Mountain... I sang Donny's part.

It was like I was rubbing his nose in it:

You re gone, I'm the big baritone around here, now, pal.

I'm nothing but a no-good harmony part stealer.

Fred, I'm sure stealing a harmony part isn't the problem.

What else could it be? - Well, Bridget broke up with him on that videotape.

No, I thought everyone knew.

Your daughter� broke up with our Donny?

On our videotape? - You took Donny s harmony part?

Well, see this? Little Bridgie s behind Donny s downfall.

She enchanted him with her feminine wiles,

and flaunted all her what's-its and who-zits.

Wait just a minute here! - Now, now, now� Fred, wait.

It's no one s fault. In fact, there may be a silver lining to this whole mess.

Exactly. Maybe now Donny can focus on his studies again.

Yes. Or maybe, Cate, you'll start spending a little more time at home

before Kerry turns into a boy-destroying hussy like her sister.

That's too late.

Who are you calling a hussy? There is nothing wrong with the�

I can't defend that.

What, I told you that I'm going to that'sixties party. Don't you ever listen?

Bold move there, Paul letting a ten year old dabble in the summer of love.

I'm not ten! - Alright, Kerry. Go upstairs. I'll handle this.

Look here, I am sorry about Donny and Bridget.

But that does not mean you can insult my family.

So, I am going to have to ask you to leave this house.

Well� we re going.

But you will rue this day, Hennessy, mark my words.

The eyes of the Neighborhood Watch no longer will land upon your house!

No! How will we ever survive without pudgy

middle-aged men with walkie-talkies to protect us?

It's too bad Donny and Bridget couldn't work it out. - Yeah.

The Doyles will probably never talk to us again. - I know.

I feel like I should buy Bridget something.

What was that? - What?

That. It's him. He's here! Who?

The Motown Disturber. Really? I thought that's a keeper.

What should we do? - I'll take care of it.

A toilet brush? Are you going to scrub him to death?

Would you want to be touched with this?

Stop! - You had enough? Had enough, punk?

Please, Mr. Hennessy. Mr. Hennessy, I give. What, wait�

Donny? Donny, what are you doing here?

Look, I had to see Bridget. I need to see her.

I'm desperate� oh, my God, Mr. Hennessy, you beat me with a toilet brush?

Would you stick to the subject? What happened to you?

I hitchhiked all the way here. But to see Bridget again, I was happy to ride

in the back of that truck with all those pigs.

Did that come from the master bath or the girls bathroom?

What does that matter? - You re right.

All that matters is seeing Bridget and winning her back.

She's the whole reason I went AWOL. - AWOL?

Donny, you re in the military. This isn't just cutting class.

It's desertion. They, they shoot people for that!

I don't care. I d gladly face a thousand firing squads for Bridget.

I'm gonna have to call your parents. - No, don't do that. They'll kill me.

No, wait. Come on now, listen� You got pig smell.

I'm serious, Donny. You have to get back to your

dorm before anyone notices you ve gone �A �W �O �L.

Sir, I know I can make Bridget love me.

Then again, a long stretch in the brig might do you some good.

Cate, he s not listening! Forget it, I'll wait until you're off

the phone with the Doyles. - Yeah, well they won t even notice.

They're on another crying jag. I told �em about the pig truck.

Where do kids get this idea that they're meant to be together?

Paul, he's young and hopelessly in love.

Don't you remember what that was like? - No! Do you? - No.

But, but you pretend. - Right.

Okay� Donny, you and Bridget are

obviously meant to be together.

But if you obsess about her, and, you know, break

into her home, she could take it the wrong way.

You know, women, how they are.

So you re saying, if she sees me here, she might think I'm a little pathetic and needy?

No, I'm saying that'she, along with most courts, will think you're a stalker.

I gotta get back to Annapolis.

You know, that toilet brush whoopin might

be the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Thanks, Mr. Hennessy. - You betcha. - Donny, your parents will be here any minute.

No. - Paul, you really pummeled him.

I feel bad.

Stop gloating. He didn't even fight back.

Not after the ass-whippin I dished out.

Donny? My god, what are you doing here?

I am not a stalker� or pathetic or needy.

You smell like a pig. - Yeah, long story.

Bridget, I thought you were in bed.

I was studying. - Without books?

Ever hear of the Internet? - The computer's here. And you do not have a laptop.

And whose fault is that? - Okay, alright, you two.

Look, before Bridget ends up with a free laptop, why don't

you just show Donny where we keep the antiseptic?

Alright, where is he? - Now, Fred, your blood pressure.

Our boy s gone AWOL. Somebody's in for a spanking!

Fred! Fred! - What? - You wanna cinch that?

You were in a fight with my Dad?

Well, it wasn t so much a fight as a� - That is so cool. - battle to the death.

Well, after Donny and I had our little chat, I'm

pretty sure he s going back to the Naval Academy.

Mom, Dad: I'm dropping out of the Naval Academy. - You're what?

Bridget changed her mind. She's taking me back! - Daddy, look at him.

He's just so... Edward Norton in Fight Club right now.

Donny, you can't throw everything away for

some girl who's not even good enough for you!

Is it your life s mission to destroy me?

Robe.

Bridget's not good enough to date Donny. Yeah, well

Donny's not good enough to date Bridget!

Maybe you should have gone to law school. - Dad!

No, honey� I'm fine.

What is it, Kerry? - Here we are, another morning talking about Bridget.

Honey, I know that's hard. - No, no, she deserves the attention.

After all she does have two boyfriends right now.

You guys think I care that nobody noticed I snuck out and stayed out past curfew?

Back up a second. - Okay, it was just a few minutes past curfew.

Not that. Bridget has two boyfriends?

God, no one is interested in me.

Honey, of course we re interested in you.

What can you tell us about Bridget?

And what about this other boyfriend? - Kerry, wait! - Wait! Kerry! Kerry!

We are really upset with you. You get back here, right now! Who am I kidding.

This is unbelievable! Donny drops out of school

to be with Bridget and she's two-timing him.

Yeah, well we have to talk to her. - Damn right, we re gonna talk to her.

You notice we never have problems like this with the boy?

Bye, Dad. - See ya, son.

Yeah?

Bridget, you re going out with Donny, and you have another boyfriend?

Yeah. Isn't it funny how everything just worked out?

Do you, do you realize that Donny s giving up his

dream of being in the Navy to come here and be with you?

Meanwhile, tomorrow you could just decide to dump him.

I can't believe you think I'm that fickle. - Well, you did dump him yesterday.

That is so like you just to dredge up the past. You know, the only

reason I broke up with him is because you told me to follow my heart.

We were talking about law school! Cate, you re here. Good.

Daddy thinks I'm fickle. - Sweetheart� you are fickle.

Gang up on me. What is this an intervention?

Bridget, you cannot do this to Donny.

Can't you see you're wrong? You� Cate, tell her.

Look, Paul, we ve already talked to her. She's a big girl.

She's gonna do what she's gonna do. - Okay, you guys, look just,

stop worrying! Now that I'm going out with Donny, I'm gonna break it off with Damian.

Well, if that's your final decision... I'll just wait five minutes.

Bridge, Donny is risking everything for you and you kind of like him.

You gotta let him go.

Would it kill you, for once in your life, to listen to your dad?

I'm listening. I am listening.

Now, if you guys don't mind, I have a date with Donny and this skirt is way too long.

Bridget!

Bridget will be right down. - Thanks.

So, have you decided? - Decided what? - Hanging or firing squad?

Rory! - I'd go for hanging, it breaks the neck, you don't feel a thing.

Get out! Get out!

Hey, Bridget. - Hey, Donny.

You look so beautiful. - Thanks.

I'm glad I dashed my childhood dreams for you.

Oh my god! - You okay, Mr. Hennessy? - Yeah, I'm fine. You have fun.

I have a great night planned. - Cool.

Actually, you know what, Donny, I can't do this. - Do what?

You know, quitting Navy College and risking hanging

is like the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Thanks. - But, I d hate to see you risk your

whole future just because you re crazy over me.

I mean, I understand it� but, god, I can't

believe I m saying this� I may not be worth it.

But Bridget, you� - No, don't say anything. Okay. My mind s made up.

But� - Donny, you have to go back to school, okay. Here s your pin.

You back so soon? - You were listening.

No, I was not listening.

And I am so proud of you. That was a tremendous sacrifice you made, Bridget.

Well, you know, it was the right thing to do. It was actually you, Dad.

I mean, you told me not to be selfish cause I could be ruining his future.

You listened. I can't tell you how much this means to me.

Besides, when he got all cleaned up and the bristle marks faded,

he lost, like, half his hotness. - No, stop right there. You listened.

You listened to your Dad! - Now, he's not even nearly as hot as Damian.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah! You listened! - I m gonna call Damian.

You listened!

Hello? Anybody out there? We re out of toilet paper.

Again! How could we possibly go through a twenty pack in two days?

Is anyone out there? Please.

Alright, I hope everybody read my column.

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