Original subtitles

Ugh, that's not fair.

You know I can never choose the rock

because I'm Team Vin Diesel.

Well, too bad. I won, so I get to be Good Cop.

Which is good, 'cause you'd be a bad Good Cop.

I can be Good Cop. Notagood cop.

I'm not learning all the words to the "Mermanda" Rights.

Yeah, right.

Now go warm up your stink eye, Bad Cop.

[chuckles]

Look.

If you strangled that missionary,

I'd fess up now, because when my partner comes in here,

whoo, it is not gonna be pretty.

I-I don't know nothing.

Okay. Don't say I didn't warn you.

She tried to be nice.

But now it's about to get naughty.

Dubai chocolate. Absolutely sinful.

And for 30 bucks, they better be.

- Hmm! What are you doing? - I'm out-gooding you.

Yeah? Well, if you're gonna be Good Cop...

[knuckles crack]

I'm gonna be... better.

How's that pressure? I can go harder.

I'm gonna show you something,

and it's not gonna be easy to watch...

without these. It's the newAvatar.

Keep it on the DL since I downloaded it illegally.

Hey, look at us. Now we got a secret.

So, tell me yours.

All right, who's the lucky S.O.B. getting this...

tableside guac?

I ordered that.

Feel free to double-dip, by the way.

Look, we got one question, punk.

Who was the better Good Cop?

Yeah, who was gooder?

You know what? Take some time.

Think on it. I'll get you an Uber.

No need. I had a limo waiting.

- Safe travels. - Safer travels.

Wait.

Did we just let a suspected murderer go free?

Oh, God.

The guacamole's already brown.

[theme music playing]

[inhales, sighs]

Hi, guys.

I've been getting a lot of questions

about why I'm so upset,

so I'm gonna tell you what happened...

in this four-part series.

Ugh! Kang!

What are you doing?

Didn't realize we turned the break room

into a hype house.

Just because you're immortal

doesn't mean you have to act so old.

Vampires don't have that problem.

Sometimes they date high schoolers.

Speaking of dating,

would you read my text to this guy and tell me if--

[chuckling] Oh, no.

I'm not getting involved in whatever

aspiring actor-slash-unhoused model-slash-Slash impersonator

didn't text you back this time.

Why are you always such a jerk to me?

You never do anything I want.

Like when I asked you to read my horror zine

and then I saw you using it as a flyswatter.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Were you dating those flies? - [microwave beeps, whirs]

[gasps] Wait.

You're using the microwave?

I clearly put a "Do Not Use" sign on it.

So nobody can use the microwave

because you're worried about radiation?

No, you idiot.

Because the microwave's broken and last time, it almost--

Aah!

Why are you not freaking out?

Because emotions are like genitals.

Just because you have them

doesn't mean you have to show them.

Also, you threw your blanket on the candle.

- [smoke detector beeping] - [screams]

[phone chimes]

[clears throat]

[screams]

[officers screaming]

Please proceed to the nearest fire exit.

Better hurry. With all that hairspray you use

to look taller, you're highly flammable.

- And short. - I ain't leaving

till I figure out who killed that missionary.

Too bad, 'cause I'm already on top of the missionary case.

So hand over the church's security footage

and admit you're going in reverse, cowgirl.

- [bullhorn clicks] - Not sure if you heard,

but there's a fire.

If I leave, she's gonna steal my evidence...

[coughs] and solve the case.

I ain't leaving either.

The weather's just fine down here.

- [bullhorn clicks] - [sighs]

- [crowd clamoring] - [sirens blaring]

[Summers grunts]

Summers!

Mm!

Now, look. We've always been

a comically dysfunctional workplace.

But lighting the office on fire feels like premium HBO.

At the very least, FX'sThe Bear.

My favorite comedy. Just nonstop jokes.

"Yes, chef!" [laughs] Still works.

So, since we have to close the office

- for a few days anyway... - [rumbles]

Or weeks.

I'm tapping into the retreat fund,

which means we get to go on a team-building vacation.

And we're gonna come out of it a tight-knit group,

much likeThe Bearbefore the brother killed himself.

[laughing] That part gets me every time.

[chuckles] I can't believe

a CrimeShare was available last-minute.

I have been dying to stay in one of these.

So we're paying extra to stay in a house

where a heinous crime happened?

Yeah, it's like a true crime podcast

meets the ad for Airbnb

that usually interrupts a true crime podcast.

[gasps, giggles]

I can't wait to find out what this sicko did here.

The crime committed in this house was...

tax evasion?

Hey, look.

This is the actual calculator he fudged his Schedule E on.

So cool!

Summers, why'd you let Kang book this place?

Since going to a CrimeShare was your idea,

I thought I'd have Kang book it so we could feel like a team.

You chose a lame one on purpose, didn't you?

I just picked the first one I saw.

Once again, you had to ruin something I wanted.

Congrats, you're irrationally emotional.

Record time.

See? You took turns insulting each other.

That's teamwork.

Now go pick out a board game in the basement.

Great. Guess I'll go grab one.

I'll choose.

I hate those newfangled ones that are more rules than game.

I'm not playing "Cards Against Exploding Burritos of Catan."

You brought work to the retreat?

Well, you're not the only one.

[gong clangs]

Now that the retreat has begun,

- it's time for vacation mode. - [robotic whir]

[robotic whir]

And Vacay Mode has three rules:

No fights, no frowns,

and since I know how competitive you two are,

work talk is the biggest no-no of all-all.

Easy peasy, whiskey squeezy for me.

But not for this work pony.

"Horse" was too big.

I'm not the one addicted to my job.

- And gambling. - Wanna make a bet?

First person to bring up work loses

and has to share their evidence.

Deal, windbag.

Ugh, why do these games have so many rules?

What happened to good old checkers?

You're a prime example of why Congress needs an age limit.

[electricity crackles]

[bike bell rings]

- [wheels squeaking] - [heavy thudding]

[thudding, squeaking continues]

Oh.

Would you like to solve a puzzle?

Puzzles? Ew!

Those are worse than check...

- [slurring] ...ers. - [groans]

[rapid sawing]

[chains rattling]

[muffled grunts]

[Kang] What the hell is going on here?

[Wynona] Maybe if you read my horror zine

you'd know that we are clearly in aSawsituation.

[giggles]

[voice over PA] Actually, no. No, no.

This is nothing likeSaw.

My name is Puzzle Paul.

Puzzle Paul?

You mean like a jigsaw puzzle?

As in Jigsaw. FromSaw.

[Puzzle Paul] No, total coincidence since

I've never seen any of that clumsy ten-picture franchise.

Now, each of you

have a riddle to solve in 60 seconds

or the bear trap will rip your jaws off.

When the timer starts, you may begin reading.

[timer beeps]

[Wynona] What goes up and down

but never moves?

Hmm... [gasps] A staircase!

[Puzzle Paul] You are...

correct.[sighs]

Boy, I thought that would take longer.

Seriously?

That's like a kindergarten riddle.

Okay, mean.

You still have one riddle left.

[Kang] Hm...

[Wynona] Okay, Kang, what does yours say?

[Kang] I, uh, I-- I... I don't want to play.

[Wynona] Because you can't figure it out?

These are like popsicle stick riddles.

[Puzzle Paul] Wrong! They're from bubblegum wrappers.

So... check your tone.

[Wynona] Fine. Just read it to me and I'll solve it.

Uh... no.

Oh, because I asked you to?

This is what I was talking about.

[Puzzle Paul] Jaw ripping will commence in 20 seconds.

- Well, now it's 19. - [timer beeping]

[Wynona] This isn't funny anymore, Kang.

Now read it to me before he turns us into

a couple of Pez dispensers.

- [Kang] Uh, uh... - [beeping continues]

[Wynona] Kang, why are you doing this?

I can't read, okay?

[beeping continues]

[metallic creak]

[Puzzle Paul] Sorry, did you say you can't read it?

I could up the font size. Or bold it.

No, I'm-- I'm...

illiterate.

- [Puzzle Paul] Oh. Great. - [lens whirs]

Okay, so, full transparency,

all of my traps are an elaborate combo

of reading and murder.

So I need a beat to pivot.

Stand by.

- [distant thud] - What the--

Oh, are you opening a formal investigation

about that thud, meaning I win?

No, no. Just getting comfortable.

You call that comfortable?

It's protective.

Real one's insured.

[accented] You know what time it is?

Island time!

Where Kang and 'Nona, mon?

Hmm.

Haven't seen them since they went to the basement.

- Odd. - Are you detecting something?

Me? No.

To detect would mean I suspect something's wrong,

but I didn't pack any suspicion.

Or clean underwear.

Which are both work things.

Are you worried?

Not at all.

I'm chilling.

Chilling so hard I'm basically chili.

Just soaking up oyster crackers and vibes.

I actually put Goldfish in my award-winning chili.

Not to toot my own tooter,

but I make a pretty mean chili myself.

If you two want to compete, how about...

- a wet T-shirt contest? - [mechanical whir]

[mechanical whir]

In case you were wondering

if my nipples were also in Vacay Mode,

the answer is "boy, howdy!"

Your body's weird.

How about a chili cook-off to see whose is better?

No. We'll have a chill chili cook-off chill-off.

Like adults.

Oh, the "off" is on.

No, it's on on.

And we're off.

Look at what you've done.

That's from disappointment.

[groans] No signal.

I'm sorry, but seriously?

How can you be illiterate?

It's not that hard to get by.

I dictate emails,

always order the daily special at restaurants,

and I only text with emojis.

The new hieroglyphics.

[gasps] You're right.

Our thread is all emojis.

Is that why you end every text with the hotel emoji?

It looks like my building.

That's how I say I'm texting from home.

When I'm on the move, I do two sneakers.

It all makes sense now.

The zine, the microwave,

this CrimeShare.

It's not me you have a problem with, it's reading!

I am so relieved.

No, it was you.

I have a very low opinion of you.

Mean.

[Puzzle Paul] Doesn't feel great, does it?

Okay, good news.

I was able to scrap trap number two.

I mean, the trap is gone,

but the clue words I tattooed onto your scalps never will be.

Anyway.

On to trap three.

[gasps]

Is that your secret ingredient?

What is it? Double cumin?

Half the cumin? [gasps]

No cumin?

I'm not telling.

My abuela taught me this.

Bitch of a grandma, but hell of a cook.

I got this recipe from my grandpa.

Cooked his chili with the same wooden spoon he'd hit us with

for touching his radio.

Look at us.

We stop talking about work,

we find out we have something in common.

Yeah, who knew we both had grandparents?

I bet yours didn't teach you to make chili like this.

[upbeat pop rock music plays]

Unlike you, that is way too sweet.

[slurps] Ooh!

And unlike you, this is super hot.

- And has taste. - Oh, yeah?

Taste this.

Oh, you're dead.

- Oh! [grunts] Okay. - [chili sizzles]

That might be a second-degree burn.

But I can't feel it yet because I'm having fun!

- [groans goofily] - [both shout, laugh]

♪ It's looking a lot Like love ♪

♪ A big pot of chili's What I'm dreaming of ♪

[chuckles] Oh!

♪ Will they or won't they It's hard to tell ♪

♪ When you're overcome By the chili smell ♪

[cries out, laughs]

♪ Maybe they're friends Maybe it's more ♪

♪ But they sure love Goofing around ♪

[both laugh]

♪ Yeah just a taste Of my heart ♪

- [both laugh] - ♪ Mix it up and cook it ♪

- ♪ But be careful not to fart ♪ - [both laugh]

♪ Chili beans and everything In between... ♪

- You know what we look like? - [laughs]

[chuckles] We look like we're covered in...

- dia... - ...rrhea.

- [record scratch, music ends] - Now this

is some team-building.

Told you we needed this.

I'll crump downstairs

and tell the gang dinner's ready.

Oh... [stammers] there should be some paper towels

in-- in the cabinet over there.

- [air hisses] - [muffled grunting]

[Puzzle Paul] This one is simple.

Solve the wordless puzzle before the clock strikes 9:30

or you will drown in sewage.

Or should I say, "poo-age"?

[chuckles softly] I said "poo-age."

I don't know for sure--

Could you hear that through the modulator?

[liquid bubbling]

[Puzzle Paul] Okay.

I'm sorry, but what exaclty is your problem with me?

You know why people don't know I can't read?

Because I keep some things to myself.

But not you.

You tell everyone everything.

Why do I need to know what size tampon you use? Huh?

And it's just a regular. Not worth noting.

[Puzzle Paul] Lots of talking.

Not much solving.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I do share too much.

But if I end up dying in this

- basic-ass trap room... - [Puzzle Paul] Hey!

...at least people can say they knew me.

You've been alive for centuries

and I don't think anyone really knows you.

That's not true.

Name one person.

[grunts]

[squeaky creaking]

What is happening? Is that the poo-age?

[Puzzle Paul] Oh, so you did hear me.

I'm just crying, okay?

You hurt my... feelings?

Eh, I guess that's what they are.

Why is it brown?

Doesn't happen often so it's a little rusty.

Takes a sec to get going.

Is this enough emotion for you?

♪ Do you like Big bowls of chili? ♪

[robotic whir]

Oh. What board game is this?

[Puzzle Paul] Your booking was only for two people!

I can't read numbers either.

Okay, this time it's fear.

[Puzzle Paul] Fine. Moving on to trap four.

If you even know what that number means.

[all grunt]

Can't believe I almost fell for it.

- Fell for what? - That.

You tricked me into a playful rom-com chili fight

just so I'd find this murder stuff,

start investigating, and lose the bet.

Do you even have a buh-buela?

Buh-warla? Buh-- [grunts]

Grandma?

You think I would make up stuff about my family

just to win a bet? That's sick.

The competition is back on!

Fine. Let's go settle this in our coworkers' mouths.

[electricity crackles]

Where is everybody?

[distant shouts, screams]

[all screaming]

Really wish I packed that clean underwear now.

Wow.

I never thought you'd stoop this low,

and that's saying something considering

my height beat you to it.

Hey, uh... [chuckles]

Are you gonna help us, or...? [chuckles]

Oh, nice acting, Wynona.

I can't believe you accused me

of trying to make you lose the bet,

and meanwhile,

you have this whole elaborate contraption set up?

[Puzzle Paul] Actually, I'm the one who set up--

This has you all over it, Martinez.

It takes a special kind of genius to lure me down here

to see what you planted, and then pretend you're mad

I lured you down here to see what I planted.

[Puzzle Paul] Um, if we're going to give credit

- where... - You think I'm a genius?

You're the genius, idiot.

Well, that means a lot to me. Thank you.

Too bad you're too stupid to realize how smart you are.

Not to mention kind!

[Puzzle Paul] You know what, this fight is weird,

so we're gonna skip to the grand finale.

- [robotic whir] - [trio grunts]

- [deep rumbling] - [Kang and Wynona gasp]

[rumbling continues]

- What the...? - [Wynona gasps]

Wow. Moving walls?

How'd you rig that?

It wasn't him, it was me!

I did all of this! I'm the genius!

And I will enjoy watching you all get crushed to death

from the safety of my control room!

Aw, crap! I am not in there!

So...

I'm gonna die, too.

That's bad.

Not if we can figure out how to escape.

If these walls were taxes, I would know how to evade them.

You're the tax evader?

I thought you were in jail.

Well, yeah, for like a week.

Once I got out, I needed a side hustle,

so I rented my place with CrimeShare.

But apparently tax evasion's not sexy enough

for true crime junkies.

So I figured if I could defraud the government,

how hard could murdering a couple of people

in baroque deathtraps be?

Boy, was I wrong!

Don't be so hard on yourself.

This was my dumb idea to come out here

for some team-building,

but now we're gonna end up team-dying.

Summers, that's it!

This is like our trust fall but with actual dying.

Can you transform into something to stop the walls?

Aye, aye, Captain.

Booze cruise time.

[mechanical whirring, clicking]

[boat horn blares]

- Oh, thank God. - [group sighs]

All aboard the SS...

- [horn drones] - ...Summers.

[all gasp]

[grunts] Kinda thought that'd buy us more time.

In theSawmovies, there's always a way to stop it.

Yeah, but it's in the control room,

and the door is purposely

on the other side of a gruesome trap.

Anyone would die just attempting to get through it.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Impossible death trap, send in the immortal.

[groans]

[inhales]

[crunching, squelching]

[thudding]

- [grunts softly] - [bone cracks]

[bones cracking]

- [neck crunches] - [groans]

I'm in.

Okay, you need to press the one labelled "kill switch."

Which is going to be impossible for you, huh?

Because, you know, you can't read.

What the Lea Michelle?

You can't read?

Oh, great. Now everybody knows.

But that's good, because now we can help.

Listen up, we're gonna "Hot To Go" it.

Oh, likeYMCA!

Yes! The generational connector.

Spelling words with your body.

- I'll be the K. - I.

- [Flute] L! - [Summers] L!

S. Wait. S.

This is fun.

Uh...

I think I got it?

[alarm beeps]

No!

He hit the "kill swift" button.

Why is that even an option?

In case it was taking too long and I had somewhere to be.

I can't do this.

I'm crying too much.

This is why I don't share things.

But that's where older generations get it wrong.

You think sharing yourself makes you weaker.

It doesn't.

It just gives everyone else permission to be honest, too.

Like, I can't read an analog clock.

I don't get what "half past" is.

What? That's ridiculous.

I-- Hey.

Now I don't feel as bad. Keep going.

I don't love my thighs in shorts.

Not enough jiggle.

I've seen everySawmovie and this whole thing is a rip off!

No gasp?

And I did plant that stuff to make you lose the bet,

but that was before we bonded.

Also, my secret ingredient's chocolate.

And if we make it back, you can have my evidence.

Also, and this is gonna blow your mind,

my secret ingredient is chili powder.

That might be the whitest thing you've ever said.

[Kang] Your stupid admissions worked.

The tears have stopped. W-What's the next letter?

[metal creaking]

There's not enough room.

I'm never gonna make it home.

Home. [gasps] That's it!

Kang, the last letter of the word

is on the emoji you use when you text from home.

- [alarm beeps] - [deep rumbling]

[all exhale]

So... since no crime was actually committed,

we're cool, right?

Oh, and before you check out, just make sure

you pull all the sheets off the beds.

Okay, everyone's been asking me

for a follow up on my last video.

Well, a lot has happened.

So buckle up for a six-part series

on how I taught my stoic, illiterate co-worker

to process his emotions, and the alphabet.

That take was great.

It wasn't too emotional.

We'll wait until part five to hit them with the tears.

I'm thinking in part six you're a full blown snot faucet.

Smart, smart. Thanks, Kang.

No, actually...

One day, that's gonna say "thank you."

Well, I should get to embalming. It's...

- [door opens] - ...8:52.

Uh... it's 11:40.

Yeah, I know.