Original subtitles

Sorry for the long borrow.

Why the indoor shades, you weirdo?

Ew. You okay?

Just a really bad UTI.

Oh.

Oh...

Do you think he wanted you to see the list?

I don't know. I mean, it wasn't--

It wasn't out on display.

Oh, shit.

-Did you snoop? -No, I didn't snoop.

It was there, just under the fruit bowl.

Just behind some bills.

I've always felt an affinity with Rachel from Friends.

I thought it was my hair, but now I know.

Dickhead.

Here's what I think.

You can't have a breakdown today.

You've gotta go to your awards do, and you need to not look like a pig.

I really don't wanna look like a pig.

And it's better that you know this now, honey.

Yeah. I promise you.

You find out five years down the line? Jesus.

-You know, you might kill yourself. -I wouldn't kill myself.

I know you wouldn't kill yourself, but you know.

You'd be fucked.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-It is better that I know this now. -Yeah.

Okay.

-How's my dress look? -Oh, yeah.

I mean, there's a small deodorant stain, but otherwise.

Hey, do you want me to stay? I could do your hair.

Fuck off!

-I love you. -I love you more.

Have fun tonight!

Ow!

Ow.

I think my suit's too big, Mum.

I think it's fine.

-No. -What?

Nothing, I need to get to a toilet. Come on.

Sorry. Oh, sorry, sorry.

Excuse me, I just need to get to-- Sorry.

-I just need to get-- -Sorry. This is the queue.

Oh, yeah, I'm a nominee. Sorry, I'm just...

-Mum, don't. -I'm a nominee.

It's not the Oscars. The queue's the queue.

-Gotcha. Yeah, yeah. -What did she say?

-She's a nominee. -I'm a nominee, bitch!

Oh, that was terrifying.

I'm still in the queue.

-Has Jessie arrived? -I haven't seen her.

Get in here, I need you!

-Fuck, I tried. -Just go to the front,

ask for Nicky, and name-drop me.

I'm scared of the women.

Don't be a testicle, do it.

Come on.

-Come on. -Mum, no.

It's fine.

Sorry, I'm just...

Yeah.

-It's unbelievable. -Oh, give me a break.

I've got a UTI.

Sam.

I need a toilet and a drink.

Oh, your tit's hanging out.

Ugh, I know. The strap snapped.

It's vintage. Not my tits.

Oh, they're retro. I need to piss or I'll die.

I'll keep an eye out for Charlotte. I dreamt that Liv did a mass shooting.

The last person she killed was Charlotte.

At least she didn't kill us.

Mm, she killed us first, Alex.

Oh, shit.

When's Plum getting here?

Yeah, that's what I'd like to know.

Can you get me a drink?

I am restricted of movement.

Not Prosecco!

Hi.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, this is hell.

Oh, fuck.

What is this?

Well, you said no Prosecco and there was only Baileys

-or Prosecco. -Not Baileys.

Go and find me a grown woman's drink.

Look, Malcolm's on Grayson's table, too.

How the hell did he manage that?

-Seriously, fuck him. -Finally! Thank you.

And fuck anyone who thinks I'm not good enough for them.

Are you alright?

I'm having a tough one too, with Patrick.

I'm not having a tough one.

Frank's just trying to get a reaction out of me.

Thinks space would be good for us.

Oh, shit, really?

Don't worry, it's not happening.

Oh, I heard that Coco August is here somewhere.

She flew in from Portland last night.

She MeToo'd her UK agent and they dropped her.

And?

Her last book was about an affair with her mother.

-Not for me. -Yeah, and the one before

every horny woman in the UK read.

Incest is an untapped market, trust me. Let's get her.

Jesus.

Oh, Christ.

-Eugenie and Beatrice arrived. -Move over there.

It's not all about you.

Bring them over to our table.

I'll follow in once I've strapped these puppies down.

Okay.

Charlotte. Liv. Wow.

-We don't want to move. -Looking wonderful, ladies.

Like sisters.

But you know, with a big age gap.

-Should we go to our table? -Well,

let's hope there's some bad boys here this year,

and it's not just one big fanny fest.

Follow me with my bag, Livonia.

-Darling! -I've thought a lot

about what you said the other day

about making myself happy.

Oh, well, that's great, and I was--

So, I've written my mother's speech.

I'm not gonna be ignored any longer.

-What would be in the goody bag? -I don't know, free shit.

Do you want me to go over your "thank yous" with you, Charlotte?

Have you got my pork pie?

Livonia?

My miniature pork pie.

Charlotte, your list of people

you'd like to thank, like Liv.

-Thank? -Yeah.

No! Anecdotes, darling.

Anecdotes, that's what the people want.

Anecdotes.

-Oh, is that Barbara Allen? -Hi! It's me.

Good Lord, she's had a facelift.

Well, one side, anyway.

-She's on planet awesome right now. -Barbara, darling!

-I don't think-- -Words on a page

don't just magically appear, you know.

How do you mean?

I wrote Wagon Burner.

-You wrote-- Sorry, what? -And I might as well tell you.

I wrote her last six books as well.

Every word she's published, in fact, since she unretired herself.

You're joking.

I have no sense of humor...

-No, I know, but-- -...when it comes to my mother.

Yeah, what I meant.

When you said, "make yourself happy."

No, I didn't mean-- No.

-What I said was-- -No, no, it gave me clarity.

Unburden yourself. It's time everyone knew the truth.

I won't be a lady-in-waiting any longer.

Liv, Liv, listen, you can't do that, okay?

Not here. If the publisher found out, we wouldn't have a publisher.

-We wouldn't have a business. -No, no.

That's my decision.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get intemperately hammered.

Oh, shit.

No sign of Coco.

She's like bloody Lord Lucan. People keep insisting they've seen her.

-Sam, I need to talk to you. -Apparently, she's disgusted

by the lack of a decent bar.

Okay, listen. Sorry about this.

What's wrong? Are you stressed?

I'm sure I've got a pill in my bag somewhere.

No, it's not that, it's--

Forget your personal shit. We can't have anything

fucking up the night for us.

We are nominees and winners for one night only.

We need to lock Coco down before someone else does.

Mum, I can't find any drinks without cream in them.

Oh, just forget that.

-But Sam didn't-- -Just sit down.

Table's half empty, it looks bad.

Where's fucking Plum?

Marion Ottilie Chambers Bryce!

Hello, women.

There's so much estrogen

-in the room this evening. -What?

I think my periods are back.

Welcome, everybody, to what promises to be

an extraordinary evening.

So wonderful to see some young faces

as well as the old, craggy, bitter ones.

What the fuck is happening tonight?

Apparently, Coco August

only drinks vodka and smokes crack.

Well, I have no idea where to get crack,

so could you run to the nearest off-license

and get me a couple of bottles of vodka?

I'm gonna go backstage and try and find...

-Where the hell is Plum? -The nominees are...

This is not like her.

...Chloe Huntington Smith, Pov Kid.

-Mum. -What?

Look, something happened last night with Plum.

And it's not what happened that's worrying me.

It's just the amount of headspace that it's using up.

Ruari, what did you do?

I mean, did something go wrong? Is that why she's not here?

Ruari, what happened?

You're such a hypocrite, Mum!

Stop worrying about my behavior. Worry about yours.

Why are you hosting this creep

-at our table? -I'm not. He's not even--

-You know, he was weird with Plum. -No.

-What did he do? -Why does it matter what he did?

You're telling me him being a creep is big news to you?

This is a terrible thing to say, okay?

But sometimes this is just the shit women have to deal with.

-Ruari. -Excuse me. I have to go buy booze

-so you can get that writer drunk. -And the winner is

Chloe Huntington Smith!

I bloody hope he's talking about me.

Pov Kid.

And now, we take a moment

to remember all of the giants of the industry

who we've sadly lost.

Oh, Harriet.

I wonder if Linda Holland will be up there.

She's not been answering her phone.

Ruari.

Ruari. Hey.

-Sorry about-- -Mum, just...

What the hell are you drinking?

Vodka? Will you just...

Oh, shitballs.

-Fuck me. -Well, that was fucking trippy.

Charlotte, I am so sorry that I'm...

Heads are gonna roll. Honestly.

I'm sending a very strongly worded WhatsApp

to the organizers right now.

Bless them. May they all rest in peace.

-We move on now to the award for... -Charlotte.

Charlotte, your award's coming up very soon,

so everyone will see that you are very much still alive.

-Okay? -Camille Hicks.

And the Agency of the Year Award goes to...

just a little old place called Noble, Harding & Cole.

Yes!

No. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. Stay, stay.

Oh, my goodness,

I was not expecting this...

and yet, it does feel prophetic.

-Stop drinking straight vodka! -As all of you know, unless you've had

your heads up your holes, it's actually now just Cole & Noble.

We miss Harriet every day.

Her bitter wit, her dusty shoulders,

her passion for championing ethnic voices.

-Huh? -And on that note, we want to continue...

-I found her. -...the Harriet Harding tradition...

-Ruari, did you get the vodka? -Yeah.

Marion Rahal, Tazi Bello,

and Yafa Barghouti

are just some of the diverse young voices

that we have recently signed in her honor.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Enjoy your warm Pinot Grigio.

Sam, how was I supposed to know

-he was gonna do that? -I fucking told you, Alex.

I said he was unreliable.

Look, I am gutted, okay? Believe me. But if you'd taken him on

-when I suggested-- -It made no business sense.

Oh, what, and this makes business sense?

Running around like Challenge fucking Anneka

trying to land a writer who's never gonna sign with us.

-Avoiding reality. -I'm avoiding? You're delusional.

You wanna talk about delusional? Look at your marriage.

I'm sorry, I...

I don't know why I said that.

I'm sorry.

I have to pee.

Ah! She's back from the dead.

-Joking, joking, joking. -Hello, darling.

How are you, my darling?

And the nominees are Carol Rogers, Puff.

Femi Roberts, Desperate Roads.

Jessie Finlay, Baby Fingers.

And Anna James, I Love Edward.

Where's Sam?

And the best newcomer is...

Jessie Finlay!

-Oh, fuck. -For her debut novel, Baby Fingers.

I was on the jury for that one. You're welcome.

Sorry, Jessie...

can't be here, unfortunately.

Sorry. Sam?

Okay, she's definitely gone.

Jessie's an inspiration to me.

She took the worst thing that could happen to a person

and she turned it into art.

It's not the cards you're dealt.

It's the way you play them.

Thank you.

Oh, and can I say...

Just a quick thank you to my son, Ruari.

My mummy, everybody.

And I'm very proud of him.

Alex Shaw there for her client, Jessie Finlay.

What are you doing?

Table 19! Finally found you.

Coco August. Pleased to meet you.

-Coco, hi. -Here.

My mum would like to get you pissed.

-Oh. -Are you a pervert?

She loves perverts.

-There's one of them. -Cheers.

Okay, who wants a proper drink?

Do you mind if I join you?

Best Biography next.

And the nominees are Jane Falker for Urch.

I had to go to two different places to get this fucking tit tape.

And then I got stuck on a tube because some idiot

decided to just have a dance on the tracks,

and I'd had no signal, and then my bloody battery died.

Does Sam wanna kill me?

Oh, shit. Am I fired?

And now, to our final prize of the evening,

Lifetime Achievement.

Charlotte, just remember, a big thank you for Liv.

Okay, just, "Thank you to my daughter, Liv, without whom..."

I'll write it down.

You know, I think I'll go up there with my mother,

say a few words.

She's had a very long career. So much to say.

-I think that's a... -Please welcome,

James Norton!

Oh.

Thank you, thank you. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Thank you.

Oh, sorry.

Thank you. Thank you so much, thank you.

Thank you. Wow, I've never seen this many happy women in one room

since Taylor Swift played Wembley.

I was backstage.

I have a lot to thank this particular lady writer for.

I got my proverbial big break,

fresh out of drama school, in a fringe adaptation

-of The Bellenden Boys. -Who's the hottie?

-He's someone you worked with. -I remember Charlotte

would pop into our cramped little dressing room

as the boys and I were getting changed.

She encouraged me to cast aside any reservations I had

about full frontal or posterior nudity,

and I realized...

Charlotte? Charlotte?

Just remember, "Thank you, Liv.

-Thank you." -How's my hair?

Could you please just focus? "Thank you, Liv."

And one very grateful young actor.

Please join me in welcoming to the stage the one and only Charlotte Arbor.

"Thank you, Liv."

Oh, thank you! Thank you so much.

Thank you. I think you made the right choice.

Sorry. Who are you?

Jesus. Is this lady okay?

-She doesn't look too good. -Huh?

-Oh, shit. Liv! Oh my God. -Oh my God. Oh, God!

We need a doctor.

-What do we do? -Salman Rushdie and I

-were skinny dipping. -Are you a doctor?

-I'm a gynecologist. -Okay, fine.

No, dear, fuck off.

-Oh, my God. -Jesus Christ.

That is one unlucky table.

-Okay, this way. -You're gonna be fine.

You look better already, I think.

Oh, do you have anything for a UTI?

It's a borderline kidney infection.

I have to complete

my level two in first aid.

-Shit. -Should we get a drink first?

Okay.

-Can you believe that? -Well, yes, of course I can.

Charlotte.

Has Livonia done an Irish goodbye?

She could never handle her drink.

This nice young man is helping me to my car.

Coco August? Oh, my God.

-I'm a huge fan. -Oh.

I heard that Mummy Ache might be getting its own adaptation.

I would love to talk to you about--

Oh, shit.

You going to Randalls after this?

Hi, you big prick.

When did it all stop being fun, eh?

When we were about ten.

I got kicked in the back by a pony when I was ten, so.

Through great adversity...

Made me the woman I am today.

Or not today, but...

I'd say even today.

You're the best woman here, my dear, by some margin.

Fuck off.

Mm, morning.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, she wakes.

My God, you snore like a navvy.

Sorry, what are you-- what do you...

You don't want breakfast?

No, thank you.

How did I get here?

You called a cab and said, "Let's go to your place and partay."

Well, I don't know how this...

So.

-I assume nothing. -You don't remember?

Well, I'm very offended.

Oh, shit.

Got everything?

Oh, the Spanx.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Hey.

Any news on Liv?

No, I was gonna check in once I had a bit more moisture in my mouth.

I'm sorry, Sam.

Yeah.

Figured you might be.

I'm fucking pissed off with you.

Well, you couldn't be any more pissed off with me

than I am with myself.

Well, that's debatable.

Anyway, Malcolm Hammond just called

and he's signing.

We've called the lawyers.

And, yeah, it's actually happening.

No.

No, I don't want that.

Firstly, it's happening. And secondly...

congrats on your bonus. You've earned it.

Oh, sh...

Oh, God.

Oh, fuck.

-Alex? -Oh, shit.

-Are you peeing? -No, I...

I dropped my pencil.

-Looking for my pencil. -Can I talk to you for a second?

No, I don't think so.

Can I at least help you find your pencil?

Why are you making a joke?

-Because this is awful. -You should have told me two months ago...

-And I'm trying-- -...that you still might want a child,

instead of letting me read it from a piece of paper

-under a fruit bowl. -If you just listen, I wrote that

weeks ago after a therapy session

when I felt trapped by how much I like you.

And we both thought that writing a list might help.

What, to talk yourself out of it?

No, to talk myself into it.

-Oh, great. -Oh, Alex.

Look, I don't want to lose something this good

for something I'm not certain I even want.

Yeah, you're not certain.

So, you might.

You know, what if you end up

regretting it, or resenting me?

You don't even know what it is that you'd be giving up.

Okay? I do.

I...

You should be relieved, Patrick.

I'm making it so easy for you.

You should-- oh, shit!

-You alright, pal? -No!

-Here, let's get out of here. -No! What?

Ah, don't move me! Don't move me! Don't move me!

How do you feel?

You alright? You're looking...

Ow!

-Ruari, you home? -Yeah, I just got back.

Mum, I'm sorry about...

It's fine. It's fine.

It's not fine. I was awful.

Look, you were hurting, so you hurt me. And that's just how it goes.

If your dad was still around, he'd be the one getting it, so.

You know.

Maybe that's my fault, too.

How was the rest of your night with...

Yeah, it was good. Yeah, how was yours?

Yeah. Yeah. Good.

Yeah, made some great friends.

Created some wonderful memories.

Can I get in with you for a minute?

Have you ever weighed yourself before and after you took a shit

to see what the difference is?

-I imagine if they added... -Is this someone you know?

Mum, stop. Just stop.

...so you didn't even need to do the maths.

Like, I am dead-ass serious, guys.

I'm not playing.

Guys, it's not funny. I was AFK.

It's like a, like, AI thing.

Oh, my God! That's magic!

That was good.