Original subtitles

Baby. Y'all got snacks and couches?

Tell

us

what your favorite night is, girl.

What the hell is going on?

Are you using my crew to shoot a music video?

Yes. It's my new theme song for Sunday Night Football.

Do you think they'll like it? I mean, no, I don't. Mostly because you kept

saying Monday. You did. I didn't want to say anything, but you kind of did.

Yeah, maybe you just got confused because tonight is Monday.

Oh, snap.

Not bad.

Good note. Everybody back to one.

You just going to stand there or what?

Drama? No.

Drama. Carmelo Dinkins is secretly dating Delilah Basmati.

The Basmatis and Dinkinses are football's Montagues and Capulets,

Autobots and Decepticons for modern audiences.

And when Reggie and Monica realize that their Romeo, or Bumblebee, is dating

Jerry and TJ's Juliet, Starscream... Look, Reggie has always been able to

count on his family, through injuries, scandal, and even the ill-advised

Kwanzaa album.

And now his only son has been taken into the bosom of his greatest rival.

Talk about drama!

Bella, did the Manning cast ever get back to us? Oh, their assistant said

they passed, so I sent flowers.

All my friends are dying.

Of course, Reggie getting a few votes for the Hall didn't suddenly make

everything go back to the way it was before his scandal. We didn't know how

good we had it during the Bush presidency.

But some things have changed.

Reggie's episode of SNL is finally up on Peacock.

I'm also 50, Sally O'Malley!

And I feel like Jet fans have started to chill out a little.

Hey, Dinkins, I'm increasingly ambivalent about you.

The tricky thing is capitalizing on all that, but I can't keep up with what's

even a thing anymore.

Yeah, Monica thought she booked me on Pablo Torres' sports podcast.

It turned out to be Julio Torres'... something.

What do you think about the color clear?

A lot. It was fun, but it didn't get me any closer to the Hall of Fame.

Back in the day, we had a whole outside PR and marketing firm. Now I don't even

have an assistant anymore.

Late last night...

Bella went to a farm upstate.

Oh, why did I say it like that? No, she really did.

Her son lives in Bovina. She wanted to be closer to her grandkids.

She's fine.

We need help. I tried Googling how to get famous without having to be Steve

Harvey. No one says Google anymore, Reg. Now you say search it up.

Is that true? I don't believe you.

Knock, knock, Mr.

Tobin. A major favorite.

Warm beans, scalding hot tomatoes, two hard eggs, blood meat, and some wet

mushrooms. A proper English breakfast.

Yums. But I know that you know that I know about you and your young lady, and

you should also know that I cannot be bribed. Okay.

Well, then how about blackmail?

I grew up with sisters and I never learned the other way.

And I was trying to tell you that I can't be bribed because I'm not going to

say anything.

Why? Because I don't have to.

It's going to come out eventually. I mean, what happens when you want to take

her to prom?

Or graduation?

I know how this ends. I, too, knew forbidden love when I was your age. She

was the groundskeeper at the boarding school that I went to. And when the

headmaster found our letters... Physical letters?

Like with stickers on them? Stamps, yeah.

I'm just saying, your families will find out sooner or later, and you and Delilah

have to be prepared for the kind of intense, emotional scenes that would be

very compelling in a trailer.

So I'm meeting with assistants, and I'm a little overwhelmed.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised given the job market, but I've got computer

science majors, out-of-work food safety inspectors, a bunch of Spirit Airline

pilots, CBS news producers, vaccinated country singers.

But hey, if I can't afford a whole marketing department, maybe a with-it

young assistant.

Nope. Can't legally say young.

An assistant that's only ever started a car like this.

I'm pushing a button. Is that clear?

Okay, now my other hand is on a steering wheel.

Does that read better?

Maybe one of them can help me take this agency into the 21st century, which is

already more than a quarter over.

Holy... Is this right?

You have a master's in marketing?

Yeah, I wrote my thesis on those Capital One commercials where Jennifer Garner is

friends with Spike Lee and Charles Barkley. I read they live together. It's

a polycule.

Look, I know I'm overqualified, but I am literally just looking for any

opportunity to show what I can do.

Okay, then tell me what I'm doing wrong with Reggie Dinkins. I have cold-called

every sports show, podcast, and celebrity cruise. I've even reached out

to the Ad Council. Back in the 90s, Reggie's first national TV spots were

PSAs. Y2K is coming! Furry your money in the woods!

First of all, you need to stop trying to engage with the gatekeepers. They don't

matter anymore.

DM talent directly. They are on their phones way more than they're on their

email. That's how I got Dochi to yarf into a Tux Clutch Mini on Hot Ones.

You're hired.

Hang up your stuff, Carmelo.

I don't recognize this curl pattern.

I'm 2C.

Monica has braids and Rusty is 3B.

Go ahead, Carmelo.

Quick, talking head. I think Carmelo may have himself a little yeah, yeah.

A secret girlfriend.

Oh, wow, right.

The family Spotify is like all Kehlani now.

Air supply.

Oh, thank you. And based on the laundry, Carmelo started washing his ass.

And so nobody in the family knows who this girl is?

If I don't know, you know they don't. But I'm not gonna pry, because...

I'm a cool stepmom, like Cheryl Lee Ralph and Moesha.

Alice and Janie and Juno.

Yeah, of course, and I mean, what would be the point? You probably wouldn't be

able to figure it out anyway.

Please, I could find a high school girl.

Let's take a look at Carmelo's memo.

Okay, who you paying back for pizza with a heart?

Click on her profile.

Aw, she's cute.

3c just like i said reverse image search to find her insta

hold on why is she in so many pictures with oh no what do you see is that

jesus joseph and a goddamn donkey she's a basmati oh i hope that boy get home

safe from school so i could kill him it's been a week since a hall of fame

vote and according to our new head of publicity

That's like a lifetime these days. It always has been for a lunar moth. But we

haven't done anything to capitalize on this momentum.

Um, ex-squeeze you.

I mean, I handle Reggie's socials, and four days ago, we posted this.

We outside.

That's a thing from COVID, and you're clearly inside.

Well, what about the documentary?

And when are people going to see that?

Like, a year from now?

Yeah, if you want to rush it and end up with a jumbo The Elephant Dreams of

Trees on your hands.

A what? Yeah, exactly.

Reggie, we've got to get your face out there now, like today.

High key.

People do like my face because I have an extra layer of skin.

You okay?

I talked to Mr. Tobin. Did you show him that video you took of him trying to get

a key onto a key ring?

Oh, come on.

Please.

Please. No, I didn't even have to get that far.

He said he won't tell anyone.

So, what's the problem, Carmi Bear?

I told you, he films everything.

You ever watch that movie Eagle Eye with Shia LaBeouf? I'm a teenage girl in

2026. I've seen the action thriller Eagle Eye starring Michelle Monaghan and

Billy Bob Thornton. Well, he is Eagle Eye.

It's just... What is our plan here?

I mean, our parents are gonna find out at some point.

We'll be more careful from now on.

Was thinking for prom I'll take my friend Brandon and you take your friend

Alice and then at the dance we switch Because they both have face blindness.

Oh my god. You're like a genius Hey

Why aren't you two answering your phone cuz we're doing what you asked Monica

we're making content.

I'm doing an unboxing video

Is air-conditioned filters fam?

Max, tell Reggie the good news.

Crisis risen?

Girl, he been back.

No. Mike Tirico agreed to interview you for his Sunday night football pre

-pregame show. It tapes tomorrow.

That's amazing!

Who needs gatekeepers? Am I right?

I can't celebrate by doing the worm anymore, so vertical worm!

If I could turn my head... It would be like you were on the ground. I'm sorry.

DMing Mike Tirico was the easy part. Now we have to make this a thing that

anybody would care about.

Celebrity interviews, they're boring.

Unless they're controversial.

Kanye, got it. Or have an animal.

Mudang icon.

Or sex.

So any interview Seth Meyers does.

Or heartwarming.

Controversial animal sex heartwarming. C-A-S-H. Cash.

And if we hit more than one of those things... Ooh, like Mudang in a bikini?

You're not just doing an interview.

You're trending.

Okay. I could do controversial. They had to edit me out of Hugh Hefner's roast.

And we have an animal we can use.

Rusty's ferret.

Slinky. I think the people know about Slinky by now, Monica. I talk about her

all the time.

Ferrets love to play and explore.

How much do you think Slinky is going to be in the documentary?

A lot, probably?

Okay. What's her name?

I know you've seen someone.

Carmelo. You little low Romeo.

I want to meet this girl. What's her Insta? She doesn't have one.

No hands.

Liar! Do you have a death wish? No, I didn't even know who she was when we

met.

I guess we, uh, both got cones, huh?

I, uh, guess you do, too.

Whatever. I forbid you from dating Delilah Basmati. Well, no, I mean, it's

not even that serious.

We only hung out, like, a couple of times.

A couple of times this week, maybe.

They see each other every day after school.

You've been filming us? You knew?

Jail!

Space jail.

What's the difference? Space jail moves at the speed of light, so time goes

slower. When your sentence is done, centuries have passed on Earth.

Everything you knew and everyone you loved is gone. No.

Oh, and I have not forgot about you.

Brina. Don't Brina me.

I'm eight years older than you.

I was reading chapter books when you were still in diapers.

What were you thinking?

Things are finally going good for this family. I know.

I just... Really liked Delilah. Then ended for her sake.

If your parents find out, they will kill you. And they are the nice ones.

Wait! You can't date a Basmati.

They're evil.

Jerry and Tisha Basmati catfished me.

And then I ran into Salma Hayek for real and kissed her, and there was zero

chemistry. Wait, how do you know about... The AC vent above the laundry

connects to the one in your room.

Wait, is that why sometimes you're crying late at night? No.

No, it's not.

No, but now all three of you are keeping a secret from Reggie.

As am I. Perhaps we should rip the Band-Aid off and tell Reggie right now.

I will kick you so hard.

No, no, no. I'll do it.

I'll end it.

Just promise me you guys won't tell my mom or my dad.

Okay, I won't. And if you do hear crying, it's probably just the wind

watching videos of old dogs eating birthday cakes.

Reggie Dinkins, welcome back to Sunday Night Football.

It's been a minute.

Yes.

Thank you.

Football.

Right before he went on, I handed Slinky to Reggie, but then I'm watching

backstage, and I'm like, where the hell is Slinky?

Ferris loved to play and explore Monica.

So she went in my shirt, and she explored everywhere.

You're finally in the conversation for the Hall of Fame. How does that feel?

Slinky, stop!

Are you okay? No!

No!

No, Sleeky's not bad, Sleeky. Uh-oh, don't go in there, Sleeky.

I have to go now.

Well,

that was unusable.

Now we have five minutes to fill, but I promise it will be magic.

Do you really think they'd tell?

The last time I saw Braina this mad was when Rihanna said she had news to drop

and it ended up being another stupid pregnancy.

I thought we had more time.

But I think Gator overheard us on the phone the other day.

Who? Gator's my dad's friend who lives in our pool house.

He's like your Rusty, except his real doll eats dinner with us.

I wrote a goodbye song for you.

Can you give me a beat?

Of course I can, Kermit Bear.

You're so dang talented.

Boy,

I wish I had a stepmom like you growing up instead of Shawna. All she cared

about was my dad's body.

Sometimes you gotta be a Maleficent.

I love love, but I also love peace, okay?

And you, Acton R, one doesn't know who the girl is. You simply must find out.

Who's the girl? What's her bloody identity?

All right, mate, I might have stirred the pot a little bit, but Carmelo and

Delilah put the beans into that pot. All right, this is their chili.

Yeah.

We should make chili.

And I could have told Monica and Reggie. I made a big dramatic scene out of it,

but I didn't. True.

Good looking out.

So do we want three bowls of chili or just one big bowl, three spoons?

Damn fair.

I'm not mad at Slinky.

I'm just disappointed.

I almost sat on the cake.

Debra's party could be ruined.

God in heaven.

Heaven?

What are you guys doing here?

I was on my way home when I realized I left my charger and I only used the old

kind. No.

What in the hell are you doing here?

I'm trying to pay my rent. I only took this bum-ass minimum wage job so I'd

have some place to shoot my office party cake-sitting vids for OnlyFans.

It's called splashing, young man.

Wow.

You are so fired. No, you know what? You don't get to judge me, okay?

I live with eight roommates in Bushwick.

Because that's all I can afford.

And now you're ruining my side hustle.

Maybe if you all sit on the cake?

Look, man, I don't care what you do to Monica's office, but the whole cash

thing blew up in my face, among other places.

Oh, you mean I don't have a secret cheat code for Internet fame.

Nobody does.

Did you also lie about your resume?

No. And that's the problem.

I am in so much debt for an education that is useless now. I was the one who

was lied to, Monica.

My whole generation was, thanks to you boomers. Hey, we are Gen X.

At least you guys knew. Maybe one day you could buy a home. Or, I don't know,

afford kids. Or maybe even stop buying coffee on Klarna.

The world is on fire. The ticks, they're winning!

And my sister's school just shut down because of measles. Yeah!

Measles are back!

Thank you for that!

You ready?

Bad day?

You know, I used to think that Sisyphus guy in Latin class had it all figured

out. He's got a job, getting his steps in.

But getting really close to your goals and then having to start over is

actually really frustrating.

I know how that feels.

Yeah, you do. Talk about having to start over. You blew up your career so bad.

My movie was the only job you could get.

Hey, not the only job. I also directed some sexual harassment training videos

before this.

Hey, Karen, I want you to come to my office and sit on a cake I bought.

Sad.

And you don't even have a family that loves you.

But, you know, Reggie, that is why, no matter what happened today, I know for a

fact you've been through worse.

You know, if the Sisyphus guy had a dude he could talk to, maybe the rock thing

wouldn't have been so hard.

I'm glad I have you, Arthur Tobin.

We get each other, despite, you know, what your people did.

What if Delilah was Carmelo Sisyphus' buddy?

I mean, who else could understand what it was like to grow up the way they both

did? And with those fathers.

Taught to hate another family for things that happened before they were even

born.

And they have a Rusty.

And I broke them up.

Yeah, I have to... What the hell?

Oh, no!

Slinky, no! No! Slinky, not in there!

It's supposed to be on during this commercial break.

Oh,

this is it!

It's on!

Here's a touchdown that anyone can score.

Vaccinate your kids against measles. You'd have to have a worm in your brain

not to do it.

But,

Monica, that's from, like, the 1900s. How is it on TV?

Well, I called the Ad Council with a new pitch.

I realized they were going to need to make a bunch of new PSAs for all those

old diseases or...

They could just rerun the ones they already have.

And if the measles can make a comeback, so can Reggie Dinkins. I said it from

the start. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

And I never did.

But if Max is right, and no one knows what they're doing, then we know as much

as anyone.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Carmelo, can we talk?

Oh.

What does a teenage boy need with stamps?

He didn't even know what a stamp was two days ago.

But then I remembered.

I had seen those stamps somewhere.

This way.

Their breakup was a ruse for the cameras.

They knew I was watching and they planned it all via the post.

Carmelo and Delilah didn't break up.

They just went off the grid.

Well, I have learned my lesson.

And this time I shall play no part in the...

inevitable drama.

Truly, after all, who am I to come between a Reggie and his beloved Arthur?

What people don't realize is that when they kiss an envelope, the mailman is

the next person that handles that envelope.

So the kiss goes to us.

We deliver your mail, but we keep the kisses.

We keep the kisses.

Good night!