Original subtitles

On our wedding day, my ex-husband got in a fistfight with the accordion player

because the poor guy didn't know any Led Zeppelin.

That was my first hint that maybe I'd chosen unwisely.

Anyway, after eight years and three children, I decided to go it alone.

And believe me, it was the hardest decision I've ever made. But I figured I

had two choices. I could spend the rest of my life waking up next to a knuckle

-dragging, cousin-loving, beer-sucking redneck, or I could work like a dog for

lousy money while I raise three kids all by myself.

Boy, is it nice to have choices.

Hey, quit hitting me with the balloon.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's the rule about throwing things in the car while Mama's driving?

Don't. And what's the punishment?

Death.

Mom? Yeah?

Can I get a BB gun?

No, it'll put your eye out.

What does it put your eye in?

Where are you stupid?

Hey, okay, okay, instead of fighting, let's everybody sing.

Libby, Libby, bo-bee-bee-bo-na.

dad will ever live together again.

No, honey, I don't think so. Why doesn't he live with us?

Because he won the coin toss.

Do you mind us asking questions about this?

No, honey, of course not. It's good for you guys to ask questions. Go ahead, ask

me anything you want.

Where do farts come from?

I just tell people they come from the dog.

Patrick's choking on his gum.

Gum? What gum?

Gum? I can't believe he's got gum.

Hey, give Mommy the gum patch. That'll avoid Mom.

What, Quentin?

There's a police car behind us.

Oh, God.

Can I see your license and registration, please?

Is there a problem, officer?

Don't be mad, Mommy. She was just kidding about killing us.

Baby, get back in the car.

It's just a game that we're playing.

You sure it is, ma'am?

You're weaving back there to the no-stopping zone. I'm gonna have to

write you a citation.

A ticket? I can't afford a ticket. I can barely afford this damn balloon. Do you

have any idea what my life is like? No, ma'am, but you were weaving... I'm gonna

tell you. You see those kids in there? I'm raising them by myself.

No child support, no alimony, and you know what?

It's hard.

It's damn hard. Nobody gives you a medal at the end of the day.

21 Bravo, I made you back up here. Nobody comes up and pats you on the back

and says, way to go, Mom. All you have is the love of those children, and that

better be enough, because you don't have a social life, and you can forget about

having a sex life. I don't even have time to put the shower head on, Pulse.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. Lady.

I'm sorry. Calm down.

No. I don't want to live this life anymore. Just shoot me. Just go ahead.

We just call this a warning.

Get back in your car. Drive your kids home.

Have a nice day.

Don't forget to buckle up.

Works every time.

Can you see me walking down the street?

Beatbox plans a click track to my empty mind.

now my walkman's playing a slow and mentalist march and i'm looking for that

bright spot in the sky but in my eyes there's a

perfect world i can see it a perfect world

Because whether you're tired or not has nothing to do with it, honey. You go to

bed when Mama's tired.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, what's in the box?

A frog I found. Yeah? Cool.

Quentin, he's real dead.

Well, yeah.

I hit him with a real baseball bat.

Why would you do that? It's wrong to mistreat animals.

Dad used to hunt squirrels with a hammer.

Listen, I'm going to tell you something.

I want you to remember, every time you hurt a small animal, a clown dies.

Really?

Bozo's probably coughing up blood right this minute.

Okay, I promise.

Thank you.

Hey, Mom, can I get a BB gun?

You know, Quentin, I don't know what I was thinking when I said no. I'm gonna

go put on my fuzzy pink slippers and run out to the all-night BB gun toy store

and buy you the biggest one they got.

My name is Nadine Swoboda. I'm here to tell you about Ginny Lee Cosmetics and

the Lord.

Hey, Nadine.

Come on in.

You'll never guess who came into the bar tonight. Husband number two.

Oh, you're kidding.

Cletus? Yes.

The man who could never finish anything.

Cletus Interruptus.

Well, he's married again, and you're not going to believe this. He's got kids.

Oh, honey, you must feel terrible.

Why would I feel terrible?

Well, think about it.

Evidently, after he left you, he became Cletus Completus.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I got a temp job at the oil refinery, and it

might go permanent. That's wonderful.

Now all you need is a permanent guy.

Uh-uh. I just need one for about a half hour.

You know, I met someone who I think would be perfect for you.

Nadine, the last guy you set me up with wore a little metal hat to prevent Ted

Koppel from controlling his thoughts.

I'm telling you, this guy is a catch.

This guy. If I was not married, I'd drop a hook in the water myself.

Where'd you meet him? He comes into the bar a lot. He's a pharmacist.

Wonderful. An alcoholic with access to drugs.

No, he always orders a pina colada. Everybody knows alcoholics don't drink

tropical drinks.

Those little umbrellas are too hard to pass.

I don't know. Maybe you can set something up in a couple of weeks. It's

going to have to be a little sooner than that. Why?

Because he's sitting in your backyard.

You brought him here?

This whole time we've been talking about Cletus and... Oh, God, there's a man in

my backyard.

He's dying to meet you. I told him most of you is blonde.

He did.

He looked like hell. Put some lipstick on. There you go.

Russell, honey, come on in. You're dead.

Grace, I'd like for you to meet Russell Norton.

Russell, this is my best friend, Grace Kelly.

Grace Kelly?

Yeah, except I never won an Oscar, and I'm a better driver.

It's her married name. Pay no attention.

Hey, it's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Well,

maybe I'll just leave you two alone.

No. No.

Look, I'm sorry for barging in on you like this, but I did say I'd like to

meet you sometime, and Nadine's kind of pushy, and she dragged me over. Oh, shut

up! Hojo's, Friday night, fried clams, all you can eat. Say yes.

Just one second.

If you don't mind, I just came out of a really bad marriage, and I'd like to ask

you a couple of questions first.

Sure. Have a seat.

Got some questions of my own.

Okay.

Have you ever bought an $800 pair of shoes just because you thought they

looked yummy?

No.

Do you chew tobacco or on a belt buckle bigger than my head?

No.

Have you ever had the fat sucked out of your thighs and injected into your lips?

No, but thanks for the tip.

Have you ever moved your entire family to another state just so you could buy

beer on Sunday?

No.

Have you ever had sex with your psychiatrist?

Russell, look around here. Does it look like I can afford a psychiatrist?

Okay, I think we can do this.

Yeah, this will work.

This is so romantic.

Hey, Sweet Pea.

You know the only reason you got this job is because you're a chick, and the

company caved in to chick pressure.

Au contraire, Archimedes.

The only reason I got this job is because I promised to have sex with the

smart guys.

Too bad for you.

i guess you and i are the quota babes well i think it's long overdue why

should we have to settle for low-paying clerical jobs just because we have

undescended sexual organs i'm here to prove that women are just as good as men

i'm here for the dental coverage all right let's listen up

before we start work this morning management's asked me to initiate a

program to create Better working conditions between our male and female

employees. Great.

It's called gender sensitivity training. Hey, I got your gender right here. How'd

you like to train it?

Now, Carl, Carl, that's what you call your unwanted sexual harassment.

What kind of harassment can we do?

Hey, hey, my brother's been on a waiting list for three years to work here.

So how come these two skirts get jobs right off the bat, huh?

Because it's the view of this company that the workforce should reflect the

diversely demographic composition of society as a whole.

Don't even think about it, Dougie.

Female employees are not to be addressed in any derogatory or demeaning words.

This includes skirts, chicks, broads, babes, et cetera, et cetera. Hey, I've

been working here six years, and nobody ever got sensitive about what they

called me.

That's because you are a big flaming piehole, Carl.

How would you like to be addressed?

Well, my name's Wanda Honeycutt, so Ms. Honeycutt would be fine, and once we're

all on a first-name basis, Wanda would be okay as well. All right, all right,

all right.

And how about you?

Oh, I don't know. How about Throbbing Mattress Kitten?

If you allow yourself to be addressed in that manner, you're demeaning all women.

Honey, shut up.

You're not helping me here.

Um, look, my name's Grace. I don't care what you call me. I don't want special

treatment. You guys treat me with respect. I'll treat you with respect.

And if at the end of the day we all wind up in the shower together, then God love

us. Welcome.

Which one of you girls is Grace Kelly?

It's women, not girls.

Women. Women, women.

Hey, I'm 35 years old. I've got three kids. I can hide a can of cat food under

each breast.

If Pops thinks I look like a girl, it makes me happy.

What's up, Wilford?

Uh, well, you got a call. Your son got in a fight at school. He wants you to

come down there right away.

Oh, man. Look, would it be all right if I took a short break?

You haven't started yet. I know. I'll make it up. It's just my son's in

trouble. I'm sorry.

If you go, I'll have to get someone else. Oh, please don't. I need the job.

Come on, Bill. Cut her some slack. She's a mother.

Yeah. What is your sensitivity?

You let Phil off when his wife died. It's because Phil shot her.

All right, all right.

Okay. But you owe me big time. Hey, Mom.

I don't mean in a physical woman-guy way.

I mean... Bring us a box of donuts. We'll call it even.

Thanks. You're a sweetheart.

Dougie. Yeah, Bill.

I like this world a lot better when we could just pinch him on the butt. Yeah,

I hear you.

Damn it, Quentin. You almost got fired because I had to come bail your butt out

today. This is the third fight you've gotten into since school started.

Does this mean I can't get a BB gun?

Forget the BB gun. You hit a kid over the head with a garbage can. He called

me a wuss. It made me mad.

Well, you know you're not a wuss. You didn't have to get in a fight over that.

You're not a boy. You don't understand.

I understand you can't be getting in fights because somebody hurts your

feelings. He didn't hurt my feelings. He made me mad.

So what happens when I make you mad? You gonna hit me, too?

No, of course not. I'm not like Dad.

What do you mean you're not like Dad?

I'd never hit you, ever.

I thought I kept that a pretty good secret.

Okay, Quentin, no more secrets, um, between us.

Yeah, you're right. Sometimes your dad would hit me.

He'd always apologize, but then if he got really mad or if he had too much to

drink, he'd do it again.

That's the real reason he got divorced, isn't it?

I got tired of being scared all the time.

I guess if you knew what was going on, you're pretty scared too, huh?

No.

Is that so?

Maybe a little.

Well, you and me sure are a bunch alike.

But that's like we're tough when we're scared.

You know what I mean?

I guess.

Does Libby know what went on?

No. Libby's stupid.

Okay. We'll talk about this more later.

But for now, here's the rule.

If somebody tries to hurt you, you've got a right to defend yourself, but

that's the only time it's okay to hit somebody. You got it?

Just because somebody makes you mad, you can't go around hitting them with

garbage cans. How about a chair? No chairs.

Okay, okay.

Thank you.

I gotta go back to work, and you gotta go to class.

Yeah.

You know Jimmy?

Yeah. The kid I had a fight with.

He said he was gonna kick me in my testicles.

He did, huh?

Yeah. Where would that be, Mom?

Testicles.

You know, I used to know that.

You know, I got a feeling this Russell guy could turn out to be Mr.

Right. Last guy you said that about, I'm married, he turned out to be Mr. Right

Hook.

Does Quentin ever remind you of his father?

Well, let's see. Quentin has never thrown a lawnmower at my car, so I'll

have to say no. Why?

I don't know. I just worry maybe the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

It's not the same thing. Quentin is a good apple. The tree drank a lot of Jack

Daniels.

Nadine, how'd I ever stay in that marriage so long?

Oh, honey, you believe there's good in everybody, and you believe that people

could change. Now you know. That's just...

Wrong?

Well? Very nice. It's conservative, yet horny.

Aren't you late for work?

All right, I'm on my way. Take that, big boy.

Oh, good luck tonight.

I'm sure this outfit looks all right. Oh, God, you're acting like you're sweet

16 and never been kissed.

Nadine, I'm from Alabama. Believe me, by the time you're 16, you've been kissed.

Relatives don't count.

Russell, I'm sorry. Babysitter said she'd be here at 7 o'clock. I don't know

where she is.

That's okay. I'm having a good time.

Hey, how come Yogi Bear wears a hat and a tie and he's got no pants?

He's not real.

I knew that.

I bet she's here.

Hiya.

Are you Jody? Yeah.

Um, I hope you don't mind. I brought my boyfriend.

Hi.

Hi. You know they make beer in flavors now?

There's no way I'm leaving my babies with Sid and Nancy.

That's okay. Maybe some other time.

Well, wait. I mean...

You smell good, I smell good, you got me flowers, I shaved my legs.

I shouldn't waste all this.

Well, we could always take the kids with us. Please say no, I'm bluffing.

We got two choices.

One, you stay here with the kids and I go out.

Or... I'll just make dinner here.

Okay, that sounds really nice.

Okay, come on, I'll set a table on the back porch.

Mommy? You what, honey?

Can I tell you a secret?

Well, Libby, it's not polite to tell secrets in front of people. If you want

to say something, you can say it in front of everybody.

That man has a fat butt.

She's going through that everybody's got a fat butt stage.

So you got any kids?

No. I wanted some, but it would have interfered with my wife's career as a

consumer.

This is really delicious. What is this?

It's macaroni and cheese with little hot dog chunks.

Your wife didn't cook much for you either, did she?

Once when I was sick, she made me some toast.

Russell, honey, you don't know what a bad marriage is.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I got a buck right here that says my marriage was worse than yours.

Oh, you're on.

Okay.

On the honeymoon?

My ex-wife brought along her dog because she wanted something to play with.

On my honeymoon, my ex brought along his three brothers so I wouldn't have to cut

bait all by myself.

Okay, how about this?

After I bought her a house, she gained like 112 pounds and grew a mustache.

Gotcha. When I was in labor with Quentin, Mr. Wonderful staggered into

the waiting room and hit on my mama.

Real family man, huh?

I'm not finished.

His idea of foreplay was waking me up.

He moved his lips while reading stop signs.

He wouldn't let the kids watch Star Trek because there was a colored girl in it.

Sitting out here with another grown-up, eating dinner, talking, no kids

bothering us. This is the most fun I've had in months.

Yeah, me too.

It's too bad we have to trash our exes to have something to talk about, though.

Yeah, we should learn to forgive and get on with our lives.

Yeah.

Double or nothing?

Easy money.

Okay. She once bought a car because it matched her purse.

My ex was arrested for relieving himself on a police dog.

Oh.

You're the cutest little rug rat in the whole world. I love you and your brother

and sister so much.

Y'all make Mama so happy.

Mom!

What? I'm sweating.

How come Libby gets the stamp as late as I do?

I'm older. How come she always gets her way?

Because that's how God planned it. He made little girls cute and precious so

they'd always get their own way.

But that's not fair.

Oh, but it is fair.

Because you see, they don't stay little for very long. Before you know it,

little girls become women. And then God punishes them for the rest of their

lives.

Elizabeth Louise, fat butt.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna marry anybody.

Good night.

Yeah.

Hey, Mom?

Yeah? Can I get a BB gun?

No, Quentin, you can't, but don't lose hope. Maybe the nice folks at the

orphanage will get you one.

Hey, Quentin, wanna hear something real weird?

What? My friend Jane's mom is married to another lady.

Nuh-uh.

Uh-huh. She got two moms and had to read a book about it.

Boy, I guess we're real lucky to live in a regular house, huh?

Yeah. We got one parent like everybody else.