Original subtitles

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Thanks for picking me up, Gramps.

Are you still okay to take me

and Lauren to the WuperDuper concert tonight?

Absolutely, although I don't know

what you see in that cake pop.

K-pop.

You should try some real music.

No, Gramps, no.

"50 Best Country Bangers," the only CD a man needs.

(country music plays on stereo)

# Your cheating horse #

# Knows what you do #

Or what about you listen to a WuperDuper song?

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE)

Come on, Gramps. WuperDuper is the best group in the world.

Oops.

Goldie! Goldie. Lauren.

Only 4 hours until WuperDuper.

They might crowd-surf.

One of them might step on my face.

(BREATHING HEAVILY) What's up with your gramps?

I don't know. It's probably the country music.

It's really depressing.

Yeah. Hi. My cell phone isn't charging.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

I have to keep it plugged in all the time,

which means I'm trapped next to the socket.

Esther, can you get that?

Talk on an unsecured line? No chance.

Ugh.

(TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

Yes?

Good morning. This is the complaints department.

Could I please speak to Lord Greenaway of Stramby?

Lord Greenaway of Stramby? There's no--

I'll take that. Yes. Speaking.

Yeah. I'd know to complain

about the noisy popcorn-eating in your cinema.

Terence is a lord? I beg your pardon?

Do you think he's keeping something from us?

Yes, our lunch, if you annoy him.

He's rude. He orders us around.

It kind of makes sense. I'll call you back.

Something important came up.

Hello?

(SIGHS)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE)

I can't believe we're going

to see WuperDuper in real life...

real life, Goldie, not just in the doctored photos

they made me take off ClakClak.

Has anyone been using my incense?

Oh. sorry, Rainbow.

I needed something to mask the smell of Terrance's shoes.

Those shoes are why I need the incense.

Could you pop down to the shops for me?

Sure. Thanks, Maury.

(SIGHS)

I'll walk down there now. Walk?

But, Gramps, you always say walking is what people do

when they can't find a cab.

Yeah, I know,

but I really don't want to get in the cab right now.

I'm a bit shook up after the accident,

You mean the thing with the bins?

Can we not talk about it?

Hello. Yes.

I'd like to complain about your complaints department.

Tea? What are you up to?

Do I have to be up to anything, Terrance,

or, should I say "your excellency"?

You can call me, "Your imperial majesty,"

if it makes you go away.

Aha, so you're not denying it, then.

The only thing I'm denying is you your dinner

if you don't get out of my room.

This is the worst complaints experience I've ever endured.

You're not supposed to start

crying until after I've shouted at you.

He can't even go near the cab.

Something is wrong. We have to help him.

But the concert... there isn't time.

We've got to write "We are WuperDupremes"

on our foreheads, and I've scheduled us

to be sick with excitement around 6:00,

and then we have to get in Maury's taxi and go to the...

Oh.

Right. If Gramps can't drive, he can't take us to the gig,

and my mom doesn't drive.

And my mom won't take the car out

if there are puddles on the road.

We have to do something. I know.

We have to find a way to restore Gramps' car-fidence.

# I've got a plan #

# I flew over the ocean to tell you how #

# Me and my fam #

# We caused a commotion #

# When we landed on my granddad #

# It's chaos at home, but it's always fun #

# Fun fun fun fun #

# 'Cause you're never too old, and you're never too young #

# Around here #

# So this is me #

# Just trying to keep it all together #

"Dear Lord Greenaway, thank you for explaining

"why our gravy formula is unacceptable.

"Lord Terrance, please accept this coupon as compensation

for your substandard meal"?

He is a lord.

Hmm.

Not bad. Could have done with another three sugars.

If Terrance is a lord,

why does he sleep in a utility room?

Because he's British aristocracy.

They're famously eccentric and rich...

which means one day

he'll want to leave all that money and land to someone.

And I take it you think that someone could be you.

Maybe. All I have to do

is be really nice to him for the rest of his life.

I could manage that for riches beyond my dreams.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, Danny.

I need biscuits.

Hit me. No, don't hit me. Tell me the plan.

Okay. Gramps' accident was tiny.

There is no way he should be so freaked out by it,

so we're going to make him go through it all again.

Like getting straight back on your bike

when you break your leg?

No, that sounds like a terrible idea.

Yeah. It was.

Okay. Well, not that.

What I mean is we re-create the accident so he sees

it was just a little case of a wobbly trash can.

It'll be like therapy.

Brilliant. I've always wanted to rewire his brain.

Not rewiring, healing.

Problem is, Gramps won't even get into his cab.

How do we re-create the situation?

I might just have a crazy idea.

Are you sure this will work?

Not really, but I promised crazy, and I delivered.

Absolutely it will work.

This is going to change your whole view on the accident.

I promise.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

# Santianno gained a day #

# Away, Santianno #

# Santianno gained a day along the-- #

What is this?

It's a shanty, lad, song of the sea.

Carry on, but first, more biscuits.

Of course.

(CHUCKLES)

What's this?

A plan to cure Gramps of his car-phobia.

He's in here.

Not literally.

We've got a camera feeding into his VR helmet so that--

You know what? Really sorry I asked.

Enjoy your crazy scheme.

I have to get cookies so a secret aristocrat

leaves me his castle.

I'm beginning to think our scheme isn't even crazy enough.

Come on. Let's do this.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Ready, Gramps? (IMITATES ENGINE REVVING)

Transmitting.

What's happening? What's going on?

(IMITATES ENGINE REVVING)

Well, I'm not sure I can do this.

It's virtual reality. Nothing can hurt you.

Okay. Carry on.

(BEEPING)

Hit vitals are steady. Let's go for the turn.

Okay.

You're right, kiddo. It wasn't as bad as all that.

Uh-- Aah!

(WAILING)

Danny, where's my biscuits? What's all this shouting?

(WHIMPERING)

(GRUNTING)

What was that?

Gramps, are you okay?

(SOBBING)

I think we might need a plan B.

I must say, I'm loving this pampering session so far.

You can start filing down my corns now.

Yes, your lordship.

Why do you keep calling me that?

Okay. Coming clean.

Terrance, I know you're Lord Stramby.

Don't try to deny it. I've seen the letters.

I'd hoped to take my secret to the grave.

All that money, that finery-- and if my secret is out,

I suppose I'll have to move out, start again somewhere.

No. No. No. I won't tell. It can be our secret.

I can be your right-hand man, your trusted confidant.

Your family title is safe with me.

An easy thing to say, but how can trust you?

I'll prove my loyalty. I'll do whatever you want.

Anything I can get you, anything at all, name it.

Well, I suppose I'd quite like a bigger room.

A bigger room?

Well, living like a commoner is one thing,

but bunking up next to a washing machine

loses its shabby luster after a while.

But where would I even get a--

Oh, you mean my room?

Your room, really?

That's so generous of you, lad.

Anything for you, Terrance. (CHUCKLES)

I prefer "Me Lord" when it's just us two.

Now, if you don't mind...

(INHALES DEEPLY, GROANS)

Ahh.

So, in a selfish bid to get yourselves

to an overhyped teen event,

you've given Maury a terrible fear of driving

and the insides of bathrobes.

Disagree with "selfish" and "overhyped."

Otherwise, great recap. Any ideas?

What you need to do

is visually disorientate your subject.

Shine a light in their eyes and play white noise loud.

Then yell nonsense.

Trees, aardvark, tinker!

After a couple of hours,

they're like jelly in your hands.

You can make them think anything you want,

or so I've heard.

Or we could do it my way. Lie under a sacred cloth.

Light some dream candles

and encourage his inner child to remember joy.

No offense, Esther,

but I think we're going to go with Rainbow's thing.

Yes. Fine.

I've got some code-breaking-- I'm sorry--

crossword puzzles that I needed to do anyway.

And if all that ends in disaster,

I'll come up with a plan C

to help us to get to the concert,

a self-driving car or teleporter,

that sort of thing, something simple.

Total disaster, like that's going to happen.

Ready, Gramps?

Oh, yeah, very ready to forget all about today.

This is good.

He's in such a receptive state.

Now, like I said...

(CALM MUSIC)

You will forget

about what happened in the cab.

Remember only the good times.

Forget all about it.

Remember only the good times...

(ECHOING) Not the traumatic incidents.

That's the last box of model battleships from my--

I mean, your room, My Lord. (CHUCKLES)

Excellent, lad. (GRUNTING)

I'm going for a nap now.

Go defrost the freezer and disinfect the bin

before you start prepping for dinner.

Why not, My Lord? Ugh.

Why does there seem to be

an adolescent rummage sale in the kitchen?

Just swapping rooms with Lord Terrance.

If I play my cards right, he might leave me his castle.

Darling, Terrance is clearly not a lord of anything.

He is. He admitted it.

Just a few years of shameless groveling,

and he's bound to name me as his successor.

(BOWL RINGS) Forget the cab.

Remember the good times, not the bathrobe.

Forget. Forget. Forget.

Goldie, are you still doing the visualization?

I told you to stop after five minutes.

No. You didn't. Oh, no.

I must stop using telepathy

to give people important instructions.

Maury, are you okay?

Oh. Hi, Rainbow. Hi, kiddo.

He seems fine.

Hey, Gramps. You want to go drive the cab?

Sure. Oh, praise Gaia.

I thought you might have erased more than you meant to.

Looks like we're okay.

What's a cab?

So, plan B--I've downloaded a driving instructions manual,

How hard can it really be to remind you how to drive a cab?

That's the spirit. Now, where is this cab?

Gramps, it's right here. Brilliant.

You go in the front. Got it.

No. No, Gramps, the front door.

Right. (LAUGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGS) Another page...

Terrance, you've got a visitor.

I sent him into the living room.

Oh, Danny, go on, tell whoever it is

I'm otherwise engaged.

Terrance, darling,

he's very insistent he sees you now.

Better be important,

as I'll make Danny get very annoyed about it.

Now, hands on the wheel,

which is the round thing in front of you.

Okay, then-- (ENGINE TURNING OVER)

Oh. Wow. Great start, Gramps.

I didn't do anything. Welcome.

Please input your destination.

What's going on? And test initiated.

Lauren, what's happening?

My plan C, a self-driving car.

No need for Maury. The taxi can drive itself to WuperDuper.

Test one, drive to the bottom of the road.

Doors locked prior to departure.

Would all passengers

not intending to travel please leave the carriage?

What does that mean? There's a slight chance

that I downloaded the wrong software.

(TRAIN HORN BLARES) What kind of wrong software?

It's possible the car thinks it's a train.

It also might be a bit buggy. (INDISTINCT COMPUTER VOICE)

Let me out of here.

Do not leave the a carriage while the train is in motion.

Turn it off.

Light refreshments are available in the buffet car.

Lauren, stop it!

Terminate. End of the line.

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Hello.

Greenaway, I finally found you.

Oh, praise be to Her Majesty and The Lord.

Do I know you?

Oh, don't play the ignorant, you bounder.

You'll only make things worse for yourself.

Hey. You can't speak to Terrance like that.

Do you know who he is?

He's Lord Stramby, and I'm the 47th Lord FitzMorgan.

Our families have fought over the Stramby border

ever since his grandfather laid claim on our pheasant grounds,

and today I will settle

that feud for good the old- fashioned way.

Battleships?

Bare-knuckle wrestling.

(GROWLS)

(BELL DINGS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Police!

(GROWLS) Get away from me!

So Gramps is now even more terrified of his cab.

We failed.

Yet all is not lost.

30 minutes until the concert starts.

If we set off running now,

we should just about make the second half of the second half.

Come on.

Lauren, I can't.

Gramps has been a cabbie since before I was born.

He won't be Gramps if he can't drive.

I broke him. I have to stay until I fix him.

Oh. Well, I guess I should stay, too.

Best friends stick together.

You sure? You've been waiting for this concert for months.

I know. Bye.

Help me!

(BOTH SHOUTING)

Okay. Okay. Stop!

I'm not Lord Stramby. I made it up.

What? Why? To complain.

I sign all my letters "Lord Stramby"

so people take me seriously.

But you--I filed your corns.

I waxed your--

Wait. That works?

No one takes any notice of Terrance Greenaway,

but when Lord Stramby complains that he's had

plain crisps in a salt-and-vinegar bucket...

(CHUCKLES) I get free crisps for a year.

Ah, nonsense!

You expect me to believe the word of a Stramby?

I'd never. Come here, you!

Aah! Come here!

Help! I'll help you!

Police! Come here!

Wow. Imagine making up a fake lordship

only to discover there's a real feud out there.

Small confession, darling.

FitzMorgan isn't a lord either.

He's an old friend of mine

with a talent for being other people.

You mean he's an actor? Yes.

Let's call him that and leave it there.

I'll let you decide when to tell tales.

(SHOUTING)

Help me, Danny! I'll help you!

Meh. No rush.

You okay, love? Not really.

I've kind of broken Gramps,

and I thought he was bad after we bumped the cab.

You were in there with him. No wonder he's so upset.

He is kind of protective. Yeah, just a bit.

Do you remember the time

he tried to make your see-saw less dangerous?

(LAUGHS) The sit-saw.

That was no fun.

But what if he knew he couldn't hurt me?

I think I just came up with plan...E.

(LAUGHS)

Gramps.

Goldie, what are you wearing?

Protective equipment. Look.

Let's go for a drive.

There's no way you can hurt me.

Let it go. It won't work.

It will. Come on. Whoa!

You okay, kiddo?

Yeah. I just tweaked my ankle.

Tweaked? how badly tweaked?

Not badly.

Really badly.

Ow!

I need to go to the hospital, but how will I get there?

That's a silly question. I'm a cab driver, aren't I?

Let's go.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Gramps, it's worked.

What do you mean? What worked?

Plan F, pretending I was hurt.

You were so focused on getting me help,

you've forgotten you can't drive.

You're doing it without thinking.

Yeah. You're right. I'm driving.

I'm driving.

I'm driving. What?

Well, now I know you're not hurt,

I've forgotten to remember how to drive.

Aah! Quick. We need to make you forget

to remember you don't know how to drive--

something can make you do it without thinking.

Your driving CD, put it in.

Good idea. (HORN HONKS)

Uh, uh, phone.

Phone, play "Your Cheating Horse."

# Your cheating horse... #

That's it, kiddo. It's all coming back--

mirror, signal, maneuver, yell at the pedestrian

in the middle of the road.

Oh. It's Lauren.

Gramps, can we stop?

Lauren, you didn't even make it a mile.

Really?

I'm very unfit. Get in.

May as well take you to the cake pop now I'm cured.

Yay. Amazing. Whew.

There's just one thing.

We don't want to risk me forgetting how to drive again,

so I'll have to listen to country all the way.

(SIGHS)

(SINGING ALONG) # Your cheating horse #

# Knows what you do # (CHUCKLES)

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