Original subtitles

Loren!

Coming!

(BRIGHT MUSIC)

Ta-da! Ta-da!

Loren, why are you saying ta-da?

I don't know.

I just thought that's the thing to do now.

Haven't you noticed anything?

Yes, people don't like it

when you pour cold spaghetti down their tops.

Not that. The clothes?

It's 'cause of my new plan. We're going on vacation.

Yes, I love vacating things!

(BOTH CHEER)

There's just one problem.

This is how much money we have.

We have too much money.

Sorry, zoomed in.

Curse you, perspective!

By my calculations,

on allowances alone it's going to take us 11.3 years

to save enough cash to go away.

I don't think Arthur can wait that long.

We won't have to because I have a plan

to make it rain money.

Brilliant, as long as it's not coins,

that would cause a lot of damage,

which we can pay for with the coins.

Going for a run, Danny?

Sure am, Gramps, through a radioactive wasteland

while robotic aliens hunt me like a dog.

Mm, this neighborhood's really going downhill.

I'm talking about AR.

Right. I've got that.

Augmented reality?

No, arthritic rheumatism. What's your thing?

It's where you inject a video game

directly into your environment.

I'm going to be shooting up the living room

to win some serious eSports prize money.

Great, but I think normal reality

is a little less harrowing.

Maybe not.

Hey, Loren, who would you trust to look after kids?

Great question, Goldie.

I'd go for a super intelligent koala

with child-friendly robot arms.

(STATIC BUZZES)

Well, Goldie, I'm glad you asked because I would trust

the Goldren Babysitting Company.

The Goldren Babysitting Co.

But how could we afford such a great service?

Easy, because their rates are highly competitive,

even cheaper than

genetically engineering a fully qualified koala.

# Goldren Babysitting Co. #

# Don't hire koalas, no, no, no #

(SIGHS) I knew I shouldn't have let you write the jingle.

Too late. I've already posted it to Clak Clak.

I wonder how long it will be before we get our--

We got our first job. Sisters, Joanna and Layla.

They're coming this afternoon?

That means we have 3 hours

to plan so much fun that they--

Refuse to leave and beg us to adopt them?

Maybe slightly less fun than that.

That's a relief.

I'd be a very irresponsible mother.

(PLUCKY STRING MUSIC)

Ah, perfecto.

Now then, let's find somewhere safe to put you.

Attack! (SCREAMING)

No! Danny!

(GROANS)

See you later, sucker. (LAUGHING)

You're toast, bots.

Enemy neutralized.

Hm?

Don't pass it back. Attack, attack.

Attack! (YELLS)

(SCREAMS) Keep on coming.

You're going to get fried.

Come on then, big guy.

Eliminate.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, man.

(YELPS, GROANS)

(SIGHS) Every time.

Don't worry, Gramps. I'm okay.

(SIGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Welcome, children. Here at Goldren Babysitting,

we don't like kids.

We love them!

One, two, three, four.

(HISSES)

Okay, so maybe got to work on the dance.

Maybe put your phone down, sweetie?

Why?

Because we've planned so much fun for you,

and our first activity is-- drum roll, Loren.

(IMITATING DRUM FLOURISH)

Loren. Loren.

Loren. (LAUGHS)

The first activity is slime making.

Whoo! Yay!

Tough crowd.

(TUTS)

# I've got a plan #

# I flew over the ocean to tell you how #

# Me and my fam #

# We caused a commotion #

# When we landed on my granddad #

# It's chaos at home but it's always fun #

# Fun fun fun fun #

# 'Cause you're never too old and you're never too young #

# Around here #

# So this is me #

# Just trying to keep it all together #

(SIGHS)

You look like I did when Terrance started

No Trousers Tuesday.

I'm thinking about all the things

I won't be buying with my eSports prize money.

How do I get taken out by the same guy every time?

Incompetence, I imagine. Thanks, Esther.

What do you know about fighting to the death

against insurmountable odds?

Nothing, officially,

but I'm sure I could give you a few tips.

Like what?

Get yourself a partner, someone to cover your back.

Right, and where am I going to find a--

you?

(SCOFFS)

Okay. Fine.

It's not like I've got a better option.

What's the worst that could happen?

That's what Terrance said about No Trousers Tuesday.

(SCOFFS)

So lame.

(SIGHS)

How are they not impressed?

We have eight different colors of glitter.

Eight, Loren.

It's like they can't be distracted

by shiny sparkly stuff.

Ooh.

Okay, guys, let's move on

'cause the fun just never stops.

Next up, we're going to make up dance routines.

One, two, three, four.

Whoa! (BOTH LAUGH)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

both: Brr. Ha, ha.

(GROWLS)

Lame.

(SIGHS) What is wrong with them?

I'd have loved us if I were them

when they were my age.

Okay. Don't panic.

We just haven't found their sweet spot yet.

Okay, guys, who's up for-- guys?

We've lost them. Can we start panicking now?

Uh-huh.

(FRANTIC MUSIC)

Okay, kitchen hands.

These are the fine bladed knives.

This is my trusty meat cleaver.

This is the blender. This is the stove.

Now, let's heat up some cooking--

No, kids, back away from the knives.

Stop mollycoddling them.

Why do you think we were born with 10 fingers, hm?

So we could lose a couple chopping carrots.

Whoa. No whirring blades.

(GROANS)

We need to get them out of here.

It'll be a blood bath.

We could try a fun kitchen activity

like seeing how much rhubarb we can fit in our mouths.

Or we could admit we're out of our depth

and ask for some help.

It's time for a sub-plan.

(SQUEALS)

(GRUNTING)

Take that. You want some?

(WHIMPERS)

Very easy.

Using a bit of bait always flushes out the big ones.

Bait? What bait? Wait, you mean--

Look out. 6:00.

Better concentrate, darling.

I'm not bait. If you say so.

Now, what's the next obstacle?

This is as far as I can get.

Hover-bots swarm out of Gramps' chair,

then the sentinel appears, but my blaster jams every time.

Try again. I'll cover you.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

There you are.

(SCREAMING)

Over here, you big tin of sardines.

It's got some kind of blasted jamming field.

Oh, no, you don't.

Ha, yes! We did it!

With your old person wisdom

and my natural athletic ability,

we can totally win that prize money, 50/50 split.

90/10. 60/40.

70/30 or I let you

step on that mine that's right by your foot.

(WHIMPERS) Deal.

Good. Try not to panic

while I shoot that robot spider off your shoulder.

(LASERS FIRING) (SCREAMS)

I thought it was just Danny

who ran dodgy businesses from my house.

There's nothing dodgy about babysitting.

It's just a little harder than we thought.

Now we know why adults get gray hair and saggy faces.

We thought you might have some advice

on looking after kids.

Well, I'm more comfortable with car care than child care,

but when I was young,

I used to love climbing trees and falling out of trees,

and climbing the trees again with a broken arm.

That gives me an idea.

You're going to break their arms?

No. We're going to build an obstacle course.

Brilliant.

Okay, so here are the ground rules.

Hey. Whoa.

Careful. We don't want any accidents.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Beacon up ahead. Here come the plasma bombs.

Yeah. Cover me. I'll see you on the other side.

(SCREAMS)

(LASERS FIRING)

Hurry. We don't have much time.

Careful, Danny.

Deploying plasma bomb. She's going to blow. Move!

(CRYING) Joanna.

Danny! What's all the shouting?

They hurt Joanna.

(CRYING) I've got a nose bleed,

and they hurt my arm.

Don't worry.

A little injury is all part of the fun.

Let's get some of my dandelion ointment on your arm.

I chew the dandelions to a paste myself.

(CRYING)

I'm not sure how we could be any worse at this.

How about this?

Yes. This is worse.

What did you do to my arm, you crazy, old witch?

Now, now.

Crazy, old Wiccan. Hmph.

Maybe you're allergic to the dandelion ointment.

You think? Look at this rash.

Wait. Are you filming all this?

Of course. We need footage for the review.

Review? What are you talking about?

Here at Goldren Babysitting, we don't like kids.

(SCREAMS)

These are the fine bladed knives.

What did you do to my arm?

Don't worry, a little injury is all part of the fun.

I'm not sure how we could be any worse at this.

That is a very unflattering edit.

Then post a complaint in the comments.

We'll let our followers decide who's right.

Followers? What followers?

How many followers? Followers of what?

Our followers,

all 63,000 of them on mysitter.review.

63,000?

And with a spread rate of, let's say, 73.2%,

we're looking at over a quarter of a million views within--

not helping, right.

But it's not all bad news. We might not post the footage.

You might not. Why might you not?

If you give us all your babysitting money,

and do exactly what we say.

But that's blackmail. No. It's extortion.

Pay up.

In short, this is the worst

babysitting experience we've ever suffered.

Zero stars.

(SOBS)

Oh, my gosh.

Those little critics have destroyed babysitters

all over London.

If that video of us goes live, we're toast.

Maybe it won't be that bad.

I love being covered in marmalade.

No babysitting means no money.

That means bye, bye, beach.

But I like beaches way more than I like marmalade.

Now would be a really great time for a plan.

Yes, and that plan is--

I got nothing.

Looks like we're going to have to do exactly

what they say, but come on.

They're little kids. How demanding can they be?

They want ice cream, again.

More ice cream, with sauce this time,

and candy, and marshmallows and whipped cream.

This is expensive stuff. I save it for special people,

and when I say special, I mean me.

Thanks, Terrence, you're saving our business.

I don't care about your business.

They've got a film of me.

I can't risk being part of a kitchen safety campaign, again.

Go on.

Huge, horrifically unhealthy ice creams.

Put them with the fizzy drinks.

Loren, I tire of your fanning.

Buy us a movie to watch.

Yes, mistress.

(PANTING)

Pump faster, old man.

We want to lie in a pool of popcorn for the movie.

And you, shovel popcorn faster.

Guys, I'm not letting you treat everyone like this.

You're right, you're not letting us

treat everyone like this.

'Cause everyone isn't here.

(LASERS FIRING)

That was the last one.

Cool, now we just have to take out the End Boss,

then the prize money is in the bag.

(LAUGHS) (FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)

Do you hear that?

Yes.

Do you think that's the End Boss?

Only one way to find out.

(BOTH SCREAM)

Hey. Hey, wait.

Hey. Hey, give those back.

Make us. I know what you're thinking.

She's old. She won't hurt us.

You're very wrong.

You'll do exactly what we say.

We've got photos of you running at us with blasters.

That's not appropriate behavior.

(CHUCKLES) Neither was overthrowing

the king of Moldavia, darling, but that didn't stop me.

I know how to wipe phones. Do your worst.

Our videos's backed up on the cloud.

They're good. I'll give them that.

I can't allow footage of my face online,

not with the Cheltenham sewing circle on my tail.

But the End Boss?

Our prize money. We were so close.

No problem.

Someone else can take on the aliens for you.

(GROANS)

They're everywhere, everywhere.

Why won't they let us live in peace?

(SOBS) (SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

Goodbye, prize money.

Which of you has been stealing my ketchup?

What do you mean? Don't play the innocent.

I found this on the kitchen floor.

But that's the tissue Joanna used for her nosebleed.

Yes, that's blood all right--

blood of a thousand tomatoes.

Hang on a minute.

Itching powder?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Goldie, this is not the time to sprinkle itching powder

in Danny's underwear drawer.

Not that.

The rash, the bleeding-- they faked it.

These kids have been playing us this whole time.

I think it's time they tried some of their own medicine.

Right, and if that doesn't work,

they can have more of Rainbow's ointment.

(TENSE MUSIC)

(WHISPERS) Do you think we lost it?

Eliminate.

Only if it's lost too. Okay, here's the plan.

I shoot at it to distract it, and you throw bombs.

I don't know.

Throwing bombs doesn't sound very peaceful.

Well, pretend you're throwing flowers.

But that would kill the flowers.

Okay, seeds.

You're spreading seeds on the land,

not at a giant robot monster.

That could work. Okay. Let's go.

(BOTH SCREAM)

Eliminate.

Why isn't it dying?

I think you're shooting yourself.

And I'm not sure I scattered the seeds far enough.

(BOTH SCREAM)

(LAUGHS) Eliminate.

(GROANS)

Losers. (MAURY AND RAINBOW SCREAM)

(LAUGHS)

That was the worst thing I've ever seen.

So pathetic. Loved it.

Bored again now. What should we do?

Food fight. Yes.

Okay, losers, we want to-- what's wrong with you?

Don't feel well.

(GROANS) Me either.

(GROANS) I never felt this bad

since they blew up the shark at the end of "Jaws."

(GROANS, SCREAMS)

Tell my parents I respect their rules!

Look at her. This is your rash.

That can't be us.

That rash was just itching powder.

We were just fooling you so that you'd do what we said.

So you lied to give us a bad review?

You got that, Esther?

I got the whole confession.

(DOORBELL RINGS) And that will be your mom.

Not sure she'll be too happy with your new plan.

Don't tell her. We promise.

No more blackmailing. Please?

We'll delete the footage from the cloud.

(PHONE CLICKS, WHIRRS)

See. It's gone.

Now, you do yours.

Nice try, but we'll keep ours for insurance

just in case you do this to any other innocent babysitters.

Very well, but know this.

You have made a powerful enemy this day.

Joey-poops! Laylaykins!

both: Coming, Mummy.

(GROANS)

Loren, you can get up now.

Goldie, do not interrupt the acting.

(GROANING)

(LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)

Feeling any better, darling?

(SIGHS) I think so.

Just gently hallucinating now.

(LASERS FIRING)

Sorry I couldn't help you win that game.

Well, that's not completely true.

Turns out we did win something--

the award for dumbest death.

What did we say, Esther? 70% yours?

Let's discuss that over a blaster fight.

With the money from today, our new total is...

(REGISTER DINGS)

Wait, we lost money? Yeah.

We blew a lot of cash on the glitter and the slime,

and I kinda forgot to get our feedback

from the kids before they ran out.

But that means we have to do another 68 babysits.

(SIGHS)

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Itching powder in Danny's underwear drawer?

Even better.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

both: Staycation! Come and get some.

Come on, Esther, let's get him.

(LASERS FIRING) Why is my butt so itchy?

Ugh!

both: Shh.

(LAUGHTER)

Whoo-hoo.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0