Original subtitles

(SNEAKY MUSIC)

Loren, I'm in position.

Go! Go!

You got the package? Affirmative.

Your mum is going to love our surprise lunch delivery.

Unless she hates lunches,

and that's why she left it behind?

Maybe, but that doesn't explain

why she left her front door keys in the fridge--

and her stapler.

Mom is so flaky right now.

Maybe it's something at work.

(GRUNTS)

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

Or someone.

What was that?

I know, right? Papers everywhere!

What a day to leave your stapler in the fridge.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Esther, Rainbow. Not coming in here, are you?

Of course.

It's time for our favorite TV show, "Recycling Wars."

I love the repurposing tips.

And I love the warfare. Not a problem, is there?

No, no, everything is fine. Good.

Oh, what's that stench?

Oh! Ah, blocked drains, maybe?

In the TV room? Rotten programming?

Whatever it is,

I'm not sitting in a place that smells that bad.

You're right. What have you got in there?

This is a restricted area until further notice.

Biohazard?

It's good to be prepared.

Here it is!

Fuzzlist, "The 101 Signs of Love."

You found that pretty quick.

I might have looked at it be-Shawn.

I mean, before.

Maybe this is why Mom is so preoccupied.

She's fallen for our mystery man at the office.

I'll make some popcorn.

Is putting your shoes in the microwave a sign of love?

Not usually, but listen.

"Sign three, the meet-cute.

"An accident-prone encounter

where the couple first realizes there's a spark."

That's what we saw. They had a meet-cute.

Like a hurty romantic collision.

Yeah.

I wonder if I'll ever have a meet-cute.

Careful, some of us aren't looking where we're going.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

(DING)

Did Danny's teeth just ding?

No, that was the microwave.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Popcorn?

(SNEAKY MUSIC)

(CHUCKLES)

Ugh.

Tell me that isn't the stinking cheese

we told you to throw out.

Stinking cheese?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Really?

No!

(GAGGING) The horror!

Make it stop!

Don't tell anyone I still got it.

I don't know, Gramps.

That stuff nearly melted the fridge,

and I can't just be bought off.

Twenty pounds? Done.

These signs of love are just ridiculous.

Oh, hey, Mom. How was work?

Oh, don't ask. That new guy, Kirk...

Kirk, from work? Yeah, he's so infuriating.

I mean, he can't even change the print on the inker.

I have to do twice the work,

and I'm losing track of--of...

where did I put my bag?

Oh.

Oh, well, that theory is out the window.

Guess your mum doesn't like him after all.

Oh, yeah?

Check the list.

"Sign 14: Constantly obsessing over his flaws."

Wash this for me?

Ugh!

He is so annoying and big-headed

and selfish and...

What is the matter with me, obsessing over his flaws?

Is it--could this be love?

Yeah-huh! Love with Kirk.

I'm in love with Kirk as well?

No, Mom is in love with Kirk.

She's in what with who?

We need to find out more about this scoundrel.

Goldie, to the planning board.

# I got a plan #

# I flew over the ocean to tell you how #

# Me and my fam #

# We caused a commotion #

# When we landed on my granddad #

# Chaos at home, but it's always fun #

# Fun, fun, fun, fun #

# 'Cause you're never too old and you're never too young #

# Aw, yeah! #

# So this is me #

# Just trying to keep it all together #

So this is the cad

with designs on my innocent daughter?

Um, yeah, so I thought we could--

Get close.

Study his movements.

Get to know him.

Find out what makes him tick.

Exactly, so the plan is, Gramps, me and you pose

as clients wanting to hire the art center.

We get ourselves a meeting with Kirk.

Undercover. I like it. Old-school.

I'll be Hamish McNulty,

highly successful businessman with a heart of gold.

And I'll be Pixie Schopenhauer,

his capable yet flamboyant assistant

with a keen eye for detail...

(IN ENGLISH ACCENT) And a cut-glass English accent.

And I'll be Boopflarpen Five,

an android from the Delta Quadrant.

Beep-boop.

What is this you humans call "carpet"?

Actually, Loren, I've got a different job for you.

Mom can't see us in there,

so you have to keep her in her office.

I've got just the thing.

Without stapling her to her chair.

Ready? Let's do this.

No smell gets between me and my TV show!

Attack! Ugh! The stench!

This is worse than biowarfare.

My gas mask has been breached!

It's inside my perimeter.

It's dissolving my soul!

Abort! Abort mission!

So, uh, the conference package gives you the benefit

of a per-delegate rate with fully inclusive flip charts

and a range of colored pens.

That's very interesting.

Isn't it, Gramp... (CLEARS THROAT) Hamish.

I think what we really want to know more about

is you, Kirk.

Me? (IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) Aye!

What are your prospects?

Have you been to prison?

What do your parents do for a living?

Well, what's that got to do--

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) Everything!

Who are you, Kirk, and what do you want?

Weren't you Scottish just now?

Half Scottish. He's half Scottish.

Yes, and this half is English.

Now, tell us about yourself.

My gramps--my client just wants to be sure

that he's giving his business to upstanding people.

R--right, and, uh, um, what is your business, exactly?

Taxis. Planning.

Planning. Taxis.

Taxi planning!

Weplantaxis.com. Uh-huh.

Um, I'm a bit of a London taxi fanboy, actually.

What? Yeah. I love them.

Uh, the FX3 or the TX4? Oh!

Well, they're mainly why I moved to London, to be honest.

Mm-hmm, Kirk.

Yeah, he's a nice enough bloke, but he drives me mad.

No, no, no, I'll break the news to him myself.

Ah, I'll try and set up a one-to-one

for sometime next week.

Yeah. Ah!

Loren? What are you doing here?

Nothing!

Just keeping you-- me occupied.

Can I look in your office? (CHUCKLES)

Wow, this is cool.

This is nice, isn't it?

What does this do? It's a chair.

Do you need to sit down? Yes, I do.

For a very long time. (CHUCKLES)

Right.

Well, I have to go and talk to Kirk.

Oh, no!

I mean,

why don't you sit in your chair

with your eyes closed

and I will...

test out this stapler.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

Sorry about that.

Just a photo coming to life.

(GASPS)

(IMITATES BIRD CALL)

Um. Anyway, I think that's it.

Do you have any questions?

What is it you most like about the FX3?

He means Sherri.

What do you like about her?

Sherri as in-- as in my boss, Sherri?

Um, she's professional.

She's... (IMITATING BIRD CALL)

She's very hard working.

And she's, um-- Coming!

Kirk?

Oh, I thought you had an appointment this afternoon.

Uh...

Oh.

Hi, Mom.

Dad?

Good idea of yours, Esther, but it is a little chilly.

If only we knew what was making the smell.

It's like something crawled under the carpet and died.

Like a mouse?

Like an army of rotting skunks.

I'm calling pest control.

What on earth were you doing? Quality control.

Just checking Kirk was up to standards.

From underneath his desk?

I had a good look at his shoes,

and you can tell a lot about a fellow by his shoes.

I like him.

He gets the thumbs-up from us, Mom.

What are you talking about? He's really frustrating.

His timekeeping is terrible, and he just makes me--

Hot under the collar? Exactly.

Sign 42. I just need to get some time

alone with him, just the two of us,

but it's never the right moment.

(CELL PHONE RINGS AND BUZZES)

Hello, Sherri Glickman.

No, he's given you the wrong number again.

I'll just see if he's available.

Kirk!

Wow, so much evidence to unpack!

And did you see her subconsciously

grooming herself?

Sign 37, and that stuff about wanting to get him alone!

And it's obvious Sherri likes him almost as much as I do.

We need a plan to get these two lovebirds together.

Good thing we don't need them.

I'll do the talking. You keep an eye out for Mom.

Hello! Oh, oh!

What do you want from me?

Just wanted to apologize for the earlier weirdness.

By inviting you over to our house

for a nice, romantic meal.

I mean, meal.

A perfectly normal weirdness-apology meal.

Um, I don't think that's a...

This evening?

We are really sorry about the weirdness.

My mom will be there.

Fine. Um, yeah.

As it happens, I would like to talk to her about, um,

something personal.

Um...

Tonight then? 6:00 p.m.?

Okay. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

"Something personal." Put it there, Gramps!

(IMITATES BIRD CALL)

Goldie, I think I'm in love with your...

no.

Goldie, your brother and I... no.

Goldie, please, will you wipe my brain

and send me to Finland?

(GROANS) Why is love so difficult?

I know, right? But don't worry.

Everything is in place.

There is going to be romance in the air tonight.

But what if someone doesn't want there to be romance ?

What if that person finds the whole thing confusing

and stressful and slightly disturbing?

Loren, I know what you're talking about, and it's okay.

It is? Yes.

Terrance is away on a barnacle-scraping vacation.

There's no way he can put a stop to this.

Uh, but... (DOORBELL RINGS DOWNSTAIRS)

That's Kirk!

He's early. Really early.

His timekeeping is terrible.

We haven't even given Mom her makeover.

We gotta go!

Gramps, Operation Woo Mom is go.

Get the door before Mom sees him.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(COUGHING)

No!

Now I smell like cheese.

Mom, wait! Gramps can get that.

We need to give you a makeover. What?

Why do I need a makeover?

Because you look so horrendous.

She means horrendously unfashionable.

Is that better? I'm not sure that's better.

Mom, come on. You've been so busy recently.

We need to reconnect.

Have a little mother-daughter pamper time.

And me!

Yeah, mother, daughter and Loren pamper time.

Gramps, the door!

Hmm? Where are you?

Ah!

That was quick.

You're here because of the rotten vermin?

Beg your pardon? The appalling pests, darling.

Oh, that.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't go so far

as to call them that, but--

I'd call them worse.

Honestly, they're turning my stomach.

This way.

Didn't you bring any equipment?

Equipment?

Um, they didn't say I needed equipment.

Unarmed combat, eh? Good for you!

Oh! What is that? Don't ask me.

That's you're job,

and don't come out until it's done!

Oh! Please let me out of here.

Please let me out! Oh!

Oh, the smell is-- it's dissolving my lungs!

What is wrong with these people?

Hello again.

Uh, hold still. Nearly there.

So glamorous, so sophisticated, so...

Finished! How do I look?

Interesting!

"Interesting" is what I was going for.

Hang on a minute.

This makeover, you coming into the office,

this is about Kirk, isn't it?

Busted.

You knew I was stressing about what to say to him,

so you're giving me a lovely evening of pampering

to get my confidence up!

Am I right?

It's like you read my mind!

Aw, thanks, girls! I really appreciate it.

Now, let's see what miracles you performed.

No time!

We've got a little surprise for you downstairs.

Come on.

Please, why are doing this?

Well, I don't want to give anything away,

but we've got a plan.

A plan? What plan?

Oh, it's a very nice plan. It's all about you.

We bought you these.

Play your cards right, we might be seeing

rather a lot of each other from now on.

Would you like to share my cheese?

Isn't this exciting?

Everything okay?

Not really.

What do you do if you're in love

with absolutely the wrong person?

I've been there.

You need to forget everyone else,

what they think, what they've paid you to do.

Just enjoy a single day of heaven,

like you're the only two people in the world.

Then slap on the cuffs,

and hand him over to the inquisitors.

I'm not sure I can do that.

Of course you can, darling!

In fact, I think I have some spare cuffs in my room!

Wait there.

It's no use, my sweet, awful Danny.

There's only one way out.

I must leave forever

and hope that one day, this madness will pass.

Talking to a picture about your doomed love?

Sign 57.

Goldie, what's happened to the kitchen?

Just creating the mood.

The thing is, he was supposed to be here.

Uh, who was supposed to be here?

Goldie, what's going on?

Surprise!

Kirk?

Yes, from work.

Hope you've got your confidence up.

Blegh! Oh!

Look, Mom, flowers! That's nice of Kirk, isn't it?

Why don't you two sit down? Here.

Why is he here?

You said you wanted some quiet,

one-on-one time, remember?

What?

I don't think this is the right setting to--

It'll be perfect. We'll make it perfect.

We're all behind you, Mom.

Is Loren not here?

No, and the pest control man has done a runner as well.

Should have used these on him.

Looks like we're going to have to sort this out ourselves.

So did you, um,

did you manage to reschedule those meetings I asked you to?

No, sorry. I forgot.

Madame, monsieur, spaghetti for two.

No forks.

We'll leave you to it.

What is that?

Ah.

Ugh!

Where is it coming from?

It's ruining the romantic mood.

(MACHINERY GRINDING LOUDLY) (SHOUTING) Look, Kirk...

Seeing as we're here, there's something we need to discuss.

This is it.

Goldie, I've made a decision.

I'm in an impossible situation,

and there's only one logical solution.

Shh.

(SHOUTING) The thing is... It's happening.

One sec, Loren.

What I'm trying to say is, you're--

you're...

you're fired!

What?

What?

No, no, no. No, Mom.

That's not what you're supposed to say.

Kirk, tell mom your thing.

I'm not sure there's any point now.

Yeah, of course there is. Do it!

W--well, all right. All right.

Um, Sherri?

I quit. What?

No. You're too demanding.

You put me under way too much pressure,

and, well, frankly, your family are weird.

So if you don't mind, I'm going to leave now.

Unless anyone else here intends to imprison me

in a stinking room?

Hmm? Hmm? Good.

Oh, that's him! You can't run out on us!

Come back here.

Stay away from me, all of you!

I'm moving back to Luton!

I think you two owe me an explanation.

You thought I fancied Kirk?

Yeah.

Maybe I shouldn't trust everything I read

on Fuzzlist.

Looks like you were right in the first place.

Those signs of love were total trash.

Hold on, the article was wrong?

So I don't need to move to Finland!

Wait, what? Nothing.

Well, if tonight has taught me anything,

it's that maybe I am ready to start dating again.

Really? Yeah.

Internet dating, in town, miles away from you lot.

I think I've still got it.

I looked like that the whole time?

(FUNKY MUSIC)

I give up!

We may as well lock the doors

and fill the place with concrete!

(SIGHS)

Ah, I may not have a new son-in-law,

but I've always got you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Did somebody call pest control?

It's okay.

I think we've caught the rat ourselves.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

That'll be the taxi. How do I look?

Mom, you look gorgeous. Have a good date.

I hope he's nice. Thanks.

Don't let them work Gramps too hard.

Come on, Gramps. Let me give you a hand.

You can tell me about taxis while we do it.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

(BOTH STAMMER)

Oops, uh, after you. No, after you.

Nope, nothing.

Cured.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

(MUSIC DIES)

Nah. (CHUCKLES)

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