Original subtitles

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Shawn's almost done visiting his gram!

Is everything ready?

All set! This is so exciting.

I've never reprogrammed a brain before!

We're not reprogramming his brain!

We're just using subtle sounds and images to encourage him

to ask me on a date.

Right. I can't help noticing you used the word "subtle."

Yes.

As in, he must never know what we're doing to his mind.

Right, um, I'll put it on the lowest setting. Turning on.

(KITTENS MEWING)

Goldie's lovely.

Too subtle? Too subtle?

I couldn't be more obvious if I had a tattoo

on my head saying, "I love--" Shawn!

Hey there, Goldie. What's all this?

This, this, weird little thing.

This is, um, a video art project.

Stare into the art project.

How does it make you feel?

Like I want to hug a baby seal?

I don't know a lot about this sort of stuff.

You should show it to Clarissa. she's really into art.

Who's Clarissa? Oh, my girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend? Setting to DEFCON 1!

Goldie's lovely. Goldie's love--

Loren, he's got a girlfriend! Shawn's got a girlfriend!

Okay, we need a plan. Any ideas?

Maybe we should wait until he isn't in the room with us.

Of course, there he is!

Shawn! Shawny, Shawny, Shawny, Shawny, Shawny.

Tell us about your girlfriend, Shawn.

Is she a blonde, brunette? Short, tall?

Lives in a different country, never really see her?

She's blonde. Can't fault her on that.

She's about your height. Good choice.

She lives just round the corner.

(YELPS)

Amazing!

Yeah, and she's great at tennis.

Oh, she sounds perfect for you.

But not as perfect as Goldie.

What? No, no!

No, what she means is,

not as perfect as Goldie is for her boyfriend.

You have a boyfriend? You have a boyfriend?

You have a boyfriend?

I have a boyfriend.

Est�, est�. What? What's the problem?

Ddnde est� el ba�o? Oh, hi, Esther.

I'm just learning a bit of Spanish

at the adult college,

but I'm having a problem with some of the words.

Which ones? Well, just these,

and all the ones in the dictionary,

and then putting them together to make sentences.

I've got a spoken exam tomorrow.

I'll never get through it.

Okay, Maury.

Listen to some Spanish in your sleep.

It'll go straight into your subconscious mind.

Does that work?

That's how I learnt the nunchucks.

I mean, kung fu. I mean, Welsh.

I think I have a Spanish CD somewhere,

I'll dig it out for you.

But don't bother with disc three; it's all about

nuclear detonators. Probably won't come up.

Since when have you had a boyfriend?

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, it's just a kind of laid-back,

informal thing that we don't need to talk about.

We tell each other everything.

Yeah, sis, we need to know all about this lucky guy.

What's his name?

His name? His name is...

Door.

Door? Ian! Dorian.

Dorian! He's called Dorian.

Great name. Where did you meet him?

In a shop.

What kind of shop? A fish shop!

Why were you in a fish shop? I was buying a fish!

Which I gave to Dorian; that's how we got together.

I gave him a fish and he asked me out.

That's so romantic! So, what does he look like?

Where does he live? What's his ClakClak handle?

Well, his--uh... Oh, you mean

Dorian from down the street? Short, glasses, curly hair?

He was telling me he met this girl who'd given him a fish?

Oh, yeah, yeah! That's him!

Short, curly-haired Dorian from down the street.

My totally real boyfriend.

So, now that's cleared up, Shawn can be on his way

and I can go scream into my pillow.

No, you know what, we should double date.

What?

Great idea! That would be awesome!

She accepts!

That's great! Off you go!

You're going on a date with Shawn after all!

# I, we got a plan #

# I flew over the ocean to tell you how #

# Me and my fam #

# We caused a commotion when we landed on my granddad #

# Chaos at home, and it's always fun #

# Fun, fun, fun, fun #

# Never too old, and you're never too young #

# Now I'm here #

# So this is me #

# Just tryin' to keep it all together #

Finally!

"Xacho: Spanish Hero." Audiobook 15.

Leap into my ears, you swashbuckling dandy! Ooh!

What's that you got there, Terrance?

Nothing. It's just an audiobook.

About battleships, big grey ones.

'Cause it sort of looked like an historical romance.

Well, Sherri, you sort of look like you need a shave,

but I don't go telling you your business.

So you haven't got a boyfriend?

No, I made him up. Couldn't you tell?

Oh, right, sorry. I have problems

telling the difference between lies and truth.

And video games and reality. And dreams and real life.

Like, I had this great dream where we tried to reprogram

Shawn's brain so he'd ask you out.

That literally just happened. See what I mean?

Okay, well we need a plan to get out of this date

before Shawn finds out

that I've somehow become the kind of girl

who makes up invisible boyfriends.

I made up an invisible dolphin once.

She's called Mrs. Clickywhistle.

Dorian could dump you for Mrs. Clickywhistle!

Loren, I'm not having my imaginary boyfriend dump me

for a married dolphin.

Uh, you could dump him

for carrying on with Mrs. Clickywhistle.

I still feel like I'm coming out of it pretty badly.

Mrs. Clickywhistle got a job abroad,

and took Dorian with her to work as her assistant!

That could work!

But, with less dolphins and changing all the rest of it!

Hooray! I made a plan!

Battleships. Yeah, right.

Adids. It's Spanish.

You know, I think I've finally found a book on my level.

"Hola, soy Dora, and I'm Boots."

Some of it sounds just like English.

Good luck with your studying. Vamanos!

See you later, Dad.

"Xacho: Spanish Hero"?

Right, Esther's sleep-learning CD.

It's got to be worth a try.

"Conchita clung tightly to the masked stranger

"as they swung across the ravine.

"'Do not fear, se�orita,' he rumbled.

"'The evil El Nabo will never make you his wife.

You have the word of the great Xacho.'"

I don't suppose either of you

saw a CD lying around yesterday?

Because if you did, it definitely wasn't mine.

But you can give it to me if you see it.

So I can dispose of it, whatever it is.

Weird. Almost as weird as you being

so helpful yesterday.

Helpful in what way?

Telling Shawn all that stuff about Dorian?

Who's Dorian? You know, my "boyfriend"?

You've got a boyfriend? He's more of a soul mate.

Right, sis? Danny!

They grow up and run away so fast.

Morning. Oh, sorry, Maury, I didn't manage

to dig out that CD for you.

But I listened to a CD last night.

What CD?

Not mine. Did it work?

Tu Espa�ol es estupendo? Yes!

I am the great, estupendo Xacho!

But I cannot stay, se�ora. Pray for me

as I continue my fight

against the villainous El Nabo.

Right, I uh, better get off to my exam.

I think I know what happened to my CD.

Hi, Maury. Hi, Shawn.

So I've changed your name to "Dorian" in my contacts.

When you hear Shawn come in, call me

and say we have to split up 'cause you're moving to Alaska.

Alaska? So wild, so untamed,

so full of mooses.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

That's Shawn! Go, go!

Shawn! Hey, Goldie, how's it going?

Awesome!

Totally looking forward to our double date,

which nothing can possibly stop from happening.

Are you okay? Just thinking about Dorian.

He, uh, often calls me at this time of day.

Right, yeah, well, I'm just going to head up and see gram.

No!

Uh, I mean, she's not here, right now.

Why don't you come and tell me all about Clarissa?

What's this? Oh, these?

They're from Dorian. He must be so smitten with you.

Yes. Or, maybe he's trying to make me feel better

because he's got some tragic news.

Oh! This is him now. Look!

Hey, Dorian, what's up?

Oh, no! Tragic news, you say?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get that. You're moving to Alaska?

But, why? But, how? But, now?

But that is so inconveniently soon.

Oh, it's Dorian. He's moving away.

Says it's better we end things now, over the phone.

Seeing me would be too much for his poor, broken heart.

Aw, Goldie, that is awful. I don't know how I'll cope.

Hey, Goldie, look who was at the door! It was Dorian!

Goldie, what's going on? Who is this?

No one. I mean, Shawn. I was just comforting her.

She said you're moving to Alaska?

Alaska? No.

Why would you tell him that?

Because, because-- who is this?

How dare you impersonate my boyfriend?

You are a terrible person.

Prank callers.

You can't trust a word anyone says these days.

It's okay, babes.

I would never go to Alaska without you.

Sorry.

Ready.

Puedes decirme donde esta la se�orita?

The se�orita?

I will never tell you!

She is under my protection.

Te gusta el nabo? El nabo!

He is my sworn enemy and I will fight all who serve him!

Prepare to taste justice.

Bye, Shawn. See you later, buddy.

What a great guy.

His girlfriend sounds amazing.

How about I make us a nice cup of tea?

Sure, kitchen's down there.

Your boyfriend is so polite and helpful.

Okay, who is he, where did you find him,

and how much do I have to pay you to make this stop?

I'm not doing this for money. It's out of kindness.

How is turning my life into an epic cringe fest kind?

Sorry, not kind to you.

Kind to our little friend who's pretending to be Dorian.

I thought of him the minute you made up a boyfriend.

He's admired you from afar since we moved here.

Well, it must have been from very far.

I have never seen him before.

He said it was like you didn't know he exists,

which is ironic when you think about it.

Tell him to stop! I can't do that.

It'd break his heart.

I have my contract.

If that's what it takes. Here's your cup of tea.

A cup of tea-riffic muffins!

Uh, thanks Dorian, or whatever your actual name is.

Don't worry about my real name.

If you don't like it I'll change it.

Anything for you. No, no, no. Don't do that.

Look, I don't know what Danny's told you

but this date tonight, we can't.

Well, we can't, actually--

Can't what? We can't--

dress like this; it's smart casual.

Oh! That's fine.

I've got an outfit I've been saving for our first date.

This is so exciting!

Hey, who's this? Dorian.

I'm Goldie's boyfriend.

Oh, wow! You made him exist!

Oh, Goldie, you're here!

This is Clarissa.

Oh, hi! Um, you're different from how I imagined.

What do you mean?

Oh, sorry. That's the waitress.

This is Clarissa.

(ANGELIC TONES)

Wait, sorry. What did you say?

I couldn't hear you over the angelic music.

Oh, I was just saying how much I love your outfit.

Um, thank you.

Wow, she is perfect.

Loren! What you doing here?

Oh! Esther sent me to dig up dirt on Clarissa.

We're doing the whole good cop/bad cop thing.

You know, I don't think she likes Shawn having girlfriends.

No kidding!

How can you do good cop/bad cop when Esther isn't even--

Oh, hi gran. Hello, dear.

So sweet of your grandparents to chaperone you.

Hi, kiddo. Hope you don't mind.

No! Why would I mind anyone witnessing this nightmare?

Let me guess, Danny suggested you do this.

No, I just asked him if he'd give me a lift.

Wouldn't want to miss this. Could I see the menu please?

This is just so great. How was the exam?

A bit of a blur. I remember going into the room.

I remember jumping out of a window onto a horse.

There's a total blank in between.

And I'm not sure about the horse.

I might just head to the bathroom.

Okay! Good cop/bad cop, go!

Great! Are you good cop? Enough games!

How many hearts have you broken?

Oh, you're bad cop.

Don't listen to her, Clarissa. Talk to me. I'm the good one.

I think you're both the good ones.

It's amazing how much you care for Shawn.

So nice!

Oh, my gosh, look at that boy.

Imagine if that was your date.

Everyone, this is Dorian. My date.

Not just a date. An actual boyfriend.

So what are we talking about?

Clarissa thinks she can win us over with compliments.

Don't you, dear?

You better admit it, Clarissa.

She'll go easy on you if you cooperate.

Are you all ready to order? Um, are we having starters?

Answer her, Clarissa! I've never seen her like this!

Wow, um. Intense.

There's a lot of old people on this date.

Is this a community care thing?

When did you two meet?

Well, it's a funny story, um--

Yes, I've always admired her from afar, and then

completely out of the blue,

Danny came over and said that if I called myself--

A cab!

If he called himself a cab, then,

and went to the fish shop, we could meet there.

So Danny set you up? He so did.

What can I say?

It gives me such pleasure seeing you together.

I'm the luckiest boy in the world.

(YELPS)

I have to visit the ladies room.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Okay. Okay, it's finally happened,

time to move the Antarctic and live as a penguin.

Or I'll just climb out of the window.

Or I'll just get stuck in the window.

Hey, Esther.

You're probably wondering why I'm half out the window?

Not really.

I've met your boyfriend. He's nearly as bad as Clarissa.

But she's perfect.

Perfection is mask people use

to hide their ruthless and manipulative nature.

I never trust anyone who's perfect.

That's why I tolerate you!

Am I not even a little perfect?

Oh, darling. You're dating a bow-tied pavlova,

and jammed in a toilet window!

Do you want to tell me about this Dorian business?

Okay, but it's just your typical story of girl

makes up boy, boy turns out to exist,

girl goes on double date with boy,

and girl jumps out window. We've all been there.

You know, there's a top secret formula

for dealing with an unwanted boyfriend?

Kidnapping? Dump him!

It's so simple, it's genius! I will dump him!

The minute I get out of here.

Leave that to me.

I've slid through a lot of tight spaces in my time.

Put it away!

Dorian, a word with you, if I may?

Wait, what? What was that? Is he paying you?

Maybe I haven't been 100% truthful.

Maybe Danny paid me to play a joke on you.

Look on the bright side.

I get hard cash, and you get to go on a date with me.

Oh, my gosh.

You know, I was going to dump you quietly,

but now it's happening in front of all these people.

Please don't do that.

Because I'm going to do it first.

Goldie, you're dumped. Sorry, you're too needy.

What? And American.

Also, you have food on you, and you stink of bean juice.

Dude, that is not cool. Yeah, that's too far, bro.

Goldie, I feel so sorry for you.

Don't, because now I'm available.

Give me a call once you've dumped this loser.

Hasta la vista, babes.

Not so fast, El Nabo!

The se�orita's honor is under my protection.

What are you talking about, old codger?

I'm going to show you.

Ow! Not the baguette!

Not the tiramisu! Not the tiramisu!

This rogue will trouble you no longer.

Gramps, you're my hero!

My weird hero.

You got food on you.

Remind me never to make anyone up again.

Sorry, if I'd had known he was such a creep

I would've hired another embarrassing idiot

to be your boyfriend.

You're so thoughtful.

By which I mean you have thoughts--

awful, awful thoughts.

And thanks, Gramps, for rescuing my honor.

Okay, kiddo.

I can't quite remember what happened, to be honest.

And I hope you're not too upset about that boy.

How can I be upset when I've got you?

And Esther gave some pretty solid advice, too.

Where is Esther?

Well, that was

quite the night.

Shawny, I think it would be better

if you didn't see so much of Goldie from now on.

But she's a mate.

And besides, she lives with my gram,

so I'd see her whenever I go over.

Shawn, we're going to be having so much fun,

you won't have time for Goldie or your gram anymore.

Won't I? Of course not, silly.

I'm your main priority now. Now come on, off you go.

Got to be up bright and early for our tennis game tomorrow.

He's all mine.

You know dear, some people like Shawn

spending time with his gram.

You will break up with Shawn.

You will break up with Shawn.

I will break up with Shawn.

Perfect, dear!

Absolutely perfect!

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